Original subtitles

WWW.MY-SUBS.CO

MY, ISN'T IT HOT IN HERE!

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING MORE COMPLETELY DIFFERENT.

IT'S...

MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS.

[Captioning sponsored by THE U.S. DEPARTMENT OF EDUCATION

and A&E TELEVISION NETWORKS]

"OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOL... SWOLLEN."

"OH, MR. BELPIT?"

"OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOLLEN."

"OH, MR. BELPIT..."

EXCUSE ME, EXCUSE ME.

I SAW YOUR ADVERTISEMENT

FOR FLYING LESSONS

AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPLICATION.

NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

I'M NOT IN THIS SHOW.

OH, I SEE.

"OH, MR. BELPIT..."

DO YOU... DO YOU...

DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM...

THE FLYING LESSONS?

NO, NOTHING TO DO WITH ME.

I'M NOT IN THIS SHOW.

THIS IS SHOW FIVE.

I'M NOT IN UNTIL SHOW EIGHT.

OH, I SEE.

I'M JUST LEARNING MY LINES, YOU KNOW.

"OH, MR...

OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS..."

A BIT AWKWARD, EH?

YES.

I'M A BIT STUCK.

WELL, TRY OVER THERE.

"OH, MR. BELPIT..." OH, YES, THANKS.

NOT AT ALL. THANKS A LOT.

"OH, MR. BELPIT, THEY'RE SO SWOL... SWOLLEN."

"OH! M... MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS..."

EXCUSE ME, I SAW YOUR ADVERTISEMENT

FOR FLYING LESSONS

AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPLICATION.

APPOINTMENT?

YES, YES.

CERTAINLY.

WOULD YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE?

MORNING, MR. JONES, MR. BARNES.

MORNING.

MORNING, MRS. WILLS.

MORNING, LOVE.

TAKE THIS TO MARKETING, WOULD YOU?

JUST FOLLOW ME.

OH, BE CAREFUL.

YES, NEARLY TRIPPED.

WE'LL BE THERE SOON.

GOOD. IT'S A LONG WAY, ISN'T IT?

OH, GET HOLD OF THAT.

WATCH IT.

MORNING.

MORNING.

UP THE STAIRS.

YES.

BE CAREFUL, VERY STEEP.

ALMOST THERE.

MORNING.

MORNING.

WILL YOU COME THIS WAY, PLEASE?

IN HERE, PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

HELLO, I SAW YOUR ADVERTISEMENT

FOR FLYING LESSONS

AND I'D LIKE TO MAKE AN APPOINTMENT.

WELL, MR. ANEMONE'S ON THE PHONE AT THE MOMENT

BUT I'M SURE HE WON'T MIND IF YOU GO ON IN.

THROUGH HERE.

AH, WON'T BE A MOMENT.

MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.

NO, NO, WELL, LOOK, YOU CAN ASK MR. MAUDLING

BUT I'M SURE HE'LL NEVER AGREE.

NOT FOR 50 SHILLINGS, NO.

NO. BYE-BYE, GORDON.

BYE-BYE.

OH, DEAR.

BYE-BYE.

MISSED. NOW, MR. UH...

CHIGGER.

MR. CHIGGER, SO YOU WANT TO LEARN TO FLY.

YES.

RIGHT, WELL, UP ON THE TABLE

ARMS OUT, FINGERS TOGETHER, KNEES BENT!

NO, NO, NO.

UP ON THE TABLE!

ARMS OUT, FINGERS TOGETHER, KNEES BENT.

NOW, HEAD WELL FORWARD.

NOW, FLAP YOUR ARMS.

GO ON, FLAP FASTER.

FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER, FASTER.

NOW JUMP!

ROTTEN, ROTTEN.

YOU'RE NO BLOODY USE AT ALL.

YOU'RE AN UTTER BLOODY WASH-OUT.

YOU MAKE ME SICK, YOU WEED!

NOW, LOOK HERE!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GIVE YOU ONE MORE CHANCE.

GET ON THE TABLE.

LOOK, I CAME HERE TO LEARN

HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE.

A WHAT?

I CAME HERE TO LEARN

HOW TO FLY AN AEROPLANE.

OH, AN AEROPLANE.

OH, I SAY, WE ARE GRAND, AREN'T WE?

OH, OH, NO MORE BUTTERED SCONES FOR ME, MATER.

I'M OFF TO PLAY THE GRAND PIANO.

