Original subtitles

[♪]

Come on.

You guys are so dramatic.

I heard you were sneaking around our gate.

Trying to find a way out, eh?

Cute.

[CHAIR SQUEAKS]

Grab a seat.

I insist.

Okay.

You know,

this gun was handcrafted

in 1862 during the American Civil War,

designed specifically for dueling,

when things get up close and personal,

when you're at war with your neighbor.

Hmm, the bullets are tiny. Don't do shit.

I could say the same about you.

And I'm surprised you'd leave us.

I thought for sure you'd want to watch

your friends in the final round.

Those losers aren't my friends.

Fuck them, and fuck you, you weirdo.

I just want to get out of here.

You are delightful.

And I would wish you bon voyage,

but you got a peek at something you shouldn't have.

I didn't see anything.

Good. There was nothing to see.

Maybe that's why I didn't see it.

- See what? - Exactly.

Oh, and if it's all the same,

I'd like to have you as my guest for the final round.

Just to be safe.

It'd be my fucking pleasure.

Wunderbar.

[PA SQUEALS]

Rise and shine.

The final round of the tournament is here.

In honor of your last morning as my guests,

I've arranged a special treat.

Who loves breakfast?

[FOOD SIZZLING]

All righty.

Let's do bacon and cheddar on the first one.

On the second one, let's go a little more intercontinental.

Let's do mushies, feta, oh, and is that pesto?

Oh, yeah, let's do that.

- BALD CHEF: And for you? - Cheese.

[CHUCKLING] Not so much to say

now that all your little buddies are gone, huh?

I can make new buddies.

But you only had one, and now it's gone.

Harold would want me to kill you,

and I will in his honor.

God, you're a fool.

You've had it in for me

ever since I came to Blackfield.

Blackfield was my asylum.

I was the most popular murderer.

And then you show up

like king shit of fuck mountain.

Nobody steals my spotlight.

Oh, I'm going to be stealing a lot more than that

when this is all said and done.

It's gonna be a pleasure to finally put you in the ground.

Yeah, I bet you think you're going to suck me inside of you.

And I'm telling you right now, it ain't happening.

I don't want you inside of me. I want you dead!

- [BELL DINGS] - BALD CHEF: Your omelet, sir.

Ooh, is that a salsa bar?

Me llamo hungry. Olé!

[LAUGHING]

[BED CREAKING]

Are people aware of how much better

sex in a bed is?

We... Should we tell them?

All I know is you couldn't hit that angle in Roadkill.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY AND LAUGHS]

[SIGHS] Oh, man.

Hey, where are you going?

Come back. For all we know,

the tournament could start tomorrow.

You should try and relax.

I just need to be ready.

I feel like I'm standing at the edge of a cliff.

Yeah, my stomach is all twisted too.

Look, if you're worried we're not going to win...

It's not that.

I'm worried what it'll take to win.

We knew Calypso wasn't going to make it easy on us.

That's what makes your wish...

Our wish worth it.

But if we both make it through this...

John, if we both make it,

that means we each got to get through Raven

and Sweet Tooth and Grimm.

- I know it sounds impossible. - That's putting it lightly.

- The odds are against us. - Fuck the odds.

We keep fighting until we don't have to anymore.

That's all we can do.

All right?

We keep fighting.

Hmm, I notice you didn't mention Mike or Stu.

Oh, yeah. Maybe we can win.

[LAUGHING]

[♪]

We're almost at the finish line.

[♪]

[HUMMING]

MIKE: This is it.

It's all I got left of Dave.

He was simple,

but also complex, you know?

Anyway, may his soul rest as he lived,

chill as hell.

- Are you sure? - Yes.

It's the only way.

You do it.

I'm not strong enough.

[CLATTERING]

It's done now.

[SIGHS]

I know Dave was an eater of man.

He probably would have eaten my ass, too.

When I was alone out there, man, he...

he had my back.

I should have come back for you.

I was a coward.

My best friend was probably murdered,

and I just sat there and let it happen.

Never again, dude.

I'd fucking die for you, Mike.

I won't lose you again.

We ain't dying today.

We're gonna go get that wish.

Hell yeah we are.

- BOTH: Fuck you! - Bring it here, man.

[WINCES]

- Sorry. - It's okay.

- I love you, bro. - I love you too.

QUIET: We need to let May down easy.

She assumes she's coming with us.

Right. That's why I'm saying if you break it to her easy,

she might be more chill.

Okay. She won't, but you'll listen to you.

- She looks up to you. - Yes, I know.

That's because I'm the cool friend.

