Original subtitles

This programme contains some strong language and adult humour

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Mrs Brown's Boys!

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes

# Our Mrs Brown. #

Mm. SHE SIGHS

Well?

Give me a minute, Cathy, I, need to let my taste buds, you know, savour

the flavour and allow my palate to excite the various ingredients, mm.

For God's sake, Mammy.

That is shite.

Fine, try this one next. OK.

Cathy, I don't know why you're making such a big fuss of this,

it's just a meal. Just a meal?

DOORBELL RINGS I'll get it, it might be him.

MOCKING: "I'll get it, it might be him."

Hiya, Winnie. Hi, Agnes, love.

Here, what's all this?

Oh, Cathy's cooking a meal for the new date

and she's trying to pick a sauce.

Oh, well, I'm going to try a bit of that.

Not that one, Agnes, it has no taste.

Yeah, because that's the bowl I wash me fingers in.

It did have a taste of fish off it.

Was it him? No, postman. Oh.

How are you, Cathy, love? Hello, Mrs McGoogan.

So, Mammy, which one is your favourite? Oh, Mark, of course.

The sauces, Mammy, which of the sauces? Mark is lovely.

Yeah, he is lovely, yeah. Which one? Fine!

That one if you're doing fish and that one if you're doing beef.

I'm doing pasta.

Oh, well, then something Italian like, maybe, soy sauce.

That's Chinese.

But Chinese is nice, I love chicken's balls.

Winnie, it's chicken balls.

Oh. Otherwise the servings would be only tiny, you know?

You two are useless! Cathy, why are you making a big fuss?

It's just a date.

I know, but I really like this

fella, and he has two lovely daughters. Aw.

Ah, he's married? He's a widower, he lost his wife two years ago.

BOTH: Oh, Lord rest her.

And he always goes on about what a wonderful cook his wife was.

Oh, Cathy, take my advice, do not

try and compete with another man's wife.

Especially one that's dead. BOTH: Lord rest her.

Cathy, it's been my experience that it doesn't matter what you

feed them as long as when they've finished eating it you

give them a nice b...

No, no, Winnie, no, no. A nice b... Winnie, do not.

..blueberry pie!

Oh. Concentrate on the dessert, love. Well, you were no help.

And you are welcome. She's uptight.

I know. The only time I'd put that amount of effort into cooking

for a man if I was trying to poison him.

THEY LAUGH

Here, Agnes, you did a great job of redecorating the house.

Oh, thanks, Winnie, yeah.

Well, listen, I asked you how many rolls of wallpaper you

got for your sitting room and you said seven.

That's right. Yeah, I got seven and I had two left over. So did I!

PHONE BEEPS

Oh, what's this? I'd better go,

Sharon can't find the shaving cream.

Oh, is she going to shave her legs? No, her chest.

It's a card from me cousin in Liverpool, asking for money,

always asking for money.

I hope you're having a nice Christmas, we are.

Oh, Your Majesty, you will be missed.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

Not like me cousin in Liverpool.

Look at this, Happy Christmas from Finglas Hardware Store.

Now, ten years ago, I bought some cable ties, duct tape, a shovel

and a bag of lime off them, don't ask, and every year

since, they've sent me a Christmas card and a little calendar.

I don't even get a Christmas card every year from me kids.

AUDIENCE: Aw!

I know, and I spent hours pushing them out of me froufrou.

Hee-haw! Hee-haw!

Hello, boys. Happy Christmas, Ma. Happy Christmas, Son.

Happy Christmas, Mrs Brown. And a Happy Christmas to you, Buster.

You want tea, Dermot? Yes, please, Ma.

Oh, and for you, Buster, ha-ha.

I got you an amazing Christmas tree, Mrs Brown. How much?

Usual, but this is a magic Christmas tree. Really?

A magic Christmas tree? Yeah, you know what that means?

Yeah, it was stolen from a magician.

No, not a magician. But stolen?

No comment.

Anyway, you can only see this tree

if everybody in the house is pure of heart and believes in Santa Claus.

Aw, that sounds like...bullshit.

Erm, no, really, you need to be pure of heart

and B-E-L...B-E-F...

..belief.

I think it's a scam.

