Original subtitles

Do -do -do -do!

Yeah.

Thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you. Thank you. All right.

That was a lovely dream.

And a lovely song.

No, that dream was intensely idiotic. Idiotic?

Moved me to tears. Did you even hear it, Luddy Wood? Tears? That dream was a

proper nightmare.

You've no appreciation of great music, Luddy Wood.

But when it comes to me...

I sing this little ditty every day when I get up. I skip and I jump and I trot

and I trip and I never want to stop.

Now someone is sleeping and snoring and groaning, but that is Luddy Wood.

I always wake up early, that's why I'm never in a silly mood. Hey!

Really,

Tutton, that fishing thing is a hopeless project, and you know it.

Nonsense, man. Something will bite. I can feel it.

I mean, let's face it.

You've been pissing for days without anything to show for it since the time

gave up.

No way. I once got this ginormous halibut.

Really big.

Two cents.

That's a dangerous catch, is that?

There should be a law against that kind of fish.

People could get hurt in all kinds of ways.

But,

Tudson... Aye?

Shouldn't we put the fish in the freezer?

Oh, are you mad?

It's freezing in there. The poor thing will catch pneumonia.

Yeah, you're right.

You stay cosy, little fishy.

Just where you are.

What was that?

Hmm?

What was what?

I heard a hiccup. Was that you?

Average Wednesday?

Stop it.

There's something in here.

Something sinister. Like a great big beast, eh?

Yes, exactly.

A great big beast.

There, I heard it again.

Don't be silly.

There are no big beasts inside our tunnel, are there?

I, Luddy Wood, have seen it before.

Oh, are you?

Stop it. Come on, stop it. Please, Luddy Wood, please.

I've heard scuffling.

Scuffling? Yes.

And scary giggling.

Giggling.

Giggling. Giggling.

I see giggling.

Giggling.

Hudson?

Yes? I've seen a big beast inside this very tunnel.

You have?

Yes. It had a hundred heads.

Fourteen legs? Holy mackerel, that's a lot of stinky feet.

Oh, yes.

Yeah? And I... Yeah?

I ran after it.

You ran after it, Luddywood? I may even have been running in front of it,

Tootson. You were in front?

Yes, that kind of beast. Yeah?

Eats little Tootsons and Luddywoods for brunch.

For brunch? You think that's scary?

Really scary.

To them, we're just little morsels.

Deep inside our tunnel lives a really big old beast. They say it's got a

heads and fourteen legs at least. We are very frightened, yeah, that is really

true.

Maybe sometimes you all feel a little frightened too.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat the lion.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

Maybe it will come tonight and have us both for tea.

If it gets a picket, do you think it'll let us eat?

I hope he eats lollywood first.

It'll be so full.

He won't once eat me.

Big old beasts are deadly for up to tiny guys.

And ending up as beastie dinner won't be very nice.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

Yes, that big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

Oh, that big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

The big old beast has a hundred heads and it wants to eat us alive.

That.

That's a beast with claws.

That's a beast with claws. A real beast.

A hundred heads.

A hundred heads.

Does it really exist?

Why, I don't know.

Please be real.

Luddywood, look.

The beast pushed over Grandpa's chest of drawers with all his pirate stuff

inside. That's downright vandalism, that is.

That beast had better watch out.

If he starts messing with my grandpa's chest of drawers, I'm going to...

The

beat. The awful

beat.

No, not animals.

It's an awful beast with a hundred heads and 14 feet.

It's just humongous. You must have seen him.

Awful beast.

There's really no such thing.

I've got a letter for the both of you.

Ah, look. A letter? A letter.

Bow me over.

Isn't it just... It's from the government.

You're going to have to move out.

Um, what was that?

Living in tunnels is not allowed.

Oh, but there's no government here.

Just the two of us. Maybe, but the government decides everything.

But surely we have a say as well. No, you don't, actually. The government

decides everything. You are moving out today.

Today? We have to move today?

Today. It's written in the letters. It says immediately.

But I like living here.

So do I.

Tunnels are for treads.

Not for people.

And definitely not rats.

Move!

Goodbye, then.

Badger all.

What are they doing?

Are Tutton and Liddyward moving?

Why? Why indeed.

We're homeless, Tutton.

