Original subtitles

[Sweeping orchestral music]

-[Orchestral music continues] -[Water laps]

We did it, Gerard.

Empty, uninhabited land.

[Gerard] Natives may have been here, sir.

Oh, my dear, paranoid fusspot.

Do you see any natives around?

Well, that could have been left by wild animals.

Ah, look, a large mammal that's capable of shedding its fur.

Incredible, sir.

[Gasps] Gerard, the oar!

Quickly! Quickly, man.

Here we go.

Yes, thank you, best friend.

Hey!

By order of the King,

I hereby claim this land for His Majesty King George.

The settlers will be so excited.

Let's release the celebratory rabbits.

Yes, yes, yes, yes! Oh, oh, oh!

Oh, Bunnikins and Flopsy will provide healthy recreation

for our new settlement.

Ooh!

-Oh, farewell, adorable vermin. -[Rabbit squeaks]

Mwah! Oh!

Oh, have fun getting shot at for sport.

Mwah! Alright.

Now go forth and multiply.

Such a sustainable choice.

Shall we release the cane toads as well, sir?

Tomorrow. Mm!

Come on, come on.

Cuddle time is over.

Come on, Gerard, sing the song.

[Sings flatly] # Two best friends... #

-[Gideon] Oh! -# Two bunny friends

-# Two best bunny friends... # -[Gideon] Oh!

Oh, they can't leave me!

-# Two best friends... # -[Sobs] They'll never leave me.

-[Sobs] -# Two bunny friends... #

They'll never leave me, but they have to leave me.

-I think it's time, sir. -Alright.

Goodbye. Goodbye.

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

[Sean] What do you reckon people do in the country?

Like, should we take up a hobby?

Bushwalking or...

-Birdwatching? -Yeah.

-Mm-hm. -Fishing?

You know what we can do?

-We can swim. -No, we can't.

-[Kate] Yep. -No, no, we can't, Kate. No.

-[Kate] Come on. -No, we can't.

According to the farmers' markets,

this is home to a particularly spiteful family

of bull sharks.

And jellyfish and algae. Look. See?

No, no! Kate, don't. Let me check the shark app.

There's no bull sharks. No jellyfish.

There's nothing even remotely dangerous about these waters.

-Look. -[Woman] Yoo-hoo!

[Man] Hi, hi!

[Woman] We're the neighbours.

[Sean] Hello.

-Richard. -Joy.

We're coming over.

Jim, take us over.

It's electric.

[Sean] Lovely to finally meet you.

We were wondering who owned this vast...land.

Hardly vast, but we have been away.

We've just come back from

the most wonderful round-the-world cruise.

-How lovely. [Laughs] -[Joy] Ah!

-Do you cruise? -Ooh.

-[High-pitched voice] No. -No.

No, actually. No.

Have you been here long?

Oh, well, you could say that. [Chuckles]

Richard is descended from the town's founder,

Gerard Larkin.

-[Gideon hums] -[Both] Wow.

Gerard Larkin founded the town? Ha!

Why, I could bore you all day with details on why she's wrong.

For starters, I was the one first off the landing party.

I put my foot down, and I remember it

because I got soggy socks for a week.

And I'm sixth generation,

so you could say we've always been here.

-Ah. -[Both] Wow.

Yeah.

With the colony in need of

new pastures for livestock,

the Governor had approved an expedition

to settle the fertile lands beyond the three waterholes.

Well, well, well!

Let me tell you how that went, Katherine.

Not very well, Gerard.

I'm sure you've noticed

that our mutual boundary's in dire straits.

I mean...

It was, of course, a great honour

to be chosen to lead the party.

-Ohh! Ah! -Oh, sorry. I just tripped.

-Uh, fixing the fence? -Yeah, that's right.

Uh, I've got a couple of quotes.

Looks like it's going to come in at 40.

Dollars?

[Joy] 40,000.

-Dollars? Dollars. -[Joy] Hm!

But split between two, it's only 20 grand each.

Sound reasonable?

[Kate laughs awkwardly]

[Richard laughs]

No, there's literally not 20K in here for a stupid fence.

I mean, they're well off.

Can't we just cry poor?

Oh, I'm not a fan of crying poor to rich white people. Nuh.

But you are poor.

[Eileen] Your man is also bone idle,

or he'd be fixing the fence himself.

Don't give him the satisfaction. Larkin's as sketchy as.

-[Lindy] Oh! What do you know? -Nothing.

Snitches get stitches,

and stitches can get heavily infected.

