All language subtitles for Ghosts.Australia.S01E02.2160p.WEB.h265-EDITH_Legendas01.ENG

[Heavy breathing]

[Sean]
Did I say something wrong?

Kate?

-Hey, where are you going?
-[Door opens]

-[Door squeaks]
-[Kate breathes heavily]

-[Door closes]
-[Kate pants] OK.

-[Tap squeaks]
-[Water runs]

[Sean] Kate!

What's going on?

Nothing! Just need a minute.

[Whoosh!]

Kate, it's me,

Lindy Darwin-Paul
from 'Wake Up, Australia!'

in the flesh.

-[Giggles]
-No, no, no. No.

Well, not in the flesh, exactly.

But, hey, no,
you'll remember this, OK?

Um, hello, exercise.
Bye-bye, thunder thighs.

Remember? Oh, babe, no,
you can't walk through stuff.

-That's a dead-person thing.
-[Door closes]

[Theme music]

[Electricity crackles]

Good news is she can see us.

Bad news is
she didn't recognise me.

How is that bad news?

-How is that news?
-[Gideon] Splendid.

Now we shall simply parley
with this woman

on who lives where.

-As in, we stay and she goes.
-Where?

[Miranda] To one of
her other properties.

As an heiress,
she'll have several.

Guys, why are we so obsessed
with making her leave?

Now we can finally find out

all the important stuff
that's happened since we died.

Like, did Freddie Mercury ever
settle down with a nice girl

and is Princess Diana the queen
we all knew she would be?

Are Kylie and Jason
still together?

Oh, my God, did the Cold War
ever get hot?

Was Y2K a thing?

Did literally everybody

do the locomotion

or just some people?

Yeah.

Be a shame to boot her out now,
boss.

Says the heartless brute
who kicked her into a coma.

Under the instruction of
a complete mutton head.

Guys, I'm happy to be

our official
ghost-to-breather liaison.

What gave you the authority?
You're not in the clergy.

-Or an admiral.
-Or the emperor of Australia.

OK, learning moment.

Um, guys, people these days
respect celebrities.

What's a celebrity?

Someone who's been on telly.

-Or the internet.
-What's a telly?

-What's the internet?
-What's someone who's been on?

Ghosts?

-Like...like, actual ghosts?
-Yep.

Let's go lie down in your bed
at the hospital.

I'm sure it's just the drugs
coming out of my system,

or, like, concussion,

but they say
it's best to stay awake, so...

Oh, hey! Don't worry.
I totally forgive you.

I mean, it must be super weird
seeing a ghost.

-[Sean] Uh...
-Especially a famous one.

You're intimidated, right?

I was intimidated
when I met Rolf Harris,

but then he was like,
"Wobble, wobble,"

and I was like,
"Wow! He's harmless."

[Laughs weakly]
This is a nightmare.

We need to be ruthless.

So red is chuck
and green is keep.

Do you mind just starting
over there?

I can imagine it brings up
all kinds of feelings.

You know, fear,
gratitude, arousal.

[Sean] Hey, Kate,
you sure you're all good?

Stop worrying.

I just need you to help me
with this.

Let's focus on the task at hand.

Hey, Kate, I lost a gold nugget
somewhere in the house.

So, small favour, could you
pull up all the floorboards?

This is Joon. He's a miner.

Oh, the digging kind,
not like a ghost kid.

That would be sad,
but not as sad

as, like, a kid down the mines.

Thank God those child labour
days are over, right?

Hey, where do they make
clothes now?

Kate, are you OK?

'Cause this can wait, you know?

No, I'm totes fine.

We just need to not
get distracted by anyone.

As in, by you?

Yes, yes, because there's no-one
else here, obviously.

Well, I'm here and Joon's here

and we're all gonna be
best friends.

Hey, should we make
a blood pact?

Best friends forever!

[Quirky music]

[Sighs]

Oooh, good. A corpse bride.

I beg your pardon.

My name is Miranda Persephone
Bathsheba Munchen,

but I will also respond
to 'Miranda'.

You are not real.
I'm hallucinating.

[Miranda] Oh, yes.

