Original subtitles

Ward, I'm very worried about Beaver.

- Mom's favourite vase. - Don't play ball in the house.

Sit on it, Fonzie.

What about me, Valerie? What about my feelings?

Hey, I knew everything would be all right. Dyn-o-mite!

During the '70s, millions huddled in front of their TVs

to watch the frothy antics of The Glimmer Gang.

Dickie Roberts formed the centre of the show.

His crooked smile and casually tossed-off catchphrases

became the fad of a nation longing for escapism.

This is his story.

Peggy Roberts had one goal in life, to be in showbiz.

When she got pregnant, she felt it only slowed her down.

Peggy never named the father, but the most persistent rumour

concluded that it was David Soul, the hunky actor from Starsky and Hutch.

And on July 21967, Dickie Roberts came into the world.

Peggy began auditioning him for acting parts almost daily.

Here's Peggy in a 1989 interview.

When it came to auditions, I used to dress him up.

If they wanted a cowboy, they got a cowboy.

If they wanted a girl, I'd give 'em one.

He once auditioned for Pippi Longstocking. And he got the part.

I felt so stupid holding the kid's hand. It was rough on me.

In 1972, when NBC created a show called The Glimmer Gang,

Dickie was cast immediately.

The show became an instant success.

Soon Dickie's picture was plastered on magazines and lunch boxes.

And his trademark catchphrase was everywhere.

This is nucking futs!

But after six years of success, the ratings began to slip.

And just as fast as the Dickie phenomenon exploded, it was over.

Dickie's mother soon after left him and moved away.

He found himself alone. Here's former "Eight Is Enough" star, Dick Van Patten.

Stardom is really hard on child actors.

When you throw in a horrible stage mother like Peggy Roberts,

poor little Dickie had no chance.

Nobody would hire the troubled actor.

Pictures surfaced of Dickie's odd behaviour,

including compulsive glove wearing.

He had his name legally changed to David Soul's Son.

Then, tired of explaining who David Soul was, he tried Hutch's Son.

Later, he changed it again to the symbols for fluorine,

titanium and zinc.

Today, Dickie Roberts is certain that a comeback is in the cards for him.

He's working as a valet parking cars, but as everybody knows,

in Hollywood sometimes your dreams can come true... again.

This is the story of Dickie Roberts, the E! True Hollywood Story.

Welcome back to Celebrity Boxing, with our "Quake At The Lake" edition.

Tonight's going to be an amazing fight, the clash of the titans.

Former Webster star Emmanuel Lewis goes toe-to-toe with Dickie Roberts.

Coming to the ring, in the white trunks, from The Glimmer Gang,

Dickie Roberts!

Now his opponent,

wearing black trunks, standing 4ft 3 inches, weighing 92 pounds,

Emmanuel Lewis!

- It's Lewis time. - Lewis time.

- Right now. - Lewis time.

Uh-oh, look.

When was this guy in the joint?

You suck.

- What did she just say? - Did you hear that?

Let's be friends!

I liked your show.

- I'm throwing in the towel. - No.

The winner, "Celebrity KO" champion! The winner!

I can't believe this.

What am I doing here?

Come on, Cyndi. We'll get it fixed then we'll be back home to Hollywood.

- I like your hat. - Shut up.

First you get your ass kicked by some guy half your size.

I think he's on the juice.

I think you're just a puss. Look, we're broke, OK?

Now might be a good time to sell that stupid autobiography

you write all the time.

I can't publish because it ends with me being a loser.

I have to wait until I'm back on top, which I will be soon.

I'm going to have a comeback.

There's something you've got to face. There won't be a comeback.

Yes, there will be. I know it.

- So pathetic. - There has to be!

Oh, my God!

Maybe we can drive it out of here.

- Does insurance cover that? - What? Being a moron?

No, they squeeze out of it with that "act of an idiot" clause.

Here's a car. Get in, then stall him so I can get in.

Yeah, I know the drill, chimp.

- Where are you going, stud? - Up to you, sweetheart.

Hey, wait. Open up. Cyndi, come on.

What are you doing?

Come on, I'll be a star again.

- Dickie! - Leif, how you doing? Good to see you.

Oh, my God! You're Leif Garrett. I used to have such a crush on you.

- Can I have your autograph? - You want mine, too? Dickie Roberts.

- No, I'm fine. - On a $5 bill?

Make it a 20?

- Thanks. - They're sweet.

- So, what's up? - Just back from a successful TV stint.

- No such thing as bad press, right? - Unless it's that.

- What you been up to? - I got a record out I'm happy about.

Went on an acting audition about three months ago.

Great. I've been going on movie auditions like every day.

You going to read for Mr Blake's Backyard?

I definitely am. I was... What's that one again?

Rob Reiner's new film. It's the talk of the town.

Rob Reiner. Did his dog have puppies yet? I should write him.

I have to call him. I left my sweater in his guest room. Mr Blake's Backyard?

Remember how Sinatra in his comeback played Maggio

in From Here To Eternity, then won the Oscar?

Or Travolta in Pulp Fiction? It's the role of a lifetime.

- Great. I got to go. Good to see you. - We still on for poker Thursday?

Sidney, where are you? I left three messages.

There's a new Rob Reiner movie. You've got to... I got to go.

Are you going to park cars? They're stacking up.

I only hired you because I used to watch your show and your life is pathetic.

Thanks for being a fan.

You know what? You never get anywhere unless you bend the rules.

This is the Wernick Agency. This is his assistant Shakiqua.

Sidney, where have you been?

Oh, sorry.

You know those pigeons I feed? They attacked me. I had to get stitches.

Wait a second. Come on, what is this guy doing?

Move that pile. The light ain't getting any greener, jarhead.

Screw you. Step out of that wussy car and talk to my face.

Screw you! I'll kick your steroid-Ioving ass. Moron! Juju bean!

- I'm going to bust you up, man! - Smell you later, stink bomb.

I'll find you. 3-G-Q...

Aren't you worried about that guy tracking you down?

No, I'm in someone else's car. Plus the windows are tinted.

This movie part sounds like the key. Get me in to see Rob Reiner.

Let me ask you this. You got any ideas?

'Cause that's out of our league.

You want to get on elimiDATE, that's different.

If I talk to some movie stars, they can help.

- Where will you meet movie stars? - That's the easy part.

So I woke up in a boxcar outside Lincoln, Nebraska, at 5 a.m.

- Hey, Tom Arnold, what's up? - It's Tom A in here, OK?

Keep quiet, it's just getting good. She's a cross-addicted sex addict.

I see you on TV all the time. What's up?

Orville and Wilbur called. They want your collars. They're taking off at sundown.

- What does that mean? - They invented the airplane.

- And your lapels are unusually huge. - That's funny.

