1 00:00:09,443 --> 00:00:11,345 Pack that carefully. 2 00:00:11,445 --> 00:00:13,047 It's a precious relic. 3 00:00:13,147 --> 00:00:14,515 This is a travesty. 4 00:00:14,648 --> 00:00:16,184 You know not what you do. 5 00:00:16,283 --> 00:00:18,452 Just let him rest in peace. 6 00:00:18,552 --> 00:00:21,889 A curse on whoever is responsible for this. 7 00:00:22,823 --> 00:00:26,260 A curse upon their descendants. 8 00:00:31,932 --> 00:00:34,202 She's beautiful, isn't she? 9 00:00:34,335 --> 00:00:37,538 The centerpiece of my new farm-to-table menu, 10 00:00:37,638 --> 00:00:40,308 the blue heirloom squash. 11 00:00:40,408 --> 00:00:42,076 Grown from seed right here at Woodstone. 12 00:00:42,176 --> 00:00:44,712 Have you ever seen anything like her? 13 00:00:44,812 --> 00:00:47,481 Sam, do not leave that man alone with this vegetable. 14 00:00:47,581 --> 00:00:49,049 Jay is very excited about the fall menu. 15 00:00:49,183 --> 00:00:51,185 We really want to get the restaurant back on track. 16 00:00:51,285 --> 00:00:52,620 Yeah, and since we don't have Satan 17 00:00:52,720 --> 00:00:54,422 or any of his dark powers helping us, 18 00:00:54,522 --> 00:00:56,890 I had to do something splashy. 19 00:00:56,990 --> 00:00:58,659 Nothing more splashy than 20 00:00:58,759 --> 00:01:00,394 old squash. 21 00:01:00,494 --> 00:01:01,995 Guess who just sold four more tickets 22 00:01:02,062 --> 00:01:04,732 to our first annual Halloween haunted house? 23 00:01:04,864 --> 00:01:06,300 Bela. The answer is Bela. 24 00:01:06,400 --> 00:01:08,836 She's also forcing the kitchen staff to work the event, 25 00:01:08,936 --> 00:01:10,971 which warmed my labor-exploiting heart. 26 00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,406 I still think it's crazy you're resorting 27 00:01:12,539 --> 00:01:14,742 to a bunch of fake blood and verkakte costumes 28 00:01:14,842 --> 00:01:17,611 when you got the real deal right here, baby. We're ghosts. 29 00:01:17,711 --> 00:01:20,381 Yeah, but your guys' stuff isn't exactly scary. 30 00:01:20,481 --> 00:01:23,015 - Excuse me? - Don't poke the ghosts, Sam. 31 00:01:23,117 --> 00:01:25,018 Hey, I can move a Dixie cup a little bit 32 00:01:25,085 --> 00:01:26,620 if I try real hard. 33 00:01:26,754 --> 00:01:28,456 And my humming can be heard in the world of the living, 34 00:01:28,589 --> 00:01:30,191 if the room tone is quiet enough. 35 00:01:30,258 --> 00:01:32,360 And if you wait until Saint Patrick's Day... 36 00:01:32,460 --> 00:01:33,761 Oh, why do I even bother? 37 00:01:33,894 --> 00:01:37,798 Thor have the power to harness electricity. 38 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:41,435 Strike fear into the hardest of hearts. 39 00:01:45,706 --> 00:01:46,574 Oh, was that Thor? 40 00:01:46,674 --> 00:01:48,376 - Mm. - See? 41 00:01:48,476 --> 00:01:50,144 Bela terrified. 42 00:01:50,277 --> 00:01:51,545 Tremble before Thor. 43 00:01:51,612 --> 00:01:53,614 Hey, Bela, thanks so much for taking the lead 44 00:01:53,714 --> 00:01:55,249 with all the haunted house stuff. 45 00:01:55,316 --> 00:01:58,551 Yeah. I just wish the house was a little spookier. 46 00:01:58,652 --> 00:02:00,087 I mean, it's derelict, 47 00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:01,822 that's good, but I feel like we could use some more 48 00:02:01,922 --> 00:02:03,757 creepy decorations or something. 49 00:02:03,824 --> 00:02:05,426 Oh, there's a bunch of creepy stuff in the basement. 50 00:02:05,493 --> 00:02:07,161 We could bring some of that crap up here. 51 00:02:07,261 --> 00:02:09,830 Excuse you, sir. Crap? 52 00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:11,332 Jay, it was a little insensitive 53 00:02:11,432 --> 00:02:13,301 to refer to Hetty's family heirlooms that way. 54 00:02:13,401 --> 00:02:14,835 - Mm. - Insensitive? 55 00:02:14,968 --> 00:02:17,137 Her husband tried to kill me and drag me to hell. 56 00:02:17,238 --> 00:02:18,372 Come on, Sam. 57 00:02:18,472 --> 00:02:21,409 You would never treat me like this. 58 00:02:21,475 --> 00:02:23,143 I'm telling you, get rid of that thing, Sam. 59 00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,679 Puree it, chuck it, just get it out of the damn house. 60 00:02:26,579 --> 00:02:28,616 Gosh, I love a good haunted house. 61 00:02:28,682 --> 00:02:31,352 The peeled grapes that are supposed to be eyeballs, 62 00:02:31,485 --> 00:02:33,654 the zombie brains that are just cold spaghetti. 63 00:02:33,787 --> 00:02:35,823 Oh, zombies are a trip, man. 64 00:02:35,956 --> 00:02:37,958 Can you imagine being dead, 65 00:02:38,058 --> 00:02:40,994 but still, like, walking around and stuff? 