Original subtitles

So yeah, me and Glen do this

just about every morning.

Usually, I'm loading boxes faster than you can imagine.

But I'm feeling something troublesome

in my L4, L5 vertebrae,

so Glen's handling it for me today.

I appreciate you, brother.

Silent generation.

They do not make them like that anymore.

Excuse me, excuse me, excuse me.

Bathroom. Bathroom.

Right there.

Jesus. Oh, no. Oh, God.

-Excuse me? -It's a pull, dude.

-It's what? -It's a pull.

Every morning, I have a very strong coffee,

and then I cycle to work.

And on my way,

I have to stop at the McGundry Park bathrooms.

I'm a creature of habit.

This morning, those bathrooms were mysteriously padlocked,

so I became a creature of panic.

Sorry, guys. Small bladder.

-Didn't sound like urine. -Take it easy, Glen.

-What did he say? -It didn't sound like urine.

He says it doesn't sound like urine.

Hey, Glen, back to work, bud.

We gotta get these out by 10.

All right, that's pretty good. Anyone else?

Esmeralda, would you like to go next?

Oh, my God. Thank you.

Oh.

Oh, no, I'm sorry. I feel a bit nervous.

A room full with real journalists.

Oh, no.

I'm not nervous in front of nerds.

This is an urgent, necessary story

for anyone who likes being hot.

-That's me. -Bravo, Barry. Exactly.

The Korean beauty company, Ulzzang,

has found that their Phenol Revitalizing Mask

is the most effective face product

in face history. Wow.

-Wow. Um... Yeah. -Yeah.

Yeah. So I love the story.

-Thank you. -I love this story.

If there was just some way to broaden the scope

beyond the existence of a product

and where to buy it.

Oh, yes, of course. I can cover the price as well.

Uh... Ah...

-Okay. I'll pitch my story. -Yes.

And maybe there'll be something in that

that informs what you want to do with your story.

Anything could happen.

Okay.

So, I noticed this morning that the public restrooms

in McGundry Park were suddenly closed.

And I later found out

that they are replacing them with...

an e-bike kiosk?

I mean, really?

Yes.

No, that's it. I don't know where it leads.

-But Nicole... -Yeah?

...do you see the difference?

Um... Esmeralda's article seems like clickbait.

-Yes. -And yours seems like

something my mom would text

and it wouldn't be clear why.

Yeah. So Esmeralda's article was clickbait.

Guys, churnalism, right?

Raise your hand if you've ever actually learned anything

from an article like this.

Not one of... Oh, all of you.

Okay. I just... I'm gonna be honest.

I don't know that there is a place for this...

I wouldn't be so sure.

...Truth Teller moving forward.

How long have you been standing there?

Long enough.

Now, I don't know if I've ever told you guys

about my old childhood friend,

-Douglas Keane. -No.

So, Douglas grew up in a 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff.

-Sounds sick as hell. -It does. Thank you, Travis.

But do you know how Douglas' parents

paid for this 10-bedroom estate in Cardiff?

-No. -Anyone?

-No. -Oscar?

-Textiles? -Pardon me?

-Textiles? -Prostitution.

-Goddamn it. -I'll give you it.

Prostitution.

Well, we are Douglas Keane.

This beautiful office is the 10-bedroom estate,

and these, yes, slightly dodgy clickbait articles

are prostituting themselves for us.

Without them, the TTTwill die in darkness.

-Fine. -Fine.

-Fine. -Fine.

-Thank you. -Thank you.

-Stay. Go? -Go.

Off I pop.

All right. We'll do it,

but we're not doing advertorials.

We will review these products with rigor and integrity.

-Like Wirecutter. -Yes, like Wirecutter.

Wirecutteris amazing.

We'll test the products ourselves,

and we'll tell the truth about them, good or bad.

Okay, you want to take my work from me?

I'll take your work from you.

And I'm going to write about that boring bathroom.

-Would you like that? -I'd love that.

Ned accuses me of sensationalizing stories.

Now, since when sensation is a bad thing?

Ask a box of condoms.

Maybe you'll see what it takes to be a real journalist.

Maybe you will see what it takes to write something

that people in this town actually care about.

Okay, so apparently some generous corporation

sent these to Esmeralda

out of the goodness of their heart.

For free? Hell yeah.

No, not "hell yeah". Hell maybe.

We're supposed to be neutral.

Do not be afraid to ruffle some feathers

over at Flat Belly Enterprises.

Okay, who wants what?

I'll do this Ulzzang thing for my sensitive skin.

Who wants "kombucha for gut health"?

Hm... Is this supposed to be refrigerated?

Juice is better at room temp. Brings the flavors out.

