Original subtitles

[Quirky music]

Nah, Kate, Kate, it's gotta be much higher than that.

Yeah, and lower.

What was wrong with the paintings of

the kangaroos, Hopsy and Jumperkins?

Oh, careful, watch fingers! You need those for Jazzercise.

-Ooh! -[Joon] You missed.

What you need to do is go to TAFE

and get a Cert III in hammering, 'cause right now...

Would you guys please shut up?

See?

-Ahh. -Ooh.

See what?

Why you're so wound up when we're just being helpful.

It's been ages since you and Sean, you know...

Groped for trout in the briny stream.

Bumped uglies.

-Done it. -Made sweet love.

Guys, there are parts of my life that are private.

Yeah, so stay out of her private parts.

Well, no, that's kind of the problem.

Except for me. It has been weeks.

42 days and 33 minutes, to be exact.

Although that's from post-coitus,

so if that's from the moment of initiation,

well, it's more like 35 min...min...

Oh... Oh, you did a stinky.

[Stammers] I've got to...got to go.

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

Hey.

Hey!

Do you know we haven't done it in, like, weeks?

42 days, not that I'm counting.

[Chuckles]

I am obviously counting.

How did we let this slide?

Oh, Gideon.

[Groans]

You know, when I was struggling to get in the mood,

I'd often lay back and think of England.

Beautiful, erotic England.

No, just...

[Gideon] The thick, sooty air,

the fox hunting, the teeth.

[Sucks teeth]

Here, let me help you.

-[Sings] # God save our... # -Oh...

-Really? -# ..gracious king #

I'm going.

# Long live our noble... #

I'm done. Done. Gideon.

# God save the... #

-Oh. -Yeah.

OK. You know what?

Log off, handsome. Let's sort it out now.

-Come on. -Uh...now, now?

Oh, well, I'll have a shower, obviously.

No, no, no, no, no. It's not that.

It's just I'm waiting for an important package.

So is Kate.

What is it?

It's...connectivity related.

[Eileen] Finally, you're getting the telegraph.

So much more reliable than the cursed sky wife.

-[Mutters] It's wi-fi. -Isn't that what I said?

-Flywire. -No, no, it's not wi-fi.

And look, I'm all up for a little...

..maintenance quickie, but...

..can we also just do something special?

Oh! Oh.

Seany wants to be swept off his feet.

-Yeah. -[Laughs]

Leave the sweeping to the womenfolk.

Why don't we just do, like, a date night?

-[Lindy] Yes! -Like a romance reboot.

-Yes! Great. That. -[Lindy] Yes. I love it.

-And let's do it. -Where?

Anywhere but here.

Can I come?

We just can't go past the fence, obviously. Is that OK?

Just 'cause I can't go past the fence physically.

Do you wanna book it?

-Yeah, OK. -Yeah.

[Squeaks and giggles] I love us!

Best couple ever.

[Sings] # You, me and Seany

# You, me and Seany! #

I wore this one to the upfronts in '83.

-It's pretty shiny, Lindy. -Mm-hm!

Have you been to the pub?

I mean, like, a nice top and jeans qualifies as black tie.

Kate, please.

OK, I'll wear some shoulder pads.

[Lindy giggles]

Oh, this one's from the Logies in '84.

That was the night that Dale told me

that he'd bought Ramshead and he proposed

to hide me in the turret from his wife.

Lindy, Dale sounds pretty domineering.

So domineering! Ooh!

But when I moved in, I relaxed too much.

I snacked on foods,

I fluffed in bed.

[Chuckles] And do you know what happened?

You had healthy bowels?

He married my mum, Kate.

[Chuckles]

My mum, Sue.

Lindy, that's really bad.

Yeah. [Laughs]

But we're not talking about them,

we're talking about us

and you and Sean and how he loves you for your big...

-Brain. -Brain.

-And my sense of humour. -Sure.

-And my work ethic. -Yeah.

And you are so cute for believing that from a man.

He's not gonna marry my mum, Lindy.

No! No. No. [Chuckles]

He only talks to her every second day

and he just turned down sleeping with you

after 42 days of celibacy.

I wouldn't worry about it.

[Gasps] OK.

What do you think?

It's like the old saying goes.

