Original subtitles

Twenty-two minutes.

That's how long your computer's been inactive.

What were you doing in there?

Faffing around?

Watching the latest episode

of So You Think You Can Dillydally?

You can't ask me that.

So not a denial per se.

I shall be alerting the wage-garnishers.

Bit quicker.

They are only allowed

to work on the newspaper couple of hours a day.

Now, this program here, voila,

that lets me know whenever their computer is inactive.

And! Here we go!

Oscar hasn't touched his spreadsheet for 15 minutes.

Oh, dear. You're scamming the company, mate.

I'm so tired of asking Adam to move my mouse

every time I'm out on a story.

I've got my own mouse to worry about.

You guys wanna see something crazy?

-Uh-oh. -I call it The Mouse Nudger.

Watch this.

Whoa. Oh, man.

Oh, my God, look!

Mm-hmm. So no matter where Mare goes,

her mouse keeps moving,

keeping her computer awake.

Mare could literally vanish and it wouldn't matter.

Well, it'd matter. To some.

How did you make that so fast?

It's something I designed to stuff down the throat

of a dead frog to make it wiggle,

so a trout would wanna eat it.

And I was confident enough to make about 144 of them.

But the suits at Bass Pro Shops didn't get it.

Shall I put you all down for one?

Oh.

"Ken Davies has just invited you

to get back to work."

-Jesus. -You know what, I'll take one.

-Yeah. Can I take two? -Yeah, me too.

Everyone busy, busy.

My little dwarves. And I'm Snow White, their boss.

The tough but fairest of them all.

You gotta put it in six times.

One, two, three, four, five...

Oh!

Here, you woke Daddy!

-Sorry to freak you out! -You all woke Daddy!

Marv and some of his team are working on this floor

while his offices are being painted.

Which means he can see everything that we're doing.

We're enjoying this meeting. Everyone's sort of nodding.

-Nodding a little bit. -Okay.

-Yes. -Right.

Yes, I am actively agreeing with you.

Now you act like you came up with another good idea...

Put up your hand.

-I don't know what you want... -Yes! Yes, yes!

That is a great idea. I'm gonna write that down.

Does that look like I'm writing it down?

-Yeah. Yeah. Yeah? -Good. Good, good.

This is weird. Maybe we should just have a real meeting...

Now, Adelola, you're pointing. You're pointing

and everyone's nodding and I am agreeing.

And Barry, you stand up, you stand up.

I think everyone's nodding now. We're all nodding at Barry. Yes.

Now Detrick, you're gonna jump out with enthusiasm.

You're gonna high five Oscar! Go! Yes, and, oh!

Fantastic. Fantastic and we're clapping,

we're clapping and we're thumbs-upping.

We're thumbs-upping and we're nodding.

Feel the energy and we're smiling.

That was the most fun meeting we've ever had!

-Yeah? -Okay, fantastic.

-Thank you so much. -Impressive.

Stop, stop. Too much, too much. Welcome, sir!

Didn't know you were here.

I hope the fumes aren't too bad down there.

I know this is distracting. But we won't get in your way.

Oh, no. Not at all.

It is fantastic to have you here.

And I don't know. Do you need anything or...?

I think I know my way around.

Oh, very good. Well, our floor is your floor.

Usually your floor is my ceiling.

Boom, fantastic.

Some people tend to lose all dignity

in the face of their betters.

Fortunately, it usually gets them precisely nowhere.

Men of quality...

Your Marv Putnams of this world.

...they can see right through you.

Yeah...

That is excellent, My Liege!

-All right. Back to work! -Sounds good.

-Happy to have you. -Be off with you.

I don't have to be friends with everybody I work with.

I mean, I'm not friends with Ken.

And Ken's, you know, never...

assumed something about me so incorrectly

I spend all weekend going through my makeup and clothes

and facial expressions in the mirror, trying to...

I'm sorry, do you guys ever ask questions about journalism?

Hey, Marv.

November 1984.

A profile of a certain up-and-coming local businessman

that you might recognize.

Whoa.

Look at that kid. What happened to all my hair?

Huh. I don't know.

-And also, we got your obituary. -What?

As a prominent Toledon,

we will have it ready to go for you

the second you die.

Maybe even a little bit before.

