Original subtitles

Hey.

What are we watching?

A documentary on eye surgery.

They're reattaching a retina.

MAN: The procedure involves

making small incisions into the wall of the eye

to allow the introduction of instruments

[drill whirring]into the vitreous cavity.

Is there anything else on?

Dad, this is interesting.

I might be a doctor someday.

You're right, you're right.

The draining of the vitreous, the clear, gel-like fluid

that fills the back of the eye...

Ah! Uh, I'm going to go read.

WOMAN: Kiki beats the heat in a red chiffon teddy.

You don't want to watch a lingerie calendar shoot

with your dad.

And Alexandra likes...

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

Come on!

You boys are late.

I want you out of this house in 30 seconds.

Let's show some hustle.

We've got time.

When we're really late, our lunches are on the front lawn.

Mom, Reese...

Go, go, go, go! [grunts]

Okay, I'm doing dry cleaner, mechanic

and post office.

You're doing groceries and DMV, right?

Right.You got the cable bill?

Great. Bye, guy.

Did I just say "Bye, guy" to you?

I'm pretty sure you did.

"Guy?" I-I-I called you "guy"?!

How can that happen?

I've never done that before.

Hal, it's a lapse; it doesn't mean anything.

"Guy"?!Hal, it happens.

Let's get one thing clear.

In no way, shape, or form do I think of you as a guy.

You are a gorgeous,

exciting, feminine goddess

that I still don't know what I've done to deserve.

Do you understand that?

Yes.

Let's do this walking.

Okay, just for argument's sake,

let's say Dr. Bombay was one of the MASH surgeons.

I'd still want Hawkeye operating

on my perforated aorta.

It's experience that counts.

Think about it.

[thunder crashing]

Will you hurry up with those dishes?-- my bubbles are evaporating.

Eric, you're not going to believe this.

I swear I just saw Commandant Spangler

standing outside the window.

That's not even funny, Francis.

There are some things you just don't joke about,

and that hook-handed maniac is at the top of the list.

But he was so real.

It was like being back at military school.

I know.

For a long time, I saw him every time I shut my eyes.

You just have to remember we escaped

from that hellhole.

We made it out

and found better lives for ourselves.

Now, let's get

these dishes done.

We still have to snake out the toilets

before we can call it a night.

[thunder crashing]

Hey, guys, wait up!

[panting]

[clattering]

Hi.

I'm Dewey.

You smell terrible.

I like you.

Maybe you could come home with me.

Dewey, you're not allowed to have a dog, remember?

We want you to be miserable.

That's right, son, it's our job to make sure

we're as unfair as possible to you.

Don't listen to them, Dewey.

I've studied the matter thoroughly,

and I'm convinced you can get away with it.

All you have to do is hide me. Hmm.

I'll call you Marshmallow.

["Tonight's the Night" playing]

♪ Tonight's the night

♪ It's gonna be all right

♪ 'Cause I love you, girl

♪ Ain't nobody gonna stop us now... ♪

[laughing]

Hal, what are you doing here?

Well, you're off work in five minutes,

and I am here to whisk you away for a night of romance.

Oh, honey, that's so sweet, but I can't.

I've got to cover for Craig tonight.

Why?!

Oh, he's sick as a dog.

Come on! You know that guy's the biggest faker in the world.

The last time he was out with the flu,

we saw him jumping up and down in the window on The Today Show.

That doesn't mean I wasn't sick.

You didn't happen to tape that, did you?

I set my timer wrong.

Oh, honey,

I'm so sorry.

After all the trouble you went through.

No. It's no big deal.

Really, it wasn't any trouble.

Thanks again for the ride home.

Wow.

So, this is what it would have been like

to go to my prom.

All I wanted was a nice evening with my wife.

I even dug up

the wedding vows

I never was able to read to her.

What happened?

Oh, she went into labor with Francis

in the middle of the ceremony.

I was going to read them to her tonight.

God... now I feel awful.

Don't worry about it, Craig.

It's not your fault.

No, I really feel awful.

[retching]

[Marshmallow whining]

[whining]

Shh.

[whispering]: Are you awake?

[Marshmallow whining]

Oh, honey, I'm so sorry about tonight.

Listen, tomorrow night, I'm going to fix us

such a special dinner-- just the two of us.

We'll lock the boys in the garage,

open a bottle of wine-- it'll be great.

[Marshmallow whining]

Oh, I know, honey, I know.

That's all I have.

[whining]

[sighing]

Is the roast medium rare?

Did you put the wine in the fridge?

Mom, my roast is perfect.

I never even knew we had fancy silverware.

When was the last time you used this?

The night you were conceived.

You want more details?

No.Good.

Thank you so much for your help!

Now, get in your room, and don't make a peep

for the next five hours.

Move!

[Marshmallow whining, Dewey grunting]

He's not a dog.

He's just pretend.

