Original subtitles

Narrator: Coming up, is murr ready to rumble?

Would you excuse me while I have a quick bowel movement?

[ laughter ]

Will everything "twerk" out for joe?

Hey!

[ laughter ]

And which losing jokers will be stuck on the wrong side

Of the glass in tonight's double punishment?

[ screaming ]

[ laughter ]

Sal: Prepare for something amazing.

Q: Hey, mustache, what's up?

[ laughter ]

Murr: Like a boss!

[ laughter ]

Sal: I will never forgive you!

Joe: Larry!

[ laughter ]

Sal: Excellent, excellent, and need improvement.

Today, we're being interviewed for a documentary.

Now, the interviewer that's been brought in thinks

That the interview and the characters

We're playing are real.

Now, the catch is, the characters we're playing

Have been created by the other guys.

If you refuse to do or say anything, you lose.

Interview, yeah. Interview.

♪♪

Q: All right, buddy. Let's see who you are.

[ laughter ]

My name is putney tup.

I'm a simple man who witnessed a murder.

You understand what we're going for here?

You're a -- you're a simple man. Yeah. Simple man.

You're forrest gump.

Also carrying a fully melted ice cream cake.

We pay attention to details.

Okay.

[ laughter ] okay.

Joe: There's a fake set here, right? We have jay and cole, of course,

Helping us out to sell it as a real documentary shoot,

Which it's not. Hello. How are you?

I'm good. I'm good. This is dawn.

I want you to kiss your own hand when you greet them.

Oh. [ laughter ]

All righty.

My name is putney. Putney.

And I witnessed a murder of a man. Did you?

Wow. "my cake is crying."

My cake is crying.

This is your birthday?

Oh, my birthday's in 49 days.

[ laughter ]

I witnessed my mailman get bloodied up real bad.

Holy shit.

"the mailman ain't got no more birthdays."

The mailman, there will be no more birthdays for him.

"they put him in a wood bed."

They put him in the wood bed.

This was a while back? A w-while back.

[ laughter ]

"have you shot hoops?" have you ever shot hoops?

What do you mean? Like, play basketball?

Yeah. Yeah, but I...

I witnessed a murder.

[ laughter ]

Ice cream headache. Ice cream headache. Ooh!

Fight for it, fight for it. It's just delicious.

[ laughter ] my brain hurts.

Oh, brain freeze.

Aaaah! Oh.

Slow down. Yes, slow down on it, so you don't...

"my brain is a-freezing!"

My brain is a-freezing!

"my brain needs a jacket."

My brain needs a jacket.

[ laughter ]

"I'll take a hot chocolate if you're making it."

[ laughter ]

I'll take a hot chocolate if you're making it.

[ laughter ]

Just stand up and sit on the apple box.

It's so nice out today. It's gorgeous.

Pop down right there.

Yeah.

You don't want to sit on that. I'll sit down here.

Oh, you just sat on the cake. What's that?

[ laughter ]

It was starting to come off, and now it's on your ass.

Hopefully -- I think you're fine in the end.

[ laughter ]

Pop your shoe off and just start rubbing your foot.

Get confused, think the cake's your shoe,

Put your shoe back on.

[ laughter ]

-Oh. -Oh.

Is he gonna do it? I can't wait.

Joe: Thinking about those socks. How expensive were those socks?

"where'd we buy them? Can I get back to the store?"

Yeah, put your shoe on. There you go.

Is he gonna do it?

[ laughter ]

[ buzzer ] and there's your point!

[ laughter ] ah, he's back. The return.

When you say, "murr, you have to play a character,"

This is the character we make him play.

This is all anybody wants to see.

"my name is stanley merkel, and I'm a creep."

That's all it's says.

Sal: Do you need more?

Thank you. Jordan, right?

Yes, yes, yes. Very good.

"I can hear your breathing, jordan."

I can hear your breathing, by the way.

[ ominous music plays ]

[ laughter ]

Murr, explore the perimeter.

Do you mind if I...

♪♪

[ laughter ]

Just caress everything, murray.

[ laughter ] look at murray's hand.

Exactly.

Look. He can't even look straight.

Murray can't even look back at him.

[ laughter ]

Murr, just look at the camera and go, "ah, pov stuff."

Ah.

Point of view camera.

[ laughter ]

Start waving at your ass like you farted

While you're staring in the camera.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh, no, wait.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Oh.

