Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

1 Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

IT'S...

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

WITHOUT MORE ADO

THE FIRST ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT ARCHITECTS

CALLED "THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH."

THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!

THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!

THE ARCHITECTS SKETCH!

UP THERE!

UP THERE!

UP THERE!

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS

FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS

FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS...

SHUT UP!

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS...

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE TWO BASIC SUGGESTIONS

FOR THE DESIGN OF THIS ARCHITECTURAL BLOCK

THE RESIDENTIAL BLOCK.

AND I THOUGHT IT BEST THAT THE ARCHITECTS THEMSELVES

CAME IN TO EXPLAIN THE ADVANTAGES OF BOTH DESIGNS.

THAT MUST BE THE FIRST ARCHITECT NOW.

AH, YES, IT'S MR. WIGGIN OF IRONSIDE AND MALONE.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

THIS IS A 12-STORY BLOCK

COMBINING CLASSICAL NEO-GEORGIAN FEATURES

WITH ALL THE ADVANTAGES OF MODERN DESIGN.

THE TENANTS ARRIVE IN THE ENTRANCE HALL HERE

ARE CARRIED ALONG THE CORRIDOR ON A CONVEYOR BELT

IN EXTREME COMFORT, AND PAST MURALS

DEPICTING MEDITERRANEAN SCENES

TOWARDS THE ROTATING KNIVES.

THE LAST 20 FEET OF THE CORRIDOR ARE HEAVILY SOUNDPROOFED.

THE BLOOD POURS DOWN THESE CHUTES

AND THE MANGLED FLESH SLURPS INTO THESE...

EXCUSE ME.

HMM?

DID YOU SAY KNIVES?

ROTATING KNIVES, YES.

ARE YOU PROPOSING TO SLAUGHTER OUR TENANTS?

DOES THAT NOT FIT IN WITH YOUR PLANS?

NO, WE WANTED A SIMPLE BLOCK OF FLATS.

AH! I SEE.

I HADN'T CORRECTLY DIVINED YOUR ATTITUDE TOWARDS YOUR TENANTS.

SEE, I MAINLY DESIGN SLAUGHTERHOUSES, YES, PITY.

MIND YOU, THIS IS A REAL BEAUT.

I MEAN, NONE OF YOUR BLOOD CAKED ON THE WALLS

AND FLESH FLYING OUT OF THE WINDOWS

INCONVENIENCING PASSERSBY WITH THIS ONE.

I MEAN, MY LIFE HAS BEEN BUILDING UP TO THIS.

YES, AND WELL DONE.

BUT WE DID WANT A BLOCK OF FLATS.

WELL, MAY I ASK YOU TO RECONSIDER?

I MEAN, YOU WOULDN'T REGRET IT.

THINK OF THE TOURIST TRADE.

NO, IT'S JUST THAT WE WANTED A BLOCK OF FLATS

AND NOT AN ABATTOIR.

YES, WELL, OF COURSE, THAT'S JUST THE SORT

OF BLINKERED PHILISTINE PIG IGNORANCE

I'VE COME TO EXPECT FROM YOU NON-CREATIVE GARBAGE.

YOU SIT THERE ON YOUR LOATHSOME, SPOTTY BEHINDS

SQUEEZING BLACKHEADS

NOT CARING A TINKER'S CUSS ABOUT THE STRUGGLING ARTIST.

YOU EXCREMENT!

YOU LOUSY, HYPOCRITICAL, WHINING TOADIES

WITH YOUR LOUSY COLOR TV SETS AND YOUR TONY JACKLIN GOLF CLUBS

AND YOUR BLEEDING MASONIC HANDSHAKES.

YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN, WOULD YOU

YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS!

WELL, I WOULDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW

IF YOU WENT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY, STINKING, PURULENT KNEES

AND BEGGED ME!

WELL, WE'RE SORRY YOU FEEL LIKE THAT

BUT WE DID WANT A BLOCK OF FLATS...