66 00:02:41,094 --> 00:02:42,829 Yeah, that's really hard to picture. 67 00:02:42,930 --> 00:02:44,798 Yeah, no matter what they do, 68 00:02:44,865 --> 00:02:46,600 this home will never be more frightening 69 00:02:46,700 --> 00:02:48,168 than the scariest house of all, 70 00:02:48,302 --> 00:02:50,771 the U.S. House of Representatives. 71 00:02:52,139 --> 00:02:55,175 'Cause of the dysfunction. 72 00:02:55,976 --> 00:02:57,945 How wonderful it is to see you all. 73 00:02:58,011 --> 00:03:00,013 Hi, Nigel. You're in a good mood. 74 00:03:00,113 --> 00:03:02,516 Well, it is Allhallows Eve, 75 00:03:02,616 --> 00:03:06,086 which means we can bring back a ghost who's been sucked off 76 00:03:06,186 --> 00:03:08,021 and I plan on bringing back Chris, 77 00:03:08,121 --> 00:03:10,190 the sky-diving exotic dancer 78 00:03:10,324 --> 00:03:12,393 - who stole my heart. - Right, 79 00:03:12,526 --> 00:03:15,696 because he was sucked off, as we all remember and lament. 80 00:03:15,796 --> 00:03:17,365 Right, guys? 81 00:03:17,465 --> 00:03:19,533 That is the story that I heard and have no reason to question. 82 00:03:19,633 --> 00:03:22,536 A-Although, um, here's the thing, 83 00:03:22,636 --> 00:03:24,738 and you might not have been aware of this, Nigel, but 84 00:03:24,838 --> 00:03:26,206 in order for a ghost to come back, 85 00:03:26,307 --> 00:03:28,208 the Living who's doing the séance 86 00:03:28,309 --> 00:03:30,778 must have an object that the ghost 87 00:03:30,878 --> 00:03:33,046 had on their person when they died. 88 00:03:33,881 --> 00:03:35,849 Oh, dear. 89 00:03:35,916 --> 00:03:37,918 No, I didn't realize that was necessary. 90 00:03:38,051 --> 00:03:39,720 Yes, and we don't have such an object, 91 00:03:39,853 --> 00:03:42,656 so I guess there's nothing we can do except just go on 92 00:03:42,756 --> 00:03:46,093 with our afterlives and never think of this again. 93 00:03:46,226 --> 00:03:47,561 Oh. 94 00:03:47,661 --> 00:03:49,897 What about the penis straws the stripper died with? 95 00:03:50,030 --> 00:03:51,899 - Excuse me? - He was gonna pass them out 96 00:03:51,999 --> 00:03:53,466 to the bachelorette party, 97 00:03:53,567 --> 00:03:56,704 but then Sam took them off his dead body and kept them. 98 00:03:56,804 --> 00:03:58,506 - Why would she do that? - I don't know. 99 00:03:58,572 --> 00:04:00,874 She's a secret freak? Stop shaming her, you square. 100 00:04:00,941 --> 00:04:02,876 Well, this is outstanding news. 101 00:04:02,943 --> 00:04:05,346 Yes, so great. 102 00:04:05,446 --> 00:04:07,715 Oh, thank you, Flower. 103 00:04:07,781 --> 00:04:09,016 Hmm? 104 00:04:09,082 --> 00:04:10,618 Oh, I shall go talk to Samantha forthwith. 105 00:04:10,718 --> 00:04:12,420 It's been a hard few months, 106 00:04:12,553 --> 00:04:15,623 but it appears my luck has started to turn. 107 00:04:17,690 --> 00:04:19,560 Flower, what have you done? 108 00:04:19,660 --> 00:04:20,827 You mean, like, ever? 109 00:04:20,928 --> 00:04:22,195 That's a toughie. 110 00:04:22,262 --> 00:04:24,932 Um, acid, quaaludes, I smoked a toad once. 111 00:04:25,065 --> 00:04:28,302 No, I was lying when I said that Chris got sucked off. 112 00:04:28,436 --> 00:04:31,572 As you all know, he floated away on his own accord, 113 00:04:31,672 --> 00:04:34,041 and Nigel will be crushed when he finds out 114 00:04:34,107 --> 00:04:37,110 and furious at me for deceiving him. 115 00:04:37,244 --> 00:04:39,112 Oh, no. Okay. 116 00:04:39,246 --> 00:04:42,983 I have to go find Samantha to get our stories straight. 117 00:04:44,918 --> 00:04:47,120 I'm sorry, you smoked a toad? 118 00:04:47,254 --> 00:04:51,392 Yeah, but if I didn't, he was gonna smoke me. 119 00:04:51,492 --> 00:04:53,994 At least, that's what he told me after I smoked him. 120 00:04:55,295 --> 00:04:57,798 What's this weird little clamp thing? 121 00:04:57,898 --> 00:04:59,232 That's an elbow clip. 122 00:04:59,299 --> 00:05:01,902 Well-bred children wore them during adolescence 123 00:05:01,969 --> 00:05:03,904 to ensure their elbows stayed nice and pointy. 124 00:05:03,971 --> 00:05:05,305 Oh, that's terrible. 125 00:05:05,439 --> 00:05:07,575 Says the girl with the rounded baker's elbows. 126 00:05:07,641 --> 00:05:09,743 I don't know what kind of theme Bela's working with here, 127 00:05:09,810 --> 00:05:11,445 but this Egyptian stuff looks pretty real. 128 00:05:11,512 --> 00:05:13,347 That because it is real. 129 00:05:13,447 --> 00:05:14,715 There actual mummy in there. 