He's a fellow of Captain Tootson and a weird little boy.

Hmm? Oh, that's me.

Oh.

What's that in your hand, then?

That's Grandad's peg leg.

He let me use it as a softball bat on Sunday.

Hmm. I can't help but think, Tootson. Now, there's something new.

What would your Grandad do in a situation like this?

Well, to begin with, I think he'd get up and sing a little song, do a little

jig, hear a ukulele, they don't.

No, in a situation like ours.

I mean, if he'd been evicted.

Oh, he would set things right, he would.

Exactly. Set things right. I bet he wouldn't have a problem telling the

government what to do. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

My grant's right. He'd give the government a proper walloping using Mr's

pinky, no question.

Yes, yes, yes. But he isn't here, is he? No.

No.

We haven't seen your granddad in a long time now.

It's been hours at least.

What do you mean, hours? It was years ago, Tootson. A matter of minutes.

I wonder about you sometimes.

Oh, right.

OK.

Hmm. Oh, Bloody Wood! Treasure map!

Bloody Wood! All real pirates have a treasure map. So we'll follow the

map and we'll find Grandad, right? And I'm absolutely certain he's going to

us out. Brilliant! No, it isn't just brilliant. It's downright genius! Come

Bloody Wood! We're sorted!

Touch down that Bloody Wood! Touch down that Bloody Wood! We are going to find

the treasure, treasure map!

Why are you two still hanging around?

Just get out, will you? We decided to go and fetch Captain Tootson.

Captain Tootson, you say?

He's my grandad, right? And he's really strong. You know, my grandad will show

the government. He'll give them a boot right up the backside.

Did I mention he's my grandad? Yes, we've already heard that he's your

Captain Tootson, he's obviously not here right now, so... Where is he?

We shall find him.

Whatever the cost. And wherever the cost.

No.

What kind of behaviour is this? I've told you a thousand times over that

This behaviour is...

Farting, yeah.

Yeah, exactly.

We don't want any of that sort of thing in our tunnel.

Shame on you. Badger -o. Oh, badger -o, being told off. Nuff -a -nuff. Is Woody

Wood mad at you?

Come have a go.

Nuff -a -nuff.

Come on, we need to find that treasure map right away. Right you are. Let's

in the drawers.

This chest of drawers is brilliant.

It belongs to Captain Tootson. That's my grandad, that is. And this thing here

is chock full of pirate treasures from all over the world.

You disco pants, Tootson.

That's where they are.

Grandpa told me he got them from the Duke of Lower Mongolia himself.

You know, Captain Tootson once emptied China of cockneys just by clearing his

throat. Oh, I don't believe that at all.

And now they all live in London. Just ask them. Ask them? Yeah.

It's incredible if you ask me.

My fantastic Gramps was the captain of the ship.

He held the helm through rain and storm and he never let it slip.

For Captain Tootsin was master of the sea.

Captain Tootsin, the sailor man.

But now he's old and does the best he can.

Captain Tootsin is an aging man. A -doodle -da -ba -doodle -dee. Captain

is an aging man. A -doodle -da -ba -doodle -dee. Captain Tootsin is an

man. Go on, Luddy Wood. Tell us. Deep, deep inside this tunnel, there's a huge

big boulder.

The funny thing about it is, it looks exactly like a backpack.

One. In a dream, I went up to the backpack boulder and opened it. And what

see inside?

It was Captain Tootson, and he was playing the tuba.

My fantastic Gramps, now a boulder is his home.

Way down in our tunnel, yeah, I'm wondering what he's doing there.

Captain Tootson's sitting deep inside a stone.

Captain Tootson's inside a stone. Because the ship's got him here, doled

alone. Captain Tootson is in...

Captain Tootsin is an aging man Captain Tootsin is an aging man

The

map!

Yay!

That's a treasure map. Look, the backpack boulder looks just like it did

song about Captain Tootsin.

Let's see. The backpack boulder's over there.

Oh, now I see it. That means we have to go this way first. Over to the left.

Turn up here and we can stop, have a coffee.

Oh, that'd be nice.

Yes.

You know, this nonsense isn't going to help. Will to.

Will not.

Will to. Will not. Will to.

Will not. Will to.

Rightio, I'm off to report you to the government now.