Oh.

Thank you.

[ laughter ]

That's robust.

[ laughter ] keep complimenting him.

The diameter circumference of this is quite...

Thank you.

[ laughter ]

It's just...Vitality.

[ laughter ]

"are you ever gonna ask any questions?"

Are you ever going to ask me any questions?

When I get the cue from jay, I will.

Grand.

[ laughter ] "do you have children?"

Do you have children?

Um, one on the way.

Congratulations. That's excellent.

Yourself? I'm a stepfather,

But one day perhaps.

How old? 13 at this point, yeah.

I'm 45.

"at this point."

At this point.

That will change.

You understand? Time.

[ laughter ]

"well, time for a b.M."

[ laughter ]

Would you excuse me while I have a quick bowel movement?

[ laughter ]

I bid you "a doo-doo."

[ laughter ] [ ding! ]

Murr: There he is.

Where are you, q?

"antoine gunk,

Self-absorbed lead singer of internationally famous rock band

Gunk tank."

Yeah. "and your band was much bigger overseas

Than in the u.S. In the late '80s, early '90s."

-Right this way, antoine. -All right, man.

You can shut that behind you.

Yeah. I'll shut my own door. That sounds like right.

[ laughter ] man: Antoine.

And away we go.

Hey. Hey. Hello. How are you?

I'm antoine gunk. How are you?

I'm sue. Nice to meet you.

"you're not one of my kids, are you?"

Okay, you're not one of my kids, are you?

No. [ laughter ]

Sue, you feel good with the questions, right?

Be obsessed about getting asked a question.

Hey, man, is it all right if I know some of the questions?

You're gonna find out in just a minute.

Well, sometimes I give answers that are real crazy, man.

One time in this german magazine,

I said the most [bleep] up shit.

[ laughter ]

You can't catch me more than once.

You know what I mean, sue? I don't know what you mean.

[ laughter ]

Every country has its own laws, so I just avoid them, man.

Oh, man. But, like, what, do you live in other countries?

"yeah, I've gigged all over the world."

I've gigged everywhere.

I gigged in germany...

-Australia. -Australia.

...In australia.

"I punched a kangaroo in its [bleep] face."

[ laughs ]

Oh, man.

[ laughter ]

I've gigged everywhere.

I gigged in germany...

-Australia. -Australia.

...In australia.

"I punched a kangaroo in its [bleep] face."

[ laughs ]

Oh, man. I punched this [bleep] kangaroo

In its face one time, man.

You punched a kangaroo?

"I've gigged in the safaris in africa."

I gigged in a safari in africa, man.

"punched a [bleep] hippo right in the face."

And then I [bleep] punched a hippo right in its face, man!

[ laughter ]

Do you still punch animals?

Oh, no. Okay, good.

"is that an official question, sue?"

Oh, is that one of the questions?

No, it's not. I knew it!

It's not. I knew you were gonna try and ask me about those animals, man!

It's not on here. You're the one

Just giving up information freely.

[ laughter ]

"sue, you're a hell of an interviewer."

Sue, you're a hell of an in-- you're better --

I got interviewed by oprah back in '92.

How was that?

"punched her."

I punched her, sue.

No, you did not. Oh, man!

[ laughter ]

"this has been great. Bye." and just March out.

All right. This has been great. Bye.

No! Wait.

[ laughter ] oh, wait. No.

Wait.

"what did you say to him? What did you say?"

What did you say to him?

I didn't say anything, I swear to god.

Is he gone? No, I don't know.

Gunk out, man.

Sues, call me, baby. We had something real.

No, no, wait.

[ door closes ]

[ laughter ]

He's crazy.

[ laughter ]

Did he talk about punching animals again?

A lot.

[ laughter ] [ ding! ]

Sal: Yeah! Q: There he is.

The return of cole von cole. Cole von cole.

C-o-l-e v-o-n c-o-l-e.

[ laughter ]

Here we go. Watch. Let's see her reaction

The moment her eyeballs see him.

There it is. Yep, there it is.

[ laughter ]

Name. Name.

Mo. Mo? Cole von cole.

Pleased to meet you.

"mo, you remind me of my daughter."

Mo, you remind me of my daughter.

Really? Not a compliment.

[ laughter ]

I've done this exact thing for andy warhol.

Really? I was the interviewer.

That's awesome.

You know, he lived as he painted.

