Original subtitles

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Thank you. Thank you.

Hello and welcome to what is tonight, a Top Gear special.

It's special because it is just one big film.

Yep, and to make it, we had to go on holiday.

You say it was a holiday, but it was a fly-drive holiday,

so it wasn't a holiday at all, because you get to the car hire desk

and there's the gormless man with the spiky hair.

He types War And Peace into his computer for 16 hours

and then he doesn't know where England is

and he steals your driving licence

and then he directs you to a car park where your car isn't.

So we were going to try and see if we could make it any better.

Rather than suffer the misery of hiring a car,

maybe it made more sense to buy one.

We were each given a budget of $1,000.

Now here is the really clever bit.

At the end of our holiday, which is essentially a road trip

across four states, we would see if, instead of simply having to hand the hire car back,

we could sell our cars and get most of the $1,000 back.

It was brilliant.

Now, in the holiday, we had stones thrown at us by rednecks,

we crashed into a river full of alligators,

we - what else happened?

Oh, we had to eat a squirrel.

Anyway, the big challenge was

could we buy a car for less than it cost to rent one for a fortnight?

Let's find out.

RADIO: Miami, hot and sunny.

34 degrees.

Yes, Miami, home to all the most successful drug dealers,

this year's Mr Big Mac,

and Silicon Valley.

All very glamorous, but our journey began here,

in the city's used car lots.

This is where we had a morning to find a set of wheels

for less than £1,000.

I think I'd quite like to take this one for a test drive.

What's under the bonnet of that? It's a V6. V6? Yeah.

Got anything with a V8?

'I wanted a muscle car,

'so I went straight to a dealership that sells Corvettes.'

Have you got the keys?

Thank you.

Oh!

400... 400 horsepower. For a 5.7L V8.

Ah!

HE LAUGHS

OK, how much is it?

$64,815.

So...

$64...?

..815.

..thousand dollars.

Yeah.

What if I gave you $1,000 for it?

$1,000? Mm.

Richard, it seems, was being similarly ambitious.

How much is this?

$89,900.

I need something a bit less than that. A little bit less? Less than that.

So how much for a Cougar?

Cougars are anywhere from $35-200,000,

depending on the condition and so on.

I need something that's a bit... less than that.

Less than that? How much for a Challenger?

Challengers start at 20,000. 19,900. Less than that. Less than that? Less than that.

See this here, look?

He's turning right on a red light. That is America's only contribution to Western civilisation.

RADIO: There's never been a better time to buy...

I was the only one using even a modicum of common sense.

Would you take $1,000 for this?

OK, er, that's gonna be a little bit difficult.

Soon, I took a leaf out of James's book, lowered my sights

and quickly found a tidy Camaro at a place called Adolf's.

$2,900 this.

It's a big ask, to get him down to $1,000.

I might offer him a burger.

Very popular with murderers, these cars. Yeah.

Meanwhile, I'd found something we don't have in Britain - a dealership

specialising in ex-Government cars.

This was a police car -

you can tell by the colour, the hole for the aerial,

it says Police Interceptor on it.

This one was probably, I dunno, maybe a spy, cos there's no badging on that.

That could've been a Men In Black and that was a VAT man.

The important thing is, they've all been properly maintained,

and I'm told they're dirt cheap.

And indeed they were.

But even these were beyond my budget.

I don't have anything right now for $1,000.

Even sensible James was struggling.

I want a real Kojack, smokin'...

Ah, a real cool car, huh? Yeah.

How about a '99 Honda Civic?

Meanwhile,

back at Adolf's, negotiations on the Camaro had broken down.

Well, it's not going well, mate.

'I thought that we'd get here and we'd find'

fantastic old, American '80s cars for $300.

I know, I did. I thought we'd just be tripping over Oldsmobile Cutlasses

'and Firebirds...' Yeah.

'It's cos we're buying in that '90s period when they made rubbish. I'm looking at a Buick Le Sabre...

'God, don't!'

It was rubbish when it was new,

it was built by idiots and it's rubbish now.

You know we've got one hour left?

BLEEP, have we?

And I've reached the bottom end of the town.

I wouldn't have the Chinese food round here, let's put it that way.

The fact was, though, if we were going to find cars for $1,000,

we'd have to go to an even lower bottom end of the town.

How much murdering happens here? A lot.

If you go one mile away here, you go to any street...

I'll be murdered?

Yeah. Everybody here, they have guns.

Including me.

Wanna see?

He's not joking!

It's real. Here.

25.

Now, you see, I wasn't ready for that.

Welcome to the United States.

This is his other gun.

That's not a shotgun, Robert, that's a rifle.

Right, it's a rifle. The shotgun is somewhere else. I don't know where.

And you need this if you're gonna be a car salesman?

The guy here, if you go two blocks down here, he got shot five times.

