Original subtitles

Hey, is his stick bigger than my stick?

I don't know. They're just sticks.

Yeah,

but why does he get the better stick?

I always get the crappy sticks.

Why is everything of mine so lame?

I never have anything nice.

My life sucks!

Give me that.

(crying)

Sometimes things just have a way of working out.

* Yes, no, maybe

* I don't know

* Can you repeat the question?

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* You're not the boss of me now *

* And you're not so big

* Life is unfair.

REESE: I don't see why we need a babysitter.

Yeah. Dad's convention is only for two days.

How can you not trust us?

Well, it's still not fair.

I trust you to be on your own.

Babysitter's not going to be here for two hours.

Don't do anything.

(door closes) HAL: Honey, let's roll.

The meet-and-greet's at 6:30, and I don't want to be late.

Bye-bye.

See what happens?

We told her we didn't want a babysitter,

and she didn't listen.

Now someone innocent has to suffer.

What's that?

It's the cesspool.

We have a pool? It's the sewage from the house.

It flows into this pit and is decomposed

by anaerobic bacteria.

Hurry up. It stinks.

Nice.

Come on, she's going to be here any second.

Sorry. I had to put the "lemonade"

in the refrigerator.

Maybe we scared her off.

*

Hi, guys. I'm Patty.

I'm your babysitter.

Uh... will you excuse us for a second?

Gee, I sure hope Barbara and Tom can make it this year.

They are such a fun couple.

Well, I'm sure Jack Keneally will be there.

Oh, honey, why don't you just say something to him

instead of stewing about it?

I mean, talking to me is not going to solve anything,

and it's obviously just eating away at you.

I'm over that.

No, you are not.

It's all you ever talk about whenever we go to this thing--

how Keneally stole your idea

to improve efficiency by four percent on the R8-698.

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

Honey, you're obsessed.

I am not obsessed.

I just hate that smug look that he always gives me.

And those beady little eyes. (chuckles)

I ever tell you the story about

how he finagled his parking spot?

Yeah, about a thousand times, but it doesn't matter

because I'm sure you're going to tell me again.

Okay, first, he was assigned a space in "C" lot, all right?

But that wasn't good enough for him.

Not for Keneally! No...

So, what do you guys want for a snack?

Excuse me?

Well, I can make you popcorn

or bake us some chocolate chip cookies.

But Mom says the oven doesn't work.

You guys are just so cute!

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Malcolm, how's it going?

Listen, I need you to do me a favor.

There's 200 or 300 fake I.D.s

hidden behind the washing machine.

Now, with Mom gone,

it's safe to transfer them to the garage.

Francis, I really can't do that right now.

What? What are you talking about?

Francis? Is that Francis?

Tell him it's Patty Henderson from eighth grade algebra.

Patty Henderson says hi.

Oh, my God!

Patty Henderson is your babysitter?

Here, let me talk to him.

Don't let her...

Hi.

Hi, Patty.

Can't believe I'm talking to you.

You probably don't even remember me.

Hi, Francis.

Hi, Patty.

(school bell ringing)

Yeah, of course I remember you.

How's it...? What's that, Joe?

You got to use the phone?

I'm sorry, Patty. I got to go. Bye.

(sighs)

Francis is so great.

He was the only boy who was ever nice to me.

Come on, guys, she's not that fat.

(sighs) What a sweetheart.

And so cute.

Yeah. I'm a lot like him.

Tell you what. Before dinner, why don't we all

straighten up the house together?

Good idea! Sure!

Great!

(woman speaking indistinctly over P.A.)

Look. I think they're giving away free beach towels

at the QVHLPPS booth. BARBARA: Yoo-hoo!

Hey, there's Barbara and Tom.

And there's Keneally.

Oh, for God's sake, Hal.

You've got to get over this.

Just go over there and talk to him.

Just clear the air.

Okay, okay. Going.

(both grunting)

What do you do when you've got an incredible woman

in your bedroom?

En... chan... te.

It's the best I could come up with

given the parameters.

Well, it's great meeting you guys.

Would you like anything?

They're fine.

Okay. Well, have fun.

She's a trophy babysitter.

