Original subtitles

DEWEY: Well, I agree, Mrs. Wiggins.

These pastries are delightful.

Hey, son. What you doing?

I'm having a tea party with Mrs. Bear and the ladies.

Ah, that's... good.

Would you care to join us?

Yeah, I have

actually a-a... Hey, you know what?

Why don't we go buy that Stealth Bomber model

you've been asking for, huh?

Okay.

Okay.

Sometimes it's just too easy.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

Hey, you guys want to camp out

in front of PC World tonight?

The new Norton Antivirus comes out tomorrow.

Your mom would let you?

She's holding my place right now.

Are you serious? What's the big deal?

Sorry, Malcolm, but we have a life outside this place.

How we doing, gentlemen?

Everybody sticking to the experiment?

Absolutely. Right on track, sir.

I know how tempting it is

to stray from a rigidly defined protocol.

It's the siren's song of pure research,

but you must resist her seductive powers because...

ALL: "Unstable compounds require stable minds."

Jackass.

It's like he's talking to children.

It was a perfectly legitimate variation.

There was less than a 48% chance this would happen.

Well, your cavalier disregard

for the laws of the classroom--

not to mention the laws of nature--

have led to the inevitable.

It will now take weeks

to decontaminate that classroom.

And during that time, you will all be placed

back into the general population.

(students gasp)

We can't do that.

The whole school hates us.

They'll destroy us without realizing

their rage is a projection of their own insecurities.

And as for me, I've been offered a temporary position

in the Phys Ed department

where I will get to wear a whistle

and dress in shorts.

Of course, I'm sure none of this will be reflected

in your end-of-year grades.

Dewey, don't play connect the dots with your chicken pox.

You'll get an infection.

I'm bored! I know, sweetie.

It's no fun being sick.

I'm bored! I'm itchy!

I'm bored!

Honey, remember we were going to use our not-horrible voice?

I'm bored!

Well, then find something to do.

Here.

Play with these.

I don't want to.

Dewey, you are going to be contagious

for the next six days.

Do you want to spend them here like a good little boy

or in the hospital?

You don't go to the hospital for chick...

Okay.

Damn it!

Maybe we could tack up a blanket.

No, that's it. I'm going to tear the whole porch down

and I'm going to build another one.

Good luck getting permission from the Tribal Council.

What? This part of the house is on tribal land,

from the window all the way to the wolf picture.

What are you talking about?

The whole house used to be on the reservation,

but my idiot grandfather built it on a glacier.

It's been moving two inches a year ever since.

In a hundred years, we'll have a nice view of the lake.

Wow! So, part of this house

is on an Indian reservation?

Dealer has 20.

Look at them.

All they're thinking about is

how many different places they'll dispose of my body.

Hey, Ian, Eddie!

How you doing?

What are you doing?

There's no more seats.

There's a seat over there.

Scoot over.

Go sit down.

You're going to get in trouble.

Hey.

Hey.

'Sup?

'Sup?

God, it's so great to have a normal conversation.

Abandon all hope, ye who enter here.

Is that from the new Ministry album?

What?

"Abandon All Hope."

Is that from the new Ministry album?

Actually, it's from Dante's Inferno.

It's the inscription over the Gates of Hell.

That is way dark.

BOY: You should kick that guy's butt.

Remember when I kicked his butt?

No, he kicked your butt.

(laughter)

You want me to kick your butt?

Ah! Damn! Splinter!

You are dead! You are dead!

(groans)

Don't pick! It'll get infected.

What?

You're making it worse. Let me get it out for you.

You carry a first-aid kit with you?

Just a crisis pouch.

I leave the kit in my locker.

There.

Wow, that didn't hurt at all.

Thanks.

HAL: Hey, Dewey.

Wow! Look at that!

Is this helping take your mind off the itching?

It was.

Wow, you got a split, and you got a crossover.

(chuckles)

All those dominoes.

All set up.

Just ready to...

Hey, check out Alicia.

En fuego.

Totally.

Yeah, she's cute.

Ah, check out Pam.

Muy en fuego.

Totally.

Yeah, she's cute, too.

Excuse me.

DABNEY: And then...

and it went like "Boing!"

And then...

I could download some of this...