"Marvin Putnam, the end."

-Hey! -Hey.

I was just showing Marv

some times that he was

or will be in the paper.

Like, "Marvin Putnam, the end."

Stop saying that.

"A graduate of DePauw,

Putnam lettered in tennis before joining Hamilton Mills in 1982.

For the next 40 blank years, he oversaw the financial..."

Wow.

Not exactly Warren Buffet.

Hey, Marv, have you met Detrick?

Hey, Detrick, this is Marv, he's in sales too.

-Hey, how are you? -How'd your weekend go, kid?

I caught the second half. Go Mudhens?

It's always hard when the head honcho is around.

For some reason when he's talking to me,

I start thinking about the way my dad looked

during my little league games.

It's... It's like he'd have an empty look in his eyes.

And I'd just be at bat, wondering,

like, where his mind had taken him in those moments.

And then I realize Marv is still talking,

and I have no idea what the hell he's saying.

Right, they were down three in the top of the eighth.

I skateboard to work.

-Hey, uh... -Oh, it's Travis, sir.

Right. How's your day going?

Everything is fine

and I love working here, thank you.

I can't stand it when people lose their spine

the second a person higher up on the pay scale notices them.

It's like the hidden cost of capitalism.

Like, your labor is not enough, they want your dignity too.

I do not play that game.

-Hi. -Hey.

-Hello. -Hey.

Marv said these are all approved.

These are the stories I said we're not doing.

I know. But Marv thought differently.

He says they have spice.

You, uh... You can't go over my head.

Are you calling me short? I go directly to HR.

-Do you have an appointment? -I just wanna ask a question.

I didn't see you in Marv's schedule, mate.

Listen.

Just because the boss is on your floor,

it doesn't mean that you've gone up in the world.

You're like a child sitting on a pilot's lap

who thinks he's flying the plane.

Well, guess what? He's not.

They're not insured for that.

-Careful. -Hey.

Hey, buddy. How you doing?

You know Kimberly here

just sold her one millionth roll of Softees?

-Can we chat? -Sure.

Yeah? Thanks.

Don't.

The golden boy.

He's coming for me.

I can tell, he's coming for me.

Imagine that.

Losing your job to Ned bloody Sampson,

how pathetic.

Sorry.

Why is Ned so good with Marv?

-Why do you think? -Hm.

-I don't know. -One percent.

They have a shorthand. A secret language.

Like Bulgarian.

If I ever say anything to Marv that I wouldn't say to you,

I want you to slap me.

-Put it in writing. -Sure.

It's so great that you're here. It's a real shot in the arm.

-Thanks, kid. -If I can be honest,

I think it's very exciting that you're here to the team.

And it might actually be

a little more than they can handle.

I overstepped.

-Oh, no. Not at all. -No Grandpa giving out sweets.

No! No, not that at all.

Big boss daddy with the fancy tie.

It is fantastic that you're here.

-It's fantastic. I just... -I got it.

I got it.

Thanks, Marv.

Old Ned playing the game.

Didn't know he had it in him.

They're bonding. I think it's sweet.

No, no, no.

Groveling, sniveling, conniving.

Scheming.

The Ginger Machiavelli.

Whoa!

Looks like they're almost done fixing our floor.

Be good, kiddo. Love you.

Men of that age, my father's age

don't often get to hear I love you.

Mostly because they don't say it.

But he said it.

He absolutely said it.

Marv!

I love you.

Yeah. Love you, bud.

Love this.

We need to talk.

Take the service elevator down to B.

-Hey, Oscar? -Mm-hmm?

I need those purchase orders and, um...

I love you.

-Sent. -Thank you.

And I love you more than the moon and stars.

Mm.

Hey, there's no shame

in publicly showing love to another man

in the workplace, okay?

Me and Garcia say we love each other all the time.

-Watch this. Love you, Garcia! -Love you, man!

Hey, Detrick.

-Love you, bro. -What?

I'm just a boy, standing in front of his boss...

That's not something to joke about.

Love, Actually?

Hm, Yeah. It's Notting Hill, but whatever.

-Hey, Casanova? -Huh?

You coming for my ass next?

Oh!

Oh, I was, uh, hoping nobody noticed that.

I noticed. That's why I made that remark.