-Wait, what do you know? -No... Well, nothing. I just...

What happens on a private property

between a man, a woman and their dog is...

I don't want to talk about it.

The Larkins were low-down sheep duffers.

And worse, Protestant.

[Spits]

The Larkins stole my radishes.

-They did not! -Oh, my goodness.

I think you're all forgetting that the Larkins are very rich

and therefore better people.

My fiance Roland was a Larkin.

General consensus is the Larkins are terrible,

give or take Miranda's fiance.

OK, look, the Larkins may be cringe and everything,

but they are our neighbours,

so why don't we just invite them over to drinks

and we can blow smoke up their butts.

-OK, but no crying poor. -[Sean] No, no, no crying poor.

Crying...nice.

-Deal. -Uh! I love crying.

So it's a dinner party, then.

I love crying at dinner parties.

[Richard] Hey, guys!

Notice you've got some jungle-y patches,

so we're lending you 'The Beast'.

Yeah!

[Joy giggles]

Cost an absolute bomb, but she purrs.

Meow!

Woof. Woof, woof, woof.

No, Richard. Leg.

-[Bottles clink] -Here you go, sweetheart.

Thank you!

I'm sure you've noticed

our little vineyard, by the way.

[Sean laughs] Yeah.

We stomp the grapes with our own bare feet.

[Richard] Mm.

-[Kate] Hm. -Cheers.

-[Kate whispers] Cheers. -Mmm!

[Kate] Mmm!

We named it Gerard's grapes

after Richard's famous ancestor.

It's really, um... it's, like, zesty.

-[Joy] Mm! -The obfuscation continues.

Why, this portrait is, well, shall we say, very flattering.

-Pfft! -[Kate chuckles]

Your uncle seemed a bit of a sad character.

You know, reclusive. [Laughs]

I never met him. He was on my dad's side, so...

And your mother is...Indian?

First Nations.

Of course. How lovely. Ohh!

Do you know the Johnsons?

They're the Aboriginal family in town.

No, I don't. No.

That portrait is far smoother of skin and bushier of moustache

than when I knew Gerard, when he was busy not founding the town.

Pfft! The man was a pleb.

This is so yum.

-Do you mind if I grab a top-up? -Oh, go for your life.

The 2022 has an amazing finish, doesn't it?

Yes. Yes! So good.

[Quirky music]

[Whispers] Joon.

Hmm?

Hmm?

I need you to distract Gideon for me.

OK.

-Gideon! -Ehh... What?

Uh...

Spit it out, man.

What is this? What are you doing?

Stop that. Stop... Ugh!

I need you to listen to his story.

-Argh! -[Kate] Please?

-I'll buy you a metal detector. -Whuh?

-It detects metal. -Whuh?

Gold is a metal.

-Bah! -[Kate chuckles]

-Gideon. -[Gideon] Hm?

[Gags]

To hear your story would be an honour.

Please talk at me.

[Whispers] Finally.

Joy, Joy, would you like to come over here

and tell me more about the, um, gren...'grenackie'?

[Chuckles] Aren't you gorgeous?

It's grenache.

Just like how much light this place gets.

Are you, uh... You a dog man, Sean?

Uh, I'm a turtle man.

-[Laughs] -Yeah, I had turtles as a kid.

-[Laughs] -Yeah.

I had a gorgeous kelpie once.

-[Sean] Mm-hm? -Mm.

Grover.

Ah.

[Chuckles] I'm a kelpie man.

Uh-oh. [Laughs]

-Yeah. -Hm.

He just ran away one day.

It's possible I loved him too much.

Oh.

[Kate] The thing is we're, like, six months off

opening the guesthouse.

12. 12. 12 months, really. Um, yeah.

And then after that, once the revenue starts coming in,

we're more than happy to pay for the fence.

[Joy] Well, Richard and I have had a little chat

and we're happy to cover the costs.

-Real...really? -[Joy] Mm-hm.

Really? I mean...

-That's very generous. -Really.

See? Wonderful rich people.

There's always a catch with the Proddies.

I'm not taking me eye off these two.

We'll just need to move the fence back to where it belongs.

Two birds and all that.

-Sorry? -Hm?

[Joy] Oh, that sad old thing's

built three metres too close to our house.

Like... [Laughs]

-Oh. Oh, too...too close? -[Richard] Hm.

Uh, but you can't even see the fence from your place.

Uh, look, a bit of a tits-up, honestly.

-Our son, Dickie Jr... -Dickie!

