Original subtitles

What...?

(grunts): Those kids!

Not my Frampton Comes Alive.

(groans)

(Hal grunting)

Ha-oh...!

"Honest, Dad, we didn't even know you had a watch."

(blowing)

(shaking sieve)

Thank God they paved the driveway last year.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

LOIS: Jury Duty?

They want me to do jury duty?

I can't believe this.

You can't do it.

You simply can't do it.

Spring break is coming up.

The boys are going to be out of school.

I can't be expected to handle them by myself.

I'm sorry, you're just going to have to tell them no!

That's not one of the options, Hal.

What are they thinking

forcing someone to sit on a jury?

This is America!

I don't have a choice.

Oh... yes, you do.

You want to get out of jury duty?

You just let me handle this.

ALL: We, the jury, promise to faithfully uphold...

This is going to be great.

I've never been ice fishing before.

It combines my two favorite things in life:

ice and holes.

Just a bunch of guys roughing it.

A true test of courage and determination.

Man against the elements.

No crust on mine, please and thank you.

I hope you guys packed

enough toilet paper for fo people.

(cheering) You're kidding me.

How'd you get Piama to give you permission?

I don't need my wife's permission.

I baited her into a fight,

and she kicked me out for a couple days.

(laughing)

Oh, my God, Dewey.

You're not going to believe what just happened.

Where were you?

We were supposed to go exploring in the sewer!

I waited two hours for you! Dewey,

you're not listening. This is incredible.

But you promised!

You said that when spring break started you would take me.

I did all your chores, I did all your homework,

I took your antibiotics for you, I put...

Dewey, just shut up.

We're trying to tell you something important.

We just saw Stevie's mom naked.

And she's a total babe.

It was amazing.

We were over at Stevie's

getting stuff for the sewer

when all of a sudden, we hear something behind us.

We turn around and there she was.

In the hallway. Naked!

Buck-naked-- except for her shower cap.

It was crazy. First she was screaming,

then Stevie was screaming, then I was screaming...

Yeah, why'd I do that?

And then she tore the curtains off the wall to cover up.

But you could still see right through the curtains.

I'm so glad they just remodeled.

That is not a good reason!

Mom walks around here naked all the time!

She was naked this morning. She was naked in the...

Dewey... if you just combined those two things in my head

I will kill you!

No, we're good.

So, anyway, she was crawling down the hall...

Hal, I've got to get going.

Where are the boys?

They went to the library.

I know, I know.

But if they were doing something

really dangerous, they'd have come up

with a better lie.

So...

deliberations start today.

Nervous? Nice try, Hal.

You know I can't talk about the trial.

(chuckling): Okay. Okay.

So, is the councilman as tall as he seems to be on TV?

Hal... I knew it!

Your eyebrow went up. It did not.

It's the panty bandit, isn't it?

This isn't right, Lois.

We're married.

We tell each other everything.

We've never kept secrets from each other

in our entire relationship.

What are you talking about?

I keep secrets from you all the time.

Oh, fine, go!

Don't want to keep you from your big secret trial.

Thank you very much.

(chuckling)

For what?

Oh, nothing. Nothing at all.

You didn't say a word.

(chuckling)

This sucks.

We've been here 15 hours.

We haven't caught a single fish.

How much longer is this going to take?

You never know.

I've been ice fishing my entire life.

Never even seen a fish.

I'm with Francis.

I got bored on the drive down here.

Can we at least talk about something?

About what? I don't know.

We could use this opportunity

to get to know each other a little better.

You know, one time I walked in on my two dads making love.

Guilty.

Not guilty.

And... guilty.

That's seven guilty and five not guilty.

So, I guess the point of contention for those of you

who don't think that Marty did steal the motorcycle...

Look, if it'll get us out of here earlier,

I don't mind changing my vote. What?

I don't feel that strongly either way.

Yeah, me, too.

Which side was winning again?

This is not a question of winning.

And I don't think we should be voting

whichever way gets us out of here the fasted.

Well, we have to have some basis for deciding.

There was a trial. And evidence.

And laws. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Let's just vote one more time

before we, you know get into all that detail.

We might just get lucky.

Do the five people who voted not guilty

want to change their votes?

Me. Guilty. Whatever.

There you go. It's unanimous.

