Original subtitles

Where's my present?

Where's my kiss?

Ooh, a rose quartz.

In Greek mythology, this is like giving the gift of love.

I got you a present, too.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Where is it?

It's in my bag. It's chocolate.

Now there is the gift of love.

- Can I have some? - No.

You have to be at school in like three hours.

- You have to go to bed. - I'm too tired to go to bed.

She got so big since I went away.

She's like 10 feet tall and 500 pounds.

Mm-hmm.

- One... - Two, three.

I'm glad you're home, Dada.

- Love you, baby. - I got you a gift, too.

- Oh, yeah Where is it? - In here.

Huh? Huh?

Oh! Aah!

Jane, fire!

Whoa.

No way!

Oh!

- Jane, wake up. - What? What? What?

- Something crashed in the backyard. - What? Is Ruby okay?

- She's fine. It crashed in the back. - What crashed?

It was like a bright light that was flying at the house.

- Like a plane? - No, it was a small, round, metal object.

And it was smoking and hot to the touch.

- But how small was it? - It was like this big.

It was a drone. It was just a drone, Howie.

Somebody lost control of their drone.

I've never seen a drone like that before.

Fine. It was a professional drone. It was a military drone.

- Or it wasn't a drone. - What was it?

A spaceship from outer space.

Okay, you think it's more likely that it's a drone

or that it's a spaceship?

Why don't you just come look at it and decide for yourself?

I will. I will do that first thing in the morning for you.

- How can you sleep right now? - Because I teach small children

very early in the morning, Howie.

Okay, I'm gonna take a video with my camera,

I'm gonna come back up here, and I'm gonna show you.

No, please don't. Please.

What? You never farted?

Aah!

Howie?

Howie?

What?

I'm here.

Howard, what are you doing down there?

Oh, my-- oh, my God. Is that blood?

You-- stay there.

What about the trail of green goo?

- What happened to that? - Well, I don't know.

Maybe it evaporated or got cleaned up by something.

What? What? You don't believe me!

This happened to me last night.

I believe that you hit your head very hard.

So what? So what? So what?

So I think-- I think that you confused a drone for a UFO

and probably a raccoon.

Okay, raccoons don't have blue and purple eyes that glow,

nor do they apologize for farting.

Okay. Well, whatever it is,

I hope Animal Control can catch it.

Please, please, promise me

that you will not go down there until he gets here.

I promise.

They fired Mr. Steve.

- The music teacher? - Mm-hmm.

- What for? - Being drunk.

Hmm, can't be drunk.

They're looking for a replacement.

Jane, I'm a keyboard player, I'm not a music teacher.

It's two days a week. You'll have so much more time

to work on your music 'cause you'll be home.

Nobody cares about my music.

Hey, I care about your music, so there.

Now, they're setting up interviews with candidates all next week.

So I'll go ahead and-- what?

- I can't. - Why?

You're leaving again.

- When? - First thing tomorrow morning.

Howie, you just got here.

I know, but I if I had said no,

then whoever said yes would take my spot on the summer tour.

What is the point of having a house that you are never at

and a family you are never with?

Come on, Ruby, we're late.

- Dada? - Yeah?

- I believe. - Believe what?

That a spaceship crashed in our backyard

and you heard an alien fart.

Thank you.

Can we go down and investigate the crash site?

You have to go to school.

- After school? - Sure.

Just don't tell any of your friends or teachers

about any of this, okay?

Because people will think you're crazy?

Right.

- Dada? - Yeah?

Do you have to leave again?

Come on, gonna be late.

Will you miss my birthday?

I will be back the very day after,

so you get to celebrate two days in a row.

- How cool is that? - Not cool.

- I love you. - Love you, too.

Can we please not be mad on my one day home?

You choose to be home for one day.

That's why I'm mad.

- Good morning to you, sir. - Morning.

My name is Ester. What's yours?

- Howie. - Do you live here, Howie?

- Yes, I do. - And you lived here last night?

Yes, I did.

Did you see what I saw?

What did you see?

Something most unusual?

- Did you? - See something unusual?

Late last night?

Why won't you answer me, Howie?

Because you're a total stranger asking me weird questions.

I'm not a stranger. I'm Ester.

Greetings, Earthling.

I'm Ester Terrestrial...

...and welcome to my world.

"But, Ester," you say,

"Your world looks just like my world. What gives?"

Well, I do indeed live on the same planet as you.

But beyond humans, my world is inhabited by...

Andromenids and Grays, Evaborgs and Proximians,

Synthetics and Umites,

and, yes, sometimes even the dreadful Draconians.

