Original subtitles

Jamie needs a change.I want to do it!

No way! We're supposed to take turns!

Mom told us Jamie swallowed one of her diamond earrings.

Whoever finds it when it comes out

gets a 20-buck reward.

Let Reese change this one.

He hasn't gotten to in a while.

Oh, man.

Somehow they never noticed

that Mom doesn't own any diamond earrings.

Smells like my ticket to Easy Street.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Every year, for the last five years,

we've spent a week in a cabin on a lake.

This year it got ruined,

and we had to come back three days early.

All I'm saying is I don't ask for much.

Once a year I want to sit on a porch, stare at a bug zapper

and make s'mores over a trash can.

The problem is the boys have gotten soft.

God forbid they should have a little interaction with nature.

ALL [screaming]: Leeches! Leeches! Leeches!

[screaming]

I blame video games.

LOIS: What's going on?

Sorry, folks, street's closed.

We live here. What is this?

You live here and you don't know?

It's the annual block party.

Annual? Every year for the last five years.

Oh, hey, Mort.

What's going on?

Oh, Hal.

You're back early.

What is all this? Why didn't we know about it?

Well, we came out this morning,

the sun was shining, people started talking.

It was a spur-of- the-moment thing.

The banner says "5th annual."

Huh.

You guys throw a block party

every year when we go away?

You know, I'm not consulted about the scheduling.

There's a whole committee that takes care of...

Oh, but I'm boring you.

Polly, yeah, we got home early.

Listen, would it be okay if we walked over

and dropped off Jamie for a couple hours?

There's a block party here, and we wanted to enjoy it.

Okay, great. Thanks.

Enjoy it?

Doesn't anyone besides me get it?

The whole neighborhood hates us.

So much that they throw a giant celebration

just because we're gone.

Malcolm, that's not news.

I'm just surprised they're so organized.

It doesn't bother you that everyone despises us?

No. These people need somebody to be mad at.

Having us to hate gives the whole neighborhood

something to bond over.

HAL: Your mother's right, son.

Communities seek out a common enemy.

If it wasn't us,

they'd all team up against someone else.

Probably a minority.

Malcolm, you can't spend your whole life worrying

about what people think about you.

They'll like you, they'll hate you,

they'll think whatever they want to think, and then you die.

Is that supposed to cheer me up?

I don't know why you need cheering up.

You are a teenage boy with a block party

right outside his door.

Now, you can stay in here and sulk if you want to,

but your father and I are gonna go have a good time.

HAL: Come on, honey.

Oh, my God, it's a lawnmower parade.

Hey, Otto.

What's this?

It's called a mount.

It is an artificial cow's hindquarters.

This will allow us

to extract precious seed from Bruno.

He cost me a fortune,

but there is gold in those schlapels.

Can't we just let him go out and mount the heifers?

No, Bruno is much too rough for my girls.

They have lived very sheltered lives.

Most of them are even embarrassed by the milking.

I'm gonna have to be the one to work this, aren't I?

It is not as bad as you think.

All you have to do is climb inside.

Bruno will mount you, offer his shwarzencaufin,

you will extract the seed.

That's a million times worse than I thought!

Oh, now, Francis.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Hmm, I wonder why you have to wear goggles.

[upbeat music plays]

[cheering]

Let's hear it for Ms. Michaelson's class!

I think I speak for all of us on Maple and Jefferson

when I say that the neighborhood gets a lot nicer

this time of year!

[cheering]

[kids laughing]

[chuckles]

[laughing]

No, no, go ahead. Keep going.

We were done anyway.

Yeah.

You know, I never really thought about us

being the most hated people in the neighborhood.

Well, Dewey, most people go through life unnoticed.

Their names are never in the paper,

they've got no laws named after them.

That's fine for most people, but I wanted more.

Hey![yell in fear]

It's not always easy.

You don't make a lot of friends being unpopular.

Someday we'll all get even with you, Reese!

Huh.

What is it?

That kid just gave me the best idea of my life.

You know, we don't do this often enough,

just walk around the neighborhood.

It's nice, isn't it?

Remind you of another fair 20 years ago?

[both chuckling]

You spent $70 to win me a three-dollar stuffed animal.

Well, they make those hoops too small on purpose.

If I hadn't played till I won,

they never would've learned their lesson.

Besides, I wasn't trying to win the stuffed animal.

I was trying to win you.

Oh, Hal.

ED: I urge you all to stay calm

and try to enjoy the fair anyway.

Otherwise, they and their awful children will have won!

Daddy, let's go!

I'm coming, honey.

Oh. Let me help you.Oh, you don't have to do that.

I don't mind. I'm glad to do it.

Well, thanks.

That was very nice of you.

Really?

Is there anything else I can do for you?

