Original subtitles

Pack that carefully.

It's a precious relic.

This is a travesty.

You know not what you do.

Just let him rest in peace.

A curse on whoever is responsible for this.

A curse upon their descendants.

She's beautiful, isn't she?

The centerpiece of my new farm-to-table menu,

the blue heirloom squash.

Grown from seed right here at Woodstone.

Have you ever seen anything like her?

Sam, do not leave that man alone with this vegetable.

Jay is very excited about the fall menu.

We really want to get the restaurant back on track.

Yeah, and since we don't have Satan

or any of his dark powers helping us,

I had to do something splashy.

Nothing more splashy than

old squash.

Guess who just sold four more tickets

to our first annual Halloween haunted house?

Bela. The answer is Bela.

She's also forcing the kitchen staff to work the event,

which warmed my labor-exploiting heart.

I still think it's crazy you're resorting

to a bunch of fake blood and verkakte costumes

when you got the real deal right here, baby. We're ghosts.

Yeah, but your guys' stuff isn't exactly scary.

- Excuse me? - Don't poke the ghosts, Sam.

Hey, I can move a Dixie cup a little bit

if I try real hard.

And my humming can be heard in the world of the living,

if the room tone is quiet enough.

And if you wait until Saint Patrick's Day...

Oh, why do I even bother?

Thor have the power to harness electricity.

Strike fear into the hardest of hearts.

Oh, was that Thor?

- Mm. - See?

Bela terrified.

Tremble before Thor.

Hey, Bela, thanks so much for taking the lead

with all the haunted house stuff.

Yeah. I just wish the house was a little spookier.

I mean, it's derelict,

that's good, but I feel like we could use some more

creepy decorations or something.

Oh, there's a bunch of creepy stuff in the basement.

We could bring some of that crap up here.

Excuse you, sir. Crap?

Jay, it was a little insensitive

to refer to Hetty's family heirlooms that way.

- Mm. - Insensitive?

Her husband tried to kill me and drag me to hell.

Come on, Sam.

You would never treat me like this.

I'm telling you, get rid of that thing, Sam.

Puree it, chuck it, just get it out of the damn house.

Gosh, I love a good haunted house.

The peeled grapes that are supposed to be eyeballs,

the zombie brains that are just cold spaghetti.

Oh, zombies are a trip, man.

Can you imagine being dead,

but still, like, walking around and stuff?

Yeah, that's really hard to picture.

Yeah, no matter what they do,

this home will never be more frightening

than the scariest house of all,

the U.S. House of Representatives.

'Cause of the dysfunction.

How wonderful it is to see you all.

Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood.

Well, it is Allhallows Eve,

which means we can bring back a ghost who's been sucked off

and I plan on bringing back Chris,

the sky-diving exotic dancer

- who stole my heart. - Right,

because he was sucked off, as we all remember and lament.

Right, guys?

That is the story that I heard and have no reason to question.

A-Although, um, here's the thing,

and you might not have been aware of this, Nigel, but

in order for a ghost to come back,

the Living who's doing the séance

must have an object that the ghost

had on their person when they died.

Oh, dear.

No, I didn't realize that was necessary.

Yes, and we don't have such an object,

so I guess there's nothing we can do except just go on

with our afterlives and never think of this again.

Oh.

What about the penis straws the stripper died with?

- Excuse me? - He was gonna pass them out

to the bachelorette party,

but then Sam took them off his dead body and kept them.

- Why would she do that? - I don't know.

She's a secret freak? Stop shaming her, you square.

Well, this is outstanding news.

Yes, so great.

Oh, thank you, Flower.

Hmm?

Oh, I shall go talk to Samantha forthwith.

It's been a hard few months,

but it appears my luck has started to turn.

Flower, what have you done?

You mean, like, ever?

That's a toughie.

Um, acid, quaaludes, I smoked a toad once.

No, I was lying when I said that Chris got sucked off.

As you all know, he floated away on his own accord,

and Nigel will be crushed when he finds out

and furious at me for deceiving him.

Oh, no. Okay.

I have to go find Samantha to get our stories straight.

I'm sorry, you smoked a toad?

Yeah, but if I didn't, he was gonna smoke me.

At least, that's what he told me after I smoked him.

What's this weird little clamp thing?

That's an elbow clip.

Well-bred children wore them during adolescence

to ensure their elbows stayed nice and pointy.

Oh, that's terrible.

Says the girl with the rounded baker's elbows.

I don't know what kind of theme Bela's working with here,

but this Egyptian stuff looks pretty real.