Once you step into the world of Ester Terrestrial,

your eyes will be open

to all the strange and wonderful creatures

from across the universe who live and work

here on Earth amongst us.

So welcome to the world of Ester Terrestrial.

And if you liked this video,

remember to thumb-up it

and leave a comment below.

It was nice to meet you, Ester. I gotta go.

Janie?

Ruby?

- Good morning. - Aah!

I'm sorry to have startled you, but upon approaching your house,

I discovered these strands of the most unusual pelage.

- Who are you? - Nathan Droogal,

Adam's Hill Animal Control, at your service.

"Banishing vermin since 1993 A.D."

Ms. Jenkins mentioned you were having a wee bit of a critter problem.

Yeah, you might say that.

Where exactly did this encounter occur?

- Uh, under the house. - Ah.

At least it wasn't inside the house.

Interior infestations are the worst, believe you me.

- I believe you. - Follow me.

Looks like a slice of heaven.

- It does? - Sure, if you're damned vermin.

I apologize for my language. Hope I didn't offend you.

- No, I wasn't-- - It's just these damn vermin really boil my blood.

Trespass against us, feast on our bounty,

and defecate wherever they so please.

You ever hear of the bubonic plague, Mr. Jenkins?

- I have. - Well, just remember this.

The next great plague is always lurking,

just waiting to pounce when humanity least expects it.

Scary thought.

Close the door behind me.

And no matter what you may hear, dare not ye enter.

Door!

There's no-- no lights.

If you want to use your flashlight?

Door!

Has a plague beset your house?

Do vile vermin strike terror in the hearts of those you love?

Fear not, for Adam's Hill Animal Control

shall be your salvation!

Count on me, Nathan Droogal.

And by the power of my rod,

the beast shall be driven to eternal destruction!

And ye who call Adam's Hill Animal Control

shall be saved!

Guy from Animal Control was already here

and completely bonkers.

I guess this is your first contact.

Taking that as a yes.

Howie, right?

Um...

My real name doesn't translate to English,

so just call me by my nickname-- Chuck.

Howie?

Howie? Come back, Howie.

You can't leave!

Truly sorry I had to do that, Howie.

Brainjacking is only a last resort.

Not cool, Howie.

Drop it. Drop the bug spray.

Oh, shit!

Wh-- what do you want?

To begin, I could use a nice cup of coffee.

Outstanding.

- So, you're an alien. - I am.

- From another planet. - Proxima B from the Alpha Centauri star system.

- How far away is that? - Only 4.24 light-years.

- What's that in miles? - 25 trillion miles.

Why-- why did you come all this way?

- I need your help. - My help?

- Doing what? - Saving planet Earth.

Oh, is that all?

I'm a professional. We'll save this place, no problem.

And how exactly are we gonna save this place?

An auction is taking place this afternoon

for the exclusive rights to Earth.

- Earth is up for auction? - It is.

- And who's bidding on Earth? - Normal suspects.

Itinerate civilizations looking for new homes,

planets in need of natural resources,

militaries expanding domains, so on and so forth.

Uh, so then who is selling it?

Wow, it's been like 6,000 years

and most of you still have no clue who your overlords are.

Lookit, I gotta get to that auction ASAP.

What happens if you don't get to that auction?

- Worst-case scenario? - Sure.

- An extinction event. - For humans?

For all life on Earth. Even cockroaches.

Mr. Jenkins, you have to see this.

I have discovered a deposit of the most unidentifiable scat.

- It reeks of death itself. - I bet yours don't smell like roses, pal.

- Vermin? - What did you call me?

- The pestilence speaks. - Yeah, several hundred languages.

What do you got? One?

Before him goes pestilence,

and a plague cometh after him!

The Lord is faithful and the strength in Him

protects you from he who is evil!

- Did-- is he gonna be okay? - He'll be fine.

Hey, you got a rope or something?

You wanna tie him up?

Just until we save the world.

What if somebody drops by unexpectedly?

Who's gonna drop by unexpectedly?

What we're doing right now could send me to prison for a very long time.

Nobody is going to prison.

Though it doesn't matter much if we fail in our mission.

- You mean your mission? - Gee, Howie, I'm sorry.

Figured since the fate of your planet

and your human race was at stake,

you might want to take some ownership.

How do I know any of this is real?

How do I know you're not just tricking me

to helping enslave mankind?

How could you possibly help me enslave mankind?

How could I possibly help you save mankind?

- A form exchange. - What?

It's where you exchange bodies with me.

- Well, that's not gonna happen. - Ever seen those movies

where the kid exchanges bodies with the parent?