You're more of, like, an authority figure,

like a dad.

I do not give off dad vibes.

Says the man who grunts when he stands up.

[GRUNTING] Oh, my back, my back.

Okay, all right, Rochambeau for it. Ready?

[LAUGHING]

What the hell is that?

It's a gun.

Gun beats tire. Tire beats road.

No, that's not how you play.

Also, rock crushes gun. I win!

Damn it, I never thought about a rock.

Mayhem?

Where the hell is she?

- Hey! - [GASPS]

[♪]

[WINCES AND GROANS]

[YELPS]

Stu?

STU: I'm okay. I'm fine.

Thanks for the hand, dude.

So, does anybody else have a bag on their head?

CALYPSO: Drivers!

Reveal yourselves!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[♪]

Welcome to the final round!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

My friends,

insiders and outsiders alike,

you have watched these six drivers compete

round after round,

destroying anyone and everyone

who stands in their way.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- Wait! - [SCREAMING]

They've been watching us the entire time?

Come on, Stubert, Let's scoot out of here-aah!

Listen to them! They love me!

Yes!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Fuckin' sheep.

I've never seen this many people in one place before.

I know. It's so many.

[BOOING]

And half of them hate us.

Oh, shit. There's Mayhem.

JOHN DOE: She's got good seats.

QUIET: You think she's okay?

Hmm, she seems fine.

It's better up there with him

than she would be down here with us.

Today, insiders and outsiders

join each other in celebration.

And is there a day more appropriate for unity

than Christmas?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

This time of year was always about hope.

And my drivers have shown you

that if you work hard enough

and pull yourself up by your hubcaps,

you too can achieve miracles.

You can have your greatest wish granted.

I think I'm missing something here, Stu.

What's with all the wish talk?

It's the entire reason we're here.

First I'm hearing of it.

Dude, we talked about the wish

in the weird well room place.

You wanted to keep the coin.

I thought he was joshing.

Joshing? Why would he be joshing?

I don't know, I mean, he seems like a josher,

you know, sneaky, the kind of guy

who'd make you throw away a perfectly good coin

in some dirty water

and then laugh about it with his friends afterwards.

I'm no asshole, Stu.

But you are a moron.

I wish for all the walls to come down.

- [CHEERING] - [COIN PLOPS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[INSIDER WOMAN] Fuck the outsiders!

[BOOS AND JEERS]

Get outta here!

CALYPSO: To win your wish,

you simply must be the last contestant driving.

This day shall henceforth be known

as a new holiday,

the day of Twisted Metal.

- [CHEERING AND APPLAUSE] - [FIREWORKS]

Drivers, on your marks.

- How's your leg? - Not good.

MIKE: Fuck.

[GUNSHOT]

[JIMMY EAT WORLD'S "BLEED AMERICAN" PLAYING]

[♪]

♪ I'm not alone 'Cause the TV's on yeah ♪

Hey, hey, Stu! What are you doing?

- Sorry, force of habit. - Get in!

♪ Every day

♪ And rest Clean your conscience ♪

♪ Clear your thoughts With Speyside ♪

[ENGINES REVVING]

♪ With your grain

[LAUGHING]

♪ Clear your conscience

♪ Clear your thoughts With Speyside ♪

Which one of you motherfuckers is first?

[GUNFIRE]

Whoo! This is feeling right, baby!

- [ENGINE REVVING] - Aah!

- [TIRES SQUEALING] - MIKE: Shit!

Dude, are you good?

Look, I can't do it, man. You're gonna have to drive too.

With what? Calypso kabobbed my thigh!

You're gonna have to steer with me.

- I'll take the pedals. - Are you fucking kidding me?

- [LAUGHING] - [GUNFIRE]

Shit!

SWEET TOOTH: Farewell, my son.

Brake left! Brake left!

[ENGINE REVVING]

[SCREAMING]

Fuck! Aah!

MIKE: Turn, same time.

- Yeah! Yeah! - [LAUGHING]

- There we go! - There we go!

That's it, Stu! That's my guy, Stu!

[GROANS]

RAVEN: Later, dicks.

All right, put on the speed a bit!

- Whoa! - [LAUGHING]

MIKE: Oh, shit, is that John?

Yeah. Somebody's gotta win, right?

- Yeah! - BOTH: Here comes Hammerhead!

You're not my guy, Stu! Fuck you!

Hey, it looks like Mike and Stu aren't playing around.

I might be in trouble out here.

QUIET: John, I'd love to save your ass,

but I got a clown crawling up mine.

Oh, looks like your friends are already on the ropes.