One of my old servants
used to talk to herself.

Idiocy, they called it.

Actually, she had your hair.

It's just internalised racism.

[Miranda] I'm a writer, you see.

I'm like Miles Franklin,

except without
all that tiresome feminism.

Internalised misogyny. Hm!

And you will have the honour
of scribing my debut novel.

Very exciting.

I'll dictate and you type, yes?

You are literate, aren't you?

-[Satan] Oi!
-Whoa!

Hey, no. Hey, come back.
Listen, listen.

I just want to talk to you,
alright?

-Sean!
-Hey, he can't hear ya.

Me and the boys soundproofed
the place back in the '90s.

Just so the neighbours
couldn't hear the screaming.

From the game nights.

Karaoke, 'Yahtzee'.

-Murder mystery parties.
-Oh.

And the murders.

Hey, listen, listen, alright?

I don't need an apology
or nothing,

but you overreacting
and going to the hospital,

that was a bit much.

Get out of the way!

I'm trying to tell ya
I'm not gonna hurt ya.

I'm barely even here.

I'm made up of, like,
dead air and that.

You could walk
straight through me

and you wouldn't even feel it.

Ohhh!

I walked straight into that one.

[Sighs]

Alright, we're even now, yeah?

-[Whoosh!]
-Now, you.

It's Kate.

-Katherine?
-Kate.

Katherine, you must understand
that we mean you no harm.

We simply wanted you to leave
and never come back.

Now, as leader...

And who are you supposed to be?
Captain Cooked?

Cook? James Cook?

The only thing he cooked
was his resume.

The man couldn't navigate
his way out of a puddle.

Now, in regards to that
little bump on your head,

as leader of the ghosts,

it is my responsibility
to ensure

that Satan takes
full responsibility.

[Scoffs] Satan?

The Prince of Darkness?

No, my leather-bound first mate
with the underbite

and the skin of a pirate.

Although his real name is Brian,

but I don't believe in
changing names willy-nilly,

not in my New Holland.

-[Quirky music]
-You...

Dismissed!

Am I, like, too tough?

-OK...
-I'm too tough, eh?

..so she didn't recognise me.

That's fine.

I mean, she's only
one woman, unemployed,

on the verge of
a mental breakdown,

just my exact target market.

I mean, I could tell
from her elbows

that she hadn't done
my workouts,

but, like,
what about my cookbook?

And my Christmas cookbook?

And my after-Christmas-diet
cookbook?

Linds, mate, she wasn't even
born when you kicked the bucket.

[Lindy] Dying really derailed
my career, huh?

But at least I reached
my goal weight of zero kilos.

[Quirky music]

Wait, that's the tape
of my show.

[Satan] Tape?

[Blows raspberry]
Who tapes brekkie TV?

Um, 2 million people tuned in
to 'Wake Up, Australia!'

every morning,

many because of my segments

like 'Smoke Your Way to Skinny'.

We helped so many new mums.

Oh, I'd murder a dart.

[Tapes crash]

[Lindy chuckles] Oh!

Kate needs to see this tape.

It proves my icon status.

You take...you take it to...

You take it to Kate, sir.

Yes, let's go. Let's take it
to Kate. Off we go.

We are taking it to Kate,
aren't we?

[Insects chirp]

[Mysterious music]

Don't worry, it's not blood.

It's afterbirth.

I pushed a baby out right there.

Me 10th, it was,

so the little bugger

practically walked out.

You'll be wanting at least seven
if you're staffing a hotel.

12, if they finally put in
that railroad.

Ooh, yes,
I can see you're scared.

Mothering is hard,

but after a few...

..it just gets harder.

Let's say a little prayer now,
shall we?

Holy Father above,

bless Kate
and her eejit of a husband

with a pitter-patter
of little trotters.

Sow her womb
with the seeds of life.

[Armour clanks]

-[Yawns noisily]
-[Muttering]

Hey!

-Oh!
-Nice PJs.

-No, absolutely not. Out.
-Huh?

Kate, your husband took
something very important to me

and threw it away.

-We're not married.
-Did I ask?

Kate, mirrors don't work for us
anymore.