130 00:05:14,815 --> 00:05:17,485 We were the first in the county to have one, 131 00:05:17,618 --> 00:05:19,553 which was very important as the Vanderbilts 132 00:05:19,653 --> 00:05:21,489 had just acquired the skull of a pig boy. 133 00:05:21,622 --> 00:05:23,991 Yeah, you can't be out pig-boy'ed. 134 00:05:24,091 --> 00:05:25,526 Jay, apparently, that's a real mummy 135 00:05:25,659 --> 00:05:27,695 in that sarcophagus, that Hetty somehow acquired. 136 00:05:27,795 --> 00:05:30,130 Well, that doesn't sound like something we should have. 137 00:05:30,197 --> 00:05:31,665 Still very cool, though. 138 00:05:31,765 --> 00:05:35,202 We bought it from an unscrupulous antiquities dealer 139 00:05:35,335 --> 00:05:37,405 in the early 1890s. 140 00:05:37,505 --> 00:05:39,272 Back then, mummies were all the rage, 141 00:05:39,339 --> 00:05:41,675 their wrappings a popular cure-all. 142 00:05:41,808 --> 00:05:43,110 - She eat his toe. - Mm. 143 00:05:43,210 --> 00:05:45,145 Thor watch. Was gross. 144 00:05:45,212 --> 00:05:46,914 - People ate mummies? - Oh, yes. 145 00:05:47,014 --> 00:05:50,283 Never did much for my insomnia, though to be fair, at the time, 146 00:05:50,384 --> 00:05:52,352 I was consuming cocaine by the hillock. 147 00:05:52,453 --> 00:05:53,721 Whoa, it comes with a manual. 148 00:05:53,821 --> 00:05:55,689 Ooh, are these hieroglyphics? 149 00:05:55,789 --> 00:05:57,725 I got an app for this. 150 00:05:57,858 --> 00:05:59,493 He pays $29 a month for that, 151 00:05:59,560 --> 00:06:00,861 and this is the first time he's used it. 152 00:06:00,961 --> 00:06:03,363 "The Egyptian Book of the Dead." 153 00:06:03,464 --> 00:06:05,132 Dope. 154 00:06:05,232 --> 00:06:08,201 "Oh, thou Only One, who shinest from the Moon, 155 00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,270 "when Tuat is opened to the gods, 156 00:06:10,370 --> 00:06:12,840 "let me come forth to do his pleasure 157 00:06:12,940 --> 00:06:14,575 upon Earth amidst the Living." 158 00:06:17,177 --> 00:06:19,246 Greetings. I am Amunhotep. 159 00:06:19,346 --> 00:06:21,582 Son of Horemheb and Meresankh. 160 00:06:21,715 --> 00:06:22,916 Oh, my God. 161 00:06:23,784 --> 00:06:25,953 What happened to its toe? 162 00:06:30,457 --> 00:06:33,060 - I'm sorry, what just happened? - Uh, Jay, 163 00:06:33,159 --> 00:06:34,361 when I just read that thing, 164 00:06:34,495 --> 00:06:35,929 an Egyptian ghost came out of the mummy. 165 00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,831 What? How? 166 00:06:37,931 --> 00:06:39,867 Perhaps I could shed some light on the matter. 167 00:06:39,967 --> 00:06:41,534 The mummy is gonna explain. 168 00:06:41,669 --> 00:06:43,336 Sorry, I'm Sam. I'm a Living, 169 00:06:43,437 --> 00:06:45,172 but I can see and talk to ghosts. 170 00:06:45,272 --> 00:06:46,574 My husband, Jay, can't. 171 00:06:46,674 --> 00:06:48,375 Pretty hard "C" on that "can't" there, Sam. 172 00:06:48,509 --> 00:06:49,543 Felt aggressive. 173 00:06:49,643 --> 00:06:51,645 3,000 years ago, when I died, 174 00:06:51,712 --> 00:06:53,614 the priest who was supposed to oversee 175 00:06:53,681 --> 00:06:56,349 my mummification rituals was waylaid, 176 00:06:56,450 --> 00:06:58,719 and his replacement was not 177 00:06:58,819 --> 00:07:00,954 what you would call experienced. 178 00:07:01,054 --> 00:07:03,957 You got a second-string priest. Continue. 179 00:07:04,057 --> 00:07:06,760 The rituals were performed incorrectly, and as such, 180 00:07:06,860 --> 00:07:09,497 my spirit was confined to my mummified corpse. 181 00:07:09,563 --> 00:07:11,398 Jay, you better fire up the ghost notes, 182 00:07:11,532 --> 00:07:12,800 this one is a doozy. 183 00:07:12,866 --> 00:07:16,537 Much later, I was stolen from my tomb in Egypt 184 00:07:16,637 --> 00:07:18,772 and transported to a strange land. 185 00:07:18,872 --> 00:07:21,207 A despicable family known as the Woodstones 186 00:07:21,308 --> 00:07:25,412 paraded me around like a trophy at their parties and even... 187 00:07:26,413 --> 00:07:27,581 ate my toe. 188 00:07:27,681 --> 00:07:30,651 Thor saw. Was gross. 189 00:07:30,751 --> 00:07:31,919 Who is Thor? 190 00:07:32,019 --> 00:07:34,387 Thor Thor. 191 00:07:35,188 --> 00:07:37,625 Uh, how did you learn English? 192 00:07:37,725 --> 00:07:39,426 I was unable to see my surroundings, 193 00:07:39,527 --> 00:07:41,261 but from inside my wrappings, 194 00:07:41,394 --> 00:07:43,564 I could hear what was going on. 195 00:07:43,664 --> 00:07:46,266 Slowly, I learned the language of this land. 196 00:07:46,399 --> 00:07:49,737 So, if you were to ever hear the voice of a Woodstone... 