All language subtitles for The.Opposite.Of.Sex.1998.DVDRip.x264.aac

Damn it, Dedee!

What is the matter with you?
Why aren't you dressed yet?

You better get in there, missy,
and wear what I put out for you.

Do you hear me?

I'm not about to have you show up
in that crap you wear to school.

This isn't just any old day
of the week, you know.

You're gonna show me and your stepfather
some respect for once in your life.

If you're one of those people
who don't like movies...

where some person you can't see
talks the whole time...

and covers up all the holes
in the plot and...

at the end says, "I was never the same
after that summer"...

or whatever, like it was so deep
they can't stand it...

then you're out of luck. Things get
very complicated here very quick.

And my guess is you're not gonna be
up to it without me talking.

Lord, help me...

My name is Dedee Truitt.

I'm sixteen, and this is
Creve Coeur, Louisiana...

which is French, I think,
for like, fucked heart.

My mother was the kind of mother
who always said...

she was her
daughter's best friend.

Whenever she did, I thought, great,
not only do I have a shitty mother...

but my best friend's a loser
bitch.

Dedee, honey, put the dirt on like I
told you how to.

She was all over me the day we
buried my stepfather.

That's not what I said!
What are you doing?

Les was a real asshole.

To get cancer of the ass was,
like, poetic.

Almost as good as cancer
of the dick... if they have that.

I had to get out of there.

Look around. Wouldn't you?

This part where I take the gun is,
like, important.

It comes later, but I'm putting it
in here for foreshadowing.

Which we covered when we did Dickens.

If you're smart, you won't forget
I've got it.

Randy was a geek, but he was nicer
than a lot of the guys...

mostly because he was born with
only one ball.

And he was pretty nice to anyone who'd
sleep with him and not make fun of it.

- Go!
- You had to ignore the Christian stuff.

I told him I was going to my
grandma's in Memphis.

But where I was really going was
Indiana to see my brother Bill...

who was really only my
half-brother...

and who I'd seen once before
when I was a kid when my real dad died.

Bill's like dozens of years older
than me...

and a actual real-life homo and
a teacher...

which is kind of gross, I mean,
the combo.

But he had a lot of money from his
last boyfriend who died of AIDS.

And I needed a place to get my
shit together.

If you think I'm just plucky and
scrappy and all I need is love...

you're in over your head.

I don't have a heart of gold,
and I don't grow one later, okay?

But relax...

There's other people a lot nicer
coming up.

We call them losers.

Hello.

You're not Bill.

No, I'm Matt. Bill's at school.

Are you one of his students?

'Cause he really doesn't like
his students coming here.

It's okay, I'm his sister.

I gotta call you back.

I didn't know he had a sister.

Who are you?

Boyfriend.

Can I come in? I'm a real relation.

Yeah, come on.

Okey-dokey, butts out.

Come on, let's go, let's go.

You holding up the wall there, Joe?

No, I just can't go if anybody's
around.

There's a sentence here that's a
fragment. What is it?

Every...

Every Tuesday after Yearbook here?

Now how would you fix that?

I guess you could say,
Mr. Truitt blanks it hard...

here every Tuesday after
Yearbook?

Or just Tuesdays after Yearbook.

You don't need the every, right?

Yeah, I guess so. Can I go?

Probably not a good idea to use your
real name.

Phone call for Mr. Truitt.
Telephone call for Mr. Truitt.

- She's upset but--
- What is she upset about?

- she took a shower. I don't know.
- How did she get here?

- She took a bus.
- Can you believe this place?

Gays love houses. Tom, the dead
guy, was really loaded.

I'd already worked on the beautiful
dumb one. He helped out.

I laid it on kind of thick about
Mom drinking...

and how tough it was on me
watching my step dad die...

which is, like, so opposite.

And how it would give Mom and me a
chance to grieve in our own ways...

if there was a little distance
between us, just for the summer.

Plus, I'd clean for them, or tell
the maid places she missed.

Bill was like the definition of a
softie.

Matt didn't look like a fairy at
all.

But it was easy to see why he'd
screw around with Bill.

And a blow job is a blow job if
you're getting one.

If you're giving one, it's harder. But
even so, it's like rule one about sex.

If you don't breathe in, a person
can do anything for ten minutes.

A runaway.
It's like harboring a fugitive...

Everything was going great until
she showed up.

The sister of Tom, the dead guy.

That's how Bill met him.

She teaches next to him, and one day
she introduces him to her brother.

This is like eight years ago.

She probably thought they could
fish or play ball together.

And they end up with their dicks
in each other's mouth.

She looked
like she never got over it.

Gross. But notice how pretty the
urn is.

That's typical gay.

I'm gonna clear the table.

No, no, but--
Matt and me.

What's your name again?

Lucia Dalury.

It's weird. How do you spell it?

L-U-C-I-A.

It should be pronounced Luchia.

When I was a kid learning how to
spell...

I thought they were just
pronouncing it wrong.

Because I have two sisters, Marcia
and Tricia.

C-I-A, sha.

So I decided it was pronounced
Lusha...

and it stuck. And now I kind of
like it.

Yeah, it makes you different.

Do you have a cigarette?

No, I don't.

Matt told me about your brother
and Bill. I'm sorry he's dead.

Did he give it to Bill?

That is none of your business.

Actually, it is.

I could drink out of the same cup
or something, accidentally...

if I stay for a while.

What do they teach you in Louisiana?

It's roughly,
you reap what you sow, if you're gay.

You don't get it from cups.

Anyway, they're both negative. Do
you know what negative means?

Bill's kind of cute, isn't he?
Even though he's old.

He's thirty-five.

Yeah, but he's still kind of cute.
He looks like my father.

I have a picture. You wanna see?

Yes.

He married Bill's mom first.

Then he met this lady who typed 140
words per minute.

Traveled around the country...

demonstrating typewriters
and tight sweaters.

After that broke up, he married my
mom.

That's the one that killed him.

Yes, there's a resemblance.

Too bad he's a fairy, right?

That's not how I would put it.

Then, too bad he's however you would
put it.

Matt worked the night shift at Kinko's,
so he didn't go in till four.

We hung out a lot.

He was like a blind person, you
know?

They can't see, but they hear real
well.

Matt couldn't think at all, but he
looked great.

It's survival.

Cute, stupid people survive, have lots
of cute, stupid babies who also survive.

It was like watching evolution at
work...

as long as you reproduced.

How long have you been here?

A year in June.

So it's kind of like, if you were
normal, you'd be in love.

We're normal.

In love, I don't know.

He's like...

I think he was in love with Tom.

Did you know him?

No, just from what his sister says.

Bill doesn't talk about him that
much.

He's like, what, twenty years older
than you?

Nine. Sometimes ten, depending on
the month.

Have you always been a mo?

Yeah, I guess.

You've never slept with a girl.