Buster, do not have me visiting hospitals over the Christmas.

To see who? You!

Look, I may have a reputation of being a soft-spoken, genteel lady...

What?

..but do not mess with me. You won't like me when I turn green. Oomph.

GROWLS: I'm the Hulk.

Hulk.

It's the Hulk.

Agnes, did I tell you me nephew came home from America for a visit?

No, you didn't. Well, he did. Oh, did you meet him at the airport?

No.

God, I've known him years, since he was a child.

Agnes? What?

I'm going to say something that might sound odd. Oh, I'm in shock.

I bumped into Cathy yesterday, with the boyfriend.

Oh, yeah, yeah, erm, Boris, yeah.

Do you think Cathy's fella might be...

..a vampire?

Don't be ridiculous, Winnie! They don't exist!

Fuck's sake.

Well, I think he might have fangs.

Winnie, will you stop it? Where do you get your ideas?

Have you met him?

No, not yet, but Cathy says she likes him, and that'll do me.

What if he turns into a bat?

Will you stop, Winnie? Well... What?

Nothing. Good, cos I'm running out of fuckin' drink.

Hold him steady, Mrs Brown. Argh!

You work on your end, all right?

Give it to him. Ah! Ah-ha-ha! Ooh, oh, oh! Are you done?

Can I release him?

Not yet, that was just his flu injection,

I could've easily given it to him in the arm.

Yeah, yeah, but it wouldn't have been as much fun.

No, no, no, sit. Gently, gently, gently, sit down. Argh! Oh, oh, oh!

Here, you just missed the Grandad rodeo.

That's all of his injections now, he's had the Covid booster,

he's had the shingles, and he's had the flu, he's had them all.

That's them all, Grandad!

You'll soon be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.

It was worth the rodeo. If it was a rodeo, I could buck you!

And buck you, too!

Oh, hello, girls. Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hi, Betty.

Hiya, Mrs Brown. Hi, Grandad!

Buck you, too!

What's wrong with him?

Oh, don't mind him, he has worms. Do you want tea? No, thanks.

No, we just dropped in, we're on our way to do some serious shopping.

Oh, so what brings you down? Oh, this. Oh, what's this?

Oh, Cathy's cooking a meal for the new boyfriend,

she's looking for inspiration.

I'll give her inspiration, shag him and get some takeaway.

Right, we're off. Betty, don't make yourself at home, come on.

Oh, here, Betty, before you go,

I want to give you something for Bono.

Now, here, give him that, tell him I sent it, it's his favourite.

Not any more. Why not?

Well, apparently the wrappers are destroying the oceans,

and the chocolate comes from farmers who are exploited,

and the cows' farts are destroying the planet.

It's a bar of chocolate, not a nuclear buckin' bomb.

Tell me about it, he's talking about joining

Greenpeace during his summer holidays.

Oh. You just missed the girls. Maria left a book for you.

Yeah, yeah, whatever.

Calm down, Cathy, have you got your ingredients?

Yeah, he's picking me up any minute, cross your fingers for me.

Oh! Don't forget your chicken breasts in the fridge. Oh, God, yes.

DOORBELL RINGS It's him, it's Boris!

Relax, I'll let him in, you concentrate on your breasts.

Oh, and don't forget your chicken.

DOOR CREAKS, WIND HOWLS

FOOTSTEPS ECHO

Are you Boris? Yes, I'm Boris!

Oh, well, how do you do? That's a foggy night out there.

Fog?

Oh, I didn't notice. Oh, this is Grandad.

Is he dead?

No, not yet, but nearly.

Hello, darling. All set?

I think so. I'm looking forward to it. Good.

I hope your twins like chicken.

Oh, they'd eat anything.

CHUCKLES: Anything.

Good!

Erm, have you decided on what sauce? Garlic.

HE SPLUTTERS

Oh, lovely.

Excuse me. Do you know something? I've been thinking.

Really? And you still picked her?

Mammy, please! Erm, I'm just kidding.

What, Boris? What were you thinking?

I think that tonight maybe it should just be the two of us.

You want me to cook for just two?

No, no, let's just you and me have a nice drink and a nice

romantic night.

Oh, that sounds nice, maybe a Christmas drink?