I'm just saying, kids should not be blamed

for how terrible their parents are.

I mean, if Saddam Hussein had a son...

Well, maybe that's not the best example,

but you know what I'm...

Son, I don't care what anybody says.

You're a very nice and thoughtful young man.

Thanks.

I'm really glad I met you!

WOMAN: Hey!

What are you doing?

Huh?Who was that man?

What do you mean?

Oh, my God! We've been robbed!

And you just stood there while he robbed us?

I was walking past.

He needed help.

You helped him?

He was sweating.

And you just believed him

when he said that this was his house?

No! He didn't say that...

exactly. I mean, it was implied.

I have a lot on my mind.

Oh, you are from that family

in that house, aren't you?

Yes, but I'm not like them!

Do you even realize what you've done?

What were you thinking?

[crying]: I just wanted somebody to like me.

[crying]

[man imitates songbird]

[man imitates owl hooting]

[cheering]

Thank you, Jim.

Now, coming up in just a few minutes

we have our fifth annual kielbasa eating contest,

sponsored by Stavis Brothers,

the kielbasa that makes you go "Mmm!"

A kielbasa eating contest?

I remember a certain pigtailed girl

who could pack away a dozen king-sized.

That was a long time ago, Hal.

Oh, come on, Lois.

A woman reaches her gastronomic peak

at about just your age.

I'll sign up with you.

Unless... you're afraid I'll beat you.

Hal, you're good at a lot of things,

but this is kielbasa.

Let's go.

It's either a lizard or a baby alligator.

It's been in our cesspool for a month.

I think he lives on poo.

Where is it?

Hello, everyone.

[all gasping]

Don't worry, if I wanted to beat you up,

you'd all be hanging by your underpants by now.

I've gathered you here to make you an offer.

What kind of offer, Reese?

I'm glad you asked, Dewey.

It's no secret that I've tortured

all of you over the years.

Some of you have scars

on the outside.

Some of you are damaged

in places we can't see.

[squeaky whimper]

Each one of you wants revenge.

And you know what?

You're entitled to it.

Gee, Reese, revenge sounds great.

But how could we accomplish that?

Another good question, Dewey.

For 20 bucks,

I'll let each one of you

beat the hell out of me for 30 seconds.

[murmuring]

Boy, Reese, this is tempting.

But how do we know you won't let us hit you today,

but then get even with us tomorrow?

That's the beauty part.

I'll be tied up and blindfolded

the whole time you're beating me.

Wow.

The line will form at the garage in one hour.

I'm not gonna tell you how to get the money.

Your mothers all have purses.

Except for you, Freddy.

Your mother wears a travel belt.

Ah.

Is everything good to go?

I think so.

How do you plan to work her?

What do you mean, "work her"?

Well, you know,

you will sit there,

waiting for Bruno to become fersploten

and enter the artificial hoonincootz.

And then maybe you rock the hips a little bit.

Maybe you tease him with the tail.

Gosh.

I hope this is sturdy enough

to take his weight.

You know, he weighs 4,000 pounds.

And when his passion is aroused,

he may come down

with crushing force![loud banging]

I want a raise.

Yeah.

All right.

[sobbing]

Would you try and calm down, please?

[crying]: It's not just the neighborhood.

It's the whole world.

And the way people

treat each other.

I mean, why does it have to be like this?

There's just so much hate.

What about pulling Reese's hair?

No, his head will be covered.

Look, you're thinking too hard.

Just let your hatred tell your body what to do.

How are we doing?

So far 23 kids have signed up.

We've taken in $460!

Oh, my God!

Just remember, we've gotta save 20 bucks

for the cab ride to the hospital.

I'm gonna get the crap kicked out of me for money.

This is the greatest nation on Earth.

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood

as we begin our fifth annual

Stavis Brothers kielbasa eating contest.

I try to line them up like one continuous dog.

It's the space between kielbasas that tells your body it's full.

With us this year

we have our old friends, Louie...

Gerry...

Jackson...

Lois and Hal...

[no applause]

...and last year's champion,

Big Tony.

[cheering]

And eaters-- take your marks.

[dings]

[crying]

Are you going to be okay?

He's going to be fine now.

[dramatic sobbing]

Hey!

I'm in a hurry.

I'm getting a beating in 15 minutes.

What do you want for all of this?

What?

I'll take every piece of candy

that you've got.

Get out of the way!

Let me get you a bag for that.

I don't need a bag.

But I would like

to hear you sing.

Well, ladies and gentlemen,

we've lost Gerry and Jackson.

Louie's put away six.

But he has a long way to go

to catch up with Hal and Big Tony,

who've eaten nine apiece.

Oh, just a minute.

Lois has eaten nine, too.

You're magnificent.

And we just lost Louie.

Looks like it's down to three.