Why? By someone buying a car? But he killed the guy.

He killed the guy? He killed the guy, finally.

So why've you got telescopic sights on it?

Because if they go far away, you just shoot them.

You saw the movie - John Wayne - the guy is running all the way,

like, 500 feet.

And pshh, he shoot it right there.

'Hammond!'

Yes, Jeremy. How are you doing? Just been told by my new best friend, Robert the Persian,

if you go beyond 79th Street,

'you will definitely be murdered, shot.'

Good bye.

Hammond is wearing cowboy boots.

They're gonna shoot him, aren't they?

Is it south or north of 79th Street I can't go?

I decided the best plan was to stay ON 79th Street itself

and came across what must be the most optimistic dealer in town.

Ah, well. Needs must.

The lesson we've learned already was that it was easier to rent a car than buy one,

but we weren't giving up.

Believe me, I'm desperate now. Desperate for wheels.

Distressed look on the roof. Gunshot holes!

The car's got a history!

Oh, no...

It's got a tree growing out of it!

There's been an accident, but the car's running and I was wondering if I could make her an offer for it.

We've been ambitious here, I think.

This $1,000 is a low amount of money.

I then decided to go beyond the lower back end of town.

Have you guys got any idea where I can find a car for $1,000?

$1,000?

You've got some great teeth! Have you seen these teeth?!

HE LAUGHS

You want it today? It's gotta be today. OK.

All right. Let me get back to you.

Go right ahead to the stop sign, go to the right,

go up exactly two blocks...

What, this way? Yeah.

Amazingly, the tip paid off and I was the first to arrive

at our pre-arranged meeting point -

the Miami Jai-alai stadium.

This...

is a Chevrolet Camaro, the RS model.

5L V8 engine,

5-speed gearbox, rear-wheel drive - a full-on American muscle car.

Only three previous murderers,

and I only paid £800 for it.

I am...it's a brilliant, brilliant, brilliant find.

Then Hammond turned up.

Oh, dear.

He's never been to America before and now he's bought himself

what he thinks all Americans have. That is bluff.

Whaddya think?

I, well...

It's a Dodge Ram! It's terrible.

A dent. There's a few dents and bits missing. It's basic. It's basic motoring at its very best.

You know how a Mercedes goes?

Yeah.

SCREECHING CLUNK

Not a Mercedes. It's not a Mercedes!

How much?

$1,000.

That shuts. $1,000? Yes.

$800. I'm already $200 ahead of you.

$800?!

The RS model!

Was that the basic one?

Course it wasn't the basic one! RS is Rally Sport!

I'd ask James on that one when he arrives, but I'm not entirely sure it was.

There was the RS, the IROC-Z,

the RS was the...yes.

I'll keep quiet about that.

But no, every single thing on it works.

Nearly.

Oh, it's a manual! Five on the floor, rear-wheel drive. I've got a muscle car. How many horsepower?

Two hundred and... Oh, rubbish! 170.

190. How do they get such a small amount of horsepower from a car?

The more pressing question, though, was where was James?

He'll have walked into a dealership and they'll have shot him.

HE LAUGHS

AS JAMES: "Hello!"

How can he take so long?

Because that's what he does.

I mean, he'll be lost.

CAR HORN BLARES

Good grief! Is that him?!

It's a train!

That's.. ...the Titanic! I've changed my mind - it's an aircraft carrier!

That's really big!

That, gentlemen, is how you do it.

That's a 1989 Cadillac Brougham sedan.

What do you think?

Well, it's terrible!

It's like a long walk round it! It's a really long walk!

I like that, though.

It doesn't just move up and down - look! It goes from side to side!

Have you seen the roads round here? That is a perfect car for the environment. $900.

And you can see why.

Well, don't do that, mate! Ohh!

It's got newspaper in it! You can date it! Find out when it was repaired. It was a Wednesday.

What size engine has this thing got? 5L V8.

It's not fast... You don't say!

Is it not, mate? I took one look and thought it's like a Lotus Exige!

James then turned on our cars.

The wheels are odd. No, I've got an alloy. That's my alloy.

Check out my alloy.

This has just been made out of bits. It hasn't!

Ah, no, ah!

It smells of bodies.

Ooh, it does smell a bit ripe! Hold on...

Eurr! It's the clothes of the last person they killed!

It is!

Oh, my...!

Oh, God, no!

That's the last person the driver killed!

Don't look.

The poor man was trying to get out...

James and I bought cars. Yes.

You've bought a pick-up truck.

The reason yours is in better condition is it's just a pick-up truck.

It's lovely. I'm delighted with it. I quite like the pick-up truck. Compared to the Camaro?!

What, you don't like the Camaro?

I'm sorry, I don't. Well, I do - one of those in good nick, yes.

Yours is a dog.

