Original subtitles

Why?

I just-- I don't understand.

Is it something I've done?

Look, it's just not going to work, OK?

It's been five years.

You know?

Five years.

I was drunk.

We had fun.

You know, we had good times.

To be honest, I don't remember much about it.

I just-- like don't--

just give me a reason.

You know?

You think I'm an emotional, don't you?

I can be emotional.

Jesus, I cried like a child at the end of "Terminator 2",

you know, with the thumb and the molten.

You know, is it someone else?

Sort of.

Don't-- what?

- My boyfriend. - That bastard.

I bloody knew it.

I'm sorry.

No, really.

I really am.

It was just a bit of fun, you know?

Just doesn't feel right.

OK?

Fine.

All right?

Fine.

Fine.

Here's a little change.

[change jangling]

Sarah, please don't do this.

You can leave your stuff here until you find someone else.

I love you.

[window slams]

[music playing]

MAN: The weekend starts here.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Do you mind if I sit here?

No, no.

OK, thanks.

What are you looking for?

What have you got?

What have you got?

No, I meant what are you looking for?

So.

I thought you were a drug dealer.

Oh, thanks.

That's all right.

No.

A flat.

Oh, all right.

Yeah.

Stay with these mates. Sort of mates.

They're not really mates, just people that I met.

I squat.

But I didn't mean to squat.

I moved into squat with them, which is fine.

And are even interested?

Anyway, there was this guy, and I don't even know.

Well, I suppose, no.

Really, what happened was--

no, the thing rather confront, I thought.

Skip to the end.

So I'm moving out.

I see.

I hate flat hunting.

Yeah, I do not envy you at all.

Could I borrow that after you?

Yeah.

Do you mind if I sit here?

Oh, no.

Any luck?

No.

It's only days yet.

So.

[music playing]

WOMAN: [SINGING] Getting to know you.

Getting to know all about you.

Getting to like you, getting to hope you like me.

Hi.

How's it going?

Same as always.

That bad, huh?

[music playing]

I can't do this anymore!

Don't-- whoa there, pickle.

Every morning I wake up and it's the same.

I get out a pen and paper, I circle them all,

and then I phone them, only to discover

they've been taken by a bunch of fucking psychic house hunters.

Well you know, you've only looked at a few.

And they've all been mole-infested rat holes.

I'm in the same boat, you know?

You don't see me crying.

[sobbing]

I didn't see that one.

MAN: Spacious 2 bedroom apartment, fully furnished,

90 pounds a week.

Professional couple only.

Why!

Why?

Why?

You could also pretend.

What do you mean?

Have you got any homeless male friends?

I do have one homeless male friend.

OK.

You were born in Highgate to John and Julie Bisley,

the 17th of September, 1974.

Right.

You've got a little sister, Katie,

who once used all your Batman comics

to decorate her carpool cart.

And unable to salvage the comics,

you drove the car into the bond, hitting your head

on the concrete foundation, which

is where you got your scar.

You've got a best friend called Mike, who's a weapons expert.

[cat shrieks]

Yes!

Yeah.

You have a potentially fatal allergy to Brazil nuts.

Yes.

I have no memory of Christmas, 1979.

Mind you, I have no memory of Christmas 1994, either.

Oh, why not?

- I don't know. - Right.

[shutter snapping]

You're an aspiring graphic artist,

and hope one day to work for--

Dark Star Comics.

Your work today includes a sleeve design on your sister's

boyfriend's brother's bread.

You supplement the 50 quid that you

got from that by working part time in a comic shop

called Fantasy Bazaar.

Yeah, I'm the assistant manager.

Oh, how many people work for you?

It's just me and Bilbo.

WOMAN: Who's Bilbo?

He's the manager.

You're not one of those sci-fi nerds, are you?

No.

You don't spend your evening on the internet discussing

symbolism and the "X-Files?" - Look.

Modern science fiction can be pretty interesting.

The thoughts and speculations of our contemporaries

have probably never been closer to the truth.

[high-pitched mumbling]

Right.

Your preferred mode of transport is skateboarding.

You like music, pubbing, and regularly masturbate over

images of Gillian Anderson.

Who told you that?

It was a joke.

Yeah, well FHM voted her most sexy

woman in the world in 1996.

What about you?

I wasn't playing.

You recently split up with your girlfriend

who got off with a friend of yours called Duane.

He is not my friend.

Well, we don't need to talk about that.

I mean, we can if you want.

Because obviously it hit you hard.

No.

You prefer I'm a tight lipped compound, as opposed

to the box.

Is all this really necessary?

Well, yes.

What if we're asked a number of intimate personal questions?

We're supposed to be a couple.

Come on, do me.

MAN: OK.

You were born in Richmond in 1975 to Ben and Emily Steiner.

You have a brother and sister, older and younger,

respectively.

You graduated from Kingston Poly.

University.

Whatever.

In 1996, with a degree in humanities,

for which you received a third.

Which is fine, which is why I expected here.

Michelle, from my standards, got a third.

Did you know that?

