Original subtitles

[Heavy breathing]

[Sean] Did I say something wrong?

Kate?

-Hey, where are you going? -[Door opens]

-[Door squeaks] -[Kate breathes heavily]

-[Door closes] -[Kate pants] OK.

-[Tap squeaks] -[Water runs]

[Sean] Kate!

What's going on?

Nothing! Just need a minute.

[Whoosh!]

Kate, it's me,

Lindy Darwin-Paul from 'Wake Up, Australia!'

in the flesh.

-[Giggles] -No, no, no. No.

Well, not in the flesh, exactly.

But, hey, no, you'll remember this, OK?

Um, hello, exercise. Bye-bye, thunder thighs.

Remember? Oh, babe, no, you can't walk through stuff.

-That's a dead-person thing. -[Door closes]

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

Good news is she can see us.

Bad news is she didn't recognise me.

How is that bad news?

-How is that news? -[Gideon] Splendid.

Now we shall simply parley with this woman

on who lives where.

-As in, we stay and she goes. -Where?

[Miranda] To one of her other properties.

As an heiress, she'll have several.

Guys, why are we so obsessed with making her leave?

Now we can finally find out

all the important stuff that's happened since we died.

Like, did Freddie Mercury ever settle down with a nice girl

and is Princess Diana the queen we all knew she would be?

Are Kylie and Jason still together?

Oh, my God, did the Cold War ever get hot?

Was Y2K a thing?

Did literally everybody

do the locomotion

or just some people?

Yeah.

Be a shame to boot her out now, boss.

Says the heartless brute who kicked her into a coma.

Under the instruction of a complete mutton head.

Guys, I'm happy to be

our official ghost-to-breather liaison.

What gave you the authority? You're not in the clergy.

-Or an admiral. -Or the emperor of Australia.

OK, learning moment.

Um, guys, people these days respect celebrities.

What's a celebrity?

Someone who's been on telly.

-Or the internet. -What's a telly?

-What's the internet? -What's someone who's been on?

Ghosts?

-Like...like, actual ghosts? -Yep.

Let's go lie down in your bed at the hospital.

I'm sure it's just the drugs coming out of my system,

or, like, concussion,

but they say it's best to stay awake, so...

Oh, hey! Don't worry. I totally forgive you.

I mean, it must be super weird seeing a ghost.

-[Sean] Uh... -Especially a famous one.

You're intimidated, right?

I was intimidated when I met Rolf Harris,

but then he was like, "Wobble, wobble,"

and I was like, "Wow! He's harmless."

[Laughs weakly] This is a nightmare.

We need to be ruthless.

So red is chuck and green is keep.

Do you mind just starting over there?

I can imagine it brings up all kinds of feelings.

You know, fear, gratitude, arousal.

[Sean] Hey, Kate, you sure you're all good?

Stop worrying.

I just need you to help me with this.

Let's focus on the task at hand.

Hey, Kate, I lost a gold nugget somewhere in the house.

So, small favour, could you pull up all the floorboards?

This is Joon. He's a miner.

Oh, the digging kind, not like a ghost kid.

That would be sad, but not as sad

as, like, a kid down the mines.

Thank God those child labour days are over, right?

Hey, where do they make clothes now?

Kate, are you OK?

'Cause this can wait, you know?

No, I'm totes fine.

We just need to not get distracted by anyone.

As in, by you?

Yes, yes, because there's no-one else here, obviously.

Well, I'm here and Joon's here

and we're all gonna be best friends.

Hey, should we make a blood pact?

Best friends forever!

[Quirky music]

[Sighs]

Oooh, good. A corpse bride.

I beg your pardon.

My name is Miranda Persephone Bathsheba Munchen,

but I will also respond to 'Miranda'.

You are not real. I'm hallucinating.

[Miranda] Oh, yes.

One of my old servants used to talk to herself.

Idiocy, they called it.

Actually, she had your hair.

It's just internalised racism.