That because it is real.

There actual mummy in there.

We were the first in the county to have one,

which was very important as the Vanderbilts

had just acquired the skull of a pig boy.

Yeah, you can't be out pig-boy'ed.

Jay, apparently, that's a real mummy

in that sarcophagus, that Hetty somehow acquired.

Well, that doesn't sound like something we should have.

Still very cool, though.

We bought it from an unscrupulous antiquities dealer

in the early 1890s.

Back then, mummies were all the rage,

their wrappings a popular cure-all.

- She eat his toe. - Mm.

Thor watch. Was gross.

- People ate mummies? - Oh, yes.

Never did much for my insomnia, though to be fair, at the time,

I was consuming cocaine by the hillock.

Whoa, it comes with a manual.

Ooh, are these hieroglyphics?

I got an app for this.

He pays $29 a month for that,

and this is the first time he's used it.

"The Egyptian Book of the Dead."

Dope.

"Oh, thou Only One, who shinest from the Moon,

"when Tuat is opened to the gods,

"let me come forth to do his pleasure

upon Earth amidst the Living."

Greetings. I am Amunhotep.

Son of Horemheb and Meresankh.

Oh, my God.

What happened to its toe?

- I'm sorry, what just happened? - Uh, Jay,

when I just read that thing,

an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy.

What? How?

Perhaps I could shed some light on the matter.

The mummy is gonna explain.

Sorry, I'm Sam. I'm a Living,

but I can see and talk to ghosts.

My husband, Jay, can't.

Pretty hard "C" on that "can't" there, Sam.

Felt aggressive.

3,000 years ago, when I died,

the priest who was supposed to oversee

my mummification rituals was waylaid,

and his replacement was not

what you would call experienced.

You got a second-string priest. Continue.

The rituals were performed incorrectly, and as such,

my spirit was confined to my mummified corpse.

Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes,

this one is a doozy.

Much later, I was stolen from my tomb in Egypt

and transported to a strange land.

A despicable family known as the Woodstones

paraded me around like a trophy at their parties and even...

ate my toe.

Thor saw. Was gross.

Who is Thor?

Thor Thor.

Uh, how did you learn English?

I was unable to see my surroundings,

but from inside my wrappings,

I could hear what was going on.

Slowly, I learned the language of this land.

So, if you were to ever hear the voice of a Woodstone...

I would recognize it instantly.

Their evil cadence is burned into my brain.

If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone,

I would take revenge

by raining pestilence and death down upon them.

Well, good thing there are no Woodstones here anymore.

What?

There aren't, Jay. They're all gone, right?

- Yep. No more Woodstones. - That is good.

Forgive me, I have not asked your names.

Oh, uh, well, you've already met the Livings here.

And Thor and Trevor, and I'm Alberta.

And, um... this is...

Oh, hi. Hiya.

I'm Marge, dontcha know.

I died at a costume party in 1995.

So nice to meet ya.

Wait, why were you doing an impression

of the cop lady from Fargo?

It was the first thing that came to mind.

I don't know why, when you encounter a man

whose digits you've consumed, you panic.

Okay, wait, so this mummy ghost, if he finds out

that Hetty's the one who brought his remains over from Egypt

and that you're one of her descendants, he's gonna...

I'm sorry, what was the quote?

Uh, "rain pestilence and death down upon us."

That's hard to misinterpret.

Oh, where the hell did he come from?

I hate this haunted house.

Gabe, we're not haunted house customers.

It's Sam and Jay, your employers.

Oh, my bad.

In my defense, I'm pretty baked.

That's not the best defense.

This isn't good.

It's only a matter of time before Amunhotep figures out

that Hetty and I are Woodstones, and then...

- Then what? - I don't know,

but we watched The Mummy,

- it wasn't good, man. - Wasn't good?

It was some of Brendan Fraser's best work.

Plus, Rachel Weisz.

You want to give that review another run, Pete?

It was fine.

Uh, it wasn't really my thing.

Okay, let's just talk this out.

It was a, it was a scroll spell that unleashed him,

so maybe, if we do a counterspell,

that'll get him back into his bandages.

That's worth a shot.

Pete and Alberta, you guys distract Amunhotep,

take him on a tour of the mansion or whatever,

while we figure out how to try to get him back in.

- On it. Pete, let's go. - Are you mad?

Oh, Pete, I was just messing with you.

Okay, 'cause I don't even think she's pretty.

More like Rachel "Yikes."

Samantha, where have you been?

I've been looking for you. I need your help.