Anyway, it's not the grade that matters.

It's being there that counts.

OK.

You have a boyfriend called Richard,

who is studying in hell. - Hull.

Hull.

We're not going to mention him.

You want to be a journalist, but you

haven't quite tried that yet.

And your best friend is called Twist,

and she works in fashion.

Uh, yeah.

You've got no skincare routine to speak of.

You're scared of mice and spiders.

Oh so much greater is your fear that one day the two species

will cross breed to form an all powerful race of mice spiders

who will immobilize human beings and giant

webs in order to steal cheese.

I never said that.

It would be good though, wouldn't it?

- I don't know. - All right.

That's it. - Oh, all right.

By the way, my name is Daisy. - I'm Tim.

All right.

[camera clicks] - Hey.

What's that for?

I was thinking we'd do that thing.

You know, like that film with Annie

McDowell and Gerard Depardieu.

You know, where they get married so that she can keep her house,

and he can get, um, an American work permit.

A green card?

Yeah.

What's it called?

I don't know.

[music playing]

That should do it.

I think this is it.

583.

583.

583, 583.

583.

[doorbell buzzes]

I thought what we had for your fifth birthday.

A miniature drum kit.

Miniature drum kit.

OK.

[doorbell buzzes] - Hey, hey!

- I don't want to seem to pushy. - All right.

[doorbell buzzes]

Come on.

Oh, [inaudible].

Hi we're.

A couple.

TIM BISLEY: Oh yes, very nice.

It's a great flat.

Tim got a miniature drumkit for his fifth birthday.

You what?

What's through there?

This is the guest bedroom, which you can use for storage,

or utilities.

Or if the pair of you want to bring another little life

into the world.

Yeah, it's perfect for a child.

Yeah.

Homey.

Yeah, homey.

Homey.

It's very homey.

What's this?

[screaming]

We finished cleaning the cupboards, Mrs. Klein.

Oh.

Did it take you long?

Yes.

It took forever.

And ever.

And ever.

It's [inaudible].

So.

What do you both do for a living.

Journalist.

Graphic artist.

Lovely.

You working?

What?

Working?

Earning money, cash. - Yes.

- Yes. - Yes.

Yes, we're very--

Busy.

For all your comic needs, Fancy Bazaar.

Oh, yeah, yeah.

We're very, very, busy.

Yeah.

Woo.

That's what it sounds like.

We're so busy. TIM BISLEY: I don't sleep

DAISY STEINER: He does not.

No, that's an exaggeration.

But we are very busy.

Very busy.

So how long have you been together?

Five years, eight months, three days.

Ow.

Well, you can move in when you're ready.

Really?

Yup.

Don't you want to see our photos?

Come here, you.

Right.

How's it going?

I'm off.

I'm out of here.

I'll probably give you a call, actually,

about bills and stuff.

Oh.

We haven't got a phone.

So.

Well, that's it, then. I'm off.

I'm going.

Bye. Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

Bye.

[door closes]

Sir.

This is you.

Thanks.

Right. Right.

Do you have a phone number, in case I need to contact

you about bills and stuff? - Uh.

I'm not sure actually.

Daisy is on that. - Daisy?

Yeah.

Who's Daisy.

She's a girl I'm moving in with?

What Do.

You mean?

When did you meet her?

About two weeks ago.

And you're about to move in with her?

Yeah.

Yeah.

And you've got absolutely no right to be upset.

OK, you're the one that ended this.

You're the one seeing someone else.

You know, I'll got to go on with my own life.

And I'm sorry if that upsets you.

It's just the way it is.

You can't dangle the bogus carrot

of possible reconciliation in front of my face

while riding some other donkey, you know?

I mean, I'm moving on, Sarah.

If you don't like that, that's too bad.

Do you love her?

What?

Do you love her?

No, of course I don't love her.

I love you.

Nobody, no matter how fervently they insist,

could ever love you as much as I do.

OK.

[FOREIGN ACCENT] Hey.

Crazy looking naked girl with no nipples,

what are you doing here?

Cover yourself up, love.

Come on.

Cover yourself up.

[bump sound]

Tim?

[heartbeat sound]

Tim?

[screaming]

What are you doing?

Tim.

Ah.

I was just cleaning, and, um, did you see this?

Because I'm going to change the table.

Anyway, you don't like it, do you?

Anyway.

I heard a noise, and I thought it was you, because I

was talking to myself.

And anyway, BT called.

And we've been connected.

So do want tea?

You know, I like this room.

It's lovely.

I like what you've--

the part we've done.

OK.

Do you want a cup of tea?

Noise?

I just-- you know, I heard a noise.

So I thought I would just have a look.

Yeah, so.

Have you just heard about BT?

Yeah, we've been connected.

I was just investigating.

TIM BISLEY: All right.

Playing Scooby Doo?

Yeah.

I was always Daphne when I was little.

Who were you?

Freddie, obviously.

Freddie, yeah.

Now look at us.

[music playing]

TIM BISLEY: And this guy has called The Bear.