They go through each other's days and then hijinks ensue?

- It's gonna be like that? - Without hijinks.

Just a quick swap so I can infiltrate the auction in human form.

- No biggie. - That's a huge biggie.

There's dozens of licensed FEDs all over the world.

- What's an FED? - Form Exchange Depot.

A sanctioned location where visiting Proximians

rent a human body during their stay.

Tourists, diplomats, folks on business, that kind of thing.

So what happens to the humans?

They hang out at the depot in alien bodies.

And that's what you want me to do.

No time to go to the Adam's Hill depot,

so we just do it from the comfort of your own home.

So, what do you say?

No. No. I can't do it.

I can't do it. I can't do it.

I'm sorry, I can't do it.

You don't have to do anything.

Just sit here for a while in my body.

- What if something goes wrong? - It won't.

But even if it does, you'll be fine.

I believe in you.

That's because you don't know me.

If you knew me, you wouldn't believe in me.

Sheesh, Howard, what's with all the self-doubt?

You can only fail for so long before it starts to take a toll.

Fail? You have a loving wife, beautiful child,

all here enjoying this view of paradise.

How is that failure?

Because I'm never here to enjoy it, okay?

I'm always on the road somewhere in some podunk club.

So what would success look like?

Sleeping in my own bed at night with my wife.

Waking up in the morning and taking my kid to school.

Heaven forbid, recording an album of my own songs.

- Let's hear one. - Right now?

Always got time for a song.

Anyway, that's what I got so far.

Strong stuff, brother. I felt that.

Yeah, well, I don't know where it goes from here.

- It's a story, right? - Sure.

So, how you want the story to end?

That said, can I assume that you don't want the story

to end with the utter destruction of your species?

You promise it doesn't hurt?

Actually, it's rather relaxing.

And you gotta be back by 3.

I can't be sitting here in an alien body

when they get home from school.

- Trust me. - Can I?

Lookit, I gotta trust you, too.

You think I want to get stuck in your body?

Now, come on, time's a-wasting.

Give me some eye contact. Eye contact is the key.

- Ready? - No.

Huh?

Oh, no. No. No, no, no, no, no, no no.

- This can't be happening. - Oh, it happened.

And you looking good, brother.

I changed my mind.

Changing minds, form exchange, it's just semantics.

The point is, there was an exchange of consciousness.

- I don't want to do this anymore. - Listen--

- I want to swap back. - That's just fear talking.

Tell your fear to shut its pie hole.

We got a planet to save. Car keys.

Do you even know how to drive?

I just flew a space pod 25 trillion miles

across the universe through a wormhole.

I think I can handle your automatic transmission, Howie.

Fine. Left pocket, gray SUV out front.

Sit loose and hang tight, brother.

Maybe try to take a nap or something.

Holy shi...

He's over here somewhere.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Oh, great.

It's Ester. She's here.

Heaven forbid you have a good-looking young woman in your life.

Agent Marvin, you copy? Over.

Go for Marvin, over.

Agent Marvin, your mother wants to know

if you're there yet, over.

Affirmative, Omar, over.

Agent Marvin, please don't approach target

without helmet and deflectors in place, over.

Yeah, affirmative, Omar, over.

Listen up, Omar.

We'll do our job and you do yours. Over.

- He was doing his job. - Yeah, and we were doing ours.

All right, where should we park?

- He's in that direction. Yeah. - This way?

- I'll park right up there. - Okay.

- Is that okay? - Yes, it's fine.

Here we go.

The nightmare from which I cannot wake.

And what is that incessant beeping?

Huh?

Huh? Hmm. Huh.

Huh?

Greetings.

Default to language of current galactic ordinance,

yes or no?

Uh, sure. Okay.

- Yes or no? - Yes. Yes, please.

Warning, vessel detection. Vessel detection.

Tracing point of origin. Please stand by.

Wait, so somebody knows this thing is here?

Vessel detection point of origin,

Alpha Draconis star system.

Okay, so what does that mean?

Should I be concerned?

Do you wish to reengage the shield and cloak?

Yes or no.

Sure, yeah.

Yes or no.

Yes.

Reengaging shield and cloak.

Uh, hello?

Did you engage that shield thingy?

Somebody dropped by unexpectedly.

Well, as long as we didn't enter the house, we weren't trespassing,

so we don't need clearance.

Ah.

There's something there, all right. Yes.

...signal in this direction.

- Hey. - Huh?

Oh, my God.

Oh, what do we have here?

Right here?

Aloha! Pictures.

What the hell? Did you just selfie?

Yes, I just took a selfie.