- Or is it? - I can bench-press 350 pounds.

That's a lot. I see you everywhere. You're kicking ass.

True Lies was great. Can you get me in with Rob Reiner?

Excuse me, sir. Can we help you?

Are you here because you're an alcoholic?

Whoa, no! Don't get that floating around town.

The last thing I need is people to think I'm some drunk alky loser.

Not that it's bad. It's cool.

- You need to be an alcoholic to be here. - All right.

There's got to be another AA meeting around here somewhere.

Bingo! I'll take Brendan Frasier to block.

Sorry I'm late, but I am wasted.

Drinking shots like a madman. I am chalked, cocked and crapulous.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor! Right?

Who's with me? This guy knows what I'm saying.

- Can we help you? - Oh, God, I hope so.

My name's Dickie Roberts and I'm a whisky-puking alky.

That's all very interesting, but this is a Lamaze class.

Oh, OK, nice to see you.

I'm telling this story to everybody. That's got to be the dumbest thing ever.

Maybe. But what are you doing in a Lamaze class? Is your wife pregnant?

- My wife is pregnant. Have you met? - No.

We have. Three years ago you hit on me. I shot you down.

Then you stole my number.

We've been married more than three years.

Then you drunk-dialled me 30 times trying to hook up a booty call.

Yes, right! What's up?

- I got to pee. Nice to see you. - It's good to see you again.

Anyway, Brendan, I'm a big fan and...

You think you could score if I got you an audition for Mr Blake's Backyard?

- Of course. - Yeah. Is it Rob Reiner?

- I love Brendan Frasier. - Fraser.

It is Fraser. It's Fraser. Why do people say...

So my good buddy, maybe you've heard of him,

Jorge of the Jungle, Brendan Frasier... You heard me, I didn't stutter...

Brendan Frasier is going to make a call, hook me up with Rob Reiner.

Did Mr Frasier call you? I'll believe it when I see it.

OK, I raise ten bucks.

Actually, one buck and...

...the braces Marcia wore in the "Brace Yourself" episode.

- Easily worth $9 on eBay. - Gross. I'm in.

I'm in.

Anybody see who People magazine gave "Sexiest Man Alive" to?

George Clooney. Don't get it!

Who's voting on that stuff?

George Clooney is a great star. He's huge and deservedly so.

- I loved that boat movie. - You know who I don't get? Brad Pitt.

What's up with Brad Pitt?

Are girls really into guys with great hair, pretty faces and built like a truck?

Yeah.

One time, someone thought I was Brad Pitt from the side.

I know 20 people who thought you were a girl. And not from the side!

- Watch it. - All right. I'll raise you two bucks.

With this authentic replica of the jinxed Tiki idol

in the Brady episode "Hawaii Bound".

- Easily worth two bucks, eBay. - I'm out.

- I'm out. - I'm out, too.

There's your two. And you know who I don't get? Vin Diesel.

- Who's Vin Diesel? - I mean, is he good-Iooking?

I don't know what's going on with him. Is he Chinese?

That's so horrible. You're a dick. Besides, he'd kick your ass.

Come on, Dickie. How jealous can you get?

It's getting bad. Vin Diesel's actually a cool guy.

- Great. - He actually lent me money once.

- I just want to be a star again so bad. - What do you miss the most?

It's not the limos. It's not the girls, the money, the parties.

The girls! The money! The parties!

Wait! You guys had limos?

It's not that stuff I miss. It's something else. Something I miss so bad it hurts.

I miss the love, you know.

My mom loved me when I was a star. People loved me when I was a star.

When somebody loves you it gives you a centre, makes you feel good inside.

That's what being a star did for me. But it's all going to happen.

I got my fingers crossed. I got my hopes up for this Rob Reiner thing.

Anyway, back to work. Two pair, Williams. Read it and weep.

What are you, nucking futs? Four of a kind. You lose.

Oh, man.

Oh, and, Dickie. They don't give out giant Rob Reiner parts to guys like us.

I'll bet you $1,000... $100 and the actual football we used

to hit Marcia in the face with in that "Oh, My Nose, My Nose" episode,

Brendan Frasier never calls.

- Hold, please. - No freakin' way.

Go for Dickie... Brendan.

Of course I can meet Rob Reiner tomorrow at noon.

You came through. Thank you.

Oh, my God, he did it!

Sidney, this is the big one. I can feel it.

- Thanks for lending me your car. - Go! Hang on to that energy.

I will. I'm going to nail this bastard.

Remember. You believe, you'll receive. Doubt, you'll go without.

Here's my song. I've got to go.

It is the night My body's weak

I'm on the run No time to sleep

Word to your mother. I've got to ride, ride like the wind

To be a star again Changing the words, not the vibe.

This part is mine!

Boom.

- Hold the door. Hold it. - OK.

I got...

Of course. Sorry about that. I couldn't be late to see Rob.

Yikes. I mean, not yikes. I mean, what bump?

Hey, are these Mr Blake's Backyard? Can I have one?

Everybody in town is dying to read it, but this script's on a total lockdown.

However, I'll sneak you a copy 'cause I recognise you from that TV show.

- You will? - Sure.

Although you'll have to wait until hell freezes over, asshole!

Yes? Yeah.

- Mr Reiner will see you now. - OK.

Dickie Roberts! This is nucking futs! Say it.

- This is nucking futs! - Hilarious!

Now say it in Spanish. I'm kidding you.

So Nicholson says to Tom Cruise, you know, in that Jack voice of his,

"That Demi Moore's a really good actress. We should retitle the movie:

A Few Good Men And One Damn Hot Chick With Huge Boobs. "

Didn't I see you parking cars at Morton's Restaurant?

Me? Yes, you did.

I'm researching a role for a movie and that movie is called Valet Parkers.

But if I got your movie, I'd turn that thing down. Who cares?

So, this part.

You are exactly the height that I imagined.

You have the right build, the right hair, the right basic look.

Know this, I will do any form of drastic cosmetic surgery to help the look.

But... And this is a very big but.

This is a huge acting part. I mean, the entire movie hinges on this performance.

And, Dickie, I just don't think you could handle it. Because... well...

- Because you're not a real person. - Not real?

I don't mean to insult you.

When an actor researches a part, it takes weeks, sometimes months.

To research this part, you'd have to find out what it's like to be normal.

That's this guy. Just a simple normal guy.

- That's easy. - You don't even know what normal is.

You completely missed out on the basic foundation of adulthood.

- Which is a childhood. - Who cares about all that stuff?

I'm good. Throw me something from this "childhood" I missed.

I'll act it out. Check it out.

All right. Let's say you're six.

Let me see the look on your face on Christmas morning

when you creep down the stairs and see that red bike under the tree.

You probably never had that experience.

Six. Bike. Tree. Stairs.