-Can I do this jawline enhancer? -How does it work?

I don't know, but me and my swole jawline

-will report back to you. -Dude, what are those?

Oh, it's melatonin. It helps you sleep.

Can I please have it?

I'll pay you anything you want. I'm getting no sleep.

It's killing me. The doctors can't explain it.

-Sure. -Thanks, man. I appreciate that.

Okay, so does everyone have something?

-Yep. -Awesome.

I think we're gonna have a great time doing this, guys.

Guaranteed six-pack abs. No crunches required, heh.

Obviously, I know these things don't work.

Um...

But they may work for me.

-Hey. -Hey.

Ned just asked me to ask you if you needed an assistant

for the restroom article.

Did he send you to babysit me?

Um...

Mm-mm.

Nope. Just plain assistance.

Oh, you mean like a servant?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, just like a servant.

I think I could accept that.

Good. I mean, the story's gonna be simple.

-It's gonna be like this big. -No, that's your problem.

If you think small, your life is small.

Like an ant.

What you got there, sir?

Oh, they're, uh, mushrooms that make your brain go fast.

Um, yuck. You know mushroom's a fungus?

Like mold or athlete's foot.

Ooh, excuse me, sir.

Why don't you try these?

Wh... What are they?

Pills for men. Soldiers take them.

Oh, there we go. Love that.

What the hell did you just give him?

These are from a family-run business

called Rudy's.

They are what you might call, um, m-male boosters.

Perfectly safe male boosters.

Rudy's as in the gas station?

I think they do sell gas. Yes, Oscar.

Extra potency. Oh, God.

I'm gonna get her pregnant again.

I just can't have any more kids.

Four is just about manageable,

'cause you get one per hand per adult.

But five, I don't even... I've been thinking,

like, how do you even...? How do you even do that?

Do you use a foot? Then people think you're kicking them?

The packaging makes some quite serious claims

about what these pills are capable of,

and if they're true, then...

That could be rather good for me, moving forward.

You would be mad to just rip open a packet

and, um, take them yourself, clearly.

But the King's Taster is there for a reason.

And, um, we shall see what is happening

inside that man as, as time goes on.

He'll be fine. You would hope.

-It hurts a little bit. -Yeah?

-Is it on too high, you think? -Maybe. I can take it.

Oh, my God.

-Dude, this is Level 3. -I know.

Out of ten, that is pathetic, Oscar. Give me, let me try.

Level 3. Okay.

Yeah. See, this is nothing.

This is like half a period cramp.

-You're being dramatic. -What?

I'm sorry. I heard what I said. You're being hyperbolic.

-Oh. -There's no way

a period cramp can hurt more than that.

Turn it up. I'll tell you when it feels like a cramp.

-It's on three. -Yeah. Turn it up.

No.

No.

No.

-Yeah, that's about right. -You're at a 9 out of 10.

Yeah, now add on devastating mood swings, bloating,

and an inner voice that tells you

you'll never amount to anything.

Okay.

-It's tingling, heh. -Mm-hmm-hmm.

-It's a little stronger. -Mm.

-Is it too much for you? -No.

-No? -I feel a difference.

Yeah, you keep feeling that.

It's a little more powerful than before.

Yeah, just a little bit, right?

Nicole's not doing great.

It was the kombucha that got her.

I feel like that stuff,

it does need to be refrigerated.

That's why when you buy it from the store,

it's always in the refrigerator.

This is Frank Durham.

Umm... Mr. Durham, hello.

This is Esmeralda Grand

-from the Toledo Truth Teller. -Okay.

We are writing, um, a nothing story

about a bathroom that was closed in Mac-Uh... Um...

-McGundry. -Mac... Mac...

-Gundry. -Mac-something Park.

You were listed as

the administrative project manager, right?

Can you make this quick?

-Excuse me? -Yeah, I got a lot to do today.

Well, me too, Frank. We all do things on this planet.

Listen, it was just a routine reallocation of space.

We had a public meeting.

There was no dissent, so we did it.

That's great. Thank you so much.

-Thank you so much. -Okay, bye.

Okay.

All right, now we just need

to get a quote from a park user, not Ned,

and we have our piece. Bada-bing, bada boom.

No, bada-beam. Frank Durham is the story.

-What? -Make it quick.

-Such a piece of a big shit. -That's...

You know, he's hiding something.

No, that's just how people talk to journalists.

Well, this is not how people talk to me, okay?

Come on.

-Well, get your stuff. -Okay.

I live to serve.

Hey, we're gonna take off and... Oh, my gosh.

-You look like an avatar. -They're called Na'vi, actually.

