Original subtitles

Hal, you've been out here for six hours.

That's all you're throwing away?

No. This is my "maybe" pile.

Look, I want to able to fit the van in the garage.

That's the whole point of having a garage!

You don't realize how complicated this is.

Hal. Lois, I promise you.

The van will fit in the garage!

I think you owe me an apology.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Francis is home visiting with his wife, Piama.

It's been so nice around here since they came.

Good dinner, Mom.

Please. It's completely overcooked.

You must really be hurting for some decent cooking.

See? Mom's so busy being mean to Piama,

she doesn't even notice us.

We've been getting away with murder.

[phone rings]

Hello?

Uh, hi, Claire.

[whispering]: It's my sister! Oh, God.

I'm gonna hang up on her.

No, Hal. Find out what she wants.

So what's up?

Uh-huh.

Family reunion this weekend for my Dad's birthday.

I'm sorry, Claire, but I'm having foot surgery,

so we'll have to pass.

No, Hal, it's been too long already, we should go.

But you know what, my foot feels fine now.

So, I'm going to cancel that surgery

and we'll see you Saturday.Wait a minute.

They're inviting us only two days before

we have to be there? Forget it, Hal.

They don't want us there.

But you can never be too careful with feet.

Which is exactly why we should go.

What am I thinking?

I've already had foot surgery.

Okay, so we'll see you Saturday.

So what's Grandpa like?

He's okay, but the rest of Dad's family

treat Mom like crap; they're jerks.

Rich jerks, and Grandpa's the richest of them all.

And he loves kids; just say and do

what I tell you, and we'll be set for life.

You're nuts.Look, it's too late for you and me,

but Dewey's still young and adorable.

Although we do have a narrow window to work with.

In a year, you're gonna look like a freak.

Sorry it's so cramped, Piama.

This van really isn't designed to carry seven people.

Oh. I guess I was thrown off by the seven seats

and the seven seat belts.

Uh, Francis, how's that ranch job treating you?

Oh, great. Never a dull moment.

In fact, last week I got to castrate a bull calf.

What does castrate mean?

Ask your mother.

You know, I have always wanted to know

how to castrate a bull calf.

Tell me about it.

Well, it's fascinating stuff.

We use this tool called a burdizzo--

it looks like a giant pair of pliers--

and the calf has to be restrained

so that it doesn't kick...

...so once you cut off their blood supply,

they shrivel up and are replaced by fat tissue.

What a great story, Francis.

It really made the last hour and a half fly by.

[sighs]

Here come the clones.

Hal, be nice.

Hey, there's my kid brother!

Hi, Claire. Hello, Tom.

Hal, that shirt looks fabulous on you.

Honey, isn't he looking handsome?

[whistles]

He certainly is.

[coldly]: Lois.

[car horn plays tune]

Hey!

Who's this? Your cousin Pete.

Pete-O!

What's this?

Your dad's birthday present; we all chipped in.

We? We're going to chip in, too.

Oh, don't worry, we'll put your name on the card.

Eh, come on.

Let's get you inside.

You must be worn out from that drive.

Actually, it wasn't so bad.

Nonsense. Look at those sweat stains on Lois.

Wow.

It figures this is the side of the family we never see.

Meanwhile, the grandma who goes shopping in her bra

visits five times a year.

We can leave right now.

Just get in the car and drive.

Sandusky Caverns is just 40 minutes from here.

Hal, relax. We can do this.

I can't help it.

I work myself into knots

whenever I have to face the grand patriarch.

Hi, Dad!

Hal, you made it!

Anybody help an old man out of the pool?

I got you, Grandpa.

Aah, right.

[relatives cheer and applaud]

Hey, hey, hey, whoa, whoa.

What do you think that guy's for?

His name is Francis.

If you kill him, you don't get another one.

[kids clamoring]

[Francis screaming]

Welcome one and all!

Hey.

[laughing]

Lois.

Dewey!

Goodness, you've grown!

I bet you don't even remember me.

Yes, I do.

You thang to me when I wath thweeping.

You remember that?!

Why, that's adorable!

So good to see you, Dad.

I have to admit, I was a little nervous about coming back here

after so much time had gone by.

I was expecting...

Expecting car trouble?

Because it looks like you packed a spare tire!

[cackling]

Ah, Malcolm!

I understand they finally figured out you're a genius.

What's your favorite subject in school?

I don't know. History.

History, is it?

What do you think about the Civil War?

I guess it's kind of interesting.

Ooh. Have I got something to show you!

There you two are!LOIS: Hi, Amelia.

This reunion is going to be the death of me.

Feeding this many people every day.

Keeping track of all the kids.

I swear I had to run the croquet tournament on Thursday

all by myself.

Tomorrow we've got a pancake breakfast,

a family photo at 3:00, a birthday dinner at 5:00

and gifts at 6:00, all with no one to take charge but me.