[Miranda] I'm a writer, you see.

I'm like Miles Franklin,

except without all that tiresome feminism.

Internalised misogyny. Hm!

And you will have the honour of scribing my debut novel.

Very exciting.

I'll dictate and you type, yes?

You are literate, aren't you?

-[Satan] Oi! -Whoa!

Hey, no. Hey, come back. Listen, listen.

I just want to talk to you, alright?

-Sean! -Hey, he can't hear ya.

Me and the boys soundproofed the place back in the '90s.

Just so the neighbours couldn't hear the screaming.

From the game nights.

Karaoke, 'Yahtzee'.

-Murder mystery parties. -Oh.

And the murders.

Hey, listen, listen, alright?

I don't need an apology or nothing,

but you overreacting and going to the hospital,

that was a bit much.

Get out of the way!

I'm trying to tell ya I'm not gonna hurt ya.

I'm barely even here.

I'm made up of, like, dead air and that.

You could walk straight through me

and you wouldn't even feel it.

Ohhh!

I walked straight into that one.

[Sighs]

Alright, we're even now, yeah?

-[Whoosh!] -Now, you.

It's Kate.

-Katherine? -Kate.

Katherine, you must understand that we mean you no harm.

We simply wanted you to leave and never come back.

Now, as leader...

And who are you supposed to be? Captain Cooked?

Cook? James Cook?

The only thing he cooked was his resume.

The man couldn't navigate his way out of a puddle.

Now, in regards to that little bump on your head,

as leader of the ghosts,

it is my responsibility to ensure

that Satan takes full responsibility.

[Scoffs] Satan?

The Prince of Darkness?

No, my leather-bound first mate with the underbite

and the skin of a pirate.

Although his real name is Brian,

but I don't believe in changing names willy-nilly,

not in my New Holland.

-[Quirky music] -You...

Dismissed!

Am I, like, too tough?

-OK... -I'm too tough, eh?

..so she didn't recognise me.

That's fine.

I mean, she's only one woman, unemployed,

on the verge of a mental breakdown,

just my exact target market.

I mean, I could tell from her elbows

that she hadn't done my workouts,

but, like, what about my cookbook?

And my Christmas cookbook?

And my after-Christmas-diet cookbook?

Linds, mate, she wasn't even born when you kicked the bucket.

[Lindy] Dying really derailed my career, huh?

But at least I reached my goal weight of zero kilos.

[Quirky music]

Wait, that's the tape of my show.

[Satan] Tape?

[Blows raspberry] Who tapes brekkie TV?

Um, 2 million people tuned in to 'Wake Up, Australia!'

every morning,

many because of my segments

like 'Smoke Your Way to Skinny'.

We helped so many new mums.

Oh, I'd murder a dart.

[Tapes crash]

[Lindy chuckles] Oh!

Kate needs to see this tape.

It proves my icon status.

You take...you take it to...

You take it to Kate, sir.

Yes, let's go. Let's take it to Kate. Off we go.

We are taking it to Kate, aren't we?

[Insects chirp]

[Mysterious music]

Don't worry, it's not blood.

It's afterbirth.

I pushed a baby out right there.

Me 10th, it was,

so the little bugger

practically walked out.

You'll be wanting at least seven if you're staffing a hotel.

12, if they finally put in that railroad.

Ooh, yes, I can see you're scared.

Mothering is hard,

but after a few...

..it just gets harder.

Let's say a little prayer now, shall we?

Holy Father above,

bless Kate and her eejit of a husband

with a pitter-patter of little trotters.

Sow her womb with the seeds of life.

[Armour clanks]

-[Yawns noisily] -[Muttering]

Hey!

-Oh! -Nice PJs.

-No, absolutely not. Out. -Huh?

Kate, your husband took something very important to me

and threw it away.

-We're not married. -Did I ask?

Kate, mirrors don't work for us anymore.

Am I still Chinese? What do I look like?

You're very handsome.

Uh, thank you?