Tuck me... in.

I wonder if she knows how to keep kosher.

REESE: What is wrong with you?

How can you do this?

What are you talking about?

You invited them over here to gawk at Patty

like she's some piece of meat?

Mom and Dad paid good money for her.

She's ours! We're leaving.

He's not going to do anything with her in the house.

Wow! She's like kryptonite.

So... this is Reesie's blankie?

It's darling.

I guess suddenly there's no such thing as tomorrow.

All I have are singles. Just...

(sniffles)

I always felt so sorry for Patty.

And she had this wild crush on me.

She used to follow me around, waddling,

her big arms jiggling.

I mean, she was nice--

I didn't want to hurt her feelings--

but what are you supposed to do

when somebody really gross thinks you're cute?

You really got a couple of good shots in.

Look, I'm just embarrassed about the whole thing.

Hey, he stole your idea.

How often do you come up with an idea

to increase efficiency by four percent?

At least you made him scream like a girl.

No, that was me.

I don't know what got into Hal.

I've never seen him act that way before.

At least, not without any provocation.

Or with witnesses.

Men are animals.

Or so I am told.

Are you drunk already?

I'm not wasting any time.

I got to get back to the kids in 24 hours.

Lord, what an idiot I am.

I mean, these are people I work with.

They're going to think I'm a lunatic.

(sighs) I should apologize to Keneally.

BARBARA: Did you know that

you can audition male strippers

and you don't even have to hire them?

They're not that bright.

Oh, I was just going to get T-shirts for the boys, but...

(both grunting)

LOIS: That is enough!

Let go of his hair!

Hal, stop biting!

Ow! Ow! Ow! Ow!

Oh, for God's sake, Tom, do something.

I'll refill your drink.

Okay.

What?

What are you doing?

What are you doing?

Here you go.

Hungry?

I don't know what I am.

Dewey!

Come on, guys, eat.

These potatoes are heavenly.

Thank you.

So, yesterday, in my gifted class--

I'm not bragging that I'm gifted,

that's just what they call the class--

we studied bovine spongiform encephalitis.

It's mad cow disease.

It started because they were grinding up dead cows

to feed them to the other cows.

Basically, the prions turn their brains into soup

right in their skulls.

It's very similar to a disease

that afflicted a tribe of cannibals

because they feasted

on their victims' brains.

Hey, Patty, (clears throat)

I have a trick for you.

What's your address?

Um, 531 North Canton.

What's your favorite color?

I don't know. Blue, I guess.

Mine, too.

(gulping air)

(deep, burping voice): Hello, Patty Henderson of 531 North Canton

whose favorite color is blue just like...

(coughing)

I can dance. Want me to show you?

Okay.

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee, boop bee *

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee, boo *

* Boop bee, boop bee

* Boop bee, boop bee *

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee, boo *

* Boop bee, boop bee

* Boop bee, bee... *

This is just embarrassing.

* Boop bee, boo

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee... *

Oh, my God, you little angel.

That is the cutest thing.

* Boop bee, boo

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee *

* Boo bee...

Why are we doing the dishes anyways?

I don't know. Just shut up.

(Patty and Dewey laughing in distance)

All right!

Oh!

I'll get it.

Keeps going under the bed.

Oh, there it is.

Here, let me just wiggle it a little more.

Oh, my God, I just

pushed it in even farther.

Oh, got it.

Oh, wait, what's this?

Okay. Now you're all squeaky clean.

Now go put on your pajamas.

(laughs)

Hi, guys.

All right, drop the cute stuff.

What cute stuff?

You! Standing there with your big eyes

and your dopey voice.

I have to resist hugging you myself.

I'm not doing anything.

Yeah? Then what's that?

Nothing.

You were going to make her a card?

No.

You like glitter, Dewey?

Dewey?

This is the way he is.

He's a walking disaster area.

(sighs)

Guess who needs another bath?

Come on, you.

Now, not so much ice this time.

I'm not cold.

Hey, why don't you pay for dinner, since we got parking.

You're taking advantage of me because I'm drunk?

Yeah.

I wish he would.

Okay.