Yeah. Yes.

Well.

[ laughter ]

From where?

I'm from cincinnati, ohio. Cincinnati.

"atrocious." atrocious.

Yeah, I mean, you can find the beauty in everything.

Oh, that's something ugly people say.

[ laughter ]

"they didn't even give me the wi-fi password."

Do you know the wi-fi password? No.

"titty titty titty obama."

[ laughter ]

It's "titty titty titty obama."

[ laughter ] "capital o."

Capital o.

[ laughter ]

"I like you. You can use my plane."

I like you. You can use my plane whenever you wish.

Oh, thank you. I will. I'll hit you up for that.

"hit me?!" hit me?!

You're going to hit me? Not, hit you up.

Like, an expression like, "oh, I'll give you a call."

Oh, oh. Telephone me. Yes.

"I'll smash you in the teeth with a [bleep] phone one day."

One day I'll smash you in the teeth with a [bleep] phone,

And we will -- we'll be in touch.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Sorry.

I was told that you've been given a background of me

Because I don't like talking to people

That don't know much about me. Well, tell me about yourself.

-"I'm atrocious." -I'm atrocious.

Self-hatred is very important now in today's industries.

Okay, what did you say?

You know self-love? Yes.

Self-hate is as important as self-love.

And if anybody tells you different,

Is lying to your [bleep] mouth.

"I didn't become a light bulb magnate by liking myself."

I didn't become a light bulb magnate by liking myself.

No, absolutely not. No, you hate yourself.

You stay up nights crying, punching yourself in the face,

Looking in the mirror, and saying, "you're not good enough."

"and then you suck off gerald ford."

[ laughs ] write that down.

Also footnote -- suck off gerald ford.

[ laughter ]

Oh, new orleans. So hot.

I got in trouble there for a week.

I was too young to get in trouble when I was there.

So was I.

[ laughter ]

Billy joel and I once lit a fire.

He said he didn't start it.

"one thing I've learned in life..."

One thing I learned in life...

Remember this. Write this down.

"...Remember to salt your meat."

Remember to salt your meat.

[ laughter ]

Disney is currently making a film about my life.

Really? They're getting truman capote to play me.

So who are you playing? Truman capote.

[ laughter ]

Okay, cole, explore the space.

Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

Oh, no.

[ laughter ] sal: Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

[ laughter ]

How is she indulging this?

♪♪

[ thud ]

[ laughter ]

It's a pull.

[ laughter ] [ ding! ]

Narrator: Prince herb had character flaws,

So he's first up on the loser board.

Today we're at the cafe at art factory,

And we've stumbled across something very personal.

Our daughters' diaries.

While chatting with a stranger,

We've got to get them to agree that it's okay

To read three diary entries.

The catch is that the entries

Have been written by the other guys.

If you can't get through three diary entries, you lose.

[ whispering ] secrets.

♪♪

Q: All right, dad. Here we go.

You deal with these focus-group things before or no?

No, it's my first time.

Oh, yeah? Yeah? Yeah.

I come here. You know, I write sometimes.

You know, I just bring my...

Oh, wait a minute.

I accidentally grabbed my daughter's backpack,

And I just realized it at this moment.

Smooth. He's in.

It's her journal.

I mean, I should take a peek at her journal, right?

As a dad, to check in. No?

She will kill you. Yeah, she'll kill me, you think?

[ laughter ]

I should read one, right?

Maybe one. Let's read one.

Q: Here we go, buddy. Let's take a look.

"dear diary, dad is such a loser."

[ laughter ]

Joe: I should read one, right?

"dear diary, dad is such a loser."

[ laughter ]

I waste no time.

"he's 44 and trying to become a tiktok star."

[ laughter ]

"it's so embarrassing. And if he tries to get dana

To teach him how to twerk one more time,

I'm gonna lose my [bleep]" -[ laughing ] twerk?

I really didn't even know it. She turned me on to it.

And you ain't doing nothing if you ain't twerking, so...

[ laughter ]

I should try one more maybe I don't...

Try one more? One more.

Yeah, one more, one more. Okay. We're in.

Sal: All right, buddy. Page 4.

"dear diary...

Todd tried to give me another wet willy in the schoolyard,

But this time I grabbed him by the throat

And strangled him until he passed out,

Just like dad showed me."

[ laughter ]

Well, that's two. I mean, we can't leave it

At an even number, right? We got to read one more.