197 00:07:49,837 --> 00:07:51,872 I would recognize it instantly. 198 00:07:51,972 --> 00:07:54,542 Their evil cadence is burned into my brain. 199 00:07:54,608 --> 00:07:57,444 If I were ever to encounter a Woodstone, 200 00:07:57,545 --> 00:07:59,179 I would take revenge 201 00:07:59,279 --> 00:08:02,750 by raining pestilence and death down upon them. 202 00:08:02,883 --> 00:08:06,353 Well, good thing there are no Woodstones here anymore. 203 00:08:06,419 --> 00:08:07,788 What? 204 00:08:08,789 --> 00:08:11,592 There aren't, Jay. They're all gone, right? 205 00:08:11,692 --> 00:08:14,394 - Yep. No more Woodstones. - That is good. 206 00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:17,030 Forgive me, I have not asked your names. 207 00:08:17,097 --> 00:08:19,767 Oh, uh, well, you've already met the Livings here. 208 00:08:19,867 --> 00:08:22,870 And Thor and Trevor, and I'm Alberta. 209 00:08:22,936 --> 00:08:27,240 And, um... this is... 210 00:08:28,709 --> 00:08:31,144 Oh, hi. Hiya. 211 00:08:31,278 --> 00:08:33,080 I'm Marge, dontcha know. 212 00:08:33,179 --> 00:08:36,817 I died at a costume party in 1995. 213 00:08:36,950 --> 00:08:39,352 So nice to meet ya. 214 00:08:40,120 --> 00:08:42,956 Wait, why were you doing an impression 215 00:08:43,090 --> 00:08:44,792 of the cop lady from Fargo? 216 00:08:44,892 --> 00:08:46,259 It was the first thing that came to mind. 217 00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,395 I don't know why, when you encounter a man 218 00:08:48,495 --> 00:08:50,363 whose digits you've consumed, you panic. 219 00:08:50,463 --> 00:08:53,500 Okay, wait, so this mummy ghost, if he finds out 220 00:08:53,601 --> 00:08:55,268 that Hetty's the one who brought his remains over from Egypt 221 00:08:55,335 --> 00:08:57,470 and that you're one of her descendants, he's gonna... 222 00:08:57,571 --> 00:08:59,139 I'm sorry, what was the quote? 223 00:08:59,239 --> 00:09:02,509 Uh, "rain pestilence and death down upon us." 224 00:09:02,610 --> 00:09:03,777 That's hard to misinterpret. 225 00:09:05,245 --> 00:09:06,980 Oh, where the hell did he come from? 226 00:09:07,080 --> 00:09:08,949 I hate this haunted house. 227 00:09:09,016 --> 00:09:11,619 Gabe, we're not haunted house customers. 228 00:09:11,685 --> 00:09:14,354 It's Sam and Jay, your employers. 229 00:09:14,454 --> 00:09:16,824 Oh, my bad. 230 00:09:16,924 --> 00:09:19,593 In my defense, I'm pretty baked. 231 00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:21,294 That's not the best defense. 232 00:09:21,361 --> 00:09:22,830 This isn't good. 233 00:09:22,963 --> 00:09:25,098 It's only a matter of time before Amunhotep figures out 234 00:09:25,198 --> 00:09:28,235 that Hetty and I are Woodstones, and then... 235 00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:30,337 - Then what? - I don't know, 236 00:09:30,470 --> 00:09:31,772 but we watched The Mummy, 237 00:09:31,839 --> 00:09:33,340 - it wasn't good, man. - Wasn't good? 238 00:09:33,473 --> 00:09:35,943 It was some of Brendan Fraser's best work. 239 00:09:36,009 --> 00:09:37,410 Plus, Rachel Weisz. 240 00:09:37,510 --> 00:09:38,946 You want to give that review another run, Pete? 241 00:09:39,046 --> 00:09:40,213 It was fine. 242 00:09:40,313 --> 00:09:41,548 Uh, it wasn't really my thing. 243 00:09:41,649 --> 00:09:43,116 Okay, let's just talk this out. 244 00:09:43,183 --> 00:09:44,517 It was a, it was a scroll spell that unleashed him, 245 00:09:44,652 --> 00:09:46,620 so maybe, if we do a counterspell, 246 00:09:46,720 --> 00:09:48,889 that'll get him back into his bandages. 247 00:09:48,989 --> 00:09:50,190 That's worth a shot. 248 00:09:50,323 --> 00:09:51,892 Pete and Alberta, you guys distract Amunhotep, 249 00:09:52,025 --> 00:09:53,727 take him on a tour of the mansion or whatever, 250 00:09:53,861 --> 00:09:56,029 while we figure out how to try to get him back in. 251 00:09:56,129 --> 00:09:58,165 - On it. Pete, let's go. - Are you mad? 252 00:09:58,265 --> 00:10:00,367 Oh, Pete, I was just messing with you. 253 00:10:00,467 --> 00:10:01,702 Okay, 'cause I don't even think she's pretty. 254 00:10:01,802 --> 00:10:02,736 More like Rachel "Yikes." 255 00:10:02,870 --> 00:10:05,472 Samantha, where have you been? 256 00:10:05,538 --> 00:10:07,374 I've been looking for you. I need your help. 257 00:10:07,474 --> 00:10:09,910 Nigel's gonna ask you to summon Chris the stripper 258 00:10:10,010 --> 00:10:12,112 using the penis straws you kept for some reason 259 00:10:12,212 --> 00:10:13,113 after his demise. 