..did the work.

I mean, very talented, very fast.

-Just a little too fast. -[Laughs]

Nearly as fast as Grover.

You know, I'd whistle, he'd be all over me in a flash

and jumping up and licking and nibbling.

No, Richard.

You want...my land?

[Gasps] Well, yes.

You know, spiritually, your land.

But technically, you know...

..legally ours.

[Sean] Hm. Mm-hm.

[Glasses thud]

[Gideon] As it transpired,

the land around Ramshead

wasn't completely uninhabited.

Are you alright?

This is helping me listen.

Just so you know,

that gesture is quite offensive to Anglo-Saxons.

Thank you.

There was an incident at one of our spiffy new fences.

[Inhales] The...

-[Gideon claps] -[Gasps]

Hello, chaps! Good morning.

Oh, what's this?

Kangaroo or a possum, perhaps? Hmm?

May I? Oh, thank you.

Mmm!

Oh, yummy.

Gerard, do you remember that Spanish barbacoa?

I daresay this is even better.

That's mutton, sir.

They killed one of our sheep.

They must be punished.

Oh.

Oh, I see.

Er, well, my dear, impetuous hothead,

the King's orders are to establish cordial relations

with the natives.

The picture cards, Gerard.

Thank you.

Yes. Er...

Ye... Oh. Sally.

Oh. Broke her hip.

Hm. Don't ride roos.

Um... Ah!

Sheep.

Fluffy. Moronic. Delicious.

Baaarbacoa.

But they're ours, you see.

And the punishment for theft is...

-Where's the hanging card? -[Gerard murmurs] It's in there.

Should be in there.

The, um... Uh...

Man...go...bye-bye.

Eh... Er...

[Stammers and exclaims] Here.

Look. [Gags]

-[Gasps] -[Gideon] Yes, yes, I know.

Rather nasty business, isn't it?

But worry not.

Since I have claimed this land for the Crown,

you're now subjects of the King,

which means that you're now under King's law.

Your king? Our land?

Oh, the King's English. Bravo, sir.

You block our waterholes. You block our hunting.

Well, how about this, my noble friend?

-I'll write to the Governor. -How long's that gonna take?

Uh, well, he may need to write back to His Majesty in England,

so it should only take about a year or two.

And in the meantime, I'll let you chaps off with a warning.

No, this is us letting you off with a warning.

-[Gideon] Oh! -[Gerard] That's a threat, sir.

There may be some discontent if you just let them off.

Oh, pish! This is going to be a wonderful exchange.

We'll teach them to be civilised,

and they'll teach us some delicious recipes.

Uh, I say, what's the secret seasoning?

-Saltbush and stolen land. -[Gideon] Uh...

It means piss off and don't come back.

Oh, piss...piss off, eh?

Piss? Is that a spice?

[Camera clicks repeatedly]

[Richard] Hmm.

-[Camera clicks] -[Richard slurps]

[Sucks wine rhythmically]

Richard. No.

[Richard whispers] Sorry.

Where are they? I'm starving.

It's rude.

And do you know the Johnsons?

Come on!

I know.

I thought Richard's dog thing was a red flag.

Oh, my God, that wine makes me need a drink.

[Kate] Alright.

Guys, these are all the property docs that I could find.

Everyone pick a page and read.

Except for Eileen, who can't read. Ah!

[Eileen] I can read a room.

Let me tell you, there's a big secret the shiny woman's keeping

from the mopey-looking fella.

Ah! Amazing. What is it?

How would I know?

Only God above can read minds.

-Their kid's a meth-head. -Ooh!

I will not tell you any more than that.

Tell us more.

Dick Larkin Jr

was one of my biggest customers.

-Lindy... -I remember him!

No wonder he built that fence so fast.

I don't know if I can mention the addict son.

-I think that's kind of mean. -[Eileen sighs]

What was he addicted to?

And please do not say the love of a loyal canine.

This is why you're going to lose

with your sad little middle-class feelings, Kate.

I'm not going to lose anything

because I used to be a really good lawyer

and now I'm a really good lawyer who's really, really annoyed.

Aye, that's it. Drink up, drink up.

Take your medicine.

That'll put some fire in your belly. Oh, yes. [Sniffs]

[Gideon] Now, new settlements require

not just a heroic founder

but also a brilliant magistrate.

And fortunately for the unruly settlers, I was both.

-[Settlers talk at once] -[Gideon] Order!

Order!

[People hush]

This crime is punishable by hanging.