Always judge a book by its cover!

[Giggles]

That's...that's not quite...

It's Confucius.

It's a poem.

-Hi, is this the Carver Inn? -[Miranda groans]

Yeah. Hi. Um, I'd like to book a table for 7pm.

Yeah, I'll hold.

What's the point of all this romance malarkey?

Knickers down, up the duff

and get to making a pair of wee hands to scrub the bog!

[Gideon] Well, there's more to life than just labour, Eileen.

Why, I once experienced the affection of

the most gorgeous creature, Jemima.

The physical connection.

Our bodies becoming one.

Oh, God help us.

If you're asking me, the thing with Kate is

she has the hysteria,

like Miranda's mammy.

-Oh! -[Satan laughs]

I beg your pardon?

[Gideon] Yes, that's right.

The doctor attempted to cure her

with those pelvic massages.

Mm, he gave her a good, hard cure.

-[Gasps] -Every Thursday.

Sometimes twice.

No, it had nothing to do with bedtime activities.

[Satan] Virgin alert.

[Miranda] And proud of it.

I was engaged to a gentleman. A war hero, no less.

I wasn't exactly going to sully myself before the nuptials.

Even now, the thought of being touched by another

is nauseating.

Well, of course it's nauseating now.

It's called throoming, woman.

And I have been smart enough to avoid that for 100 years.

Wait, wait, wait. Hang on, hang on, hang on.

You saying you've never been throomed before?

Sorry, every table is free?

Why did you put me on hold?

-[Satan laughs] -[Eileen] Oh...

Munch, you need a good throoming. Trust me.

Why don't you do that Sean bloke?

Sorry, you know what? It doesn't matter.

-Something's come up. -No!

[Satan] Go on. Do it. Just give it a crack.

[Gideon] Go on. It's a rite of passage, Miranda.

It's going to be painful.

-It's perfect. -Off you pop. Come on.

Ah, leave the poor cailin alone.

She's afeard, is all.

I am not afeard because 'afeard' is not a word.

And I will have all of you know that in 1914,

I wore an ankle-length dress to the Premier's Christmas dinner.

Yes, I showed ankle, at night, on a holiday!

So if any of you think I am afeard,

well, then I have something...

-[Whoosh!] -[Groans wordlessly]

-[Eileen] Aww! -[Gideon] Well done.

Well done, darling.

[Eileen] You always remember your first.

[Gideon] Yes.

[Kate] Do I really have to wear the gloves?

Yes, you do! Now call for Sean.

Why?

Because in the movies, when a woman gets a makeover,

she walks down the stairs and shows the love of her life

how beautiful she is when she actually makes an effort.

Like in 'Grease' when Sandy stops being so frigid.

You're Sandy.

Sean, um, can you come here for a second?

Great. Now just stand normal.

[Sean] Coming.

No, act natural. Normal.

OK, I said normal. Why are you being like this?

Lord, she's making a holy show of herself.

Jeez, they could be sisters.

Just like those witches in 'Practical Magic'.

You guys know that scene with the lime and the coconut song

that everyone was talking about?

Because I...I didn't know it. I never watched it.

I think...it's that one.

This hand, here. On your hip, like this.

Yes, OK. So look at me, look at me.

I want you to breathe in, soften your eyes and say, "Prune."

-Like that. "Prune." -Oh...

-OK. -With your shoulders. "Prune."

[Both] Prune. Prune. Prune.

-You're not doing it. -"Prune."

-[Both] Prune. Prune. -[Door closes]

OK, action!

OK, and we're walking.

We're walking slowly.

The music.

[Murmurs] # And all I do is look into your eyes

[Sings] # For that special touch of paradise... #

[Whispers] Yes, OK.

# Just a touch, a touch of paradise... #

Looks like we're gonna have to eat in tonigh...

Ahh!

You...you...you've dressed up.

Yeah. I thought we were going out tonight.

[Sean] Yeah, no, I know, I know.

I'm sorry, it's just this delivery's changed again.

-It's now between 6pm and 9pm. -Oh.

# And then there's... some damn flamingos... #

[Sean] Anyway, I just...

I have to accept the delivery in person.

If I miss it, then I have to do

that 7-hour round trip back to the depot.