Mare, I think we should... Oh, my God!

Oh, don't kill me! Blue beast!

I was just joking. That was just a joke.

No, no, you look handsome as usual, as every day.

-Should we go or not? -Yeah. See you.

Bye.

Oh, no. Uh...

Shoot.

-Hey. -I, uh, I think we're all here.

Ned, Dan is running our Cincinnati papers,

doing an amazing job,

and I asked his boss if you could pick his brain.

Hi, Ned. -Hey, Dan,

thank you for doing this. Big fan of your work.

I loved your piece on the Maumee River algae blooms.

Oh, thank you, buddy.

And Marv told me you sold a ton of toilet paper at Softees.

-Real Renaissance man. -Yeah,

it's a pretty wide skill set, that's for sure.

Turn on your camera, Ned. We can't see you.

Sure.

Hey!

What the hell happened to your face?

Oh, this.

No, it's just for a story

that we're, uh, we're working on.

Oh, good. No offense.

For a moment, I thought you were taking affiliated

marketing kickback from Amazon.

-LikeWirecutter. -Oh.

Not that you would ever do anything that lame.

No, God, no. No, Wirecuttersucks.

Wirecuttersucks.

Yeah, we're working on a story right now about colorism

in the Korean beauty market

and ethical concerns over skin bleaching.

-Am I being scooped right now? -No.

That sounds like a great angle.

We're focusing less on the ethical

and more on the exfoliating properties of the product,

and how that impacts the...

You know, speaking of, it's starting to burn a little.

Ann! RememberSmurfs?

-Hey, can I get in there? -Oh, what do you want?

-I need a sink. -Is she vomiting?

I don't care.

Nicole, I need to get in. My face is very hot.

-I can't, I'm sorry. -No. Come on.

-Go away! -Nicole!

-I'm sorry! Go away! -Please! Please!

Hey. We have some questions

about the recent bathroom closure at McGundry.

Was there a hearing about that?

Looks like there was on the 13th.

-Who are you? -We're reporters.

-Is Frank Durham here? -No.

And I don't see any appointments.

What can you tell us about Frank?

Like, does he drive a car

that is strangely expensive for his salary?

Durham? ESMERALDA: Yes.

A 20-year-old Kia.

-Which kind of Kia? -A black one.

Who are you exactly?

Would you excuse us for a second?

She's onto us.

-She's onto what? -She's onto us.

You distract her.

-You distract her. -From what?

Distract. Ha!

Oh, my God! Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

-What are you doing? -My migraine.

The migraine, you know? Oh, it's so bad. I'm so sorry.

I lay down for a second, and it goes away, I swear.

-Like, so sorry about that. -Where are you going?

-Where are you going? -Bye

Oh, mamma mia.

So, um...

Oh, my God.

Um...

I'm so sorry. Could I... Could you just come over here?

-What? -For a second? I'm sorry.

I just have a quick question.

What kind of electrical socket is that?

Yeah. I feel like I haven't seen one of those since I was a kid.

Does it use a ground pin?

-I wouldn't know. -I know. I...

It's just such a great space.

I don't know if you've thought about

like putting an appliance there or something.

Oh, my gosh, who is that?

Hunka eye candy.

Is he single?

-He passed away. -Oh, I'm so sorry.

No, I just, it's hard to meet people in this...

What did he die of? I'm sorry.

-Let's see. -Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

Oh, my God. It's a big one.

-Yeah. Let's go. -I'm so sorry about that.

You know it happens sometimes. A bullet here.

-Thank you so much. -Ay-yi-yi!

Oh, my God. Ay-yi-yi-yi-yi!

I don't really have a migraine.

This is just me being great at journalism.

Come on.

Take off your mic.

-What? -I'm sorry.

Can you just give us a second, please?

-What are you doing? -Just take it off.

Why?

I'm sorry.

-What? -It just feels hopeless.

I know, but you just got to go for it.

-Amy messed me up, man. -That was a year ago now.

-Was it? -You're a great guy.

-You've got a lot to offer. -You too.

You guys making a movie?

Are you a student film?

-Drama. -Yeah.

-Hello, matey. -Hi.

Just wanted to check in on you as a courtesy.

-How do you feel? -Okay.

Except for like an hour, I was freezing cold.

That would be the taurine. Perfectly normal.

And for a while, I was boiling hot.

Right, well, that's the extract of ghost pepper, I believe.

-Mm. -It's all clearly labeled.

Ken, what if it, like, supercharges my semen?

-Pardon me? -Supercharges my semen.

I can't afford another kid.

Have you never heard of contraception?

Get some sheep intestines,

tie a knot in it, you're good to go.