Wait and see. You'll both be sorry then.

No. Well, two. No.

Well, two. No.

Well, two. No. Well, two. No. Well, two. No.

Well, two. And that's the last of it.

No.

Well, no.

Okay, you win.

Badger, you hold the fort and we'll go find Captain Tootsin.

Da -da -da.

You'll do just fine.

You can do this.

Well, little sister, did you throw them out?

They won't move our children, and now they're going to fetch Captain Tutson. I

knew it, didn't I? Captain Tutson is hiding in his damn tunnels.

Did you see the backpack boulder?

No, but they've got a map. They chose where it is. And you got that? That map,

didn't you?

Oh, no. Then why are you here, huh? Get after them.

Oh, Trin, what are you going to do with that?

That train?

Wait and see.

We're going to need it to take back the backpack boulder. No, I'm going to lose

my job if they can't help me. Lose my job?

Really now?

Once the backpack boulder is mine, you won't have to work again.

Ever. Yeah, but... No more examples.

Get going, will you? Show them who's little sister you really are.

All right, Kutcher.

And shut that door!

That draft is giving me the nipples!

So it's where do we go now?

Where? Go that way.

Hmm. Let's see what the map says.

Hmm. Hmm.

Here, we have to take the path to the left.

So, to the left or to the right?

Oh, Tootson, you can't tell your left from your right.

Of course I can.

So which of these paths is the one on the left?

Well, it's obviously the one on the left. You know that as well as I do. Oh,

Tootson, Tootson, I'm going to teach you how to tell left from right once and

for all.

You are?

Which hand is the one you don't pick your nose with?

Hmm.

Oh, that one's a... Oh!

Yeah, this one, is it?

Wrong. Wrong?

So it's this one?

Correct, Tootsie. You always pick your nose with your right hand, which means

this is your left hand, right?

Oh, that's a really easy way to remember it.

There is a badger in our roof.

Badgery, badger all.

There is a badger in our roof.

Where are we now?

Did we walk off the map?

Did they just forget to draw this part?

Stop it, Toots, and that's not funny.

What? I didn't say a word.

Something's coming.

It's a cow.

Call the animator.

Come and see there is a cow in a tunnel.

Followed by a little doggy.

Did they run away from Penn and Kennel?

Wonder why they've come in here.

Is that dog a bulldog or a cow dog?

Is it dangerous to people?

Are they line dancing or playing leapfrog?

Will they wag their tails or moo?

Will they do a dog?

They just came by and kept on going.

They're heading for the exit.

Curiosity is just growing.

What on earth was this about?

Was that cow a cowgirl or a cowboy?

Was it dangerous to people?

Were they real or some kind of decoy? Wonder why they came in

here.

Wonder why they came in here.

That was enormously entertaining, don't you think?

What was that?

I'm frightened, Bloody Wood. Me too.

What are we going to do if the big beast shows up?

We better run ahead of it, just like you did. But what's ahead and what's

behind?

I'm scared.

It looks like we're almost there. I think it's this way.

You've been saying that for an hour. I think

I've

sprained me bottom.

And I think I've broken my femur.

Should my knee be pointing backwards?

Oh, hang on. I've got two of them.

Chitin! Yeah?

Yeah! Oh,

the backpack.

Brother.

Let's call for Grandad. See if he'll come out.

Maybe he's having a nap.

All right, then, come on. Let's just go inside.

Okay.

Grandad! Captain Tootson!

Peek -a -boo!

You don't say peek -a -boo to a real pirate captain.

All right, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to.

Sabre. He let me play with it when I was a little boy.

Shiver me timbers. Take that, government.

This is incredible.

It's easier than I thought it would be.

Little Clifter.

Do not let anyone into that boulder. I'm leaving you in charge.

Okay.

I see.

Grandad also wanted to teach me fencing while standing on the edge.

Tilson, come over here.

What could this be, do you think?

Hmm, looks like some sort of steering wheel.

Great.

Neat, neat.

Move over, you slow coach.

Look at me, Luddy Wood. I'm doing 20 miles an hour.

Tutson, where the devil are you?

Now, come on out. I know you're there.

Um, maybe there's some sort of trap door or something.

Come out, you two.

Now.

But where did they go?