Am I still Chinese?
What do I look like?

You're very handsome.

Uh, thank you?

Now, about my novel...

Any other room. My bedroom. Go.

Look, I don't know
what Tash's told you about me,

but, uh, my divorce
isn't final yet.

-What?
-Great! You met Lewis.

Wait, as in a Lewis
that you can see too?

He's hooking up the NBN.

[Softly] Oh.

-Hi. Hi, Lewis.
-[Sean chuckles]

-Hi.
-Hi. I'm so sorry.

I haven't slept very well,
so I'm a little bit frazzled.

Yeah, no, it's alright.

Look, you tree-changers
are all the same.

You move to the country with
dreams of growing your own food

and making your own clothes.

Then you get bored.

Then one night,
you drink too much

and one of you say, "Maybe
we should open things up."

Ooh. No, no. No.

-Not what I meant.
-Nah, I get it.

You all have fantasies
about the hot NBN guy.

-Kate, what's happening?
-I don't know.

You threw out my tape.

He complimented me
on my pyjamas.

-I assumed that he was a...
-[Lewis] A man of taste?

Yeah, I am.

Because I'm
an interior designer.

-[Kate] Oh.
-And I'm a plumber.

And a chippie and a sparky
and a landscaper and a roofer.

Which you would know

if you'd asked
one single question about me

before trying to get into
my tool bag.

[Sean] Uh...

[Lewis] Thank you.

But, no, thank you.

-[Sean] Um...
-Wow.

That's what you get
for throwing out my tape.

There goes the highest-rated
Airtasker within 100km.

Lewis?

What is happening right now?
This mirror is crazy.

[Miranda] It's not a mirror,
you Luddite.

It's a time machine,

like the time machine from
the novel 'The Time Machine'.

Yeah, or 'Back to the Future'.

You can't go back to the future.

Why not?

Maybe if you don't understand
the genre,

you shouldn't participate
in the conversation, yes?

Mate, you're not smarter than me
'cause you read a book.

-It's called a novel.
-Kate.

I understand
if you have to ignore me

in front of the general public,

my last boyfriend did the same.

But now the general public
is gone,

so I wondered if we could be
best friends already.

-Coffee?
-Take me back to hospital.

Good plan.

[Lindy] Everyone wants
a famous friend, don't they?

-Stop touching the time machine.
-[Lindy] Don't you?

-Stop it. Stop.
-[Lindy] Kate?

-[Birds tweet]
-[Car passes]

[Sean] We'll talk to a doctor.

I'm sure this sort of thing
happens all the time.

[Kate] What, people
are just suddenly hounded

by needy ghosts?

What if the doctor
fixes her brain

and then she can't
see us anymore?

Well, then we'll unfix
her brain.

-How?
-[Gideon stammers]

I'll get Satan to push her over

as many times as necessary.

Aren't you guys excited to,
like, meet somebody new?

That girleen isnae gonna be
your friend.

She's young and alive.

You're old and dead.

Now, the key will be
to run at it at speed.

[Lindy] I may never get to have
any female friends

because they're always
so jealous of me

because of the way that I...

[Miranda] What are you doing?

I'm going back to the past
to tell my past self

not to lose my gold.

But why are you
walking backwards?

-Because I go back to the past.
-No, you go back to the future.

Argh, Satan!
We have been over this.

-Huh?
-Just concentrate.

I got two callbacks
for 'Young Talent Time'.

I was nominated for
Best New Talent at the Logies.

Please calm yourself.

I sang at Carols by Candlelight.
[Laughs]

-[Electricity crackles]
-Lindy...

-Here I go.
-[Gideon] The electricity!

Back to the goldmine.
'Bye, everyone!

[Screeches] I was on the cover
of 'TV Week' magazine.

-[Miranda] Careful!
-[Electricity crackles]

[Gasps]

Now look what you've done.

Joon could be lost

in the past forever.

I'm sorry.

Joon?

You in the past, mate?

I'm in some kind of
teacup/bowl cave.

Yeah, I'm 90% sure
he's in the kitchen.

[Paramedics
chatter indistinctly]

-[Sean] Hey?
-[Kate] Hey.