Her father doesn't believe in birth control.

He'd kill me.

You are in quite a pickle, my son.

-You want my advice? -Yeah.

Listen to your heart.

-Thanks, pal. -For arrhythmia.

Brought on by the taurine.

I took some pictures of his office.

There is this calendar that he has

with a, a sickly little dog on it. Look.

-Okay, so that's Snoopy. -Yeah, I know.

I just don't like him.

Wait, but look.

On the 13th, it doesn't say anything about a public hearing.

It just says trivia night.

Yeah, those kind of men, they love to yell out facts.

Oh, my God. That means he was lying.

-Yes. -He was lying.

-He was lying! -Wow.

Holy shit! Oh, hang on.

-Oh, hello. -Hey, how's it going?

Why are you using that filter?

No reason. Just give me the bathroom update.

-Okay, so he was lying... -He was lying!

...about holding a hearing on the 13th,

but the only proof we have is a picture of a calendar

that Esmeralda took without permission.

-No, but we can't use that. -Oh, my God.

What happened to your face?

It's... It's not so bad.

I mean, the pain I am in is extreme,

but it's gonna be a great piece, so...

That's a black Kia. That's him. That's Frank.

-Oh, my God. -Let's follow him.

-Hey, I told you. -I have to go.

Okay, bye...

All right, it's 5:00, let's see where we are.

How we doing?

Jesus! What's going on with your face?

I... I had a bit of a reaction to the chemical peel.

Oh! Oh, my God.

Okay, focus on your stories, not my face.

Go home, finish your trials,

and come up with some detailed reports.

I can't do that.

No, come on.

-It hurts too much. -A half-day period?

-Aw, must be tough. -Okay, you win. Women suffer.

I'm sorry I said you were dramatic.

I don't want this shit in my mouth anymore.

-Don't say that. -My jaw is the same size,

and I can smell my goatee burning.

-C-Can we just stop? -No, no. Guys,

Esmeralda's story is really taking off.

We don't want to fall behind, okay?

-Ned, none of this is safe. -This is perfectly safe.

It's journalism.

All right, you know what? Watch this.

No.

-Why are you, Ned? -No problem.

-No, it's not bedtime, dude. -It's fine.

While you're at it,

take this one too.

Ooh! Oh, God.

No one is asking you to do this. This shit's gonna kill you.

-There's one more in here. -Mm-hmm.

There's too many.

Should you be combining?

You forgot the TENS machine.

-The what? -The TENS machine.

-Put it on. -Not a problem.

-You're gonna fuck yourself up. -Let me tell you something.

Sometimes you need to go to extremes for a story.

Oh.

Make me proud. I look forward to your reports.

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

All right.

Look! That's him. That's Frank.

What the hell are we doing here?

Well, you are going to go undercover and...

-No. -Yes.

And you are going to squeeze him for information.

-You'll milk him. -Why can't you go?

Because I spoke to him at the phone

and he recognizes my voice, you know.

I could actually try an American accent.

"Merry Christmas, Frank."

-"Nice cheeseburger, buddy." -I'll do it.

-But we have some work to do. -What do you mean?

-I mean that... -I'm not wearing your clothes.

-I look fine. -You don't look fine.

Do you think you look female like that?

-That's... -Come on.

-Where's my bag? -I just... I hate this.

Shut up. Why this car just keeps talking?

-Turn the wipers... -I don't know how this...

This is too much.

This is the best you have ever looked.

And you're doing this for journalism, right?

Your favorite.

Hey, your frown is creasing the foundation.

Okay, thank you.

I just go up to the bar and, like, talk to him?

Yeah, you go and say, hello.

In this fantasy, you are a normal girl.

-Okay, go. -That's so rude.

Howdy, partner.

Oh, hi.

-Is this seat taken? -Hello.

Hi, table for one tonight, ma'am?

Excuse me?

Table for one?

No. No. Never.

What you have here is not food.

It's bullshit. It's not even Italian, you know?

It's a lie. This shouldn't be here, you know?

-Okay. -Bye.

-Hey. -Oh, my God!

What's going on?

Why did you text me "Macaroni Barn, 911"?

Oh, well, because I wanted you to witness in person my triumph.

We are about to take down Frank Durham,

the man responsible for the bathroom closing.

Why does she look like that?

She's undercover as a beautiful woman.

Hi. What are you doing here?

You look... You look so nice.

I think part of your face just fell off.

Oh, thanks.

8:42. Large chunk of left cheek just dislodged.

Pain is down to an 8 and a half.

Are you getting anywhere?

He told me he does do trivia every Tuesday night,

including the 13th.

That's right.

