Original subtitles

Did you get the eclairs?

I did, but they only had three left,

and I had to cut in front of an old woman to get those.

Well, I just won't have one.

No, no, no, no. I won't have one.

You and Dewey can split one.

That's not fair to Dewey.

Forget it.

We'll just let the boys have them.

[door slams]

False alarm.

♪ Yes, no, maybe

♪ I don't know

♪ Can you repeat the question?

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ You're not the boss of me now ♪

♪ And you're not so big

♪ Life is unfair.

As near as I can figure,

my school was created for the sole purpose

of making me miserable.

Today in Krelboyne class, we start Medieval Week.

Where's your jester costume?

In my backpack. I'll wear it at school.

Put it on.

I didn't stay up all night making it for my health.

Bells-- oh, I forgot the bells.

You look so adorable.

You know what I love about Medieval Week?

Is that you can spot the Krelboynes

from super far away, and they jingle when you hit them.

HAL: Reese.

Leave your brother alone.

Although you are asking for it.

Okay, ready?

Ready?

Come here.

Why don't you just put a bull's-eye on my chest

and get it over with?

Oh, you look fine.

And Reese will tell me if you take these off.

When I was six, I dove in a pool and my trunks came off.

God, I wish I was there right now.

All right, children, it's time to begin the harvest dance.

I'd demonstrate myself, but being in my third trimester,

I don't want to risk

the placenta separating from my uterine wall.

[kids groaning]

Oh, come on.

We studied this.

There's nothing dirty about the miracle of life.

And we should all be able to discuss this openly.

DABNEY: Who's the father?

Does he... work here?

All right, you know, I told you

we are not playing this game again.

All right, everyone, gather their dance props, please.

Dabney, don't forget you have a dentist appointment.

Okay.

Your Holiness, would you start the gay-- as in happy--

Harvest Procession?

Let's... kick it.

[playing medieval tune]

[bells jingling]

Dabney has three dentist appointments every week.

His teeth look fine to me.

He's not going to the dentist.

He's going to the "dentist."

It's a secret code for the school therapist.

How come you know that? You see the shrink, too?

Yes, I'm currently seeing Ms. Gilbert.

My mother and stepfather suggested it

as a preemptive strike

against my anger displacement tendencies.

But ultimately, therapy was my decision.

Not theirs... mine.

It was voluntary.

Okay.

Yes, I am!

My fear of rejection is virtually gone,

and my self-worth is at an all-time high.

[music ends]

I really think you're going to like laundry duty, Francis.

Basically, you wash it, you dry it, you fold it.

You want me to go through that again?

No, twice was good.

Actually, I don't mind doing laundry.

Mom always thought she was punishing me,

but I always found it relaxing.

Geez, this detergent is awful.

This is way too coarse for our cotton blends.

Wasn't this stuff banned?

Yeah, this is what we use.

You see, there is an arrangement with the distributor.

We take this crappy soap off his hands,

and, uh, he makes it worth our while.

The Alabama Opera?

There's plenty more where that came from.

No thanks.

Opera's not your thing.

That's fine.

This guy's got connections.

Cords of firewood, tractor show,

free burgers from Churchill's when you buy a burger

of equal or greater value.

Don't you think Marlin Academy is hard enough

without our own guys selling us out?

I mean, look at these.

You ever heard of fabric softener?

These sheets are like

sleeping on straw.

Hey, it was good enough for the baby Jesus.

Get out.

Where are my cooling racks?

I know I put them in here. What a mess!

Honey, please.

I'll go to the store,

and I'll buy you new cooling racks.

No! I want to find these.

And when I do, we are all going to clean out

this disaster of a closet.

It's going to be our new family project.

We never finished our last family project.

Because it's in here, under two tons of crap.

Your dentist appointment, Lloyd?

My teeth feel fine today, Caroline.

I like myself.

[sobbing]: Oh, who am I kidding?

Great news!

We have been granted permission to perform the harvest dance

at the all-school assembly today.

[kids cheering]

And fruit will be handed out to the student body

in case they want to join in.

Okay, everyone get in their circles,

and...

[music playing]

[bells jingling]

Sorry! Damn!

Stupid!

I can't do it!

I'm stupid and I'm terrible!

I suck at everything!

And I'm fat!

[gasping]

[video game sound effects]

Okay, you just get comfortable.

We'll talk when you're ready.

Thank you, Ms. Gilbert.

Okay, so I faked it.

But with the family I have,

it would've only been a matter of time anyway.

[video game sound effects]

We should probably talk a little now.Do we have to?

Well, that's sort of why you're here.

That sucked! Where'd that flamethrower come from?

Malcolm,

I want you to feel relaxed here.

Now, school's really stressful and can be pretty demanding.

This could be...

this could be a safe place for you to unwind.

DABNEY: Not the face! Not the face!

[punch lands, bells jingle]

Could I... unwind... four or five times a week?

