Original subtitles

[grunting]

[grunting]

[garbage disposal grinding][screams]

[grinding continues]

[disposal shuts off]

[sighs]

[grunting]

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

[door opening]REESE: This is stupid.

We didn't do anything.

MALCOLM: What do we need a psychiatrist for?

I don't want to hear it.

We need professional help.

Hello.

Hi, thanks for squeezing us in.

Why do we all have to be here?

He's the one that's afraid of being

attacked by a shark in the shower!

At least he doesn't walk in his sleep

and pee on the TV!

At-at-at-at-at!

My wife told you about the car?

Yes, the joyriding incident.

$700 worth of damage!

Look, we are at our wit's end with these boys.

I am authorizing you to do whatever it takes.

Drugs, brainwashing, electroshock...

Maybe I'll start with talking to them.

You're the expert.

You do whatever the doctor says.

You better be cured when I get back.

Well, looks like we have some work to do, don't we?

Take a seat.

So, let's go over the ground rules.

This is a safe zone.

What that means is when one of you talks,

everybody listens

and listening does not include interrupting, name-calling,

or passing judgment on what was just said.

That way everybody can say what they want

and feel okay about it.

Can I have a piece of candy?

No.

This is ridiculous.

We didn't take their car out.

We were watching TV all night.

We were being good.

I mean, I had some stuff scheduled for later, but...

There was a lot of damage done to that car.

Somebody else must have

driven it, 'cause it wasn't us.

Okay, let's back up.

Let's talk about the home.

It's a dump. There's a leak in the roof

right over my bed.

No, no, I mean I'd like to know about your family life.

Look, don't analyze us.

You can poke and prod and delve all you want,

but you're not going to find any psychological issues, okay?

We're normal!

[drill whirring]

DEWEY [chanting]: I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

I hate my brothers...

[yelling]

Stop it right now! I mean it!

When are you going to be done?

Soon as I can, honey.

I said stop it!

I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

I hate my brothers.

I only like me.

[drill whirring]

Five Across: "My Mother the... blank."

What'd you do?

What?

Don't give me that. What'd you do?

Nothing.

Mom, I'm trying to study.

Oh.

Then I'm sure you don't mind if I, uh...

took a look in here!

Mom, I'm telling you,

we didn't do anything.

Oh, you boys are up to something.

I can smell it.

If you've broken another window

it is going to come out of your...

Are you done?

You want to frisk me?

You just consider yourselves lucky.

This time.

That was close.

Our only problem is

our parents think we're lying and we're not.

Hey, a breakthrough.

You're obviously a very bright young man.

Would you like to spend the rest of the hour

telling me how bright you are?

Okay, let's talk about your parents.

Now, if you had to describe them in a few words,

how would you do that?

I don't know.

Mom is... Mom.

Everybody up!

[screaming]

I have to do laundry before work!

[groans]

I am taking breakfast off the table in five minutes!

And Dad's...

What is Dad?

Who wants to make five bucks?

How?I need someone to take the fall.

LOIS: Oh, my God.

What did you do?

I can't tell you.

Yes or no, no questions asked.

LOIS: Oh, my God!!

Make it ten.

Done.

LOIS: Oh, my God!

You're a good son.

I got him, honey!

I got him, don't worry!

And you have another brother, Francis?

Yeah. Did they tell you what they did to him?

It's a classic firstborn scenario.

A free and easy couple suddenly has a kid

and their whole world's turned upside down,

and even after there's other kids,

the oldest one becomes a symbol

for everything that's wrong in their lives

through no fault of his own.

Dad, I know what you're going to say,

and believe me, I totally agree with you.

There is no excuse for what I did.

It was idiotic, immature, totally reckless

and I'm really sorry.

I'm just... I'm hoping against hope

that you will give me another chance, which I admit

I don't deserve,

but if you could just find it in your heart to forgive me,

I know I could earn your trust back.

[popping, hissing]

They had it out for him from the start.

Boy, you guys really have a lot of issues with your parents.

Do you ever discuss any of this with them?

You never tell your parents your feelings?

We try. Two weeks ago,

I put some newspapers in the blender and set it on fire.

That was totally a cry for help.

I mean talk, with words.

You know, talk about the subject at hand?

You know, a lot of families do that around the dinner table.

That can be a really good environment

for sharing your feelings.

Great pancakes, Dad.

Oh, thanks.

Hey, who's ready for seconds?

[hacking]

I am.

Here are the house rules:

You can't reach for seconds

until you're finished with your firsts

but as soon as anybody's fork

leaves the perimeter of their plate,

all bets are off.

[metal clanging]

It's mine!

And then there's a big explosion

and lots of bubbles.

That's where babies come from.

[laughter]

Oh, well, you know, close enough.

Look at this.

I made a pea angel.

Oh, you're a pea angel.

Stop playing with your food.