What's for dinner?[door closes]

A dog? Busted!

Please don't tell Mom! Please!

Do you have a death wish?

Just let me have him one night.

I love him, and he loves me.

Please, please!

Okay, Dewey, relax.

We won't tell.

Thank you!

So, when do we tell?

As soon as Dad gets home.

It'll be funnier.

I couldn't sleep at all last night.

Me, too. It's like there's something creepy in the air.

SPANGLER: Francis!

Commandant Spangler.

[pans clattering]

What are you doing in Alaska?

I've come for you,Francis!

I've been searching for you for months.

Me? Why?

Why?!

Because...

after 32 years as an educator and disciplinarian,

your desertion

stood out as my

only failure--

a failurethat...

haunted my every waking moment.

I began to see your face

and those of other young cadets who didn't

deserve the wrath that I poured down on their innocent souls.

There was a lawsuit.

Charges were filed.

Disgrace.

I can't even remember the fire.

But I doremember the cause

for all of my

suffering.

I saw the stupid,grinning face

of the one person responsible for all of my suffering.

Who?

[quavering yell]: Die!

Die!

Die!

Die... Sir, cut it out.

Your hooks are cold.

[drunken sobbing]

And then Dewey and Marshmallow

killed the evil dragon,

rescued the poodle princess

and flew all the way back home.

And they got medals and big, red capes,

and everybody loved them.

[whines]

Are you okay?

Marshmallow.

[grunts] Whoa.

[gasping]

Marshmallow, stop!

LOIS: Boys, I thought I told you to stay in your room!

Marshmallow, hide!

[growling softly]

I don't understand it!

An entire roast

with your bare hands?!

T-th-the, the salad, the potatoes, t-the green beans?!

What do you have to say for yourself?!

I was hungry, I guess.

This is great.

Let's tell them about the dog

and really nail his coffin shut.

Not yet; I have a hunch.

An entire stick of butter?!

[sotto voce]: Now! Let's tell them now!

Wait for it, wait for it.

Wait a second.

How could you eat... a candle?

I like candles.

I think they're good.

That's it!

You are going to the hospital and getting your stomach pumped.

[phone ringing, indistinct announcement over P.A.]

All right, young man.

I think you're empty.

Well?

He's fine.

We didn't find any candles,

but we did find some marbles

and the waistband to a pair of underpants.

Don't ask.

Thank you, Doctor.

All right, Dewey, this is the end.

You and your brothers

are now officially in the red zone.

But...Red zone, mister!

Now, tomorrow night

I am taking your mother out on an emergency date.

It will be a beautiful, romantic, magical evening

that we need very badly,

and nothing is going to derail it

on penalty of death.

Good.

Do you want your army man?

Okay.

So, how's he doing?

I was up with him all night.

It got pretty wild

but I think he's doing better now.

I want to die!

Why can't I just die?

Stop talking like that, sir.

This is just a momentary setback.

I have nothing to live for.

Mother no longer acknowledges me.

I have no friends, no money.

I won't even tell you how I paid for my journey up here.

If it means anything to you, sir,

you taught me how to be a man.

I have no idea who you are.

You don't remember me?

After all that time at Marlin,

the hell that you put me through,

you don't even remember me?

Cadet Dudley?

No! Eric!

I just spent the last ten hours cradling you!

Sir, this is because you're not feeling useful.

Look, I've talked to some people

and I think I may have found you a job.

A what?

It'd be with the Interior Department.

You'd be helping the environment,

working with people--

you would be making a real difference.

I can do that.

Thank you, son.

And please, thank that girl

for rocking me in her arms all night long.

[retching]

All right, who's ready

for a fantastic night on the town?

Oh...

Hal, they're beautiful.

Just give me

two minutes to freshen up and I'll be ready to roll.

Just stay put, Dewey.

You're doing great.

We've been in here for three hours.

Hey, I'm just looking out for your best interest.

Okay, Dad just came home.

Let's tell them now so it ruins their date.

Or, we can wait till they come home

and they might be drunk.

This is true.

All right, boys--

your father and I are leaving now.

I left the number for the restaurant on the counter.

[retching in other room]If we get a call, it better be from the coroner.

[toilet flushing]Nothing is going to ruin this night!

M'lady, your carriage awaits.

[giggling]

Well, I'm out of here.

Back at 10:00?

Sounds good.

Dewey, you and your dopey dog

are on your own for an hour or two.

Nope.What are you talking about?

Did something happen to the dog?

Oh, he's fine. He's just busy destroying

your comic book collection.

What?

[snarling]

That's it.

You're getting rid of that thing right now!

And you'regoing to pay for this!

I don't think so.Oh, I think so.

[barking]

[gasping]

[barking]

Sit!

[growling]

I wasn't talking to him.

[growling continues]

Ever since the day I was born,

you guys have been torturing me.

I remember you trying to switch me for another baby at the park.