Wait. Wait!

What do you think you're doing?!

You can't send a 17-year-old kid to jail

just because you want to go home early.

For God's sake, we took an oath!

Lady, did you vote guilty?

Yes, because...

Then there's no problem.

We're all just agreeing with you.

Let's go.

Fine.

Then I vote not guilty.

This is cool.

There's no alligators down here, right?

No, that's just made up.

But if there were, it'd probably be blind.

Or albino. Or transparent!

But that's not real.

This is so cool.

He hasn't shut up all morning.

I mean, I was just as excited the first time Francis took us.

It's actually kind of cute.

Did you get the snake?

Right here.

They'll be able to hear him screaming in Russia.

Dude, finish your story.

Oh, right. So, then, we noticed

she was standing there... buck-naked.

And then I went like this... (gasps)

And then Malcolm was like this... (gasps)

It was incredible.

The sun was coming through

the window behind her.

It looked like she was glowing.

A naked, glowing angel.

Hey, Stevie, back me up on this.

That's what she looked like, right?

Can we go now? I get the lead.

No, rear.

No, wait, front.

I'll scout ahead.

What? You're talking about his mom.

Change the subject.

Show some class.

Oh, okay, I get it.

Whoo, Stevie, is that you or the sewer?

ARTIE: It turns out it wasn't

a boil they removed

but the vestiges of my unborn twin.

Okay, let's just go.

Yeah. That sounds good. Good idea.

Best idea I've heard all day.

Okay, here's something interesting.

There's a gigantic bear out there.

Don't worry about it.

There are grizzlies all over.

Just part of living in Alaska.

How far away is it?

(metal clattering, bear snarling)

(whimpering)

Well... answer the question.

(doorbell rings)

Uh, it's open.

"The body was found..."

I thought we were having lunch today.

What? Oh, I'm sorry.

I... What's all this?

Uh, just some research I'm doing

on the trial Lois got assigned to.

My God. The Reyes case?

Did she say anything about the four-fingered magician?

Was he any good?

She won't tell me anything.

I had to dig all this stuff up on my own.

Half the information is being suppressed from the jury.

Now Lois will have to find Monahan guilty.

Why wouldn't she? He did it.

Oh, you're a fool.

Everyone knows that the wife killed him.

What are you talking about?

She loved him.

Didn't you read the letter?

If she was so innocent,

how come she didn't admit to being married before?

Because she was underage

and it was annulled a week later.

It means absolutely nothing.

The judge already ruled that inadmissible.

This is the same judge

that wouldn't allow the cabdriver to testify!

Well... if the wife did it,

why did four witnesses say they saw a man leave the crime scene?

Oh. You mean a man...

like this.

You just drew hair on!

And if I could do it, she could do it.

Did you know that she spent two years working

at the Windmill Dinner Theater?

Let me see that.

Okay, here's our mark.

When we came down here with Francis,

this is the farthest we've ever gone.

DEWEY: This is it?

This is as far as you went?

Who would brag about this? (splashing)

(gasps): Mr. Alligator?

So, Stevie, did your mom go to college?

What? You know.

Did she get a degree or something?

I'll bet she was in a sorority.

Wait a minute. Unless we thought some girl

named Molly Hatchet ruled, this isn't our mark.

No, this has to be it.

We went right, right, straight, left, right, left,

straight, and right again.

No. We went right, left, left,

then straight, left, right, straight.

No, we went... right... left...

straight...

Oh, man, we're lost!

What?! No!

Oh, man, what are we going to do?

Nice. We'll get him crying and then pants him.

No, we really are lost.

What? What are we going to do?!

I knew it. I knew you were going to find

some way to ruin this for me.

Even when you're trying

to be nice, you make me miserable.

And now, I get to die in the sewer.

A perfect end

to a crappy life!

Shut up, Dewey. All right.

Let's just focus on finding a way out of here.

Stevie's mom must be worried about him.

Shut up... about... my mom!

What? I simply made a comment.

You're... a perv.

I can't help it

if I have a healthy interest in the opposite sex.

Well... they don't... return... the favor.

What does that mean?

Girls... hate you.

That's not true.

Yes, it is.

Come on, Reese, you're a joke.

Yeah, even I know it.