Yeah, I would say people clocked it

when you declared your feelings

for the guy who runs the company.

You think they'll make a thing out of it?

Hey, Ned.

I just wanna let you know, um, you complete me.

I think they'll make a thing out of it.

Just curious, do your dad and Marv

go to the same yacht club?

Ha! Okay. Ha, ha! My dad doesn't have a yacht. Okay?

He's a pilot. He owns a Piper Cub twin engine.

He once had to crash land in a field, like Harrison Ford.

So...

Hey, that wasn't too weird back there, right?

Hmm? I'm sorry. I'm busy.

Oh, sure. But, y-you... You heard Marv

say "I love you" first, right?

No, I don't really remember.

I just really need to get back to this.

Sure. Sorry to bother you.

Look. It's not my job to talk about Ned,

or that his dad cheated on his mom

and forgot his birthday two weeks ago

and recently started blood thinners.

Ahem. Okay, guys, uh... This teasing,

it's, uh, great fun, it's part of a comfortable rapport

that we have established and it goes both ways.

Hey, Barry, when was the last time

someone let you talk to your grandkids?

-Whoa, Ned. Jesus Christ. -Oh, my God.

-What? -But just remember,

everybody, that today

is all about pleasing Marv and getting his approval.

We have to make Marv proud!

Ned seems to be working through something today,

which he definitely should be doing.

But maybe not at work.

Well, I knew Ned was ambitious, but "I love you"? My God.

How will I get him fired

now that he's seduced the old man?

Well, there's no way of squeezing

between Ned's lips and Marv's ass, is there?

-We need to get rid of one. -The lips?

No, the ass protects the lips.

We need to remove the ass. We need to get rid of Marv.

Are we really talking about this?

I went to university with a man called J. Autumn Reed,

currently COO of DS Smith.

He is in the midst of a rather nasty divorce

and is looking for a change.

If the board of Enervate got wind of the fact

that Marv is slipping,

and J. Autumn Reed is waiting in the wings,

well they would cast Marv out to sea on a block of ice

with a new Rolex, saying thanks but no thanks.

And I happen to know that J. Autumn Reed

is a man who remembers his friends.

Would J. Autumn Reed

also remember friends of friends?

God, yeah.

-Ken. -Mm-hmm?

We have to know that we trust each other.

Do we not know that?

Well, if Marv hears about this

before they float him away,

we are done.

Listen, babe.

We are in a tribe of two,

indelibly linked together with a silent bond for eternity.

-To the grave. -Sounds risky to me.

See, what if J. Autumn Reed and his wife

patch things up?

Oh, Marv, that's arugula. I see you looking at it.

It's a spicy weed.

Well, I like it.

Ooh, there you are!

Hey, I just wanted to let you know

I'm, uh, running a story meeting soon,

if you want to come watch me.

-I'd love it. -Yeah?

-Yeah. -Great.

Shouldn't be eating this much grease.

Come on. Cholesterol.

-See you soon. -Yeah.

Nice to be doted on.

Well, I've been telling you that pizza's unhealthy for 25 years.

The difference is, he lets me eat it.

So...

You know, this conversation

that maybe you overheard?

I mean, how much of that did you hear exactly?

I didn't hear much. Yeah.

Just the part where you guys were gonna get Marv fired

and then divide the company for yourselves.

-That's the only part. -Oh.

You are such an interesting man.

Bloody interesting.

-Oh, my God. Yes. -Thank you.

I mean, why aren't we down here all the time?

-Well, because of your work. -Yeah.

-Yes. -That's a part of it, yeah.

But this is something that, that we need to change.

-Gotta change. Mm-hmm. -Don't you think so?

Yeah. See, I'm... I'm not just a janitor.

See, I dropped out of college

to become a full time Skype phone salesman.

And I made them pay me in stocks.

Yeah, that's a bet that I wanted to make on myself.

It's a bet that I lost. But sometimes I wonder...

Oh, God, yeah. Well, wonder no longer.

You being down here, that's what's gotta change.

Oh, yes.

How does the phrase,

"Nate Wells, Head of Marketing" sound?

-Oh! -Oh! The head of marketing?

Yes. God, yeah.

Yes, in charge of the, uh, promotion

and distribution of products.

-Very important. -Highly.