(hip-hop song playing)

Hey, Stevie.

So, it looks like everyone found a place.

Parasites...

adapting... to a new... host body.

Except Herkabe, I guess.

BOY: This sucks.

We just heard the cleanup crew's going

to put their dumpster where we skate.

Where are we supposed to go?

Why do they always have to pick on us?

It's not like we destroyed a classroom.

Damn... Krelboynes.

I'll think... of something.

IAN: Hey, Malcolm.

Can you settle this?

You know Stacy?

Yeah.

Is she en fuego or muy en fuego?

Hard to say.

My God!

Dewey, look what you've built here!

You have stairs and a ramp!

You've spelled your name.

Oh, so many, many dominoes.

Where did they all come from?

Mom got them from the Lippers.

They got a whole crate the year Mr. Lipper was paralyzed.

They even buried him with one of his dominoes.

So this isn't really a complete set.

Oh, no, Dewey. Don't scratch.

But it's itchy. I know.

But sometimes you just have to restrain yourself,

even if you feel like ripping your eyes out of their sockets

rather than go one more second without...

scratching.

Will you watch this for me?

I have to go to the bathroom.

Okay, son.

(gasps)

LOIS: Reese!

Don't even think about it!

What's going on?

He was about to knock down Dewey's dominoes.

What?! Shame on you!

I didn't do anything.

And you're not going to. Ow!

Those dominoes are keeping Dewey from driving me crazy,

and if they get knocked over, I will blame you.

If a door slams shut and knocks them over,

I will blame you.

If there is an earthquake, I will blame you.

If a condor dies in flight and crashes through our roof

and knocks them over, I will blame you.

But that's not fair.

I will blame you!

Don't even think about it.

What? I saw that look.

What look? My look.

Now I know where I got it from.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

I'm going to get a drink.

Let's go.

I can get it myself.

It's all right.

Man, I can't believe the school gave

the Skaters our basketball court.

Crazy.

"Skater Safety Program"?

Sounds suspicious.

So what do we do?

We kick their butts.

Yeah.

Guys, guys! There's an easier way.

We'll take over the East Court.

No, that's where the Goths hang out and smoke.

Why don't you let me worry about the Goths.

They can't take away our court.

That's where I secondhand smoke!

Some old lady who lives next door to the school

complained we were scaring her.

No, you weren't.

Look at this handwriting.

The loops, the girlish swirls.

This is no old lady.

It's Dabney.

Well, where are we supposed to go now?

What about the Posers' corner?

You be trippin' if you think you're gonna stop us.

You better bust a move 'cause this is our turf now!

But we're in the middle of

a very important Student Council meeting.

That ain't no thang!

The thang is 200 years of oppression in this country!

What are you talking about?

It's off the hook!

Justice in the '02!

You haven't heard the last of this.

Sucka!

Um, Kevin?

You're supposed to wear underwear with those.

BOY: Get out of here.

Get out of here, man.

(students clamoring)

HERKABE: Don't make me blow this!

Do not make me blow this!

(blowing air)

Who removed my whistle pea?!

That is a detentionable offense!

(gasps)

It's awfully tempting, isn't it, Hal?

Go ahead.

I'll blame it on Reese.

You'll get off scot-free.

All right, pencils down!

Turn in your geometry tests.

But I didn't study!

(gasps)

(sighs)

(gasps)

Turn around, old man.

There's nothing for you here.

I can't take this anymore.

If I hear one more "en fuego..."

(ball pops)

(school bell ringing)

And six on top for the dealer.

Whoops.

Redeal.

Hey! I had blackjack.

You're cheating me out of my winnings.

Come on, relax.

I don't want any trouble.

It's all in the tribe, right?

Let's just calm down.

I don't want to hear it.

This is the same kind of thing your old man used to pull.

He was nothing but a lying

drunken jackass.

Tell me something I don't know.

Look, this was just a little misunderstanding.

There, you got your chips back.

See?

We take care of our own here.

Francis, maybe you shouldn't...

Don't worry. I'll turn the fan back on once Ivan leaves.

LOIS: Dewey?

I just spoke with the doctor.

He says you can go back to school tomorrow.

Okay.

Tomorrow?

So... so the dominoes...

Go back in the crate tonight.