Yeah.

You had your hair done, and it's all...ahh! [Chuckles]

-[Chuckles] -[Hums 'A Touch of Paradise']

Key change.

# Just a touch, a touch of... #

Hey, Lindy, can you stop, please?

[Lindy] Sorry.

I was really looking forward to going out tonight.

[Sean] I know, I know, I know. I'm really, really sorry.

OK, how about this?

I will cook

and I will get dressed up too.

And it'll be fun.

We'll just, like, have a night of it.

[Gideon] Hmm...

-Yeah? -Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.

I'll see what we've got in the kitchen.

You right?

[Miranda laughs kookily]

You're acting gammy, you are.

You're acting gammy with your...gammy face!

Prune.

I was gonna make duck a l'orange,

but we don't have any duck.

-Oh. -Or l'orange.

So I'm making potato a la...

..potato.

Don't be mashing your taters up and down like that!

-Are you insane?! -[Phone chimes]

OK, that's the delivery. Can you...can you keep mashing?

[Groans] Oh, mate.

Oi, what do you miss more, food or girls?

Well, when I was alive, I had plenty of girls.

-But I was hungry all the time. -Yeah.

It's too dry, it's too dry.

-[Joon] So food. -Get some butter.

-Butter, butter. -You?

Girls, mate.

Girls, obviously. No contest.

Did you have a favourite?

Oh, mate.

Oh, there were so many of them, you know?

They sort of all blur into one...

..big girl.

-I loved big girls! -Yeah?

Most of the ex-convict girls I dated were really skinny.

Yeah? From dieting?

-Dysentery. -Gross.

I dated an ex-con once.

-Yeah? -Yeah, yeah, yeah.

We went through the drive-through.

Got hot and spicy.

Oh, so breasts and thighs.

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

A whole bucket of them!

-Sounds saucy. -Oh, there was sauce, mate.

There was sauce!

Don't worry your pretty little face, yeah.

Sweet and sour.

So good.

Chips for days.

It's the crunch when you bit into that chicken.

Mmm!

What about the girl?

What girl?

[Sean] OK, yeah. Yeah, no worries. Coming now.

Uh, hey, I'm at the front door, but I can't see you.

Where are you?

I don't know, mate. I'm at some doors.

OK, which side are you on?

On the left side?

[Sean] Uh-huh.

Is that the south wing or the north wing?

How would I know?

OK, just please, please stay there.

I really need this package for tonight.

It's for me and my girlfriend.

Mate, TMI.

Uh...hello?

Hello?

[Giggles]

-[Retches] -Hello?

[Sobs]

Hello?

[Miranda giggles madly]

Can't believe he just drove off with zero notifications.

Alright, let's...let's phones down, 'cause it's date time.

Yes, yes. Sorry, so sorry.

You know what, Kate?

This...this looks great,

considering all we had was a sack of potatoes.

Yeah. [Chuckles]

Yeah, and hey,

you know when before I said that your hair was all "Ahh!"?

It...it's actually really beautiful.

-Oh. -Really, it suits you.

Oh.

Oh, I'm not gonna do that.

Everything OK?

Yes, fine.

OK, tits and teeth, bat your lashes.

He's been grumpy.

Thank you so much for having us, Kate.

They're all here, aren't they?

-[Kate] Yeah. -Cool, cool, cool, cool, cool.

Might I suggest a minuet to break the tension?

Where's the chicken salt, Kate?

These potatoes need chicken salt.

Satan, just get your face out of Sean's food.

But they need chicken salt!

No, no, no, by all means, Satan, go, go ahead.

[Satan] You're not the boss of me!

Hey, it was your idea to eat in.

Look, sorry, can you just please give us some space?

Thank you.

He's obviously not talking to me, so...

Kate, may I have a sniff?

-Right, you two. -[Both groan]

I'll be needing a loan of them.

Is everything OK?

Obviously not talking to me.

If you can just reach down and sort of yank them up,

I think it will improve his mood.

Kate, can you just... Can you ask them to leave?

OK, now it's very important that we don't lose our cool.

Joon! Listen.

It's very important we stay calm and we listen, OK?

Sit yourself down.

Not you.

Munch, take a seat.