NICE THOUGH THE ABATTOIR IS.

OH... THE ABATTOIR.

THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

BUT IF ONE OF YOU COULD PUT IN A WORD FOR ME

I'D LOVE TO BE A FREEMASON.

FREEMASONRY OPENS DOORS.

I MEAN, I WAS...

I WAS A BIT ON EDGE JUST NOW

BUT IF I WAS A MASON

I'D JUST SIT AT THE BACK AND NOT GET IN ANYONE'S WAY.

THANK YOU.

I'VE GOT A SECONDHAND APRON.

THANK YOU.

I NEARLY GOT IN AT HENDON.

THANK YOU.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, GENTLEMEN.

THE SECOND ARCHITECT IS

A MR. LEAVEY OF WYMIS AND DIBBLE.

GOOD MORNING, GENTLEMEN.

THIS IS A SCALE MODEL OF THE BLOCK.

THERE ARE 28 STORIES WITH 280 MODERN APARTMENTS.

THERE ARE THREE MAIN LIFTS AND TWO SERVICE LIFTS.

ACCESS WOULD BE FROM DIBBINGLEY ROAD.

THE STRUCTURE IS BUILT ON A CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM

WITH CANTILEVERED FLOORS

IN PRE-STRESSED STEEL AND CONCRETE.

THE DIVIDING WALLS ON EACH FLOOR SECTION ARE FIXED

WITH RECESSED MAGNALLIUM FLANGED GR...

BY AVOIDING WOOD AND TIMBER DERIVATIVES

AND ALL OTHER INFLAMMABLES

WE'VE ALMOST TOTALLY REMOVED THE RISK OF...

QUITE FRANKLY, I THINK THE CENTRAL PILLAR SYSTEM

MAY NEED STRENGTHENING A BIT.

ISN'T THAT GOING TO PUT THE COST UP?

IT MIGHT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER I'D WORRY

ABOUT STRENGTHENING THAT MUCH.

AFTER ALL, THEY'RE NOT MEANT TO BE LUXURY FLATS.

NO, I QUITE AGREE.

I MEAN, PROVIDED THE TENANTS ARE OF LIGHT BUILD

AND RELATIVELY SEDENTARY

AND GIVEN A SPOT OF GOOD WEATHER

I THINK WE'RE ONTO A WINNER HERE.

OH, THANK YOU.

QUITE AGREE, QUITE AGREE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.

IT OPENS DOORS, I'M TELLING YOU.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THAT HANDSHAKE AGAIN

IN SLOWMOTION.

WHAT OTHER WAYS ARE THERE OF RECOGNIZING A MASON?

HAVING ONCE IDENTIFIED A MASON, IMMEDIATE STEPS MUST BE TAKEN

TO ISOLATE HIM FROM THE GENERAL PUBLIC.

HAVING ACCOMPLISHED THAT

IT IS NOW POSSIBLE TO CURE HIM

OF THESE UNFORTUNATE MASONIC TENDENCIES

THROUGH THE USE OF BEHAVIORAL PSYCHOTHERAPY.

IN THIS TREATMENT

THE PATIENT IS REWARDED FOR THE CORRECT RESPONSE

AND PUNISHED FOR THE WRONG ONE.

LET US BEGIN.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GIVE UP BEING A MASON?

THINK CAREFULLY.

THINK.

THINK.

NO.

NO?!

THAT'S WRONG!

WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! WRONG!

NO! NO!

BAD! BAD DOG! BAD!

THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE FOLLOWING ANNOUNCEMENT.

OH!

AND THE NEXT ITEM IS A SKETCH ABOUT INSURANCE

CALLED "INSURANCE SKETCH."

INSURANCE SKETCH!

INSURANCE SKETCH!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

WELL, I'VE COME ABOUT YOUR SPECIAL, FULLY COMPREHENSIVE

MOTOR INSURANCE POLICY OFFER.