It isn't! It...Jeremy!

But every one of us has got something better than you get from a rental desk. Well, yeah.

To find out how good our cars were, we were told to head to a racetrack 90 miles north of Miami.

There we'd be given a series of challenges.

I'm in a murderer's muscle car heading through Miami.

Yes. This is brilliant!

I love pick-up trucks!

It's a Cadillac!

I'm absolutely staggered!

HE LAUGHS

I've even got a functioning radio...

..although there's only one station it'll pick up, which is gospel. Ready?

'..the Holy Spirit. Jesus Christ is my Lord!'

Yes, I agree with you.

'..I am blessed!'

RADIO: Temperatures are a big deal. We're well into the 90s and even 100s...

The mono radio station, however, was the tip of an iceberg.

If I'm honest, there are one or two issues

with my Camaro.

Er, the rev counter, for example. Broken.

Then there's an alarming knocking noise from the front suspension

when you go over a bump,

or when you're on full lock.

The others, too, were finding problems.

Now we're alone, viewers, I can admit to one or two very small faults with my Cadillac.

The first is the squeak, a loose belt or bearing or something.

The other - it is fantastically slow, this thing.

I'm doing 55 and I'm putting my foot down and I'm really struggling to get it up to 60.

If I'm honest,

it does pull a little bit to the right.

And if I brake, it pulls to the left, really badly.

I'm right behind Richard Hammond's Dodge Ram and I've just noticed that the body doesn't line up...

HORN BLARES

Hang on!

..with the wheels quite right.

But the worst problem by a mile is the air conditioning,

which, as you can probably see from the state of my shirt,

is broken.

92% humidity and no air-con!

The only consolation I have is that Hammond's air conditioning

doesn't work either.

Apart from the air conditioning not working, it's pretty much perfect!

For the first time I've got a radio on one of these trips!

But enough of the cars' little foibles.

It was time to settle down and enjoy our journey across the Sunshine State.

God, Florida's awful!

Nasty insects,

old people, fat people, a lot of people who all offer you cheese.

AMERICAN ACCENT:

You want cheese with that? You want cheese with that?

And then shoot you.

# Going where the weather suits my clothes... #

While Hammond roasted, James remained smug and cool.

It's getting a bit parky, actually.

I'll just turn the temperature up very slightly.

FAN WHISTLES

Look! I'm Burt Reynolds!

I'm the bandit!

Argh!

Eventually, we turned off the highway...

BIRDS SQUAWK

..and arrived at the racetrack.

The Moroso Motorsports Park is unusual in America,

because it has left-handed turns and some which go right as well.

Perhaps that's why it was deserted - too complicated for the colonials?

Or maybe everyone had been murdered?

Whatever. It was time for our first challenge.

It says that each of our cars must complete one lap of the track. The target is one minute, ten seconds.

Get points for every second under that time, lose points for every second over it.

But none of us have seen that track. Yes. That's gonna be tricky.

You're not driving.

Who is? Some say that he's a CIA experiment that went wrong

and that he only eats cheese.

All we know is, he's not The Stig.

But he is The Stig's American cousin!

Ooh!

Big Stig!

THEY LAUGH

First, he squeezed himself into my Camaro.

One, two, three...

go!

RICHARD LAUGHS

I was expecting "ar-ar-ar-ar-aw!"

It's 0-60 in 7.9 seconds. Yeah, once!

It can do 110 and he's doing that now! And no more.

It's limited. It's electronically limited.

No, it's just naturally limited to 110 cos it's rubbish!

Lean that weight in there, Big Stig!

There he goes. One minute, nine seconds on our top stopwatch.

Is that good? We don't know, do we?

'What we did know was that the pimp-mobile was next.'

I'm going to need a calendar for this, not a stopwatch.

Have you got a diary?

I'll hold this stone, and as it's eroded by the wind, that'll give us an idea of how long it's been.

air-con max.

BEEPING

ENGINE TURNS OVER, THEN DIES

Oh, cock.

THEY LAUGH

It's broken, isn't it, mate? It's run out of electricity. 'To raise the Titanic,

'we borrowed a battery booster.'

Is that for starting your watch when it stops?

That's just...

ENGINE ROARS

Oh, it's begun!

One, two, three...

go!

It's moved off(!)

It's still moving off!

# I am a lineman for the county

# And I drive the main road... #

24 days. # Searching in the sun for another... #

I'm getting older.

# ..overload And I need you more... #

It looks fabulous! Come on, admit it. We've got plenty of time to admire it(!)

# ..and I want you for all time... #

The Cadillac certainly seemed to suit Big Stig's relaxed driving style.

# ..Wichita lineman. #

THEY LAUGH

On the grass! 'But would the match made in heaven be able to beat the Camaro's

'one minute nine?'

Yay! Go on?

One minute 14.