260 00:10:13,213 --> 00:10:14,381 I did not keep the penis straws. 261 00:10:14,481 --> 00:10:16,149 Wait, what's happening? 262 00:10:16,249 --> 00:10:19,286 Chris the stripper had this package of... 263 00:10:19,386 --> 00:10:21,655 novelty drinking straws on him when he perished, 264 00:10:21,722 --> 00:10:23,523 and I held on to them thinking maybe 265 00:10:23,623 --> 00:10:25,258 they could be used as evidence. 266 00:10:25,358 --> 00:10:26,727 Then, when the cops laughed, 267 00:10:26,827 --> 00:10:28,328 I thought about returning them to his family. 268 00:10:28,395 --> 00:10:29,797 That's a hard call to make. 269 00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:31,899 "Sorry your son died. I got his penis straws 270 00:10:31,999 --> 00:10:33,633 if you want something to remember him by." 271 00:10:33,734 --> 00:10:35,402 Samantha, please, just tell Nigel 272 00:10:35,502 --> 00:10:36,804 that you don't have the straws. 273 00:10:36,904 --> 00:10:38,105 Okay. 274 00:10:38,205 --> 00:10:40,173 I can see this is important to you. 275 00:10:40,273 --> 00:10:41,641 There's more to life 276 00:10:41,742 --> 00:10:44,544 than a couple of penis straws, dontcha know. 277 00:10:44,644 --> 00:10:46,346 Oh, just so you're aware, 278 00:10:46,413 --> 00:10:48,749 I'm not Hetty. I am Marge Gunderson. 279 00:10:48,882 --> 00:10:50,083 A small town police woman 280 00:10:50,183 --> 00:10:51,418 whose husband paints pictures of birds. 281 00:10:51,518 --> 00:10:53,253 Okay, Marge, this is crazy. 282 00:10:53,353 --> 00:10:56,123 You look just like my friend Hetty. 283 00:10:56,256 --> 00:10:57,958 And that is mansion. 284 00:10:58,091 --> 00:11:02,595 Before mansion, Thor live here for many centuries, alone. 285 00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:05,232 I have been trapped in my mummified corpse 286 00:11:05,298 --> 00:11:06,700 for 3,000 years. 287 00:11:06,800 --> 00:11:09,436 They took my brain out through my nose with a hook. 288 00:11:09,569 --> 00:11:12,405 Okay, is not competition. 289 00:11:12,505 --> 00:11:13,941 You know who else looks like her brain 290 00:11:14,074 --> 00:11:16,643 was sucked out through her nose? Rachel Weisz, yuck. 291 00:11:16,777 --> 00:11:20,147 I was just messing with you. Move on, Pete. 292 00:11:20,280 --> 00:11:22,049 If I could give you two a little advice? 293 00:11:22,115 --> 00:11:23,583 Don't waste your time fighting 294 00:11:23,683 --> 00:11:26,086 because you never know when fate will rip you apart. 295 00:11:26,186 --> 00:11:27,654 What you mean, friend? 296 00:11:27,788 --> 00:11:29,589 'Tis a sad tale, Thor. 297 00:11:29,656 --> 00:11:31,658 My wife and I were entombed together, 298 00:11:31,759 --> 00:11:35,295 but then the Woodstones stole me from our resting place. 299 00:11:35,395 --> 00:11:39,165 Too rich to leave me alone, too poor to buy the both of us. 300 00:11:39,266 --> 00:11:42,235 Oh, that's so sad. 301 00:11:42,302 --> 00:11:45,873 So, it's true, there is a new hunky ghost. 302 00:11:45,973 --> 00:11:47,240 I am Amunhotep. 303 00:11:47,307 --> 00:11:49,476 Amunhotep. 304 00:11:49,576 --> 00:11:51,979 More like "I'm-a tap that." 305 00:11:52,846 --> 00:11:54,381 Uh, what is that? 306 00:11:55,148 --> 00:11:57,851 Why is there a painting of that woman Marge 307 00:11:57,951 --> 00:11:59,987 who died at a costume party in 1995? 308 00:12:00,120 --> 00:12:02,222 - It's not, it's not. - No, I don't think 309 00:12:02,322 --> 00:12:03,656 that looks like her. 310 00:12:03,757 --> 00:12:05,325 Marge? What are you talking about? 311 00:12:05,425 --> 00:12:07,094 That's Hetty Woodstone, the lady that built the house. 312 00:12:07,160 --> 00:12:09,229 - Uh, she doesn't know what she's talking about. - Yeah. 313 00:12:09,329 --> 00:12:12,032 Yes, I do. It's Hetty. Am I crazy? 314 00:12:12,132 --> 00:12:15,368 That is Hetty Woodstone? 315 00:12:16,536 --> 00:12:18,438 Uh-oh. 316 00:12:18,505 --> 00:12:20,007 Okay, this one might work, 317 00:12:20,107 --> 00:12:22,642 but it says that we need an amulet blessed by a priest. 318 00:12:22,709 --> 00:12:24,544 Is there any chance that we have an amulet 319 00:12:24,644 --> 00:12:26,479 blessed by a priest around here? 320 00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,516 I don't, but I do have a stuffed albino alligator. 321 00:12:29,616 --> 00:12:31,551 - Is that anything? - No amulet, sorry, Jay. 322 00:12:31,684 --> 00:12:33,720 Okay, I'll keep looking. 323 00:12:35,322 --> 00:12:37,224 Well, well, well. 324 00:12:37,357 --> 00:12:39,960 Oh, hey there, handsome stranger. 