OK.

We be needing to talk.

[Satan] Munch, welcome to your intervention.

Now, I've been to many of these before.

In fact, I've had a few meself.

Basically, you sit around,

you judge your mate for being a dickhead,

but in a safe space, yeah?

What's going on? Sorry, I don't... What's happening?

I know what you were after doing with that wee delivery man.

And we know.

-Because Eileen told us. -Yeah.

Many years ago, I was after

seeing the devil drink take hold of me husband...

..and most of me children.

[Satan] That's right, Eileen.

Addiction can strike at any age.

[Lindy] Ooh, whoopsie! That is a full plate of food, isn't it?

In front of a man friend. And that...that's so brave.

The minuet is such a bright, brisk little number,

much like my delicious little Jemima.

[Laughs]

[Both laugh]

You know what? I'm gonna do it.

OK.

Dear ghosts, can you please just

leave us alone and let us enjoy our date in peace?

Thank you. Thank you for saying that.

So you should go. He means you.

And you too, Lindy.

And I'm gonna go as well. Thank you.

As a choice that I have made.

For a dance.

[Lindy] Oh, OK, yes.

A dance I choose.

I'm choosing to go for a dance.

-Mmm! -OK.

-[Whoosh!] -Do you want to dance?

Sorry... So let me get this straight.

So first you mocked me for never throoming

and now you chastise me for throoming too much?

I mean, come on.

This is perfectly normal, guys.

The boys used to call it the anger phase.

Up next, we'll be bargaining.

So I'm addicted, am I? Am I?

What about you?

With your obsession with fried food?

When you and your leather-bound gorillas

were infesting this place,

I never saw one cooked vegetable.

We were cooking meth!

Plus there's carrot and coleslaw.

As well as that white crap.

And you, Eileen! Ooh! High and mighty Eileen.

But you were just as sloshed

as the rest of your wretched family.

It was only after drinking to cope with all the drunks!

Hey, hey, hey! It's just the throoming talking.

OK? It's not her.

-She got me. She got me. -[Miranda] And what about you?

Yes, you, you silly dimwitted dingleberry.

Oh, no.

So addicted to coitus, you lost your gold!

And your mind!

I feel judged.

But safe.

I am finally feeling something

after a hundred years of utter boredom

and you want to take that away from me?

-Sorry. -[Miranda] No!

No! No!

I am just getting started.

[Cackles]

Ding, dang, dong! [Cackles]

Oh, it was either acceptance or denial.

I don't know. I never got this far.

We should have gone with the exorcism.

[Satan groans]

-[Elegant music] -One. And bend the knees.

One kick. And lower the heels.

-OK, lower your... -[Gideon] One kick.

-And... -What? [Sighs]

-Yeah, just...like a gazelle. -OK, OK!

Just bear in mind

I can't actually see the instructor here.

We're just...going around in circles.

Well, at least I'm trying.

You left me to cook my own romantic dinner

while you went and chased some rando package.

Rando?

Kate, this package is actually kind of important.

This is a disaster.

No, this is passion.

They'll be tearing each other's clothes off in a second.

I just wanted to leave the house, Sean.

I have to deal with the ghosts every day!

I know.

Surely she's talking about the convicts?

You only have to deal with me.

Do you see how unfair that is?

Unfair?

Unfair, Kate? What do you want me to do?

Just bang my head so I can see them too?

-Ah! Incoming! Incoming! -Oh!

[Kate] Uhh!

Give me a break!

You know what? That's fine.

Sean! Sean, I wasn't talking to you.

Yeah, what's new? What's new?

[Kate] Sean, wait.

Sometimes you just have to let a man storm out, OK?

They have really big feelings

and they don't know where to put them.

Dale used to do this all the time, OK?

He would storm out for weeks or months on end.

I was a total mess.

But the uncertainty made it kind of hotter.

Once again, Lindy, that is not reassuring.

Yes, girl! Get those shoulders out. That'll...

They'll get him.

[Giggles]

Oh, my God! What are you doing?

-Stay there. -What is your problem?

I don't have a problem! Just...stay still.

Why would I do that?

-[Giggles] -Oh, my God!

Oh, my... Stop! Stop. Move back.

You are acting like a child.