I've been this far, not you, that bloody wood!

Help!

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow, ow!

That's sore!

Tootson?

Tootson?

Maybe he's gone to a party.

You can't come in the house.

Back in 72, the Captain Simpson was telling us a story from the days of his

youth when he was a pirate captain.

A crooked smile on his face to let everybody see one of his rights. He was

gold tooth.

He would wear his eye patch either this way or above that way.

Fish oil.

Fish oil?

Hiya, sailor. Are you here to sample our famous fish oil? No, but thanks all the

same. I'm looking for Captain Tootson, the particularly famous pirate captain.

That old slob. Very famous.

That's a good one, mate.

Oh, well, OK. Do you know where he is?

I haven't seen that coward since he took off.

He owes this harbour two buckets of gold.

to Gowd at all. He's famous, no?

Well, let me tell you something about that captain of yours.

Here, have some fish oil.

I just push some buttons, see? Oh, oh. And then...

was just a wimpy little sailor. Gudrun was the real boss.

So who's Gudrun? Gudrun was the actual queen of the seven seas she was, and

Captain Tootson was just a little lover boy.

Hang on, what was that? You said lover boy?

But all the same, that coward of a captain managed to take off at Gudrun's

treasure, the backpack boulder.

But what are you saying? Captain Tootson took off?

Exactly, and no one has seen that little coward ever again.

This can't be true. Are you sure?

Of course. It's on fish tube.

Wanna see it?

Uh, okay.

No, no, no! Go away!

Go away!

The bowler's mine, I tell ya!

Don't you start your little old fool!

Come back here at once!

Stop doing that!

Took off, he did. And nobody's seen him since.

Golly, why... Oh, that's funny.

I always thought Captain Chipson was an honourable pirate.

He went away for years and not a single word was heard. Then one day he suddenly

surfaced. We're going to keep that devil's coin with us. Oh,

but at that time for tough and there was...

Am I happy to see you?

I'd have been a popsicle if it weren't for you.

I don't get it.

You can't possibly end up in the North Pole just like that, can you?

So if that's the case, where in the world is Luddywood?

Hmm.

of a giant shark that died in 1826 of typhoid goitac.

Uh, oil from a what?

Seriously bad breath, man. Yeah, I've been to Tropical Island.

Did you try to kiss a rotten shark or what?

No, I've been trying to track down Captain Tooth. That's my grandad.

I'm afraid he owes two buckets of gold and he's not at all brave or famous. Two

buckets of gold?

That's my grandad, all right. Listen to me. At the bar, they said your grandad

was a complete coward.

They even had a film about him.

A film?

God's wallet.

Yeah, you're right.

Probably just special effects.

This is all just insane, isn't it, Luddy Wood?

I've been to the North Pole.

You've been to a tropical island.

How is that even possible?

Yeah, I know. And we still can't find your grandad. I mean, maybe we should

give up.

Oh, grandad, where are you now that we need you?

What's the matter now?

Well... Oh.

What the... Captain Tootson...

died?

My grandfather...

Just be dead.

Hang on.

On second thoughts, Titson.

Yeah? Actually, this is good.

Eh? Now we know where he is.

Get ready for your heavenly lunch break.

Captain Tootsie.

Grandad. Hello

there.

Nice to see you both.

It's my grandad.

Yes,

we have to keep our voices down here. My condolences.

What do you mean?

Oh, no, no, no, no. It's not what you think. You think we're just passing

through, you know? In that case, I'll tell you that this place is all about

peace and quiet and silent rejoicing.

Awfully boring, if you ask me.

Oh, play your harp and leave me alone.

You have to come down to the tunnel, Captain.

Right away.

Oh, that's not possible, no.

Nobody ever gets out of this place alive.

The good book says so, you know. But we need your help, Grandad.

They're going to throw us out of the tunnel.

Please. Oh, dear.

That is sad.

We got this letter from the government.

Hmm. But there's a name here that's scribbled out.

Gudrun?

Why, I do believe it.

Gudrun. Gudrun?

Gudrun. She is... She is an old pirate queen I knew in my youth, as I recall

Love a boy.

She isn't the government.

She's a phony.

Treacherous and cunning like a hellcat. She's always been after my backpack

boulder.