All right. One more.

One more, one more. You're in.

How about page 13, buddy?

Okay. "dear diary, I hate the family swear jar.

Dad says the money is for my college,

But I know he uses it for boys' night out.

There ain't no swear jar here,

So [bleep] that fat, stupid-ass [bleep] mouse [bleep]"

[ laughter ]

See if you can get her to read it.

Just be like, "did I read that right?"

Did I read that right? Could you read that for me?

Just that bottom sentence there.

"[bleep] that fat, stupid-ass [bleep] mouse [bleep]"

[ laughter ]

You should tell her she has to put $4 in for the swear jar.

That's right. That's $4 right there. She owes us $4.

Joe, I'll give you 100 bucks

If you'll twerk out of the room right now.

And I am not kidding. If you twerk your way out of the room,

There's a fresh $100 back here.

Hey, cole. Could you just announce to the room,

"okay, who's ready to get to 'twerk'?"

Who's ready to get to "twerk"?

Hey!

[ laughter ]

♪♪

I made a cool hundo.

I said, "twerk out of the room." keep twerking.

[ laughter ]

Look!

[bleep] hell yeah. He's twerking.

You're twerking? Like, you look like you [bleep] your pants.

Twerk it out the room.

[ laughter ] [ ding! ]

Murr: Here we go, q.

Q: Let me ask you your opinion on something.

I actually snagged my daughter's backpack today.

Okay. So in it, I found her diary.

Sal: Here we go.

Now, as a parent, do I peek?

Ooh. She might not even let you open it.

If you just want to make sure everything's okay...

That's it's. Just, like, an overview.

Just don't let her know.

Oh! She gave permission. All right, q.

Page 2, buddy.

"dear diary. Dad came into my room.

He plunged his meaty paw into the --" that's what we call it.

"into the fish tank, pulled out one of my fish,

And ate it just to make my boyfriend laugh."

He's a pimp. "then my boyfriend jumped out of bed

And ate a fish just to make my dad laugh.

Then two of them went back and forth

Until we ate all the fish." and then she says,

"worst valentine's day ever."

[ laughter ]

I love that kid.

He was downing goldfish like he was going into college.

And you're okay with her dating this crazy boy?

Well, I was the one that got the pufferfish stuck in my throat.

It went "bff," like that. [ laughter ]

I mean, this sounds like normal stuff to you, right? [ cellphone buzzes ]

Oh, oh, she's taking a phone call.

[ laughter, clapping ]

Oh, no.

Did he throw out the eggs?

[ laughter ]

My son has a mini fridge. I'll bring it in.

Okay. [ laughter ]

Look at q! Q can't even look at her.

[ laughter ]

Is everything okay?

I should probably read one more that I wasn't there, right,

Just to make sure everything's, like, okay.

Well, you could put it away.

[ laughter ]

After all that.

After all that song and dance.

You think I should shut it down?

Put it away and never tell her.

-Ah! Yes! -Ah!

[ buzzer ] joe: Oh, yes.

Narrator: Close the book on q and prince herb.

They're in for a double punishment.

Well, our big losers are herb and q,

So today for their punishment,

Boys, you're gonna be motivational speakers

Presenting to a roomful of strangers.

That's right, but every few minutes, guys, you're gonna have

To step out of the room and get each other pumped up. Mm-hmm.

Here's the catch. Ooh!

Your break room is actually on the other side

Of a two-way mirror.

So while you're pumping each other up,

The whole room will be able to see everything you're doing

And hear everything you say. Got it. Okay.

What are we doing to pump each other up?

Oh, we went shopping.

[ laughter ]

All right. So nice to have you guys.

Joe: Guys, we don't want them to think anything is up.

You have to be in there, and you are motivational speakers.

We don't care how embarrassed you are. Play it real.

Get through it. Stay amped, boys.

My name is prince. This is...

Hi. I'm brian. ...Brian.

We're motivational speakers.

We tour colleges, corporations for hire.

Unlock the best version of yourself within yourself.

Pretty much.

Okay, let's get started. Waking up early.

Okay, this is something that I didn't do

Until very, very recently,

Even despite the fact that I was a motivational speaker.

Routine is the most key thing.

And it only takes two weeks to develop a routine.

Two weeks.

I need more motivation.

Go pump each other up a little bit.