325 00:12:40,027 --> 00:12:41,795 The jig is up! He knows everything. 326 00:12:41,862 --> 00:12:44,397 Oh, Jay, Amunhotep knows about Hetty. 327 00:12:44,497 --> 00:12:46,834 What? Does he know that you're a Woodstone, too? 328 00:12:46,900 --> 00:12:48,735 - What? - He's also in the room. 329 00:12:48,836 --> 00:12:50,537 Well, you got to lead with that. 330 00:12:50,637 --> 00:12:53,807 You shall pay. You shall all pay. 331 00:12:53,907 --> 00:12:55,742 A curse upon you. 332 00:12:59,913 --> 00:13:01,148 Oh! 333 00:13:01,248 --> 00:13:02,582 What was that? 334 00:13:02,715 --> 00:13:05,452 A 3,000-year-old mummy curse descending upon us. 335 00:13:05,552 --> 00:13:06,887 Seriously? 336 00:13:06,987 --> 00:13:08,221 Oh, geez. 337 00:13:15,095 --> 00:13:16,629 - Is that... - Yeah. 338 00:13:16,763 --> 00:13:18,331 It's a cloud of locusts approaching. 339 00:13:18,431 --> 00:13:19,799 Amunhotep cursed us. 340 00:13:19,900 --> 00:13:21,434 They're heading straight for the garden, Sam. 341 00:13:21,534 --> 00:13:23,770 The entire farm-to-table menu hangs in the balance. 342 00:13:23,871 --> 00:13:27,274 You know, a part of me can't help but feel responsible. 343 00:13:27,374 --> 00:13:29,409 Oh, really? 344 00:13:29,476 --> 00:13:31,044 I know I'm being silly. 345 00:13:31,111 --> 00:13:32,812 Uh, Sam? 346 00:13:32,913 --> 00:13:35,215 I know you got a lot on your plate right now, but, um, 347 00:13:35,315 --> 00:13:37,584 Amunhotep has reanimated his mummified corpse 348 00:13:37,684 --> 00:13:38,952 and sent it to kill you. 349 00:13:45,158 --> 00:13:46,960 - Oh, no. - We could source 350 00:13:47,094 --> 00:13:48,128 the squash from elsewhere. 351 00:13:48,228 --> 00:13:50,030 I mean, it's a farm to a table. 352 00:13:50,130 --> 00:13:51,831 Jay, there's actually bigger fish. 353 00:13:51,965 --> 00:13:54,567 Oh, I'm sorry, bigger fish than my heirloom squash? 354 00:13:57,905 --> 00:14:00,640 Amanda, is that you? Great costume. 355 00:14:00,740 --> 00:14:02,309 No, that's not the line cook, Jay, 356 00:14:02,409 --> 00:14:03,410 that's the real mummy reanimated. 357 00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:05,045 He's trying to kill me. 358 00:14:05,145 --> 00:14:06,579 To the crapper! 359 00:14:13,086 --> 00:14:14,554 - Oh, we're gonna die! - No! 360 00:14:14,654 --> 00:14:15,989 Wait, we're ghosts, we can't die. 361 00:14:16,089 --> 00:14:18,025 Oh, but we could lose our Living butler. 362 00:14:18,158 --> 00:14:19,359 It might be centuries 363 00:14:19,492 --> 00:14:21,094 before we find another freak like her. 364 00:14:22,495 --> 00:14:25,198 - I hate this. - Why do we live here? 365 00:14:25,298 --> 00:14:27,200 Oh, good, there you are, Samantha. 366 00:14:27,334 --> 00:14:29,970 I have a rather indelicate question. 367 00:14:30,070 --> 00:14:31,238 Little busy right now, Nigel. 368 00:14:31,804 --> 00:14:33,240 - Oh, God. - Right. 369 00:14:33,340 --> 00:14:35,208 Well, my thing is rather urgent, too. 370 00:14:35,308 --> 00:14:37,710 It's come to my attention that you are in the possession 371 00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,279 of some novelty penis straws. 372 00:14:39,379 --> 00:14:41,881 Oh, for God's sake, Chris didn't get sucked off, okay? 373 00:14:41,982 --> 00:14:43,650 He flew away. Isaac lied to you. 374 00:14:43,750 --> 00:14:46,186 - What? - Damn, Samantha. 375 00:14:46,319 --> 00:14:47,854 Ice cold. 376 00:14:47,955 --> 00:14:49,289 I'm sorry, Nigel. 377 00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:51,124 I see. 378 00:14:52,525 --> 00:14:54,627 Okay, next Halloween, we're going on vacation. 379 00:14:54,694 --> 00:14:57,064 Oh, poor Nigel. Guy's brokenhearted. 380 00:14:57,197 --> 00:14:59,799 Wait, a minute. Broken heart. 381 00:14:59,866 --> 00:15:01,401 Maybe that's how we can get Amunhotep 382 00:15:01,501 --> 00:15:02,902 to cease this reign of terror. 383 00:15:03,036 --> 00:15:04,471 - What do you mean, Pete? - Oh, that's right. 384 00:15:04,571 --> 00:15:06,073 He said, when he was taken from Egypt, 385 00:15:06,206 --> 00:15:08,075 his mummy got separated from his wife's mummy. 386 00:15:08,208 --> 00:15:09,242 They had been entombed together. 387 00:15:09,376 --> 00:15:10,810 Oh, geez, Hetty, 388 00:15:10,877 --> 00:15:12,512 you couldn't spring for the pair? 389 00:15:12,579 --> 00:15:15,082 It was just very expensive to bring both. 390 00:15:15,182 --> 00:15:16,883 And, I mean, come... two mummies? 391 00:15:17,017 --> 00:15:18,651 That's a little show-offy. 392 00:15:18,751 --> 00:15:20,320 You had a pearl toilet. 