I'm sure it's just a concussion

or maybe the stress
of living with my boyfriend

for the first time

or sudden home ownership.

Um, but I'm seeing people
from different time periods

and they want things from me
all the time, all day.

Now, there's no need
to get hysterical.

Excuse me?

It seems the accident

brought you so close to death

that you gained the ability
to see dead people.

Oh! So that's like
an actual diagnosable...

-Well, not exactly...
-Like a medical condition...

Listen, sweetheart.

Like I told my wife,

you need to calm down and listen
while a man is talking.

[Knock at door]

-[Door opens]
-[Gasps]

Sorry to keep you.

I'm Dr Green.

Don't worry.

She's good...for a woman.

-[Whoosh!]
-So what seems to be a problem?

[Laughs nervously]

In terms of your CT scan,
everything looks fine.

-[Pages rustle]
-Sorry, are you dead?

-[Satan grunts manfully]
-Move, move, move those boxes!

Pivot from the pelvis
just like Elvis.

Come on, big boy.

You can do it. Find the tape.

Why do you want this tape
so bad?

Because if I wasn't famous,
then who am I? [Chuckles]

I just feel like I don't have
any friends in the house.

You know, Mum and I
were so close.

We shared everything.

Dreams, clothes, men.

What?

With Eileen,
there's a generation gap.

I mean, there's like 10 gaps.

And with Miranda, she has...
How do I say this?

Stick up her ass.

No, that's mean.

Although, maybe
that would be helpful.

She has terrible posture.

You know...

Maybe I'm just not
best friend material.

[Downcast music]

[Satan]
What are you talking about?

-You're fit.
-[Lindy chuckles]

-Pretty hot.
-Yeah.

And those are really important
best friend qualities.

But I just feel like maybe
I wasn't important to anyone.

You know, I wasn't
a third commander like Gideon,

or a wife or a mum.

[Satan] Yet.

You weren't a mum yet.

Satan, with the amount of
chardonnay I had for breakfast,

I was never going to be a mum.

Ah, drunk people have kids
all the time.

Look at Eileen -
she's got, like, 30 of them.

I just mean, like, I feel like
I don't have a best friend

that I can talk to in the house.

And forever feels like
a really long time...

-[Clears throat]
-..to not have a best friend.

[Tender music]

Um...

I mean, you can talk to me,
Lindy. We're mates.

Satan, everyone knows that men
and women can't be friends.

Someone always falls in love
eventually.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, eventually.

It's a universal fact.

Like, how women can't drive

and men shouldn't be left alone
with children.

Ohhh.

I don't know, that's
a bit harsh, don't you think?

Some women can drive.

Yeah, legally. Yeah.

[Lindy chuckles]

[Satan] Yeah.

[Birds tweet]

[Satan] Uh...

-[Phone rings in distance]
-[Indistinct chatter]

Oh, hey. How'd you go?

-You cured?
-Um...

[Eerie music]

I'm free! [Giggles]

[Laughs maniacally]

-[Whoosh!]
-[Ghost groans]

Can we get out of here?

Yeah, yeah, come on.

Let's go.

Hey, what happened?

[Kate grunts]

[Quirky, uneasy music]

[Woman] More pills?

Do you have any pills?

-Where are my pills?
-Look out! Stop!

-[Engine revs]
-[Ghost cyclist groans]

Ooh.

[Music crescendos]

[Sean sighs wearily]

OK, so...

..dead people everywhere.

Yep, with horrific injuries.

What? Kate, that's awful.

Are they, like...

[Whispers] ..evil?

Well, one of the ones in there

is literally Captain Cook's
frenemy, so...

Oh. [Puffs]

Is there any mob?

Like...like, can you see
any ancestors?

No, I can't...

-Ohh!
-Whoa, what?

-What?
-It's the hot Chinese miner.

OK, you didn't mention
he was hot.

Yeah, well,
he's also pantless.

What?

And he's... Ooh, yep,
he's right up in my face.

Can you come fix
the time machine?

I just ended up in the kitchen.

Um, can't they just walk through
windows?

Yeah, I don't know
why I did that.