Maybe. What would we talk about?

I don't know where to begin.

I really don't.

Well, that was quite an episode you had in class.

Did you want to talk about that?

No.

You'll just think it's stupid.

Nothing you ever say in here will be stupid.

But all I ever do is make mistakes.

I feel like I don't even deserve to beat my own high score.

Oh, yes, you do, Malcolm.

Thank you so much.

The tricky part is, I need to keep this up

without being put on medication.

Underpants! In a closet!

Human underpants!

I must not threaten you people enough!

Oh, my Lord.

Skittles!

[laughs]

You've been missing for years.

You missed a great assembly.

I can't believe it.

They actually gave us fruit to throw at the Krelboynes.

What were they thinking?

Don't you ever get tired of making their lives miserable?

Nope. Besides, I want them to remember who's boss.

When they're living in their mansions

with their supermodel wives,

they're going to know--

the guy cleaning their pool kicked their ass.

Hey.

I had six tomatoes with your name on them.

Where were you?

None of your business.

Maybe it's Mom's business.

I ditched to go to the arcade.

Don't tell Mom.

The arcade's closed.

Not the one at the mall.

Wait a minute...

I cansmell my own breath.

You throw the ball around the post;

it swings back and knocks down the pins, okay?

I was good.

I was real good.

All right, now, don't be upset

if the first time you throw it, nothing hap...

Wow!

[laughing]: That was... that was a flopper!

Ooh, man! Oh, man!

That was, that was a lucky shot, okay?

Now, the real key

to Skittles is the release point, all right?

When you release the ball,

make sure that it goes through on a parallel...

I can't believe it!

This collar's so crisp, yet it doesn't chafe.

And these sheets...

it's like sleeping on a cloud.

My pleasure, guys.

Dude...

thank you.

I've been hoping for months

that my rash was from the laundry.

Turns out it was.

Thanks.

Glad I could help.

Here, this is for you.

No, Joe, you don't have to.

I insist.

Wow.

Well, that was nice of you.

Hey, would you mind tossing in some of my civilian stuff

with the academy rags?

Oh, I'd love to, but I'm really swamped down here.

Well, yeah, whatever.

Guess I could find some time for your stuff.

Hey... thanks, man.

No, no, no, you don't have to...

You're the best.

Go.

Ha-cha!

Garbage! In a closet!

Coffee grounds? Hal!

Lois, you've got to see this.

The boy's a prodigy. Go.

Yes.

LOIS: Who are the Petersons?

Why do we have their photo albums?

Here we go.

Now.

Amazing!

Hi, Malcolm. How was school?

It was normal.

Yeah, I'd say normal.

Very medieval.

Is that a truck tire?

What?!

Oh, my G... Hal!

♪

Um, Malcolm...

I wanted you to know how proud I am of you.

Admitting you needed help is the hardest step.

No, keeping up with all

the new cognitive and behavioral therapies

is the hardest step, Lloyd.

My self-worth is still skyrocketing.

Okay, everybody...

tomorrow's looming demonstration

has been canceled.

Instead, we will be going to see a reenactment

of the slaughter of French troops

at Azincourt

followed by a visit to the Museum of Torture...

and then pizza.

Museum of Torture?

That's awesome.

Do they have a gift shop?

I'm sorry, Malcolm. You can't go.

You've a dentist appointment.

You're lucky you're not going.

My brother went last year,

and there was so much fake blood

that he fainted.

I think it's time I had a major breakthrough in therapy.

Then a butterfly landed on my wrist and I woke up.

What color was that butterfly?

It was either blue or purple.

Definitely not red or orange.

That I can remember.

Your dream, Malcolm, is so...

so tranquil and soothing.

This is, this is encouraging.

Yeah? Mm-hmm.

Yep, you're starting to relax.

I think I might be, too.

I need to seem cured,

but to leave the door open for a relapse

when we start ballet next semester.

I know I'll have my ups and downs,

but right now it feels good to be happy.

Well, I'm glad to hear it,

and I think we've made a lot of progress.

Thanks, Ms. Gilbert.

I like myself now.

And I know I couldn't have said that on Tuesday.

What are you doing here?

I figured out your scam.

It turns out

crazy runs in the family.Reese...

you don't know what you're doing.

You're going to ruin everything.

Relax. I've got it covered.

I'm ready to see you now, Reese.

[gravelly voice]: Reese isn't here right now.

This is Davey.

That's ten in a row.

Oh, Lois, he's got the gift.

Since the end of the big war,

there's only been one documented triple consecutive flopper

in English Alley Skittles.

You know what this means?

I finally have something to rub in the face

of that blowhard Higgins and his little tennis champion.

What are you talking about?

Oh, he's constantly harping about his kid

winning this tournament,

winning that tournament.

Going to the White House.

I'm taking Dewey over there

to shut that guy up once and for all.

Hey, you ready to shut that guy up

once and for all, son?