393 00:15:20,420 --> 00:15:23,656 Jay, I think I know how we can right things with Amunhotep. 394 00:15:23,723 --> 00:15:26,859 Wait, do you hear that? Silence. 395 00:15:26,926 --> 00:15:28,761 I think the mummy gave up. 396 00:15:33,000 --> 00:15:35,835 Oh, yes. It's gone. 397 00:15:43,243 --> 00:15:44,844 This isn't that scary. 398 00:15:44,944 --> 00:15:46,079 Mm, well, just you wait. 399 00:15:50,517 --> 00:15:52,619 I'm sorry, did you scream? 400 00:15:52,752 --> 00:15:54,254 It was scary. 401 00:15:54,387 --> 00:15:55,655 You knew it was coming, man. 402 00:15:55,755 --> 00:15:57,557 Isaac. 403 00:15:57,624 --> 00:16:00,693 I spoke with Samantha about the straws. 404 00:16:00,793 --> 00:16:03,330 Oh. Oh, what did she say? 405 00:16:03,430 --> 00:16:04,731 She has the straws 406 00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:06,133 and will perform the séance straight away. 407 00:16:07,434 --> 00:16:08,668 What? 408 00:16:08,768 --> 00:16:10,037 Does that surprise you? You knave! 409 00:16:10,137 --> 00:16:11,671 She told me the truth. 410 00:16:11,771 --> 00:16:14,107 Chris wasn't sucked off. He was blown. 411 00:16:15,142 --> 00:16:16,176 Sorry? 412 00:16:16,276 --> 00:16:18,478 By the wind. The parachute. 413 00:16:18,611 --> 00:16:20,147 Why did you lie to me? 414 00:16:20,280 --> 00:16:22,515 Uh, okay, well, Samantha wasn't supposed to say that part, 415 00:16:22,615 --> 00:16:24,917 but yes, it's true. I lied. 416 00:16:25,018 --> 00:16:26,619 Unbelievable. 417 00:16:26,719 --> 00:16:27,854 After all you've done to me, 418 00:16:27,954 --> 00:16:29,822 you couldn't help but put your finger 419 00:16:29,956 --> 00:16:31,924 in my bullet hole and wiggle it around. 420 00:16:32,025 --> 00:16:34,961 Thor trying to be fly on wall, 421 00:16:35,062 --> 00:16:36,463 but must point out that 422 00:16:36,596 --> 00:16:40,400 it seem Isaac only do what he do to Nigel to be nice 423 00:16:40,467 --> 00:16:43,670 so that you not think Chris just leave you. 424 00:16:43,803 --> 00:16:45,872 Is that true, Isaac? 425 00:16:45,972 --> 00:16:47,474 Well, at the time, 426 00:16:47,607 --> 00:16:50,643 you were still reeling from being left at the altar. 427 00:16:50,743 --> 00:16:52,079 Doesn't matter by whom. 428 00:16:52,145 --> 00:16:54,581 You were just trying to spare my feelings. 429 00:16:54,647 --> 00:16:55,848 That's a bit of a surprise. 430 00:16:55,982 --> 00:16:58,685 Well, it shouldn't be. 431 00:16:58,785 --> 00:17:00,587 I care about you, Nigel. 432 00:17:00,687 --> 00:17:02,122 I always have. 433 00:17:02,189 --> 00:17:04,656 And your happiness is important to me. 434 00:17:04,757 --> 00:17:07,327 - Thank you, Isaac. - Mm-hmm. 435 00:17:07,426 --> 00:17:10,230 Although, it does bring into focus the stark reality 436 00:17:10,329 --> 00:17:13,433 that the man I thought I shared a spark with 437 00:17:13,500 --> 00:17:16,035 couldn't even care enough about me to say goodbye. 438 00:17:17,036 --> 00:17:18,003 Oh... 439 00:17:18,137 --> 00:17:21,174 I'm a sad, sad little man. 440 00:17:21,273 --> 00:17:23,710 You know, now-now that I think back, 441 00:17:23,843 --> 00:17:26,679 you know, Chris did mention something about a return date. 442 00:17:26,779 --> 00:17:28,448 - Really? - Mm-hmm. 443 00:17:28,548 --> 00:17:29,682 When? 444 00:17:30,917 --> 00:17:33,320 - Christmas Eve. - For real? 445 00:17:35,122 --> 00:17:36,989 No. I don't know why I said that. 446 00:17:37,056 --> 00:17:38,691 I just don't like the uncomfortable moments, 447 00:17:38,791 --> 00:17:43,163 but I course corrected in real time, and that is growth. 448 00:17:43,230 --> 00:17:44,897 You need help. 449 00:17:45,832 --> 00:17:47,367 I know. 450 00:17:47,467 --> 00:17:49,035 The mansion was actually built 451 00:17:49,169 --> 00:17:51,971 on the ruins of a cholera pest house. 452 00:17:52,038 --> 00:17:54,707 I'm just happy our story's getting out there. 453 00:17:58,545 --> 00:18:00,079 So fake. 454 00:18:00,180 --> 00:18:01,581 Amunhotep! 455 00:18:01,681 --> 00:18:03,250 Please, call off the curses. 456 00:18:04,217 --> 00:18:05,418 Why would I do that? 457 00:18:05,518 --> 00:18:06,919 Because we, the Woodstones, 458 00:18:07,019 --> 00:18:08,988 have learned the error of our ways. 459 00:18:09,088 --> 00:18:12,024 I should've never separated you from your beloved. 460 00:18:12,091 --> 00:18:14,527 My husband and I were products of our time, 461 00:18:14,594 --> 00:18:16,229 but that doesn't excuse us disrespecting 462 00:18:16,329 --> 00:18:17,597 your remains the way we did. 463 00:18:17,697 --> 00:18:19,266 Though, not to toot my own horn, 464 00:18:19,366 --> 00:18:21,734 - there were nine toes I did not eat. - Hetty. 