Nope, never came up.

So to speak, right?

It's just not for me.

How would you know if you've never
tried it?

I never tried Communism, but I know
I wouldn't like that.

It's the same thing. Or grits.

Have you ever slept with a Black
person?

No, I don't think so.

Because you know you wouldn't like
it.

No, I don't know that.

So even though you've never tried
either...

you'd have sex with a Black
person but not with me.

God, it's like reverse
discrimination.

Quotas.

Is it?

Yeah, it's prejudice.

Would you mind?

I think you can reach them yourself.

Scared you'll get a woody?

Dedee, look...

you're really great, but I'm gay.

Theory.

Whatever. You're my boyfriend's
sister--

Half-sister. Look, I get it, okay?

If I was you and I had this great
setup...

and the guy I was with was
fifteen years older than me...

and all I had to do was blow him
a couple of times a year...

I wouldn't rock the boat either.

You're a homo. Fine, whatever.
Like I give a shit.

Nine-- ten at the most-- years older.

He could be your father.

Basically, you're blowing your father.
That can't feel right.

I never knew my father.

And you really think this is a good
way to make up for it?

Matt struggled for a while, which I
thought showed a lot of loyalty to Bill.

But I got him over that. And by
the end of the month...

he was calling in sick to Kinko's
so often, they almost fired him.

I almost felt bad about it.
But I had my reasons.

I know AIDS is like awful and
stuff...

and that guy who got all those
boys up to his room...

and ate them and froze them and
then got killed in prison...

Like we cared.
I mean, all that is disgusting.

But they do look better than
straight people. And smell better.

They're cleaner, if you don't
count viruses.

And there's not all that hair in
their ears and noses and stuff.

So it evens out.

Anyway, Matt wasn't totally faggy.

He knew what to do with it, believe
me.

I've got bad news.

What?

I'm late.

Okay, I'll drive you.

No, I mean, I'm late.

My period's late.

Do you know what that means?

I'm pregnant. We're pregnant.

You're kidding. We were using
condoms.

Are you sure?

Is it mine?

See? Only straight boys ever say
that line. You're in.

No, I mean, don't get my hopes up if
you're not sure.

We were gonna break it to him in
stages.

One, we're in love. Two...surprise.

We had just gotten to number one
when Lucia dropped by. Typical.

I knew you were trouble. This is
your brother here.

And you, how could you?

It just happened. We didn't mean to
hurt anyone.

You're gay, you jerk!

- He just never met the right woman.
- Yeah, one with a dick.

Is that a cut?

For your information, I'm bisexual.

I went to a bar mitzvah once,
that doesn't make me Jewish.

Who says that bisexual shit besides
gay men?

I'd understand if we can't go on
living here.

You would get that, congratulations.

It's just that...with the baby and
all, it would be easier.

You're pregnant?

It was gonna be a surprise.

- Do you wanna get an abortion?
- No...god...

Bill, if we could just stay here until
we get married and the baby comes...

Who said anything about getting
married?

You don't wanna get married?

I just don't think it's something we
should rush into.

No, but bring another human life
onto the planet, that's whim time.

Am I the only one here who wants
to kill someone?

- You wish.
- I'll talk to you all tomorrow.

I'm beat.

Smoking is bad for the baby.

Like you care. Or was it someone
else who mentioned abortion?

You're breaking his heart.

I think I'm a little late for that.

Where are you going? Matt?

Give me one of those.

At least now he'll know what Matt's
really like.

You're probably a blessing in
disguise.

A fucking good disguise.

God, how does a woman get so bitter?

Observation.

She's under seventeen, and she's my
sister.

I didn't take advantage of her.

She had a death in the family.
She came to us for help.

She said you'd be jealous.

What?

I'm gonna have a kid, Bill.

I'm gonna have a normal life.
That pisses you off.

Normal life?

Fuck you, Matt. Fuck you.

Don't talk, pack. Pack yourself,
pack her...

and get the hell out of here!

I kind of felt sorry for him.
He couldn't help being old.

I said he was really nice,
and thanks for the hospitality...

and don't tell my mom.

Here's where he finds out we took
the safe deposit money...ouch.

But he's gonna cover for us
and tell them he authorized it.

Such a nice guy.

Love him, hate me, right?

People getting dumped are always
lovable, even homos.

Wait. I can really lay it on.

It's just music.
It doesn't mean he's better than me.

You can't help yourselves.

you see someone smell a pillow or an
old T-shirt, you're a basket case.

I could've showed you the other stuff
he did besides mooning around.

He ate like a pig, for one.

He licked his plate, I'm not
kidding you.

He flossed, he clipped his
toenails, he paid some bills.

Does that make your heart break?

His boyfriend, or whatever, leaves,
and he pays the cable bill?

His boyfriend, or whatever, leaves,
and he pays the cable bill?

So he wasn't dying of pain...yet.

- Mr. Truitt?
- Yes?

- What have you done with Matt?
- Excuse me?

Matt? Matt Matteo, your boyfriend?

Mine, too.

Who are you?

Jason Bock. I went to Hoover four
years ago.

Don't even pretend that you didn't
know about Matt and l.

About Matt and me.

I have been calling for the last two
days, no answer.

He left his job, and his car is gone.
Where is he?

I have no idea.

Don't you blow me off.

I could make trouble for you,
you know, tell them you're gay.

They already know I'm gay, you
little prick.

And you came on to me when I was a
student.

Do they know that?

That's a lie.

Tell me where he is.

You got a problem?

New piercing.

Did he ever mention Dedee to you,
my half-sister?

She's visiting from Louisiana.

He's in Louisiana?

No. But he took off with her.
They're in love.

That's what he told me.

He's bi? Are you serious?

We're always the last to know.

Fuck you. I wanna talk to him.

If I don't hear from him by Friday,
I'm going to the police.

For all I know, you killed him.

Then for all you know, I'm just
getting started.

Get him to call me!

Of course, he told her.

This is a major problem, Bill.

You're in denial, fine, I'm not.

Lucia wasn't surprised
that Matt had been screwing around.

And that Jason kid had been in her
homeroom for two years...

so she knew what he was like.

After high school,
he went up to Chicago...

and became one
of those "Act Up" people...

who think AIDS is this big
conspiracy against homos.

Maybe it is, who knows? All I know
is it isn't working.

There seem to be more of them than
ever before, you know what I mean?

They're tricky.

Anyway, Bill tried to convince her
it was all a bluff.

You put yourself through this, you're
gonna give yourself a heart attack.

Face it, he's going to ruin you.

He's just trying to scare me. He's
angry. Matt dumped him, too.

I don't know how you do it. You're
always so nice and so good.

Tom was like that, too. It's
depressing.

You're nice.

That's how I always felt
around you two...

Like the Baroness
in "The Sound of Music."'