The natives killed a sheep

and made some truly inspired barbacoa

and you ungrateful settlers hunted them down

and remorselessly dispatched several members of their tribe.

-[All talk at once] -[Gideon] Order!

Order!

[Bellows] Order!

You have murdered subjects of the King.

A good hanging is the only way you'll learn.

[Settlers talk at once]

Sir, are you sure you want to take the side

of those filthy savages

over your own kind?

You mean noble natives,

and you'll find that this execution

projects strength, rule of law, that sort of thing.

Ohh.

-Why... -This is not justice.

-[Settlers protest] -This is not justice.

[Settlers argue]

-Hm. Good point, sir. -[Gideon] Hm!

The people may despise you

but that's a small price to pay for justice.

[Tense music]

-[Settlers talk at once] -[Gideon mouths words]

Then again...

[Settlers whisper]

..mercy is a virtue.

On this one occasion,

I will let you naughty chaps off with a warning.

But it happens again... [Snaps fingers]

[Quirky music]

[Settlers whisper quizzically]

-What's that? -[Woman] What's that?

[Settlers whisper]

The kiss...

..of death.

[Settlers gasp]

-[Quirky music] -[Settlers chatter]

[Gideon] And thus, the harmony of our fledgling settlement

was maintained.

Are you following, Joon?

-"Two best friends." -[Gideon] Ah!

-"Two bunny friends." -Yes.

[Both sing] # Two best bunny friends... #

Oh, you are listening!

What else?

Piss off.

Yes, 'pessiff' -

that delicious spice that they must have used

on the barbacoa.

The fence is definitely in the wrong place.

Ask anyone in town.

Speaking as a lawyer, that's a little anecdotal for me.

I might go into the local council tomorrow

and take a look at the original surveys.

Yeah.

Just dropped the word 'lawyer'

in the convo.

Nice one, Kate.

Speaking as a councillor,

we have some serious doubts about two outsiders

opening a hotel in our little village.

Just not in keeping with the local character.

Hm! And an immediate riposte.

S-sorry, you've got a problem with the hotel now?

[Gasps]

Oh, sorry.

Just a little...power nap.

Whatever doubts you may have, Joy,

I doubt you want to go to court.

Court? Who said anything about court?

Yeah, who did say anything?

Well, at the very least,

your son built a dodgy fence

and you neglected it for years,

so you'd be paying for the fence and our...

[Both] ..legal fees.

[Joy] OK.

You're being very aggressive right now.

Richard, come.

Oh, back to the doghouse.

[Grunts] I wish.

What?

I have a secret, but I'm keeping it.

I'm keeping it really secret, so w...uh, watch.

[Joy] We tried to be nice,

but if I have anything to do with it,

your little hotel will never see a guest.

[Richard grunts]

-[Joy] Richard! -Oh!

Honestly, they're just starting to give rich people a bad name.

[Whispers] Thank you.

Oh, God, I regret it.

I regret it. I regret that. I regret that.

[Crows caw]

-What's in there? -This looks serious.

-[Convicts] Yeah. -Yep.

Well, I need to prove the original boundary lines.

Surveys, maps, anything.

Yes, yes, yes,

to prove that I founded the town.

Oi, Curly here didn't found the town.

That's right. Old snaggletooth Larkin did.

No, no! Bah! Lies!

-[Convicts argue] -[Gideon] Yes, that's right.

-Exactly. Oh, I... -Guys, guys.

I have a raging sulphite headache,

so if you're not gonna be helpful, can you just drift off?

[Convicts mutter]

[Convict mutters] He should drift off.

They're wrong, Katherine. I swear to you.

If nothing else,

I did my duty.

-[Solemn music] -[Insects chirp]

[Flames whoosh]

-[People shout in distance] -[Door opens]

The natives are burning the farmhouses down.

You have to arm the men.

My dear, panicky worry wart,

I...I don't know what they've got in a lather about.

I gave these naughty settlers a stern warning.

-[Thudding] -The natives don't understand.

You have to go out and speak to them, sir.

Now?

Uh, they seem rather heated.

You're the only one that can fix this, sir.

They offered you mutton once.

They'll do it again.

They respect you, sir.

-Just as much as I do. -[People shout outside]

-Yes. -[Flames whoosh nearby]

-Yes? -[Gerard] Yes, yes, yes.

I...I suppose you're right. I...

You're a hero. You are.

Thank you, Gerard.

[Gerard] You'll go down in history, sir.

[Gideon] Excuse me, chaps!