I don't have any friends.

Interesting.

And here I thought these two were making you soft.

I've always said that family, friends,

they make you weak.

Strength...

comes from standing on your own.

I see that strength in you.

Can I interest you in some elk cheese?

It's delightfully gamy.

[♪]

- [ENGINE REVVING] - [GUNFIRE]

SWEET TOOTH: I always liked you, Quiet.

Gosh, not too long ago,

you were a little fishy in my tank.

I'm glad you got out,

'cause chasing you down is way more fun.

How is he so goddamn fast?

[MOTORCYCLE ENGINE REVVING]

Oh, there you are.

Kill you later, Quiet.

You're mine!

[GROWLING]

John, bring 'em to me.

- Don't slow down. - [TIRES SQUEALING]

[GUNFIRE]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[GUNFIRE]

[METAL CLANGS]

- This is it! - Sorry, John.

- [ENGINE REVVING] - Oh, sorry, Stu.

Oh... turn! Turn!

STU: No! Fuck!

Mike! Mike!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - SPECTATOR: Kill 'em, yeah!

- [ENGINES REVVING] - [TIRES SQUEALING]

[LAUGHING]

One car down,

and five to go.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[GUNFIRE]

SWEET TOOTH: Where are you going, Grimm?

[LAUGHING]

- [TIRES SQUEALING] - Oh, what have we here?

Grimm's my main course,

but your nasty little ass can be my appetizer.

The clown's trying to fuck me?

Good thing I brought protection.

[CLICKING AND HUMMING]

Here comes the pain!

[AMPLIFIED CACKLING]

[ELECTRICAL HUMMING]

[CACKLING]

A shield? That's not the spirit of the game.

Fucking cheater!

[LAUGHS] Kiss me, and I'll kiss you back.

[CLINKING]

[YELPS]

- [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] - Let's go! Let's go!

[SIGHS AND WHIMPERS]

[BLOWS AND GIGGLES]

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

What is she doing?

[ELECTRICAL HUMMING]

Honestly, it's pretty badass.

Cheat codes? Pathetic!

[LAUGHING]

Who wants it next?

I want carnage, not trickery.

[CRACKLING AND BUZZING]

[ELECTRONIC CRACKLING]

Fuck!

Fuck a force field.

All I need is force!

There, balance restored.

Are you enjoying the show?

[SLURPING]

[LAUGHING]

[SOFTLY] Come on, John.

Come on, Quiet.

[GUNFIRE]

Hey, could you help me get them off my ass, please?

On it!

[ENGINE REVVING]

All right, Raven, now it's just you and me.

[ENGINE REVVING]

I had you all set up to win,

but you threw it all away for the nookie!

- [GUNFIRE] - Oh, shit!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[GROANS]

[GUNFIRE]

- [ENGINE REVVING] - [TIRES SQUEALING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[ELECTRICAL HUMMING AND CRACKLING]

[LAUGHING]

[ELECTRICAL CRACKLING]

[ROCKET WHOOSHING]

[LAUGHING]

Now I'm glad you didn't drive for me.

You suck at this.

Hey, Raven...

get fucked!

[SCREAMING]

[BOOS AND JEERS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Kiss my ass, Raven!

[♪]

[PANTING]

May I have this dance?

[♪]

- [GUNFIRE] - [TIRES SQUEALING]

- [ENGINE REVVING] - [ROCKET WHOOSHING]

Okay, dummy, you go left, I go right.

I mean, mix it up a little.

Raven's out! We're almost there.

I'm trying to line up Grimm, but he's squirrelly.

- [GUNFIRE] - [GROANING]

Hey, that kill is mine!

Does dibs mean nothing to you people?

Wait, does your Roadkill have the red lever?

Fuck, yeah, it does. Line 'em up.

Ooh, predictable.

JOHN DOE: Ready.

QUIET: Now!

[METAL CLANKING AND SCRAPING]

Bye-bye!

[LAUGHS]

[YELPING AND GROANING]

[LAUGHING]

[SIGHS]

SWEET TOOTH: Oh, yeah, that's the stuff.

[EMPTY CLANGING]

Time to settle this, Grimm,

once and for all.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

- [GRUNTING] - [METAL CLANGING]

[LAUGHS]

Yes, Grimm!

ALL: Grimm! Grimm! Grimm! Grimm! Grimm!

No!

This is my show!

[GRUNTS]

- [ROARING] - [GRUNTS]

It's just hands and noses now.

- [GUNFIRE] - [YELPS]

Hey! Hey!

This doesn't concern you.