Highly salaried.

-Wow. Promotion, sure, but... -Yeah.

-...distribution? -Yeah.

You know, I don't wanna do a job

unless I know I'll be great at it.

Nate, you are going to crush it.

And in return, all you have to do is

not tell anyone about what you heard.

Ever.

-Ever, ever? -Ever, ever.

-I, you know... -Hey, consider this.

Hey! Marv! I saved you a seat.

Welcome! So yes, we have power outage and new hydrants.

What else? Come on. Something with pizazz.

What about natural disasters most likely to strike Toledo?

Ooh, that sounds good. I'd read it.

Oh, fantastic. Well, that was actually one of mine.

-I pitched that one. -Oh, good for you.

Thank you very much.

Well, I am a lone wolf, for sure,

but, uh...

But, yeah, I would like someone to look at me

the way that Ned looks at Marv.

Well, another one I was thinking was, uh, that toll road

that's still really gravelly.

I mean, what are we paying for? Am I right?

Well...

How about Jeep week?

-Oh, yeah. -Seems to be very popular

-every year. -Hell, yeah.

I think toll road is still a winner

and maybe we should focus on that.

All right, what do I know?

I'm just the guy who edits the newspaper.

We didn't even get to cover Jeep Week last year,

because Esmeralda bailed when they wouldn't gift her

a Grand Cherokee.

Well, can't hurt to ask again.

-Cool. -What do you think?

I'm gonna stop you there.

I will not be offering up any agreeable responses

based solely on your title here and the power dynamic.

It's not true to who I am.

Refreshing. Good on you.

Dammit, I like him!

That was fun, guys!

Thanks for backing me up on toll road. I looked stupid.

I looked stupid in front of the boss.

-You don't look stupid! -Ned.

This place is a pig sty.

I know where everything is.

-Hey. -What you got there?

It's the Jeep Week story.

Coming along?

Maybe.

Speak up, Ned. You're mumbling.

I said, maybe!

What do you, uh, do outside this place?

Seeing someone?

Nope.

A man needs female companionship.

What about that, uh, girl sits outside your office?

-Whoa, stop. -You should ask her out.

You have your first boy,

-you gift me a crock-pot. -You're being weird.

-Stop being weird. -It's an Ohio tradition.

Are you gonna get out of my office?

-Leave! -Ooh!

Someone's got the hots.

No one says the hots anymore.

Don't... Hey! Don't say anything to her!

Hi!

Marketing is tricky.

And I don't really have a background in it.

But I noticed for a while now that Enervate's

not really taking advantage of their socials

-like they should. -Mr. Wells.

-So I've been Googling things... -Good to see you.

...and I'm getting... Hello, partner.

-Partner? -Yes, how are you?

Oh, hi! Ciao! Hello!

Wow, you're talking to the crew.

About mops?

Uh, no. We're talking about marketing.

So you know that proposal that you guys offered me?

I thought about it, and you know what,

let's do this.

But which proposal are you talking about?

Oh, yes. About cleaning faster or cleaning better?

Oh, no, you don't have to worry about them.

They're the ones that brought up your evil plan to me.

I figured you already told them.

-We are practicing a play. -Well, we're writing a play...

-Yes. -...is the truth.

We are writing a play together, our first.

-Our first. -And we were just... Hello!

We were just trying to work out

what one of the characters would do

-in a certain scenario. -Yes. In a certain scenario,

uh, these characters would take over.

Which is a very common plot, in so many plays.

Well, a mutiny, basically. I mean, it's been done to death.

-Yes. -So why not, you know,

-do that again? -Why not?

But, but not. But not. We could do anything else.

-Got it. -We could do a movie.

About a musical. About a movie about a musical.

About a movie about a musical, right?

What it was, was it was a loyalty test.

-Yes. -We were testing Nate's loyalty.

It was a loyalty test.

Because janitors, more than anyone,

-they have to be loyal. -Gotta be loyal.

Because of the stuff they find in the trash.

Or in the toilets.

Your Jeep story.

Oh.

Do you like it?

No. I handed it in 'cause I hate it.

Well then scrap it. I don't care.

You're the editor. I trust your instincts.

Fine. I will. I'll scrap it. Yeah?

Again.

You're not gonna do it like that.

You know what?