[laughter]

Oh, Mom...

Don't you dare.

Relax. I wasn't really going to.

Then don't.

I wasn't going to.

Then don't.

Well, don't accuse me of something

that I wasn't going to do!

Interesting mood shift.

It would take hours to explain the psychology behind this

so let me just put it this way:

Dynamite.

Kid with matches.

You're going to throw that at Mom?

I wasn't going to!

Geez Louise-- Reese...

Hal, I can handle this.

Reese, I'm warning you.

I wasn't going to, but if you think I would

then maybe I should.

Oh, good, now he's panicking.

Just put the spoon down and apologize.

Okay, she gave him an out.

Apologize for what?

I wasn't going to do anything!

Just stop talking!

Just stop talking and let me think!

Dad, do something.

I got it.

What do you think you're doing?

I'm being cute and spontaneous?

[laughing]

[laughter]

Don't do it.

I wasn't going to!

Who cares if they don't believe me about the car?

I've gotten this far in my life

without anyone giving me any credit

so why should I expect anything different now?

Yeah, the guy who leaves thumbtacks

on the toilet seat is so misunderstood.

Please remember the ground rules: there's no...

You're the one who taught me my name in French was "latrine."

Don't interrupt.You're the one

who sold my bike for three bucks

to Billy Watson the day he moved to Canada!

We don't...I'm the one who spit in Dewey's cereal this morning.

I mean...

I drank that milk!

I licked the bowl!

I hate you!

Oh, shut up, pit stain.

Leave him alone. You started it.

Shut up! Shut up!You shut up!

Stop it!

This is not how therapy works.

You are going to respect each other

and damn it, you are going to respect me.

You're going to behave

and we are going to continue with this session!

Understood?

[grunting]

Stop it!

This is a safe zone!Get off me.

[Dewey screaming]

A safe zone!

Stupid...[Reese screaming]

Here is what you boys need to know.

You cannot break me.

I've worked in prisons.

I had a 17-year-old serial killer hugging my knees

and crying like a little girl.

Those aren't Fisher-Price diplomas on the wall.

I went to Harvard.

I had a starring role in The Mikado!

[low]: My arms are tired.

Don't give him the satisfaction, Dewey.

This is nothing.

Mom makes us do this out in the rain.

Okay, you can relax.

[sighs]

All right, let's try this.

If you could pick one thing,

about the way your parents treat you

what would you change?

The biggest problem is that they don't trust us.

They just assume that if they leave us alone

for two seconds, we'll get in trouble.

Nine days past expiration.

Ugh.

Expired two months ago.

You don't have the guts.

[coughs]

When was the last Christmas we had eggnog?

I think before Dewey.

[air hissing]

It's all you, man.

[coughs]

Bottom of the ninth...

two outs... man on first.

The windup...

...the pitch...

Uh-oh.

Oh, man, we're so dead.

That's it, game over.

Yeah.

So I win. What?

Past the lamp is a home run.

Two men scored.

That was a foul ball.

Are you crazy?

It went right down the line.

It was foul. Shut up!

You're home plate, you don't get a vote.

Do over. Fine by me.

Oh, crap!

Now we really have to quit.

Yeah. But that was a triple.

Get back up there.

Let me ask you...

how do you see yourselves?

Reese, what do you think your role in the family is?

I guess I'm the bad boy.

The one that ruins everything.

Every family has that guy.

The one that makes you cry,

makes you hate coming home at the end of the day

just knowing I'm going to be there.

It's a lot of work, but... I guess it's pretty satisfying.

What are you looking at, monkey boy?

Ow!

Ow! Ow!

Reese! What are you doing?

Help! Ow! Help!

Mom!

Help! Ow! Ow!Come on, cut it out, cut it out.

Help! It hurts! Ow!

Knock it off, you little... LOIS: Reese!

What the heck are you doing?

Honest to God, you can't leave that kid alone for five minutes

without picking on him!I didn't do anything though.

Go!He's lying.

LOIS: Whatcha looking at?

Reese's report card.

It is much better than last time.

Really? Yeah.

This time he used the exact same brand of pen as the teacher

to change his grade.

Look at that.

He gave himself a C in math instead of an A+.

Yeah, subtle. Nice attention to detail.

He's really learning.

Two months grounded?

Three months, scrubbing toilets.

And how do you see your place in this family?

Well, I'm the favorite.

You know, the one everybody loves the most.

The cute one.

The one everybody looks out for and gives presents to.

And sometimes they even make the birds sing to me

or the clouds spell out my name.

[grunts]

Come on!

You said I could play.

You have to go down there again.

No.

Come on, you're the only one that'll fit.

No, I always go get it

and you never let me play.

We'll let you play.

We promise.

[grunting]

[grunts]

Come on! Throw it here.

You promised.

No way.

[sighs]

What? Can't sleep?