-[Sean] Hmm.
-[Breathes shakily]

Sean, what are we gonna do?

OK, you know what?

We just...we just leave
the house, yeah?

And we'll deal with all that
horrible loan stuff later.

[Quirky, light-hearted music]

No! This is my house, Sean.

I'm not leaving.

So they have to.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah... Oh, you know what?

Why don't we call your mum

and we can do, like,
a smoking ceremony,

like she did for Uncle Tony
last year,

and she can just smoke out
the bad spirits

and now that I'm looking at you,
maybe not.

-No.
-No.

I don't want to get Mum
involved, Sean.

Also, I'm not from here,
so it's really not our place.

Valuable teaching moment.

But they don't know that.

[Music brightens]

OK, I am giving you one hour
to vacate the premises

or I'm smoking you out,
mob rules.

[Ghosts laugh]

Why are you laughing?

Girleen,
that isnae how it works.

Mother said ladies who smoke
in public are strumpets.

Are you kidding?

Smoking looks cool,
it burns calories,

it helps you breathe shorter.

It's like the only thing in life
without a downside.

I'm not smoking ciggies.
I'm gonna smoke you out of here.

I wish you would stop talking
about smoking.

[Sean grunts and groans]

-Huh!
-That was awesome.

If it was that easy,
I would have been sucked off

after the fire of 1895.

Wait, sucked...sucked off?

Did the pantless ghost say that?

It's the process of ascending
from this mortal realm

to whatever lies above.

-Or below.
-[Eileen] Eejit.

That's going down.

Going down?

-Was this place a brothel?
-No.

-Aye, for a short time, it was.
-Yes.

I am so in the dark.

Bit of ghost logic, Kate -
you stay where you die.

And how you die.

Oh, yes, I can see that.

It was a misunderstanding.

Hang on,
so you are all stuck here.

Do you think I would cohabitate
with these people otherwise?

[Gideon] 'Stuck'
is a negative term.

I'm honoured to stand guard
over my land.

Always was, always will be.

That's why you'll always be
a human kebab.

-Oh, I'd murder a kebab.
-[Switch clicks]

Sorry. [Giggles nervously]

The electricity fritzes

whenever I get upset
or excited or horny.

-That still happens?
-Yeah, I still get stiffies.

Yeah, everyone's seen it.
You want to take a look?

Speak for yourselves.

My curtains
are practically canvas.

They repel all water.

What, like Driza-Bone?

[Feebly] Aye, as a bone.

Dry as a bone.

[Sean] What's happening?

-Is it working?
-Yeah.

[Lindy] Fixing the fuse box
is a little tricky.

The key is actually
just remembering the order,

which is easy
because I've made it a dance.

OK, so it's yellow knob,
red knob,

wiggle, wiggle, boom, boom,

turn around, underground,

lights abound.

Oh, that's nonsense. [Screams]

[Ghosts scream]

Ohhh! What was that?

-Oh, they're just convicts.
-Uh, spiders.

Spi...

For some reason,
they prefer it down here.

Don't ask.

Why not?

Um, oh, because I don't know.

Sorry, I thought
that was obvious.

Well, the dark reminds us
of the ship.

-Such a magical time. [Laughs]
-Yeah.

I thought the conditions
were awful.

[Convict]
You've been talking to Gideon.

He was Third Fleet.

He would say that.

[Convicts] Fake news!

First Fleet rules!

Third Fleet drools!

First Fleet rules!

Third Fleet drools!

Kate, hurry up, hurry up.

The spiders are sensing my fear.

-[Convict] Fake news!
-OK, so follow me.

So you wanna go
yellow knob, red knob.

OK.

-Yellow knob.
-[Both] Red knob.

And then wiggle, wiggle.

Is that necessary?

Well, your uncle once sat
in the dark for a month

because he didn't wiggle.

OK, um...

-Wiggle.
-[Sean snorts]

-[Circuits whirr]
-Then boom, boom.

[Convicts and Kate] Boom, boom.

Turn around.

-[Convicts] Turn around.
-That one.

-Turn.
-Yes.

[Knob clicks]

Underground.

