Original subtitles

The IT Crowd

- (Moss) Who owns the Infinity Gauntlet? - (Alice) Thanos.

What was Thor's father's name?

Odin. (chuckles) I'm sorry, Moss. I've really got to go.

Aw! Just a few more, just a few more!

No, no. I'm sorry. You've done more than enough.

OK. Alright, baby. See you later. Bye-bye.

- Wow! - Right?

That's an impressive knowledge of the Marvel universe.

I know.

Well, you've done it. You've finally found a woman I can do business with.

Yeah, no... Don't say things like that.

- I'm sorry. I'm just so excited for us! - No.

(Spanish accent) If you don't go in all the way, it doesn't really count.

- Oh! - (laughs)

Hey, red! Stand back, stand back. This one's mine.

I'm going to do everything for you, really nice.

Stand back, stand back! She's all mine!

Ooh. It's tight.

(giggles) You're so strong!

(classical Spanish music plays)

(milk frother hisses)

- Oh! _ Ah, yes, yes.

It's bubbling over.

(jug clangs)

It's on the house... for you.

- Oh, my God. - You inspire me.

- Have a great day. - I will. And you. Thank you.

Ciao.

- (baby speaks French on computer) - (scoffs)

Moss, have you seen this video of the baby speaking French?

It went viral at 10:30, Roy. Of course I've seen it.

I must have been in the toilet.

Ah, Jen, exciting nexus.

I've just uploaded the second episode of my board games review show.

Care to have a look?

That was fast.

Seems like only yesterday we had to sit through the last one.

- It was three months ago, Jen. - Really?

It feels like... it feels like it just happened. Roy, did you hear that?

Moss has done his board game review show again.

I'm not watching that. I'm not watching that again.

Jesus Christ! We don't have to watch it, do we?

We only sat through the first one the other day.

It was three months ago.

My God! Wow! It feels like it just ended.

It was so boring!

It was like being insane.

It was so insanely boring!

Roy's not a fan, but you said you liked it.

- Where did you get your coffee? - A new place.

- Any good? - Really good.

You specifically said and I quote, "You must show me the next one, Moss."

- Did I? Did I really? My God. - (phone rings)

Oh, if you'll excuse me.

That'll be my lady love from the seventh floor.

- That's going well? - Oh, yeah!

He's cock-a-hoop over this Sheila.

OK, so that'll be over soon then.

Hey, I'll have you know that Alice is nuts about me.

She thinks that I'm emotionally artistic.

Well, what does that mean?

Erm, well, she said that emotionally I was on the artistic spectrum.

I think it means that I'm...

...I'm creative about my feelings, you know,

and I'm more in tune with her wants and needs than most men.

Oh, she's rung out. Oh, shi... That keeps happening.

If I'd said I'd watch it, I suppose that's what I'm going to have to do.

That's the spirit, Jen!

Come on. Let's get it over with.

Now keep an open mind.

I know the first show was a bit "bare bones",

but I think you'll really enjoy my new episode or "webisode" if you prefer.

I don't prefer that. No one does.

Come on, come on! Sooner it starts, sooner it's over.

Game Board.

Game... Game... Game...

(all chuckle)

Game...

Board.

Game...

Board.

Game...

Board.

Board... Board... Board... Board.

Hello and welcome to Games Board. Today on the show we have all so...

- So, guys... - I've been playing...

What's coming up on the show?

- Guys? - I've been playing Ports of Essen.

A strategic trading game where each player takes the role

of a Danish fishing port merchant in the 16th century.

And for a change of pace,

I've been looking at the expansion to Textile Merchant.

Textile Merchant, Norfolk Edition.

Two games by Reiner Kiniksi?

Hold on to your hat. It's going to be a bumpy...

Let's talk about components.

Shouldn't we do rules before components?

It won't make any sense if we do it before the rules.

Don't forget to out this conversation.

- What? - Don't let the actual programme...

How long is this?

Even hearing it is bad. I... I need to stop hearing it.

Sorry, Moss, I-I-I can't do it. It's unbearable. Where are you going?