This is what General Schwarzkopf

must have felt like during Desert Storm!

Lois, no one else is wearing a name tag.

Hal, it's fine.

Hey, untie his hands and give him his pants back!

You're the only grandkid I've let in here.

These are my most precious possessions.

Cool.

Oh, never mind that stuff.

You don't want to waste your time with a bunch of guns.

Take a look at this quartermasters' ledger books.

This is where the war was really won.

Take a look at this.

Notice anything?

Oh, yeah. The numbers don't add up here. Ah.

What?

In that column.

The numbers add up to 1,286

but the total at the bottom says 1,179.

I was just hoping you'd notice how the S's look like F's

but this is incredible.

I think this quartermaster was skimming rifles.

This is the kind of thing that gets your name

in the Civil War Quarterly.

Good job, Malcolm!

[grunting]: Let's see what else this guy was up to!

[grunts]

I would never be massaged by a woman.

I mean, you need that strength.

When my body's in need,

I want a man to really get in there.

FRANCIS: Okay, just one more lap.

[laughter]

[Francis grunting]

Boy, those kids have really taken a shine to Francis.

He's not ready for kids, Piama; don't rush him.

More cake, Lois?

Oh, no, thank you.

Ah, don't be shy.

I saw the way you scarfed down your first piece.

Oh, I'm sorry, you're probably on a diet, aren't you?

Dad?

Have you seen the cookies?

We have to talk.

It's about Lois.

Ever since we got here,

the family's taken every opportunity to...

[snickers]

Dad, don't do the face.

What face?

No, you know the face!

Don't do that, I'm serious.

[goofy voice]: Oh. Can I do the voice?

[cracking up]

Dad, I'm not kidding.

[goofy voice]: Then why are you laughing?

Dad!

Nothing funny heeere.

No, sireeeeee!

[humming]

[laughing hysterically]

[still laughing]

[mutters]

[mutters]

Okay, you want a story, here's a story.

It's called "The Kids Who Couldn't Play By Themselves."

We did some good work today.

Tomorrow, we'll hit Grandpa

with the "Good Ship Lollipop" number right after breakfast.

I want to swim in the pool.

You can swim in the pool when we own the pool.

Nice angle you're working with Grandpa, Malcolm.

I have to admit, you're getting a lot of face time

but when he croaks, all he's gonna leave you

is that stupid Civil War crap.

Reese...You can have it, but I want it

out of the house.

Back off Grandpa. He's ours.

What?

We've been working this guy for three years,

and we're not about to let you waltz in here

and snake him out from under us.

What are you saying?

It's a big house; accidents happen.

...and then the little boy, about your age,

was found hanging in the moonlight,

strangled by his own intestines.

And there was just enough life left in him to say...

"You're next!!"

[all screaming]

[screaming continues]

[kids screaming]

Come out!

He was lying; it was just a story.

[muttering softly]

All I want is two seconds of honest, human conversation

with my own father.

I mean, what is so awful about me

that he has to distance himself with jokes and silly faces?

Hal, you're not going to make any progress

if you keep personalizing other people's problems.

We've talked about this.You just don't get it.

How could you? You don't have any father issues.

I'm blessed.

There's got to be some way to break this cycle.

Some way to make my dad let his guard down

and engage me on an emotional level...

Are you even listening?

Sorry.

Oh!

Hal, the answer to this is simple.

You just have to look at your life;

look at what you've accomplished.

You havea good relationship with your sons.

They can talk to you about anything.

You have a wife and home and family

a lot of people would envy.

You're past this.

You think?

Yes, I do.

Hal, you're all grown up.

[gasps]

Uh-oh.

What?

I...

I wet the bed.

Oh, that tears it, Lois.

You know I've been telling myself that everything's okay,

but my bladder knew different.

I am not leaving here until I've had this out with my dad.

Hal, are you sure you want to do this?

Lois, he just sits by

while everyone treats you like a dog,

when they're not treating you like a servant.

It's not that bad.Did you notice last night

when you gave Helen your chair

and she flipped the cushion over before she sat down?

No.

Why are we staring at a mall, Grandpa?

This is a battlefield, Private,

and I'm not your Grandpa.

I'm Captain Atticus P. Featherton,

commander of the Company "A" cavalry.

It's 1864.

Cannonballs are flying overhead.

The nostrils curl with the smell of burning flesh.

Can I get a yogurt?

You're ravaged by dysentery, you don't want a yogurt.

WOMAN: Edith, where are my keys?

They're supposed to be in the key thingy.

I can't trust you with anything.

Now, there's Confederate sharpshooters

on that ridge over there.

We have to sit very still while we wait for our orders

or they'll pick us off one by one.

But... Very still, Private.

More still than that!

Isn't this great?

[chuckles]

I asked for these to be ironed.