Everyone else is off singing and
climbing an alp...

and I just want to stuff that
guitar up that nun's ass and...

Oh, my god...

That little creep went
to the police. I told you.

Hey, Lucia, how are you?

Hi, Bill. Got a minute?

Sure, Carl. What's up? See you
tomorrow.

- I can stay.
- Actually, Lucia, it's business.

Actually, Carl, it's fine.

Here's the deal. I got this stupid
thing I'm checking out.

Do you know a Jason Bock?

Yep, I met him Tuesday.

He says when he was a student here
four years ago, you molested him.

I never liked the looks of this kid,
but I gotta do something.

Why?

I haven't told Walter yet.

But you'll have to. He's the
principal, it's state law.

There you go. Good job, Carl.

There's something else.

He filed a missing person's report
on Matt. Do you know where he is?

No, I don't.

This Jason creep said something
about a sister.

They left me a note,
but I don't know where it is anymore.

- Where does that put us?
- Well, I don't know.

You let me know as soon as you hear
from either of them.

You haven't asked me if it's true,
if I molested him.

Because he knows that you didn't.

I'd like to send him some place they
will, for about five to ten.

It might put some sense into him.

Only if his brains are in his ass.

That strikes me as fairly likely.

You take care.

We'll keep this quiet as long as
possible.

It's nice to see you again, Lucia.
It's been a long time.

Only about a year, Carl.

Since the funeral, remember?
Remember Nancy's funeral?

Good night. We'll talk tomorrow.

This is why I hate people.

You always want to know why, well,
take it in.

Are you a lesbian?

No. You are all assholes.

Jennifer Oakes, is that you?

Hi, Miss Dalury. Any comment on the
charges against William Truitt?

And I wrote you a letter of
recommendation.

Did you know about this?

There were messages on my machine, I
just heard them this morning.

People will believe anything.

Did you call that lawyer that I
told you about?

What for?

Hello, this is America. We don't
like sodomy so much here.

Yeah, but the schools are good.

Speaking of which...

You are not going in.

Bill! There are reporters out there.

Tanya and Clint,
I am here at Hoover High School...

where a sex scandal has exploded...

involving a high school teacher
whose seeming popularity...

may, in fact, be the cover...

for predatory advances upon
young male students...

entrusted to him by this outraged
and devastated community.

This is America, and we're
Christians here.

Aside from a few Jewish people
who were just born that way.

And I can tell you one thing...

Jesus Christ and his apostles were
certainly not into man on man action...

which is how they describe it
on their porno videos...

which I'm proud to say
Blockbuster does not carry.

I work there, and it's very family.

Plus that religion John Travolta
belongs to.

If I save one kid from getting ---

from having his --- totally ---

until it looks like the Lincoln Tunnel
and he can 't stand up for three weeks...

then maybe all of this is worth
something.

Teachers everywhere have to learn
that no means no.

At least until we've dropped out.

I'm just gonna give you
the broad strokes here...

'cause I've got
my own problems with Matt.

Bill got suspended with pay.
It didn't even bother him.

I guess when your first boyfriend, Tom,
the dead guy, croaks in front of you...

and his stupid sister
takes over your life...

and then your next
boyfriend splits...

you're kind of primed for shit.

It's hard to top that with
suspensions and people hating you...

and losing a job you're too
rich for anyway.

Lucia said it was denial. Natch,
what else?

Bill just hired a lawyer, stayed
at home, and worked on his garden.

Faggot!

Meanwhile, guess who was having
the time of her life.

Because all her predictions came
true.

Between the time we left
and that stupid phone call...

which I can't go into right now,
she was flying.

Look at the lipstick on her.

She better hope it's drool-proof.

You don't have to hear any of this.

There's nothing going on except
her trying not to leave.

She had a life once. She just, I
don't know, stopped feeding it.

So after a while it wandered away.

They started out like a typical
American family.

And you know how that ends up. They
typically went to shit pretty quick.

Marcia, Tricia, Lucia...

Tom, the dead guy.

If you ask me, it was a giveaway
he liked the spanking.

This is Tricia's wedding.

Tom turned out cute, didn't he?
They all do.

She didn't.

I know in movies you kind of feel
sorry for girls like this.

But in real life, you wouldn't be
sitting next to her either.

Come over here, honey.

Come here. Come here, Lucia.

Here you go. Would you take care of
these, please.

Right now she's thinking, "At
least I've got Tom."

Ever since they were kids, she had
like a crush on him or something.

So did the best man.

You could tell it wrecked her.

She was a virgin till she was
twenty-eight.

But she eventually sort of, kind
of, maybe forgave her brother.

She had to. No one else in the
family could stand her.

Besides, he was a stockbroker in the
'80's, and he made a lot of money.

You didn't buy me a house?
You bought me a house?

Happy birthday.

Oh, my god, I can't believe you.

I love you.

I love you, too, Tom.

None of this makes me like her more.

But I thought you should know...
just to be fair.

Lucia...

Hi, Carl.

What a coincidence, I was just
talking to Bill. He sounds good.

No thanks to you.

It wasn't personal, you know that.

I do, do l?

The kid's story's not gonna hold up.
The Board will clear him.

His reputation is ruined.

He never gave a damn about
reputation.

Then he's got company. See you,
Carl.

Hang on...

I can't remember whether Nancy said
these should make noise or not.

What do you think?

I think you should ask someone who
gives a shit.

Why don't you ask her nurse?

Shari?

I didn't figure you for somebody
who'd listen to gossip.

Suppose you mind your business
and I'll mind mine, okay?

I'm home!

He called. He fucking called.

Come on up, I'll play you the
message.

Did you call back?

Yeah. It's some kind of a pay phone
in L.A...

corner of Robertson and Santa
Monica.

I called Carl.

He's got some kind of a program
with every phone number in the U.S.

When did you call Carl?

About an hour ago.

I just saw him at the store.

Yeah, right, whatever.

Will you keep an eye on the house
for me while I'm gone?

You don't know where they're living.

I'll find them. I found the pay
phone.

But why?

What do you mean, why? To drag his
sorry ass back here, that's why.

To make Jason take it all back,
and to ship Dedee...

back to her miserable mother
whether she likes it or not.

Give Jason the number.
That's all he's interested in.

And then he'll drop the charges.

And let her mother go out there
and pick her up.

This is what I'm doing. I can get
someone else to watch the house.

You know what your problem is?

I need two tickets tomorrow, O'Hare
to Los Angeles.

Yeah, Dalury, Lucia, L-U-C-l-A, and

Guess what? I know how my own name
is pronounced.

Maybe they're just bad pictures.

Maybe he grew a beard or colored his
hair or something.

It was such a stupid idea.

A guy makes a call from a pay phone
in a city of eight million...

and I think I can find him.

If you're meant to find him, you
will.

It's like you ending up teaching at
my school and me introducing you to Tom.

It's fate.
And that's how it's gonna be with Matt.

I say we give this up and we go
home.

And one day, if the gods want you to
see him again...

he's gonna be sitting in the seat
next to you on a plane.

Or his socks will be in your dryer
at some Laundromat.

It's destiny.

I don't believe in destiny.

Fuck, who does?
It was worth a try.

Excuse me. Bathroom.

Poor Bill.

It must be inherited from our
father, you know, being romantic.

It's just...when it's a man being
romantic about a woman...

it's not as revolting.

Why did he grow that beard?

And his posture...he looks like
early man.

He hurt his back lifting.

I'm going to that dinner tomorrow
night.

I've got a few things I'd like to
say to her, and to him, too.

Lucia, I know what I'm doing.

You think so?

You're like a lobster in a pot.

You're just thrilled that the
water's getting toasty.

When they get to the money, let me
do the talking, okay?

Thanks for coming.

- Hi, Lucia.
- Hi, Matt.

- Couldn't stay away, huh?
- You shaved it off.

I didn't like it. So are you
enjoying your stay?

I don't know if that's the word for
it.

Can I ask you something, Dedee? When did
you meet Matt? Refresh my memory.

My name is Timothy. I'll be your
waiter tonight.

Can I start anyone off with a
beverage?

I'd like a Long Island iced tea,
please.

Is that a good idea for the baby?

This baby owes its life to Long Island
iced teas, if you know what I mean.

Lots of ice.

- I'll have a Diet Coke.
- Diet Coke.

I'll have a Diet Coke ...or maybe a
real Coke.

- Do you have Bananas Foster?
- No, we don't.

Someone told me you had
Bananas Foster here.

I'm sorry, no.

It's impossible to find Bananas
Foster.

Maybe they'll make it for you if you
describe it to them.

What about the sauce?

You think they just have Bananas Foster
sauce lying around in the kitchen...

but they don't put it on the
menu?

I appreciate you both deciding to
meet me.

You, not her.

Because we have a lot to talk
about...

a lot of reasons why you're going
back to Indiana.

I'm not going back.

You're sixteen, you're pregnant.

Matt, you can't support her on what
you make at that job.

Tell me about it.

Matt doesn't wanna get legal,
but you two were kind of man and wife.

So I figure he deserves half of what
you have.

- Are you serious?
- That's not gonna happen.

What about the ten thousand dollars
he stole?

He was entitled to that.

I'm really sorry about that, Bill.

You fucked up, and you're gonna have
to pay it back.

This is not about us giving you
money.

I'll tell you what this is about,
this is about timing.

This is about trimesters, and you
know what I'm talking about.

I want her to go back to school,
too.

You made a big mistake coming here
today, you know that?

You really should've stayed at home
and let Matt come...

and do your dirty work for you.
'Cause let me tell you something...

I have taught
high school girls for 15 years...

and pregnancy is one of my
specialties.

And looking at you...

you are at least five months pregnant,
five and a half even.

There is no way that this is Matt's
baby.

Here we go...Long Island iced tea...

Diet Coke...

Diet Coke...and a regular Coke.

I think you're crazy. She's crazy.
Let's go.

- You're three months in, right?
- When she met you, maybe.

So I put on a little weight.

Besides, what would you know
about being pregnant?

It's not like you've ever been.

She eats all the time.

It's not your baby. It's some other
idiot's baby.

Probably with an eighth grade education
and a trunk full of Waco pamphlets.

You don't owe her or this baby
anything.

What is your problem?

Is it Matt's?

It's her baby, isn't it?
Whoever the father is.

I don't know where you get off saying
I don't owe my wife's baby anything.

Your wife?

We got married...in Vegas.

I can't wear the ring 'cause I'm all
swollen up.

But it's really nice.

Color, clarity, carat --
the three C's of diamond buying.

Who's the father? He has rights and
responsibilities.

My stepfather, if you wanna know.

And the only responsibility he has
is to rot in his grave...

which I hope he's living up to.
Does that make you feel any better?

I don't believe you. I think
you'd say just about anything.

In fact, maybe you should say something
to the police. That would be nice.

It would clear your name, finally...

Where are the ashes?

Don't worry, they're ziplocked.

If you want them back, you'll stop
following us...

you'll cover our expenses,
and you'll leave us alone.

Come on, Matt, let's go.

- I didn't know--
- Come on !

Grab them, get them.

Dedee, listen to me.

- Bill, don't grab her!
- Shut up, Matt!

I want my brother's ashes back, you
heartless little bitch.

That's me, Lucia, heartless.

What body part are you missing?

The urn...

- I'm sorry, I don't have a problem.
- Do you want your check?

No, we're all set here.

Take that. Thank you.

Can you go faster?

I'm going fast enough. I'm not gonna
break the speed limit.

- They are. They're gonna get away.
- They're not gonna get away.

They're just ashes, you know what
I'm saying?

Who knows if they're really Tom 's
anyway?

Do you really think they keep them
separate?

Go ahead and hate me
for stealing them if you want.

But look at these guys. They've
never had more fun in their lives.

He's taking us in circles, this is
what he's doing.

These are teachers, remember.

It's this or clapping erasers in
South Bend.

- I can't believe you did that!
- What was I supposed to do?

They actually live here?

- Now what?
- You want the ashes back or not?

I wanted to divvy them up, remember?

Just in case something like this
happened.

I don't know why I didn't see this
coming.

You don't have to be sarcastic.

I say we wait.

He'll get up and go to work in the
morning...

she'll go out looking for fucking
Bananas Franklin, whatever--

They're called Foster.

And we'll go in there, break in and
get them.

Great, our first felony.

I can get you a cab back to the
hotel.

Stop it.

- I'm sorry.
- That's all right, that's all right.

Oh, my god...did I drool?

It'll dry, don't worry about it.

Usually I have to be up a few more
hours before I'm humiliated.

My god, she's a human tabloid.

Where's Matt?

You see his car?

No.

This neighborhood is awful.

What are you doing?

God damn it.

What?

I think we found the father... of
the next one, anyway.

That can't be good for the baby.

Not only that, she's gonna smoke a
cigarette after.

I hate to say it, but poor Matt.

He made his bed, he can lie in it.

If there's room.

It's not gonna do you any good.
I've looked everywhere.

You sure he didn't just lose it
like you said?

I was watching him the whole
time he was in the casino.

Besides, he's too wimpy to gamble
it.

They're talking about your money.

I'm hungry. Let's go.

Dedee, I told you to keep the door
locked.

Dedee, I told you to keep the door
locked.

I thought you weren't supposed to be
home till two.

I quit. We're gonna go home. Who's
he?

Randy Cates. Pleased to meet you.

Fuck off.

He's a friend from home. He just
came in to take a shower.

You know what that's like after a
long drive.

You think I'm stupid?

What did you mean about us going
home?

'Cause this isn't right,
this isn't how it should be.

You don't take people's ashes.

It's bad enough that we took the
money.

- You took the money.
- And I'm gonna give it back.

I mean, you know, what's left of it.

See? I told you he was lying to me.

You didn't lose the money in Vegas.
Where is it?

You're not getting it. It's for the
baby.

I meant what I said.
I don't care who the father is...

I wanna raise this child. So
should you.

That is my money.

Wait a minute, it's not your baby?
It's not his baby?

Whose do you think it is, Mr. "Who
needs a rubber, I'll pull out in time"?

I thought you said it was your
stepfather's.

Come on, Randy.

Is this the guy with one ball?

Come on, Dedee!

Look, Matt, we're out of here.

It's Randy's baby, we're gonna go,
we're gonna have a fresh start.

It's God's will, right, Randy?

I guess. I wish it was God's will
for me to wear a rubber, but...

We're gonna need that money
for the baby, you see what I'm saying?

No way.

Come on, Matt.
It's not gonna work out between us.

You're gay.

I don't mind so much, but I want
my baby to have a real father.

I told you I was gay.

This guy's a homo?

Could you leave now?

What about the AIDS?

You haven't been sleeping
with this guy, have you?

You're gettin' that stuff
all over the baby.

There's an innocent child inside
this girl. You son-of-a-bitch !

- Randy, be Christ like.
- Back off, man.

You fucking faggot!

Where's the money?

You're gonna need some
of this for the baby.

We're gonna get by just fine.
Come on, baby, let's get out of here.

What about the ashes?

What's all this shit about ashes?

We can get the license plate number
off the car. Come on.

TC8...

TC8 Louisiana. Bill!

There's nothing to decide, Lucia.

She's gone, and he can't stay here.
He's gotta come back with us to Indiana.

I think you're a fool, Bill, but
it's none of my business.

That's a great shower.

Come on and sit down, Matt.

Did you see the sewing kit they
leave you in there?

I know that you feel bad
about what has happened.

- If you mean about stealing the money--
- And my brother's ashes...

and all the trouble your little
boyfriend got Bill into at school.

He's not my boyfriend.
I can't even believe he said that.

Let's not have any postmortems.
Let's just go home...

straighten Jason out,
and then we'll take it from there.

Maybe Jason'll put you up, boyfriend
or not, 'cause Bill won't have you back.

What about the ashes?

They're not Tom, all right?

I'd prefer they weren't bouncing
around in someone's knapsack right now.

You wish. She's probably trying to
smoke them.

What I'm trying to say is...

So things didn't work out between us,
so it didn't last forever, fine.

Let's go our separate ways...

without a lot of bad feelings and
bullshit.

That really surprises me.

This is how we do things on the planet
Maturia. We have much to teach you.

I'm really surprised.

I expected better from...

Maybe not from you, Lucia,
but you, Bill?

- Come on, she's your sister.
- Half-sister.

She's pregnant, probably abused...

with all sorts of repressed memories
that haven't even occurred to her yet.

She comes to you for help
and you let her go off with this like...

really violent stalker guy
who tracked her down.

Wait a minute.

She's in danger, Bill. You told
her mother you'd look after her.

And now this guy who's
like pissed off at the world...

because of a physical abnormality...

which he's probably going
to take out on Dedee.

She's probably used to him
taking out his physical abnormality.

Taking it out and waving it all
around.

I know technically she's a minor.

Bill, she's a kid.

She's got no one to turn to.

Not her mother.

Her father's dead. Her stepfather's
dead.

I lied to her about the money.

Even her blood brother who she came
to for help, on a bus...

Even he's washing his hands of her?

I should let her mother know about
it.

What? I am gonna fucking kill you
right now!

Wait, wait, wait!
I know you're frustrated, I understand.

Believe me, I share your feelings.

Prove it. Help me kill yourself.

I'm sorry,
I feel a responsibility to Dedee.

And the baby.

What are you doing?

Yeah...hi.

I think it's a business.
The police, missing persons.

He's calling the police, Bill!

Matt, sit down.

My god. Stupid!

Lucia, take five. Go on, go!
I can handle this.

I don't think he is as dumb as we
think.

As you think, Lucia.

Fine.

God damn it, god damn you both !

God...fuck!

You know, I hope Tom Cruise is
as straight as they come.

I never thought he wasn't.

Carl...what are you doing here?

- Where's Bill?
- What?

- Where's Bill?
- Shut up. I'm not talking to you.

Wait, this is important. Where's
Bill?

- Taxi !
- It's L.A., they don't have cabs.

Could someone take me to the
airport?

This is ridiculous. Stop it.

You wanna arrest someone? Go up to
room 315.

I'll testify. I'll be on the fucking
jury.

I don't have any jurisdiction here.
I'm here as a friend.

I've know him twenty years, longer
than you.

You're loyal to a fault, that's you.

He's in trouble.

The little bastard who filed
the charges isn't withdrawing them.

The school board's all politics.
He might really lose his job.

I'm here to look out for him.

While you were looking out for him,
there was a gun fight...

some grand larceny, a little
extortion...

and the transportation of a minor
across state lines.

- When did all this happen, today?
- Yeah, all today.

I was visiting a friend.

That's right. She moved out here,
didn't she?

What was her name again, Terry,
Cherry?

Shari. What's your problem with me?

Nothing, nothing.

Just your wife was dying and you
screwed her nurse, that's all.

I was lonely.

That's all you have to say for
yourself?

If Nancy didn't mind, why should
you?

Nancy knew?

What gun fight?

I'm not talking to you.

She's smarter than she looks.

She knows Bill's gonna do what Matt
wants, find me.

But if the police get involved
officially, it'll be a scandal...

and Bill will never get his job
back.

So she gets Carl to call a local buddy,
run Randy's license plate...

and put out an official APB on
us.

you gotta hand it to her,
she always gets her way.

And it's not sex appeal.
She's beyond sex, like amoebas.

Don't give him any names.

Anyway, some cop somewhere spots
Randy's car...

which is at least gonna liven
things up as far as I'm concerned.

Because frankly, I'm starting to
think Randy's missing more than a ball.

Hotel phone calls are too expensive,
and we can't afford it.

We can't afford it, 'cause you spent
$4000 on a fucking bike yesterday.

Would you watch your language,
please?

No. Why don't you watch my language,
I'll watch my money.

I want the rest of it back.

It's the husband's job to decide
what happens with the money.

Bible boy, you're not my fucking
husband!

Now give me my money.

This is what happens when you talk
to your mother.

You get all worked up,
bent out of shape.

I'm going home.

You can't go home, Dedee!

There will be a ticket at the
airport for me by five.

Come on, you gotta stay here with me!
I prayed on this!

Pray on this, you freak.

Come on, I got your gun here!

That's great. What are you gonna do,
shoot me, shoot yourself?

You don't treat me fair.
That's a lot of driving up here.

You asked me to come, I came.
No stopovers or nothing.

I'm just asking you to stand by your
man like I'm standing next to you.

A lot of guys would've said,
"Shucks, she took up with that
homosexual."

"She turned her back on
righteousness."

How about blowing you in the
backseat of your car every day after
band?

That was a stairway to heaven,
right?

You waiting on somebody or
something?

Yeah, the guy from the bike shop.

He's coming to take it back.

The bike.

Don't worry. I'll leave you enough
money to get back to Louisiana.

- I just don't intend to be--
- God damn it, Dedee!

Why are you acting this way?

I think you hurt the baby.

What did you think,
I'd be the dead one?

I'm the fucking narrator, guys,
keep up.

It would be a lot easier
for all of us right now
if Randy was someone we hated.

But he was nice mostly. Even I
liked him.

So in order to get you to swallow
it and not totally hate me...

I'm gonna show you something
that happens in, like, five hours.

He had a very enlarged heart.

He would've lived, I don't know, not
more than six months.

At least he died quick, never knew
what hit him.

He looks peaceful, probably an
orphan.

But it's still murder.

Just not as unlikeable.

What is that, only one ball?

It's me!

Come on, it's me Matt, open up.

I'm so glad you're here.

I know you don't wanna go back
to Indiana to have the baby.

No, I do. Indiana, Louisiana,
I don't care, let's go.

You mean that?

What about this Randy guy?

He's a jerk, I can't stand him.

It's not like we fight--

Who's that?

That's Lucia, Bill and Carl.

Who's Carl?

A friend from back home, a sheriff
from town. That's how we found you.

Can I talk to you inside for
a minute?

Sure, yeah.

What are they talking about?

You think they're just talking?

Yeah, I do.

You think you're being nice, but
it's really just self-destructive.

When is it too hot to analyze me...

a hundred and ten, a hundred and
fifteen degrees?

You've got a death wish.

It's so selfish.

I have one, too,
but I direct it toward others.

Lucia, look at this.

Randy Cates, it's Palm Springs
Harley.

I'm here to get the bike
like your lady said.

Stay here.

Of course.

That's their room.

Were you looking for Dedee Truitt?

They're not there.
Kick it, kick it in.

Harder. Do it again.

- You guys in yet?
- It's Carl.

They're not in here.
We'll be right down.

They won't get far.
They put an APB out and mug shots.

We're not talking without a lawyer.
Say nothing.

Poor kid.

You still think she just needs a
little love? She's a murderer now.

We don't know that yet.

You better hope she's a murderer.
Otherwise Matt is.

We'd like to ask you to stay in Palm
Springs for a few days.

Really? Are we under arrest?

At our expense, of course.

Must have a nice budget.

Carl Tippett, St. Joe County
Sheriff's Department, Indiana.

A colleague.

I'm checking in.

I said I'm sleeping.

Come on, Lucia, let me in.

It's open.

Good. My delivery from 1-800-PITY.

We shouldn't be alone,
not after the day we had.

Any news?

I went down to the station.
They found the motorcycle.

They sold it, probably bought a car.

Don't worry, they'll find them.

I can sleep really well, then.

Where's Carl?

I don't know, bed?

Yeah, I bet.

Like you give a shit.
Like this is incendiary material.

Does this have any effect
on you at all?

What am I supposed to say?

I could dance around you naked.

Vagina, vagina, vagina.

Does that word do anything for you?

I don't think it does much for anyone,
gay or straight. It's too clinical.

It's like dentifrice for toothpaste.

It's so fucking ironic.

Do you know what my mom said when
she found out Tom was gay?

She said, it's such a lonely life.

She said that to the single straight
girl. Isn't that funny?

I don't know, I just don't...

I don't get sex.

You should get out more.

I mean, I don't understand sex.

I don't get it, get it?

It seems like a lot of trouble for
not much.

Am I the only one that thinks this?

I don't think you're the tip
of an iceberg, frankly.

I would rather have a back rub.

It lasts longer,
and there's no fluids.

What's so great about that?

It's like, "Hi, I'd like to blow my
nose on your face."

You wouldn't like that, would you?

And after they do it,
they never phone you.

Or a shampoo.

Just a really great shampoo.
That would make sense.

If you were chasing this asshole
all around the country
because he gave great shampoos...

It's not just sex, I care for Matt.

It is sex, Bill.
You just won't admit it.

'Cause you wanna be above that.

You wanna think that nothing that
happened happened because you like sex.

I'm really beat.

Sex kills, Bill.
You won't accept that.

But why do you think there are no
more real Hawaiians?

And why would they even come up
with the phrase "died in childbirth"...

if it only happened one time?

It's fucking dangerous, sex.

Tom didn't die because of sex.

Didn't he?

PC crap aside, didn't sex kill Tom?

If he just couldn't get enough
shampoos or back rubs...

wouldn't he still be here today?

You might as well say I killed him.

You didn't give it to him.

No, but some other faggot did,
isn't that what you think?

What I think is fine...

chase this bimbo from Indiana
to Chippewa Falls for all I care.

Go ahead, throw away your
reputation...

your job and your students,
whatever...

because you want Matt.

It's your right.

Just don't say that it's about love,
okay?

You're an English teacher.
Call things by their right name.

Okay, fine, fine.

Vagina and sour fucking grapes.
Class dismissed?

What is it?

I heard. I'm sorry.

Is there anything I can do?

Here. I bought you some beer
at the Seven-Eleven.

I needed shampoo.

Are you okay?

I have a headache.

I give good neck rubs.

Can you believe this?
It's so unfair.

She spends her whole life being a
total pill, and this happens.

We're not going inside.
It's too gross.

She turned out to be one of those
talkers, you know what I mean?

"Do it to me, yeah, oh there,
take me home, oh baby."

Sickening.

You'd think all that moaning would
take her mind off Bill.

But no.

It was a bigger story than we'd
figured.

Someone in Palm Springs tipped off
the local press...

and they had a kind of welcome
home parade for him.

The school board scheduled a hearing,
and the D.A. launched a probe.

And my mom hired a lawyer
in to try and get some money from Bill.

The Jason kid disappeared,
so the charges were dropped.

But Bill resigned anyway.

So school started and people
forgot about him.

Except you know who, the stalker.

My key doesn't work!

Gay houses usually sell real
quickly...

because of the recessed lighting
and the good faucets.

The realtor said the boarded up windows
were the kind of challenge she liked.

So it would've ended differently if we'd
waited one or two more days than we did.

But we didn't.

It was October.

Hey, man, how's it going?

Where the hell have you been?
We couldn't hold the hearing.

So busy.

Yeah? Fuck you. And good luck
refilling those charges.

That's not why I'm here.

Curious?

Is this on? Bill, this is Dedee.

I had to send Jason because of
this whole crime thing.

Matt called him one night in
Chicago, and he's been like a fairy
godfather, so to speak.

What?

He wants me to say faggot
godfather.

Anyway, I'm gonna have the baby,
and we need money...

and you're the only one I know
who has money.

Like ten thousand dollars?

We have a little wiggle room there.

and we do have expenses.

If you give us the money...
Jason, hold up the envelope now.

Inside the envelope are letters
where Jason takes back everything.

So you'll get your job back.

Plus, I'll send you pictures of
the baby when it comes out.

Because it will be your niece
or nephew, okay?

Turn it off.

Also, Matt says hi.

So what do you think?

Where are they?

I can't tell you that.

No, you just give me the money...

and that's all, the money.

That's pierced.

Listen to me, you little grunge
faggot...

I survived my family,
my schoolyard...

every Republican, every other
Democrat...

Anita Bryant, the Pope,
the fucking Christian Coalition...

not to mention a real son-of-a-bitch
virus, in case you haven't noticed.

And in all that time
since Paul Lynde and Truman Capote
were the only fairies in America...

I've been busting my ass
so that you'd be able to do
what you want with yours.

So I don't just want your obedience
right now, which I do want plenty of it.

But I want your fucking gratitude
right fucking now...

or you're gonna be looking down a
long road with your nipple in the dirt.

Do you hear what I'm saying?
Take me to them.

Okay, fine, just let me go!
Let me go!

Fuck.

You're supposed to be my brother,
man.

I was brotherly, man.
Think where else you're pierced.

Let's go.

We only have the
regular in Canada.

Jason? Jason Bock?

Oh my god, yeah, the gay.

Miss Dalury, how you doing?

Never mind me. You better be in town
to clear Mr. Truitt's name.

He didn't do anything to me.
That was just leverage.

You are going to march right into
school with me, young man...

and you're going to make
a statement to the principal.

And then I'm going to take you
to the police station.

I'm just passing through, ma'am.

You owe him that much.

Sorry.

I should've flunked you
when I had the chance.

You paid for this, didn't you?

Fucking small town, man.

Oh, my god. Call the school
and tell them I'm sick.

Do it!

Oh, my god...that little bastard.

As soon as the baby's born, we're
off to Mexico. Me, Matt and the kid.

Dedee knows she's not the mommy
type.

So, you know, he's available.

You mean Matt's not straight
anymore?

He called me, didn't he?

Here we are.

Our own little Xanadu.

We got it cheap
because of the season.

Send Matt out first.

She is gonna kill me when she sees
you here.

Just don't tell her you don't have
the money yet, okay?

Matt, I'm back!

What the hell are you doing here?

Jesus, Dedee. God, you're huge.

Jason.

Hey, Dedee, we're back.

He wanted to see you himself.
Family, you know.

Asshole. Get back in the house,
help Matt make dinner.

I'll handle him.

You'll handle me?

Did you really think I was just
gonna load up his car with cash and
point it north?

You're screwing this all up.

When are you due? What does the
doctor say?

We can't afford a doctor.
You didn't bring any money at all?

- Forget the money.
- It's not for me, it's for them.

Part of it, anyway. Did he tell you
they're going to Mexico?

And you're just giving them the baby
as a wedding gift?

I gotta get Matt's name on the birth
certificate.

They'll take my word for it, right?
Once he's the father,
he can take the kid anywhere.

Just give it away.

It's as much his as it is mine. At
least, that's the line I'm gonna take.

Come on, you can't live like this.
This is crazy.

Besides, the police
are looking for you.

I don't wanna talk about that.

I'm your sister, okay? God...

And plus, I got Jason to take back all
those things he said in those letters.

The police are off your back,
thanks to me.

Are you hungry?

The life cycle
of the American bisexual.

He's in the last stage...total Moe.

You pissed me off, Bill,
you always did.

I should be the one who's pissed
off. You leave me in Palm Springs
with the police...

and the body of that poor kid.

That was an accident. They were
struggling and the gun went off.

It's made her very anti-handgun.

Of course, I don't know
why I'm surprised.

It's not like I can expect any loyalty
or consideration or whatever from you.

I told you, I didn't sleep with
Jason when we were together, okay?

She's a little bit at the end
there...Dedee.

I know it was wrong,
but I wasn't happy.

I'm happy with Jason.
He makes me happy.

How? How does he make you happy?

I mean, he's not on your level.

That's what Lucia
used to say about me.

Admit it, this thing between you
and Jason is just sex.

You know that stuff you're breathing
there, it's just oxygen.

It's an itch. You scratch it,
you feel better.

A lot better.

You look good.

It's been a while, I'd forgotten.

What did you do with those
Polaroids?

That's not what I'm talking about.

You know...

Bill, you think too much.

You wanted me, I was fine with that.
I was flattered.

I was stupid enough
to have taken it personally.

But it wasn't enough for you.

You had to take it to the next
level, make it mental or spiritual
or something...

Like some kind of fucking
promotion.

So there's nothing more to you
than your body.

What the fuck do I know? I'm just saying
that if you love me for my mind...

I know that's not
my best feature, right?

So where does that leave me?

Not only does my lover have a fool
for a boyfriend, so do l.

You're not a fool.

You know what I'm not -- Tom.

I'm sorry that he died.

But I'm sure that wherever he is,
he doesn't care that we screwed around.

He doesn't feel better that you
moved me in but told everybody
that it was more than sex.

He died, that really sucks.

But you don't get to make it better
by being this really great guy...

who only likes
the insides of people.

He was robbed.

So were you.

Even Lucia, who I could care less
about...

Couldn't care less.

Sorry.

So...good night.

You look kind of cute...all stupid
like.

Can I just say to all the girls
out there...

if you're with a guy who groaned or made
some crack during that little kiss...

you're with what we call
a closet case.

That's the number one tip-off.

Number two is if they freak out
about gays in the military.

You know, if they can't discuss it
without giggling about showering
with guys...

and bending over for soap
and stuff.

That's not good.

Real straight guys don't spend a
whole lot of time thinking about
wet naked men, if you ask me.

I'm sorry... it was all
that stuff about Tom.

How did you get here?

I followed you guys
from the Seven-Eleven.

Do you have anything to eat?

So what do we do now?

I'm gonna try to convince her
to have the baby back in the States.

Are you never gonna call me again?

I don't have to,
you keep tailing me.

Matt thinks that it was about sex,
too...

so I wasn't completely off.

Matt has a higher opinion of sex
than you do.

Than I used to.

Congratulations.

Congratulate Carl.

I don't feel so good.

What the fuck is she doing here?

Is something wrong?

Oh, my god! Take her to the couch,
take her to the couch.

Where does it hurt?

Where do you think?

What's going on?
Oh, my god, is she...

Hi, Miss Dalury.
What are you doing here?

Never mind, Jason. Call 9-1-1.

It's okay, it's okay!

Go see how fast
an ambulance can get here!

Get that towel.

You are not hemorrhaging.
Are you having contractions?

No, this is my sleepy face.
What the fuck do you think?

- What's going on?
- We can't get through!

We'll be at the hospital in a few
minutes. It's okay.

This can't be good.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

Is that the ambulance?

That was Carl. How did he find us?

Only one of you can
go in there with her.

She's crowning.

What does that mean?

They can see the head.

It's huge! You can probably see it
from space!

You're gonna have a baby.

Yeah, lucky me.

You can call your mom if you want,
after this.

- No. Bill?
- Is another one coming?

Where's my bag?

Lucia has it. You need something?

Tom's ashes are in there.

All of them. I double-bagged it.

Good.

It was really fucking low.

I want you to know that I know.

We don't have to talk about this now.
Everything's gonna be fine.

And the baby's Randy's.

I know, it was an accident.
I don't have to hear this now.

We don't need to talk about it.
Everything's gonna be fine.

I just don't want you to think
that I never think about it.

I don't think that.

If anything happens to me, will you
keep the baby, not them?

Nothing's gonna happen to you.

All right, here we go.

Breathe, breathe...

All right, bear down. Push.

Excuse me, but haven't we seen this
scene like a million times before?

I pant and swear, and I'm like,
you know, pissed off.

Women delivering
are always pissed off...

and asking for that shot,
that epidural or whatever.

And swearing at the man who got
them into it and so on.

So I gotta give you
something else to watch.

You feel free to go back and forth.

Carl, we're all waiting inside.

I'm fine out here.

I'm sorry. There wasn't time
to pull over.

- What's the point, Lucia?
- What's what point?

What's the point of sleeping with you
if it doesn't get your attention...

if I always come second to Bill?

Excuse me?

Say the point of sex isn't recreation
or procreation or any of that stuff.

Say it's concentration.

Say it's supposed to focus your
attention on the person you're
sleeping with...

Like biological highlighter.

Otherwise, there's just too many
people in the world.

So while I'm sleeping with you, I'm not
supposed to care about anybody else?

Look for me first
in any crowded room.

And I'll do likewise.

Otherwise, a person ends up sleeping
with somebody else.

It's just a habit,
thinking about Bill.

Because of Tom.

I know.

Are you okay?

So you think there are too many
people in the world?

What are you talking about?

And sex has nothing to do
with procreation?

Are you pregnant?

Yes.

Really?

And I'll tell you something,
it's not Bill's.

One more, one more. Come on, Dedee.

It's a boy.

It's a boy.

It's a boy.
It's a beautiful baby boy.

Just do me a favor, count his balls.

Oh, shit...

She's gonna need blood.

We need two pints of O-negative
in here stat.

And put twenty crit in that line
and open it up.

Call surgery and tell them we've
got a postpartum bleeder in the E. R.

Let's go, let's move!

Didn't think I could die, did you?

Look at them. Who'd have thought
they gave a shit?

Even her. Look at her.

Unless she's crying for Bill,
not me. Contact grief.

No, I think it's for me.

Look at Bill.
I did nothing but screw up his life.

I knew Matt liked me.

He's got a boner,
believe it or not.

Drama queen.

And like these guys,
some of you ended up liking me, too.

And thought maybe,
just maybe I wasn't a total shit.

But you were wrong.
I'm screwing with you right now.

No way I died.

I could've, that much is true.

The river of blood, that happened.

But somehow it stopped.

I don 't know why, but it did.

When do we get to see him?

After they've cleaned him up.

We can leave.
We don't have to stay long.

Does she get skinny right away?

Probably not, Matt,
but that's a real intelligent question.

Because she really hated being fat,
I mean really...

You okay, buddy?

Yeah, it's been a long year.

I'm glad she's not dead and all...

but she's what
I call a real user.

I don't know what's so great
about motherhood.

Just looking at that soft spot made
me wanna scream.

I told Matt and Jason
that I wanted to keep him,
and they were pretty cool about it.

When you nearly hemorrhage
to death, people cut you a break.

Most of them, anyway.

Carl got us to return to the States,
so he's like super cop.

Matt and I had to go out to Palm
Springs and answer all these
questions about Randy.

Matt gets off scot-free.

Me, they put in jail
for six months for leaving
the scene of a crime or something.

Even though they couldn't prove
it was murder.

Especially since Randy left all
these crazy writings in the room
about satan and stuff.

So that looked good for me.

Lucia decided to forgive me
and sent me care packages every week.

Lucky me.

Jason made a statement that he'd
been paid to make his charges...

by the Christian Right guys on
the school board -- the ones
against evolution and Huck Finn.

Which was a total lie, but even so,
they won't be back for another term.

I let Bill take custody
of the baby.

And he worked it out so my parole
time was spent at his place in Indiana.

Breaking escrow cost him a shitload.

Lucia and Carl had their baby.
You can imagine the pick of that litter.

It was the kind of kid that if
you played with it too much
after a feeding, you threw up.

But they loved it.

Bill was cute with R.J. --
that's Randy junior.

Even though it spooked me at
first...

him changing a boy baby and
getting good peaks at his little thing.

But he says straight dads change
girl babies all the time
and nothing ever comes of that.

Is he naive or what?

Anyway, R.J. was crazy about him
and vice-versa.

But he never really took to me.

Maybe Jason was right,
I'm not the mommy type.

I don't care.

But the court says I'm supposed
to hang here with my brother until
I'm eighteen...

just the three of us, except for once
a week visits from my parole officer.

It wasn't once a week for long.

I didn't mind.

If there have to be gay people,
at least it's nice there's enough
of them to go around.

Seems like everybody's
having sex but me.

Good for them.

It's not that I'm against sex.

It was clever of God or evolution
or whatever to hook the survival
of the species to it...

because we're gonna screw around
no matter what.

It was a smarter thing to pick
than say...

the instinct to share your toys
or return phone calls.

We'd have died out like eons ago.

But on the minus side, god...
all the attachment that goes with it.

It's like this net.

Sex always ends in kids
or disease...

or like, you know,
relationships.

That's exactly what I don't want.

I want the opposite of all that.

Because it's not worth it,
not really, is it...

when you think about it?

Okay, so maybe I'm wrong.
Maybe it's not all shit. Maybe...

God damn it.

I thought the whole idea
was I know what happens next.

I'll tell you one thing...

I'm not gonna go back to Bill's house
and be this big changed person for you.

I told you right off
I don't grow a heart of gold.

And if I do, which is, like,
so unlikely...

give me a break and don't make
me do it in front of you.

Come on, guys, go, okay?

Go!

I'll give you this much, though...

I never was the same again after
that summer.