Oh, I'm jealous of your coffee.

You literally can't watch it?

I literally can't watch it.

So what can we do to make it better?

Well, I don't want to say anything that might hurt your feelings.

It's alright. I can take it, Jen. I'm a "big boy".

Well, as I say... it's slow. It's so slow.

OK. Good. It is a bit slow. We can work on that. Slow.

And I guess the other thing is that it's terrible.

- It's slow and terrible. - Yes.

If I had to describe it, I'd say it's a slow, terrible thing on the internet

that I could only watch for a minute.

- Is this helpful? - Er... (scoffs)...

Helpful!

(both) Could only watch it for a minute.

A lot to get our teeth stuck into.

OK, well, let's see if I can help you with anything else.

Erm, none of you are any good in front of a camera.

- None of us, yeah. - You've got really annoying voices.

The voices are a pain, yes.

I guess that's because you haven't any confidence.

No confidence.

I mean, if there's one thing you need, it's confidence!

It is confidence. Absolutely.

Well, Jen, I can only thank you, once again...

- And another thing... - I'm not listening anymore!

(both guffaw)

- Douglas, you're incorrigible. - I'm incorrigible?

You're Raymond Peterfellow,

owner of the finest lap-dancing establishments in Soo-hoo.

If anyone's incorrigible, it's you, you perfumed porno vampire!

(both guffaw)

"Perfumed porno vampire." I like that.

So you're thinking of having 500 of these travelling across London?

That's what I said.

Sexy and classy. And that's difficult to pull off.

This will get people talking, alright.

(chuckles) Consider me one happy shareholder.

Right. Oh, big party coming up on Thursday night if you're up for it.

Oh, damn, I'm supposed to be doing Secret Millionaire.

(bleep) it. I'll cancel. I'll tell my assistant.

Hi, Joan.

Jen. I'm not your assistant, Mr Reynholm.

I want you to cancel Secret Millionaire for me.

Wouldn't know who to call.

Just say anything. Work your usual magic.

Not your assistant. I am not your...

I'm sorry. I thought this was the toilet. Didn't this use to be toilets?

Yes, I moved my office here to be closer to the ladies' toilets.

I must get someone to take that sign down.

What's wrong with you, Ross?

- Er, small mocha, please. - Small mocha, please.

Okey-dokey

Or... medium.

Yeah, you know what? I've changed my mind. I think I'll have a medium.

So you don't want a small one?

Small is fine. Small is good, just as good.

So I'll... just...

Yes, that is what I will... I'll have a small mocha, my little man.

My good man. My good little man.

My good little man.

OK, coming up.

(milk frother splutters)

(clattering)

(grunts)

Got it? Yeah?

OK.

Fuck's sake.

Thank you for the virgin gin and tonic.

I suppose you could just call it tonic.

Yes.

So, Ross, how goes it in the world of computers?

Or PC world if you will?

We're all very happy, thank you, Mr Reynholm.

Very happy indeed.

Forget this "we" malarkey. I'm talking to you, Ross. Are you happy?

Very happy. Thank you, Mr Reynholm.

Look, I'm not your boss.

We're just a couple of guys, a couple of guys shooting the shit.

Now tell me the truth.

Well, I suppose, sometimes I do feel I lack a little confidence.

- (chuckles) - I know, it's silly.

No, I've just realised what a funny voice you have.

Now, Ross, I'm going to tell you something.

Confidence is a confidence trick. Look at me. What do you see?

A man who inherited his father's successful business.

- It wasn't that successful. - It was pretty successful.

A lot more successful than it is now!

Alright, alright! Just say the right thing.

Say the thing I want you to say.

Say, "A confident man". Just say "A confident man".

- A confident man! - I wasn't always this way.

There was a time when I was just like you,

but then I discovered the secret.

And, Ross, I'm going to tell you what that secret is,

but you must keep it to yourself.

I will take my ears to the grave.

Two words.

Women's slacks.

I'm sorry?

Women's slacks.

- Women's slacks? - Yes.

I'm Wearing women's slacks.