A drink. Anyway, I'm not a big fan of Christmas. Oh, really?

So you think all that Christmas stuff is a myth?

Well, not all of it, no, but, I mean, a jolly fat man

coming down the chimney in the middle of the night?

SCOFFS: Ha! Mm! Mm!

Yeah, well, I understand, you're a widower,

my first few Christmases were dreadful.

As a widow? No, as a wife.

But what about the meal and your girls?

Yeah, well, I will phone the baby-sitter and...

..and who needs food on a beautiful night like tonight?

It's pissing rain and fog out there.

Yeah, well, I'm sure the food will keep

and you can cook on another night.

What do you think, Mammy, will the chicken keep?

I don't know, love, we're halfway through this episode, erm, I dunno.

You go on, have a good night.

Where could we go that would be a nice, intimate night,

just, just me and you?

May I suggest our local, Foleys? You won't be disturbed there.

Follow me!

Sing up!

Would you like to dance, Bozo?

It was so awful, Mammy!

Cathy, how was I to know that Barbara was having the

Wash and Blow Christmas party last night in Foleys?

It can't have been that bad. It was!

Dermot kept at Boris to sing, Buster kept picking Boris's pocket,

then giving him back his wallet, then picking it again.

Mark got Boris in a headlock, demanding that he marry me...

Oh. ..and I think Dr Flynn kissed Boris, tongues and all.

Urgh. It was awful! Oh.

Hi, Winnie. Hiya, love.

SHE MUMBLES

No, no, no, a disaster last night,

with the boyfriend, a disaster.

What? Go on, I'll tell you later. No, I'll tell you later.

Fuck off!

Winnie, just sit down!

What's wrong, Cathy? Have you been dumped again?

No, I haven't been dumped again, Winnie, thank you.

Erm, well, not yet, anyway. Mammy!

Mind you, after last night, maybe.

Ah, yeah, Sharon said last night the

Wash and Blow party was a great night!

It was not a great night!

Yeah, she said that. It was awful.

Cathy, I'm sure he's had worse nights than last night.

I mean, he's been married before.

Yeah, and I'm divorced so we've both been there,

maybe you're right, Mammy.

Ah, now, you're divorced. Winnie. I said before, we don't go there.

Don't mention the war, eh?

Winnie, that's a whole different sitcom altogether. Sorry.

When are you seeing Bosch again?

It's Boris. We were supposed to go to the pictures tonight,

but his baby-sitter let him down.

Sure, your mammy will look after them, won't you, Agnes?

I beg your pardon? Would you, Mammy?

He could drop the girls off when he's picking me up.

Of course she will! Sure, you're not doing anything else, are you?

I don't know, Winnie, I might be plotting the murder of my friend.

Oh, well, that won't take long.

Would you, Mammy?

Of course I will, no problem.

Aw, thanks, that's great, I'll call him now! Aw.

Thanks for that. Ah, you're welcome. SCOFFS: Yeah.

So, Winnie, you should enter the competition in the Northside People,

it's called the Mind Your Own Fuckin' Business competition.

Would you stop, Agnes? You know you would do anything for your kids.

I suppose you're right. Yeah.

At one time, me and Redser decided we didn't want any kids of our own.

What changed your mind? Nobody would take them.

Do I switch it on?

No, not yet. Nearly finished, Mrs Brown! OK, Buster.

Right, OK, Blister, switch it on.

AUDIENCE: Woo!

Now, repeat after me,

"I do believe, I do believe," and then just make a wish.

No, I'm going to see Santa later, I'm going to make him

an offer he can't refuse.

I love you, Son!

Right, come on. Mrs Brown! We're finished.

Oh, good man, there you go, Buster. It's all there.

DOOR SHUTS Who's that?

Just us, Mammy. Oh, you two are a bit early.

Oh, no, no, no, we haven't even picked the girls up from after music

school yet, I just wanted to come

and tell you how grateful I am to you for baby-sitting.

All right. No problem.

Oh, hello. How are ye? HE LAUGHS

This is my son, Blister.

Ah, how do you do, erm, Blister? How are ye?

Mm. Right, we'll be off, then!

Hang on, Boris. Buster - wallet?

Gosh!