WHAT WAS THAT?

FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE

FOR ONE AND EIGHT PENCE.

OH! OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, GUV

THAT OFFER'S NO LONGER VALID.

YOU SEE, IT TURNED OUT

NOT TO BE ECONOMICALLY VIABLE

SO WE NOW HAVE A TOTALLY NEW OFFER.

WHAT'S THAT?

A NUDE LADY.

NUDE LADY?

YES, YOU GET A NUDE LADY

WITH A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE MOTOR INSURANCE.

IF YOU JUST WANT THIRD PARTY, SHE HAS TO KEEP HER BRA ON

AND IF IT'S JUST THEFT...

NO, NO, I DON'T REALLY WANT THAT, MISTER... MISTER...

DEVIOUS.

MR. DEVIOUS, I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME

TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE

ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.

ASTON MARTIN?

YEAH.

500 QUID.

500 QUID?

40 QUID.

40 QUID?

40 QUID AND A NUDE LADY.

NO, NO, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN A NUDE LADY.

DIRTY BOOKS?

NO, NO, NO, LOOK, I'M NOT INTERESTED IN ANY OF THAT.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT WOULD COST ME

TO HAVE A FULLY COMPREHENSIVE INSURANCE

ON A 1970 ASTON MARTIN.

CAN YOU PLEASE QUOTE ME YOUR PRICE?

KNOCK, KNOCK.

WHO'S THERE?

THE REVEREND.

THE REVEREND WHO?

THE REVEREND MORRISON.

OH, COME IN.

NOW, THEN, VIC, WHAT'S THE TROUBLE?

WELL, IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME.

EXCUSE ME.

DO I HAVE ANY MORE LINES?

I DON'T KNOW, MUSH.

I'LL HAVE A LOOK IN THE SCRIPT.

WHERE ARE WE?

SHOW EIGHT.

ARE YOU "MAN"?

YEAH... MAN.

NO... NO, YOU'VE FINISHED.

WELL, I'LL BE OFF, THEN.

RIGHT.

"THE VICAR SITS."

IT'S ABOUT THIS LETTER YOU SENT ME

REGARDING MY INSURANCE CLAIM.

OH, YEAH.

YEAH, WELL, YOU SEE

IT'S JUST THAT WE'RE NOT AS YET

TOTALLY SATISFIED WITH THE GROUNDS OF YOUR CLAIM.

BUT IT SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT FILLING MY MOUTH IN WITH CEMENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S JUST INSURANCE JARGON, YOU KNOW.

MY CAR WAS HIT BY A LORRY

WHILE STANDING IN THE GARAGE

AND YOU REFUSE TO PAY MY CLAIM.

OH, WELL, REVEREND MORRISON

IN YOUR POLICY...

IN YOUR POLICY...

HERE WE ARE.

IT STATES QUITE CLEARLY

THAT NO CLAIM YOU MAKE WILL BE PAID.

OH, DEAR.

YOU SEE...

YOU UNFORTUNATELY PLUMPED FOR OUR "NEVERPAY" POLICY

WHICH, YOU KNOW, IF YOU NEVER CLAIM, IS VERY WORTHWHILE

BUT YOU HAD TO CLAIM, AND, WELL, THERE IT IS.

OH, DEAR, OH, DEAR.

STILL, NEVER MIND, COULD BE WORSE.

HOW'S THE NUDE LADY?

OH, SHE'S FINE.

LOOK, REV, I HATE TO SEE A MAN CRY

SO SHOVE OFF, OUT THE OFFICE, THAT'S A GOOD CHAP.

OKAY, DEVIOUS! DON'T MOVE.

THE BISHOP!

I TAKE AS MY TEXT FOR TODAY...

THE TEXT, VIC!

DON'T SAY THE TEXT!

LEVITICUS 3-14.

WE WAS TOO LATE.

THE REVEREND GRUNDY BIT THE CEILING.