I don't like you. I don't love you.

And you're getting in the way here.

Okay? We're trying to put out a paper.

Oh, really? Well, I'm very sorry.

I won't be in your way.

That was kind of mean. You're mean.

Yeah. Marv was like Bambi's mom,

and you were like... the gun.

It wasn't that bad, was it?

My Nana lives in a care facility.

If I caught a nurse yelling at her like that,

we'd get a discount that month.

I mean, I guess I'm not a suck-up, right?

'Cause I guess Marv hates me now.

He's gonna shut down the whole paper.

Right, just to be a dick.

-I didn't say that. -Everything's gonna be fine.

Get back to work!

Well, Mr. Yellow Knapsack needs to back off.

Where is he?

Well, good afternoon, Ann Put...

Okay, now don't sweet-talk me today, Ned.

I heard what you did.

That man keeps the lights on over your head,

and this is how you thank him?

By ordering him out of his own newsroom?

And by letting that dimwit

show him a two-paragraph obituary

that doesn't do him justice!

What's wrong with you today, Ned?

Make it right!

God!

Ned, she's not wrong.

Marv can shut down the Truth Teller

if he feels like it.

I think he's probably

just upset about the obituary,

so we'll make it better by writing him a better one.

It'll be a nice gesture, right?

An obituary so amazing,

he'll wish that people were reading it

in tomorrow's newspaper.

Uh, I... That...

It sounds like a threat, it's not a threat.

What's going on? You seem so serious.

Oh, we are serious, I'm afraid, Marv. Ahem.

We hate to be the ones to break it to you.

Yes. We hate this.

Um...

-Go on. -Nate Wells is taking drugs.

-Nate Wells? -Janitor.

-Oh, Nate, yeah. -Yeah.

-Wow. -Wow.

-That's surprising. -Yes.

What kind of drugs?

-Well, synthetic mushrooms... -Poppers, whip-its,

-uppers, downers... -That make you hallucinate

-and hear things. -...designer stuff.

The man is delusional, Marv.

He makes up stuff.

Like, crazy stuff. Like, conspiracy stuff.

Overthrows, backstabbing.

One minute it'll be governments, the next minute companies.

Once a school.

-Yeah. -Yeah.

It's fascinating what imagination does

when drugs come bing-banging through.

Gee whiz. Nate.

-Yes, poor Nate. -Poor old Nate.

"He was a renaissance man,

"toilet paper, envelopes, paper towels,

"he did it all." Yeah.

"It was only his flat feet that kept him out of Vietnam,

"but he finally managed to get there

on a cruise four years ago."

That's good, right? Nice.

So he has no kids. Should we put that?

Like, "He is survived by no kids."

He has no kids?

-Is something wrong with him? -No.

I think we just don't mention that.

His company is his children.

That is beautiful.

-Wanna put it down? -Yeah, put that down.

He is survived by his company.

No. His company is his children.

-God in heaven. -Mm.

Please help my brother, Nate...

...through this dark time and lead him into the light.

♪ Swing low ♪

♪ Sweet chariot ♪

♪ Coming for to carry me home ♪

Hey. Do you have a minute?

I've been working with the staff this afternoon.

We, uh, put something together that I hope you enjoy.

"Marv Putnam is dead.

"He died yesterday.

"He was not surrounded by people who loved him.

"He was surrounded...

by people who adored him."

-Ned, what is this? -Please. If you'll allow me,

we're about to get to a part

I really think is going to blow you away.

We were tearing up just writing it.

Ned, there's something going on, and...

I can't say that I'm not feeling it too.

But it would mean the world to me,

if we don't actually discuss it.

I'm not your daddy.

This is a business.

And we don't shut down a newspaper

because you wrote a bad obituary

or you acted weird.

We'd shut it down

because you don't make any money.

Yeah.

I found out today

that a very sweet man has a drug problem.

That's real.

That's where I'm gonna put my energy.

True love isn't something you just say out loud.

Kids don't get that

because it's based on experience.

Long experience.

You don't have to say I love you to people you actually love.

They know.

Hey, Marv?

Don't forget those Vitamin D pills.

We need you. We need you healthy.

See you tomorrow, Ann.

Forty-two years.

Couldn't do it without her.

My brother's wife.