No, I have this terrible feeling

we've forgotten something.

Trash, locks, lights...

Oh, well.

Whatever it is, I'm sure it can wait till morning.

Oh, boy.

[snoring]

All right, son.

Son, I think you've learned your lesson.

Okay.

Thanks, Dad.

We've got to stop doing this.

Hup!

[Dewey yelling]

[grunts]

[crash, popping]

I try not to throw it in their faces,

but sometimes, you know,

I just can't help it.

What about you, Malcolm?

What's your place in the family?

I don't know, I'm the middle one.

Well, really think about it.

How do you fit in with this family?

Well... I...

Go ahead.

Well, I guess I...

don't.

I don't fit in.

I mean, honestly,

sometimes I feel like

I've just been dropped into this family

from outer space.

Well, that's interesting. Now, how...

Well, he's the one that fixes everything.

What? Yeah, you know,

he's the one that figures everything out

and solves a lot of our problems.

Yeah, kind of like that gay kid with the scarf on Scooby-Doo.

The leader.

You guys think that?

Well, sure they do.

I mean, it's pretty obvious

that you're the ring leader.

What?

It happens all the time.

An intelligent, sensitive kid with poor impulse control.

I mean, you're surrounded by people

who don't challenge you mentally.

So you start to get bored and you start looking for trouble.

No, I don't.

Isn't that what happened the other night?

You're sitting on the couch with your brothers,

nothing to do but watch TV,

thinking the only way to end the crushing boredom

is to stir up a little excitement?

He didn't do it.None of us did.

You know, there's a lot of options for a boy like you.

I mean, there's placement programs, camps,

special schools...

Wait. You want to send me away?

You can't do that.He's our brother.

Calm down. I merely sug... I'm not going.

REESE: You can't make him do this.

We're good kids.

[alarm buzzing]

[alarm stops]

[gasps loudly]

Oh!

Oh! [hawks]

[screams]

Hal?

I'm late for work.

Aah!

Don't do this.

You can't leave me alone with Reese.

I'm sorry, but we're out of time.

What is the deal with this door?

Is there some kind of baffling built into it?

You have three very special boys here.

I'd like to sit down with you and your wife so that we can...

Dad, do you know

what this idiot wants to do?!

Malcolm, let me talk to the doctor, huh?

Maybe we ought to speak privately.

Sure. Boys, [whistles], go wait in the car.

[loud crashing]

MAN: Where'd that come from?

MAN 2: Hey, everyone all right?

What?!

That's my car!

I know I set the brake.

See?

Just like the other night.

We didn't take it out.

It just rolled out by itself.

Then you boys were actually telling us...

the truth?

You're a genius.

Boys, let's go get you some ice cream, huh?

Listen, there's a lot we have to...

Oh, absolutely.

You know, Doc, I have no idea how you did it.

And in just an hour.

I'm putting in a little extra for you.

But...

Thanks.

Isn't it great to feel like a family again?

Genius.

Move!Shut up!

Stop touching me.

I'm not touching you. I was clipping on my tie.

Whileyou were touching me.

Stop it. Why do we have to do this?

Because we don't have a single picture of us all together.

That's ridiculous.

We're a family, we should have a family portrait.

Well, Francis isn't here.

I'm not going to cough up 200 bucks to fly him in

for one silly picture.

Where's Dewey?

Dewey,

get out of there.

That's not your family.

You sure you want "Autumn Leaves" as a backdrop?

Yes. You didn't even looked at "Happy Windmills."

It's more colorful.

Ooh, "Space Shuttle."MAN: Next.

I have a coupon here for one 8X10 and two wallet-size for $9.99

and that's what I want.

I don't want the Golden Moments Collection

I don't want the Family and Friends Collection;

I don't want the Lifetime of Love.

I want one 8X10 and two wallet-size for $9.99.

Fine.

We have an installment plan if that would help.

I brought a picture of Francis.

He's going to be in the portrait.

Cool, I'll hold it.

No, I'm going to hold it.

Let go. I'm going to hold it.Come on.

Dewey. Dewey, pants on, mister.

I'm sorry,

but this coupon's expired. What?

It's expired.

What you want will run you $39.50.

Ooh... "Lonely Beach."

We're kind of the lonely beach family, right?

Hal.

But for another five dollars,

you can have the "Instant Memories" set.

That comes with double- exposure silhouettes

for the grandparents.

Look, could you please just do what I'm asking you to...

I'm older!It was my idea!

[screaming]

That is it!

Get up!

Get back!

Come here!

Go there!

We are going to take

this picture, and it is going

to be good.

And that means no faces, no tongues,

no crossed eyes,

no bunny ears.

We are going to smile, we are going to look good,

it is going to cost us $9.99

and all of this is going to happen

by the time I count to three.

[boys arguing]One, two, three.

[boys arguing]