HELLO?

WHAT?

WE'LL BE RIGHT OVER.

AND IT IS FOR THIS REASON

THAT THE CHRISTIAN CHURCH LAYS UPON YOU, THE GODPARENTS...

THE OBLIGATION OF SEEING THIS CHILD IS BROUGHT UP

IN THE CHRISTIAN FAITH.

THEREFORE, I NAME THIS CHILD...

DON'T SAY THE KID'S NAME, VIC!

FRANCESCO LUIGI...

WE WAS TOO LATE.

THE REVEREND NEUK SAW THE LIGHT.

THE RING, VIC... DON'T TOUCH THE RING!

HEY, VIC...

...DEARLY DEPARTED, DUST TO DUST, ASHES TO ASHES.

HELP, HELP!

HELP, HELP!

HELP, HELP!

HELP, HELP!

COME ON.

OKAY, DEVIOUS, DON'T MOVE!

THE BISHOP!

THIS IS WHERE WE CAME IN.

YEAH.

OH, IT'S NICE TO BE HOME.

BUILDERS HAVEN'T BEEN, THEN.

NO.

THESE TWO OLD PEOPLE ARE TYPICAL

OF THE HOUSING PROBLEM FACING BRITAIN'S AGED.

HERE! DON'T YOU START DOING

A DOCUMENTARY ON US, YOUNG MAN.

OH, PLEASE.

NO, LEAVE US ALONE.

OH, JUST A LITTLE ONE

ABOUT THE APPALLING CONDITIONS

UNDER WHICH YOU LIVE?

NO, GET OUT OF OUR HOUSE!

GO ON.

COME ON, GEORGE, PICK IT UP.

WHY DON'T YOU DO A DOCUMENTARY

'BOUT THE DRUG PROBLEM ROUND IN WALTON STREET?

OH, I'LL GO AND HAVE A BATH.

THE SPLENDOR FALLS ON CASTLE WALLS

AND SNOWY SUMMITS OLD IN STORY...

HERE! THERE'S ALFRED LORD TENNYSON

IN THE BATHROOM!

WELL, AT LEAST THE POET'S BEEN INSTALLED, THEN.

YES, A POET IS ESSENTIAL FOR COMPLETE HOME COMFORT

AND ALL-YEAR-ROUND RELIABILITY AT LOW COST.

WE IN THE EAST MIDLANDS POET BOARD HOPE TO HAVE

A POET IN EVERY HOME BY THE END OF NEXT YEAR.

I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD...

THAT FLOATS ON HIGH OR VALE...

GOOD MORNING, MADAM.

I'VE COME TO READ YOUR POET.

OH, YES, IT'S IN THE CUPBOARD

UNDER THE STAIRS.

WHAT IS IT... A SWINBURNE? SHELLEY?

NO, IT'S A WORDSWORTH.

OH, BLOODY DAFFODILS.

BENEATH THE TREES

FLUTTERING AND DANCING IN THE BREEZE

CONTINUOUS AS THE STARS

THAT SHINE AND TWINKLE ON THE MILKY WAY...

RIGHT, THANK YOU, MADAM.

OH, NOT AT ALL. THANK YOU.

IT'S A NICE DAY, ISN'T IT?

YES, YES, THE WEATHER SITUATION

IS GENERALLY FAVORABLE.

THERE'S A RIDGE OF HIGH PRESSURE

CENTERED OVER IRELAND

WHICH IS MOVING STEADILY EASTWARDS

BRINGING CLOUDY WEATHER

TO PARTS OF THE WEST COUNTRY, WALES

AND AREAS WEST OF THE PENNINES.

ON TOMORROW'S CHART...

THE SITUATION'S MUCH THE SAME.

WITH THIS OCCLUDED FRONT BRINGING DRIER, WARMER WEATHER

TEMPERATURES ABOUT AVERAGE FOR THE TIME OF YEAR.