What guy?He's ready.

Hal, you're just doing this

to get out of cleaning out that closet.

Not entirely.

Let's go, son.

What happened?

Did you get caught?

Where were you?

Geez. You're always so angry.

Maybe you really do need therapy.

What I needis for you not to ruin everything for me.

Do you know how much trouble we'll be in if we get caught?

With Mom? With the school?

With Mom?

Give me a little credit, psycho.

I've been doing my own research.

See, I rented Silence of the Lambs,

Seven,and The Nutty Professor.

Oh, God.

Reese, tell me exactly what you told her.

Nope. That's confidential.

Now, which one do you like more?

Hannibal Lecter or the hockey mask?

[knocking]

Malcolm, Reese.

What do you have to say for yourselves?

Don't blame Reese. Blame Davey.

Ow! Ow, ow.

Ow!

I'm sorry it's last minute, but I need these tonight.

I got another date with Rebecca.

Okay...

Seven items... 30 bucks.

I don't have that kind of money.

Last time it cost ten.

You can cut me some slack, can't you?

I'd love to do you a solid, Eric, but I'm booked,

and it would be unethical to play favorites.

You can't do this to me.

I need to wear my bowling shirt.

Rebecca loves my bowling shirt.

Francis, I don't have the money.

Well, then, you don't have the clothes.

Got to pay to be a player.

Look at yourself.

I remember the Francis who cared about his job.

A cap and a half of fabric softener, Francis.

Remember that?

A cap and a half!

If you'll excuse me, I have some ironing to do.

I can't believe him.

Yeah. I had to give him three CDs

just to get my dress blues pressed.

I think it's time somebody taught that guy a lesson.

Yeah.

We'll make him wear a lame T-shirt.

Or we could put it in a load of whites.

Just follow me.

So, my children are emotionally disturbed?

Oh, we don't like to use those labels.

I spent a whole week with Malcolm.

Really? A whole week.

Yes, and, uh...

to be honest, I think, I think there are

some, uh, definite issues

that you and he need to talk about.

Malcolm, you want to share

this drawing with your mother?

No, that's okay.

I like what you've done with my teeth.

There are some things

that Malcolm told me

that I think you should hear.

Oh, well, I'd love to hear them.

Go ahead, Malcolm.

Yeah, go ahead.

Everybody wants to help.

You're safe here.

About the anger thing?

Yeah.

Tell me about the anger thing.

When you're angry,

you bottle up your feelings

and you freeze me out with silence.

Well, I will, uh... I'll tryto be more vocal.

Go on.

Please.

I wish you would spend more time at home

and less time at the...

the racetrack.

Well, I guess I'm going to have to change that, too.

Come on, Malcolm.

Tell her about the pressure.

Well...

I feel you put a lot of pressure on me,

and I can't live up to your expectations.

What pressure?

Maybe not. I don't know.

No, no, no. Go back. What were you saying?

Well, you put a lot of pressure on me, and stuff.

What do you mean? When do I pressure you?

All the time!

If it's not the extra-credit reports,

it's all the advanced classes you sign me up for,

and after that, I have

to help Reese and Dewey with their homework.

That's not pressure.

You know, I didn't ask to be born smart.

We just want you to live up to your potential.

That.That's exactly what I'm talking about.

I tried to stop him.

I said, "Hey, don't put that red T-shirt in there.

That's not colorfast."

But he just laughed.

He said pink was a better color

'cause that's what "little, weak girls wear."

We've looked everywhere else.

He's in here somewhere.

Shh, shh!

JOE: Francis?

FRANCIS: No.

It's okay, Dewey.

Even the best of them have off-days.

Uh-huh.

16 misses in a row.

Some people might think you did it on purpose.

Huh.

Hey...

There something you want to tell me, son?

I don't want to do this anymore.

It's boring.

You'd be giving up

what might very well be your one true talent.

You could be another Chap Sanders, hmm?

Son, are you willing to turn your back on your destiny?

Yeah. Can I go now?

All right, if that's what you want.

Wait.

Can you throw it for me one more time? Hmm?

One last flopper for your old dad?

No.

All right, then.

I'm sorry.

Oh, no, don't be.

I'm the one who should apologize.

No, you guys just want what's best for me. I know that.

Oh, we do. We love you.

I love you, too.

[all weeping]

Mom?

You really pissed me off

when you took away my hockey stick

'cause I was hitting Dewey with it.

I know you're sorry.

I'll go in the attic and take it down later.

Another Peterson box.

Ooh. This is from the '60s.

Huh. I forgot LBJ had his gall bladder out.

I don't understand.

Didn't we clean out this closet when we moved in?

Apparently not.

Oh, for crying out loud.

They left an old toilet.

[flushing]

This is a bathroom.

We have a second bathroom!

Shh.

If we don't tell them, they won't know.

It'll just be our little secret.

Our beautiful little secret.

[both laughing]

Here.

Yeah.