Original subtitles

[hooves clopping]

[suspenseful orchestral music]

[unsettling electronic music]

Howdy, folks.

Bob is the name.

What brings y'all to my humble abode of gasoline?

Don't see too many city slickers out here.

For all you know, we just a few corn-fed hicks stopping

in from a few towns over.

Boys, stop giving this handsome man a hard time.

Why, you know, you're sweeter than vanilla honey sticks.

[groans]

Hey, Sandy.

What's that odor?

When was your last bathroom break?

Let's change, clean you up.

Just an accident, accident.

We figured that a trip out here could jog mom's memory.

She spent a lot of time when she was young out here.

And we need her to remember.

It's a big one.

Oh, look!

It's my lucky day.

Oh, I just found peanuts, pink peanuts I wonder,

is this one unsalted or is this one spicy?

[groans] Ooh, that's spicy.

[groans] I'm gonna need some more.

No, no, no, you can't do this.

[moaning]

I'm glad everybody was wearing nose plugs.

What y'all doing out here? Hey, y'all got cameras and shit?

What's up?

Small P in the motherfucking house!

Small P!

Come on over here.

Cut, cut, cut, cut!

What's up, baby.

Oh my god, it's been forever.

Sit down.

Excuse me, gentlemen.

Jim, it's very exciting that you are visiting with your Little P

here.

We're burning daylight.

We need to get the fucking show on the road.

You can talk to him another time.

Who the fuck is Small P?

Everybody know who the fuck Small P is.

Jim, if we keep wasting time like this every day,

we're never going to get anything done.

I quit.

All you care about is these homeboys here and smoking

that stinking peace pipe.

I'm not your homeboy.

He used to be a good director.

And now he's just a gamer.

- No, no. - I'm going home.

No, you-- you cannot.

I'm out of here!

I'm out of here! - No.

I want to go home!

I want to go home!

Mom, mom, mom, mom.

Mom, please.

You can't lose your home, Mom.

You gotta do this. - I'm sorry.

What's going on here?

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, Jim.

I'll be good.

No, I-- I'll be good.

No, I'll do what you want.

Yeah, I sorry.

I sorry.

Come on.

CREW MEMBER: Come on, come on, everybody!

We need to get rolling!

We're losing daylight!

Let's get back to work!

Ah, come on!

Damn!

You still think taking this job in the classifieds

was a smart move?

It's like a jackass factory out there.

I bet you not one of these idiots can even do a kickflip.

You want to save the shop, right?

- Yeah. - OK.

[exciting punk music]

[skateboard clacking]

Yes!

Yes!

Yes!

This will be a great fucking day.

[body thuds]

[exciting punk music]

[body thuds]

HOWARD: [sighs] [groans] Yeah!

Come on!

Get on that horse!

[imitating electric guitar] Yeah!

Woo!

Come on!

[ominous orchestral music]

[choir harmonizing]

Carissa, give me a $1!

Give me a $1!

I need a $1!

Armpit farts using a sock puppet is not an instrument.

What's up, asshats?

What's up?

And what brings the two of you out here on this fine day?

Did I hear someone say something about armpit fart?

Yay!

Armpit farts!

Armpit farts!

[armpit tooting]

Carissa!

My hand's all fucked up, man.

What are you doing?

[armpit tooting]

[groaning]

- [screams] - Oh my god!

Ah!

[screaming]

Oh, it burns!

My hole! My poor little hole!

[screams]

[flesh crackling]

[groaning]

[armpit tooting]

Oh!

[screams]

[suspenseful orchestral music]

[fluid plopping, sloshing]

[body thuds]

Mm!

That's good bum juice.

[slurping] [gargling] Best batch yet.

What the!

Hey!

Hey!

What do you think you're doing, you little turd bird?

KURT: Nothing! Nothing!

Hasn't anybody ever told you it's rude to watch?

KURT: No, no!

[whimpers]

No free shows!

You hear me? - I'm not looking!

I'm not watching! I'm not watching anything.

No free shows.

I got big plans for you. KURT: No!

No! No, no!

No! - [grunts]

KURT: [screams] What are those?

You're a real fucking cannibal!

No!

[groans]

KURT: My board! - Oh!

Ow!

Ow!

[whimpers]

Thanks for the new board, douche.

Enjoy your soup!

Blech!

[yelling] Hey!

Come back here with that board, you bonehead!

My daddy gave me that board!

He'll tan my hide if I lose it.

No!

That board has unholy powers.

[wheels whirring]

[whoosh]

Game over.

I'm in hot cheese now.

Now I'm stuck here on Earth.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: I know I was bad!

And I fucking loved being bad!

Where is it?

[overlapping chatter]

What do you want?

No.

No, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hey!

Hello?

You have entered an escape room with no exit.

Your actions on the earthly plane

have led to this predicament.

What the fuck is this place?

This looks more like a daycare center than an escape room.

You better watch that tongue, kid.

[scoffs] Or I'll send in some hungry sludge worms,

eat that tongue out of your mouth.

Sludge worms?

Where the hell is my board?

Your board has changed hands.

But all will be revealed soon enough.

Just so you know, no one ever wins in this escape room.

[chains clink, latch clicks]

[suspenseful music]

[groans] [whispers] They can't all be locked!

[laughter, applause]

DANTE: [cackles maniacally] The pain of it all!

[laughter]

Come visit me, son.

There is nothing to fear.

[cackles]

[groans]

You can trust me.

I used to be a game show host in the surface world

until I killed everybody in the studio

for looking at me cockeyed.

Yeah!

[applause]

Holy shit.

No swearing on this show.

We are live.

And our sponsors won't like it one bit.

[game show theme music]

Well, folks, welcome to your favorite game show, Escape Room

From Hell.

[cheers, applause]

As always, I'm your host, Dante A. Today we

have a special guest with us.

His name is-- hmm.

[groans] What's the deal, pecker head?

What is your name and why are you here?

I'm Kurt.

I'm looking for my fucking board, man.

Have you seen it?

I said no foul language here!

[audience exclaims]

Hey, gent, is this the board you're after?

[laughs] If you want it, you better come and get it.

[laughs]

Oh, god.

Wait, come back!

I'll damn you for exposing my shame, you motherfucker!

DETECTIVE: This just doesn't make any damn sense.

Human beings don't just turn into primordial ooze,

not without at least some sort of blunt force trauma.

Maybe someone's out here spraying

down the homeless with a squirt gun full of acid or something.

You wouldn't know this about me,

but I'm an amateur archeologist.

And to my eye, this looks like an ancient artifact to me.

I'll go ahead and see if I can find

anybody who might be able to help identify

the owner of this board.

I feel like it's an important clue.

I feel like it's our only clue.

Bag it up.

[bag rustling]

[door creaks]

[gasps]

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

Any disgusting concoction you think of can become a drink.

[cackles]

What?

Like a diet soda with easy ice?

My boy, you're thinking too simple.

More like an ear-worm elixir or a maggot martini.

Or my favorite-- bile duct Bloody Mary.

Just make me a slippery nipple.

I could use a drink, I guess.

My throat is dry as hell, so.

Eh!

Ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.

[laughs] Ah, ah, ah.

There you go, my boy.

You let me know how it tastes.

[screaming]

[thunder rumbling]

[groaning] Dude, this is no bueno.

I've never been away from my hell home for this long.

[somber music]

I usually only skate up to the surface on a day trip.

You know, I thought I was perfectly clear.

Number one, I didn't want anybody making a mess on my set.

What do you think this is, a farm?

And number two, I told you shooting porn on my set

is strictly prohibited.

This is not porn.

This is just weird people touching each other.

If I find the crew member that's

been eating trash and collecting turds out of the john

one more time, I'm going to kick their ass.

[utensil tapping]

I hope you're all enjoying this evening's

food I prepared for you all.

Due to the amount of country that you all possess within you,

I have rubbed my nuts on every single cup and utensil

that you have put into your unsanctimonious mouths.

[panting] [sighs] [grunts] Let me out of here!

Oh, fuck, the guy in the straitjacket was right.

I'm not getting out.

[skateboard pops]

Ow!

You-- you brought me here, didn't you?

Maybe you can get me out.

Fuck, here goes nothing.

[suspenseful music]

[portal booms, body thuds]

For Satan's sake, how did both of you let that kid escape?

Nobody ever escapes.

He defiled me.

How dare him!

He's not gonna get away with this.

I'm gonna get him!

Yeah, well, he splashed me in the eyes with toxic squid inks!

The boy will be back.

Nobody stays out for long.

Should we let the big man know?

You mean the record keeper?