- Why? - To show me being here.

- To who? - To Omar. And Mom.

Mom and Omar don't need your selfie.

- Huh? - What they need is a clean shot of that crater

to submit for clearance.

- Ugh, what is that stuff? - Infinity fuel. Sample.

Sample what?

- Sample that. - "Sample, please."

Do you want to get clearance or not?

What I want is a little bit of respect, Dad.

Hey, how many times do I have to tell you,

never call me that when we're on the clock.

Oh, please, like anyone's listening to us anyways, Dad.

Somebody's always listening.

What?

Maybe it was a squirrel or a bird or something.

Or maybe it was a low-down, no good, dirty Proximian

trying to get the drop on us.

"Get the drop on us"? Where did you get that?

He lifted up his eyes

and awoke to a world so terrible

he could scarcely believe.

No, he didn't want to believe a place so horrible as this,

surrounded by demons and ghouls!

He lifted up his eyes and found himself!

It dawned upon him that he had been damned!

He was damned, and he knew all hope was lost.

No begging nor pleading nor praying

would save his soul!

For he knew there was no love in hell!

No hope in hell! No forgiveness in hell!

No salvation in hell,

for the soul that goes to hell stays in hell!

You and your whole yellow-bellied generation

better stop before this planet becomes nothing more

than a breeding ground for intergalactic criminals,

perverts, and losers.

Thought any more about retiring?

Shit.

And let you and Omar be partners?

You two couldn't catch a cold.

Somebody! Help!

Anybody!

Can anybody hear me?

Hey, it's okay. I'm back.

- It's back. - It's okay.

Okay, now you have to be quiet.

They're gonna come back. Please stop.

Vermin! Sent from the pits of hell!

I'm not from hell, I'm from Indiana.

- Somebody help me! - Please stop that.

- Help me! - You've got to be quiet.

You've--

I won't hurt you.

I'm actually Howard Jenkins, the human who lives here.

I just swapped bodies with the alien.

- Hmm? - Yeah, not really reassuring, is it?

You look uncomfortable.

Hmm, here you go.

One pillow, coming right up.

Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.

Nice and easy. There you go.

That's much better, right?

Okay. Okay, and that's still on there. Good.

You must be thirsty. I'll get you some water.

You'll have some water and it'll be... nice.

Yeah.

Huh.

Hmm.

Come on.

Almost there.

Come on.

Argh. I guess that's just not a thing.

- Howie? - I'll see if he's pooping!

- Howie? - He's not pooping.

- Can I have a snack? - Yes, but no sugar.

- That his phone? - Yeah.

Maybe he went to get a new one.

- What was that? - I don't know.

- Well, it came from your room. - Well, I'm out here.

Howie?

Ruby, did your dad get you a new stuffed animal?

No. Remember, he got me the new pink rose quartz?

Mom, I see Dad's car!

- Dada! - Whoa!

Hey there, Rudy. How you doing?

Rudy? My name's Ruby, Dad.

I know. I was just kidding Rud-- Ruby.

Hey. Oh, why you standing on my paws, kid?

Dad, I always stand on your feet.

'Cause it's our thing.

Yeah.

- There you are. - Here I am.

- Did you get a new phone? - No.

- Well, where'd you go? - Outside.

- Babe, your car was gone. - Yeah, I went outside in my car far away.

What's wrong with your voice?

Yeah, it's fine, thank you for asking.

So did the Animal Control guy come?

- Oh, yeah. - Oh, what happened?

- Not much. He left. - Did he catch anything or--

No. Nope. Just set a trap and he left.

Okay.

Can we go investigate the crash site now?

- Do what? - The crash site.

You said we could go investigate after school.

- I did? - Sheesh, Dad.

You must've really donked your head hard.

Yeah. Babe, I think you have a concussion.

I think we need to go to the ER.

- Nah, I'm good to go. - Then let's go!

Ooh, not in the garage.

Okay.

So you're telling me

a real life actual UFO

was in this crater when you first got here?

Lookit, I don't know exactly what it was.

That's why they're called UFOs. They're unidentified.

Oh, okay. Then it was a UFO. Yeah.

Why do you think it crashed?

Tough to say. Could be a myriad of reasons.

Maybe perhaps it was struck by a photon blast

flying out of wormhole,

and a heroic, highly skilled pilot

managed to right it down successfully

within three clicks of his intended target.

Or maybe he was just a bad pilot who lost control of his ship.

Yeah. Maybe.

The diameter of this crater isn't very big.

- What were you expecting? - For it to be, like, way bigger.

What? A spaceship can't be this size?

It's not that.