Now, about my novel...

Any other room. My bedroom. Go.

Look, I don't know what Tash's told you about me,

but, uh, my divorce isn't final yet.

-What? -Great! You met Lewis.

Wait, as in a Lewis that you can see too?

He's hooking up the NBN.

[Softly] Oh.

-Hi. Hi, Lewis. -[Sean chuckles]

-Hi. -Hi. I'm so sorry.

I haven't slept very well, so I'm a little bit frazzled.

Yeah, no, it's alright.

Look, you tree-changers are all the same.

You move to the country with dreams of growing your own food

and making your own clothes.

Then you get bored.

Then one night, you drink too much

and one of you say, "Maybe we should open things up."

Ooh. No, no. No.

-Not what I meant. -Nah, I get it.

You all have fantasies about the hot NBN guy.

-Kate, what's happening? -I don't know.

You threw out my tape.

He complimented me on my pyjamas.

-I assumed that he was a... -[Lewis] A man of taste?

Yeah, I am.

Because I'm an interior designer.

-[Kate] Oh. -And I'm a plumber.

And a chippie and a sparky and a landscaper and a roofer.

Which you would know

if you'd asked one single question about me

before trying to get into my tool bag.

[Sean] Uh...

[Lewis] Thank you.

But, no, thank you.

-[Sean] Um... -Wow.

That's what you get for throwing out my tape.

There goes the highest-rated Airtasker within 100km.

Lewis?

What is happening right now? This mirror is crazy.

[Miranda] It's not a mirror, you Luddite.

It's a time machine,

like the time machine from the novel 'The Time Machine'.

Yeah, or 'Back to the Future'.

You can't go back to the future.

Why not?

Maybe if you don't understand the genre,

you shouldn't participate in the conversation, yes?

Mate, you're not smarter than me 'cause you read a book.

-It's called a novel. -Kate.

I understand if you have to ignore me

in front of the general public,

my last boyfriend did the same.

But now the general public is gone,

so I wondered if we could be best friends already.

-Coffee? -Take me back to hospital.

Good plan.

[Lindy] Everyone wants a famous friend, don't they?

-Stop touching the time machine. -[Lindy] Don't you?

-Stop it. Stop. -[Lindy] Kate?

-[Birds tweet] -[Car passes]

[Sean] We'll talk to a doctor.

I'm sure this sort of thing happens all the time.

[Kate] What, people are just suddenly hounded

by needy ghosts?

What if the doctor fixes her brain

and then she can't see us anymore?

Well, then we'll unfix her brain.

-How? -[Gideon stammers]

I'll get Satan to push her over

as many times as necessary.

Aren't you guys excited to, like, meet somebody new?

That girleen isnae gonna be your friend.

She's young and alive.

You're old and dead.

Now, the key will be to run at it at speed.

[Lindy] I may never get to have any female friends

because they're always so jealous of me

because of the way that I...

[Miranda] What are you doing?

I'm going back to the past to tell my past self

not to lose my gold.

But why are you walking backwards?

-Because I go back to the past. -No, you go back to the future.

Argh, Satan! We have been over this.

-Huh? -Just concentrate.

I got two callbacks for 'Young Talent Time'.

I was nominated for Best New Talent at the Logies.

Please calm yourself.

I sang at Carols by Candlelight. [Laughs]

-[Electricity crackles] -Lindy...

-Here I go. -[Gideon] The electricity!

Back to the goldmine. 'Bye, everyone!

[Screeches] I was on the cover of 'TV Week' magazine.

-[Miranda] Careful! -[Electricity crackles]

[Gasps]

Now look what you've done.

Joon could be lost

in the past forever.

I'm sorry.

Joon?

You in the past, mate?

I'm in some kind of teacup/bowl cave.

Yeah, I'm 90% sure he's in the kitchen.

[Paramedics chatter indistinctly]

-[Sean] Hey? -[Kate] Hey.