Fake stairs.

- Holy shit, a bike! - You're six.

- Holy crap, a bike! - You're six.

- Ga-ga, goo-goo, bikey. - Too far back.

You're a mess. I don't know what you'd have to do to straighten out.

You'd probably have to relive your entire childhood.

Wait...

I'm not casting for a couple of months, but barring some kind of miracle,

- I don't think this is right for you. - But you just said.

- Said what? - If I relive my childhood. I can do that.

- You're going to hire a family? - That's why I'm selling my book.

We're happy about that. This is amazing stuff. What a life.

I only ask that you minimise the sexy, sensational stuff.

It might hurt my career with people like Rob Reiner.

On page 47 it says you had a whistle stuck up your ass.

Yeah. We should cut stuff like that.

- It's a whole chapter. It's fantastic. - I had a light bulb up there, too.

- A light bulb? - Partially. It was sticking out a little.

When I bent over, it looked like my ass had a good idea.

- This whole thing sounds bizarre. - I need this.

You know I want a big comeback and this is the one. Please help me.

Our standard advance for something like this is $30,000.

Did you say $30,000? Holy God Almighty, we'll take it.

You have 67 messages. First message.

Saw your ad about hiring a family...

You that actor guy needs a family?

Yeah, but this won't work. But thank you.

- Get back here. Dance with the devil. - Leave me alone.

You got the cizash, we got the family.

Sad Eye Sadie, Mad Dog, is it, giant?

I'm going to think about it.

Straight. Hey, yo, Dickie. You nuckin futs, yo. Call a bitch.

I don't actually have a family per se.

Is it hot in here? I'm just going to take off my robe.

Oh, God, this one's been teasing me.

Come on, Popeye.

Hello. Hi. May I help you?

I got a message that you're willing to put me up.

Sorry, there must be some mistake.

No, 741 Mockingbird. Is this the Finney residence?

Yes, but I don't know what you're talking about.

- Hey, George. - Hey, Andy.

- Dickie Roberts. This is nucking futs! - It is.

George Finney. Big fan. I just loved your show.

Oh, my goodness! I thought you looked familiar.

- But did you... - I should explain.

Dickie and I talked on the phone about a business venture. I'll explain everything.

It's OK. It's all right.

This is the casa. Kids!

Kids, come here for a second. I want you to meet somebody.

- Can I talk to you a minute? - One second.

This is Sam and Sally.

Sam's the boy, so that must make her Sally.

OK, you guys make small talk and Grace and I will hammer out some details.

Hi. How are you?

We're fine. How are you?

You invited a stranger to live in our home!

It's only for a month or so.

You just finished night school, studied your interior design thing.

- That cost money, money we don't have. - That's why I took those classes.

- So I can contribute an income. - When?

We could use this extra money. Pay for some TV ads at the car lot.

Take some of the pressure off of me.

I'm asking this as a favour. Help me out with this.

I think it'll be a good thing.

- I'm going to need a bed. - Should it be a crib?

Here's 20. Let's just bring it back in touch.

- How about a water-bed? - A water-bed?

Got a little lower back noise. My neck's crunching up.

Think I'll move in tomorrow. Operation Redo Childhood is about to begin.

I don't want him in our room.

We really want this to work out, so let's be as accommodating as possible.

I like that. I like where you're headed. It's the right attitude. All right!

I'm calling Reiner's office over and over. They won't put me through.

I must've left five, six, seven, eight messages.

Then leave nine, ten or eleven. By the end of all this, they got to audition me.

- I bet you wish you had a better agent. - No. Come on. We're a team!

I read that script Mr Blake's Backyard last night.

I couldn't make head nor tails of it. It's got so much adult stuff.

I didn't know what was going on. Maybe I do need to learn something.

With Hutch as your dad, you've got more talent than half the actors in this town.

- Sidney, David Soul's not my father. - Kid, I'm sorry. Is it Starsky?

No, it's neither.

I don't really remember my real dad.

The only memory I have is playing that board game Candy Land.

I was about five or six. We were laughing and I was really happy.

But then he left. It was just me and my mom, then she left, so...

- I'm sorry, kid. - The point is, you've always been there.

You've been a good guy. You're a good agent. I appreciate it.

You go do your project.

I'll do whatever it takes to get you that audition.

I never doubted you for a second. We're a team.

- We're going to get this. - Go get 'em.

Another thing, Stranger Danger, these video games are mine.

And Sally's stuff, that's hers. So no touching.

Can you knock it off with the Stranger Danger moniker?

I think this water-bed thing is silly. Are you cuckoo in the head?

Don't turn on that hose. You'll get a Water Wiggle action.

- Water Wiggle? What's that? - The toy? Water Wiggle?

You don't know what toy that is?

Man, this is sad. You really did miss out, didn't you?

I can teach you how to put Preparation H on your eyes to remove bags.

I'll help you, you help me.

It will beat the crap out of you.

It's less of a toy, more a bruise machine.

That's interesting. What other toys should I know?

GoBots, Hot Wheels, Robo Dog.

- Transformers. Stratego. - Slip 'N Slide. Mousetrap.

- Trolls. He-Man. - Hurry Up. Slinky.

- Doomarena. Pac-Man. - Click-Clacks. Clue.

- Wheelo. Caterpillar. - Donkey Kong. Duncan Yo-Yo.

- Razor Scooters. - Return To Wolfenstein.

Enough. Don't make me call the Guinness Book.

But what about the best game of all? Come on, guys. Candy Land?

- No. - Don't know it.

I got you! Candy Land. That was the most fun I had as a kid.

I picked the card with the ice-cream bar on it... We have a winner!

Whatever. It's Water Wiggle you should be thinking about.

Steady, Chicken Little.

You like that?

Yeah. What happened, bitch?

That Water Wiggle thing. It's like a Stephen King movie. It's a toy?

So this is Water Wiggle. Any other toys you want to show me?

- Oh, my gosh, look at all this shisit. - What's shisit?

It's a secret way to swear. Learn from me, I'll learn from you.

These are our toys from when we were kids.

- Yeah. - Seems like only yesterday.

We sure did have a lot of shisit.

- Farm-A-Long. - The rooster crows his morning crow.

- The horse whinnies for its riders. - Boring.

Let me guess. The cow says moo and the duck says quack.

You need to update this thing. How about the sprinkler says...

Yeah. And the motorcycle...

And the jet ski, similar to the motorcycle, not the same...

See, it bogs out a little 'cause you got water in the carb.

Sally's looking at me like, "You're an idiot."

Get in line because my ex-girlfriend says, "You're a loser."

The casting director says, "You're washed up."

My mom says, "You're an embarrassment."

And the guy in the street says, "You suck," and I said, "No, you suck."

And he goes, "You know you suck." And I go...

The rooster crows...

What else you got?

- Could you pass the potatoes? - Popeye, no. Go.

Where's my field hockey jersey? I couldn't find it.

I washed it and folded it and put it in your drawer. No wonder you couldn't find it.

What's with the gloves? It's freaking me out.

Sanitary reasons.

Keep going. Talk, talk, talk. I love all this normal crap.

- Crap? - Stuff. Normal stuff.

Where's George? I want a little dad action.

He's hardly ever at dinner.

Jane called. She wants you to call her. Who's this Jason boy?

Just some boy. But Heather Bolan is totally stealing him away from her.

- Why? - Because she can.

She's the most beautiful girl in school and gets whatever she wants.

Heather Bolan has an older brother. He's a real jerk.

- Totally picks on Sam. - Seems like everybody at school does.

There's my phone. Two seconds.

Go for Dickie. Hey, Sidney.

I just got back from Rob Reiner's office.

Guess who was there. Sean Penn.

No! Not Sean Penn! Not Sean Penn! Damn!

Don't worry. I struck up a friendship with Rob's security people.

- I feel we're moving forward. - Yes.

This studying being a kid is going great.

I'll nail that part like Jesus the carpenter. See you later, buddy.

I'm sorry. I get a little excited. I'm going to go drain the main vein.

I mean, I go pee-pee now.

It's so crazy. The Water Wiggle thing was a joke.

He destroyed this toy that pissed him off. He's out of control.

We don't want him around any more. Make him go away.

I'd like to, but your father made this deal with him.

Let's pretend that staying in our tree house is good for his project.

- The tree house is pretty old and crappy. - So is he.

We want him out of our house, don't we?

We came up with a great idea. Maybe you should stay in the tree house.

Great idea. A real kid would do that, wouldn't he?

Yeah, that might be fun. All right.

- I wonder what he's doing up there. - Who cares? He's out of our house.

- But still. - It actually looks pretty cool.

- Is that a disco ball? - Maybe we should peek our heads in.

OK. Let me do the talking.

May I help you? Was I being too loud in my tree house?

We just wanted to know if we could come up.

Come up? All right. For a little bit. See what you're missing.

- You really fixed this place up. - Yeah, I did.

Put a little lipstick on this pig.

But I'm confused because you like it now and I thought the tree house was a drag.

If I took a poll, people would say it sucked.

But maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm stupid. Maybe I'm a dumb-dumb.

- It is kind of cool now. - Cool now!

"It's kind of cool now."

- Let's go. - Wait. Don't leave. You guys can stay.

What do you want to do?

And so the hook hand was hanging there on the car door.

- That was intense. - OK, now it's my turn.

All right.

This is the story of the witch of Cloverfield Central School.

Once upon a time, there was this witch in school.

She was a very, very bad witch.

All the boys liked her because they didn't know what a bad witch she was.

Sally, does this witch have a name?

No, not really. Just a witch.

Right. And, Sally, what does this witch look like?

OK, she dresses very nice 'cause her dad has a lot of money.

Really hot Capris. Super-tight Zutopia tops.

I don't think this is a witch. I think it's Heather Bolan.

What? That's crazy. OK, it's Heather Bolan.

I don't like her and I've never met her. Anyone who bugs you can't be good.

Now it's my turn.

My story's called The Day The Sitcom Got Cancelled.

The sky, she was stormy that night.

Suddenly the phone rang.

The little boy's mother picked it up. "Hello?"

The evil producer on the other end said, "The ratings have hit a six-year low."

It gets scarier. "The network is in a panic."

Yeah. Here's where it heats up. They didn't have a replacement show.

- No. - Oh, my God. Dickie.

I know. What are they going to do?

What? What's wrong?

OK, I'll stop. What?

- No, don't. Get him away. - He's having a nightmare.

He's been talking in his sleep for the last hour.

Dickie?

It's... Get off!

- Dickie, wake up. - No, it's on me. I can't...

- Mom! - What?

Do something.

Dickie, wake up.

Dickie, wake up! You were having a bad dream.

There were these big spiders and they were trying to eat me.

And they jammed their legs down my ear and into my brain,

scraping off the guts in my head.

Come on, Mom, sing it.

This is what I do for my kids when they're having a nightmare.

Hush, little baby, don't say a word

Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird

And if that mockingbird don't sing

Mama's gonna buy you a diamond ring

If that diamond ring turns brass...

OK. Let's go back to bed. It's OK.

That was probably the nicest thing anyone's ever done for me.

You feel bad and your mom actually tries to make you feel not bad.

Wow.

- By the way, your mom's really hot. - What?!

What? Am I wrong?

What's the backyard like? Has she got a G-string or them big old grannies?

I'm betting sweet thong!

Come on, Sam, pretend she's not your mom.

Are they real? I think they're real.

I bumped into them the other day and it was like boing!

- She's our mom. - She's mine too, and I'm dealing with it.

Anyway, goodnight, prude people.

Dream the dream of prudes. Prude it up.

- Have a nice G-rated dream, full of... - Go to sleep, Dickie.

OK, Stranger Danger, this is a Slip 'N Slide.

If you master this, it's the first step to being a real kid.

Dickie, there has to be water on it!

That's going to leave a mark.

That stings.

Good to go.

- All right! - He did it!

That was great. I got something better.

Just water is lame. This thing needs a little Wessonality.

- Dickie, are you sure about this? - Steady.

Here we go.

Oh, shisit!

Splinter.

That toy is... "lnsane in the membrane" "Insane, got no brain!"

I got pretty banged up out there, but I learned some stuff. Keep it mellow.

- What do you drink, being a kid? - Soda. Like root beer.

Not a wussy kid. A real kid. You had me at "beer", but lost me at "root".

Let's not jump to malt liquor, but something in the middle.

- How about real beer? - Whoa, lady, easy!

- OK, real beer. How many? - A six-pack?

A six-pack? Are you a total alky?

How about four?

One for you, one for you, and two for me 'cause I'm a husky kid. A six-pack.

- You just said four. - The wussy's taking the minutes.

Four it is. I'll buy. I'll fly.

- We have beer. - We're not supposed to drink that.

What?

We're supposed to think about drinking beer one day.

"When I get older, I'll be allowed to drink beer." It's going too fast.

I knew kids on TV getting whiffed up at 16.

Whiffed up?

Coke, toot, lines, blast, rails, nose candy, devil's dandruff,

power flour, sniffy jiffy, booger sugar.

Come on, Sam, the rest of the class is on page 52.

When you're talking to me, I'm thinking,

"Brick wall, waterfall, Dickie thinks he got it all, but he don't.

"And I do, so boom with that attitude. Peace, punch, Cap'n Crunch.

"I got something you can't touch. Bang, bang, choo-choo train.

"Wind me up, I do my thing. No Reece's Pieces, 7-Up.

"Mess with me, I'll mess you up."

Interesting. Whatever.

Anyway... By the way, sniffy-jiffy, it's no good. Don't do it.

About this putting stuff off.

When I was your age, I did whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

- That might be why you're a mess now. - How dare you?

Anyway, check this out.

I got you your precious root beer. "Oh, I love it."

A, B, C, D, E, F, G.

I am Iron Man.

I want to bang your mother. I said I want to...

- By the way, thanks, you guys. - For what?

Being nice to me. Knocking off the Stranger Danger thing.

Dickie, you're actually a pretty cool guy.

Buried deep down inside you. I mean, really deep.

So deep some people stop looking. Deeper than a well.

Deeper than the ocean. Deeper than the Marianas Trench.

- Deeper than a volcano. Deeper than... - I got it. It's deep.

Now, shh. Sleepy time. Little prudes, sleep.

Insane in the membrane Insane, got no brain

- What time did you get in last night? - Would you get off my back?

I was out with the salesmen. They like to drink.

Morning. Mommy, Daddy, Bro, Sis.

- Morning. - Morning, Dickie.

- Pebbles, where's Bamm-Bamm? - Oh, interesting.

A little champagne brunch for my new family. Mimosa for mi posse.

Champagne for my real friends, I'm a real pain to my sham friends.

- Stop by the dealership today. - A father-son thing?

- Do I give it a yea, Sam? - I wouldn't know. He never asked me.

Mark you down as no help. Sally, yea?

Yeah. A yea'll cover it.

So, I'll head up there around, what, 12-ish?

And you, push me in the stroller.

What?

Daddy, Mommy's baulking. She doesn't understand I'm up against Sean Penn.

Let's try and make this work.

Yes, let's try to make it work. Thanks, Daddy.

- This feels a little odd. - Dude, I'm the one in the stroller.

Did you call me dude?

I mean, Mommy. It's hard to get my head around that word.

My actual mother wanted me to call her by her first name.

And you're way too beautiful to be a mom.

You obviously are a mother, so I'm wrong.

Maybe you're not as beautiful as I think.

I'd have to sift through that to find a nugget of compliment.

Sift away, Sifty.

You realise this is the most ridiculous endeavour ever attempted.

- Grace. - Hi, Mrs Gertrude.

Your tree is dropping leaves on our property again.

- I'm really sorry. - It's getting to be a nuisance.

We're trying to be good neighbours, but you're really making it hard.

Who do we have here? Aren't you a little big for a stroller?

Aren't you a little big for a sidewalk?

Good God, hide the wicker furniture. This ass means business.

This is not a drill. China, sorry about the tremors, but this lady needs her mail.

Cat got your tongue or did you eat that for breakfast, too?

And keep your filthy dog Popeye out of our yard, too, you horrid neighbour!

- You were very rude to her. - And she was straight up with you?

You've got to stand up for yourself, but I liked standing up for you just then.

I will say in a way it was nice. I'm not used to it.

Hey, you're that guy from the TV show. The washed-up actor freak.

- Can I get a picture? - You put it that way, you sure can.

Smile! Zoom, nice.

There you go. Memories are for ever.

- Hey, make doubles. - Unbelievable.

Look, I'm sorry. I'm new at this, too. I need your help.

You're going to have to disguise yourself.

What do you mean?

Dye your hair. Anything. So people don't make you forget you're trying to be a kid.

Not only is she sexy, she's a smart mommy.

Why did that compliment almost make me puke?

What did I say?

That was nice.

There's this Indian selling clay pots.

A tourist looking them over says, "You're selling this pot for $5.

"You got the same pot over there for $10."

And the Indian says,

"Some people like to spend $5, other people like to spend $10."

I got a better joke. Two gay monkeys go to Istanbul...

It's not a joke, it's a philosophy of life. Money.

Making money. Isn't money what your comeback thing is all about?

Actually, no...

I've been married for 14 years to the same woman.

We've got two kids. They seem nice.

I don't know, I don't spend much time with them. I'm not much of a kid person.

Man, I'm on a treadmill.

I look around. I see everybody else is having all the fun.

Just when I think I can't take it any more, you fall into my lap.

You're my answer, Dickie. You're the thing that's going to make me happy.

I'm not into dudes, if that's what you're ramping up to.

Like, I don't... I did, I don't any more.

You get what you want out of my family, let me get something out of you.

Star maps here. Maps to the stars' homes.

- God bless you, sir. - Thanks.

Hey, Rob Reiner's not on this map.

God bless you, sir.

What time is it? 3.20. I've got to go meet the kids.

- Look at little Sammy the Sissy. - Leave him alone.

His little sister has to stand up for him. What a wussy Sam is.

Why can't you just leave me alone? What did I ever do to you?

Sammy the Sissy! Acting all prissy!

Sammy the Sissy! Acting all prissy!

He's minding his own business. Why don't you?

- Sam, Sally, what's up? - Dickie, is that you?

Holy crap on toast, look at this freak! Figures he'd be with Sam Finney.

- Let's get out of here. - Leave him alone, creeps.

- What did you call us, you little bitch? - Whoa!

You just said the wrong thing to the wrong little girl.

What do you weigh? 2,000?

You want to pick on her? Pick on me. I'll go Water Wiggle on your ass.

What? I don't understand words. I'm a dumb-dumb.

Did someone light a fart off your mouth?

- Hey. - "Hey?" Don't you mean "oink"?

Little piggy, shouldn't you run off to the market?

That was crazy. Now the crowd's turning on you and that sucks.

Listen, Red, Tub of Goo, Freak of Nature,

run home, pee your pants, cry your eyes out, spank each other's chubby butts,

get up, have an Eggo, run back here and we'll do it all again,

'cause I like working out on you puke-stained little punching bags.

Now, beat it.

- Out of my way! - Sam's cooler than you'll ever be.

What a joke.

Oh, yeah!

You should've seen Dickie. It was awesome.

He totally nailed these kids. It was a verbal beating.

I can't believe what you did to your hair.

No wonder everyone was staring at me.

It was great how you tore into them.

I'm not impressed that he insulted a bunch of your friends.

- They're not really friends. - I hope they never come back.

They're losers. Mom, relax.

Relax?

Wrong attitude with a mom. You've got to keep it light and deferential.

Before pizza, I've got to swing by this interview. It'll just take a few minutes.

An interview for what?

An interior design job. They liked my drawings.

Mom, that's great.

- That is some cool shisit. - What did you say?

Shisit. It's a Dickie word.

Dickie, we're going to have a serious talk.

Mom, Dickie will be fine.

He may have a few rough edges, but we'll file 'em down.

- See? It'll all work out. - Boy, I don't know this part of town.

I blow my first interview because I can't find the house.

Oh, no. Can you believe this? Now I'm really going to be late.

Dickie to the rescue. I got an idea. Let me see that address.

- 911. - There's a fire at the McHenry house.

368 North Hobart Street. Hurry!

Follow those fire trucks. Come on, Mommy.

Unbelievable.

You think a false alarm is funny?

It's called being aggressive towards your career. You've got to work at it.

However much you want something, you don't trample others or break the law.

You've been a disruptive influence ever since you got here.

I'm learning. But don't kick me out. I've got nowhere else to go.

- Why's that familiar? - It's from Officer And A Gentleman.

- See, I'm a good actor. - That's it. Out!

I don't care what arrangement you have with my husband.

- Dickie, no! - Please! Listen.

- Go! I mean it. - I know.

You don't understand. I know I'm screwed up.

I have no centre. I'm completely lost.

Look at me. I'm a massive failure as a human being.

I wear gloves 24 hours a day.

Why? Because I'm afraid to physically touch anything or anyone.

I don't want people to look in my eyes. They'll realise there's nothing there.

I'm a total mess.

Take your dysfunctional family fight inside.

We don't need to see your dirty laundry.

Please, blow it out your ass. This is between me and my family.

- Well... - Mom, that was awesome.

Wait. Why did you say that? Because I told you to stand up for yourself?

- It is. See, I'm not totally useless. - This whole thing is crazy.

You can't just observe a family and learn how to be.

It's not monkey see, monkey do.

I'm desperate.

If I become a star again, everyone'll come back, my mom'll come home.

It's not supposed to work that way.

I know, but can I hope for anything different?

Grace, please.

I need this part so bad that I don't know if I can go on without it.

Hey, Mom, maybe we could give Dickie just one last chance.

Yeah, Mom, he could do better. If we help.

- What's Popeye got? - It's a dead rabbit.

It's the Gertrudes' pet rabbit. Popeye killed it.

Popeye, bad dog. What are we going to do?

Popeye must've gotten into the cage.

They're already mad at us. Now we're in real trouble.

Wait a second. We can fix this. Rub-a-dub-dub, bunny in the tub.

Should we shampoo it?

Do have any "Gee, Your Dead Rabbit Smells Terrific"?

No, but I have VO5.

We'll put in some leave-in conditioner.

It'll look good as new, except for being dead.

- Stop it. - We'd better blow-dry it.

- Then I'll get a brush. - Hurry.

I'll put it back all clean and when the Gertrudes come home,

they open the cage and think it died of natural causes.

- It's the perfect plan. - I think the Gertrudes are coming home.

- OK, let's go. - Dry it, dry it, dry it.

OK, it's back in the cage. We're totally off the hook.

- What's in the cage? - It's Peter!

Devil rabbit! Devil rabbit! Devil rabbit!

What's wrong?

Our bunny died two days ago. We buried it over there.

And now he's back in the cage. Oh, Satan taunts us!

- Oh, devil rabbit! - That is a sign from hell.

It means move out of that house. Move, spirit of rabbits!

Get out!

There they go. They're moving out. Devil rabbit!

- That was fun. - So, can I stay?

So those three bullies don't bug you any more? I knew it, they're morons.

- What do you call this hairstyle again? - The tiger do.

- Looks cool, right, Sam? - Yeah, man.

- Bitching cool style. - What's this one, the porcupine?

- What do you want to do today? - Teach me how to ride a bike.

- I'm pedalling. I think I got it. - Let go.

- Go, go, go! - Go for it!

I'm doing it.

Hey, Dickie, are you OK?

- Who put that truck there? - Are you all right?

I'm seeing birds and bells and beautiful girls.

- Sam, front and centre. - We're just moving into this house.

We got a new neighbour. What do you think of that, Sam?

- Sam, say hello to the new neighbour. - Say something.

- Hello. - Hi.

He had you at "Hello", didn't he?

These guys are teaching me to ride. Want to come with?

Let's go!

Whoa! Ever have such a bad wipe-out you don't even feel it?

That wasn't one of 'em.

- Here you go, guys. - Thanks, Mrs Finney.

- You OK? - I munched it out there.

- You're all right. - You're going to help me?

Of course. If someone doesn't step in soon, you might kill yourself.

You've been doing this all wrong. There's no rhyme or reason to your plan.

You're like a headless chicken.

A chicken with his head chopped off is a good analogy. It's stopping.

But if you want my help, you play by my rules and mine only. OK?

First, the gloves. Off they go.

- Wait. - We must reboot you, like a computer.

Not the gloves. Anything but the gloves... OK.

But this is like me asking you to take your top off. Which is crazy, right?

- Dickie. - Right.

I don't like it. Happy?

Yes. See?

There are men plastering in there. Is this your interior design thing?

No, it was damage from the water-bed accident.

What did you do to your hair?

I dyed it. It no come out so good.

It was my idea. People were recognising him and distracting him.

He was going to do a commercial for me.

He's already paying you to be here. Isn't that enough?

- I had plans for him. - He's a human being.

He's not just some product for you to use.

I feel like you have completely undermined me here. I'm going out.

Oh, boy.

What?

That was the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.

- What is? - That I'm not some product.

Then, as Hallmark cards go, you'd be easy to please.

I'm sorry George is mad at you. Is that because of me?

No. But that's good. You're starting to think like a real kid.

Kids always think it's their fault when parents split up.

Is that what's going to happen to you and George?

I don't know.

I do everything I can think of to keep it together for the kids.

I'm a mom first, but George makes me feel so guilty for even wanting a career.

Like it makes me less of a mom.

They don't even write TV moms as good as you are.

Well, now we're even 'cause that's the nicest compliment I've ever heard.

You know, we probably should dye your hair back.

Since you're staying, I think I should read this script.

- See what you want so badly. - Please do.

Maybe you can make some sense of it.

- No! - I don't know what to do.

No gloves. You don't need 'em.

You promised to help me with my pep squad try-outs.

That spot's got your name on it.

- I was a back-up dancer for Vanilla Ice. - No way!

I owe him a call.

- Right on time. - You sure?

Right. Here we go. You got the words down?

- I think so. - I do, too. I drew this up last night.

These are your dance steps.

OK, girls, come on! Let's go. Time to start.

Our first contestant is Heather Bolan.

Hey, Stallions, I got a message for you and it goes like this.

Thank you.

Slut.

Our next contestant... Sally Finney.

- Have fun. OK? - You're good. You know it.

Oh, that was priceless!

- That was perfect. - I'm so proud of you.

I had a rough night. First time I slept without my gloves in ten years.

Insane in the membrane

I saw Barbie and started talking to her,

but I got tongue-tied and wasn't making sense.

Sounded like you said, "I love meat loaf."

- So you could understand that part? - I think that's going to need work.

Nothing against meat loaf, though. Off to school. I'll grab a cup of java.

- Bye, Dickie. - Bye.

- Morning. - Morning.

- Never needed this stuff more. - Kids don't drink coffee.

- That's crazy. - Juice.

- Coffee in the morning. - I've got to talk to you about this script.

I know why you want to do this movie so much. It's wonderful.

Really? Can you explain it to me?

OK, Mr Blake discovers that heaven is in his own backyard.

- I didn't get that part. Like, real heaven? - Yes.

He's this billionaire and buys this plot of land

and wants to build the biggest house ever

to be admired by the whole world.

That sounds like me. They should just give me that part.

Here's the problem.

The bigger he builds this giant house, the smaller heaven becomes in his backyard.

But he still has a big house. Ever seen MTV Cribs? Tommy Lee has a sex room.

How come all the rappers have a video of Scarface going all the time?

There's this woman, Esmeralda, his housekeeper. He falls in love with her.

Then she dies.

She die dies? I thought this was a happy movie.

Oh, it is. Esmeralda goes to heaven.

So by discovering true love,

Mr Blake's able to see the heaven in his backyard.

It was always there, only he couldn't see it.

So he tears down this enormous house

and lives in his backyard in a little shack

and it's all to be near Esmeralda.

Do you see what that story means?

I don't, no. I don't understand any of it.

- Now, come on. - No. No coffee!

- Have a bowl of cereal instead. - I've drunk coffee since I was three.

- I need a pick-me-up. - Too bad.

Fine. Cereal it is.

Oh, my gosh, there's a prize inside.

- Hey, you guys. - Hey, Dickie.

- What's next? - Your mom's got a lot planned.

Like what?

- Whoa. - Hello, Dickie. I've missed you.

So this guy kidnapped me when I was hitch-hiking, but he had a great haircut,

so I was fooled into thinking that he was OK.

So I escaped and went back to Dickie's apartment,

and Dickie was gone and I was like, "I have got to see my Dickie."

Right. I'm doing this thing here, Cyndi.

I don't know if it's a great idea if you're around,

only because I'm trying to focus on the plan.

If we up your rent a little, there's no reason Cyndi can't stay in the den.

- What? - Oh, Dickie, thank you.

George.

Baby, I have saved up a sexual experience of a lifetime for you.

But first, let's loosen things up a bit.

Light some candles. Drink some champagne.

- Do it. - Oh, me? Yeah.

Get out of here, gross dog.

Taittinger, the finest bubbly.

Do you like that painting?

Gotcha! It got away from me.

This baby's wound up. Incoming!

You're fine, you're fine. No blood. Cheers.

Nice.

So, let me tell you about this family.

I'm having a good time. They are great.

George, he's the daddy. He's a little off...

But Sam, he's a great kid. He's funny.

He doesn't know he's great because bullying's taken away his confidence.

He has a crush on this girl. I'm helping him with that.

- You probably don't want to hear this. - Maybe you're right.

Sally is cute and smart and funny, and I was telling her...

Yeah, that's really interesting.

But that Grace is a real looker, in her own way, I guess.

Grace? Mom? I never thought of her like that. That's funny.

Right, like you hadn't noticed?

You think I didn't notice that George is hot?

You haven't changed, Dickie. You just think you have.

So are we going to do this sex? Because I want to get it over with.

Maybe we shouldn't. Maybe it's not a good idea tonight.

Wait... you're turning me down? Unbelievable.

These yokels are really getting to you.

If we're not doing it, will you at least put out the candles?

Not this one. It smells great. This is sandalwood vanilla. You love that.

- Oh, my God! - I'm on fire, you idiot!

I'm sorry.

Hey, pal.

I thought I told you not to bother our customers.

I'm harmless. I just want to talk to Robbie for ten seconds.

Get rid of this guy.

- It's him! It's Rob! - Nice to see you.

- Love your car. - You know, global warming.

Rob, it's me. Sidney Wernick.

He's getting away! It's me, Sidney Wernick.

Dickie Roberts' agent. Give me five seconds.

Yeah, she's a cutie. I'll give you that.

A girl that pretty's never going to like me.

Have you seen Ric Ocasek from The Cars? That guy is rough.

You're way ahead of him.

Just show her what a cool, funny dude you are.

But I'm not good at talking like you are.

That's debatable. Let's talk to your mom about it.

No, we can't talk to a mom about this. This is stuff a dad has to help me with.

I got an idea. Come here.

Barbie...

Barbie, I was hoping you'd like to go to a movie with me.

Yes, Sam, I'll go to a movie with you.

Idiot!

OK. Wait, here he is.

It's Sidney. Something's wrong.

- What's up? - Turn on the news.

Famous director Rob Reiner was the victim of a road rage incident today.

Mr Reiner was stopped at a red light

when a large man pulled him out of his Honda Insight

and began beating him for well over a minute.

Mr Reiner was rushed to hospital, his only words being,

"I have no idea what I did to make that man so angry. "

- My God, I can't believe it. - I got you an audition.

How?

It's a long story, but it's tomorrow at three.

I'll never be ready.

You got to be ready. It's at the hospital, then Rob's going under for an operation.

- What? An operation? - Long story, short.

Rob needs a kidney and I'm giving him one of mine.

We swapped. A kidney for an audition. You better get that job!

Holy crap. It's tomorrow. I'm not ready.

Wait. I've got an idea.

OK. You're going to be ready. This is the big one.

It's Christmas morning, you're waking up excited. You heard reindeer on the roof.

I'll be down in a second.

This is such a good idea to help Dickie.

Do you think he can pretend it's Christmas?

Sure. If coming down the stairs and seeing his first red bicycle

helps with his acting, then...

- He is special, isn't he? - Who'd have thought?

How did Stranger Danger turn out to be so cool?

Where's Cyndi? I thought she would've helped him.

Slut.

Here I come!

Wow, a bicycle!

You guys, that was great of you to do this for me.

Thanks for being so cool, but...

But what?

But I guess it's true, you can never go home again.

I missed out on the real thing and I don't think I'll ever get it back.

Maybe you didn't get something back. Maybe you got something you never had.

You've been so good with my family. You've been so good to me.

You're so different than the angry, weird guy who landed on our doorstep.

You're a joy to have around.

So as a present for all that you've done to help us...

This isn't part of your experiment. I got this gift for you.

Candy Land.

- You remembered? - That's what moms do.

You grew up, Dickie Roberts.

I'm really sorry you're here, Mr Reiner.

Why are you sorry? It's not like you had anything to do with that guy going nuts.

OK, are you ready to read? We don't have much time here.

I think I'm ready.

I got the part! Yeah!

I got it, baby! Come here, doggy.

- I got... - Congratulations.

Is it hot out here?

I got it! You guys, I got it! Where is everyone?

Are you kidding me? I got it! It worked! Where are you?

- There you are. I got the part. - Oh, that's wonderful.

Something's wrong.

George and Cyndi? George and Cyndi?

They ran off together?

So we're going to film in Hawaii. I'm going to be there six months.

Sacrificed so much to get this. Sidney gave up his kidney.

- I'll send you some money. - No, please. Don't worry about us.

- You're not responsible for us. - I'm not? I sometimes feel like I am.

George didn't just suddenly lose his head.

This was going to happen sooner or later.

Dickie, it's not your fault. It's his fault.

Did she take the rest of your money?

Yeah. Yeah, but I don't care.

It was never about the money. It was about something more.

Now you have that, right?

Yeah. I have everything I always wanted.

- And I have you to thank. - Dickie.

Go find your happiness, wherever that takes you.

One minute.

What does it feel like to be living the Hollywood dream?

We want to interview the comeback kid for Hollywood Scene.

Sally, come on.

Jann Carl from Entertainment Tonight. We want to do an exclusive interview...

Looks like we'll be leaving on time and we anticipate a smooth trip to Hawaii.

We appreciate you flying with us on Christmas Eve. Enjoy your trip.

So, did you want coffee, tea or me?

Mr Roberts can't join the Mile High Club. We're still on the ground.

Thanks. I'm just going to study my lines.

We heard about the movie and the director. You're a star.

So tell us. What's the movie about? We are huge fans.

- Sick. I mean, but normal. - Totally normal.

It's about this guy who wants to build the biggest house in the world

'cause he thinks it will make him happy, but it doesn't.

- Big houses make me horny. - Me, too.

He used to think the same. Then he falls in love.

Is she a flight attendant? Does she get to live in that big house?

- 'Cause I met this producer... - No, listen.

He finds love and realises that love is everything.

Not the biggest house, not being a billionaire.

He finds out what he wanted wasn't what he needed,

and what he needed was in his own backyard.

It was right there in his own backyard.

I didn't have much money this year,

so if it's not what you wanted, we can return it.

Sally, the same goes for you, all right?

- Whoa! Look at all this stuff! - Where did all this come from?

- Dickie! - Dickie, you're here!

- What are you doing here? - I can't believe it!

What about your movie?

Sometimes saying no makes them want you more.

- So you're staying, Dickie? - If your mom's OK with it.

I'd like room and board for quite a while.

And so Dickie Roberts' dreams did come true, but in a way he never imagined.

He created a sitcom based on his exploits,

and with Leif Garrett starring as the Dickie character, it entered the top ten,

winning four Emmys.

Here's Dickie and his agent.

I may have to pee every 45 minutes, but at least it's in a gold toilet.

Dickie didn't forget his friends. They enjoy a weekly spot on the sitcom.

With Grace in charge of set design, Sam writing jokes

and Sally the youngest choreographer in TV, the show's a real family affair.

Brick wall, waterfall, Danny thinks he's got it all, but he don't.

And we do, so boom with that attitude.

No Reece's Pieces, 7-Up. Mess with us, we mess you up.

And cut. So good. Excellent, guys.

They're driving me crazy.

As for George and Cyndi, their ill-fated romance didn't quite work out.

Make yourself useful and get me a drink.

- How about some champagne? - Whatever.

The bottle impact led to walking amnesia.

George was last seen hitch-hiking into the desert to find himself.

Cyndi begged Dickie for a job.

He gave her a guest part on the episode titled "Cyndi Gets Poison Oak".

Its success led to a spin-off for Cyndi called

The Bitch Who Didn't Know She Was A Bitch.

As for Dickie Roberts, millions tuned into the sitcom's wedding show,

which reflected Dickie's real-life marriage to the love of his life, Grace.

The old saying goes, "There's no business like show business. "

But as the incredible saga of Dickie Roberts Former Child Star shows,

the more apt saying is, "There's no love like real love. "

This has been the story of Dickie Roberts, the E! True Hollywood Story.

Former child stars are people, too

They're the same as you and you and you

So we ask this simple question, how can it be

That you occasionally don't respect their dignity?

'Cause as they make their way through life

Long after the spotlight's faded

There are things some of you do that make them want to be sedated

We loved being child stars on your television

But please stop giving us crap or we'll have a head-on collision

Thank you for letting me in your living rooms

To entertain you before bed

But if one more person calls me Marcia

I'll bust his fucking head

She's very grateful, just like she said

But please don't call her Marcia or she'll bust your freakin' head

I'd rather be called Marcia than Screech

So I'm sitting alone in Arby's

I get questions that make me see red

- Hey, Eddie. - Where's Herman Munster?

Well, pal, for ten years he's been dead

They ask, "Hey, Lucy, where's JR? " Come on, y'all, be realistic

One more "Hey, Joanie, where's Chachi? " and I'll go ballistic!

Our co-stars are not on our speed dials so please don't ask

Or we'll take that phone and shove it right up your dumb fat ass

No, we don't ride in fancy limos Private jets, they're not for us

So you may see us driving Neons or riding the Greyhound bus

We live just like all of you So don't call us losers

Or we'll punch you with so many rights you'll be begging for lefts

And beggars can't be choosers

I was on Teen Beat with Michael Jackson

Now he's bigger, I suppose

Though he may be a multi-zillionaire At least I still have my nose

At least we're not crazy We don't sleep with chimpanzees

We don't bleach our skin Or dangle babies from balconies

We loved being child stars on your television

But misbehave and we'll bust your head

Gee, Wally, was it something they said?

Child stars on your television

Most of us have nothing to lose We'll put your butt on the 5 o'clock news

Child stars on your television

We don't know karate, but we do know crazy

We'll beat you so bad your future will be hazy

Child stars on your television

Don't ever say, "Didn't you used to be? "

Or I'll put your head through a vintage TV

Child stars on your television

Eight rehabs isn't enough But I done and seen the most killer stuff

Child stars on your television

You want an autograph, but I'll tell you this

Don't ask a brother when he's taking a piss

Child stars on your television

You can dance like me You can dance like Biggie

I'll hurt you real bad You can take it from Kenickie

Now of course we've been kidding This has all been in fun

We're happy you still love us after our shows have gone

But please just follow our simple rules

Or we'll beat you like rented mules

We loved being child stars on your television

Child stars

Child stars!

All right, you guys, thanks for coming. Let's skedoodle.

That's the end. People in the back, beat it.

We know you left your popcorn. Someone'll get it.

Quit pretending you're reading the credits.

They're so small and so fast, we don't even know who these people are.

It's some contract thing.

Was that one of you guys or me? It was me.

Got a little bite in it! Come on, that's funny.