PARDON ME WHILE I FLY MY AEROPLANE.

NOW, GET ON THE TABLE!

LOOK, NO ONE IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD

HAS EVER BEEN ABLE TO FLY LIKE THAT.

OH, I SUPPOSE MATER TOLD YOU THAT

WHILE YOU WERE OUT RIDING.

WELL, IF PEOPLE CAN'T FLY

WHAT AM I DOING UP HERE?

YOU'RE ON A WIRE.

OH, A WIRE?

I'M ON A WIRE, AM I?

OF COURSE YOU'RE ON A BLOODY WIRE.

I AM NOT ON A WIRE; I AM FLYING.

YOU'RE ON A WIRE.

I AM FLYING!

YOU'RE ON A WIRE!

I'LL SHOW YOU WHETHER I'M ON A WIRE OR NOT.

GIVE ME THE "OOP."

WHAT?

OH, I DON'T SUPPOSE

WE KNOW WHAT AN OOP IS.

I SUPPOSE PATER THOUGHT THEY WERE A BIT COMMON

EXCEPT ON THE BLEEDING CROQUET LAWN.

OH, A "HOOP."

"OH! AN HOOP."

THANK YOU, YOUR BLEEDING HIGHNESS.

NOW... LOOK.

GO ON!

RIGHT THE WAY ALONG.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

THERE, NOW, WHERE'S THE BLEEDING WIRE?

THAT HOOP'S GOT A HOLE IN.

OH, ETON AND MAGDALENE, THE HOOP HAS AN HOLE IN.

OF COURSE IT'S GOT A HOLE IN!

IT WOULDN'T BE A HOOP OTHERWISE, WOULD IT, MUSH?

NO, THERE'S A GAP IN THE MIDDLE, THERE.

OH, A GAP, A GAP IN ONE'S HOOP.

PARDON ME, BUT I'M OFF TO PLAY THE GRAND PIANO.

LOOK, I CAN SEE YOU'RE ON A WIRE.

LOOK, THERE IT IS.

LOOK, I TOLD YOU, YOU BASTARD...

I'M NOT ON A WIRE.

YOU ARE. THERE IS.

THERE ISN'T.

IS.

ISN'T! IS!

ISN'T! IS!

ISN'T! IS! ISN'T! IS!

ANYWAY, THIS RATHER POINTLESS BICKERING

WENT ON FOR SOME TIME UNTIL...

GOSH, I AM GLAD

I'M A FULLY QUALIFIED AIRLINE PILOT.

THE BRITISH AIRLINE PILOTS ASSOCIATION

WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT IT TAKES A CHAP SIX YEARS

TO BECOME A FULLY QUALIFIED AIRLINE PILOT, AND NOT TWO.

THANK YOU.

I DIDN'T WANT TO SEEM

A BIT OF AN OLD FUSSPOT JUST NOW, YOU KNOW

BUT IT'S JUST AS EASY TO GET THESE THINGS RIGHT

AS THEY ARE EASILY FOUND IN THE BALPA HANDBOOK.

OH, ONE OTHER THING... IN THE SHERLOCK HOLMES LAST WEEK

TOMMY COOPER TOLD A JOKE ABOUT A CHARTER FLIGHT

OMITTING TO POINT OUT THAT ONE MUST BE A MEMBER

OF ANY ORGANIZATION THAT CHARTERS A PLANE

FOR AT LEAST SIX MONTHS BEFOREHAND

BEFORE BEING ABLE TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF IT.

DID RATHER SPOIL THE JOKE FOR ME, I'M AFRAID.

YES, AH, YES, YES.

MY WIFE HAS JUST REMINDED ME THAT ON A RECENT HIGH CHAPARRAL

KATHY KIRBY WAS SINGING GLIBLY ABOUT "FLY ME TO THE STARS"

WHEN, OF COURSE, THERE ARE NO SCHEDULED FLIGHTS OF THIS KIND

OR EVEN CHARTERED, AVAILABLE TO THE GENERAL PUBLIC

AT THE PRESENT MOMENT.

ALTHOUGH, OF COURSE, WHEN THEY ARE

BALPA WILL BE IN THE VANGUARD...

OR THE TRIDENT.

LITTLE JOKE FOR THE CHAPS UP AT BALPA HOUSE.

UH, ONE OTHER SMALL POINT.

WHY IS IT THAT THESE NEW LUREX DANCING TIGHTS

GO BAGGY AT THE KNEES AFTER ONLY A COUPLE OF EVENINGS' FUN?

BRING BACK THE OLD CANVAS ONES, I SAY.

IT IS INCREDIBLE, ISN'T IT

THAT IN THESE DAYS WHEN MAN CAN WALK ON THE MOON

AND WORK OUT THE MOST COMPLICATED

HIRE PURCHASE AGREEMENTS

I STILL GET THESE TERRIBLE HEADACHES.

ALL RIGHT, I SEEM TO HAVE WANDERED A BIT

BUT STILL, NO HARM DONE.

JOLLY GOOD LUCK.

ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN THERE ALL DAY?

OTHER PEOPLE WANT TO GO, YOU KNOW!

THE DOOR'S JAMMED, IF YOU ASK ME.

AH! THAT'S BETTER.

OH, MY GOD.

AH, I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

I THOUGHT THIS WAS THE BALLY TOILET.

THIS IS THE CONTROL CABIN.

OH, I KNOW THAT.

I'M A FLYING MAN, YOU KNOW, YES.

BALLY STUPID MISTAKE.

CLOUD'S HEAVY.

WHAT'S THE READING?

UH, 4.8... STEADY.

IF THEY HAD ALL THESE DIALS IN THE TOILET

THERE WOULDN'T BE ROOM

FOR ANYTHING ELSE, WOULD THERE?

HELLO, GENEVA, THIS IS ROGER FIVE-O.

WHAT IS YOUR CLOUD READING? HELLO, GENEVA.

I WOULDN'T FANCY FLYING ONE OF THESE

SITTING ON THE TOILET.

I MEAN, IT'D TAKE THE GLAMOUR

OUT OF BEING A PILOT, WOULDN'T IT?

FLYING AROUND THE WORLD SITTING ON A TOILET.

Geneva here.

4.9... heavy. Over.

SERIOUS?

NO, NOT IF IT KEEPS AT THAT LEVEL, NO.

MIND, MIND YOU

IF YOU DID FLY IT FROM THE TOILET

IT'D LEAVE A LOT MORE SPACE UP HERE

WOULDN'T IT?

WELL, I'D BETTER GET BACK TO THE CABIN, THEN.

UH, SORRY ABOUT THE SILLY INTRUSION.

BALLY STUPID.

THE DOOR'S JAMMED.

BALLY PIECE OF LUCK.

OH, HELLO.

EVERYTHING ALL RIGHT AT THE BACK?

YES, THEY'RE QUIET AS DORMICE.

DORMICE?

ALL RIGHT, DON'T ANYBODY MOVE.

UH... EXCEPT TO CONTROL THE AIRPLANE...

YOU CAN MOVE A LITTLE TO DO THAT.

CAN I MOVE?

UH, YES, YES, YES.

YOU CAN MOVE A LITTLE BIT, YES.

SORRY, I DIDN'T MEAN TO BE

QUITE SO DOGMATIC WHEN I CAME IN.

OBVIOUSLY, YOU CAN ALL MOVE A LITTLE, WITHIN REASON.

THERE ARE CERTAIN INVOLUNTARY MUSCULAR MOVEMENTS

THAT NO AMOUNT OF SELF-CONTROL CAN PREVENT.

AND OBVIOUSLY, ANY ASSERTION OF AUTHORITY ON MY PART...

I'VE GOT TO TAKE THAT INTO ACCOUNT.

RIGHT, I MEAN, ONE COULDN'T, FOR EXAMPLE

STOP ONE'S INSIDES FROM MOVING.

NO, NO... GOOD POINT, GOOD POINT.

AND THE VERY FACT THAT THE PLANE

IS CONTINUOUSLY VIBRATING

MEANS WE'RE ALL MOVING TO A CERTAIN EXTENT.

AND WE'RE ALL MOVING OUR LIPS

AREN'T WE?

YES, YES. YES, YES

ABSOLUTELY.

NO, THE GIST OF MY MEANING WAS

THAT SUDDEN, UH...

EXAGGERATED MOVEMENTS!

EXAGGERATED, VIOLENT MOVEMENTS ARE... ARE OUT.

WELL, THAT'S THE GREAT THING

ABOUT THESE MODERN AIRLINERS.

I MEAN, I CAN KEEP THIS PLANE FLYING

WITH ONLY THE SMALLEST MOVEMENT

AND PANCHO HERE DOESN'T HAVE TO MOVE AT ALL.

OH, THAT'S MARVELOUS.

OOH, AND I DON'T REALLY NEED TO MOVE EITHER

UNLESS I GET AN ITCH OR SOMETHING.

WELL, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

60% SUCCESS, EH?

60%, YEAH.

OH, DEAR.

ANYWAY, BEARING ALL THAT IN MIND

WILL YOU FLY THIS PLANE TO LUTON, PLEASE?

WELL, THIS IS

A SCHEDULED FLIGHT TO CUBA.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

THAT'S RATHER WHY I CAME IN HERE

WITH THAT POINT ABOUT NOBODY MOVING.

OH, I SEE. WITHIN REASON.

WITHIN REASON.

WITHIN REASON, RIGHT.

YES, UM, YOU KNOW...

I WANT YOU

TO FLY THIS PLANE TO LUTON!

PLEASE.

RIGHT, WELL, I'D BETTER TURN

THE PLANE ROUND THEN.

UH, STAND BY... EMERGENCY SYSTEMS.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO CAUSE ANY TROUBLE.

NO, NO, WE'LL MANAGE, WE'LL MANAGE.

I MEAN, NEAR LUTON WILL DO, YOU KNOW.

HARPENDEN, DO YOU GO NEAR HARPENDEN?

IT'S ON THE FLIGHT PATH.

OKAY, WELL, DROP ME OFF THERE.

I'LL GET A BUS TO LUTON.

IT'S ONLY 25 MINUTES.

YOU CAN BE IN LUTON BY LUNCHTIME.

WELL, THAT'S SMASHING.

THERE'S NO AIRPORT AT HARPENDEN.

OH, WELL, LOOK, FORGET IT, FORGET IT.

I'LL COME TO CUBA

AND GET A FLIGHT BACK TO LUTON FROM THERE.

WELL, WE COULD LEND YOU A PARACHUTE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT.

I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT...

DIRTYING A NICE, CLEAN PARACHUTE.

I KNOW, I KNOW.

THERE'S A BALE OF HAY

OUTSIDE BASINGSTOKE.

WE COULD THROW YOU OUT.

WELL, IF IT'S ALL RIGHT.

SURE, YEAH. YEAH!

NOT ANY TROUBLE?

NO, NONE AT ALL.

THAT'S MARVELOUS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SORRY TO COME BARGING IN.

BYE-BYE.

THANK YOU.

BYE.

THANK... YOU!

TAKE THIS BUS TO CUBA.

FROM THESE GLENS AND SCARS

THE SOUND OF THE COOT AND THE MOORHEN IS SELDOM ABSENT.

NATURE SITS IN STERN MASTERY OVER THESE ROCKS AND CRAGS.

THE RUSH OF THE MOUNTAIN STREAM, THE BLEAT OF THE SHEEP

AND THE BROAD, CLEAR HIGHLAND SKIES REFLECTED IN TARN AND LOCH

FORM THE BREATHTAKING BACKDROP

AGAINST WHICH EWAN McTEAGLE WRITES SUCH POEMS

AS "LEND US A QUID TILL THE END OF THE WEEK."

BUT IT WAS WITH MORE SIMPLE, HOMESPUN VERSES

THAT McTEAGLE'S UNIQUE STYLE FIRST FLOWERED.

"IF YOU COULD SEE YOUR WAY TO LENDING ME SIXPENCE

"I COULD AT LEAST BUY A NEWSPAPER.

THAT'S NOT MUCH TO ASK ANYONE."

ONE WOMAN WHO REMEMBERS McTEAGLE AS A YOUNG FRIEND...

LASSIE O'SHEA.

OH... MR. McTEAGLE WROTE ME TWO POEMS

BETWEEN THE MONTHS OF JANUARY AND APRIL, 1969.

COULD YOU READ US ONE?

OCH, I DINNA LIKE TO, THOUGH.

THEY WERE KIND OF PERSONAL...

BUT I WILL.

"TO MY OWN BELOVED LASSIE.

"A POEM ON HER 17th BIRTHDAY.

"LEND US A COUPLE OF BOB TILL THURSDAY.

"I'M ABSOLUTELY SKINT.

"BUT I'M EXPECTING A POSTAL ORDER

"AND I CAN PAY YOU BACK AS SOON AS IT COMES.

LOVE, EWAN."

BEAUTIFUL.

SINCE THEN, McTEAGLE HAS DEVELOPED AND WIDENED

HIS LITERARY SCOPE.

THREE YEARS AGO HE CONCERNED HIMSELF WITH QUITE SMALL SUMS

QUICK BITS OF READY CASH... SIXPENCES, SHILLINGS.

BUT MORE RECENTLY

HE HAS TURNED HIS EXTRAORDINARY LITERARY PERCEPTION

TO MUCH LARGER SUMS... 15 SHILLINGS, £4.12.6d...

EVEN NINE GUINEAS.

BUT THERE IS STILL NOTHING TO MATCH THE HUGE SWEEP

THE MAJESTIC POWER OF WHAT IS SURELY HIS GREATEST WORK:

"CAN I HAVE £50 TO MEND THE SHED?"

CAN I HAVE £50 TO MEND THE SHED?

I'M RIGHT ON MY UPPERS.

I CAN PAY YOU BACK

WHEN THIS POSTAL ORDER COMES FROM AUSTRALIA.

HONESTLY.

HOPE THE BLADDER TROUBLE'S GETTING BETTER.

LOVE... EWAN.

THERE SEEMS TO BE NO END TO McTEAGLE'S POETIC INVENTION.

"MY NEW CHECKBOOK HASN'T ARRIVED" WAS FOLLOWED UP

BY THE BRILLIANTLY ALLEGORICAL

"WHAT'S 20 QUID TO THE BLOODY MIDLAND BANK?"

AND MORE RECENTLY HIS PRIZEWINNING POEM

"CAN YOU LEND ME 1,000 QUID?"

I THINK WHAT McTEAGLE'S POTTERY... POETRY IS DOING

IS REJECTING ALL THE TRADITIONAL CLICHES OF MODERN POTTERY.

NO LONGER DO WE HAVE TO BE CONTENT

WITH KEATS'S "SEASONS OF MISTS AND MELLOW FRUITFULNESS"

WORDSWORTH'S "I WANDERED LONELY AS A CLOUD"

AND MILTON'S "CAN YOU LEND US TWO BOB TILL TUESDAY?"

"OH, GIE TO ME A SHILLIN' FOR SOME FAGS

"AND I'LL PAY YER BACK ON THURSDAY

"BUT IF YOU CAN WAIT TILL SATURDAY

I'M EXPECTING A DIVVY FROM THE HARPENDEN BUILDING SOCIETY."

OH, SOD 'EM.

...WORKING MY FINGERS TO THE BONE...

AS A HIGHLANDER, I WOULD LIKE TO COMPLAIN

ABOUT SOME INACCURACIES IN THE PRECEDING FILM

ABOUT THE POET EWAN McTEAGLE.

ALTHOUGH HIS NAME WAS QUITE CLEARLY GIVEN AS McTEAGLE

HE WAS THROUGHOUT WEARING THE CAMERON TARTAN.

ALSO I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT THAT THE BALPA SPOKESMAN

WHO COMPLAINED ABOUT AERONAUTICAL INACCURACIES

WAS HIMSELF WEARING A CAPTAIN'S HAT

WHEREAS HE ONLY HAD LIEUTENANT'S STRIPES

ON THE SLEEVES OF HIS JACKET.

ALSO, IN THE INVERNESS PANTOMIME LAST CHRISTMAS

THE PART OF PUSS IN BOOTS WAS PLAYED BY A NATIVE OF NEW GUINEA

WITH A PLATE IN HER LIP...

SO THAT EVERY TIME

DICK WHITTINGTON GAVE HER A FRENCH KISS

HE GOT THE BACK OF HIS THROAT SCRAPED.

LOOK, WOULD YOU MIND GOING AWAY?

I'M TRYING TO EXAMINE THIS MAN.

IT'S, UH... IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I... I AM A DOCTOR.

ACTUALLY, I'M A GYNECOLOGIST, BUT THIS IS MY LUNCH HOUR.

I HAVE A NASTY FEELING I AM SOMEBODY'S LUNCH HOUR.

ACTUALLY, I FIND VIOLENCE EXTREMELY DISTASTEFUL...

ONLY IT WAS THE ONLY PART OFFERED, AND I NEED THE WORK.

PAT-A-CAKE, PAT-A-CAKE, BAKER'S MAN.

GOOD MORNING, MADAM, I'M A PSYCHIATRIST.

YOU LOOK LIKE A MILKMAN TO ME.

GOOD. I AM IN FACT DRESSED AS A MILKMAN.

YOU SPOTTED THAT... WELL DONE.

GO AWAY.

I'M GOING TO SHOW YOU THREE NUMBERS

AND I WANT YOU TO TELL ME

IF YOU SEE ANY SIMILARITY BETWEEN THEM.

THEY'RE ALL NUMBER THREE.

NO. TRY AGAIN.

THEY'RE ALL NUMBER THREE?

NO. THEY'RE ALL NUMBER THREE.

RIGHT, NOW, I'M GOING TO SAY A WORD

AND I WANT YOU TO SAY

THE FIRST THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR HEAD.

HOW MANY PINTS DO YOU WANT?

UH... THREE?

YOGURT? NO.

CREAM? NO.

EGGS? NO.

YOU'RE QUITE CLEARLY SUFFERING

FROM A REPRESSIVE LIBIDO COMPLEX

PROBABLY THE RESULT OF A PRODUCT

OF AN UNHAPPY CHILDHOOD

COUPLED WITH ACUTE INSECURITY IN ADOLESCENCE

WHICH HAS RESULTED

IN AN ATTENUATION OF THE LIBIDO COMPLEX.

YOU ARE A BLOODY MILKMAN!

DON'T YOU SHOUT AT ME, MADAM.

DON'T COME THAT TONE.

NOW THEN, I MUST ASK YOU

TO ACCOMPANY ME DOWN TO THE DAIRY

AND DO SOME APTITUDE TESTS.

I'VE GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN COME DOWN TO THE DAIRY.

MRS. RATBAG, IF YOU DON'T MIND ME SAYING SO

YOU ARE BADLY IN NEED

OF AN EXPENSIVE COURSE OF PSYCHIATRIC TREATMENT.

NOW, I'M NOT GOING TO SAY

A TRIP TO OUR DAIRY WILL CURE YOU

BUT IT WILL GIVE HUNDREDS OF LOWER-PAID WORKERS

A GOOD LAUGH.

ALL RIGHT, BUT HOW AM I GOING TO GET HOME?

I'LL RUN YOU THERE AND BACK

ON MY PSYCHIATRIST'S FLOAT.

ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE ALL THOSE?

THEY'RE CASE HISTORIES.

PSYCHIATRISTS!

PSYCHIATRISTS! PSYCHIATRISTS!

YES, SIR?

GOOD MORNING.

AFRAID OUR REGULAR PSYCHIATRIST

HASN'T COME ROUND THIS MORNING

AND I'VE GOT AN EGO BLOCK

WHICH IS IN TURN MAKING MY WIFE OVER-ASSERTIVE

AND GETTING US BOTH INTO A STATE OF DEPRESSIVE NEUROSIS.

I SEE, SIR, WHO'S YOUR REGULAR?

JERSEY CREAM PSYCHIATRISTS.

OH, YES, I KNOW THEM.

RIGHT, WELL, UH... WHAT'S YOUR JOB, THEN?

I'M A DOCTOR.

DIDN'T I SEE YOU JUST NOW UNDER A SCOTSMAN?

YES, BUT I AM A DOCTOR.

ACTUALLY, I'M A GYNECOLOGIST BUT THAT WAS MY LUNCH HOUR.

WHAT DOES THIS REMIND YOU OF?

TWO PINTS OF CREAM?

RIGHT. I SHOULD DEFINITELY SAY

YOU'RE SUFFERING

FROM SEVERE PERSONALITY DISORDER, SIR

SUBLIMATING ITSELF IN A LACTIC OBSESSION

WHICH COULD GET WORSE

DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH MONEY YOU'VE GOT.

YES, YES, I SEE.

AND A POT OF YOGURT, PLEASE.

I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS OPPORTUNITY

OF COMPLAINING ABOUT THE WAY IN WHICH THESE SHOWS

ARE CONTINUALLY PORTRAYING PSYCHIATRISTS

WHO MAKE PAT DIAGNOSES OF PATIENTS' PROBLEMS

WITHOUT FIRST OBTAINING THEIR FULL MEDICAL HISTORY.

MIND YOU, THAT'S JUST A PAT DIAGNOSIS

MADE WITHOUT FIRST OBTAINING YOUR FULL MEDICAL HISTORY.

I FEEL THE TIME HAS COME TO COMPLAIN ABOUT PEOPLE

WHO MAKE RASH COMPLAINTS

WITHOUT FIRST MAKING SURE THAT THOSE COMPLAINTS ARE JUSTIFIED.

ARE YOU REFERRING TO ME?

NOT NECESSARILY.

HOWEVER, I WOULD LIKE TO POINT OUT

THAT THE BALPA SPOKESMAN WAS WEARING

THE BRITISH PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION DINNER DANCE CLUB CUFF LINKS.

YES, I NOTICED THAT, TOO.

THESE ARE NOT BRITISH PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION DINNER DANCE CLUB CUFF LINKS.

SORRY.

THEY ARE, IN FACT

BRITISH SUGAR CORPORATION

GILBERT AND SULLIVAN SOCIETY CUFF LINKS.

IT IS IN FACT A SORT OF IN-JOKE WITH US LADS HERE AT BALPA.

I THINK THE LAST SPEAKER SHOULD HAVE CHECKED HIS FACTS

BEFORE MAKING HIS OWN RASH COMPLAINT.

YEAH, THAT'LL TEACH HIM.

HOWEVER, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO ADD A COMPLAINT

ABOUT SHOWS WHICH HAVE TOO MANY COMPLAINTS IN THEM

AS THEY GET VERY TEDIOUS FOR THE AVERAGE VIEWER.

I'D LIKE TO COMPLAIN

ABOUT PEOPLE WHO HOLD THINGS UP

BY COMPLAINING ABOUT PEOPLE COMPLAINING.

IT'S ABOUT TIME SOMETHING WAS DONE ABOUT IT.

NURSE! WOULD YOU TAKE MRS. PIM

TO SEE DR. CREAM, PLEASE?

CERTAINLY, DOCTOR.

WALK THIS WAY, PLEASE.

OH, IF I COULD WALK THAT WAY, I...

MRS. PIM TO SEE YOU, DR. CREAM.

I JUST WANT ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES WITH AUDREY.

COULD YOU SHOW MRS. PIM

INTO THE WAITING ROOM, PLEASE?

YES, DOCTOR.

RIGHT, AUDREY, WHEN DID YOU FIRST START THINKING

YOU WERE A COW?

"JEEZ, MR. BELPIT

YOUR LEGS IS ALL SWOLLEN."

"OI! MR. BELPIT...

YOUR GREAT LEGS IS ALL SWOLLEN!"

"AH! MR. BELPIT

YOUR LEGS ARE ALL SWOLLEN!"

GOOD EVENING.

TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND

WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU...

THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIMES GET

THAT WE'VE LIVED THROUGH SOMETHING BEFORE

THAT WHAT IS HAPPENING NOW HAS ALREADY HAPPENED.

TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND

WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU

THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIMES GET

THAT WE'VE LIVED...

ANYWAY, TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND

WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU

THAT STRANGE...

GOOD EVENING.

TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND

WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF DEJA VU

THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIM...

...MES GET...

THAT...

WE'VE LIVED THROUGH SOMETHING...

GOOD... GOOD EVENING.

TONIGHT ON IT'S THE MIND

WE EXAMINE THE PHENOMENON OF D-D-D-D-D-DEJA V-V-V-VU

THAT EXTRAORDINARY FEELING...

QUITE EXTRAORDINARY...

NO, FINE, THANKS, FINE.

OH, THANK YOU.

THAT STRANGE FEELING WE SOMETIMES GET

THAT WE'VE LIVED THROUGH SOMETHING BEFORE.

NO, FINE, THANK YOU. FINE.

THANK YOU.

THAT STRANGE FEELING...

NO. FINE, THANK YOU. FINE.

THANK YOU.

LOOK, SOMETHING'S HAPPENING TO ME.

I... UM... I THINK I'D BETTER GO AND SEE SOMEONE.

GOODNIGHT.

WAIT! HEY!

OI, HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE?

NO, DOCTOR, NO.

SOMETHING VERY FUNNY'S HAPPENING TO ME.

HEY!

OI, HAVEN'T I SEEN YOU SOMEWHERE BEFORE?

NO, DOCTOR, NO.

SOMETHING VERY FUNNY'S HAPPENING TO ME.

"OH, MR. BELPIT, YOUR LEGS ARE SO SWOLLEN."

AH, COME IN.

NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?

I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE FEELING OF DEJA VU.

AH, COME IN.

NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?

I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE FEELING OF DEJA VU.

AH, COME IN.

NOW, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE MATTER?

I HAVE THIS TERRIBLE FEELING OF DEJA VU.

Ripped & Corrected By mstoll