THAT'S THREE DEGREES CENTIGRADE, 44 DEGREES FAHRENHEIT

SO DON'T FORGET TO WRAP UP WELL.

THAT'S ALL FROM ME. GOOD NIGHT.

NOW ON BBC TELEVISION, A CHOICE OF VIEWING.

ON BBC 2, A DISCUSSION ON CENSORSHIP

BETWEEN DEREK HART, THE BISHOP OF WOOLWICH AND A NUDE MAN.

AND ON BBC 1, ME TELLING YOU THIS.

AND NOW...

WE DON'T WANT THAT, DO WE?

DO YOU REALLY WANT THAT CHERRY IN YOUR TEA?

DO YOU LIKE DOING THIS JOB?

WELL, IT'S A LIVING, ISN'T IT?

I MEAN, DON'T YOU GET BORED

READING PEOPLE'S POETS ALL DAY?

WELL... YOU KNOW... SOMETIMES, YEAH.

ANYWAY, I THINK I'LL BETTER BE GOING.

YOU'VE GOT A NICE TORCH, HAVEN'T YOU?

UH, YEAH, YEAH.

IT'S A... IT GOES, UH, ON AND OFF.

HOW MANY VOLTS IS IT?

OH, UH... WELL, I'LL HAVE A LOOK

AT THE BATTERIES.

OH, YES, YES.

IT'S, UH... 4½ VOLTS.

MMM, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

DO YOU WANT ANOTHER LOOK AT THE POET?

NO, NO, I MUST BE OFF, REALLY.

I'VE GOT THOMAS HARDY IN THE BEDROOM.

I'D LIKE YOU TO LOOK AT HIM.

OH, WELL, I CAN'T TOUCH HIM;

HE'S A NOVELIST.

OH, HE KEEPS MUMBLING ALL NIGHT.

AH, WELL, NOVELISTS DO, YOU SEE.

OH, FORGET HIM!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEARY?

HARNESS.

NO, NO... YOUR FIRST NAME, SILLY.

WOMBAT.

OH, WOMBAT! WOMBAT HARNESS!

TAKE ME TO THE PLACE WHERE ETERNITY KNOWS NO BOUNDS

WHERE THE GARDEN OF LOVE ENCLOSES US ROUND.

OH, HARNESS...

ALL RIGHT, I'LL HAVE A QUICK LOOK AT YOUR THOMAS HARDY.

NUDE MAN, WHAT DID YOU MAKE OF THAT?

WELL, DON'T YOU SEE

THAT WAS EXACTLY THE KIND OF EXPLICIT SEXUAL REFERENCE

I'M OBJECTING TO.

IT IS TITILLATION FOR THE SAKE OF IT

A DELIBERATE ATTEMPT AT CHEAP SENSATIONALISM.

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE SO-CALLED AVANT-GARDE, LEFT-WING

INTELLECTUAL NAMBY-PAMBIES SAY.

IT IS FILTH!

BISHOP.

OKAY, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE!

THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE CONSTANT REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.

THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE CONSTANT REPETITION IN THIS SHOW.

WHEE, WHOOPS!

OH, WHOOPS-A-DAISY!

SHUT UP, ALL OF YOU UP THERE.

WHAT? CAN'T A GUY GET SOME SLEEP AROUND HERE?

A LITTLE PEACE AND QUIET'S ALL I WANT.

SHUT UP RIGHT NOW OR I'M COMING UP.

I...

HOPE...

YOU'RE...

EN...

JOY...

ING...

THIS!

ATTENTION.

THERE'S BEEN A NASTY FIVE-FROG CURSE NEAR THE M4.

PROCEED IMMEDIATELY TO THE AREA.

OH, DEAR.

LOOKS BAD.

MMM, VERY BAD.

QUITE AGREED.

ONLY WAY THING TO DO

WITH A MULTIPLE FROG CURSE LIKE THIS.

RIGHTO, GET THE MAGIC WAND.