So, Marty claims he was at work,

but his boss says he didn't show up until 6:00.

Now, we've got the attendant at the gas station

who puts Marty's whereabouts there between 4:00 and 4:30.

And as we all remember from the testimony...

Can we vote again?

What's the use?

We've been through this five times.

We vote guilty, she votes not guilty.

We vote not guilty, she votes guilty.

Yeah. So, you go first this time.

All right. I abstain.

What is it that you want, lady?

I want you to do your job.

I want you to weigh the facts

of this case and make a reasoned decision.

You have got the sworn testimony of the arresting police officer

in which he clearly states... Yeah,

if you believe what he says.

Okay. That's fair enough.

It is a question of credibility.

On one hand you have

a 17-year-old high school dropout

with a history of reckless behavior.

And on the other,

you have a 20-year veteran of the police force.

Well, you sure as hell can't trust the cops.

They're always coming up with ways to get you.

WOMAN: That's right.

My neighbor's a cop and he's got

a 30-foot boat in his front yard.

Now, how can he afford a 30-foot boat

on a policeman's salary?

Cops are always getting away with stuff like that.

(all agreeing) And start now, I'll tell ya, when I was a kid...

Stop.

This is not about how you feel about cops.

This is not about who you like and who you hate.

This is about what you believe happened

based on the facts of the trial.

Did Marty, or did Marty not, in fact, steal the motorcycle?!

Wait... I thought

Marty was the cop. WOMAN: Yeah.

MAN: Yeah, that's what I thought.

Fine. Let's go through this again.

Yes?

Is it okay to hate you?

Absolutely.

But the money was really being funneled

to Mr. Reyes' mistress and their love child.

Once Monahan found out, it was "Good night, Mr. Reyes."

You've got nothing.

There were witnesses who saw him argue with the victim.

He can't account for his whereabouts

when the murder occurred

and they found the murder weapon in his car.

Means, motive and opportunity.

It's all a little too neat.

Because he's guilty.

My gut says the partner didn't do it.

Just saying so doesn't make it so.

Talk to this guy.

You're an idiot.

Oh, my God, that thing's a monster.

Calm down, I've been around bears for 40 years.

There's nothing to worry about.

Really? Yup.

All we've got to do is stay real quiet.

Pretty soon he'll get bored and fly away.

That is unless he's protecting his eggs.

This is crazy.

We can't stay here.

Somebody's got to make a run for the truck

and go get help.

That's a suicide mission.

The bear will run down anyone that goes out there.

Well, what are we supposed to do?

We can't stay here and starve to death.

He's right.

I say we try it.

I vote for Eric.

What?! Go to hell.

I'm not going out there.

You go out there.

Hey, I have a wife at home to take care of.

Oh, and my life doesn't mean anything?

How about Artie?

He's the camp outcast.

Big deal.

Pete's just a toothless old coot.

It's a miracle he's lived this long.

I should have slit your throat when I had the chance.

(arguing)

This all looks...

the same.

Yes, this is the same.

It's all been exactly the same

ever since the day I was born.

I start to trust them.

They make me regret it.

I get my hopes up

and then they destroy them.

Shut up. We get it.

Every girlfriend you ever had left you crying like a baby.

What?

Oh, who's Mr. Big Shot, now?

I'm a joke with the girls, huh?

Well, what's worse--

being a joke, or being a crybaby?

I wasn't crying that hard.

You wet...

your pants.

Oh, like you've ever even been with a girl.

I have...

a note...

from my doctor.

I could get a doctor if I wanted to.

That doesn't even make sense.

DEWEY: That's right.

Turn on each other.

Well, you know what?

No girls like

any of you.

And I don't blame them.

You're all pathetic.

You know who's a joke?

Girls. Yeah.

Why do we even like them?

They make our lives miserable.

You can never understand what they want.

They're always saying, "Stop staring at me."

And they don't laugh at farts.

They only want to talk about clothes.

They cry...

all the time.

Yeah, this is helping us get out.

(heavy breathing approaching)

Time! Time! Time!

Eleven minutes.

Ha!

In your face!

See, the wife did have time to run down here from home.

That leaves her two minutes to stab him, remove the head

and still make it to the party in time.

It all makes sense.