HE LAUGHS

My wristwatch? Buster?

I didn't take his watch. Well, it's definitely gone!

Sorry.

Way to go, Son! I love you!

All right, next, I'm going to show you the three-card trick.

Right, well, I'm going to try to get myself a little nap.

Well, we'll drop the girls off and we'll ask them

not to make too much noise until you wake up.

Not at all, I'll be well awake by the time they get here.

Come on, Boris, let's go. I'll show yous out.

I want to show you me tree.

The lying bastard!

What's wrong, Mammy?

I've been duped by Buster again, there's no tree.

I'll fucking kill him. You should know better.

Go have your nap, we can deal with Buster later.

So what movie are you going to see? Oh, I don't know, a horror, maybe?

Oh, no, maybe a Christmas comedy. Same thing.

Mwah-ha-ha-ha-ha!

Ha-ha-ha, ah-ha-ha-ha.

SCOFFS: Ha-ha-ha-ha.

SHE SIGHS

Sometimes, I don't know where she gets them.

What the fu...? What's that?

It's a Christmas tree, you stupid woman!

I know it's a Christmas tree, but where did it come from?

Well, let me guess, I'd say, erm, a forest?

Meh, meh!

I must be losing me mind.

Sure, I could've told you that, stupid, stupid woman.

DOOR OPENS

Who's that? What's wrong? Nothing, Boris just forgot his cane.

Yeah, sorry about that. Oh, I'm glad yous came back,

and now yous can have a look at me...

Your what?

Nothing. See you later, Mammy. See you later.

DOOR SHUTS

Maybe I AM having flashbacks to when I was in Vietnam.

I think it was Phnom Penh.

Oh, don't talk to me about Phnom Penh - the battles, the nights.

Oh, God, worst holiday I was ever on.

I'm going through the change of life.

Again.

This'll be me fourth time.

You know, it's not...

Ah, for feck's sake!

Now, let me get this right, the Christmas tree was there?

SHE MUMBLES

Then it wasn't? Puff! Then it was?

SHE MUMBLES

But then it wasn't?

It was...it...vamoose! Exactly.

That Christmas tree there, the one I'm looking at right now?

I'm afraid to look, is it still there. Yes, Granny, it's there.

Granny, I learned about this at school,

it's called hyper-stress hallucination.

There you go, Ma, nothing serious. No, Dad, it is.

Granny, what you need to do is get some rest, plenty of rest.

Thank you, Bono, love. He's right, Ma, it will pass.

Do you want a cup of tea, Bono?

Is it ethically sourced from a sustainable tea plantation?

No, no, it was ethically sourced from buckin' Tesco's. Nah.

Your mammy tells me

you're thinking about going with some eco warriors this summer.

Yeah, I want to do my bit to save the planet.

Oh, that'll be nice, you might get to meet that lovely girl,

erm, Greta Thornbush, lovely.

Thunberg.

Oh. And, yeah, she's one of my heroes, she's determined to

undo the damage that your generation have done to the planet.

I beg your pardon? I'm just saying. What are you just saying, Bono?

I'm just saying that your generation didn't really

care about the environment back then.

In the Dark Ages? You know what I mean. Yous didn't care. Here we go.

Well, you're probably right, love, we didn't care,

but we did bring our milk bottles and our mineral bottles back to the

shop, and they'd send them back to be washed and sanitised and reused

again and again, yeah, but you're right, we didn't really care, yeah.

I'm not saying you, Granny, I'm just saying... In my day, we washed the

babies' nappies, we didn't throw one out every time a baby had a shit!

And we didn't have a 2,500-watt dryer to dry them in, no,

we hung them on the line! I suppose you could say

we used solar power and wind power to dry our washing.

Look, all I'm saying is... And I tell you something else,

we drank water out of the tap,

we didn't buy plastic bottles of water, no, and we didn't send

a signal out to space for 1,000 miles to order a buckin' pizza!

We walked down to the chipper!

But you're probably right, Son, we didn't care,

not like your generation.

Are you sure you don't want tea? No, thanks.

Come on, Dad, I'm going.

Good idea, Son. See you later, Ma. See you, love, see you, Bono.

Tell Greta I said hello.