I'm sure it's just a concussion

or maybe the stress of living with my boyfriend

for the first time

or sudden home ownership.

Um, but I'm seeing people from different time periods

and they want things from me all the time, all day.

Now, there's no need to get hysterical.

Excuse me?

It seems the accident

brought you so close to death

that you gained the ability to see dead people.

Oh! So that's like an actual diagnosable...

-Well, not exactly... -Like a medical condition...

Listen, sweetheart.

Like I told my wife,

you need to calm down and listen while a man is talking.

[Knock at door]

-[Door opens] -[Gasps]

Sorry to keep you.

I'm Dr Green.

Don't worry.

She's good...for a woman.

-[Whoosh!] -So what seems to be a problem?

[Laughs nervously]

In terms of your CT scan, everything looks fine.

-[Pages rustle] -Sorry, are you dead?

-[Satan grunts manfully] -Move, move, move those boxes!

Pivot from the pelvis just like Elvis.

Come on, big boy.

You can do it. Find the tape.

Why do you want this tape so bad?

Because if I wasn't famous, then who am I? [Chuckles]

I just feel like I don't have any friends in the house.

You know, Mum and I were so close.

We shared everything.

Dreams, clothes, men.

What?

With Eileen, there's a generation gap.

I mean, there's like 10 gaps.

And with Miranda, she has... How do I say this?

Stick up her ass.

No, that's mean.

Although, maybe that would be helpful.

She has terrible posture.

You know...

Maybe I'm just not best friend material.

[Downcast music]

[Satan] What are you talking about?

-You're fit. -[Lindy chuckles]

-Pretty hot. -Yeah.

And those are really important best friend qualities.

But I just feel like maybe I wasn't important to anyone.

You know, I wasn't a third commander like Gideon,

or a wife or a mum.

[Satan] Yet.

You weren't a mum yet.

Satan, with the amount of chardonnay I had for breakfast,

I was never going to be a mum.

Ah, drunk people have kids all the time.

Look at Eileen - she's got, like, 30 of them.

I just mean, like, I feel like I don't have a best friend

that I can talk to in the house.

And forever feels like a really long time...

-[Clears throat] -..to not have a best friend.

[Tender music]

Um...

I mean, you can talk to me, Lindy. We're mates.

Satan, everyone knows that men and women can't be friends.

Someone always falls in love eventually.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, eventually.

It's a universal fact.

Like, how women can't drive

and men shouldn't be left alone with children.

Ohhh.

I don't know, that's a bit harsh, don't you think?

Some women can drive.

Yeah, legally. Yeah.

[Lindy chuckles]

[Satan] Yeah.

[Birds tweet]

[Satan] Uh...

-[Phone rings in distance] -[Indistinct chatter]

Oh, hey. How'd you go?

-You cured? -Um...

[Eerie music]

I'm free! [Giggles]

[Laughs maniacally]

-[Whoosh!] -[Ghost groans]

Can we get out of here?

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Let's go.

Hey, what happened?

[Kate grunts]

[Quirky, uneasy music]

[Woman] More pills?

Do you have any pills?

-Where are my pills? -Look out! Stop!

-[Engine revs] -[Ghost cyclist groans]

Ooh.

[Music crescendos]

[Sean sighs wearily]

OK, so...

..dead people everywhere.

Yep, with horrific injuries.

What? Kate, that's awful.

Are they, like...

[Whispers] ..evil?

Well, one of the ones in there

is literally Captain Cook's frenemy, so...

Oh. [Puffs]

Is there any mob?

Like...like, can you see any ancestors?

No, I can't...

-Ohh! -Whoa, what?

-What? -It's the hot Chinese miner.

OK, you didn't mention he was hot.

Yeah, well, he's also pantless.

What?

And he's... Ooh, yep, he's right up in my face.

Can you come fix the time machine?

I just ended up in the kitchen.

Um, can't they just walk through windows?

Yeah, I don't know why I did that.