What is wrong with you people?

Nice touch with the backwards "E."

You've got a real gift for this butt kissing stuff.

We are so in.

What do you mean "we"?

Ma, you got to let us hide in here; these kids...

What's wrong?

Oh, I forgot to pack my good shoes.

I can't believe it. What am I supposed to do?

All I've got are my sneakers.

I'm supposed to take them off and run around barefoot

like a hillbilly in front of these people?

Mom, it's just shoes. Relax.

Oh, Francis, it's not just shoes.

You have no idea what it's like

trying to please someone else's family

and always coming up short.

And would it kill you to dress up a little

for a family picture?

Oh, hey, Hal.

You know, that Malcolm of yours

doesn't handle the heat very well.

Dad, we need to talk. This is serious.

Then I better put on my serious face.

No, Dad, no faces.

Unless we deal with this,

you and I will never have a meaningful relationship.

Our relationship is fine.

No, it's not fine.

There's a big piece missing.

Oh, sure we laugh,

we-we have fun, but that's all we do.

We just skim along the surface

without talking about anything important.

Do you understand?

Let's ask Mr. Tickles.

[laughing]

Remember, Mr. Tickles?

[cackling]

No, Dad, I mean it!

[goofy voice]: Well, Mr. Tickles means it, too.

[cackling]

We used to do this all the time when you were a kid.

You loved Mr. Tickles.

Ooh, it's almost picture time.

[laughs]

Hey, this was fun, Hal.

I'm glad you're feeling better.

[frustrated scream]: Oh!

That's not where we keep the liquor.

I'm not looking for liquor.

I'm looking for shoes.

For some reason, I forgot to pack my good shoes

and now I have nothing to wear with this dress

that I rushed out to buy so I would look nice for this family

that thinks I can't

do anything right.

You know what?

I have some extra shoes in the back of our car.

I bet they might fit you.

Really?

It's the black Jaguar parked out by the gate.

It's unlocked.

Thank you. Really.

Don't you guys want to be with your parents?

My socks are itchy.

Malcolm, I hear your sock itchiness

and I'm glad you're telling me about it.

You boys should know that I am here for you

anytime you want to talk about anything.

After we get this picture taken,

I'm going to spend some time with each of you

because I am involved and into everything

that's going on with this family.

Where's your mother?

LOIS: Amelia?

There aren't any shoes in your car.

Are you sure...?

PHOTOGRAPHER: Okay, everybody, big smiles.

Cheese on three. One, two...

three.

Cheese!

Okay, let me get one more real quick.

Excellent.

Thank you, everybody.

[applause]

You weren't in the photo, Lois?

[sighs]

Well, I guess we can try to take another one.

You know, if we can regather everybody.

And if we can get the photographer back.

And talk to the caterers

to see if they can hold off on dinner.

Lois, where were you?

[door slams]

Honey?

Honey?

Honey... [sighs]

God.

[plastic crunches]

[crying]

Hey, is Lois going to help with the salad?

Oh, God. More drama from that woman.

What are you going to do?

We don't know. We never know.

Hal...

what are you doing?

Taking a stand for my dignity.

You've driven me to this, Dad.

My wife is upstairs crying

because of the way this family treats her

and it's got to stop.

[goofy voice]: Uh-oh.

Someone's a Gloomy Gus.

You never face up to any real problems, do you?

You just think if you make enough jokes, they'll all go away.

Don't you see that through my entire life,

you've avoided dealing with me

whenever I was going through a tough time?

Really, this is beyond the pale.

You never helped me when my girlfriend dumped me...[laughs]

when my dog died... Hey.

when my best friend moved away...

when I got beaten up at school...

when I spent a whole summer crying

and I didn't know why!

[laughing]: Hal, stop it!

And you haven't helped me while my family has been

habitually tormenting my wife

to the point where I've had to avoid both them and you!

[laughing]

I haven't had a father for the past 15 years

because you won't deal with anything!

[laughter subsiding]

Okay, that's off my chest.

I hope you heard it.

I love you, Dad.

I'll go get you a towel.

One of the old ones, please.

All right, everybody ready?

I was born ready.

[horn blows]

[whistles]

[screaming]

[screams]

The cake!

The cake! The cart!

[screaming]

We had to get out of there pretty fast for our own safety.

It was unbelievable. We drove three blocks

before Aunt Claire let go of the door handle.

I am so very disappointed in all of you.

I don't care what those people did,

that was no way for you to behave.

Right, Hal?

Yeah, you boys are on notice.

If you everdrive a golf cart over a catered dinner

and into a swimming pool again,

there will be consequences. Dire consequences.

I guess we just kissed off a six-figure trust fund.

I told Grandpa you tied me to the golf cart.

What?!

He still likes you.

Nice, we're back in the game.

Yeah.

Oh, Piama.

Is that too much air on you?

No.