Unbelievable.What is it?

Hal and Lois are matching Big Tony dog for dog.

ED: Oh, wait a minute.

Is this the end of the road for Lois?

Hmm? No, I just want more sauerkraut.

[cheering]

[sniffling]

Listen, kid, could you please just go home?

Is there a problem here?

It's all right, officer. We can handle it.

There was a robbery, and I helped.

We're not pressing charges.

We'd just like to forget about the whole thing.

You still have to come down to the station

and fill out some forms.

You know, looking through the house,

I don't think he got much.

Just a bunch of junk from the garage.

Yeah. It's pretty hard even to say what was taken.

I can tell you.

I have a photographic memory.

I can picture everything I put in the car.

How would it be if we just phoned you later?

There were nine boxes-- 14 by 12 by 21.

A computer

and two high-definition color printers.

A signature machine, an embossing machine,

two bottles

of solvent-based ink eradicator.

Three reams of linen-textured

cotton paper with fluorescent security fibers,

which you could use to counterfeit money,

but for that you wouldn't need an embossing machine,

unless you were going to forge stock certificates.

Oh, my God, you're criminals!

[Richard and Dottie chuckling nervously]

And you know what the saddest part is?

I used to care what you thought about me.

Actually,

I still do care a little.

[crowd chanting]: Go! Go! Go! Go!

ED: Ladies and gentlemen, this is astonishing.

Last year's record is shattered.

I can feel it.

I know there's a two-and- a-half-inch empty pocket

next to my right kidney. Whoo.

[crowd chanting]: Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

[sympathetic groans]

Oh, my God, Big Tony's down for the count!

Well, it's down

to Hal and Lois now!

[cheering]

You are going down, honey.

We'll see, dear.

All right, you all know the rules.

You each get 30 seconds.

Absolutely no weapons of any kind.

All right, let me go see if he's ready.

Reese, it's time to start.

Here's our first secret, anonymous customer.

[whispering]: It's Bobby Marcovitch.

[grunting]

Not so hard!

Don't hurt my brother!

[grunting]

Okay, you, your time is up.

Hey!

Reese, what are you doing up there?

Who's this?

Some kid I found on the street.

I don't know his name.

Chad.Chad.

Sorry, man.

How could you hit me like that?

You're my brother.

And my partner.

And you didn't pay!

[gears whirring]

[all gasping]

BOBBY: Let's get him!

[yelling]

No, wait, wait!

You guys are cheating!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

♪ Chances are

♪ 'Cause I wear a silly grin

♪ The moment you come into view ♪

♪ Chances are you'll think that I'm in love with you ♪

♪ In the magical...

It's been two hours.

This isn't happening.

[turns off music]

Send him out to graze.

Hey, look at this.

It says we're supposed to smear on cow pheromones.

They're supposed to make him crazy.

No wonder he isn't into it.

Did you see a bottle of pheromones?

♪ The chances are your chances are ♪

♪ Awfully good

[galloping hoofbeats]

ED: It's been quite a day

in competitive sausage eating.

I think both Hal and Lois

are approaching the 21 mark.

[cheering]

It's an amazing spectacle.

Two great competitors

pushing each other to greater and greater heights.

What's going on?

Oh, my God!

They're cheering for my family.

I mean, it's for a totally lame and ridiculous reason,

but they're cheering.

This is unprecedented.

There's only one

kielbasa left, and it's on Hal's plate.

The title is his if he can finish it.

[crowd chanting]: Hal! Hal! Hal! Hal!

[crowd gasping]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd chanting]: Lois! Lois! Lois! Lois!

[crowd gasping]

[crowd cheering]

[crowd groans sympathetically]

You know,

you think you've imagined every possible ending...

[sobbing]

How could we have been so wrong about them?

They're good, good people.

Do you feel strange not hating Hal and Lois anymore?

My God, I love living here.

It's a great neighborhood. Yeah.

I'm sorry I wasn't able to help with that noise

Friday night.

Did that music ever stop?

Wait. You're the one

who called the police on my party?

You had a party and you didn't invite me?

Oh, don't do that.

Why are you such a big baby?

Don't you call him a baby.

At least I don't have to ask him

to mow his lawn every two weeks.

Well, from what I hear,

he's been mowing your lawn, if you get what...

Don't you talk to her like that!

Hey, hey, hey...The hell with you!

The hell with you!

[everybody yelling]

Honey, there's no line

for the giant slide.

Oh, that's okay, dear.

I'm just going to lie down here on the pavement.

Okay.[groaning]

Well, I guess Mom was right.

We were serving a purpose

in the neighborhood all these years.

DEWEY: Hey, Reese, want to help me

fill up the moon bounce with this?

Nah. I'm going to go put dogs on the Ferris wheel.