It's just that if an advanced civilization

is gonna send a ship billions of miles to Earth--

- Or trillions. - Sure, or trillions,

wouldn't they send something bigger?

This seems like it would hold one little alien.

One little alien isn't impressive enough for you?

Without research equipment or a team expert alien explorers,

what would be the reason to come all this way?

- The greatest reason of all. - What reason is that?

Love.

Say, kid, we should probably head on up and see how your mom's doing.

I'm still entering my scientific observations.

You're rocking quite the rock collection here.

A few new ones since you left.

You know what this one is right here?

Excavated it at the beach.

Not sure what kind it is or anything.

This is a primordial meteorite.

This thing is older than planet Earth.

I didn't know anything was older than planet Earth.

Always keep curious, kid.

Dada, when you built this treehouse, I thought we'd spend a lot more time up here.

- We don't? - You're gone too much.

I miss you. So does Mommy.

I miss you, too.

Check out this crazy rock I just found.

- That is not a rock. - Then what is it?

Something you do not want to touch.

We've got full clearance, boys,

but I do not like who we're handing him over to.

There a shipload of Draconians that are on pursuit.

- Draconians. Damn. - You boys better be watching your buns

because there is no condo in Waikiki

worth spending my golden years alone

with Omar over here!

10-4, Mom. Over.

Well, I guess it's time to test your metal,

Agent Marvin, see what you're really made of.

Gentlemen.

Look who it is, Dad. It's the internet's one and only Ester Terrestrial.

You watch my videos?

Only to make sure you blur out our faces and alter our voices.

Well, still, remember to thumb up them

and leave a comment below.

You better stay away from this one, Ester.

You're a lovely young lady,

but things are about to get really ugly.

Are you implying that I cannot handle myself

in a dire situation because I'm an attractive female?

No, no. I'm not implying that at all.

Well, it sure sounds like you are.

Just don't get in the way this time, Ester, okay?

We've got a posse of Draconians that are in hot pursuit

- of a desperate-- - A desperate what?

It doesn't matter because they're being followed by Draconians

who are gonna be really hungry after a long flight, okay?

So just beat it before I get Omar to delete your whole website again.

- Omar deleted my website? - Secret's out.

Bye, Ester.

I don't see why you always have to be so rude to her.

She's meddlesome and a total whack job.

Lucky for you. Why do you think she's still single?

I am not asking Ester out, okay? She's not my type.

Oh, you're too old to have a type.

You're almost 40, and you're still rooming

with your buddy from the office, Omar.

It's pathetic. Time you grow up, son.

I'm already grown up. You should grow up.

- What was that? - You should grow up.

Janie, honey. Honey? Janie?

Janie? Janie, honey, it's me.

Honey? Hey, hey. It's me.

It's Howie.

- No, you're not. You're me. - In body but not in mind.

- Huh. I'm furry. - Yes.

Yes, and I have these.

I don't believe any of this is real.

And with good reason, until you understand that

that was in fact a spaceship that crashed in our backyard last night.

You are now inhabiting the he body of the alien that was flying said spaceship.

I'm still me but in an alien's body?

Yes, correct. God, you are handling this really well, baby.

And how did you get into my body?

Well, because they already did a form exchange with Chuck.

Oh, that's the English nickname

for the alien that you're currently inhabiting.

But he had to go because he has to go to an auction

'cause he has to save the world.

Well, you see, that was me that you found underneath the bed.

But then I guess my alien instincts took over

and then I just did a form exchange with you.

A form exchange is what they call this?

I just thought about exchanging forms with you, and then I did.

And there now you are,

the you with fur and me with these.

What is it now?

Oh, my God, I'm gonna take care of this, but... as you.

Forget it. Just kick in the door!

Can we give them one minute? What if they're indisposed?

Yeah, and what if they're being sodomized by a Proximian probe?

That happened once, like, 60 years ago,

and you use it to justify every overly-aggressive tactic ever.

How did I ever raise such a tree-hugging hippie?

You didn't. Mom did.

Well, at least this old-timer

still has some mustard on his hotdog.

Hi-yah!

- May I help you? - Apologies, ma'am.

Apologies, ma'am.

We attempted a forced entry because we feared for your safety.

- My safety? - You are Mrs. Jenkins, right?

I'm Howie Jenkins-- wife Jane.

Yeah, Jane Jenkins. Yeah.

Mrs. Jenkins, did you notice an object

descend into your yard last night?

An object?

- Answer the question, lady. - No.

No, you won't answer the question

or, no, you didn't see an object descend into your yard?

I didn't see any descending anything.

Well, I don't believe you.

