Original subtitles

In order to break free of the earth's atmosphere,

a rocket ship must attain speeds

of upwards of 25,000 miles per hour.

Bull. If they went that fast,

they would just be squashed in the back of their seats.

They wouldn't float around.

You're confusing acceleration with velocity.

You feel it when you first start going faster,

but once you're up to speed, you don't even notice.

I mean, right now we're on a planet

that's spinning at a thousand miles per hour,

and that's just rotational velocity.

We're also traveling around the sun at almost 67,000

miles per hour, and then

the whole solar system is hurtling through the galaxy,

which is hurtling away from all the other galaxies

because the universe is expanding.

Whee!

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

(rattling)

Did you hear that?

Firing retro-jets, Captain.

Hal, I think somebody's trying

to break into our house.

I'll do it in the morning.

(scraping)

What was that?

Oh, my God! Hal!

I'll get 'em, Lois.

(clang) REESE: Got him!

(thrashing)

(panting)

What would have happened

if Reese didn't knock him out?

He would have seen our TV and stereo

and known he'd made a terrible mistake.

Now let go of my arm.

He came through the window

right in front of us.

I-I can't explain it.

It was like, it was like we were paralyzed,

and then my son Reese came in,

swinging this bat.

He saved us all.

Yeah, it's a good thing

Reese got to him before I did.

And where were you, sir?

I was in bed.

Actually, trapped in bed.

You see, my wife insists on tucking in the corners--

I mean, really tucking them in.

I saw his head in the moonlight.

It looked like a big, fat pitch

sitting over the plate.

If only there were more kids like you,

our streets would be a lot safer.

Thanks.

You look familiar.

Did you ever participate in our ride-along program?

Sort of.

It's like being in a straitjacket.

You twist and you twist

and you just can't shake the damn sheets loose.

Well, the most important thing is, we caught the guy.

You know what? Why don't I show you?

Follow me to the bedroom and I'll tuck you in. You'll...

Sir! You don't tuck in police officers.

Craig! I got your lunch!

Sorry I'm late.

Picked up your burgers and I had to drive a half an hour

across town to get your chicken from Nugget World.

I thought you said you wanted to help me lead a normal life.

Did you get the extra mayo?

Yes.

From which place?

When are you getting the nurse?

Well, gee, Lois, it's just that I've been so busy

with, you know, having my arms and legs broken

when your kids' dog chased me out into traffic.

Plus, I can't sleep knowing the mental trauma

my cat suffers staying at Mother's.

Then there's all the forehead sticks

I went through learning to go to the bathroom.

Craig, the insurance company gave you money for a nurse.

Ah, Lois, poor, sweet, money-wasting Lois.

I've got something better.

Oliver!

Oh, my God, is that a monkey?

It's a helper monkey.

They're highly trained and they donate them free

to the permanently disabled.

You're not permanently disabled.

For the next six weeks, he thinks I am.

Craig, I am not taking care

of you and a wild animal.

Lois, it's not a wild animal.

It's a capuchin monkey.

They're nature's butlers.

I got a good one, too.

His brother worked for Stephen Hawking.

My God, when was the last time this thing was cleaned?

(shrieking)

This is the worst job in the world.

Why do we put up with this?

I don't know about you, but I'm still paying off law school.

Okay, everybody!

Clear out. You're all fired.

What? Camp's closing.

They cut down the last tree today.

Anyone want to take a picture with it?

A mining company bought the land.

You got to be out of here by the end of today.

We're just out like that without notice?

This is the circle of life up here.

First they cut down the trees.

Then the mining company strips the land.

Then, with any luck at all, they turn whatever's left

into a nuclear waste dump.

It's the only way we're going to wean ourselves

from our unhealthy dependence on foreign oil.

Well, I guess I'm going to have to move

back in with my parents.

And then, after the awards ceremony

they gave me a tour of the police station.

Did you know that the mirrors

in the interrogation room are two-way?

It's a good thing they didn't have that before.

"For heroism and meritorious action."

Reese, I'm so proud of you.

Okay, Dewey, are you finally

going to be able to go to sleep now?

You saw all the policemen and how strong the bars are.

Yeah, but...

And you saw that the police station

is much too big for a helicopter to carry it away

to a secret hideout under the sea.

But... No buts, Dewey.

That guy is in a jail cell.

He's not going anywhere.

REESE: I wouldn't bet on it.

With our legal system

he's probably back on the streets right now.

(gasps) Dewey.

Mom, Dad,

this whole thing's got me thinking.

I mean, usually those cops

are throwing me in the back of their squad cars,

but today they were all clapping for me.

Well, you're a real hero.

And it was really cool, you know, protecting you guys,

saving your lives.

Thanks again.

And it's made me realize

for the first time in my life,

I know what my purpose is.

I think I've found my calling.

Mom, Dad...

I want to be a pig.

MALCOLM: Go to sleep.

I'm still scared.

Read me a story. Please.

I've already read you every book in this place.

Please.

"Aardvark. A burrowing mammal of Southern Africa."

"Myocardium. The muscle tissue of the heart."

(screaming)

It's all right. It's all right.

It was just me turning off the light.

Where are you?!

(crashing)

(muttering)

Sorry.

Go back to sleep.

"Commingle."

It turns out it was all a simple misunderstanding.

(chuckles)

It's Larry who should have gotten the spin-off show,

not the Ropers, huh, Oliver?

(chuckles)

Oh, Lois, you're not drinking your tea.

Oliver, Lois takes sugar in her tea.

One lump.

I usually like to thank him when he does something right.

Um, thank you, Oliver.

Isn't he amazing?

He makes the bed, he does dishes.

He even changes his own diaper.

Oliver, temple massage.

Oh...

This is about as good as it gets.

Lois, you want some of this?

I have to go.

Oh, you're like a furry little geisha.

(imitating explosion)

Hey, what's going on here?

We're just playing.

It's getting a little loud.

This is a nice neighborhood.

Let's keep it that way.

Stay in school.

Hey, you kids! Wear your helmets!

That's not safe!

Who the hell are you?

Ouch! Ow!

See? You should be more careful.

Play safe. Be smart.

Did you get the job?

No. It was a stupid idea anyway,

auditioning for a cruise ship.

And what kind of a piano player

doesn't know the music to Cabaret?

Honey, this is useless.

We have to go someplace where there's work!

We're not leaving our home.

Something will come up.

(knocking)

We're not here. What?

Piama! I know you're in there!

Hey, what's the problem?

Look, I'm sorry.

We served your eviction notice 30 days ago.

You have to leave.

Eviction? What are you talking about?

Why didn't you tell me?

Because it's not happening.

Hey, the tribal council made a deal with the mining company.

You're getting a settlement.

Part of a settlement.

Only one-fifteenth of your property's on tribal land.

Forget it!

We'll just live in the other part of the house.

You can't do that.

This whole area's been designated

as an arsenic containment basin.

Nobody's stealing my property.

Let's just all cool down.

Uh, you may actually not want to touch her.

Don't tell me how to do my job.

All right, missy,

let's get one thing straight.

(ATM beeping)

What time is it?

Oh, damn!

It's too dark to see my Rolex.

No matter.

I'll just take out the maximum amount,

and everything will be fine.

Yeah, that ought to do it.

Now, where did I park my Bentley?

Damn my inability to see in the dark.

Hey!

Can I help you with something?

Your money's hanging out of your pocket.

You might want to tuck it back in.

This is a bad neighborhood.

Thank you.

(metallic clattering)

Ooh, that lasagna smells good.

Took you long enough, though.

What, did you have to fly to Italy to get it?

Never mind.

Let's, uh, let's dig in.

Oh! Oh!

Hot, hot, hot.

Let-Let's just let it cool down a little bit.

(yelping)

(coughing)

Oh! Hot! Tongue!

Blisters! Please, God, no! Water!

Water. Good monkey.

Closer. Closer.

Aah! Hot!

Hot! Hot! Hot! Hot!

(whispering): You're out.

I was safe.

Out. Safe.

Looks like someone smashed up

your trash cans pretty good.

Maybe if you brought them in on time,

this kind of thing wouldn't happen.

Oliver!

Is my milkshake ready?

It was supposed to be ready an hour ago!

If it's warm, you can go ahead and drink it

'cause I won't.

All right, I will.

Where is it?

Oliver?

You know what, I've changed my mind.

I'm not in the mood for a milkshake anymore.

(chittering)

Well, since you did go to all that trouble.

Mmm, good.

Well, I've been awake for a week straight.

First 96 hours were tough,

but I really think I'm starting to get my second wind.

Who needs sleep anyway?

Just a waste of time.

They say that Thomas Edison-- he only got, like...

Well, he didn't...

What was I talking about?

Never mind.

Craig, I can't stay long.

I got your mail.

Geez, it's boiling in here.

Really? I hadn't noticed anything.

I was just

spending a pleasant afternoon at home

here with Oliver.

Lois, that monkey is out to get me.

What? He tried to poison me

and now he's trying to cook me alive.

He is an evil little monkey.

Craig, you're asking an animal with a brain the size

of a piece of gum to run your household.

Stop being paranoid.

I am not being paranoid.

I've seen him staring

at me when I'm pretending to be asleep.

He's been chewing on my brake cables.

You have got to get me out of here.

You are not staying with me.

Craig...

that monkey is not...

(laughing hysterically)

Lois, you tell such amusing stories. Shh.

You are getting a real nurse tomorrow.

MAN: Just a quart of milk?

WOMAN: That's it.

(tires squeal)

(horn honks)

What are you doing?

I was waiting for that spot!

Oh, you got a problem with me, pal?

Oh, bring it on.

Well, you want it? You got it.

I'll kick your ass.

You think I'm afraid of you?

I am not afraid!

No one's tucked in now!

Just give me 30 seconds.

I'll beat you like I was your daddy.

I am going to pound your head

out through your butt, and then

I'm going to make you kiss it.

I am very sorry, sir.

Oh, yeah, yeah, you're going to be sorry.

Hey, hey, where are you going?

What, are you going to run away, little girl?

Why don't you come out here

and fight like a man?

Hey, Mom, what are you doing?

Unloading the groceries.

You're, uh, a little far on the sidewalk, aren't you?

Who cares? Grab a bag.

You have to leave the sidewalk free for pedestrians.

Stop stalling and help unload.

Are you walking away from me?

Excuse me?

You can't leave your car here.

I will leave my car wherever I want to leave my car.

Well, I'd hate to see

anything happen to your car.

Just bring in the bags, Reese.

(bang)

(sirens blaring)

Officer in need of assistance!

Repeat: Officer in need of assistance!

(snoring)

(soft footsteps)

(snoring fast)

(whimpers)

(groans)

(line rings)

WOMAN (on phone): 911 emergency.

(whispering): This is Craig Feldspar.

You've got to help me.

My monkey butler is trying to kill me.

I don't know how much time I have...

That lawyer was a total idiot.

Are you kidding?

A $50 fine was a great deal.

It probably costs

ten times that amount to wire that deputy's jaw shut.

He totally deserved what happened.

This is not helping us.

Look, here's the settlement check from the tribe.

We can use it to pay your fine.

I'm not taking a settlement

and I'm not paying the fine.

I'm getting a real lawyer

and taking this to trial.

That would take four or five months.

There is a bulldozer in the yard

and it is going to flatten this house

whether we're in it or not!

I'm not scared of a bulldozer.

You know what? The bulldozer doesn't care

if you're scared or not.

It will still crush you.

We have to get out of here.

I can't.

Why are you so scared to leave?

I don't know.

Francis, I've been on this reservation

my whole life.

I don't know anything else.

I'm just a hick.

I'm not like you.

I can't just pick up

and start a new life whenever I need to.

I'm not as brave as you, okay?

Brave?

I'm not brave. I just didn't know any better.

What?

If I had had any idea of how horrible it was up here,

I never would have come.

And I never would have met you.

I'm not brave, I'm just stupid and lucky.

And you're with me now,

so my stupid luck will take care of you.

Hopefully, one-fifteenth of a share will pay off our fine

and maybe buy us a bus ticket.

Oh, my God.

What?

Oh, my God.

That's more than I made all last year.

See, this is what I'm talking about.

HAL: Craig, you in there?

Craig? What happened?

Behind you.

(gasps)

What the hell's wrong with that monkey?

He's crazy.

Well, he picked the wrong guy to mess with.

(screams)

CRAIG: Oh, no!

God, please, no!

Hang on, Craig.

No, leave me. Save yourself.

I am not going

to leave you here, buddy.

(grunting)

You'll be safe here.

(falsetto groan)

Not my Romulans.

(monkey squeals)

(groans)

Oh!

Oof!

(chattering)

I always pictured an ending like this.

(monkey squealing)

Take that, you damn, dirty helper monkey!

So, where do you want to go?

I don't care.

All I know is we've got $2,000 left

and a car pointed south.

(yawns)

Read it to me again, Dad.

(chuckles)

Okay, son.

"Local man subdues monkey.

"A disabled man was saved by a local hero

when he was..."

Oh...

I can't believe it.

Dewey's finally fallen asleep.

I'm only 11 hours away from the world record.

So, at least some good will come of...

"Experts say the capuchin monkey can weigh up to nine pounds.

'He's a real hero,' said victim Craig Feldspar, age 36."

"A real hero."