- You're wearing women's slacks? - Yes.

That's nothing like what I thought you were going to say.

- Is it not? - It is not.

I thought you were going to give me a book recommendation.

(guffaws)

Book recommendation? I can't read!

No, I don't know what it is,

but women's slacks give me the confidence I need

to survive in a tough business world.

They're lighter, airier and less constricted than men's trousers

and I'm pretty sure it doesn't make me a transvestite.

Look at that shit. Look at it.

I can't... How am I supposed to...? It's a...

It looks like he milked a cow over it.

Gosh, you're so fussy about coffee. It's very annoying.

It's ruined. He ruined my coffee.

Don't just chuck it like that.

He shouldn't be allowed to be a barista.

- Why not? - Because he's too small, Jen.

He's clearly too small to be a barista.

What?

You're being a bit of a small-person racist, Roy.

A small-person racist? That's not a thing.

You can't have tiny baristas, Jen.

For God's sake, the man works with steam!

I'm going to have to have a word with him.

- You will... have a word with him? - That's right.

About his height?

- I think he'd appreciate the feedback. - About his height?

That's not what people do, Roy.

I'm not people, Jen, and that's a good thing.

I'm not afraid to out through the bullshit!

I-I-I bet this is exactly what Alice was talking about.

Autistic!

She said, "Autistic." That's what happened.

No, I don't think so.

There's no "artistic" spectrum.

But she said I was...

Did she say it during an argument by any chance?

She did say it during a... She did say it...

You know what was weird, was we were having quite a big argument

and then suddenly, out of nowhere, she paid me that lovely compliment.

(phone rings)

Hey, baby!

Oh, oh, good, good, yes!

Er, sure. Yeah, I'd love to!

Yes. OK, well, I'll see you there.

What? Why? NO, it's...

Hello? Alice?

- That was weird. - What?

OK. So... what the hell is that?

She tells me that her grandfather died. She wants me to go to the funeral.

I say that I'd be delighted and then she hangs up on me.

- Her grandfather's funeral? - Yeah.

- That's what you were talking about? - That's right.

You sounded like you were being invited to Glastonbury!

Oh, funerals are sad.

You did not sound sad.

I wasn't concentrating!

Emotionally artistic? You're emotionally colour-blind.

Maybe I am emotional colour-blind. I was about to confront that little man.

(Jen) I know!

I was going to give him shit about his height.

I'm glad you realise now how inappropriate that would've been!

(chuckles) Yeah. I'll just leave him a note.

(classical music in the background)

I'm here on purpose.

Oh, yes.

I'm interested in women's slacks.

I see.

I'd like... Sorry. Hot ear.

I'd like to buy a pair of women's slacks.

For me. Not for a woman.

Oh, yes, well, that shouldn't be a problem.

- I'm not trying to look like a woman. - I understand.

I'm not a confident man.

Quite. Well, let's see what we can do for you.

- I don't know about this. - Oh, just ask them, Jen.

Me and Juan, we have a thing.

I don't want another splashy-splashy coffee from the teeny-tiny coffee man!

Peer woman.

No, no, no. Don't give her money. You're not supposed to do that.

I'm actually a person, Roy, with human feelings.

(both gasp)

What did you do that for?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I thought you were...

(mutters)

I don't know what to do. Here's £5. Do you want £5?

- (squeals) - I don't know if you want money.

- (shouts) - I'm sorry, I'm sorry!

- (screams) - I'm sorry!

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry. - What happened?

Never mind. Just go.

(rants)

What do you think?

I think...

You just sold a brother some slacks.

(woman) Help, help! Get off me!

No! - Let go!

(woman) You're a bully.

(Moss) I need to save that OK! woman, but I have no confidence.

(indistinct shouting)

(Moss) Haw.!

Thank you.

(baby cries)

Red! Come, come! No queue for you. Come on.

- Oi! - Hello, Juan. I'm with her.

It must be my birthday. I get to see you twice so quick.

Yes! Back again! Same as usual, please.

Could I ask you a huge favour and ask you to make Roy's coffee for him, too?