Let me make this easy for you.

I'm not leaving this house until I know you're at work.

And I can wait all day.

All I've got is school.

Hey, Malcolm.

Look, I'm sorry.

I can't listen to you guys talk about who's totally hot,

who's en fuego.

That stuff used to sound fine to me, but now it's just stupid.

You guys are stupid.

I don't mean that

in an insulting way.

I mean that in a factual way.

You want to say "hot" in a different language?

There are 700 different languages.

Vary it a little.

We just came to tell you that there's

a fight going down at the schoolyard.

Between who? Everybody.

Oh, man!

Hey, come on, dealer, let's go!

And that's, uh, seven for the dealer.

Piama.

Where have you been? Shopping.

You were supposed to relieve me.

Do you have any idea what time it is?

Now I do.

Where did you get the money for all that stuff?

I took 200 bucks from the stash.

But that's all our money. We can't afford that.

Well, you know, it's all in the tribe.

Ha!

(gasps)

Wha... Wha...

What happened to the dominoes?

I cleaned them up.

You knocked them over without me?

Why would I knock them over?

I spent four days setting them up.

What's going on?

Why did you spend all of that money?

Hey,

you were the one talking about

easing the suffering of our people.

Well, I suffered a little less today.

You don't just go and spend a bunch of money

and not say anything.

What's the problem?

It's all in the tribe, right?

That's what this is about?

What, am I overstepping my bounds because I'm white?

No, but it's...

it feels weird.

Look, we're married.

That means I'm a part of your family and culture

just like you're a part of mine.

Believe me, if I had anything in my heritage

besides crappy minivans and non-stop screaming,

I'd share it with you.

It's not the same!

Oh, so because I'm not your people,

I don't deserve any of that money?

Why are you so obsessed about the money?!

Because

I want to pay off Lavernia

so we can finally get out of here.

What do you mean get out of here? We live here.

What?

You want to spend the rest of your life

in this godforsaken place?

This godforsaken place is where I grew up.

It's our home.

If you had a problem with living here,

you should have said something.

I have been complaining about this place

since you've known me.

I thought you were just a complainer.

You complain about everything!

Yeah, but this is real.

I hate this place.

I can't even imagine raising our kids here.

Kids?!

I hate kids!

These seem like some pretty big issues.

Yeah.

You know, we got married so fast...

So what are we going to do?

And we both like wrestling movies.

Yeah.

And we both like pizza.

I love pizza.

Sausage and mushroom?

Yeah.

On half.

(grunting)

We wait till the Jocks take out the Goths,

and then we swoop in.

I've made an alliance with the Drama Club.

They've got swords.

And when the Skaters see me drop my cape,

they'll come in on the flank.

No one will expect us to be working together.

Are you sure this is a good idea?

It's too late for second thoughts.

The tribes have Balkanized.

(sighs)

They don't like each other.

Oh.

We don't stop until we have total control.

Deploy special shield!

KIDS (chanting): We're just right, we're okay.

We're smarter now than yesterday.

School is hard, but school is fun.

'Cause learning is for everyone!

They got Darren. He bites.

No!

Stop!

This has gone too far!

Look what you've been reduced to.

BOY: I'm helping!

We all used to hate this school equally.

We hated the teachers.

We hated the administration.

We hated the building.

But now you've taken that perfectly good hate

and turned it against each other.

And why?

Because people dress differently

or talk differently?

You're just making school even worse.

Dabney was a Krelboyne

two weeks ago, and now he's a Jock.

That proves that these differences are meaningless.

We need to focus on what makes us the same,

because if we hate each other, who's going to hate school?

You were a Krelboyne?

Ha! You've got a Krelboyne.

You guys got a Krelboyne right behind you.

He's the one who wanted to fight in the first place.

BOY: Hey, we got one, too!

GIRL: I found one!

(students murmuring)

He's our leader!

If it's any consolation,

we get our new classroom in five weeks.

(students sobbing)

Thanks for the heads up on the underwear.

No problem.

What is with the self-pity?

Albert Einstein had to carry spare pants until he was 24.

And did he cry about it? No.

He drew on that experience

and helped build the first nuclear bomb.

Now, buck up

and get in the van.

Oh, video camera.

Oh...