I hope you're proud of yourself.

I can't help it.

I don't know what it is.

It's like the guy gives off some kind of scent.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up,

and I want to tear him apart.

I would never have the courage to do what Hal did.

Oh, sure, occasionally I'll yell at someone.

It's always with the car window rolled up.

Can I just say thank you?

Tom, don't encourage him.

I'm just saying, I'd do what Hal did if I could.

But you can't because you're a coward.

That's my point.

And I've got Mr. Sorenson for math.

Do you think that guy ever changes his pants?

'Cause I don't think so.

Really?

Listen to me rambling on and on.

I have completely lost track of time.

Uh, this call? About 97 minutes.

It's been so great talking to you.

Yeah, yeah, you, too.

You were always so nice to me.

Ah, well, you deserve it, you know.

You're a nice person.

I'm wearing one of your shirts.

I was going to sleep in it tonight.

I hope you don't mind.

No, no.

Anyway, um...

I-I don't know quite how to say this,

so I'm just going to say it.

I think you're really special.

And, um, well...

I heard you were going to be home in a couple of weeks,

and, well, my parents are going to be out of town,

and I thought maybe you could come over

and we could... you know.

Listen, Patty, I have to say this,

and I am sorry, but I don't want to lead you on.

I am so not physically attracted to you.

Like, at all.

I think of you as a friend.

Uh-huh.

Oh, Patty, see, now I hurt your feelings.

I know this may be really hard for you to believe,

but there is someone out there

who will find you physically attractive.

And you'll find him, and when you do...

Look, I get it, Francis.

Okay, someone's out there for me, and it's not you!

That's the spirit.

(sighs)

You had to do it, man.

It's tough when you're their one shot at happiness.

This is going to send her straight to the fridge.

Hey, Patty, want to play video hockey?

Um, not right now. (sniffles)

Hey, where are you going?

To find out what's wrong and make her feel better.

No. I'll go find out what's wrong and make her feel better.

You'll just make her more upset.

I happen to be sensitive.

You're stupid and a creep.

I'll kick your ass!

Say I can make her feel better!

No!

DEWEY: * Boop bee

* Boop bee, boop bee, boo *

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee, boo *

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee, boo... *

You are so sweet.

* Boop bee, boop bee

* Boop bee, boop bee, boop bee, boo... *

He's cute.

I hate him for being cute.

I don't feel so good.

Maybe it was the oysters.

Uh-huh. Hal, do you have the...

Where's Hal?

(grunting, shouting)

I used to have a Rottweiler like this.

Excuse me.

I can't believe she's sleeping in the bed right down the hall.

I can't sleep.

He's not that cute.

(screaming)

What's the matter?

I'm scared.

I had a nightmare. (sniffling)

Oh, you poor baby.

Want to sleep with me?

Okay, come on.

All righty.

(whimpering softly)

I don't believe it.

I'm supposed to be the genius, and I'm being outsmarted

by a kid who can't even tie his own shoes.

We can't let him get away with this.

We're taking him down.

Would you stop this, please?!

You are humiliating me in front of my friends!

(Barbara retching)

I'm okay.

(retching)

You are both middle-aged men.

You are too old and too weak to accomplish anything here!

It's too late! Something snapped!

I'm way past the point of no return.

We're talking primal animal urges!

I'm going to let nature take its course and kill him!

In 30 seconds,

I am going to instruct these men to let you go.

Thank you, Lois. Thank you.

And then you will have a choice.

You can indulge your primal urges with him, or...

...you can come back to the motel

and indulge your primal urges with me.

Don't trivialize my anger, Lois!

I mean, there are some things

that you just don't try to talk people out of.

I have a legitimate situation here.

I know, baby.

(shouting)

(sighs)

It's working.

Okay, I'll hold him,

you put the tape over his mouth.

Then we'll take him to the garage.

Where did he go?

There he is.

Come to papa.

He locked us out!

Dewey, come to bed.

Okay.

Great.

What are we supposed to do now?

(screams)

(liquid sloshing)

Oh, my God, what is this stuff?!

Well, at least the night wasn't a total loss.

Oh, geez. Oh, what is that?