465 00:18:21,834 --> 00:18:23,403 The point is, I'm sorry. 466 00:18:23,536 --> 00:18:26,939 And we might be able to help right this wrong. 467 00:18:27,073 --> 00:18:29,242 Amunhotep, we can reunite you with your wife. 468 00:18:29,342 --> 00:18:30,910 Tell him, Jay. 469 00:18:31,010 --> 00:18:32,812 We did some research... there's this thing called the Internet. 470 00:18:32,912 --> 00:18:34,847 Turns out, you were quite a notable fellow. 471 00:18:34,947 --> 00:18:38,585 So notable, in fact, that we found your wife's mummy. 472 00:18:38,685 --> 00:18:40,187 Where is she? 473 00:18:40,287 --> 00:18:42,255 She's in a museum in Egypt, and you can join her 474 00:18:42,355 --> 00:18:44,824 along with your remains, if you want. 475 00:18:45,792 --> 00:18:47,627 - I'm going home? - That's right buddy, 476 00:18:47,727 --> 00:18:49,462 and I'm gonna with you, a-and when we get there, 477 00:18:49,596 --> 00:18:52,899 I can recite the incantation and free her from her mummy as well. 478 00:18:52,999 --> 00:18:55,134 You and your wife can finally be together. 479 00:18:55,235 --> 00:18:58,371 Thank you. Thank you so much. 480 00:18:58,438 --> 00:19:00,273 What's he saying, babe, is he happy? 481 00:19:00,373 --> 00:19:01,841 He's very pleased, Jay. 482 00:19:01,941 --> 00:19:05,278 Okay, so he's gonna call off the locusts and the mummy? 483 00:19:05,378 --> 00:19:07,146 And the herd of rats headed your way. 484 00:19:07,247 --> 00:19:09,216 Oh, didn't know about the rats. 485 00:19:09,282 --> 00:19:10,617 They were going to eat the locusts, 486 00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:12,285 and then prove to be a much bigger problem. 487 00:19:12,385 --> 00:19:13,486 I had this whole thing planned. 488 00:19:13,620 --> 00:19:15,188 Now, Peter, are you sure 489 00:19:15,288 --> 00:19:18,325 you will be able to memorize this incantation? 490 00:19:18,458 --> 00:19:20,260 You're talking to the guy who does a word-perfect version 491 00:19:20,327 --> 00:19:22,229 of Bill Murray's "It just doesn't matter" monologue 492 00:19:22,329 --> 00:19:23,162 from Meatballs. 493 00:19:23,296 --> 00:19:24,964 What is Meatballs? 494 00:19:25,097 --> 00:19:27,934 Oh, buddy. We got a whole plane ride to Cairo. 495 00:19:28,000 --> 00:19:29,636 We're gonna get into Rudy, the sad kid. 496 00:19:29,769 --> 00:19:31,504 We'll talk about Marty, the camp director, 497 00:19:31,638 --> 00:19:34,441 whose bed they hilariously put in the middle of the lake. 498 00:19:34,507 --> 00:19:36,075 Oh, and when we're done with Meatballs, 499 00:19:36,142 --> 00:19:38,578 we'll move on to the extended Ivan Reitman universe. 500 00:19:38,678 --> 00:19:40,513 - Can I ride in my box? - Nope. 501 00:19:42,148 --> 00:19:44,651 So, it all starts in a parking lot full of buses, 502 00:19:44,751 --> 00:19:47,287 where a bunch of ragtag hormonal teenagers 503 00:19:47,354 --> 00:19:49,489 are about to have the summer of their lives. 504 00:19:49,589 --> 00:19:50,890 Mm, yeah. 505 00:19:55,428 --> 00:19:56,729 It was really lovely, you guys. 506 00:19:56,829 --> 00:19:58,765 I did the spell, and, sure enough, 507 00:19:58,898 --> 00:20:00,967 Amunhotep's wife came out of the mummy. 508 00:20:01,067 --> 00:20:04,937 Oh, the moment when they first saw each other... Tingles. 509 00:20:05,037 --> 00:20:06,239 Pete says it was really sweet 510 00:20:06,339 --> 00:20:08,007 reuniting Amunhotep and his wife. 511 00:20:08,107 --> 00:20:09,509 Oh, I love that. 512 00:20:09,609 --> 00:20:12,579 Hey, Jay, do you hope we spend eternity together? 513 00:20:12,679 --> 00:20:14,881 This is a "must say yes" situation. 514 00:20:14,981 --> 00:20:17,350 - Yes. - There you go. 515 00:20:17,417 --> 00:20:20,219 It was a lay-up, but you still got to make those. 516 00:20:20,287 --> 00:20:22,855 I will be sorry to retire Marge Gunderson... 517 00:20:22,922 --> 00:20:24,957 But okey dokey. 518 00:20:25,057 --> 00:20:27,093 Say, you happen to do a Philly accent? 519 00:20:27,226 --> 00:20:29,629 Well, that depends on whether or not 520 00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,698 you can move that glass of... 521 00:20:31,798 --> 00:20:33,700 - "wah-der"? - Say more. 522 00:20:33,800 --> 00:20:35,635 I saw on the boob tube that the Eagles 523 00:20:35,768 --> 00:20:37,470 - are gonna be good this year. - Yeah. 524 00:20:37,570 --> 00:20:39,439 Let's go throw, uh, batteries 525 00:20:39,539 --> 00:20:40,907 at Santy Claus. 526 00:20:40,973 --> 00:20:42,975 - You like that? - Mm-hmm.