[Cheerfully] What say we sort this out, eh?

-You there! -[People shout outside]

[Gideon] Put that down!

[Whooshing and thudding]

[Gideon cries out painfully]

Ah!

Ooh! [Gasps]

That didn't go quite as well as I'd hoped.

[Gerard] You're alright, sir.

We'll get that thing out of you in a jiffy.

You just have a little lie-down there.

-[Gasps] Thank you, Gerard. -Yeah.

You always were my most faithful friend.

Yes.

What's that smell?

Oh.

-[Body thuds] -[Spear cracks]

[People shout outside]

[Gerard] Alright, lads!

Now, now, let's not

escalate things any further.

I said stand down, you rapscallions!

-[Gerard] Get out there! -[Settler] Come on!

-No mercy, lads! -[Gideon sputters]

And, you, clean up this mess.

Arghh!

Gerard!

-Ger... -[Dramatic music]

[Gideon gasps]

-[Guns fire outside] -[Gideon gasps]

-[Gasps] -[Gunfire continues]

[Breathes shakily]

[Gunfire continues]

[Kate] Wow.

So he set you up and started a war.

What? No, that's not what happened.

No, he...he was my closest ally.

Oh, no, he hated you, guv.

Behind your back, he called you all sorts of things.

[Woman] Know-nothin' blowhard.

[Man] A cotton-headed koala shagger.

Yeah, and after that, he'd start insulting you.

-[Convicts laugh] -So many names.

Wait, so you were all working for Gerard?

[Man] Oh, no, no, we wanted no part of the bloke.

[Man] No, not us. Definitely not.

-We never wanted to come here. -Oh, we're sorry, Kate.

Please forgive us. Please forgive us.

-We didn't mean anything by it. -Oi!

Mob were fighting for their lives.

I am not dealing with white ghost guilt right now.

Yeah, Kate! That's what I've been saying.

-I'm so sorry. -Sorry.

-Sorry about that. -[Sighs] God.

-[Kate] Oi! -Here she comes. Here she comes.

You better retract that thing before I retract it for you.

Oh, relax. I'm not on your property.

[Kate] And you never will be,

because you are a pair of

land-grabbing gubbas.

'Gubbas'? That's what the Johnsons call us.

Oh, Richard, don't listen to her.

She's unhinged.

Where's your evidence?

The evidence is buried under that tree.

-She's a murderer too. -[Kate and Satan] What?

So who are you talking to?

There is a body buried under that tree.

What's she talking about?

What am I talking about?

Well, I am gonna tell you what I'm talking about.

[Whispers] She killed the dog. The family dog.

-Oh, the dog? -She killed the dog.

15 years ago,

you ran over your pet kelpie on purpose.

Or maybe it was accidentally.

And then in the middle of the night,

you buried him under that tree,

which is not as bad as that.

But you know what, it's still pretty bad.

Bad!

You ran over Grover

with the family Land Rover!

Darling, it was an accident.

[Richard] I knew it! You never liked him.

OK, look, I was allergic to dogs, but did you care?

No.

15 years without a dog.

I loved that dog.

[Sighs happily] What a load off.

I remember Grover.

He was a good little boy, he was. [Gasps]

Katie, I'm very sorry for all the upset today.

The fence can stay where it is.

-Oh, Richard, no! -[Mower putters]

[Sean roars] Ahhh!

Ohhh!

[Fence clunks]

[Mower powers down]

[Keys jangle]

There's your mower.

Oh!

-Go fetch. -[Keys thud]

[Gentle music]

[Kate chuckles]

I must say, Katherine,

you were quite brave

facing down those Larkins,

defending your land.

Oh, so it's my land now, is it?

Well, yeah... well, let's be clear.

I was here first.

Oh, you weren't, though, were you?

And I'm not from here either.

And I'm taking time to pay my respects to the people who were,

so if you'd like to.

-[Metal detector whines] -[Gideon] I...

I do have some regrets for my actions, you know.

Like?

Well, I could have built your people

a little gate for the waterhole.

Oh!

Gideon, are there any bigger regrets that spring to mind?

I should have gifted them some rabbits.

But I never wrote down that recipe for the barbacoa.

Gideon, if we're gonna keep living together,

you're going to have to learn to stop talking

and think.

Y...

No, no.

-[Gideon scoffs] -No, no, no.

-Uh, I... -Gideon.

Thank you.

[Gideon whispers] I'm sorry.

[Gentle music continues]

[Gideon sniffs]

[Gentle music]