So now it was all down to Hammond's hillbilly-mobile.

Three, two, one, go!

Is that a manual? It sounds very...yeah! Stick shift, four on the floor with overdrive.

Actually, it all looked pretty promising.

If this beats mine, I'll have to kill you. I am in the Camaro, so don't think I won't.

Oh, it's a proud and noble thing.

You saw Brokeback Mountain and thought "I want a piece of that life"!

Not that piece, I'll have the truck.

Although the truck had started well,

in the last few tight corners, it was rubbish.

Have you seen how my alloy glints in the sun?

What were you, 1.14? Yep.

No, it can't...!

12, 13, 1.14! Noooooo!

How could that happen?! One-sixteen point nine!

That's more to do with the Stig being too big...

TYRES SCREECH

THEY LAUGH

He didn't make the turn!

Fat Stig's work was done.

And so it was time for the next challenge.

You must each accelerate your car to 50mph. When you reach 50mph,

you must brake as hard as you can.

So this is a test of acceleration and braking all together? Yes.

You must brake before the end of the track.

At the end of the track, there is a river...

That's no big deal.

..full of alligators.

And that wasn't a misprint.

I should explain - that is the track, so if you look up there, OK, there it is.

OK? And here... this is alligator-infested.

There's another one.

We drew hotdogs and mine was the shortest.

I hope he doesn't die at the end.

It's saltwater crocodiles you need to worry about.

I think.

I hope he doesn't go in the river. That'd be awful. Here we go.

The hell with the clutch!

Spirited start.

Come on, 30! I don't want to be eaten by an alligator! 35!

40!

45!

It's 50!

TYRES SCREECH

That's doubly disappointing.

Number one, he's not dead. Yep. And number two,

the fastest-accelerating car here only just stopped before the grass.

Surely though, the Huggy Bear-mobile

would struggle to do 0 to 50 to 0 in the distance?

Whoa-hoo!

CAR RUMBLES

That is movement. Come on, car!

Come on, come on, come on!

Nearly there!

Brake!

TYRES SCREECH

Strewth, that had me worried!

I should imagine he's clenched in there!

Eight tons of Caddy!

I was really nervous.

I'd just seen Big Stig try to stop my truck and fail completely.

We're away. That's 20.

Here he comes, to a certain death!

40.

45. It takes ages.

Oh, my God! Oh, God!

Oh!

JEREMY AND JAMES LAUGH

That is quite funny.

Hammond?

Are you alive? Alligators, mate!

Yeah....

Can I suggest, we may have made them angry.

I've just driven into their living room!

Such an insufferable oaf.

Argh, there's my pick-up, look!

The cars had survived their ordeal by track - just.

But the next morning, the real test began.

A sweltering 800-mile road trip to New Orleans.

RADIO: Today, partly cloudy, highs in the lower 90s. Chance of thunderstorms, 30%.

Things started badly.

ENGINE WHIRRS AND DOESN'T START

ENGINE STRAINS AND DOESN'T START

Has it got petrol in it?

Yeah, look, it's full. BLEEP!

Well, yeah, but has it got petrol in it? It could be broken.

When did you last put petrol in it? Um...

Miami.

Now you come to mention it...!

You stupid man!

It's a 5L V8!

Ahem. The car is fine.

What's happened is...

Mine's run out of electricity again.

You're joking.

Can I borrow your van and your jump leads?

See how prepared we are on this show(!)

You had the, er, leads in your car.

No, no, you had the leads.

I'm not a stupid man.

I've got a door panel, some bolts, and that's it.

What's the matter?

He's lost the jump leads. He's lost the jump leads. He's lost the jump leads. This isn't going well, is it?

If you're thinking of coming to America,

this is what it's like. You've got your Comfort Inn, your Best Western, your Red Lobster where you eat.

Everybody's very fat, everybody's very stupid, and everybody's very rude.

It's not the holiday programme, it's the truth.

Eventually, the leads were found

and Hammond positioned himself for the jump start.

No, it's not funny!

We're off!

I'm sweating already.

I'm not going to be for much longer. It's not a sunny day,

it's just a humid day today. Do you know what this is?

Tropical?

No, that's the approach of a cold front.

That's tall cumulonimbus with a high...

CRASH

THEY LAUGH

CRASH

It's bigger than you expect.

You don't realise...

I'd love to know what Hammond thinks he looks like, chewing gum,

his Aviators, his cowboy hat and his pick-up truck.

To help relieve the tedium of the journey, the production office had provided us

with CB radios.

And for those, we needed appropriate call signs.

Brokeback, Brokeback, this is Murderer.

This is Brokeback to Murderer and the Captain...

INDISTINCT

I wonder why these CB radios never caught on(?)

Breaker, breaker one-nine, contact eyeball ten-ten till we do it again, Captain Slow.

INDISTINCT

He's there! He's there and I can't understand him!

This was hopeless, so we changed channels.

Hello, I'm on 22. Are you there?

'Yo, big boy!'

And finally made contact with a native.

INDISTINCT

That's him in that truck!

He's asking...

..He's asking another lorry driver where he might find a lady friend for the afternoon.

All they've got to talk about on that CB is the weather and prostitutes.

AMERICAN ACCENT: Yeah, it's raining, I'm going north and I'm looking for a whore.

As we headed north-west, the heat and humidity became unbearable.

You're sitting there in the winter,

you can't imagine what it's like to be in an un-air-conditioned car in Florida now.

It's so hot.

RADIO: Danger persists in the hot west. Even though almost a quarter of the fire is contained,

much of it is still burning out of control.

Only the insufferable May wasn't suffering.

'Hey, chaps, it's me here.

'Just to let you know that my air conditioning is working very nicely. It's 65 degrees Fahrenheit.'

Yes, all right!

But then the smile was wiped from his face...

..again.

Any charge left in it?

I've brought you some presents.

I've got you a steak and cheese biscuit. What?!

And I've bought you a fan!

Really?! Yeah. We've got fans. That's fantastic, mate!

How do you feel now? Yeah, air-con, there it is!

Ooh! Eugh, eugh!

See what I've got? Ham and cheese.

Yes. Dundee ham and cheese. I'll read you the ingredients. Blah, blah, blah and...

imitation American cheese! So it's the only thing that hasn't got any cheese on? Yes!

After our imitation American lunch,

it was my turn to help the stricken Cadillac.

Oh, yes!

Oh, back in the sweat box.

RADIO:

Intensive heat warnings continuing.

Now, what that is doing, it's just turbo-charging warm air into my face!

That's got...

Nice one!

Jeremy, this is Brokeback.

Did you cut the wire?

RADIO: You want your man to look good, but words like exfoliant scare him.

The miles passed, with the Cadillac endlessly breaking down.

No!

Have you got the leads? No, you have.

Still, thanks to the automatic windscreen washers at Florida service stations...

Oh, no!

..Hammond and I could at least enjoy some refreshing showers while we got it going again.

Oh!

The Cadillac, however, was not the only trouble maker.

After just 200 miles, my Camaro was hardly tiptop either.

Right, sit-rep on the Camaro.

Some of the headlights are working, the dashboard's come off,

all the dials are broken,

one radio speaker remains, however. And it's good!

RADIO: The good news is that with God's help, we can stop global warming.

In a world where tails stop wagging, sticks don't get fetched

and chew toys stay dry, one man dares to step forward and declare,

"I can get to the root of your dog's depression."

Eventually, our Top Gear fly-drive holiday combo

reached the 300-mile mark.

As a reward, the production office gave each of us $100 to buy an accessory

that might in some way make our journey less arduous.

Hoping and praying that James

had bought a new battery for his stupid Cadillac,

we all met up to show off our new toys.

A trailer? Nope. The Freedom Grill 500. A grilling system?! It's a grilling system.

What is it?

THEY LAUGH

I have been... No, no way!

Look at that!

Drop tailgate, cooking platform, whaddya think?

Gordon Ramsay hasn't got anything like that in his kitchen.

Have you got anything that good, James?

No. 'Right,'

I got a clothes rack. What?!

Look at my perfectly pressed linen jacket. He has a linen jacket...

OK, so, you step into your car... and here, if you look,

is a shower.

In your car? Yup.

Where will you get the water from, then?

It comes from the cool box in the back, this tube.

Then you just plug this into the cigarette lighter, hit that button,

refreshing shower.

I bet you're jealous.

Sadly, though, our dreams of luxury living

were shattered when we received the next challenge.

Tonight, you will be camping. Oh. What?! I know.

And you are only allowed to eat

what you find dead at the side of the road.

What, you mean roadkill?

Yeah, you're only...yeah.

So that's animals that we find by the road, dead? Yeah. That's our supper.

Just think about it!

You can prepare the food, wash it, I can then cook it,

James can dress for dinner.

RADIO: Potatoes, tomatoes, it's hard to know. I can see that.

So, let me ask you. How high should a pineapple bounce when it's ripe?

OK, sit-rep.

The power steering pump really is on its last legs.

I've got a terrible wheel wobble,

er...but I'm cool, for the first time since I set off!

I am cool now!

To increase our chances of finding some roadkill, we swapped the interstate

for smaller roads.

And very quickly, we got lucky.

On the right, what's that?

Do you know what? I don't fancy it.

No matter though, because further down the road, I came across a fresh, tasty possum.

But then...

James, don't run over it, you... you blithering idiot!

You've just run over it!

That's not edible now, is it?

For flattening our supper,

James was punished.

CRASH

CRASH

HE LAUGHS

Eventually, we did find fresh meat.

But it was a bit too fresh.

I thought you were gonna run it over?! Even I wouldn't do that!

What do you reckon... Eurgh! Don't do that, tortoise!

How can you have - there are no wild tortoises! They've gotta be somewhere!

It's escaped from some eight-year-old girl... How does a tortoise escape?! Come back!

'Finally, though, ten miles down the road...' We've got dinner!

Squirrel. Check that out!

I think that, with a bit of cheese, will be delicious.

Right.

Look at May's face!

I never told you about my vegetarianism, did I?

Soon, we were near the field where we would be camping for the night.

Right now, the sun's going down,

I'm with my mates,

it's down below 90 degrees, we're in the Deep South,

it's a pleasant evening. This is nice.

But we still only had a squirrel for dinner,

so I peeled off for one last forage, while the others went ahead to set up camp.

Sorry!

Right, we've got work to do.

I'm thinking squirrel on the rack,

and then maybe - here's my plan -

with a few herbs, garnished, something like that.

Um, I'm thinking if I cook it once,

and then maybe cook it again, so it'll go like crispy duck, only it's a squirrel.

Is he ever coming back?!

We can't just lob it on, can we?

With rabbit, you take the head off, you go down the middle... But all we have to do it with

is a tent peg. Didn't you bring a penknife?

No.

Time passed, and still no sign of Jeremy.

I'm not peeling it, mate. I don't see why I should do it.

Come on. I don't want to peel a squirrel. I'll bring it over.

HORN BLARES

Is that a car? Is it Jezza?

James?

What's he got? In all seriousness,

that's...

What?!

HE LAUGHS

You have got to be...!

It's a flaming cow, mate!

Main course. Yeah. I'm thinking how long I've been in that sun putting the tent up. Why?

Because what I'm seeing - you'll love this -

is a cow on the roof of your Camaro. It is a cow on there. It is!

I don't want to be pedantic, but is it roadkill?

What, are you suggesting I ran it down?

Well... Check out the front of my car.

Someone helped me get it on there, but I didn't run it down.

It was at the side of the road, now it's on the roof and it's our supper!

Do you know what to do with it? Well, you've got to... Peel it.

I'm not peeling that!

First, though, we had to get it off the roof.

What if I go round a corner quite quickly, backwards?

Um, left hand down, yes. If I reverse, left hand down, it'll roll over that way, do we think?

I reckon she's good to go.

Yes, there you go!

Hey, Jeremy! What? I'm better! I can't see a cow on the roof of your Camaro any more!

I'm not hungry. What?!

I'm not hungry.

You!

It stinks, Jeremy.

That night, Brokeback and I feasted on beef and squirrel,

and then, with May in bed,

we decided it would be better for all of us

if the air conditioning in his car were to break.

Shh! OK.

(Sorry!)

(Why don't we just hit it with a hammer?)

RICHARD LAUGHS

(Hold on.)

(Oh, hang on, hang on!)

THEY LAUGH

(They really built these old buses. It's ridiculous!)

JEREMY LAUGHS

Oh, I'm just hitting it with a spatula.

Another mosquito just bit my face.

It's not working.

JEREMY LAUGHS

He's gonna notice, isn't he?

THEY LAUGH

Another humid day dawned, and now May knew what it felt like.

Those pathetic,

lager-swilling, barbecuing, redneck thugs that I call my co-presenters

have vandalised my car.

I have had to make a few modifications

to the car this morning.

Because of the cow incident, I lost the aerial,

so now I've got an iStation instead.

And that, teamed with the fan, means I really can't see where I'm going.

Also, because some cow did get into the car, I'm using air fresheners here to cover up the smell,

so I can't really see where I've been.

Oh, and, um, the passenger seat.

That got a lot of cow juice on it,

so it's now in the back of Hammond's truck.

RADIO: By this afternoon, skies will be considerably cloudy with showers and thunderstorms likely.

North east winds, 5-10mph.

Come on!

Alabama's only 40 miles now!

Our scrap yard cars have covered 650 miles and, inevitably,

they were becoming more than just metal.

This whole thing now really sums up why I love cars.

Take this Camaro.

The dash is more plastic than an American newsreader.

The engine's got less power then Belgium,

the suspension is softer than the journalism in an in-flight magazine,

and of course, it reeks of cow.

But, I adore it,

because you can just sense it wants to keep going.

And I bet James is exactly the same there in the Cadillac.

I bet he's having exactly the same emotions.

I'd rather be in this now than an Enzo -

and I'm not joking.

But before we entered Alabama,

we had to go to Bagdad for our next challenge.

This is it!

We are in Bagdad.

Not a place I was expecting to visit on this trip.

Challenge time.

Lose 5lbs in one hour?!

Yep, sweat it away! Come on then.

No.

OK, it says here we must not be shot or arrested as we drive across the proud state of Alabama.

But we will get bonus points if we can get one of the others shot or arrested.

I don't understand. How do we do that?

You will therefore decorate one another's cars in such a way

to draw maximum attention to yourself

in this Bible-bashing, redneck, deeply Christian part of the Union.

Decorate? I think what it means is, we each have to write slogans

on the other cars. So you... To get them killed? Yeah.

All right. So you do Hammond's.

You do... I'm doing yours. I'm getting you killed. Well, come on!

The South, the South. It's Christian, short hair,

they don't like communists...

What is closest to their heart? I've got to get him killed. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.

I'd be letting you down, me down, everybody down. He-he-he!

Revenge for all those height gags. Every time he's called me Hamster.

This is for every time you've been late and lost.

AS ROLF HARRIS:

Can you tell what it says yet?

RICHARD WHISTLES

James. I hate you for that. I really hate you for that.

All the times you drove into the back of my Cadillac. Yeah.

Do you know, honestly, I think we've all done a good job here,

but I do believe that the person most likely to be shot

is indeed Hammond.

Simple. I think what you've done there is killed your friend. Yeah.

Gingerly, we rejoined the open road.

Three religions down here - George Bush, God, country and western -

in that order.

Ascending order.

I'll be honest,

I have felt less conspicuous than this.

Here we are, sweet home Alabama.

IMITATES GUNFIRE

They've shot their own sign!

What are they gonna do to us?!

To understand what Jeremy's done to my car, you have to understand that this is deep Republican territory.

That woman is the arch-Democrat. She is the Antichrist.

It's not just the slogan.

It's the fact that it's painted on a pick-up,

symbol of the South.

I mean...

HORN BLARES

Ooh!

And then Jeremy has written on the boot, "NASCAR sucks".

Now, that's a type of saloon car racing

that is very big in this part of the world.

This is where the drivers come from, all the building of the cars is done,

all the supporters come from here, and to say it sucks

is a bit like going up and punching somebody's sainted mother.

No! No!

HORN BLARES

Whoa!

HORN BLARES

We'd survived the highway, but then we had to pull into a town for fuel.

Oh, this is

really terrifying.

OK!

Just, um...

That's diesel.

That's...I've gone...

< MUTTERING

"Hillary for President" - that's not going down well.

'This lady was cross, but not as cross

'as the garage's owner.'

You!

Now, are y'all gay, looking to see how long it takes to get beat up in a hick town?

I'm not gay. I'm married.

I've got three children.

Er, no, we're not. No.

We've just sort of decorated our cars in a distinctive manner.

"NASCAR sucks", "Country and western is rubbish"?!

Guess what, you're in a hick town, man!

We're gonna die now. That's it. Don't you dare! BLEEP!

'She said she was gonna get "the boys".

I'm gone!

'So we decided to scarper.'

I've just remembered, I've actually got loads of petrol.

TYRES SCREECH

And then - of all the moments...

Oi, jump leads! You're joking?!

Jump leads.

Not now!

This is gonna be the quickest jump in history.

You get the leads. I'll start it. Tell your friend

if he tears up my parking lot again...

'The rednecks arrived.'

We've just got a slight problem here.

INDISTINCT SHOUTING

This is bad!

Then they turned on the film crews!

Hey! INDISTINCT SHOUTING

Quick!

SHOUTING CONTINUES

'Rocks started pelting our vans.'

Go! Get out of here!

What's happening?

SHOUTING CONTINUES

BLEEP!

'For the next few moments, our TV programme became a radio show.'

Oh, BLEEP, there are the pick-up trucks.

Get your foot down. I think we've got a load of them on our tail.

Something's going on here, I'm telling you.

These three trucks that were in the petrol station have now just torn past us.

We need to get these slogans off, lads.

Pull over, pull over.

Get the other side.

Nothing to wipe it off with now.

'With the artwork gone, we hit the road...HARD.'

I'm doing something I never thought I'd do -

I am running for the border.

God in heaven, that was actually frightening.

They could have killed us!

They really do have an irony deficiency.

I honestly believe that in certain parts of America now,

people have started to mate with vegetables.

'And then with one problem behind

us, we ran straight into another.'

Whoa, lightning!

You think this is God punishing us?

I'm...

THUNDER

Did you hear that?!

'It was a great time to discover

that the wipers in my car were worse than useless.'

This is like something out of a horror film now.

I'm in serious trouble. I cannot see a damn thing.

'There were no exits and stopping on the hard shoulder in rain like this would have been suicidal

'so there was only one choice.'

Go right, Jeremy.

Yeah, now this is...VERY BAD!

Left a bit.

Please stop raining, please stop raining, please stop raining.

The other lane, go right.

I think I'm just gonna get out and kill myself.

Put myself out of my misery... Oh, hell's teeth!

'What with the storm and the rock-throwing rednecks,

'our fly-drive holiday wasn't going that well.

'I just wanted to get on the big British jet and go home.'

I want to be met by a homosexual in grey flannel trousers

saying, "Welcome on board,

Mr Clarkson. Can I get you a scone?"

111 miles to New Orleans.

Come on, Camaro!

# I was born in the wagon of a travelling show... #

Yes, that's it!

We're in Louisiana.

MUSIC: "Gypsys, Tramps and Thieves" by Cher

'All we had to do was get there and sell our cars.'

'And that, actually, would be quite a sad moment.'

I LOVE my Cadillac.

I mean, we've known each other, what, a few days

and we've had this fantastic adventure together all across America and it's my car now.

I know all its foibles.

It's not the biggest truck, it's not the fastest, it's not the best looking,

but it just keeps going. It's like a little Welsh pony.

I respect that.

This car really is like living in an old house.

You know to kick the back door in a certain way to make it open.

It's the same with this. I know how to keep the power steering going.

I know how to get the best out of what's left of the clutch.

I liked it as a kind of joke when

we started but now, we're like that.

# Crossing the central reservation

# Of my imagination... #

'Of course, there were certain OTHER problems with selling our cars.'

There's a very bad Cadillac weave going on on this straight stretch here.

I'll keep the worry beads to hand.

Whoa!

Relax.

We're in New Orleans and something has come off the Camaro.

The temperature gauge is off the scale.

COME ON!

'Finally though, we made it.'

'And my word, were we in for a shock.'

'We had seen on the news what Hurricane Katrina had done,

'but seeing the devastation for real was truly astonishing.'

Oh, my God!

Oh, look at that!

Well, this is extraordinary.

Every house... I've been driving now, what, 15 miles?

There isn't a pavement, there isn't a building,

there isn't anything that isn't smashed.

It's such a vast scale of destruction.

'A year had passed since Katrina had blown through

'and we sort of assumed that after 12 months, the wealthiest nation on Earth would have fixed it.

'But we were wrong.'

How can the rest of America sleep at night

knowing that this is here?

'It certainly gave us a problem.

'The original plan had been for us to sell our cars here

'and see who could get the most money.

'But in the midst of all this, that just seemed...wrong.'

'We therefore had a confab and decided we should give our cars away.

'So we called the local mission

'who put us in touch with some families who'd lost theirs in Katrina.'

It's got an alloy. It's not been messed with in any way.

It's done 150,000 miles and look, it's like new under there.

I like it. Done, it's yours.

Take the truck, it's yours.

Look after it. It's been a good friend to me.

All right, we appreciate it.

'Jeremy did his usual trick of telling it like it is.'

Rev counter - not good, speedo - not good,

fuel gauge - not good.

Dent on the roof - that was caused by a cow.

As far as driving it is concerned, the engine is brilliant.

Gearbox - tiptop.

It's a good car, it's all yours.

'So, although it hadn't been the most relaxing holiday,

'it had been a proper boy's own adventure.'

'And what's more, we could go home

knowing that we'd done a little bit

'to help those less fortunate than ourselves.

'Well, Richard and I could, but James sadly couldn't even give his car away.'

It's still here! A family came round this corner not ten minutes ago.

"Thank you, we lost everything in Katrina!" And they rejected it.

Do you want a lift to the airport in my car?

No. Me neither.

Ta-ra.

Hammond, can I borrow the jump leads? No.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Loser, loser!

Hey, I reckon if you look on Google

Earth, you'll be able to see his car

cos it'll still be there! You'll be able to see it cos it's big enough.

OK, so there's no doubt that James lost that challenge

and equally we know that I won.

How did you arrive at that?

Well, my Camaro was the fastest,

it had the best brakes,

it didn't break down - apart from the wipers - much,

so it was the best!

It wasn't quite as easy to give away as you made out in that film.

Well, there's sort of...

Why don't you tell the ladies and gentlemen what happened after the cameras had been turned off? Yeah.

Well, a lady came and she said she was a lawyer representing the Christian mission we'd gone to

and she said she'd been promised

by one of our researchers a 1991 Camaro and it was an '89

and she said that was misrepresentation and she was going to sue me.

It really did happen, it really did happen.

She then said that if I gave her

$20,000 in cash, she might be able to make the case go away.

And you won't believe what happened to us next.

No, which was that a very large pick-up turned up

full of heavily-armed burly men

and told us to get off their street. Yes.

So really we do have TWO Top Gear top tips for you tonight.

One - yes, you can buy rather than rent

and two - don't go to America!

Top Gear's back to its normal self next week,

so we'll see you then. Good night!

Subtitles by Red Bee Media Ltd 2007

E-mail subtitling@bbc.co.uk