Nigel's gonna ask you to summon Chris the stripper

using the penis straws you kept for some reason

after his demise.

I did not keep the penis straws.

Wait, what's happening?

Chris the stripper had this package of...

novelty drinking straws on him when he perished,

and I held on to them thinking maybe

they could be used as evidence.

Then, when the cops laughed,

I thought about returning them to his family.

That's a hard call to make.

"Sorry your son died. I got his penis straws

if you want something to remember him by."

Samantha, please, just tell Nigel

that you don't have the straws.

Okay.

I can see this is important to you.

There's more to life

than a couple of penis straws, dontcha know.

Oh, just so you're aware,

I'm not Hetty. I am Marge Gunderson.

A small town police woman

whose husband paints pictures of birds.

Okay, Marge, this is crazy.

You look just like my friend Hetty.

And that is mansion.

Before mansion, Thor live here for many centuries, alone.

I have been trapped in my mummified corpse

for 3,000 years.

They took my brain out through my nose with a hook.

Okay, is not competition.

You know who else looks like her brain

was sucked out through her nose? Rachel Weisz, yuck.

I was just messing with you. Move on, Pete.

If I could give you two a little advice?

Don't waste your time fighting

because you never know when fate will rip you apart.

What you mean, friend?

'Tis a sad tale, Thor.

My wife and I were entombed together,

but then the Woodstones stole me from our resting place.

Too rich to leave me alone, too poor to buy the both of us.

Oh, that's so sad.

So, it's true, there is a new hunky ghost.

I am Amunhotep.

Amunhotep.

More like "I'm-a tap that."

Uh, what is that?

Why is there a painting of that woman Marge

who died at a costume party in 1995?

- It's not, it's not. - No, I don't think

that looks like her.

Marge? What are you talking about?

That's Hetty Woodstone, the lady that built the house.

- Uh, she doesn't know what she's talking about. - Yeah.

Yes, I do. It's Hetty. Am I crazy?

That is Hetty Woodstone?

Uh-oh.

Okay, this one might work,

but it says that we need an amulet blessed by a priest.

Is there any chance that we have an amulet

blessed by a priest around here?

I don't, but I do have a stuffed albino alligator.

- Is that anything? - No amulet, sorry, Jay.

Okay, I'll keep looking.

Well, well, well.

Oh, hey there, handsome stranger.

The jig is up! He knows everything.

Oh, Jay, Amunhotep knows about Hetty.

What? Does he know that you're a Woodstone, too?

- What? - He's also in the room.

Well, you got to lead with that.

You shall pay. You shall all pay.

A curse upon you.

Oh!

What was that?

A 3,000-year-old mummy curse descending upon us.

Seriously?

Oh, geez.

- Is that... - Yeah.

It's a cloud of locusts approaching.

Amunhotep cursed us.

They're heading straight for the garden, Sam.

The entire farm-to-table menu hangs in the balance.

You know, a part of me can't help but feel responsible.

Oh, really?

I know I'm being silly.

Uh, Sam?

I know you got a lot on your plate right now, but, um,

Amunhotep has reanimated his mummified corpse

and sent it to kill you.

- Oh, no. - We could source

the squash from elsewhere.

I mean, it's a farm to a table.

Jay, there's actually bigger fish.

Oh, I'm sorry, bigger fish than my heirloom squash?

Amanda, is that you? Great costume.

No, that's not the line cook, Jay,

that's the real mummy reanimated.

He's trying to kill me.

To the crapper!

- Oh, we're gonna die! - No!

Wait, we're ghosts, we can't die.

Oh, but we could lose our Living butler.

It might be centuries

before we find another freak like her.

- I hate this. - Why do we live here?

Oh, good, there you are, Samantha.

I have a rather indelicate question.

Little busy right now, Nigel.

- Oh, God. - Right.

Well, my thing is rather urgent, too.

It's come to my attention that you are in the possession

of some novelty penis straws.

Oh, for God's sake, Chris didn't get sucked off, okay?

He flew away. Isaac lied to you.

- What? - Damn, Samantha.

Ice cold.

I'm sorry, Nigel.

I see.

Okay, next Halloween, we're going on vacation.

Oh, poor Nigel. Guy's brokenhearted.

Wait, a minute. Broken heart.

Maybe that's how we can get Amunhotep

to cease this reign of terror.

- What do you mean, Pete? - Oh, that's right.

He said, when he was taken from Egypt,

his mummy got separated from his wife's mummy.

They had been entombed together.

Oh, geez, Hetty,

you couldn't spring for the pair?

It was just very expensive to bring both.