Well, you're acting like my mother!

She never let me do anything.

I couldn't ride a horse or climb a tree.

OK, I'm really sorry that

you felt trapped, Miranda, in your past life,

but you are dead now.

You've been dead a very long time and you're with us.

So maybe just make a bit more of an effort.

[Whispers] I'm trying.

Are you, though?

I kind of feel like you float around and judge us a lot.

Maybe you could just try engaging,

asking a few questions.

[Whispers] Questions.

OK.

Can you please get me another delivery driver?

What?

Well, I throomed the last one so hard

that he dropped his box.

[Laughs] No.

Watch your fingers. Always cut away from your finger.

That's not away.

Oh, nothing in there.

Oh.

-[Kate] Oh! -Wait.

That's the important package Sean's waiting for.

Talk about an anticlimax!

No, it's from our second date.

We went to an escape room.

Huh?

You're locked in a room and you have to

use clues to escape it.

You be trapping yourself in a room for amusement?

That's warped, that is.

Prison's no joke, Kate.

I mean, the only good bits were Chilli Tuesdays.

Anyway, I solved this rando Morse code thing and then...

..Sean turned to me and said, "I love you."

And even though it was early on, I said it back.

Because I realised that

I really liked being trapped with that nerdy little face.

Now we're trapped with the both of you,

so we are.

I mean, on the other hand,

being trapped in a four-man cell after Chilli Tuesday...

..not ideal.

No bucket. No toilet paper.

Just a rag and a can-do attitude.

[Sean] Kate?

Kate, you up?

I drove all the way to the depot like an idiot,

even though they didn't even have my packa...

You found it!

You're locked in a room.

-The clock is ticking. -No, don't.

Decipher the cryptic clues

and work with the person you love most

to escape before time runs out.

[Laughs] Are you serious?

I just got you some servo breakfast.

This is brilliant!

I can't believe you built me an escape room.

Mmm, you're wasting precious time!

-This? -Mmm.

[Giggles delightedly]

[Satan] Oh, he got Chiko Rolls!

[Sniffs deeply and moans]

[Gideon] Ahh! Incoming!

[Eileen] Control yourself, girleen.

-Lindy? -Mm-hm?

[Sighs]

Is there perhaps a less ridiculous version

of this Jazzercising that I can do in my dress?

Guh...uh...zie...

Uh, yep. Yes.

Yes, please. Um, yes.

OK, so it's low-impact, but you will have to warm up.

So you've got thick ankles. You'll be fine.

Permission to jazz all over me.

[Lindy] Oh, OK! Oh, my God. Thank you!

Maybe not in the face.

OK, sorry. Best friends. Um, let's...do this.

You're a natural! [Chuckles]

You know, I think I changed my mind.

I think I miss girls the most.

[Satan sniffs deeply]

Hey, that's your throom face!

[Groans]

Don't look at me!

I can quit whenever I want, alright?

I just want one more sniff to get through the weekend.

[Sniffs deeply]

-[Satan moans] -[Gideon clears throat]

[Satan] Oh, that's it.

Might I have this dance?

I don't dance English.

[Elegant music]

In this light, your hair somewhat reminds me

of my gorgeous Jemima.

That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me, so it is.

[Chuckles] Such a fine steed.

-[Music ends] -Steed?

Jemima was a horse?

Finest filly I ever had the pleasure of mounting.

Gideon, you may well be a stuck-up eejit

and vain as a peacock.

But?

No, that's it.

"Your next clue is under."

[Lindy] Roll it out. Roll it out.

Under where?

Under...wear!

You did a bad pun for me.

-Yeah. I thought you'd like it. -[Both laugh]

-I'm sorry. -I love you. I'm sorry.

[Gasps] It's happening!

It's happening! Out, out, out, out! Gideon!

Tuck your knees up when you're done.

-It helps with the baby-making. -[Satan sniffs and groans]

My, that looks just like Mummy's hysteria massages!

[Lindy sings] # And all I do

# Is look into your eyes

# For that special

# Touch of paradise

# And just a touch

# A touch of paradise

# And you hold my hand

# And that's when we kiss-uh

# And then it doesn't take long

# For me to get the gist-uh

# And...

# Flamingos! #