And you're being thrown out by her?

That's right, Captain.

She tricked you.

It's my boulder she's after.

She must not get hold of the backpack boulder. Do you hear me?

If Gudrun takes the backpack boulder, she can do anything she wants and get

hands on anything.

Wealth, weapons, power.

She could become the worst dictator the world has ever seen.

Oh, my word.

Gudrun must be stopped.

Help me in. Yeah. Yes. Come on.

Oh, my giddyot.

I'm going to enjoy getting out of here.

See there?

I found Captain Tootson's gravestone. He's dead, good friend. The old

trick. Ha, ha, ha.

He's tried that five times.

The keys.

You could just waltz in here and break all of the heavenly laws just as you

please. So sorry. You see, we were just... You were just... Hmm?

What? You were just... Oh. Just you wait and see. Our Lord and Savior will set

you to rights.

He who has created everything.

If anyone can make a fuss, it's him.

Could you excuse me for a moment? Yes, hello?

No, absolutely not.

No, I'll read the question. You have to continue to remain downstairs.

Yes.

And I'll be sending you down three more shortly.

Run! Run!

Hey, don't step!

Oh, you will feel the wrath of heaven.

Stop, Scandal!

You come back here right away!

Oh, just you wait! We'll get you!

Nice to be back here. I never thought I would be.

Badger, you saved us.

A badger? There's no time to play with your pet.

We have to stop Gudrun.

And who in the seven seas are you, you landlubber?

Captain Tutson.

I'll have you know, you are vandalizing my personal...

Government? Ha!

Tell Gudrun from me. The backpack boulder is mine. She'll never have it.

away with you!

Help! Captain Tristan has returned!

We're saved!

Gudrun won't give up without a fight.

Oh, what do we do then?

I have a formidable plan.

We're going to move the backpack boulder to the mouth of the tunnel.

Would you look at this?

Someone must have sabotaged the apparatus while I was away in heaven.

Probably just needs a bit of adjustment.

Make yourself useful, boys. You two push the boulder, I'll work on this thing.

Right, push the boulder. Right, you mean pushing it, as in with our hands? Yes,

hop to it. Oh, yeah, hop to it then, would you, Herman? It needs a bit of

force. Yeah, but brute force is just one method, Tutton. Of course, we could use

our brains as well, be smart about it.

Maybe we could use a balloon or something to lift the entire backpack

Oh, that's clever. I'd do like that.

Guys, they need help.

Oh,

that's brilliant, Tootsie. We'll make it go downhill.

Genius. Yeah, and to slow it down at the bottom, we could do something sticky

like... I know what you're thinking, but we're absolutely not smearing goo on

the boulder.

Huh? No, no, no. Goo?

I'm thinking glue.

Glue. Glue.

Glue, not goo.

Glue. Glue.

Glue is not the same as goo.

Goo.

Glue.

Have you two gone completely loopers?

Oh, we're pushing now. We're pushing right away.

Pushy, pushy, Tootsie. Pushy, pushy.

idea. Yeah, that's very good, Dad.

Calm

down,

will you, Grandad? You're tipping the entire boulder over the way you're

working.

If we want to take the backpack boulder back, we need proper equipment.

My old lover boy may be wimpy, but he can be full of surprises.

Plus, he's got those two weirdos with him as well.

I'll bet those three good -for -nothings are thinking up some new fiendishly

cunning plot just about now.

Yeah, and a removal van can also be a solution.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hello?

Hello? Is that the removal company?

Yes, how do you do, Mr. Removal? Could you please come here right away?

When my phone starts making noises Like a

parrot with a flu There's a call I must take right away When I

dial a certain number So your phone squeaks at you I am trying to reach you

say Hello?

Hello. How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Toodle -oo.

Toodle -oo, Luddy Wood.

Hello. Hello.

How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Toodle -oo.

Toodle -oo, Luddy Wood.

Let's stay on the line. Okay.

Little mice squeak and pretty birds squeak and a wind scream wiper squeak

baby who's happy squeaks too.

Rusty door squeaking rubber duckies and an old man when he speaks. But you know

when your phone squeaks at you.

Hello.

Hello.

How are you today?

Hello.

Toodaloo.

Toodaloo.