CLEAR THE AREA.

FIRE!

THANK YOU!

AND NOW A SKETCH ABOUT A CHEMIST

CALLED "THE CHEMIST SKETCH"!

RIGHT, I'VE GOT SOME OF YOUR PRESCRIPTIONS HERE.

UH, WHO'S GOT THE POX?

COME ON, WHO'S GOT THE POX?

COME ON! COME...

CATCH.

WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON THE BUM?

BOIL ON THE BOTTY.

WHO'S GOT THE CHEST RASH?

HAVE TO GET A BIGGER BOTTLE.

WHO'S GOT... WHO'S GOT WIND?

CATCH.

THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE

FOR THE POOR QUALITY OF THE WRITING IN THAT SKETCH.

IT IS NOT BBC POLICY TO GET EASY LAUGHS

WITH WORDS LIKE "BUM," "KNICKERS," "BOTTY"

OR "WEE-WEES"...SHH!

THESE ARE THE WORDS

WHICH ARE NOT TO BE USED AGAIN ON THIS PROGRAM.

SEMPRINI!?

OUT!

RIGHT, WHO'S GOT A BOIL ON HIS SEMPRINI, THEN?

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

GOOD MORNING, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE, PLEASE.

CERTAINLY, SIR, WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE.

IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY

I WOULDN'T NEED AFTERSHAVE.

GOOD MORNING.

GOOD MORNING, SIR.

CAN I HELP YOU?

YES, I'D LIKE SOME AFTERSHAVE.

AH, A TOILET REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO TRY THIS, SIR?

IT'S OUR VERY LATEST.

IT'S CALLED "SEA MIST."

MMM, I QUITE LIKE IT.

HOW ABOUT SOMETHING A LITTLE MORE MUSKY?

THIS ONE'S CALLED "MIMMO."

MMM, NOT REALLY, NO.

HAVE YOU ANYTHING A LITTLE FISHIER?

FISHIER?

FISHIER.

FISH, FISH, FISH.

A FISHY REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.

LIKE HALIBUT OR SEA BASS.

OR BREAM?

YES.

NO, WE HAVEN'T GOT ANY OF THAT.

UH, I'VE GOT MACKEREL OR COD OR HAKE.

YOU HAVEN'T GOT ANYTHING

A LITTLE MORE HALIBUTISH?

UH... PARROT?

WHAT'S THAT DOING THERE?

OR SKATE WITH JUST A HINT OF PRAWN.

OR CRAB, TIGER AND ALMONDS... VERY UNUSUAL.

I REALLY HAD MY HEART SET ON HALIBUT.

WELL, SIR, WE HAD A FISHY CONSIGNMENT IN THIS MORNING

SO I COULD NIP DOWN TO THE BASEMENT

AND SEE IF I CAN COME UP TRUMPS

WITH THIS PARTICULAR REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T-T-T.

SO IT WAS HALIBUT OR?

SEA BASS.

SEA BASS! WON'T BE A MOMENT-T-T-T-T-T.

SORRY ABOUT THIS.

NORMALLY WE TRY AND AVOID THESE LITTLE PAUSES... "LONGEURS"...

ONLY DRAMATICALLY HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT, YOU SEE.

COURSE, THERE ISN'T REALLY A BASEMENT.

BUT HE JUST GOES OFF AND WE PRETEND.

ACTUALLY WHAT HAPPENS IS HE JUST GOES OFF THERE OFF-CAMERA

AND JUST WAITS THERE

SO IT LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'S GONE DOWN TO THE BASEMENT.

ACTUALLY I THINK HE'S RATHER OVERDOING IT.

AH!

AH, SORRY, SIR.

A LOT OF STEPS.

WELL, I'M AFRAID IT DIDN'T COME IN THIS MORNING, SIR

BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN AT OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH.

I'LL JUST NIP DOWN THERE AND GET IT FOR YOU.