Well, who cares what you believe?

Who are you buffoons,

and what gives you the right to barge into my home?

I'm Agent Marvin Felson. This is Agent Wilson Felson.

We're licensed members of the IEA.

What is the Intergalactic Extradition Alliance?

Just a fancy name for a bunch of lowlife, thuggish bounty hunters.

Mr. Jenkins, I presume.

Why are you wearing those funny goggles and helmets?

They're not funny. They're for protection.

They're definitely funny, and why do you need protection?

And why do little girls ask so many questions?

Best go on to your room, kiddo.

Come on, Ruby. I'll read you a book.

No, ma'am. You'll be staying here with us.

You are still here. Tied up like a Kormak no less.

I will free your mouth, but we must speak in hushed tones.

Strange men have arrived whose intentions I fear.

Mm-hmm.

Ow.

Fear not men, but the godless beast

- that crawls upon this land. - What kind of godless beast?

Short of height with brown fur.

The devil controls its wicked tongue.

With bright eyes of purple and blue?

Free me so that I might cage the beast

in the deliver him for judgment.

Oh, no, we mustn't do that.

Wait!

There is no other way!

Wait!

Huh?

That is absurd.

Why would you ever think that a UFO crashed in our backyard?

Well, for one, we found some infinity fuel

in a hole by your treehouse.

That looks like it came out of your nose.

- Yeah, I'd like to shove it up-- - Hey.

We received an extradition request from Proxima B.

- A what from where? - It's a sister agency

from a planet in the Centaurus constellation.

It's called Proxima B.

They requested our aid

in returning a Proximian fugitive.

Wait, are you saying that this alien is on the run?

Yes, ma'am. He stole the pod that he crashed into your backyard.

Well, we don't know. Maybe he's on an important mission.

Maybe he needs that to save mankind.

He's nothing but a two-bit thief,

- a good for nothing punk trying to stay out of jail. - You don't know him.

All you know is if you hand him over,

you'll get a nice piece of the action.

You seem to know an awful lot about our operation.

I know enough to know I want you out of my house now.

For the safety of your family, just allow us to search the premises

to ascertain if he's no longer here.

This isn't exactly a big house.

I think we would know if there was an alien here.

There's an alien here.

I'm itchy.

No!

No!

Act natural.

What's in your sack, boys?

Chuck!

Chuck, it is me. It's Howie.

Howie? Then who's in my body?

Jane!

It's not Jane. I'm Jane.

Ruby picked me up, and I didn't even mean to think about it, but I did.

- So Ruby is in the alien body? - Where is the alien body?

We secured the target. I repeat, we have secured the target, over.

Are you safe? Over.

Affirmative. Do we have a rendezvous yet?

Negative. Your mom is still waiting to hear, over.

Copy that. We're heading back to base camp. Over and out.

Why would humans protect a dirty Proximian they just met?

They're probably some of those sickos who like being probed.

As a matter fact, being probed can be very natural, Dad.

- So where are they taking her? - I don't know.

How should I know? You're the human.

Yeah, and you're the Proximian that got us in this mess.

I didn't tell you to body-swap with Jane.

I didn't tell Jane to body-swap with Ruby!

I warned you that this is what would happen.

I told you I would mess this up,

and that is exactly what happened.

It's not your fault, Howie. It's mine. I'll make it right.

What exactly can you do to make this right?

What can you do to make sure our baby gets home

and we all get our own bodies back?

Howie, give me that dude's car, huh?

Jane, can I use your phone?

Who's that? Who's it from?

Go for Marvin Felson.

Well, that's just curgle-y.

Well, she started moving just as soon as we got here.

Mom? What's going on, Mom?

I'm not Mom, honey. I'm Dad.

Dad, why is Mom saying she's Dad?

- She is Dad. - Then where's Mom?

I'm right here, baby.

You're not Mom. You're me!

No, you are you just in Chuck's body.

- Who is Chuck? - I am.

- You're Dad! - No, that's me.

You see I switched bodies with Chuck.

Then why are you in Mom's body?

Because I was in Chuck's body

when I switched bodies with Mom.

And then I switched bodies with you.

- So I'm in Chuck's body? - Correct.

And who is Chuck?

I am an alien from outer space.

So I'm in the body of an alien from outer space?

Correct.

So can I go to school like this?

Probably not a good idea.

What would be a good idea is for all of you to get back into your own bodies.

Well, how do we do that?

It's like having a staring contest with myself.

Try to focus, dear.

Can we at least get a picture of me as an alien?

No!

Okay! Okay, sheesh.

Pardon. Go for Agent Marvin.