You think getting pantsed, it was bad?

The big man will turn you into pants.

All right, girls, now, how do we make holy water?

Get water.

Put it on the stove.

And cook the crap out of it.

No, it's boil the hell out of.

Boil the hell out of it.

Have any of you guys seen this skateboard around?

Sir, you seem a bit nervous.

Are you feeling all right?

I'm one of the good ones.

You can trust me.

It's just that when a man in uniform confronts me,

I get flashbacks of military academy.

Our father's innocent, officer.

The AC in our car is broken.

Yeah, he wouldn't hurt a fly.

He makes me kill them.

Sir.

Sir, sir, come here, come here.

You know, running away doesn't exactly make you look innocent

now, does it?

Look, sire, I used the immortal blade

to cut deep this time.

You could see the muscles and the veins and everything.

[suspenseful music]

[groans] [sighs] That's nice, Aleister.

You see, my son Howard didn't come home for supper last night.

He could be beneath the floorboards of my old house.

[chuckles] You know, there were some, uh,

local neighborhood boys who accidentally got trapped there.

They used to mow my lawn.

Ever since I gave him that infernal skateboard,

he's been acting like a common human being.

You shouldn't coddle him so much.

Howard was bound to spread his fallen angel wings

one of these days.

Look, sire, I removed a pinky just for you and--

How many times do I have to tell you, Aleister?

I'm not in the mood!

But I thought you liked it when there was blood and guts.

That's it.

Security!

Take him away!

You heard the big man, chump.

Let's take a walk.

Yeah, let's get some nice hell air.

But we're having fun.

I'm trying to entertain.

SECURITY GUARD: Who gives a fuck?

Holy shit!

Man, what kind of board is that?

- That thing is dope, bro. - Where'd you get that?

Sh, sh. Calm down!

Calm down! - You gotta let me ride that.

No, no, no, no, no, you don't get it.

I've got a story to tell you, man.

I've literally been to hell and back.

Hell and back, huh?

That sounds like my early morning ritual.

You know I stay on that gas and dust it, brah.

You keep that shit up, you're going to be

in a padded room for life.

My drug of choice is EDM festivals.

[beat boxing]

Sorry, Ruby, we can't all get high on life, all right?

Some of us need something a little bit stronger.

No, listen, man!

It's this board!

It's got some kind of unholy power.

It can send people straight to hell.

I'm serious.

I think I stole it from a demon.

He drank people through a straw.

The only thing I notice about that board

is it's lumpy and ugly.

I can prove it!

So, Aleister, sorry we had to rough you up a little bit,

but the devil's had it up to about here with his most

little unbegotten son.

Oh, I mean, mistakes were made on both ends.

You know, I never did ask the rest

of you what you're all doing down here

working for the big cheese.

I'd really like to hear that.

Well, I can go first.

Virgil, as you know, we were partners up there.

I was turning perps into Swiss cheese,

and he was chewing up raw steak.

But then we went in, guns blazing and--

to this drug bust gone bad.

Well, you know, I don't think we should have

had an open casket funeral.

That was a big mistake.

Lot of bullet holes.

Yep.

That's the thing, you know, murder is, uh--

isn't just a sin with--

with bad people.

It's still a sin with--

with innocents.

You know what I'm saying? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Hmm.

OK.

Next?

I used to run college parties.

And I had the whole shebang.

I had-- I had a petting zoo and I had a DJ--

all the fun stuff.

Then one day the-- the--

the donkey made a little bit of a mess in the living room.

And the family refused to pay.

So I went back later on to gas their house.

Ended up exploding myself too.

Ouch.

I woke up here.

Wow.

Nice.

OK, so what about you, Judas?

Nah, how about Foley?

How about Foley?

What happened to you?

Well, I was in a bit of a pickle, boy.

I'd hide cameras in the ladies room.

One day, a female bodybuilder caught me

and threw me out the window.

Face ended up like ground beef.

And I got here missing my dingus.

VIRGIL: That must have been a real surprise the next morning.

So, Judas, what's your truth?

Why don't you regale us?

Um, I had an altercation at my school.

Things were said and a few heads rolled, including my own.

VIRGIL: Ah, sounds like a real gutter ball.

So stranger, Mr. Stranger, I don't recognize

you from when you came in.

I just dropped in.

My name is Christopher.

I guess you could say I had an eye for talent.

Ah, a shutterbug.

Did any of your stuff ever get published?

Just my mugshot.

That was after I was dead, of course.

Wow.

Well, you know, it's too bad you put your camera down.

Because we always could use a photographer

here to take pictures of the devil, you know,

make him look good.

People say he's standoffish and unapproachable.

But I don't know.

Soup's on!

Soup is on!

Delicious eyeball soup.

And might I add, the green Irish chunks are the sweetest.

You know what, Tom?

You come in here with this rusty cart with the squeaky wheels

every Satan-forsaken day.

And for what?

We don't want it.

We're not going to eat it.

It looks like shit.

Sir, I might add that up there,

I was the personal chef to Dr. Beef

Curtis and the Calibellends.

I think I know how to put on a spread.

Fuck it, I'm dead anyway.

Let me try one of your barbecue ear sliders.

All right.

Be careful though.

They are spicy.

[munches] [screams]

Wow, another satisfied sucker.

Why is my son such a disgrace?

I gave him life in this toilet bowl.

And I can flush him just as easy.

But it's not your fault, my liege.

You know what they're like when their horns start coming in.

[groans]

Those little demons--

[groans]

--they just rebel at that age.

[groans]

My Dark Lord, do you think it's time to send

a search party to the surface?

Not yet, but maybe after a full 48 hours.

That'll teach him.

I don't know, man.

It's this fucking board.

It's got some like, really evil powers, man.

Evil fucking powers, huh?

I'm so scared.

I'm serious.

Do I look scared? 'Cause this is my scared face.

I'm serious.

Fuck it, whatever, ride it.

Say motherfucking less, brah.

[energy whooshing]

Fuck!

Fuck you, Chase!

I told him this was gonna happen!

He couldn't just believe me.

Fuck!

Shit.

Shit Oh my god.

Fuck.

[energy whooshing]

Oh, yeah.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: What the devil did I do?

I think I'm home.

[distant arguing]

DISEMBODIED VOICE: It wasn't my fault, grandpa.

Pretty fucking metal.

This is exactly what I thought the devil's

asshole would sound like.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Why are you doing this to me?

I think I might stay awhile.

[suspenseful music]

Oh, no, no, no, no.

OK, nice trick, Kurt.

Now where's Chase?

He may be a dick, but he's our dick.

I told you, he's in his own personal hell now.

He might be back, but I still haven't

figured out how it works.

I just saw the most fucked up thing in my life,

even worse than when my cat Potato ate one of her kittens.

Marianne, how many times do I have to tell you

you're not supposed to drink bong water?

Nobody.

You know that skater who always used to give you melvins?

He vanished into thin air.

Oh, you mean, uh, Caleb Chase.

Yeah, it's funny, I told him if I ever saw him in my park again,

I was gonna brand his ass with our skate team logo.

He is so fucking dead.

Kurt and Ruby were there.

Maybe they can tell us what happened.

I wouldn't talk to those two shit stains if you paid me.

You know, I was going to take Ruby to Fiends Fest?

She stood me up.

She was doing her hair or something, some bullshit.

But I know what I saw.

Come on, we've got to check it out.

Come on.

[groans] Fine!

Get off me!

[belt snapping]

I'm gonna have a word with you.

Woody, you gonna forget me?

It's a two-for-one sale.

WOODY: Give him a good beatdown.

[belt snapping]

[suspenseful music]

Oh, shit, the board!

Ah, well, looka here, a board with wheels.

I thought we agreed you was gonna play

baseball, a real man's sport.

You're not my real father.

And I don't have to listen to you anymore.

Calm down, calm down, Woody.

It ain't like we're stuck in a box of Froot Loops.

You're right, Dill.

You want this board back, you little prick?

Come take it from me.

[strap thuds]

Oh, Foghorn Leghorn!

My dominoes just went down.

[groans]

Enjoy hell, motherfuckers!

WOODY: You're dead, you little prick!

[soft dramatic music]

CHASE: Where my hoodlums at?

Hey, hey, hey!

So how was your trip?

I think it's my turn.

Hell was lit as fuck, bro.

Yeah!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold on a fucking second.

There's a board here with some unholy powers,

you're giving it to daddy.

I've been praying to Baphomet since I was a tween, so.

Slow your roll, my necro, OK?

You'll get this board when you pry

it from my cold, dead fingers. - Oh?

Oh, hey, buddy, isn't that your favorite skateboarder,

Donny Vulture?

Yeah, weren't you, like, part of his biggest fan club?

Doesn't his wife have a restraining order against you?

Holy shit, that is the Vult Man.

All right, well, fuck you, guys.

I'm out of here to get myself a selfie.

[groaning]

[laughs]

Oh!

Stop acting like a turtle and get off the ground, buddy.

You're going to make our skate team look bad.

I can't.

My equilibrium's off!

You know I get dizzy.

Now get me a fucking ice pack!

It's my bad knee, woman!

Whoa.

Are you OK there, son?

What'd you do, pull a gonad or something?

While you're here, have you seen this board around?

[winces] All right, all right.

Here, take my hand.

I'll help you up.

[groans] Fuck you.

[farts] Oh, I guess those spicy tamales were a bad idea.

Sorry.

Come on, motherfuckers.

I heard the skatepark's this way.

Screw you, dickhead.

I'm the leader and I'll say what I want.

You're not even my fucking dad.

Great.

Getting told off by a 12-year-old,

what is my life coming to?

Boys will be boys, Albert.

You know what they say.

Social media is rotting young kids' minds.

[chuckles] Back in my day, we didn't even have cell phones.

Yeah.

How old are you?

100?

Hey, that's enough, man.

Come on, respect your elders.

Yeah.

Don't you have some mysteries to solve

with your Great Dane, Groovy?

I can feel my life force draining.

Why are you doing this?

[screaming] [groans]

[laughs]

Why are you doing this to me?

Because this here is mutant country.

Ain't no room for normies in it.

You're not even ugly.

Yeah.

Look at your eyebrows, they're gorgeous.

They're gorgeous.

If I don't kill you tonight, my brothers

ain't gonna eat supper.

I don't taste good.

I don't taste good!

I can't wait to rip his skin and eat it!

[laughs]

I can't wait to get to his footsies.

[sobbing]

You dipshits better not touch his nutsack.

[screams]

I need it on my leathery tits.

They're getting dry in the sun.

[laughs]

[toy gun firing]

You folks see this big, ugly, hairy bastard

around these parts?

I've been tracking him for years, no luck.

This guy isn't part of the script.

Jim, are you asleep?

Huh?

Oh, I'll allow it.

I love improv.

Well, I don't.

Let's get this guy out of here.

Junior, are you ready for your daily lesson for your reading

assignment last night?

I don't read books.

I fucking burn them.

Come on, guys.

You said it was my turn to try the skateboard.

Stop it.

It's really evil.

We don't even know how it works.

[indie rock music]

Hey, trust me, you don't want none of that.

(SINGING) Don't bring me dow, ow, own

Bring the casket

It's like it's reading my fucking mind.

Where are these motherfuckers?

Hello!

Is anyone working today?

I mean, I'll gladly steal some wax and some grip tape, if not.

Hey, kids, welcome to the shop.

What brings you in today?

I'm looking for Kane.

Is he here?

Where is he?

We wanted to ask him about this cursed skateboard.

Cursed skateboard?

What did that used to belong to, a crocodile?

Sorry, kids.

Kane's on a film shoot today.

Some mutant horror movie called Leather Teats.

Leather Tits.

Teats.

Leather Tits.

Oh, these horror movie titles are getting worse and worse.

[shop bell rings]

Oh, Mama Kat, we're back for some new boards.

Awesome. Let's get you fixed up.

What did you have in mind?

My basic setup of a hot pink board with some loose trucks.

Just be careful on those big hills.

How about your friend there?

I want a skateboard with some sick graphics.

I'm thinking maybe a unicorn surfing a rainbow

with a pentagram on his ass.

Sounds cool.

Take a look around, if you want.

(SINGING) You took advantage of my heart

Don't believe us?

Watch this.

I can prove this board has powers.

Great, here we go again.

[tense music]

[energy whooshing]

Oh! Oh!

Oh!

That was bitchin'.

That was bitchin'.

Uh, it sucks about your floors, though.

Buck, did you set this up?

Well, great.

She's gone.

I told you.

Where'd she go?

To her own personal hell!

Oh, no.

That girl is my only potential customer in over two weeks.

[sobbing] Nobody buys my dresses!

DISEMBODIED VOICE: [laughs] Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to kill her.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: I went to church.

I was a good fucking person.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Still here. Please.

[sobs]

[laughs] DISEMBODIED VOICE: I have money.

Please, take the money. - Bad ass!

[tapping]

Where the hell am I?

What the hell am I wearing?

Wow, how dumb are you, Ruby?

You only work at the best toy store in town,

and you're asleep?

What seems to be the problem here, ma'am.

This dumb little bitch, Ruby, is asleep at the counter.

And I want her fired now.

I didn't even remember I had work today.

I feel like I quit this job years ago.

That's a good one.

Nobody quits this job.

[rhythmic tapping]

[whooshing, splattering]

My dear Ruby, what are we gonna do with you?

[cackles]

Sorry, sir.

My head is somewhere else.

Mine too.

But you know what?

[hand thuds]

Just for that, you're gonna work all night.

No [lips smacking] lunch break!

Come with me.

I'm gonna take you to my back office

to teach you about customer and employee hospitality.

Ha!

Oh, yeah, you would.

[laughs] Ruby, come get comfortable.

Take a load off--

because I know I will.

No, thanks.

I think I'd rather stand.

No?

Suit yourself.

All the female employees, they ooze my sexuality.

Fat chance.

You're not my type.

How about you check this out?

Mini Godzilla.

Oh, my, that changes things.

Oh, yeah.

OK.

Yeah?

Close your eyes.

OK.

[screaming]

[knife slicing]

[groans] Why?

Is it because I made you work the night shift?

No.

I've wanted to do this for a long time.

I wish this were real life, but I guess hell will have to do.

See you never.

Nobody's choking on cock but me around here!

[gagging, coughing]

Give me that dick!

[sniffs]

[heavy metal music]

[munching]

Chase, what are you even eating?

Sustenance.

[gags]

[munching]

Where did you find those?

Don't worry about that.

Well, are you gonna to share?

Good.

So, guys, how long does it take to get

back from the underworld?

I mean, nobody really knows.

It could be minutes.

It could be hours.

I think it depends on how much emotional baggage you have.

Which varies a bit, really.

I have so much emotional baggage, I could sink a ship.

Yeah, well, I'm living in my own hell,

having a look at your pretty face every day.

Hey, guys.

Do you think she might buy a dress when she returns?

[energy whooshing]

CHASE: Oh, shit.

Well, there she is in the flesh.

Ruby, you look a little different.

What did you do while you were down there?

Kill somebody?

Something like that.

Yo, that blade is sick, son.

Let me borrow that.

You wouldn't want it.

It's covered in pervert blood.

[gags] I think I'm gonna be sick.

I can't stand the sight of blood.

Why do you think I wear elbows and deep pad--

[gags]

So, wait, what was it like for you?

Well, I was working retail, so there's that.

That's bogus.

Yeah.

Yoink.

Well, it's my turn this time. - No, no, no.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, man. - Wait!

You want a dress?

Have a nice trip.

[energy whooshing]

DISEMBODIED VOICE: [sobs] Come on.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Hands off my nuts!

[groans]

This place is bullshit.

DISEMBODIED VOICE: Stop smashing my balls!

It looks like a cheap Halloween walk-through

some haunt filter dreamt up.

I gotta tell Kane and Buck about this junk.

[soft dramatic music]

[coughs]

Ah, you look beautiful.

Let me wax your eyebrows.

No, thank you.

[laughs]

What about your Norwegian areas?

[laughs]

No, thank you.

But your work is marvelous.

Would you mind freeing my arms?

So you can leave?

I just thought if you untied my arms,

you could do my nails better.

Ow!

[gasping]

[laughs]

Ow!

What the fuck?

These are my real nails.

They're not glue-ons.

Let me go get some bleach so I can make 'em burn!

[winces] Fuck.

Shit.

Whew!

What the hell.

[laughs]

[liquid splatters]

[screaming]

Peace out, bitch.

I'm giving your salon a one-star rating, fucker!

[energy whooshing]

[heavy metal music]

Mommy is home.

[laughs] Jeez, Kat, your hair.

What about it?

It looks-- it looks nice.

I should find a mirror.

[screams]

I mean, it's only barely unsaveable.

I need to call my husband.

He's well versed in the dark arts.

Yes, Kane's the man with the plan.

That's who we've been trying to get a hold of.

I mean, Kane's a good dude.

He is the first person to teach me how to shred the gnar, brah.

(SARCASTICALLY) Kane.

Oh, Kane, he's so cool.

Fucking Kane.

Fucking Kane!

Hey, bro, who taught you to stand on a skateboard?

You're pushing mongo, for fuck's sake.

Hey, you mutant amateurs!

You choke somebody that long, you're gonna fucking kill 'em!

At least wait for the director to yell action!

JASON: That boy is turning blue.

Just like when I perform autoerotic asphyxiation.

Jason, how many times I got to tell you?

No one wants to hear that crap.

Listen, I can't even nibble on my wife's ear lobes.

Yours lets you choke your chicken

and put a belt around your neck?

Come on!

Someone sounds jealous.

What about butt play?

You know, when your wife introduces toys

into the bedroom, you got it made.

[overlapping chatter]

Uh, Jim, Max is not looking so hot.

I'm sure he's fine.

Walk it off, kid.

Rub some dirt on it.

If we got time, I know where we can hide the bodies.

It's a big desert out there.

I was a volunteer lifeguard at the local swim hole as a boy.

I can help.

[grunts] I'm up.

I'm up.

I'm-- I'm up.

Is anyone else here getting charged up?

Shit, must be a weak signal on that film set.

Just keep trying him.

Maybe his battery's dead.

[KEVIN KRIMSON, "LAST ETERNAL BLISS"]

Yeah, but did he even bring his charger?

Dude's so forgetful.

[scoffs] One too many falls as a young buck, if you ask me.

Shut the fuck up, fuck!

A little bit of a tongue twister there, huh, Kat?

[laughs]

So, listen, why don't you go grab me that board, all right?

I got a great idea.

You have two legs.

Why don't you?

Just do it.

Just do it!

Just.

OK, Shia Almost-buff.

Whatever.

Let me hold the dagger real quick, too.

No way.

You're gonna hurt someone.

Just you if you don't give me that shit.

I thank you.

Excalibur, I have the power!

Oh, boy.

Just don't slice your pecker off-- or do.

You wish. Follow me.

(SINGING) They want us to scare ourselves to death

Give us one last kiss

One last eternal bliss

They want us to scare ourselves to death

Chase!

Ruby!

Fuck!

(SINGING) Give us one last kiss

One last eternal bliss

Ding, ding, ding.

Hello?

What brings you two into the shop today?

Need some new nuts?

Nuts?

I don't get it.

To attach wheels to your trucks.

Dummy, you don't know anything about skating.

I bet you still mall grab your board.

What the fuck does that mean?

Mall grabbing is when you hold your board by the trucks.

Everybody knows that.

Whatever.

Look at your fucking hair, lady.

I guess she didn't get it.

You know, punk's dead. Huh?

- Eh. - Eh?

Eh.

[laughs]

I had a hair emergency, OK?

Yeah.

Just tell me what you want.

OK.

We're looking for a skateboard, OK?

I guess you could say it's a special skateboard.

I guess you could say it really takes you somewhere.

Do you know where we might be able to find one of those?

Not here.

Yep, nope, nothing like that at all.

Now, if you guys are looking for a board with uneven grip tape,

I'm your guy.

Otherwise, no sale.

They obviously don't know anything, buddy.

Let's go.

[indie rock music]

Are Pinky and the Brain gone?

I fucking hate those two.

I need to go find Chase and Ruby.

Oh, they took the fucking board!

(RAPPING) Punk-ass motherfuckers want everything

To be radio fucking friendly, right?

I don't even know what that means,

but I don't think that's good.

Do you guys have the equipment now?

I mean, last night you come here late.

You guys are my assistants.

The only thing you're here to do is

to help me plant the cameras to get

the upskirt beaver shots for the video we're

gonna sell to the deep web.

It's the only way to get me out of the fucking

jam I'm in right now.

Everything we have is in this fucking movie.

That's it.

So we need more moolah.

Do you get it?

The beaver is gonna save me, all right?

God save the beaver.

So help me plant the fucking cameras.

Do you think those beavers are hairy?

- I hope so, I hope. - Hopefully.

That's what people want.

The hairier, the better.

The more views--

Yeah.

--the more money.

I love hairy--

Hey!

Filming somebody without their consent, it's a crime.

We're not filming anything.

[stuttering] I'm testing out a camera for dad,

for-- for-- for Jim, my dad Jim.

Come on.

Come on.

We're not filming anything.

We're testing out equipment. Jesus.

I didn't even get to see no hairy beaver

or any kind of beaver.

Boys will be boys.

Jim, are you gonna reward that kind of behavior?

That's so immature, even for you.

Jim can't help it.

He's a boy in a man's body anyway.

Jim's no pickle boy, though I am surprised he has a son.

That's it!

That's it!

I've had enough!

Now, everybody shut the fuck up and get back to work.

You fucking hear what I'm saying?

Get it!

Shut up!

He's ruining my film experience.

Fuck.

Uh, this white makeup is looking pale as a ghost on me.

Listen here, movie mom, no one is going to be looking at you.

I am the star of this movie.

Like hell you are.

Did you ever share lines with Harrison Bronco?

No, I didn't think so.

Oh, this is fucking great.

How could you leave me behind like this?

This is fucking great.

Oh, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck. Fuck!

Ah.

God damn it!

Why!

I need better friends!

One's a fucking gas huffer, the other one's a murderer.

You did this!

There's no way they want to go back to hell.

There's no fucking way.

I don't know.

I just-- I got a weird feeling about this.

Like, what if news travels around hell

about what I did down there?

You think the devil gives a shit about what we did?

I'm serious.

There's got to be some way the devil

keeps track of his disciples.

Look, if the devil is real, he's

either partying with some hoes or he's scratching

his big, fat red ass.

I don't think he's thinking about us.

Why'd you want the dagger anyway?

I want to use it to kill my step-daddy.

Well, I hope it works.

But prepare for thousands of years worth

of hard labor if it doesn't.

Could it be any worse than this place?

Look, if I get stuck down there, you'd come for me, right?

You know I would.

That's all I need to know.

Someone needs to tell these demons I like to get busy.

Good luck, Caleb.

[THUNDERING ASTEROIDS, "SWALLOW YOUR SOUL"]

Hey, Kurt, baby, is that you?

What's the magic word?

ZACH: Police.

(SINGING) When I escape from the cell

Good evening, miss.

The name's Falk, Zachary C. Falk, homicide detective.

I'm in the area investigating an incident that happened recently.

You mind if I ask you a few questions?

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Do you recall your whereabouts two nights ago?

I was here in this shop.

I'm here every night.

It's so boring.

Do you recall seeing anything unusual or hearing anything?

Nope.

Same old, same old.

Oh, well, that's a good thing.

I'd like to show you a picture.

Does this board look familiar to you?

(SINGING) Rock and roll will swallow your soul

OK, actually it does.

Oh?

Really?

How so?

I feel it's relevant to this case somehow,

but I haven't really gotten any solid leads yet.

Well, it looks like one of the boards

my customers brought in a few weeks ago.

His name is Kurt, really nice kid.

(SINGING) Swallow your soul.

Can you think of any unique identifying features

that would help find it?

Kurt likes to sticker bomb the bottom of his board,

like a sticker collage.

I get it.

I look like I'm old, but I'm not really that old.

This job just ages you.

And I do know what a sticker bomb is.

Can you think of anything else?

Kurt also likes to put the wheels on his board

backwards to hide the logos.

That's really observant of you, almost like a super sleuth.

So, do you have any idea where I might

be able to find this Kurt kid?

I know that Kurt and his friends don't have a home,

but they do like to hang out at the skate park.

They like to hang out at the skate park a lot.

OK.

I spent quite a bit of time there recently,

but maybe I just missed them.

So if you can think of anything else that

might be helpful or want to talk about being a detective,

here's my card.

Thank you so much, Officer.

And, uh--

Nice meeting you.

And if you just want to talk or play with my pistol,

just give me a call sometime.

Oh, I can't wait to hold your pistol.

Well, you have a great night, beautiful.

Thank you so much.

Pleasure.

Looking forward to holding your pistol.

Me too.

[sniffing]

Oh, step daddy.

[crows cawing]

Step daddy, it's time to die!

Where you at, you inbred fuck?

Junior, are you ready for your math lesson?

I already told you, I don't give a fuck about math.

Teach me about the bombing of Dresden.

Fuck you.

[heavy metal music]

What the fuck, Junior?

(SINGING) I told you before and I'll tell you again

Fuck this bullshit!

It's not like I'm learning anything in fucking algebra.

This kid is fucking hopeless.

It's like, I'm fucking failing.

I don't give a fuck.

I don't fucking--

[pages ripping]

Fuck this shitty fucking book!

Hey, uh, does anyone want to play a card game?

It's, uh, in another language.

But I'm pretty sure I can teach you all.

Not now.

Thanks, dude.

I'd be up for a game of strip poker.

Um, well, unfortunately, it's kind of a family-oriented,

wholesome sort of game.

So it's not like that.

But thank you, though, Benji.

(SINGING) Put his vengeance on you any day

Control our lives

Oh, it's your turn, homie.

Oh.

That is all mine.

Strip it, strip it, strip it, strip it, strip it.

[gentle music]

Hello down there.

Can I help you?

When's the last time you had a warm meal?

Well, let's just say, I've been on an all liquid diet

since I got to town.

[chuckles] It shows.

You look like hell.

Aw, thanks for noticing.

Hey, would you consider going into the shelter with me?

They're very nice to people like us--

free food, free board.

The only thing not on the table is sex.

Whatever you say.

Well, good.

Come on.

Lead the way.

[groans]

You're gonna like it in there.

Come on.

CHASE: I know you hear me.

What you want to do?

You want to beat me again?

Fucking not feed me for days?

I'm not so little no more.

Abuse my mother in front of me?

You have any idea what you did to me?

You know what my life is like now?

A fucking addict, fucking sick all the time.

Fuck.

[body thuds]

[unsettling music]

[board thuds]

Hey, good luck getting out of here without your skateboard.

I think he was gonna use this dagger on us.

Yeah?

Well, let's see how well she cuts.

Yeah, have at it, boss.

Fuck you, man.

You know, I've been living in hell

for years because of your ass.

Yeah?

So why the fuck would you think this place would scare me?

Funny thing is, after you OD'ed, I thought

I'd never get a chance to tell you how much I fucking hate you!

[laughs] Good night.

[knife slices]

Edith, what did I tell you about bringing in strays

in the middle of the night?

He could be a druggie or a serial killer.

I'm so sorry, Dutch, but he looked like he

was really down on his luck.

I'm sure he's harmless.

Yeah, we'll find out.

Hey, what's your name?

My name?

Well, my earthly name is Howard.

But downstairs, they call me Haagenti.

Oh, yeah, he's crazy.

You done did it again, Edith.

So where can I crash for the night?

Well, if you behave yourself, you can

crash down the hall over there.

Man, this used to be a swingers club, but we go to bed here,

9:30 sharp.

Oh, and if you use the restroom

and you see the numbers on the wall, don't call them.

They're all hos.

I know that from personal experience.

So, what's for breakfast?

Well, if I'm in a good mood, French toast sticks.

If I'm not, plain oatmeal.

Hmm.

Well, I appreciate your kindness.

Nighty night.

I hope the bedbugs do bite.

[laughs] - Hey, wait, wait.

You see that bike over there? That's my bike.

Don't touch that bike. It's mine.

I'm the guard of the bike.

And this bike's clutch only moves for Dutch.

Nighty night.

Nighty night.

Well, home sweet home.

[gentle music]

[farting]

Ah!

Nothing like a good ass rip before bedtime.

Can't breathe!

Can't breathe!

Pull down the covers.

[gasping]

Dude, I'm sorry.

I thought I was alone in here.

This is Franklin's room.

I've been staying here since this was a swingers club.

Ah, man.

Well, how'd you like my gas?

You call that gas?

That was weak.

What?

If you wanted to have a fart fight competition,

you should have just told me.

[grunts]

[farts] There.

Oh, yeah?

[farting]

Nah, here.

[farts]

Oh, yeah?

[farting, grunting]

Ah!

Ah, my eyes!

[farting, grunting]

Franklin gives up!

I give up.

[laughs]

Oh, my eyes are burning.

My butt trumpet always wins.

[laughs] You'll be all right.

We'll get some salve or something.

OK.

Let's get some sleep.

Come on, Franklin.

You're my new best friend.

Hey!

Keep it down in there!

It's after 9:30!

Don't make me come in there!

Turn them lights out!

Oh, Dutch, what's all the racket?

Oh, he's making a ruckus in there.

[groans] Smells like shit in here.

Hey, Dutch, be nice to all those people.

Yeah.

It's tough out there on the streets.

Yeah.

Here, pull my finger.

[farting]

Oh!

[laughs]

Damn, it tastes like corn.

What did you have for dinner?

[laughs]

Oh, gosh.

[wheels squeaking]

Hey, hey.

Eat up, my Excellency.

How can you run hell on an empty stomach?

I'm not hungry.

I don't deserve to eat.

My son is still missing somewhere up there.

[sighs] Sir, if I may.

Do you remember the last time Howard went missing in the '60s?

It's just as long.

What was he doing?

He was picking off hippies by the Bay under a fake name.

And he came back.

He will come back.

You always know just what to say, don't you?

Now, pass the eyeball stew with extra garlic entrails.

Woo!

Oh, score!

Still a bottle of my favorite hot sauce, colon-destroying,

just like I like it.

Dark Lord, a young man has been murdered.

He's broken into one of our personal hell simulators.

They struck him down before his time.

Uh-oh.

That is not good.

An early death isn't properly recorded.

The man upstairs will chew me out for this.

As well as your son Howard has allowed his skateboard

to fall into the wrong hands.

How would you like me to proceed?

I think it's time for me to get off my big, red ass

and retrieve my boy.

But sire, hell will go to hell without you.

Who will run the trains and make sure that they are on time?

You, along with my personal security

guards, Virgil and Hogan.

You summoned us?

Reporting for duty, sir.

Yes.

It appears my son may be in danger.

I must visit the Earth's surface, sort this thing out.

You can count on us to hold the fort down.

Oh, yeah.

No funny business on our watch.

Good.

Mother Earth has given me a vision.

She says she will swallow Howard by the morning,

although she will not enjoy the taste.

[chuckles]

I can't take that chance.

Time for me to take matters into my own hands.

[mop sloshing]

This isn't doing anything!

[heavy metal music]

[spits] Hey, guys, I think I found

out how to track Ruby's phone. I think I know where she's at.

BUCK: Well, what about your partner in crime?

What's his name, Caleb Chase?

Chase? - Chase?

Yeah, he's not answering.

His phone's dead.

But those two are stuck at the hip.

They act like each other's keepers.

I wish I had a keeper.

Kane said we could come by the set later to show him the board.

Let's go find it.

I mean, the tracking app might be a dead end,

but it's worth a shot, so.

Hey, Kurt, I forgot to tell you.

Last night at the shop, the detective was snooping around,

asking questions about you.

I think you're a suspect.

Suspect?

That's fucking rich.

I've kept my hands clean since juvie.

Don't worry, Kurt.

If I see the cops, I'll give you a warning.

Thanks for the heads up, Buck.

Come on, Kat.

All right, good morning, everyone.

I hope that you all slept well.

Stop talking about me.

Time to get your grub on.

Um, Jane and I slaved over a hot microwave

to get you this breakfast.

I'm starving.

I hope they have quiche Lorraine.

I could be a Pop Tart myself.

Stop talking about me.

You know, I'm pretty happy with whatever

these guys throw my way.

When I was a runaway, I joined the circus.

And my ringmaster used to take my cotton candy daily!

Pal, take it down a notch.

We don't want to hear your whole life story.

I was a tightrope walker.

Yeah, and I got the stomach jumblies pretty bad.

It was embarrassing.

They got rid of me pretty quick.

Stop talking about me.

Hey, I'm really sorry about your face, Franklin.

It's just that sometimes my sphincter

doesn't know its own strength.

Hey, no skin off my face.

[laughs] Good one.

That's a good one.

I will win the next fart contest against you.

That's the spirit.

Awesome.

[laughs]

Maybe I'll put some more of this aloe vera on here.

Yeah, I think it's helping.

[winces]

This place is bullshit.

More oatmeal?

How will I ever make-- stay in my weight class

with these elementary school portions?

That's enough, Cage.

Now, I understand you're training

to be one of them fighters, but up in this place,

nobody gets a larger portion than the other.

Don't make me throw your ass out.

Please don't.

It's cold out there.

Yeah, I know.

But consider yourself up in here a lightweight.

Now, nobody gives me gluttony up in my shelter.

You hear that?

Amen.

Praise him.

No gluttony.

Praise him.

Where the hell did you come from?

I'm everywhere and nowhere.

It's wherever the good Lord leads me.

Well, aren't you something else?

Where's your sister?

Hmm.

Her and I are not speaking at the moment.

Oh, well, here they come.

Yeah, speak of the devil.

Look what the cat dragged in.

Hello, Sister Nancy.

How's it hanging?

You two are very late.

And, Sister, your habit is crooked.

And Father Maurice, you are very sweaty.

Well, we-- we weren't partaking in sinful acts.

No, I haven't thought about the male anatomy

since seminary school, unlike you, little heathen.

You'll be judged for your sins.

Oh, I hope so.

I hope hell is ready for Nun Nell.

These poor souls.

This place is quite a dump.

I think I need a tetanus shot.

You got something to say to me?

If you don't like the way I run my shelter,

you can just get out.

My bad.

This place is drab, but garish.

It's kind of like a brothel.

Well, that's because it was, Father.

And it's cheap rent.

Greetings, everyone!

I hope you're all prepared to be shocked

and amazed at the performance I'm giving later today.

My power to hypnotize will be put to the test!

[yells]

It says we're right here.

Oh, there she is, and the board.

You think she's just passed out maybe?

She doesn't look so good.

Where's Chase?

Who cares?

He's probably having a meeting with a Hat

Man in some drugged-out stupor.

He's so fucked up on drugs, he sometimes sleeps for three days

straight.

How does he go to the bathroom?

He pisses in a jar.

He learned it from a video game streamer.

Let's get the board and get out of here.

This place gives me the creeps.

Yeah.

[soft dramatic music]

Sorry, Ruby.

Now we can bring it back to Kane.

Let's go to the set now.

Yeah

[door opens]

[ominous music]

Hey, devil man!

You looking for some party favors?

'Cause I got the best booger sugar this side

of the northern hemisphere.

He's not lying.

My brother Ross, top supplier for the demonoids.

And he only cuts his powder with a little bit of baby laxative.

Damn it, Debbie, you weren't supposed

to actually say that part.

This is why dad had us whacked.

Well, do you think Satan really cares?

He looks like he eats nails for breakfast.

Actually, I do.

Now, if you kids will get out of my way, I have places to be.

See you later, Devil Daddy.

[distant wailing, moaning]

Oh!

I got one.

Mm.

Oh.

Mm.

Greetings, king of the bottomless pit.

Hey, it's me, your infernal bathroom attendant, Marty.

Would you care for a hotel or maybe a tasty urinal cake?

The used ones are the tastiest.

HELL DEVIL: Are you loco?

Can't you see I have a mission at hand?

[stutters] I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I should have known better not to interrupt

somebody during a good BM.

Bad, bad, bad.

Carry on.

Hey, the boss isn't here to do his business.

Actually, I am.

But right afterwards, Chuckles, Dagon, and I

are using this stall as a portal to visit the Earth's surface.

It is time to retrieve my son.

[footsteps]

[portal ringing]

[door thuds]

[coughing] Oh.

I forgot how shapeshifting does a number on my poor back.

Dark Lord, you look different.

Yeah, have you done something different with your hair?

I changed shampoos.

You two are fools.

Obviously, I had to take on a new form.

Do you believe I could walk among earthlings

looking like someone out of a Goosepimples book?

I suppose not.

The new look suits you.

Yeah, you have kind eyes, like somebody

you can trust not to gut you.

Enough with the compliments.

I'll get a big head.

We're here for one reason and one reason only--

to find my son.

Don't forget about the missing skateboard.

Are you implying I would forget about the board?

Listen, my body may have changed,

but I will give you a beating if you sass me one more time.

My mistake.

Where should we begin our search?

Not here.

[sniffs] I can't smell him.

All I smell is moose pies and cowboy nuts.

If Howard is still on this planet with his board,

this device will find him.

[gravel crunching]

Hey, man, snap out of it.

What's going on with you, Kurt?

Dude, you've been zoning out!

Hey!

What's your problem?

I don't know.

It's-- it's this board.

When you stare in its eyes, it's like it

tempts you with everything you ever wanted.

Maybe you shouldn't be looking at it so much.

Yeah.

What gives?

The board's not here.

All the coordinates are correct.

My liege, do you think she could be of some help to us?

I'm going to incapacitate her mental awareness.

We can't have any witnesses blabbing about us.

Be foolish.

Become foolish.

[energy whirring]

Oh, I like 'em crazy.

Can she be my new pet?

Come on, boys, let's go find the board.

EZRA: Can I get your attention?

Everybody, over here!

Welcome to the party of the century.

Yeah!

My name is Ezra.

I'm going to be your party emcee for the night.

When the devil's away, the fallen angels will play.

Am I right?

Am I right?

This party's kind of getting out of hand.

You think it's time to shut it down?

Why?

It's the most fun us demons can have, with or without pants on.

You know what?

You're right.

I think it's time to get a raw steak and chew on it.

[kissing]

[neck crunches]

[kissing]

[smacking lips]

Hey, guys, are you OK?

Do you need a lift or maybe a frozen fudge pop?

You're very kind to offer us dessert,

but we're still full from the mealworms we had here earlier.

Uh, you're not from around here, are you?

We're not.

We're from the Deep South.

Yeah, I can definitely hear the Southern

accent in your-- your voice.

[kissing]

Your girl looks a little confused.

Is she OK?

Oh, don't worry about her.

She's just lovestruck, seeing a hunk like you stop.

I'm just-- I'm just a TV repairman.

I-- I just don't like static.

Hey, is that a dodo bird over there?

[fist thuds]

[groans] [gasping]

[knife slicing]

Uh-oh.

Do either of you know how to drive?

Vroom!

Me race car driver.

[laughs]

No, sire, I only rode horseback in life.

Don't look at me.

Ever since that swing set hit me in the head,

I don't remember how to drive.

[laughs]

I guess we're walking, boys.

Let's go.

[spits] [chuckles] That's nice.

[whimsical music]

Howard, is it?

Do these floors look clean to you?

The grout in between these tiles is filthy.

I like it filthy.

Reminds me of home.

Yeah?

Well, that won't get you any extra oats at mealtime.

Dutch wants these floors clean enough to eat from.

That's not the only thing I've seen Dutch do on these floors.

Dutch is a reformed sex addict.

Don't be such an ass.

Can't help it.

He feeds us so many oats, I feel like I'm turning into an ass.

Yeehaw!

Yeah, well, Dutch used to serve surf

and turf every other night.

But he's a gambling addict, so food budget comes last.

Hmm.

He sounds like a real winner.

Bud, buddy, I'm glad somebody's a winner.

Because-- because the floor is not winning.

You're doing a terrible job.

Oh, right.

Doing my best, boss.

Watch, watch.

Give it to me.

Look.

The British way, pinky up and scrub.

Oh, let me give it a shot.

OK.

Pinky up and scrub.

That's kind of a sexual move.

It's kind of a-- kind of sexual connotations to it.

You know what I mean.

All right.

Just keep grinding.

I am a mutant MILF.

Yeah!

Oh, yeah.

MILF!

Yes, you're very beautiful.

What are you going to do to us?

Drain your blood!

[laughter]

You're sick and twisted!

I'm not twisted, the world is.

And ever since my mutant family was pushed from our home

with a pitchfork--

Oh, yeah!

Yes, mama.

--we have been seeking revenge.

Revenge!

When one of your little normies cars breaks down,

we get to teach you a little humility.

Break down.

[yells]

Ah, ah, ah, ah.

[growls]

Oh, an eye for an eye.

Yeah!

[clapping]

An for an eye!

[laughter]

I had nothing to do with your family being run out of town.

Norman.

Ha!

Him, yeah.

That one.

Mutants have been treated like lower-class citizens.

Yeah, citizens!

Well, it is time for the mutants to take over the world!

[mutants cheering, laughing]

Ha-ha!

Yeah!

Nice shoes.

[groans] Oh my god!

[entrails splatting]

[mutants laughing]

What's going on here?

Are you guys doing a bit of kidnapping roleplay?

Kinky.

Dude, help up!

She's fucking crazy!

Oh, shut up.

That's not even the safe word.

Can I join in?

You know, I'm--

Kane, Kane, where are you, Kane?

Kane?

KANE: Cut, cut, cut!

Damn it to hell.

Take it from the top.

The fuck you mean cut?

Man, that shit was pure magic.

Small P, are you stupid?

These two are not even part of the scene.

Let's do it again.

They're not part of the scene?

Barbara is the best part of this scene.

This whole film, every scene should be with Barbara.

She is like the cheese curds in the poutine.

Barbara is like the modern-day Brigitte Bardot.

[soft dramatic music]

[energy whooshing]

Oh.

It worked.

I'm back on Earth.

[sighs] And it's hotter than hell out here.

Thirsty.

Oh, yeah.

Ow.

Not supposed to hurt.

[slurping] [sighs] Oh, I feel a little woozy.

[body thuds]

[energy whooshing]

[groans] Some vacation.

[groans] I give up.

So what's the verdict?

Have you ever seen anything like this before?

You sell a lot of boards.

Never in my life.

This thing is tripping me out.

Really?

Let's take a look under the grip tape.

Good idea.

[skateboard flesh crackling]

Holy fuck!

I'm starting to believe this board really is cursed.

It's alive!

Really, John?

Word of warning, Kurt, get rid of this thing.

Whoever owned this before burns churches and worships Satan.

Oh, sick.

I love black metal.

Didn't you say it transported you somewhere?

Yeah, a little escape room.

It was like my own personal hell.

I got taken to a personal hell too, a beauty salon.

Wait a minute.

Did you guys say personal hell?

Damn, I've been touching this thing.

I got to go make a confession.

So what should we do with it?

Destroy it.

Nothing good can come from owning this thing.

Are you sure?

I mean, I could just take it home with me.

I could put it up.

No way!

This isn't a dream catcher.

This is a soul sucker.

This place is weak.

These pukes all deserve to die 10 times over.

If I still had my pipe-bomb-making kit,

I'd end this precious rager real quick.

Dude, what is your problem?

You having trouble finding your tribe?

Pop one of our pills.

Call it a peace offering.

You'll loosen up real quick.

Maybe try a less brooding look.

Maybe lose the sunglasses.

I bet you got beautiful eyes.

Let's show them all to hell.

Come on!

Don't touch the fucking sunglasses, man.

They're from Italy.

[energetic orchestral music]

Come one!

Come all!

Prepare your anus-- your brain.

I mean.

Because I am the Amazing Arnold.

And I have come here tonight to hypnotize your mind.

[cackles] Show starts in 10 minutes.

Please take a seat.

Yeah, just--

Do you guys think this man's legit?

I think it's all a scam.

So a friend of mine told me that a friend of his,

after a party, he was hypnotized by drinking

some spiked iced tea, spiked iced tea.

It's all smoke and mirrors.

Bullshit!

These guys prey on weak-minded people.

Once a hypnotist told me my dead goldfish

was in the afterlife.

And he wasn't mad at me for flushing it down the toilet.

You know, I've seen this guy in a movie before.

Yeah, some-- some crazy town where nobody drank

any coffee and all the baked goods

were like a toxic green color.

[dog whistle blowing]

Quiet down, everyone.

The show is about to begin.

He has a whistle.

He means business.

He means business.

Shh, nobody make a peep.

We need to make a plan to find the board.

Sire, what did you have in mind?

The tracker has gotten us this far.

The board is close.

We need to split up and find it.

But, Dark Lord, I haven't been apart from you

in half a millennium.

Yes, I know.

It's time to cut the cord.

Cord fun.

Jump rope.

Rope.

I like that idea.

Let's-- let's go with that idea.

You all are useful idiots.

It's time to go out and prove yourselves to me.

[laughs]

Who is-- who is ready to be shocked and amazed?

Eeny, meeny, miney, moe.

There you go, Howard.

ARNOLD: How about you, young man?

What's your name?

Uh, the name's Howard.

And I'm not buying one bit of this crap.

[laughs] We'll see, Howard.

Step this way.

Go for it.

All right, all right.

[cheers, applause]

All right, all right. ALL: Howard!

Howard! Howard!

Howard!

[bag rustling]

Ah!

[gulps] I love food!

Trash food is good!

[can thudding]

Aha!

Caught you in the act!

What did I tell you people about trash

and making a mess on my set?

[growls] Eating food!

Go away!

[growling]

[groans] Oh!

Oh, no!

I'm making a mess!

[groaning]

[entrails splatting]

Oh, there's blood everywhere!

It's disgusting!

Oh, I'm making a mess all over.

Look at all the blood!

Oh, please stop!

[groans]

[body thuds]

[laughs] You trash now.

[entrails splatting, whooshing]

Is the real makeup artist off today?

What'd you say?

[gags]

MAN 1: Yeah, this is it.

MAN 2: What is this?

Ow! MAN 1: Because, you know, I'm--

MAN 2: What is this crap you're putting on me?

I'm a producer as well.

I love to produce shit in the toilet.

I just hate to wipe.

[dramatic music]

[cackling]

Hey, sweetheart.

What are you doing out here?

I don't remember you from the table reading.

You want-- you want a smoke?

I'll take smoking apparatus.

I'll get you one.

You want this one?

Oops, oh.

Uh-oh, butterfingers.

Cigarette butt.

Butt!

[knife slices]

[screams]

[blood splattering]

[laughs] Oh.

[body thuds]

You've got a third butt cheek!

[laughs] Ah!

Another one!

[laughs]

Who the hell are you?

Is Jim replacing me?

Listen, I'm the only multi-talented actress

on this set, so buzz off.

Buzz, buzz!

Hey, why are you still in character?

That's super weird.

But let me do you a favor.

This director is a total hack.

And he is not replacing me.

So you just stay right there.

And I'm going to go give him a piece of my mind.

[body thuds]

[hammer thudding]

[gasping]

[bones cracking]

Hypnotize.

Hypmotize!

Howard, you are under my complete control.

I have unlocked your psyche.

And I expect to hear the truth.

When I count to 3, you will mind dump onto me all

of your earthly wrongdoings.

Uh, 1, uh, 2, uh, 3.

[suspenseful music]

For the last 20 years, I've been visiting your surface

world from the depths of hell.

I travel here on my skateboard, a cursed board crafted

by Satan, my dear old dad.

When I come up here, I wreak havoc in the streets,

robbing and killing the homeless.

My favorite drink is bum juice.

Mm.

I want to be good, but it's so fun to be bad.

Franklin's disappointed.

We were friends.

You're killing my friends.

We even have fight competition.

[sobs] And this is how you repay me?

I'mma kill this motherfucker.

Dutch!

Dutch, don't!

Don't, the feds might be watching.

I don't give a fuck about the feds.

He killed one of our own.

And it's an eye for an eye in this shelter.

- Stop! - Out of the way, Magic Marty.

Don't! Don't!

[fist thuds]

Damn, this is some heavy shit, man.

It is stanky shit.

You want to roll it?

Where the hell did you get this stuff?

I can't even roll anymore.

Yes.

Hola.

Hola, amigo.

Oh, what's up, Stumpy?

Who you calling Stumpy?

I mean, you know, you--

You guys gotta stop smoking this dirt weed--

Oh, this is the shit.

--and try this new strain of the devil's lettuce.

I don't know.

I've been smoking the same stuff since grade school.

And you know, it's--

Fuck that noise.

This new shit will give you a full body

high for 24 hours or more.

No seeds and stems?

They both for me?

Yeah, you can have as much as you want.

Wow!

Oh my god, well, you drive a hard bargain, medicine man.

But, well, all right, give us a taste.

You want to hit this.

I'm all good, baby.

OK.

Damn thing just went out.

What's that, a dildo?

Give me this shit.

Dildo!

[laughs] - That's small.

I don't know what the fuck you do with this.

Oh my god, you're a wizard.

How'd you do that?

[coughing]

[gagging]

Didn't anyone teach you that smoking kills?

Is this guy doing something?

You're in the wrong spot, I think, dude.

Like, you need to go back over there.

You ordered a birthday clown?

Yeah, I don't know, right?

I mean, like, you should be going

back to makeup or something.

Makeup?

I just came from makeup.

[laughs]

Get your hands off me.

What the hell is going on here?

All right, I need you to get the hell out of here.

Hey, check his pulse.

Oh, it's fine.

I used to be a nurse on a TV show.

Hey, brother, I need you to calm the hell down, all right?

This is horseshit.

Who are you?

Hey, um, he has no pulse.

Fucking run!

[screaming]

This board is pure evil.

Yeah.

You know what I think?

I think it's time for trial by fire.

That's the only way.

What's fire going to do to it?

Once the flames hit this object,

the spirits will disappear into dust.

Fetch me the gasoline.

Not this one.

That board is one of a kind.

And it belongs to my son.

It's been forged with the blood and tears

of thousands of lost souls.

Back off, demon punk!

I hold all the cards now.

One flick of this lighter--

This lighter.

--and this thing goes poof.

[howls] It's a full moon tonight.

Do you like to dance?

Sorry, toots, I'm not in the mood for dancing.

I've got two left feet and this earth

food doesn't agree with me.

[retching]

[worms plopping]

You sick son of a bitch.

Did you really think you were gonna get away with this?

Check his pockets for something sharp.

He might think he can get away.

You can't be too careful.

Hello, operator?

This is Nun Nell.

I think there's about to be a very, very bad altercation.

Please send help, please.

There's not about to be a bad altercation.

It's happening!

They're killing him!

And then they're gonna kill me.

Holy shit!

What?

Nobody cares about him.

Nobody's going to kill your ass.

[overlapping chatter] - Just shut the fuck up.

I was just--

Why does it always have to be about you?

Enough of this shit.

Give me the board or suffer the consequences.

Never!

John, pull!

I am!

He's so damn strong.

I found you on the street.

I brought you in.

We took care of you.

You got any last words?

Yeah?

I'm sorry.

[scoffs]

Too late for that, motherfucker.

I'll say.

[knife slices]

Gasoline, please.

I'm trying.

[groans] Oh.

I have an awful feeling.

I can no longer feel my son's presence on this planet.

Freeze frame!

[clapping]

[gagging]

What the fuck is this?

The next ice age?

It's no fun when they can't fight back.

[screams]

[dramatic music]

Chuckles?

Chuckles, where art thou, Chuckles?

Dark Lord, why is everyone frozen?

Are you daft?

Obviously, I froze them so we could

slip away without being seen.

And what did I tell you about that stupid clown makeup?

Those juggling freaks scare the crap out of me.

I'm sorry.

Once I killed the makeup girl, I just

got the itch to do it again.

When we get home, you're grounded.

At least you finally found the skateboard, sire.

Yes, but at what cost?

My son is dead.

Come on, boys, let's go home.

- Hey, how'd I look? - You looked great.

- [laughs] Take a selfie. - Yeah?

- Take a selfie. - Great idea.

Take a picture. Yeah, you ready?

OK, here we go.

Police.

Uh-oh.

What do we have going on here?

I did it, I did it, I did it, I did it.

I mean, we did it.

Man, you ain't did shit.

We did it. - Yeah.

I'm the one that caught the motherfucker.

Well, we both caught him. - Yeah.

But I'm the one that stabbed him.

Yeah.

And y'all can't do shit to me because it's self-defense.

Uh-huh.

Officer Dev.

Sir, please drop your weapon.

Drop the weapon?

Motherfucker, the knife's in him.

How am I gonna drop it?

[eerie dance music]

[clears throat]

Who told you fucking creeps that you

could throw a party while the Devil Daddy was out of town?

Did I sanction this?

It's OK.

It's OK.

I'm generous.

I'm in a good mood.

Yeah.

12 years hard labor for all of you.

Get the fuck out of my sight!

Now!

[dramatic music]

[board cracks]

[sloshing]

[board thudding]

Fuck!

Fuck!

Kurt!

Kurt!

Ruby!

Fuck!

[upbeat punk music]

Dr. Adrian Low.

How can I help my favorite client?

I need some advice.

If you don't pay my fee, I can't keep you as a client.

The bad vibes are racing back, Doc.

I wish I was at home chillin', smokin' grass.

You needed this job.

Playing video games in your underwear

is no way to go through life.

It's worked for me up till now, Doc.

I'll get you the money, Doc.

Please, don't drop me.

Look, don't call me back until this film is finished.

Hello,

Hello, Hollywood News Time Views,

big news in from Hollywood.

After a full 40-year break, horror director

Jim Seamstress has returned to make his new film,

Leather Teats 2.

Online reactions have been coming in all day from viewers,

with everything from pure joy to people excited for his return.

But there is also extreme confusion,

as people are not sure why we would want

another film in the series.

There are also a number of people very upset and not

happy at all with his return.

Now back to you.

No one is who you think they are, people.

[burps] Don't trust anyone.

They could be the devil undercover.

Independent movie sets--

not safe.

That's why I'm glad my parents only

let me do online news for kids.

Do any of you guys believe in this

skateboard I'm hearing about that

actually can take you to hell?

Come on!

Back in the day, I auditioned to be in the original Leather

Teats movie.

I knew the director from college.

Oh my god.

Oh, that smells horrible.

911, please come.

There's, like, dead bodies.

Like, I'm just walking around, and then there's these,

like, organs and dead people.

What is this?

Please come as soon as possible.

Why did that movie include skateboarding?

You don't board in the desert.

It's sandy.

My dad and I are going to watch Leather Teats.

That's right, folks.

I'm a cool dad, so don't give me any shit.

Yeah, he lets me watch R-rated movies.

The devil comes back to Earth to find

his son and his missing board.

What is the plot to a Shawn C. Phillips film?

Horror films were great in the past.

But Leather Teats was never, never a good film.

What does a over 70-year-old man know

about making a horror film?

Next week, we are going to be having

one of the surviving producers of Leather Teats

to get his side of the story.

A movie called Leather Teats?

Never again will I be made a viral moment.

Those people that own that shelter, they are not

who you think.

We were always friends.

We always did everything together.

[sobs] Ow, that burns.

Two people found at the local park.

Is there any connection to the recent string of murders?

I can't see Shawn Phillips turning this story into a movie.

This story is just too much.

The devil comes back to life?

He looks like the canned ham kid.

If I can get an interview with one of those actors

that survived, one could dream.

Hey, Austin, you did great earlier.

When that gorgeous mutant stomped on your skull,

I actually believed your brains turned to mush.

And not just because you're a dope.

Appreciate that, man.

Sure.

I can't believe that old, dusty fool Jim Seamstress

is back to making films again.

Low budget movies suck.

Bring on the superheroes.

I really will not be getting to see Leather Teats part 2?

[sighs] God.

Sometimes good things do happen.

A murderer hiding out in plain sight

at a local homeless shelter.

--sees that nobody realizes that I'm an undercover mutant.

Excuse me, excuse me, do you guys want waters?

Snacks?

Gabby, get the fuck out of here.

Just selling.

Go, shit.

Nobody liked the original Leather Teats.

We didn't need a sequel.

I wish that I was part of that film.

I know people died, but it would have made me a star.

I can't believe that I almost auditioned

to be part of that terrible Leather Teats movie.

Wow, Chad, just look at those muscles.

You must do some heavy lifting.

Thanks for noticing.

I only lift my wood.

You should give it a try.

Who would watch a movie like this?

You would have to be insane.

I wouldn't really want a sequel to the film.

I mean, the original was always a shit film.

Every fool in today's day and age with a phone

thinks they are a director.

I was so hyped for Jim's new film.

I hope it doesn't end up like that lost Ernest pirate film.

I heard rumors that people saw people vanish on a skateboard

and go straight to hell.

I was thinking about picking up a skateboard again.

But no, I don't feel like risking what can happen.

I'm glad I never wanted to be cool like that.

Choo, choo.

[screaming]

Pancake Man.

I want to see Leather Teats on the screen again.

If I was on a film set, I'd kill all

those motherfuckers on there.

Nobody realizes that I'm an undercover demon.

Would you guys believe that I almost went into acting instead

of becoming a news anchor?

I'm so happy I didn't go that route.

See, just like I've been saying,

horror films bring out the worst of people.

They are terrible.

You know, a hypnotist told me one time that my goldfish

was in the afterlife.

And it wasn't even mad at me for flushing him down the toilet.

Holy fuck!

They did melt. What the hell went on in here last night?

People need to look into the homeless shelter.

I think there's something up with that place.

Who watches movies like Leather Teats?

You really have to be nuts if you do.

Our news team will be on location taking a closer

look at the area where all of these unexplained murders

happened.

Would you believe they wouldn't cast me in that film?

If I were there, this wouldn't have happened.

I want to let you all know in my next video,

I'll be at the location of the murders.

I just can't wait to get out to that abandoned ghost town, boys.

This was filmed on very haunted and sacred grounds.

A lot of people were killed in this location.

I'm so glad I didn't send my audition to be in that film.

Instead of Leatherface, the killer

wears a suit made out of boobs.

Hey, I'm skatin' here.

I'm skatin' here.

[growls]

[screams]

[roars]

As an indie filmmaker myself with zero money,

I would never make one of those.

Don't mess with evil skateboards.

Everything on that set was so R-rated.

I wish I was old enough to watch.

This entire thing makes me think

about my own personal hell--

gym class.

Jeez Louise, the goddamn Melvins!

Wow.

Crazy trip.

Lucky we're all alive.

Yeah, no doubt.

Uh, thank you for letting me work here again

while Kane's busy.

I could really use his cash.

Yeah, man.

Plus, now you don't have to steal

the skate wax to use as lube.

You get it for free like me.

Total win-win.