HOW LONG WILL THAT BE?

TWENTY MINUTES.

TWENTY MINUTES!?

PSST!

OH, I WONDER WHAT OTHER PEOPLE USE FOR AFTERSHAVE LOTION.

I USE A BODY RUB CALLED "HALITOSIS"!

IT MAKES MY BREATH SEEM SWEET!

I USE AN AFTERSHAVE CALLED "SEMPRINI"!

UH, SORRY, SORRY, CAN'T STOP NOW.

I'VE GOT TO GET TO KENSINGTON.

I USE TWO KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH...

THREE KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION:

FRANKINCENSE, MYRRH, SAN...

FOUR KINDS OF AFTERSHAVE LOTION: FRANKINCENSE...

I HAVE A COLD SHOWER EVERY MORNING JUST BEFORE I GO MAD

AND THEN I GO MAD ONE, MAD TWO, MAD THREE, MAD FOUR...

I USE RANCID POLECAT NUMBER TWO.

IT KEEPS MY SKIN NICE AND SCALY.

UH, SORRY AGAIN. CAN'T STOP.

GOT TO GET BACK.

WHOO!

WELL, I'M AFRAID THEY DON'T HAVE ANY

IN OUR KENSINGTON BRANCH

BUT WE HAVE GOT SOME DOWN IN THE DEPOT.

WHERE'S THAT?

ABERDEEN.

ABERDEEN!?

IT'S ALL RIGHT; YOU WAIT HERE.

I'VE GOT A CAR.

NO, NO, NO, I'LL TAKE THE OTHER...

THE CRAB, TIGER AND...

ALMOND REQUISIT-T-T-T-T-T?

I'LL TAKE IT.

RIGHT! RIGHT! RIGHT!

NOW, THEN, NOW, THEN!

YOUR TURN.

AREN'T YOU GOING TO SAY

"WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?"

OH, RIGHT... WHAT'S ALL THIS, THEN?

THIS MAN HAS BEEN SHOPLIFTING, OFFICER.

OH, YES?

YES.

ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME MY JOB?

UH, NO, BUT HE'S BEEN SHOPLIFTING.

LOOK, I MUST WARN YOU

THAT ANYTHING YOU MAY SAY WILL BE IGNORED.

AND FURTHERMORE, GIVEN HALF A CHANCE

I'LL PUT MY FIST THROUGH YOUR TEETH... F'TANG! F'TANG!

BUT OFFICER, THIS MAN HERE...

LOOK, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU.

YOU'RE UNDER ARREST.

OFFICER, IT WASN'T HIM; HE'S THE SHOPLIFTER.

NO, I'M NOT.

HE'S NOT; I'M A WITNESS.

LOOK, ONE MORE PEEP OUT OF YOU

AND I'LL DO YOU FOR HERESY.

HERESY!?

BLIMEY, I DIDN'T EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION.

SHUT UP! F'TANG, F'TANG!

OOH, THAT'S NICE. RIGHT!

I'M TAKING YOU ALONG TO THE STATION.

WHAT FOR?

I'M CHARGING YOU WITH ILLEGAL POSSESSION

OF WHATEVER WE HAPPEN TO HAVE DOWN THERE... RIGHT!

LUNAR MODULE CALLING BUZZ ALDRIN.

COME IN.

THE BBC WOULD LIKE TO APOLOGIZE TO THE POLICE

ABOUT THE CHARACTER OF POLICE CONSTABLE PAN AM.

HE WAS NOT MEANT TO REPRESENT THE A VERAGE POLICE OFFICER.

SIMILARLY, THE REFERENCE TO BUZZ ALDRIN, THE ASTRONAUT

WAS THE PRODUCT OF A DISORDERED MIND

AND SHOULD NOT BE CONSTRUED AS HAVING ANY OTHER SIGNIFICANCE.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT!

OH! THAT WAS FUN!

AND NOW...

THE END! THE END!

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll