Original subtitles

Season 1, Episode 3 "The Floating Anniversary"

This was supposed to be my anniversary.

That's me in the car.

Don't wait up, 'cause I don't know when I'll be home!

As much fun as this looks,

a couple of days ago, we had a different plan in mind.

Happy Anniversary.

Oh, honey!

I don't have anything for you.

I had long ago learned not to get Mike presents.

What the hell is this?

What did you get me this for?

I mean, thanks, but...

Seriously what did you spend on this?

You kept the receipt, right?

This was actually our 16th and 17th anniversary.

We kept postponing the 16th

until it floated right into number 17.

I know how busy you've been,

and you saying how badly you want to get away, so...

A trip to the carpet remnants store.

I love it! Oh!

I know.

It's a little pathetic to get so excited

about a carpet remnant,

but the rug in our bedroom had some serious mileage on it.

I told you. I wasn't kidding.

On Friday, I'm taking you to French Lick.

We'll stay overnight at the Route 33 motor lodge,

then we'll pick out our remnant on Saturday

and head back home.

Oh! I love it.

Except for the heading home part.

Nobody wants to see that.

I think old people kissing is sweet.

All right, I think we're done here.

Brick! Packed your lunch! Let's go!

Hey, could I drive to school today?

No, not today.

Your mom and I have a lot to do, plus we don't want to die.

If I don't get to practice driving, I'm never gonna get my license.

That's why we taught you to walk.

Tell you what-- if you stop by the lot after school,

I'll try to sneak you in for a test-drive, okay?

- Okay. - Come on, guys. Get going.

You don't want to miss the bus.

- Let's go. - Good-bye, Mom.

All right. Have a good day. See you guys.

Hey-- Oh.

Mom, I don't feel good.

Uh-oh.

One sick kid could lead

to a whole house full of sick by Friday,

and there goes the anniversary.

You're fine. You're not sick. Positive attitude.

A bus ride will make you feel better.

I really don't feel good.

Okay.

If you have to throw up, do it on Mommy's carpet.

The problem is, I had to work that day.

But when you're a workin' mom, you gotta get creative.

Okay, there's ginger ale in the cupholder.

If you need anything, honk twice.

I wish I could stay home and watch TV

and have you make me soup.

Oh, sorry, honey. Wrong family.

Is it against the rules for me to be here?

Of course not.

Just keep your head below the window.

Meanwhile, third period at Sue's school was set aside

so kids could do whatever clubs they had gotten into.

Since Sue didn't get into any clubs,

she was sent to the front office to make student I.Ds--

A job she referred to as the lamination club.

I'm Brendan Nichols. This is my first day.

Is this where I get my I.D. made?

Are you okay?

I'm about done being Mr. Nice Guy.

The month's almost over, and sales are...

What in the name of good God Almighty is that?

It's a houseplant.

A houseplant?

This is not your house.

How many times have I told you?

No bringing personal items into work!

The only thing any of you

need to be worrying about taking care of is me.

You don't need a houseplant

stealing your focus from what you should be working on--

selling cars!

I'm sorry, sir, I'm not thinking clearly.

I gave blood this morning.

Well, don't do it again.

It was very selfish of me, sir.

Did they give you a cookie?

Thanks.

Lou, did you see the red sedan that was parked here?

Hear that engine? This baby's got 260 horses.

Can we play the radio?

Radio!

How could this have happened?

I purposely put Brick in the ugliest car

on the whole lot and marked it up by 25%.

Frankie, the, uh, "package"

that you left in the back of the red sedan

has been placed in the green hatchback,

and Pete says it needs a Kleenex.

Frances, what the hell is your son doing here?

Mr. Ehlert, I am so sorry. It's just been the worst day.

Hey, Mom.

Oh. You're talking about Axl...

who is here because he got his learner's permit,

and we are thinking of buying him a car.

All right! Well, show him that yellow car.

It's got a tape deck.

You're buying me a car?

Wrong family.

Listen, honey, this isn't the best day for driving practice.

I have to find your brother.

I'll take him out for you.

Are you sure?

Thank you, Bob.

He's really pretty good, unless he has to turn.

Turn!

So, Ax, I hear you play football?

Yeah.

I used to play a little ball myself

when I was your age.

Those days, they called it foosball.

Wrist used to swell up something awful.

Seems like yesterday I was right where you are now.

I tell you, though,

driver's license changes the whole deal.

Once you're out of that house, whoo, boy!

No family for me.

It's all Bob, all the time.

If I want to go to the arcade again tonight

until it closes, I do it.

No family wondering where I am.

I'm a bag in the wind.

Dude, are you crying?

Eyes on the road.

Hiding Brick all day had worn me out.

I needed French Lick now more than ever.

Mom, can I talk to you?

Yeah, sure.

I saw this boy today at school...

Now I know I should have been thrilled by this.

My daughter was telling me about her first big crush.

But I was so tired,

all I could do was pretend to listen.

When I tried talking to him...

And then I saw something amazing,

something I was beginning to think

I'd never see in my lifetime.

Brick was making a sandwich.

Just this morning he was sick,

and now an actual sandwich.

It was like that guy who got hit by lightning

and suddenly knew how to play the piano.

So what do you think?

Is it a good plan?

Uh, sure, honey. That's a great plan.

Yay!

Brick, did you make your own lunch?

Did it all by myself.

Hey!

And suddenly, everything seemed hopeful.

There was one less thing I would have to do tomorrow

and for the rest of my life.

Brick would make sandwiches, Axl would learn to drive,

and soon there would be time for a trip

to the carpet remnants store whenever I wanted...

Or so I thought.

- Hello? - Frankie!

Oh, hi, Aunt Edie.

Uh-huh. Okay. Be right over.

My aunts Ginny and Edie had been smoking and coughing

for almost 70 years without ever considering

there might be a connection between the two.

Damn arthritis.

I'm sorry to bother you, but here it is 6:00,

and we can't open our medicine.

Oh, and another thing-- I failed my driving test today,

so you're going to have to help get us around.

- What? - I have a foot appoiment Tuesday,

and she has to get her wheelchair tuned up on Thursday.

And while it's there, you'll have to carry her around.

But don't worry. She's not that heavy anymore.

Okay. Hold on.

I'm gonna have to write this down.

And, dear,

could you make me a sandwich?

I should have figured

this was the way the world worked.

Soon as the kids gain a shred of independence...

the old folks spring a leak.

Lost another one.

Lost another one.

Shuttling everyone around all week had made me nuts,

but at least I had one thing to look forward to.

Okay, Mike. I'm all packed for tonight.

Oh, but I need you to swing by the mall at 5:00

and pick up Aunt Ginny at the eyeglass place.

But we should be on the road by 8:00, 8:30 tops.

Sounds like somebody wants to get

to the Route 33 motor lodge.

Mike!

Do you two even know what you look like?

Okay, listen, Axl,

you're in charge, and I want you to know we trust you.

Then I should have the car keys

in case there's, you know, an emergency.

I trust you with the kids, not the car.

Blah.

Sue, what is that you're wearing?

It's my idea for telling Brendan that I like him.

R-remember? You said it was a great plan.

Honey...

Hello?

We just heard from the doctor.

It's emphysema. Oh, Frankie!

I don't know how I'm gonna live without her.

Calm down. Just calm down.

I'll be right there.

Sue, just please change the shirt.

We'll talk more later.

Aunt Ginny, I am so sorry. I...

It's the dog?

The dog has emphysema?

Poor Doris.

How could this have happened?

You're kidding, right?

Hey, the vet says

she has to be in a smoke-free environment

until she regenerates lung tissue.

What could I say?

So what, now we're not going?

I-I don't know. I mean, the kids can't watch her.

You can't leave her alone for more than 15 minutes,

or she chokes on her own saliva.

And someone has to change the nicotine patch,

because she's going through withdrawal.

Perfect.

Look, I want to go on the trip, Mike.

Believe me, I need this trip, okay?

I eat standing up at the counter.

I've been reading the same one article

in "People" magazine for a month.

No one wants to get away more than me.

Your problem is, you're letting these people

control your whole life. Aunt Ginny has a son.

Well, you know Travis is in prison.

And Aunt Edie's kid fried his brain huffing paint.

He's literally the village idiot of Terre Haute.

What about your mom?

Mom's in Des Moines taking care of Grandma.

How the hell long do people live in your family?

You do for family, Mike.

That's all there is to it.

Maybe if you did a little less for family,

they'd start dying off,

and we could have a damn vacation.

Oh! Hello?

What?

No, no, I've been at work all day.

Mike was supposed to...

Okay, just stay put.

I-I'll be right there.

You forgot to pick up Aunt Ginny.

You forgot to remind me.

How many times do I have to remind you?

Do you want me to pin a note to your shirt like a child?

No, you should have stuck it on my thermos,

like you always do.

I'm gonna go pick up Aunt Ginny.

Could you please remember to take the dog outside

so it can do its business?

- The dog's in a diaper. - It doesn't know it's in a diaper!

It'll only go if it's outside! God.

And so that's how Mike and I

had a big, ol' nasty fight

on what should have been the loving celebration

of our 16th and 17th anniversaries.

And don't wait up, 'cause I don't know when I'll be home!

Diapering a damn dog.

Where's Mom?

Driving the old-mobile.

Well, can I ask you a question about a boy?

I'd rather you not.

Okay, okay. No, it's okay.

Well, his name is Brendan.

I'm trying to get his attention.

Well, don't do anything sexual. Boys hate that.

Well, what did Mom do

when she wanted you to notice her?

Well, with your mother, it was the other way.

She didn't know I was alive.

I had to make a grand gesture, so I went to a friend's barn...

"Lisa"?

Well, your mom didn't like me very much when we first met,

so she told me her name was Lisa.

But hey, it got me here, didn't it?

Wow. A grand gesture, huh?

Thanks, Dad.

Yep. It got me here.

So how was the big weekend?

Didn't happen.

Mike and I got in this big fight.

I mean, he says I try to take on too much

with the kids and my aunts, but what am I supposed to do?

Everybody needs something from me.

That must be hard...

Being needed.

I could tell you about my life,

but I don't want to make you jealous...

Ever mention how I'm a bag in the wind?

I'm just so tired, and now Mike's mad at me.

Hey, before you can take care of your relationship,

you need to take care of you.

You're exhausted,

and you need to take a little break, all right?

- Right now. - I can't!

Of course you can. You deserve it.

The world's not gonna stop turning

if you take 15 minutes.

Ehlert will be all over me 'cause I didn't make the coffee.

I'll do it, all right?

That's my anniversary gift to you, all right?

Go. Enjoy.

Bob was right. I did need 15 minutes.

I mean, it wasn't French Lick, but it was something.

When it was over...

I knew that had been the most worthwhile 15 minutes of my life.

Sometimes you don't know how badly

you need something until--

What the--

Who in the hell made the coffee?

Mom, where are you?

Mom, Mom!

Mom, I am so, so sorry.

Oh my god! Are you all right?

All right, all right. Hold on. One at a time.

It is the most humiliating thing

that has ever happened to anyone.

Honey, I'm sure it's not as bad as that.

It was.

Bit by bit, I was able to piece together what had happened.

It seems the phrase "grand gesture"

had stayed with Sue after her talk with Mike.

Um, this is Sue Heck

with a special message for Brendan Nichols.

# Why do birds #

# suddenly appear #

# Every time #

# you are near? #

# Just like me, they long to be #

# Close to you #

It was a girl's worst nightmare.

Everyone in the school was laughing

about that ridiculous Sue Heck.

The only bright spot was no one knew who Sue Heck was.

Meanwhile, Axl was offered

a rare chance to practice his driving.

Hey, Mom. Uh, Aunt Edie asked me to drive her to the mall,

so if you don't call me back and say no in 60 seconds,

I'll assume you're okay with it.

While at the same time,

Brick had decided to take the dog for a pull

to show off the many sights of Orson.

This is my favorite place.

You're the first person--or dog--

that I've ever brought here.

Apparently, Brick's favorite place

was also Sue's favorite place to cry.

Sue?

Oh, no. Doris!

Uh, Aunt Edie, I don't think that's okay.

It's all right. It's my driving beer.

Isn't that Doris?

Ma'am, I already spoke to your aunt,

but I need to clear up a few things with you.

I understand your children were trying to get in touch with you?

I am so sorry.

I just turned off my phone for 15 minutes.

You turned off your phone

but you're a mom.

I just needed a break.

From what? Being a mom?

No. Well, yes.

Okay. I just have one question for you.

Why didn't a single one of you think to call your father?

Dad hates it when we call him at work.

And so I decided to stop fighting it.

Maybe Queen Elizabeth or Julia Roberts

could take 15 minutes in the bathroom

with maxi pads on their eyes

or plan a trip to the carpet remnants store,

but not me.

I had flown too close to the sun,

and I had paid the price.

Frankie, I've got to show you someting in the car.

What, now?

So what did you wanna show me?

Buckle up!

What, Mike? Wait, what are you doing?

It's our almost-18th anniversary,

I'm taking you to French Lick and buying you a carpet remnant.

Mike, okay, look. Stop!

Look, you can't just do this.

This is crazy!

I don't even have my phone.

What about the kids?

And--and Aunt Ginny and Aunt Edie?

Took care of it.

Turns out, after all these years,

Mike's a genius.

Okay! Time to turn off the TV.

And have a little family conversation.

So who watched last week's Wife Swap?

Alright, I'll tell you all about it.

So there's this couple, right--

Mike was able to get Bob to give up

his free-wheeling bag-in-the-wind lifestyle

and have a family for one night.

Again, I'm not trying to hurt you.

I'm just trying to tell you about the best episode.

- I loved it! - And as for Mike and I,

Happy?

Yeah.

- Route 33 motor lodge? - Never disappoints.

And the remnants?

So beautiful.

No natural fibers.

It's a shame we have to take it home

and let it get all covered with...

life.

You're right.

I think we need to take 15 minutes.

This isn't the easiest phase of life.

You've got young people and old people

pulling at you from both directions.

But it's not so bad

as long as you've got somebody in there with you.

And that's something you gotta remember to celebrate.

Transcript: SFile.YDY.com Sync: YTET-Vicky8800 [YDY.com]

Edits: VeRdiKT [Subscene.com / Addic7ed.com]

Final Edits: SergOz