-[Sean] Hmm. -[Breathes shakily]

Sean, what are we gonna do?

OK, you know what?

We just...we just leave the house, yeah?

And we'll deal with all that horrible loan stuff later.

[Quirky, light-hearted music]

No! This is my house, Sean.

I'm not leaving.

So they have to.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah... Oh, you know what?

Why don't we call your mum

and we can do, like, a smoking ceremony,

like she did for Uncle Tony last year,

and she can just smoke out the bad spirits

and now that I'm looking at you, maybe not.

-No. -No.

I don't want to get Mum involved, Sean.

Also, I'm not from here, so it's really not our place.

Valuable teaching moment.

But they don't know that.

[Music brightens]

OK, I am giving you one hour to vacate the premises

or I'm smoking you out, mob rules.

[Ghosts laugh]

Why are you laughing?

Girleen, that isnae how it works.

Mother said ladies who smoke in public are strumpets.

Are you kidding?

Smoking looks cool, it burns calories,

it helps you breathe shorter.

It's like the only thing in life without a downside.

I'm not smoking ciggies. I'm gonna smoke you out of here.

I wish you would stop talking about smoking.

[Sean grunts and groans]

-Huh! -That was awesome.

If it was that easy, I would have been sucked off

after the fire of 1895.

Wait, sucked...sucked off?

Did the pantless ghost say that?

It's the process of ascending from this mortal realm

to whatever lies above.

-Or below. -[Eileen] Eejit.

That's going down.

Going down?

-Was this place a brothel? -No.

-Aye, for a short time, it was. -Yes.

I am so in the dark.

Bit of ghost logic, Kate - you stay where you die.

And how you die.

Oh, yes, I can see that.

It was a misunderstanding.

Hang on, so you are all stuck here.

Do you think I would cohabitate with these people otherwise?

[Gideon] 'Stuck' is a negative term.

I'm honoured to stand guard over my land.

Always was, always will be.

That's why you'll always be a human kebab.

-Oh, I'd murder a kebab. -[Switch clicks]

Sorry. [Giggles nervously]

The electricity fritzes

whenever I get upset or excited or horny.

-That still happens? -Yeah, I still get stiffies.

Yeah, everyone's seen it. You want to take a look?

Speak for yourselves.

My curtains are practically canvas.

They repel all water.

What, like Driza-Bone?

[Feebly] Aye, as a bone.

Dry as a bone.

[Sean] What's happening?

-Is it working? -Yeah.

[Lindy] Fixing the fuse box is a little tricky.

The key is actually just remembering the order,

which is easy because I've made it a dance.

OK, so it's yellow knob, red knob,

wiggle, wiggle, boom, boom,

turn around, underground,

lights abound.

Oh, that's nonsense. [Screams]

[Ghosts scream]

Ohhh! What was that?

-Oh, they're just convicts. -Uh, spiders.

Spi...

For some reason, they prefer it down here.

Don't ask.

Why not?

Um, oh, because I don't know.

Sorry, I thought that was obvious.

Well, the dark reminds us of the ship.

-Such a magical time. [Laughs] -Yeah.

I thought the conditions were awful.

[Convict] You've been talking to Gideon.

He was Third Fleet.

He would say that.

[Convicts] Fake news!

First Fleet rules!

Third Fleet drools!

First Fleet rules!

Third Fleet drools!

Kate, hurry up, hurry up.

The spiders are sensing my fear.

-[Convict] Fake news! -OK, so follow me.

So you wanna go yellow knob, red knob.

OK.

-Yellow knob. -[Both] Red knob.

And then wiggle, wiggle.

Is that necessary?

Well, your uncle once sat in the dark for a month

because he didn't wiggle.

OK, um...

-Wiggle. -[Sean snorts]

-[Circuits whirr] -Then boom, boom.

[Convicts and Kate] Boom, boom.

Turn around.

-[Convicts] Turn around. -That one.

-Turn. -Yes.

[Knob clicks]

Underground.