SHE SNORES AND MUTTERS

Oh, oh, God!

SHE GROANS

I didn't expect to sleep that long.

BOTH: Hello, Mrs Brown.

ARGH!

What the hell? I'm trying to sleep, woman!

BOTH: Hello, Grandad. Sorry, did we wake you?

HE MOANS

You must be Boris's daughters?

Make yourselves comfortable.

BOTH: Thank you.

Oh, God. I got the fright of me feckin' life there.

ARGH!

A little bit of wee just came out there.

BOTH: We fixed your table.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

How did yous do that?

BOTH: We like fixing things.

Mother of God!

BOTH: Merry Christmas, Mrs Brown.

No, no, I will not touch that till you wash it, no.

Mammy, Mammy...

Argh! Leave me alone, leave me alone!

Mammy, it's me and Boris.

Oh, the girls, where's the girls?

They're in the car. They were asleep, too,

I carried them there, they had a great time, thank you so much!

Great time? Goodnight, Cathy. Goodnight, Boris.

Mwah-ha...excuse me.

Thanks again, Mammy!

Cathy, those girls are evil!

Mammy, those girls are seven, they don't even know what evil is!

Really? Really? Now, then, tell me this, what is that?

A coffee table.

Yes, but it was a coffee table that was smashed to bits

and then put back together again and they didn't even touch it!

Cathy, I'm telling you, there's something not right here.

Look, tree is here, Boris is gone, Boris is here, tree goes.

And they float, they float across the feckin'...they float.

Get real, Mammy,

it must've been their skateboards, they love those skateboards.

Cathy, I AM real, and skateboards, my arse. They floated across there,

they floated across the hatch. I'll show you, look!

Calm down, Mammy! I AM calm! Argh! Jesus!

Who owns that fuckin' skateboard?

# We wish you a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year! #

Hey, come on, join us, yous two.

Oh, I don't think so, we're good here, aren't we, Cathy?

Well, I wouldn't mind. Erm, no, no, no, we're fine, we're fine.

Look, Boris, you're going to have to accept that we like to have fun.

Yeah, we get a bit rowdy but that's just the way we are.

I suppose a bit of rowdiness among friends is OK.

Oh, no, Boris, we're not just friends, we're all family!

THEY CHEER Hit it there, Sharon!

MUSIC: We Are Family by Sister Sledge

# We are family

# I got all my sisters with me

# We are family

# Get up, everybody, and sing

# Everyone can see we're together as we walk on by

# And

# And we fly just like birds of a feather

# I won't tell no lies

# All

# All of the people around us, they say

# Can they be that close?

# Just let me state for the record

# We're giving love a in family dose

# We are family

# Hey, hey, hey, yeah!

# I got all my sisters with me... #

Come on, everybody!

# We are family

# Get up, everybody, and sing

# Sing it to me!

# We are family

# Get up, everybody, and sing

# We are family. #

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, this is a timely reminder that most

accidents in the home happen around Christmas.

SHE CHUCKLES

I can vouch for that because I had two of them, Dermot AND Trevor.

It's been a weird year, you know, with celebrations and loss.

I feel sorry for Cathy's Boris and his loss.

I can remember back then, being in the church, surrounded

by friends, but feeling all alone.

ALL: Aw!

It was a sad day, I cried a little,

and the priest looked at me, and I looked at him, and I said, "I do".

We got outside and the people were throwing some rice at us,

it was lovely, except Winnie was throwing rice

and it was still in the fuckin' tin.

And then me waters broke and, well, here we are.

SHE CHUCKLES

I love Christmas, but it can be a lonely time for many people,

so pick up your phone and pick someone out of your contacts,

somebody that you haven't spoken to for a long time, call them

and just say, "Happy Christmas".

And also, be careful around

Christmas, I really mean it.

The worst accidents at Christmas happen in the home.

Happy Chris... Happy Chris... Ah, oh, shit!

# Say hello to the Queen of Dublin town

# As the best mum of all she wears the crown

# Mother hen watching all her chicks

# Sassy old lady full of tricks

# It's a safe bet she'd never let life get her down

# She's Mrs Brown Agnes

# That's Mrs Brown Agnes... #

Merry Christmas!

# Our Mrs Brown. #