I remember you telling me the tooth fairy was a vampire.

I remember every

wet Willie, every booger sandwich,

every stink hat...

Dewey, we're sorry.

...every waffle butt, every chester backster

and every purple nurple!

And now

you're going to pay.

[barks]

Dewey, this isn't going to work.

Mom and Dad will be home in a few hours,

that dog will be gone, you'll be in trouble,

and we'll kick your ass for the next ten years.

I know.

So we'd better get started.

What do you want?

Everything.

I want everything.

Hal, this place is beautiful.

It's so romantic.

Everything is fabulous.

Yes, it is fabulous.

Look, they have

your favorite-- oysters!

We'll have to order some of those.

Actually, I had a big batch

of oysters for lunch.

You did?

Where did you get oysters?

A guy has a cart outside the building.

Besides, I am dying to try this plain broth--

they're famous for it.

For their broth? What are you talking about?

Is that your friend Suzy from work?

Who, that fat old man?

Never mind. I'm just so excited to be here.

Excuse me, sorry.

Please,

could you turn the air conditioning like

10-15 degrees colder?

Okay.

Okay...

Hal... what are you up to?

I'll never tell.

I love this.

I'm having such a great time.

Me, too.

Excuse me.

Hurry back.

[shuddering]

Excuse me.

I need your help.

Here-- here's $20.

Go and buy me some medicine-- some cold medicine--

and serve it to me in a champagne glass.

But I-I...Just stop talking and go!

[moaning]

DEWEY: Pencils down.

Who wants to read their essay first?

Marshmallow, why don't you choose?

[barks]

"50 reasons why Dewey

"is the greatest brother

"in the history of the universe

and I'm a worthless chunk of garbage."

Is that what we were supposed to be writing about?

From the top.

"50 reasons why Dewey is the greatest brother in the...

Stop.

Something's not right.

Wait.

There.

Continue.

[doorbell rings]

Nobody move.[knocking on door]

CRAIG: Hello?! I know

someone's home.

I saw shapes moving on the curtain!

Marshmallow, guard.

Hey, sport, is your dad home?

No, they went to a restaurant,

but they said you should go over...

Well, I just came to drop off some pants.

They got out...Craig, help!

REESE: Help up, please!

Dewey's gone crazy.

He's holding us prisoner.

[Marshmallow growls]

I'm sorry you had to see this.

[Marshmallow growls]

Number 12...

his twinkling eyes.

To us.

To us.

You know, Lois...

LOIS [thinking]: Don't pass out.

No! No, keep it together.

Smile, smile! Laugh!

[laughter]

HAL [thinking]: You're going to throw up.

Okay, if it comes to it, aim for the ice bucket.

[laughter]

♪ We're stinky and evil, we're dumb and sarcastic ♪

♪ While Dewey, in contrast

♪ Is super fantastic

♪ And that's why Dewey is king

[harmonizing]: ♪ Why Dewey is king.

Hey, it's haircut time.

Think of your favorite Stooge, and I'll be right back.

Marshmallow, if anyone moves, eatthem.

This is insane.

We've got to do something.

I'm Moe.

We don't have a choice.

I say at the count of three,

we split up and all run for different doors.

Are you nuts? He might get one of us.

MALCOLM: Yeah, but two of us

will get away and go for help.

I'm willing if you are. I can't sing anymore.

Ready? On three.

One...

two...

three.

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Go, go, go, go![barking]

No. Good dog! No, no!

[screaming] Ah! Ooh! Not the face!

[screaming]

Craig's a good guy.

He always comes through for us.

I couldn't find

any rusty scissors, so we're going to have

to use...

Where is he?

He should have been back by now.

Look at this, my palms are sweaty.

Would you calm down? Here he comes.

So?

[slurring]: For some reason, I was fired.

I don't believe it, he's drunk again.

You're just going to have to face it, Francis--

there's no hope for this guy.

The only thing that ever made him remotely happy

was tormenting and bullying helpless students.

Without that, he's nothing.

You call that a collage?

Is it an insult

to the craft.

I can see paste coming up over the top of the Popsicle stick.

I'm sorry, I have arthritis.

That's it.

You have just lost pudding

for the whole group.

Feel free to thank Mrs. Meekitjuk after I leave.

I feel like dancing.

Me, too.

Oh, darling, there's something

I've wanted to say to you

for the longest time.

Uh-huh?

I have to go to the hospital.

Oh, Hal, you don't know how happy that makes me.

REESE: What do you think?

One more can?

No, we don't want to spoil him.

Besides, he probably has to go

to the bathroom now.

Who wants to go out in the front yard?

I'll remember this,too.

"And how can words describe how I feel

on this, the day of our marriage?"

"You are my day, my night, the sun in my sky.

You are the Duran to my Duran."

Oh, Hal.

"Her name is Lois and she dances on the sand

just like that river twisting through a dusty land..."