-[Convicts] Underground. -That's it.

-[Kate] Underground. -And there you have it.

-[Electricity fizzes] -[Convicts] Lights abound!

[Convicts gibber painfully]

[Convict] That's enough. Oh!

-Turn it off! -Turn it off!

-[Laughs] -How'd you do that?

It's Lindy, right?

Yes.

Um... [Chuckles awkwardly]

But you can just call me,

"This is my new best friend, Lindy."

-[Whoosh!] -[Lindy groans]

-[Lindy grunts] -[Convicts] Oh.

-[Groans painfully] -Are you alright?

Mm! Yes. Goo...

I just...I feel so happy that I could die...

[Grunts and inhales] ..again.

-He wasn't going fast enough. -That's what I said.

That's why he ended up

in the kitchen, not the past.

-You don't listen to me. -88mph.

[Kate] Alright.

Who wants to watch

a bit of 'Wake Up, Australia'?

-Where's your telly? -What do you think that is?

Well, it's certainly not a time machine.

I told you that. Time machines look like cars.

[Miranda] Oh, you...

-[Satan] Sit down. -[Kate sighs]

OK.

[Video] Welcome to Pump and Dump, mummies.

Just because you're stuck in the house...

-It's my tape. -[Kate laughs]

Oh, my God, it's actually you. [Laughs]

Whoa. You look great.

You're welcome.

[Video] Grab anything heavy.

Your man's tinnies will do just fine.

Ooh! Oh, I know her.

My mum had all her videos.

I used to watch them all the time

when my parents went to bed,

and oh, my God,

she's in the room, isn't she?

[Pop music plays on video]

[Miranda sighs] There you go, Lindy.

You were famous... to self-polluting young men.

I know, and it's all I ever wanted.

-[Miranda] Ugh! -Until now.

Now I want friendship as well.

Hey, babe, can you...can you tell her I was joking?

I was joking. I was joking, obviously.

-It's so fine. -Oh, don't worry.

You just made her afterlife.

We both did.

[Video] And pass it to your husband.

Get that beer out of the esky. Yes!

And pass it to your bloke. OK.

And remember, if you're hungry... No, you're not.

[Lindy giggles on video]

I actually thought it would get her sucked off,

but no.

I will need an explanation for that at some point.

We'll do it later.

[Video] We're marching

like we're in the army.

[Laughs] Just kidding.

We're girls. We can't join.

Pick up your knees, Sheree.

I saw you have that cheesecake at lunch. [Laughs]

[Sheep bleat on video]

[Sean] Oh.

Um, what hap...what happened?

[Sean] Oh.

[Sheep bleat]

Uncle Alfred taped over you. Sorry.

No, please.

[Satan] That's all good, Linds.

We'll watch a family movie instead, yeah?

-Something like 'Scarface'. -Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I want to see what happens.

My goodness!

That looks exactly like Daddy's prize Merino.

Prince Woolliam Bunty McDanglerum.

No, no, no. Change it.

Is there anything on colonisation?

What's that say? Colonoscopy.

Oh, that'll be right up your alley.

This is nice, isn't it?

[Sheep bleat on video]

[Animals hoot and chitter]

[Sean] Mm-mm!

-What? -Sorry.

[Sighs] Stage fright.

No, they're not here. We're alone.

Promise?

[Bed squeaks]

[Kate] Yeah. Promise.

[Sean laughs]

[Kate] Hmm.

-[Electricity crackles] -[Kate] Mm!

Hey, it's OK.

I want to know all about your first pash.

-Mine was with my cousin Leslie. -That's gross.

Can you please get out?

No, it wasn't as bad as you think.

We'd known each other our whole lives.

-So... -Out.

At least my flatmates had boundaries.

I have boundaries.

I just want to know how flexible Kate is.

-Out. -Kate, I can't go.

It's our first sleepover.

-'Sleepover Club'. -[Groans]

[Hums theme song]

# Sleepover Club. #

[Bright music]