- The Draconians just came-- - Not in front of them.

- Outside. - Okay.

And no funny business, especially you!

- What are Draconians? - Reptilian bounty hunters,

expert trackers through space and time,

vicious ninjas who love the taste of flesh.

Ugh. What kind of flesh?

All kinds.

So you weren't here to save our planet?

No, man. I'm sorry.

Then what were you doing running around town in my body?

- Were you looking for love? - The love of my life.

There she was, sitting across the room,

the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen,

my darling Mabel.

On our very first date, I vowed we'd escape Proxima B,

take off across the galaxies,

and find a new place to call home.

- What happened? - Mabel's dad happened,

Grandmaster Ermahgerd, overlord of Proxima B,

and the reason Mabel wanted to run away.

He found out we were dating and forbade her from seeing me.

He locked her up in a tall tower.

So at night, I would sneak into the compound

and we would sing our song.

What does that mean?

Somebody you'll see, soon we'll be free,

just us in sweet love eternally.

Did you escape together?

Not together. I was afraid.

Of what?

That I wasn't smart enough to pull it off,

afraid I'd get us captured trying to get away

and we'd never see each other again.

She got tired of waiting for me,

found herself a ship, and blasted off last week.

I realized what a fool I'd been and chased after her.

So why are bounty hunters chasing after you?

Ermahgerd is after me

because I'm the only one who knew where she was going.

Plus, I stole one of his crappy space pods to get here.

- Did you find her? - I knew she made a reservation here

at the form exchange in Adam's Hill,

so I went there in your dad's body.

The concierge told me

after meeting her would-be human partner,

Mabel bailed, hopped back into her spaceship,

and blasted off into space.

- To where? - Nobody knows.

- So what happens now? - These guys will give me to the Draconians,

who will take me back and torture me for information on Mabel's whereabouts.

Then if I'm lucky, they'll lock me up and throw away the key.

Where is Ermahgerd's space pod?

I stashed it under the house.

Great.

I'd like to speak to you both in private.

If this thingy goes there and this thingy goes there,

I bet this thingy's the problem!

Will you help me fix this?

- We can't let them take Chuck. - Ruby, we don't have a choice.

You're right, because friends help each other, Dad.

He's not your friend. You just met him.

We already went down to the treehouse

and he taught me cool stuff about my rocks.

Ruby, those men out there

scrambled our entire nervous system

- with the click of a button. - Oh, I get it.

- You're afraid. - Yes, Ruby, I am afraid.

Were you not listening to Chuck?

Afraid is no way to live your life.

Dad, no wonder you never recorded an album.

Would you help me out here, please?

He does need our help.

These Draconians, they're tracking your ship.

- That's their job. - So if you take off in your ship,

wouldn't they just follow you and leave us alone?

- I think so. - Okay.

Let's get you out of here.

Okay, Mom. Yeah.

I will not let them negotiate.

Of course, I know how mad he gets.

Mom, we're gonna hand him over

and just ask for the cut of the action.

If we don't get it, we just promise to walk away.

Simple as that. I love you too, Mom.

And tell Omar I lov-- look forward to having mai tais with him at sunset, okay?

All right, bye-bye.

Omar is gonna let us know as soon as the Draconians enter the atmosphere.

- How long? - Minutes.

- Well, let's go. - All right.

All right, tell us where the-- where are your parents?

Now, Ruby! Now!

No, no, no! Stop, stop!

- No, no, no, no. - Son!

- Son, help me, son! - I can't, Dad!

I'm brainjacked!

I think he's gonna have me taze you.

Oh, I called it. Oh, no.

He's gonna have me taze my--

Uh, we need to tie them up.

- I know, your hip strap. - Yes, good.

Wait. No! Wait, no, no, no!

No! No!

- Who is that? - Animal Control.

- Why is he bound into that chair? - He saw too much.

Okay.

We're gonna deal with aliens first and then humans.

At least all of our humans will be safely bound.

And I will break his yoke bar from upon you,

and I will tear off your shackles.

- We good? - We good.

- How's it so light? - Carbon, kid. It's all about carbon.

Something's dripping.

- Oh, boy. - Is that from a photon blast?

Yeah, it pierced the fuselage.

- Is that bad? - It ain't great.

Fortunately, us Proximians are mechanically inclined.

I can repair it if we have time.

I can't get-- I can't get it.

I'm sure me not answering the phone right there sent Omar into full on panic mode.

He's probably in his car on his way here right now.

He sure seems to worry about you an awful lot.

He cares about me.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

That thing you said earlier,

was that your way of telling me

what I think you were trying to tell me?