- I've been going on and on about you. - And I like what I heard.

Would that be OK? Would you mind?

No, of course. Anything for you, my sweet.

OK.

Slippery fingers.

(milk frother splutters)

(distorted classical Spanish music)

- Eugh. - Eugh.

- It's alright. - It's not alright.

Look, it looks like me with a beard.

(sighs) I don't want this. It's horrible.

Wha...

Oh, God! Oh... oh, my God!

- (shrieks) - I-I didn't mean to.

I don't hate you. None of this is on purpose.

(shouts)

Erm... what can I do? Let me give you some money.

- Here's £10. Oh, my God! - Huh?

I'm not with her.

- Oi! Oi! - Jesus!

- Did you write this comment? - No.

You've got a problem with smaller people?

I don't have a problem with small people, OK? I don't.

I just don't want you making my coffee.

Because you're bad at it! You're bad at making coffee!

You're too small! You're too small to make good coffee!

You know what? Up yours!

No! Little man, watch out!

- (horn blares) - (screams)

(reporter on TV) We being catted the viral video of the year.

A woman throws her coffee onto a tramp

and then a man has an argument with a small barista.

(Roy) You're just too small!

(reporter) The barista goes to cross the road

and is hit by a van with breasts.

The woman has been dubbed by various online commentators

as Coffee Tramp Toss Bitch has not been identified,

while the man known as Small Person Racist was also still at large.

Small people are not a race. This isn't Game of Thrones!

They're actually calling me a bitch on the nemrs.

- What the hell happened there? - How did you find out it was us?

It's all here in the weekly surveillance report.

What's going on, Joan? I expect better from my assistant.

I'm not your assistant. My name isn't Joan.

- What's your beef with the homeless? - I don't have any homeless beef!

Ah, so it's women you hate.

Well, that I can understand.

Whoa, whoa. You record our emails and tape our phone calls?

Alright, swam

If you've nothing to hide, you've nothing to fear.

It wasn't my fault, Mr Reynholm.

I would never throw coffee over a homeless woman.

And I would never abuse a small person,

Certainly not enough to make a van with tits hit him.

Although, I suppose I sort of did.

I sort of did my one, too.

It's frustrating that we did both of our things.

- Yes, it is. - Alright, spare me.

I was young once, but if this gets out,

this could deeply damage Reynholm Industry's ability

to make that product that we make.

- What do you want us to do? - Don't do anything.

Stay out of trouble and remember,

there are places lower than the basement.

Stop worrying, Jen. Nobody can make us out in that video.

It's like early footage of happy slapping. Relax.

(Jen) I can't relax. It's alright for you.

I have plans. I want to get up there.

I will not be a social piranha.

A when, new?

- Jen, take a look at this. - What is it?

It's the new-look Game Board.

200,000 views?

It's a bit different.

(explosion)

Check it out. Game Board.

Shut the fridge. It's...

- Game board. - (bleep) Game Board!

Say what?

Wow! You all seem different somehow.

Yes. We're all wearing women's trousers.

M. Right.

Hey, what's going on? It's G-G-Game Board.

- He is... - Newton Sinclair.

- This guy is... - Roger Booth.

And I guess I'm still Maurice Moss.

Are you wearing the trousers now?

I couldn't wear them all the time, Jen. I'd have a heart attack.

No, they're safely locked away in my fortress of solitude.

You know, it's funny, when I wear them, I'm a dynamo.

A young Leonard Kravitz. People hanging off my every word.

And then as soon as I take them off, I'm just back to being the same...

She's gone, hasn't she? She's... she's gone.

- She went quite a while ago. - Yeah. Oh, Michael Buble's here!

No, no, it's a funeral, Moss.

I have to go to this funeral for Alice's grandfather

and I'm not looking forward to it.

Funerals are pain in the crack.

Even in the best of circumstances, they're no picnic,

but now I've got Alice on my arse, like the emotion police.

So I'm going to have to look convincingly sad

for the majority of the day.

Eugh!

She's not going to expect me to cry, is she?

No.

What if she does? I can't cry on cue! What do I do then?

Do what I do when I need to cry. Use a mild pepper-spray solution.

Now that makes sense. See?

That makes more sense than having to feel something.

Do you have any of that stuff here?

Why do you think we have a mini-fridge?

Good evening.

- You've got quite a lot of it. - I suppose I have made quite a lot.

And what's in here?

Just Tabasco, wasabi and a bit of tear gas.

Those sound like bad things to put in your eyes.

It's extremely mild. It's mainly water.

- OK, I'll take it as a last resort. - As a last resort.

- In case I'm out of my emotional depth. - There you go.

Alright. Thanks Moss. Bye! - Bye!

Oh, don't forget to add the water.

(bell tolls)

(organ plays)

Oh, poor Pip Pop. (sniffles)

Sorry, what?

Pip POP-

(chuckles) We always called him Pip Pop because he was so short.

All of my family on that side are really short.

Is that right?

(sobs)

Oh... Oh, Alice.

Shh.

Oh!

- Roy, are you alright? - Holy...

Yeah, it just... really hurts.

Oh, Roy.

Oh, it hurts way more than I thought it would.

I know, I know.

Fecking hell. Oh...

Oh, Christ! Why is this happening?

(reporter) Will we ever find out just who this person was?

(man) With current technology we can't de-pixelate the picture,

so it's very unlikely we'll ever find out

the identity of this dreadful ginger cow.

(matters) What the fu...?

- Oh, are you still crying? - I don't seem to be able to stop.

What's happening now?

One of the pallbearers wasn't able to make it.

- Oh. - Look, I know this is a bit weird.

Do you mind stepping in?

- I'm happy to! - Oh, thank you.

I mean, I'm certainly happy to. Yeah, for Pip Pop.

(whispers) That's fine.

Hi. Thanks so much for helping us out.

No problemo!

- Hey! - Hi, there.

- Hello. - Oh, there's another one. Hi.

- Are these the pallbearers? - Yeah.

Oh, God.

So you... you guys and me, we're going to carry the coffin together?

Yes.

We are going to put the casket on our collective shoulders?

And walk in a straight line with it?

No, it didn't go well, Jen. It didn't go well at all.

I mean, thanks for asking, but, no, it wasn't a success.

It wasn't a successful funeral for me.

It didn't have the required gravitas.

Gravitas? No, no!

It wasn't very dignified.

It wasn't dignified at all, Jen, no!

If I had to pick a word to describe Pip Pop's final journey to the grave,

it would be "funny".

It was so funny, Jen!

And, of course, I tried not to laugh and I tried to put other things in my head,

but every step that we took

was a fresh reminder of just how funny the whole thing was!

You didn't laugh, did you?

I laughed my hole off!

I can't believe she's still with you.

Yeah, I suppose, but, I mean, I'm hanging on by a thread, Jen.

I think I'll just get through it as long as nothing else bad happens.

(phone rings)

There's the phone now.

(reporter on TV) The new footage has led to the pair being identified,

Jen Barber and Roy Trenneman,

both employees at Reynholm Industries.

What the hell were you thinking?!

I told you to keep a low profile and you do it again!

No, no, no, no, no. It's new footage, Mr Reynholm.

Bum your excuses!

Reynholm Industries has a reputation to uphold!

We're not News International, for Christ's sake!

I'm going to have to do Secret "Pissing" Millionaire now

just to undo your damage!

And I'm missing out on a massive tit party!

And you're no longer my assistant!

(groans) I'm furious.

And I'll tell you something else, when I return from the estate, it's...

(clicks tongue and grunts)

...for you.

(sighs)

- (Phone rings) - (gasps)

Oh, hey, baby.

Oh, yeah, of course!

Yeah, no, absolutely!

Alright, OK. Bye-bye!

- She left you? - She did, yeah.

(Channel 4 News theme tune)

As the identities of Coffee Toss Tramp Bitch

and Small Person Racist are finally revealed,

we at Channel 4 News ask, "What the hell is wrong with people?"

I've got a lot of new followers on Chitter.

Loads more followers, yep.

They're all very abusive.

Oh, they wish we were dead.

- Wait. - What?

Chitter. We can use Chitter to explain ourselves.

Yeah!

Chitter is the perfect place to explain a complex situation.

Yeah, I know that.

"I didn't mean to throw coffee on that woman. I didn't know she was there."

"I went back to try and find her, but..." Oh...

- Too many characters. - Yeah, too many characters.

Got it.

"Hate the homeless."

And I suppose I hate women too“

- Send. - Whoa.

Mum.

- Yes. - That didn't sound so good.

People get the sense of it. That's the thing about Chitter.

It's best if you're conversational and off-the-cuff.

Here it is.

Oh... You didn't put a question mark after the first sentence.

You don't need to use proper grammar on Chitter.

What you've chitted here, Jen, is,

"Hate the homeless. And I suppose I hate women, too. LOL."

(chuckles) Yeah! Phew! I'm glad all that's over.

(groans)

(in Japanese)

(guffaws)

(screaming)

(muffled male voice)

...and then laughed it on Chitter...

You're loo small! You're just loo small!

You're too small, too small, too small...

...which then leads to him being hit by a van with tits.

And now Anonymous are after us.

Well, that's just ideal!

Oh, a bunch of nerds sitting at their computer. What can they do?

We pissed off the internet, Jen. The internet is coming to get us!

- Well, let's get it before it gets us. - What are you]?

Oh, I don't want Anonymous after me!

I'm "inanonymous"

I think.

Let's hide it.

What?

The internet.

Oh...

Because we told you that that was the internet?

Yes.

And we never told you that it wasn't the internet?

- No. - Well...

The thing is, Jen... that's not the internet.

What's Jen doing with the internet?

- No, we're not doing that. - Oh!

Crickets!

Alright, Mo, don't be scared, yeah?

We're all friends here.

Tell Dougie your story.

Erm, OK, but who is he again?

Well, I'm just your average social worker.

Yes, just in the area having a look around.

Please just pretend I'm not here.

Do you have anyone come round and help you and stuff?

Granddad sometimes, but he's hardly around.

What about your dad?

- He's never around either... - (phone rings)

Sorry, my friend. I'm going to have to stop you there. I must take this.

Reynholm! What? Well, increase the bid.

I don't care what I said the ceiling was.

I want that artwork by Madonna.

Now 22 million is the minimum, but I'm happy to go to 50.

In fact, make 5O the new minimum. Yes, yes!

No, I can't talk right now.

I'm doing Secret Millionaire.

That's very sad.

Do you want to shut up? We're filming Secret Millionaire

Check your privilege.

How am I finding it so far?

To be honest with you, it's not as god-awful as I thought it would be.

The people have been terribly nice. They're actually quite clean.

And I have been invited to a party this evening.

The last party I think I ever went to was when Elton John's dog had a baby.

(drum-and-bass music blasts)

No, I tell a lie. The last party I went to was when Conrad Black got arrested.

Conrad Black? Who's that?

Oh, no one. Just an old friend. Let's get in there.

Yeah, sure.

So I thought with Game Board's increased viewership,

perhaps it would be a good place to put my side of the story

and show the world I'm not the monster I'm currently supposed to be.

Boo! Boo!

Can you not boo me, please?

And that is a horrible T-shirt.

So the question everyone is asking, Jen Barber, do you hate women?

Oh... (laughs)

- Thank you, Jen Barber. - Did they hear me say no?

Coming up, what was it like to be a 14th-century grain merchant?

I don't know if that was clear.

It's these trousers. They keep making me want to move on to the next item.

It's better broadcasting and the slacks know it!

- Coming up... - Stop saying, "Coming up."

- Next... - I don't know if I made my point!

(shrieks) Oh, gosh!

Oh! Oh, my god!

Richmond, do you work here or not?

(low voice) Well, I don't get paid, but I like to come in.

So that Goth2Boss thing didn't work out?

Does it look like it worked out?

Anyway, how have you guys been?

(groans) Everyone thinks I'm a misogynist.

Roy lost his girlfriend because he's emotionally colour-blind

and Moss is wearing trousers that make him good at telly.

Any gossip?

So what's going on with you?

Oh, you know, keeping busy. Voiceover work mainly.

Really? How did that happen?

Someone just noticed I had a beautiful voice.

Oh, Richmond. Things aren't going well at all.

Well, just get in there.

It's just not the same when you guys aren't together.

Anyway, if you want me, you know where I am.

I don't, though, Richmond.

Don't lurk!

- Where did he go? - Where did who go?

Does it ever seem to you that the things that happen to us

are sort of... strange?

How so, Roy?

Well... remember when I had to pretend to be disabled

and I ended up in Manchester?

That wasn't a normal thing to happen, was it?

Or when you ended up spending the night in that arcade machine.

That was odd.

Yeah, I suppose those were unusual events.

And this is strange.

What's happening to us right now is strange, isn't it?

Well, at least it'll all be over soon.

Douglas is bound to fire us when he gets back.

Oh, come on, guys! This isn't us!

Are we just going to sit here and take it?

What do we normally do when we get into a scrape?

We make things worse and worse and then it ends.

- We don't. We stick together. - That doesn't sound like us.

- Where are you getting that from? - Come on. Who are we?

Who are we? I want to hear you say it!

- We're the IT... - We're the IT department.

You're goddamn right we are!

- Are you wearing women's slacks? - Yes, I am!

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

Let's get into a car and cruise around!

How to get into a car? Smash a window. Great idea!

Yes. That's the one!

I'm such an idiot. I've got a robot hand.

Hang on a second. This is my car!

(dance music blasts from car)

Mm-hm!

(classical music on player)

(rock music on player)

(siren wails)

Oh, shit! Whoa, whoa, whoa. It's alright, everyone. Be cool.

I'll handle this. Take that.

(siren wails)

(voice ever police radio)

(posh voice) It's alright, Officer. I'm doing Secret Millionaire.

OK. Come on, come on. Come on, people. Come on, come on.

What's going on? Come on. Come on, people.

How long has he been wearing the trousers?

He won't take them off.

OK, come on, come on. What's going on, what's going on?

- We don't know what's happening. - OK, OK. Come on.

To every problem there's a solution. What's our problem here?

Everyone thinks I'm a cow who hates women.

You're a cow! That's right!

Terrible cow. Women. OK.

Roy, hurt me.

Erm, the woman I love thinks that I hate small people.

Small people. Thank you, Roy. Small...

I'm probably going to die alone in front of computer pornography.

I'll just draw a sad face.

(Roy) Sure.

OK, so what do women

and small people both like?

What do they both like? What do they both like?

- Chairs. - Films.

- I really don't know. - I'll tell you.

- They seem like very different groups. - Very different groups.

Not being attacked.

They both love not being attacked.

Well, I-l can't speak for small people, obviously, but as a woman,

I certainly like not being attacked.

- Where are you going with this, Moss? - I'll tell you exactly, Roy.

I'm saying we use this brief window, while Douglas is away,

to produce a pepper-spray solution for small women,

using that stuff I gave Roy earlier.

That sounds really weird.

"Jen Barber, not a hater of women, but their defender, their champion."

I love it now!

And I can do a massive presentation.

A self-defence pepper spray for small women suits my purposes also.

It will show Alice that I care and, as a woman with small relatives,

she's sure to come to Jen's presentation.

You know, when I first stocked that mini-fridge with pepper-spray solution,

I thought I'd made too much.

But only now do I realise

that I'd made exactly the right amount for our current purposes.

It almost seems like it's too good an idea.

You see what we can do when we work together? With my business acumen...

- My scientific know-how... - And I'm also here...

We can do anything!

(all cheer)

I need a trouser break!

You coming, Roy?

No, I-I can't seem to get the wording of this speech to Alice right.

You're doing a speech?

Yeah, I need to show her that I'm not emotionally colour-blind.

I'm actually a very sensitive human man and she needs to know that.

Ooh, what's a more romantic word for "knockers"?

A more romantic word?

- Come on, guys. Let's protect women. - Erm, I'll meet you up there.

- Good luck! - Thanks.

Eartha Kitts.

Right. Is everything ready?

Well, I've got the posters up

and I've put gift bags with pepper spray beside each chair.

I think it was a master stroke to put the spray in these elegant bottles.

Why not look stylish while you defend yourself?

Something's bothering me, though.

Are we missing something that's very obviously wrong with this idea?

I really don't think so. Oh, look, here comes everyone.

Perfect.

Hello and welcome to this very special presentation

for women by a woman, me, a woman, who loves women.

By your seats you'll find a gift bag and in that gift bag

you'll find our very exciting new product.

- No, don't do that. - (audience screams and gasps)

No, no, no, you're not supposed to...

- (screaming) - (Alice) Roy!

Alice! Yes! I have some things I have to say to you!

- No, I need to go. - No, you are going nowhere!

"Now, I know in the past

that you have accused me of being emotionally colour-blind.".

- (screams) - Shh! Shut up and listen!

"But now I've changed. My sight is perfect."

Now I know what was wrong with the idea.

"And with your sweet lips and, of course, your lovely bangers,

I know you're the one for me."

(sobs) I'm in terrible pain!

Oh, me, too, Alice. Me, too. But that ends now. It ends now.

- (Alice sobs) - (camera shutters click)

Well, that could not have gone better!

Oh, no, Roy, that didn't go well at all.

Oh, right because we're going to lose our jobs. Sorry.

- (screams) - Hell's teeth!

(Jen) Mr Reynholm...

So, that's the thing. I gave the boy the can of lager,

so technically I'm guilty of corrupting a minor.

So it's the reason why I bought the tramp uniform.

and I've had to make myself scarce.

So you need somewhere to hide out?

Yeah, somewhere off-piste.

- Somewhere where no one will find you. - Bottom of the world.

- You can use our office if you like. - Whoa!

I'll need someone to take care of business upstairs.

We're not doing anything.

Well, this is perfect.

My wonderful assistant, Joan, and her two friends, Ross.

I'm going to go and piss around on the internet,

but actually I'll need some food.

I've already eaten one of the toys in here.

Did he just say what I think he said?

I wasn't really listening.

Is this...?

Is what's happening good nomr? Is this...? Is this good?

Yes, it's a very good outcome.

Oh, my God! I think we've come out on top.

I can't believe it. We've come out on top.

(muffled male voice) Jen Barber.

(Jen) Oh, I forgot about you.

Oh, God, that's impressive. They're actually watching us.

Hey, mate, am I "inanonymous"?

Silence, Small Person Racist.

Greetings, Jen Barber. This is your sentence.

You've been found guilty

of the most appalling lack of basic human kindness and decency.

(knocking at door)

Elm.

- Shush, you. - (door opens)

(muffled voice) Peter, what are you doing?

Shut up!

- You've been here for hours. - I'm doing something. Go away!

Peter, your mum and I are wonted about you.

Get out of my room.

We a beaufifu! day. You need to get off this computer.

- No, I'm not. - Who is this? Are these your friends?

I'm sorry. Peter can't play anymore. He's coming outside.

(Peter) You said I could stay here as long as I wanted.

No, we said that you had to come out.

(Peter) You said I could use the computer for two hours every night

as long as I ate my dinner and did my homework.

I have eaten my dinner and done my homework.

I have earned my rights. I know my rights, Mum and Dad.

(groans)

(Reynholm) This internet's not working. I can't connect.

I... Just try turning it off and on again.

(Reynholm) Thanks, Ross.

(rewind playback)

(Richmond) Reynholm Industries is changing.

New opportunities, new faces, a new direction.

A better workplace environment. Exciting new products.

An inclusive hiring policy... I am sounding happy.

(Roy) Can you be a little bit more...?

- (Richmond) This is me being happy. - (Roy) Just be a bit more...

- (Richmond) I'm being upbeat. - (Roy) No, I just want you to speak...

Ah, forget it! Let's just stop!