I'm trying to slow play it. I got him to buy me a daiquiri.

-You little slut. I love it. -I know.

So now we have to finish him.

-Okay. -Go back.

Obviously, Mare, you don't have to.

If you're uncomfortable, there are other ways

-we can do this. -I know. I'm good.

You know, it's kind of a... thrill.

Will you be joining us for dinner tonight?

I'm good.

I hate kombucha.

I hate what it's done to me.

How many loaves of bread is that?

I think seven.

I have sourdough, I have white,

pretty much every kind of bread.

-You wanna come in? -Yeah.

I know that intimacy is at the core of our relationship,

-but I think... -Can I watch something?

You cannot watch something!

It's a school night!

I'll have a heart attack if you don't give me an orgasm

-in the next 10 minutes. -Right.

♪ Yeah! It ain't nothin' but a... ♪

Let's see what these gummies can do for my ass.

Mm. Mm!

♪ ...and let the rims spin... ♪

They tastes sweet.

Oh...

You guys, I got his ass.

-You got his ass? -Yeah.

He was bragging about winning trivia night,

and I said, prove it, big boy.

-Oh, no. -And he did.

He showed me a picture with the date on it.

-Oh. Oh, wow. -I took a pic of a pic.

-All right. -Yes, yes.

I think I'm gonna go.

-Okay. -Oh, my gosh.

And all of this, we found out because of me.

Okay, we have to go. He's freaking me out.

All of this, we found out because of me.

Oh, shit!

Hey.

Hey, you dead?

I thought that guy was dead. But he's alive.

You... You've seen that, right?

He looked like he might die tonight still.

So I'm gonna leave.

That way, if he dies later, that's all y'all asses.

Oh, here he is. Hello, mate. How are you feeling?

-Um... -And more importantly,

did you make mad, ravenous, scorpion love

to your wife?

We did it, like, three times.

Wowie. Three times. Big man. Love that.

And yet you're still standing.

Maybe those were just sugar pills.

I mean, three times is pretty standard for us.

Did you guys finish your articles?

No, and I never will.

I'm gonna. That jaw thing was a scam.

First sleepover in the books, not that I slept at all.

No, I was quite busy.

Nicole was puking pretty much the whole night.

I learned that I like being around Nicole

more than I hate being around puke.

It's okay. It didn't get you. It just fell off the side.

It was a great night.

Guys.

I think he stayed up trying to finish the article.

Damn. Skin looks radiant.

-Good morning. -Wakey wakey.

Good morning, sleeping beauty.

You look good.

Let's get you up. Let's get you in the shower.

You're right. I'll condense that quote.

These are great notes.

No, I loved it.

It's great that the Frank Durhams of the world

-know that someone's watching. -Yeah. It was really Esmeralda.

-She was kind of amazing. -Really?

It was nice to see her being part of the team.

Yeah.

-Okay. Thank you. -Uh... Oh, uh, also,

I'm sorry that she made you dress up like that.

I know that's not really your thing.

I dress up.

No, I know, but, like, you know, being... Flirting.

Being flirting?

I don't want to cultivate

a workplace culture

where you feel the need to be sexualized

to get a story, you know?

-Anyone. You, Barry. -Okay.

Why are you being weird?

Ned, what?

That you're an asexual.

I'm sorry, because of your asexual nature.

-But... -Right?

No, I'm not asexual. I...

-You're not? -No.

Why do you... Why would you think that?

I... Well, because Esmeralda...

She...

-Okay. -Okay, goddammit. Esmeralda!

I really would rather...

We're gonna figure this out right now.

-Esmeralda! -Yes?

Why did you lie to me

-and say that she was asexual? -That's...

Who is asexual?

Oh, you... Don't do this,

'cause you said it right to my face, okay?

Well, Ned, I'm so sorry,

but your face is changing all the time.

So sometimes it's hard to say, to remember what I say to it.

You know, yesterday you were blue.

It doesn't really matter why she said it.

It's just really weird that you'd just believe it.

-Right. -No, you're... The twin bed.

-Oh, my God. -You're single.

-You're single. -I...

I feel like there were more reasons.

You're just very gullible.

No. No, no, I'm not gullible.

I'm sorry, believing a lie about me

without asking me about it first?

-Aren't you a journalist? -Okay, bye-bye.

I just...

Look, asking you about it would have been

-totally inappropriate. -Mm-hmm.

The most respectful thing that I could do was... nothing.

Well, thank you so much for respecting me.

I'm gonna go revise this.

I don't get it.

Why is she mad at me?

You can say all the right things,

but some people are just sensitive, I guess.

I don't even think she noticed how revitalized I look.

Terrible, terrible.