Yeah, Dad, it was.

- You and Omar? - Me and Omar.

I never did trust him.

Yeah, Dad, I know you're probably pretty upset right now,

but, um, if we die today, I'm glad you're gonna get to know the real me.

- And if we don't die today? - Then I hope you come to our wedding.

Whoa. I was kind of hoping for-- hey!

- Did you just cattle prod my dad? - Where lurks the demon?

Demons are, like, a completely different agency, you stupid--

- You got any silicon? - Like from a caulk gun?

- That and a lighter would be amazing. - On it.

Howie, get any and all cooking oils from the kitchen, please.

Be right back.

- What about me? - Do you know any good jokes?

Trillions.

- Oh! - Take me to the demon.

What do you call a painter who eats lots of cheese?

- No clue. - A fartist.

Anywhere you go in the universe, farts are funny.

He will make the land a desolation

and exterminate from it all the sinners.

Ah, give it a rest with that fire and brimstone. You're giving me a headache.

No! Aah!

- Dada! - Howie!

Step no further.

Retrieve the cage from beneath the house.

Your sons have fainted and lie helpless

at the head of every street, like antelope in a net.

Lay the vermin within.

The sword is outside.

The famine and the plague are within.

What about above?

Ruby, get over here right now.

Ruby!

I'll set you guys free if you promise to help me.

If you set us free, I'll consider

not sending you to prison for the rest of your life.

Oh, please. You're not even a cop.

- What do you need help with? - A rescue mission.

Howard. Howard, I need you to get up right now.

You have to get up right now. Ruby's missing.

- Get up! - Where was she?

She was by the treehouse.

Ruby!

Ruby! Ruby!

I can't find her.

- I don't know. - I don't know.

Go!

Howie!

No!

Just where are you taking Chuck?

Stand back or I shall return this child unto the Earth.

What kind of animal would threaten a child?

Chuck!

Chuck, are you okay?

Never better, kid. You gonna get me out of here?

- That's the plan. - No one agreed to any plan.

Oh, please. You can't give Chuck to flesh-eating space lizards.

- He's endangering you and everyone you hold dear. - I hold him dear!

Just because he's different doesn't mean I can't love him.

Draconians.

- Damn. - What happened, baby?

You okay? Let me take a look.

- Step away from the humans! - Ruby!

They're giving them Chuck!

Here is the Proximian you want.

Take him and leave our planet in peace.

Can't you zap them with your taser or something?

Their ship could turn all of us, this entire hillside,

into stardust at the speed of light.

Leave him alone!

Let him go! Let him go this instant!

Let him go!

Let him go this instant!

- Good riddance. - How can you be so heartless?

It was your daughter's idea.

No, you don't go blaming a little girl.

It's true, Mom. But to fool them, we had to fool you, too.

What do you mean it was your idea?

It worked!

- Chuck? - In the flesh.

I'd rather be in the fur, but beats spending

two centuries in a Proximian prison.

So if they took your body and your ship,

what are you gonna do now?

Never thought about life without Mabel.

I guess now I'll have to.

Mabel, baby, is that really you?

It's really me, Chucky, love.

- But they told me you blasted off into space. - No, that was Ester.

Before I left Proxima, I contacted her through her website

and we agreed to do a forever exchange.

Mabel, baby, that-- that's illegal.

That's why we didn't tell anybody, silly.

She got my ship and I got her van.

Oh, Mabel, baby,

I am sorry that it took me so long to get my act together.

We're both here now.

It's a fresh start on a new planet, just like you promised.

Does that mean you're staying?

I'm happy to say, kid,

we have no other choice.

Oh!

- Okay! - Easy does it.

- Good night. - Good night.

Safe travels!

Aloha!

All right, you, it's a school night.

But I wanna hang out with Chuck and Mabel.

Honey, they're gonna be at the end of our block sleeping in a van.

- You will see them tomorrow. - Okay.

Glad you and Chuck found each other.

- Me, too. Sweet dreams, Ruby. - Night.

Hey, you saved my hide today, kid,

and I'm not gonna forget it.

- Come here. - Good night.

- I love you, Dad. - I adore you, baby girl.

- Will you be gone when I wake up? - I'm afraid so.

- Good night, new friends. - Good night.

You, five minutes.

Do you suppose that we could have a human child?

There's only one way to find out.

- Have a good rock and roll tour, Howie. - Thanks, Mabel.

We'll see you when I get back, all right?

I just keep thinking I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and this was all a dream.

Nah.

What you have here with this home

and those ladies, that's the dream.

Good morning, ladies.

Where's my body?