And, I mean, come... two mummies?

That's a little show-offy.

You had a pearl toilet.

Jay, I think I know how we can right things with Amunhotep.

Wait, do you hear that? Silence.

I think the mummy gave up.

Oh, yes. It's gone.

This isn't that scary.

Mm, well, just you wait.

I'm sorry, did you scream?

It was scary.

You knew it was coming, man.

Isaac.

I spoke with Samantha about the straws.

Oh. Oh, what did she say?

She has the straws

and will perform the séance straight away.

What?

Does that surprise you? You knave!

She told me the truth.

Chris wasn't sucked off. He was blown.

Sorry?

By the wind. The parachute.

Why did you lie to me?

Uh, okay, well, Samantha wasn't supposed to say that part,

but yes, it's true. I lied.

Unbelievable.

After all you've done to me,

you couldn't help but put your finger

in my bullet hole and wiggle it around.

Thor trying to be fly on wall,

but must point out that

it seem Isaac only do what he do to Nigel to be nice

so that you not think Chris just leave you.

Is that true, Isaac?

Well, at the time,

you were still reeling from being left at the altar.

Doesn't matter by whom.

You were just trying to spare my feelings.

That's a bit of a surprise.

Well, it shouldn't be.

I care about you, Nigel.

I always have.

And your happiness is important to me.

- Thank you, Isaac. - Mm-hmm.

Although, it does bring into focus the stark reality

that the man I thought I shared a spark with

couldn't even care enough about me to say goodbye.

Oh...

I'm a sad, sad little man.

You know, now-now that I think back,

you know, Chris did mention something about a return date.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

When?

- Christmas Eve. - For real?

No. I don't know why I said that.

I just don't like the uncomfortable moments,

but I course corrected in real time, and that is growth.

You need help.

I know.

The mansion was actually built

on the ruins of a cholera pest house.

I'm just happy our story's getting out there.

So fake.

Amunhotep!

Please, call off the curses.

Why would I do that?

Because we, the Woodstones,

have learned the error of our ways.

I should've never separated you from your beloved.

My husband and I were products of our time,

but that doesn't excuse us disrespecting

your remains the way we did.

Though, not to toot my own horn,

- there were nine toes I did not eat. - Hetty.

The point is, I'm sorry.

And we might be able to help right this wrong.

Amunhotep, we can reunite you with your wife.

Tell him, Jay.

We did some research... there's this thing called the Internet.

Turns out, you were quite a notable fellow.

So notable, in fact, that we found your wife's mummy.

Where is she?

She's in a museum in Egypt, and you can join her

along with your remains, if you want.

- I'm going home? - That's right buddy,

and I'm gonna with you, a-and when we get there,

I can recite the incantation and free her from her mummy as well.

You and your wife can finally be together.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

What's he saying, babe, is he happy?

He's very pleased, Jay.

Okay, so he's gonna call off the locusts and the mummy?

And the herd of rats headed your way.

Oh, didn't know about the rats.

They were going to eat the locusts,

and then prove to be a much bigger problem.

I had this whole thing planned.

Now, Peter, are you sure

you will be able to memorize this incantation?

You're talking to the guy who does a word-perfect version

of Bill Murray's "It just doesn't matter" monologue

from Meatballs.

What is Meatballs?

Oh, buddy. We got a whole plane ride to Cairo.

We're gonna get into Rudy, the sad kid.

We'll talk about Marty, the camp director,

whose bed they hilariously put in the middle of the lake.

Oh, and when we're done with Meatballs,

we'll move on to the extended Ivan Reitman universe.

- Can I ride in my box? - Nope.

So, it all starts in a parking lot full of buses,

where a bunch of ragtag hormonal teenagers

are about to have the summer of their lives.

Mm, yeah.

It was really lovely, you guys.

I did the spell, and, sure enough,

Amunhotep's wife came out of the mummy.

Oh, the moment when they first saw each other... Tingles.

Pete says it was really sweet

reuniting Amunhotep and his wife.

Oh, I love that.

Hey, Jay, do you hope we spend eternity together?

This is a "must say yes" situation.

- Yes. - There you go.

It was a lay-up, but you still got to make those.

I will be sorry to retire Marge Gunderson...

But okey dokey.

Say, you happen to do a Philly accent?

Well, that depends on whether or not

you can move that glass of...

- "wah-der"? - Say more.

I saw on the boob tube that the Eagles

- are gonna be good this year. - Yeah.

Let's go throw, uh, batteries

at Santy Claus.

- You like that? - Mm-hmm.