[GRUNTING]

You can kill me, but at the end of the day,

you'll still be a sad, pathetic clown,

Marcus!

[GRUNTING]

[LAUGHING]

But everyone will know my name.

- [GRUNTING] - Sweet Tooth!

- [SQUELCHING] - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Bullseye.

Booyah! [LAUGHS]

[GIGGLING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHING]

I would like to see that on the replay.

Oh, wait, I can.

- [CROWD CHANTING] - [LAUGHING]

Oh, yes!

Now time for the real fun to begin.

We're close to the end, folks.

But I have a feeling some of you out there

would love a little twist.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

What's a final round

without a final boss?

[HELICOPTER THRUMMING]

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[♪]

Please welcome to the game...

Minion!

[♪]

[LAUGHING]

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

[♪]

[CALYPSO LAUGHING]

It's wonderful, isn't it?

I mean, yes, you could have warned them,

but it's better this way.

They'll never hold you back again.

[LAUGHING]

[♪]

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

What the hell is that thing?

A robot or a monster.

A robot monster?

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

Okay, tough guy, game on.

Here we go.

[GRUNTING]

Ah, goddammit!

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

[THUDS]

Well, guess we're gonna do this the old-fashioned way.

[GUNFIRE]

Shit, this motherfucker's fast.

[GRUNTS]

I'd like to go to your gym.

- [CRACKING] - [YELPS]

[LAUGHING AND WINCING]

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

[YELPING]

[CRUNCHING]

[LAUGHING]

- [CRUNCHING] - [GROANING]

This is bad.

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

[WINCING]

[LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

That all you got?

[YELPS]

[CLANGS AND THUDS]

CALYPSO: Ooh! [LAUGHING]

Sad clown.

[♪]

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

JOHN DOE: Move! Move!

[ENGINE REVVING]

[GUNFIRE]

Holy fuck!

What do you want to do about this whole final boss situation?

I have no idea, but I'm starting to think.

Calypso might not want anybody to win this tournament.

Why go through all this trouble?

JOHN DOE: Question for another day.

Right now I'm wondering how to beat this son of a bitch.

Oh, shit!

QUIET: Whoa!

[ENGINE REVVING]

JOHN DOE: Shit-face, you missed!

[MECHANICAL GROWLING]

[GUNFIRE AND ROCKETS WHOOSHING]

Ooh!

Hey, John. Remind me,

how is Roadkill's turning radius?

[LAUGHING]

JOHN DOE: Fucking awesome!

[ENGINE REVVING]

Let's show this big red motherfucker

what Roadkill is made of.

QUIET: You got it. Locking on.

- [GUNFIRE] - [METAL CLINKS]

[MECHANICAL GROANING]

I found a weak spot on its back!

Okay, I take left, You take right.

We'll outflank him together.

Wouldn't want it any other way.

[TIRES SQUEALING]

Shit.

Game over.

[ENGINE REVVING]

Oh, god.

Quiet!

[TIRES SQUEALING]

[SCREAMING]

[CROWD EXCLAIMING]

John!

Oh! [LAUGHING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Oh, looks like we may have a winner.

[LAUGHING]

[SCREAMING]

[ENGINE REVVING]

[CALYPSO LAUGHING]

Double elimination!

[WINCING]

John!

John! John...

John, come on, damn it, wake up!

Wake up, please!

John!

John, goddammit, wake up!

- [CALYPSO LAUGHING] - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

John!

[♪]

Mike?

Mike.

Mike! Wake up, dude!

Mike!

I'm so sorry, man.

You didn't deserve this.

I love you, man. Wake up!

I'll avenge you.

I promise.

[ENGINE REVVING]

All right, you crazy fucks,

it's time to feel the wrath of...

Wait a minute.

Where is everyone?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Wow.

Okay, uh...

ladies and gentlemen,

please congratulate the victors,

Mike and Stu!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Oh, wait, Mike's dead.

Uh, just Stu!

- I won? - CROWD: Stu! Stu! Stu! Stu!

Stu! Stu! Stu! Stu!

Stu! Stu! Stu!

John!

CROWD: Stu! Stu! Stu!

[LAUGHING]

[SHOUTS]

[COCKS GUN]

I will be leaving now, you greasy-haired little bitch.

Well, I tried.

Go on. Go to them.

[LAUGHING]

It's not going to matter soon anyway.

We did it, Mike.

- I'm the winner! - [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Yeah! I'm the winner!

[SCREAMING AND PANICKING]

[SCREAMING AND PANICKING]

[♪]

Jesus Christ.

[♪]