Bloody world.

old landline phone is a good thing to have. Yes, even when it's out of

service. One thing it's still good for, just grab it by its cord and

use it for how much I'll practice.

Hello. Hello.

How are you today?

Feeling fine.

Let Gudrun come at us with whatever she wants.

It's my turn now.

Hey, what kind of devilish mutiny are you two planning?

How come you're not moving the backpack boulder?

We're in a hurry.

Get a move on. Aye, aye, Grandad. Aye, aye, Captain.

We've got this. You can count on us. Don't suck up to him like that. Me?

Goodness me.

You managed to move it already?

That's very good work, guys.

High five, then, Ludewood.

Boys, over here. Look at that. Now, we are preparing to launch the world's most

invincible weapon.

Oh, you mean your ship, right? You're bringing your pirate ship here, yeah?

guns and a Jolly Roger and four masts full of sails. Oh, yeah!

Hey, that's my granddad, Ludewood.

Just look at what he can do. Just a teeny tiny second. Captain Tudson, with

due respect.

There's absolutely no water here to float your ship, is there? Pay close

attention now.

My magnificent ship was the terror of the seven seas.

And here, here she comes now.

So, your invincible weapon is a banana.

Oops, we must have pressed the wrong button.

Well, as they say, it happens to the best of us.

That doesn't usually happen.

Captain, there's a huge train coming with a skull and...

Give me one minute. One minute. That's it, isn't it?

Now where is that thing?

I think you need to come out here, Brandon.

Maybe we should go inside.

Well.

if it isn't my precious lover boy.

I'm not your lover boy.

Little Captain Tootson. Oh, shut your trap, you... you waffler.

Oh, my backpack boulder is ready for pickup. That's nice.

You're not getting away this time.

She's just an old lady. We can't fight an old lady, can we? What are you

She's a dangerous vampire shark.

Go to battle stations, man. On the double.

Captain. Aye, aye. Oh, Captain. My Captain.

This is it. Sink or swim.

Is that your famous pirate ship?

Oh, look, it is Loverboy's very

own little toy bathtub ship. Oh, I'm very sad, dear old dear.

It's just too easy.

Grandad, aren't you going to fight her? Like pirate fighting with sabres and

Japanese karate.

Couldn't splash right up the bottom.

You told me that you were an invincible pirate captain and all that.

Yeah, well, it was just to make you proud of me, Tutzer.

I was bluffing.

I was boasting.

I lied.

Without the backpack boulder, I would be nothing, nothing.

Is it true, Grandad?

Now turn. No, don't.

Be happy that you even have a granddad at all.

No, my granddad is no pirate.

He's a fake, a wimp, and a coward of the very worst

kind.

Make sure the cables are secure.

Okay.

when this is all over. May I please leave then?

Don't you start, little sister. You belong to me.

I've told everything you've asked me to.

You are a really awful bitch.

Come on, we've got to do

something.

The big beef could scare them off, don't you think?

Yes, yes, yes. We can catch it.

Catch it?

Oh, but we're going to need bait.

Bait? You can be the bait.

No way.

Am I going to be bait? Well, it's a great idea. The beast will come for you

right away.

Because I'm so good looking, you know what?

Nah, according to my mirror, I'm a lot better looking than you are. I'm not.

two. I'm not. I'm two.

Not. I'm two.

I'm two. Nope. I'm two. No way. I'm two. You're not. I am Tootson, so I should

be the bait.

All right, then.

What the farting goblins is that stuff?

Well, it's badger perfume, isn't it? A real actual cord.

Just in case you're not handsome enough.

No need. I'm plenty more handsome.

Why is poor Luddy Wood being served up on a platter?

We might as well go straight back to heaven.

Well, so far, the plot of this film has been pretty normal, with a more or less

acceptable moral to the story. Uh -huh. So at this point, we have three

alternative endings to choose from. Three? What do you mean? Oh, yes,

nice one. Nice one. A sad one. Sad one. And a likely one. Really? Let's begin

with the nice one.

Uh -huh.

Gudrun and Captain Tootson rekindle their romance.

Uh -huh. They get married, kissing and cuddling for the rest of their days. Oh,

that's lovely.

I really like this one. The big beast marries Badgerow.

And they have 70 crazy kids. You and I get married too.