-[Convicts] Underground.
-That's it.

-[Kate] Underground.
-And there you have it.

-[Electricity fizzes]
-[Convicts] Lights abound!

[Convicts gibber painfully]

[Convict] That's enough. Oh!

-Turn it off!
-Turn it off!

-[Laughs]
-How'd you do that?

It's Lindy, right?

Yes.

Um... [Chuckles awkwardly]

But you can just call me,

"This is my new best friend,
Lindy."

-[Whoosh!]
-[Lindy groans]

-[Lindy grunts]
-[Convicts] Oh.

-[Groans painfully]
-Are you alright?

Mm! Yes. Goo...

I just...I feel so happy
that I could die...

[Grunts and inhales] ..again.

-He wasn't going fast enough.
-That's what I said.

That's why he ended up

in the kitchen, not the past.

-You don't listen to me.
-88mph.

[Kate] Alright.

Who wants to watch

a bit of 'Wake Up, Australia'?

-Where's your telly?
-What do you think that is?

Well, it's certainly not
a time machine.

I told you that.
Time machines look like cars.

[Miranda] Oh, you...

-[Satan] Sit down.
-[Kate sighs]

OK.

[Video] Welcome to
Pump and Dump, mummies.

Just because
you're stuck in the house...

-It's my tape.
-[Kate laughs]

Oh, my God, it's actually you.
[Laughs]

Whoa. You look great.

You're welcome.

[Video] Grab anything heavy.

Your man's tinnies
will do just fine.

Ooh! Oh, I know her.

My mum had all her videos.

I used to watch them
all the time

when my parents went to bed,

and oh, my God,

she's in the room, isn't she?

[Pop music plays on video]

[Miranda sighs]
There you go, Lindy.

You were famous...
to self-polluting young men.

I know, and it's all
I ever wanted.

-[Miranda] Ugh!
-Until now.

Now I want friendship as well.

Hey, babe, can you...can you
tell her I was joking?

I was joking.
I was joking, obviously.

-It's so fine.
-Oh, don't worry.

You just made her afterlife.

We both did.

[Video]
And pass it to your husband.

Get that beer out of the esky.
Yes!

And pass it to your bloke. OK.

And remember, if you're
hungry... No, you're not.

[Lindy giggles on video]

I actually thought
it would get her sucked off,

but no.

I will need an explanation
for that at some point.

We'll do it later.

[Video] We're marching

like we're in the army.

[Laughs] Just kidding.

We're girls. We can't join.

Pick up your knees, Sheree.

I saw you have that cheesecake
at lunch. [Laughs]

[Sheep bleat on video]

[Sean] Oh.

Um, what hap...what happened?

[Sean] Oh.

[Sheep bleat]

Uncle Alfred taped over you.
Sorry.

No, please.

[Satan] That's all good, Linds.

We'll watch a family movie
instead, yeah?

-Something like 'Scarface'.
-Wait, wait, wait, wait.

I want to see what happens.

My goodness!

That looks exactly like
Daddy's prize Merino.

Prince Woolliam
Bunty McDanglerum.

No, no, no. Change it.

Is there anything
on colonisation?

What's that say? Colonoscopy.

Oh, that'll be
right up your alley.

This is nice, isn't it?

[Sheep bleat on video]

[Animals hoot and chitter]

[Sean] Mm-mm!

-What?
-Sorry.

[Sighs] Stage fright.

No, they're not here.
We're alone.

Promise?

[Bed squeaks]

[Kate] Yeah. Promise.

[Sean laughs]

[Kate] Hmm.

-[Electricity crackles]
-[Kate] Mm!

Hey, it's OK.

I want to know
all about your first pash.

-Mine was with my cousin Leslie.
-That's gross.

Can you please get out?

No, it wasn't as bad
as you think.

We'd known each other
our whole lives.

-So...
-Out.

At least my flatmates
had boundaries.

I have boundaries.

I just want to know
how flexible Kate is.

-Out.
-Kate, I can't go.

It's our first sleepover.

-'Sleepover Club'.
-[Groans]

[Hums theme song]

# Sleepover Club. #

[Bright music]