Right?

He's like a mutant.

He's essentially a nice guy.

But he's driven to violence by society and habits.

Right.

Who is that then?

TIM BISLEY: That's Doctor Mandrake.

- Doctor Mandrake? - Docktor Mandrake.

It's got a k in it.

Kind of a mad scientist, yeah OK?

And he invented this steroid called oxyphermalcahyde,

and he tested it on this orphan kid.

But it didn't work, did it?

So he chucked out all his research,

chucked the kid out onto the street, and but get this.

Here's the thing.

When the kid reached puberty, the dormant oxyphermalcahyde

in his bloodstream interrupted his DNA coding,

and he mutated into the bear.

So now Dr. Mandrake has dedicated his entire life

to capturing The Bear to rediscover the effects

of oxyphermalcahyde.

So why didn't the doctor just make

the oxyphermalcahyde again?

Well, because he invented it by accident, didn't he?

And these mutants here, they are like mistakes

he's made as he's tried to recreate the serum.

And you like, see that guy's got a really big head.

So do you like my comic?

Yeah.

Oh, that reminds me, actually.

I was talking to Marcia about the rubbish.

And she says the door downstairs opens out to the backyard,

so we have to take it downstairs to the basement.

Oh, well I'll take those bin bags down there tonight.

Oh, do you want another cup of tea?

Oh, no thanks.

12 is my limit.

[door opening]

Hello?

Hello?

Hello.

Daisy, this is Brian.

Oh, hi Do you rent downstairs?

Do you mean, am I gay?

DAISY STEINER: What?

Do you mean, am I gay?

No, no.

I mean, are you renting the downstairs flat?

Oh, right.

Yup, sort of.

Are you gay?

What?

Are you gay?

Eh.

All right.

Would you like a glass of wine or something?

Yeah, I can't stay long.

DAISY STEINER: And he invited me back to stay with his family

in Istanbul.

And you know, I didn't like to say no, you know.

But his sisters kept me in the house all day,

and made me eat green eggs, and watch Turkish television.

So I had to escape through the window in the small toilet.

Hopefully, I'll get some publishers interested.

What do you do, Brian?

I'm an artist.

I'm an artist.

Oh.

What kind of thing do you do?

Anger.

[screaming]

Pain.

Ow!

Fear.

[bells jingling]

Oh.

Aggression.

[clock ticking]

Watercolors, or?

It's a bit more complex than that.

Tim does cartoons.

It's a bit more complex than that.

Processing concept and substance, trying to create

string in independent forms.

Like sausages?

See, contemporary art is a dirty plate,

heaped with worthless junk food, and I

want something more nourishing.

Like sausages?

[bumping noise]

[muffled voices]

[footsteps]

What's that?

It's Amber, Marcia's daughter.

[knocking at door]

Marcia.

Don't ask her if she wants to talk.

It was the fucking dog.

It was like the dog was some kind of replacement.

We used to let her sleep in the bed.

Actually, in the bed.

Sometimes, I used to wonder.

Anyway, eventually I decided it was the dog or me.

And he chose the dog.

Bitch.

[phone rings]

Ah, Sarah.

- Sarah? - Sarah.

I'm here.

I'm here.

It's OK.

It's his pet name for me.

Hmm.

Where does that come from?

My ex-girlfriend.

Hello?

- It's me, Richard. - Hello.

I got your phone number from your mom.

How is it going?

Oh, fine.

You know, good.

Thanks.

What's the flat like?

Very nice.

Cool.

Listen, I've been thinking.

You know, wondering about that Tim guy you've moved in with.

Yes.

Look, I can't really talk now.

OK.

There's some people here.

OK.

OK, OK.

[SOUTHERN AMERICAN ACCENT] I love you, Daisy Duke.

I love you too, Boss Hug.

I can't hear you.

I love you too, Boss Hogg.

Bye.

That was Boss Hogg.

How long have you been together.

Five years, eight months, three days.

That's what you said two days ago.

Shit.

[string music]

[heart beating]

Times like this, I wish I was telepathic.

Don't you, Tim.

Oh, damn.

Daisy and I have two anniversaries.

Don't we, daisy?

OK.

Daisy takes it from the first time we kissed.

I take it from the first time we were physically

intimate with each other.

Oh, that is sweet.

Whose is it today, then?

It's Daisy's.

Mine.

So you had sex before you kissed?

Shit.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Happy anniversary.

Well, good night.

Are you going to keep the table here, 'cause I think it works

better placed by the window.

It's up to you, though, really.

Isn't it?

It's your flat now.

Yes.

Good night, Brian.

Good night.

Are you?

No.

Thanks.

See you later.

[door shuts]

DAISY STEINER: That was close.

You're telling me.

Well, didn't get much unpacking done, did we?

No.

Well.

Well.

Well, well, well.

Well, well, well.

Good night.

OK.

Night.

[inaudible].

Yeah.

Well done, today.

That's good.

I'm knackered.

Me too.

So, goodnight.

Oh.

OK.

Go on.

Night.