All right, but I want Badger off with me bridesmaid.

And then there's the sad ending.

Okay. Gudrun defeats the big beast.

She opens her own zoo.

Oh, no.

Where she forces Captain Tootson to perform a daily pirate show.

And far, far off in a remote tunnel, two tunnel dwellers choke on old licorice

and die. What? They die?

Oh, this doesn't sound like a nice family movie, does it, Luddy Wood? And

there's the likely ending.

Everybody wanted to see the film about the big beast, but they didn't want to

pay for it. They wanted to wait until they could watch it for free. But by

it had been forgotten and was only being shown in Art House Student Film Club.

Oh, really, Luddy Wood? Now you're just being weird.

Stop this right away.

Well, it could really happen, you know. Give me the remote. I don't have any

remote. Yes, you do. Give it here. Push that button. Oh, OK.

No, no, maybe that one.

There's no other granddad in the world, you know.

There's simply no other granddad who can lie like you do.

And that's good.

Really good.

And you could be my granddad too, if you like.

Would you allow me to be?

Yes, of course you can be. Can't he, Tootsie?

You know, Luddy Wood, I've been around the block a few times in my youth.

So it's actually not that far -fetched. I am your grandpa.

Come to think about it, it's really quite possible.

And I wouldn't be much surprised to find that I'm your grandma as well.

Feeling

like

a thousand butterflies are racing in my tummy.

You'd always think we've had a meal.

Dreams are coming true, two days a day. And it's going to be so yummy.

That's so exciting, he could squeal. You are now. Sure you are.

Now the stage is set. I walk up to the mic stand.

Everybody's eyes are on me.

And I'll be dumb and dandy. You are, you are dandy.

Feeling very smug now, dumb and...

I'll be horses at the backing girls. My hand guitars are more cool.

But listen to the people cheer.

It's so groovy you could rock the world.

With cherry jam for makeup.

Can you feel the hour drawing near?

Badgero!

Badgero! Badgero!

Come down and clear this up right away!

Badgero!

Badgero!

Come and get it!

Christmas only once again.

They may come in any color, even gray.

But hey, good things come to those who wait.

It is my turn today. I walk up to the mic stand.

Everybody's eyes are on me.

now.

from the days of his youth when he was a pirate out there.

A crooked smile on his face to let everybody see. One of his right feet was

gold tooth.

He would wear his eye patch either day.

And they tapped him leftist, expressing their vexation.

He read them, everyone, and sent his proof, replied, there's no whole

just the way he was used to.

And thus he gained his worldwide reputation.

Not a single word was said. Then one day he suddenly said this.

With a kid's back to the golden dignity of being.

Oh, but that time was tough and there was no one else to work for. And tried

just he said, he stared into space and longed for the open sea.

Did I tell you about the time when Captain Tootson learned to play the

with his knees?

Yes, you did.

Luddy Wood? Yes? Did I tell you about when Captain Tootson learned how to swim

underwater, but he stayed under for so long, he developed gills?

Yes, you did.

Oh.

Luddy Wood! Luddy Wood! Yes? What is it now?

Did I tell you about when Captain Tootson was in Iceland, right, and he

in the hot tub, right, and all the Icelanders suddenly went... Was this all

awful farting? And it was Captain Tootson. And all of a sudden, they had

world's very first jacuzzi. Yeah, the tome. Oh.

Luddy Wood, did I tell you about when Captain Tootson landed on a deserted

island? And he had to sit down, right? Because, yeah, he was tired. But he sat

right on top of a pirate's treasure. And it was huge!

And the island was cursed. So a bunch of skeletons were coming for him. And they

were like... And he was like... But luckily, he had his pistol right. So he

shot up all the skeletons.

And then the treasure was in, and everybody was like, Captain Tootsin is a

really cool guy.

Did I tell you about that? Yes. Oh.

Oh, Luddy Wood, Luddy Wood. Yes, what is it? What is it? Did I tell you about

when Captain Tootsin skipped a day of the week? Right, he just skipped

and it was Friday all of a sudden, and everybody was like, woo -hoo -hoo, cool,

extra long weekend. No, I haven't heard that one before.

Oh, okay. Yeah, yeah, but now I've heard it. Oh, oh.