Oh, and the blood just magically jumped

from the wife's clothes to Monahan.

Do you really need this spelled out for you?

After killing her husband,

she ran back, took off the bloody suit

and rubbed it all over the unconscious Monahan.

Impossible.

You just don't want to be proven wrong.

I am not wrong.

The knife entered at a downward angle.

She was 5'2"; he was 6'4".

She'd have had to ask him to pick her up

so she could stab him.

She could have stood on something.

Oh, so she brought a stepladder with her to the alley.

Look, right here is a milk crate.

She could have hidden behind the Dumpster,

stood on the milk crate, pulled out the knife

and stabbed him several times

with a downward motion like this.

(woman screaming)

(screams)

(woman continues screaming)

I may be fat, stupid,

colorblind and dyslexic

but at least I don't have three nipples.

You shut your trap. That's a mole.

And you.

Your family changed their name

so you couldn't track them down.

No one will miss you.

I'm pretty sure it started with an "O."

All three of you are useless, pea-brained idiots.

And for your information,

I do suffer more than everybody else.

This is ridiculous.

Let's just vote on it.

Who votes for Francis?

Who votes for Eric?

Artie?

Pete?

Four votes, the hut has spoken.

No, you tricked me.

No, no...

He'll reject me.

I've tried me.

I taste awful.

(Pete cackling)

All right,

that's the worst thing any of us has ever done.

I'm not proud of it,

but I really don't think we had a choice.

Like I care about your opinion on anything.

Wait a minute.

Why don't we hear eating?

(engine starts)

He got to the truck.

Pete! Pete! Pete!

PETE (cackling): See you back-stabbing sons of bitches in hell!

So the witness saw Marty gassing up the motorcycle

a half an hour after the owner said it went missing.

But doesn't that gas station close at 5:00?

Not on Fridays.

She pointed that out in the transcript.

Uh, I think we're ready for another vote.

Lois?

Go ahead.

By a show of hands, who thinks the defendant is guilty?

Great.

Let's go tell the judge.

Wait.

I don't think Marty is guilty.

What?

I went through all these papers

and it says the kid sings in a church choir.

I just don't feel a churchgoing boy

would do something like this.

That is not fact. That's bias.

You are basing a decision on feelings that have nothing to do

with facts.

Facts are things.

Like witnesses seeing Marty steal the bike.

Like Marty being apprehended while he was

driving the stolen bike.

Like Marty pulling

tons of stupid stunts just like this one.

Those are the facts.

I just don't want to send that poor boy to jail.

Oh, believe me, jail is going to do a lot more good

than three years of military school ever did.

Military school?

I didn't read anything about military school.

Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I know I saw that somewhere.

I don't think so.

Didn't he drop out of vocational school?

That's right, after he transferred from the private school

where he got caught messing around with the teacher's aide.

I-I... You don't understand.

I know for a fact that Francis went...

Who?

Oh, my God.

I think I have to excuse myself from this jury.

All in favor.

I'm trying to be the best me I can be.

But I don't know what to say to girls

so I just say something mean.

I guess I'm afraid of getting hurt

so I hurt them first.

I think my problem is

I get so frustrated over the things I can't control.

I forget that they're people

with their own will and their own needs.

I play...

mind games.

It's all...

I have.

Why isn't there ever a flash flood when you need one?

I really want a girlfriend.

I want someone to hang out with.

That's what I really want.

Yeah, someone you can talk to.

Someone...

to hug.

Someone to show my poetry to.

You write...

poetry?

I dabble.

What to you guys think about Brenda Pawlak?

She's really nice.

I think she'd be good for you.

You'd make...

a cute couple.

I thought so, too.

Hey, I know this sounds weird,

but can I read you something I wrote?

We'd love it.

(screaming)

(screaming continues)

Hey.

(laughing)

Hey.

What happened?

Did you read them your poetry?

You guys couldn't even do this right.

I really want to serve on another jury.

I know, I messed up this time,

but the next time I will do it right.

I'm not responsible for scheduling that.

I'm sure you have connections.

Please, I just need another chance.

Seems there was some kind of mistrial earlier.

Now everything's backed up.

You're going to have to wait.

I'll do the best I can

if you promise to stop bothering me right now.

Deal.

I got to go.

My husband's probably going crazy without me.