We're gonna excuse ourselves for one second

To do a little quick powwow. Would you mind?

I don't mind. Just a moment.

No, not at all. Not at all. Great.

[ laughter ]

Murr: So that right there is one big-ass two-way mirror.

So it's a fun house, that room, right? There you go.

We've planted a bunch of stuff in that room

For them to use to pump themselves up.

And their mics are always on.

Dude, I like it. What about you?

I think it's going great, man.

[ indistinct conversation ]

Start giving them nicknames, okay?

You know who's really into it?

Paddington bear out there.

Paddington bear out is loving it.

[ laughter ] you think paddington bear's into it?

You should see freaking pitbull's cousin.

But I felt like pitbull's cousin,

Maybe he needs us to pump him up a little bit.

You know what I'm saying? [ laughter ]

Don't pretend you don't see the trampolines, by the way.

Come on. Let's do it. Come on. Let's do it, baby.

We got to just get amped. We just got to get amped.

We just got to do it. Get amped.

[ laughter ]

My pants. They're coming down.

Joe: His pants are falling!

[ laughter ]

"I'm so amped!"

I'm ready! Tell me you're ready!

Tell me to my face! I'm ready!

Murr: Go back in there! Get get 'em, guys!

Q: I'm ready! Tell me you're ready!

Tell me to my face! I'm ready!

Murr: Get get 'em, guys!

What we want to do first is, we want to go right

To the next page here, guys.

[ laughter ]

Reading. Raise your hand if you're an active reader,

That you practice reading all the time.

Excellent, excellent, excellent, excellent.

Need improvement.

[ laughter ]

Work smarter, not harder.

Who's your boss?

[ indistinct talking ]

You are your boss! You! You, you, you!

You are your boss! You are your boss! You are your own boss!

All right, guys, get out of the room again.

Hey, bud, hey, bud, can we have a quick chinwag for a second?

Yes. Uh-huh. Thank you.

[ laughter ] thanks, guys.

Go. Go fast.

Do it. Who's doing it?

We're doing it. That's right.

You can see the levels are coming up now.

"I tell you, we got dead eyes back."

Dead eyes out there, old dead eyes came to life.

[ laughter ]

You guys hungry? 'cause there's a lemon on the table.

So you can take a bite of that. You know what wake you up?

A mouthful of lemon.

What do we got? I need someone to pick me up.

[ muffled ] juice up. Just juice up, like.

Ah. The seed. It's the seed, amigo.

[ laughter ]

You might notice some smelling salts in there.

Feel free to use the room.

I spit fire.

Smelling salts?

Oh. I've never done -- all right.

[ laughter ]

Wake up. Wake up.

Oh, my god! Wow.

Oh! Ohh!

[ laughter ]

Oh, my god, that's the worst thing

I've ever done in my life. You said that was good.

"but I'm so amped."

But I'm so [bleep] amped!

Dude, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. Yeah!

Come on. Go.

Who's ready for motivation right now? Let's do this.

Now let's do it.

Q: Meditate daily. Meditate daily.

You know what that means?

Take a moment to be quiet and have a little peace

And quiet for yourself. Got to calm the mind.

Got to calm the mind.

[ laughter ] joe: This is it.

I want you to say the word "communicate" six times.

Communicate, communicate, communicate, communicate,

Communicate, communicate. Communicate.

"speaking of communication, quick word."

Speaking of communication... Yes.

...Can I get your ear for one minute?

[ laughter ]

Guys, cheers. Whiskey and coffee.

Cheers, cheers, cheers.

Good, bud, good.

[ laughter ]

All right.

Start snapping towels.

[ laughs ] yeah! Yeah!

There's a car battery and some jumper cables. Yes.

Hey, come on! Yeah!

Bring it -- aaaah!

Aaaaahhh!

[ laughter ]

Get your karate kid on. Get amped, baby!

We motivate everyone, or we motivate nothing.

Hy! [ shouting indistinctly ]

[ shouts indistinctly ] motivate!

Yeah, yeah!

We planted some prop knives in the room.

Start stabbing the [bleep] out of each other.

Let's [bleep] do this!

Let's go! Aah!

[ both screaming ]

[bleep]

[ laughter ]

"are our mics on?"

[ both laugh ]

Sal: Are our mics on?

Our mics are on?

Oh [bleep] they see us.

[ laughter ]

All right, how about going back in now

And thank them for their time?

We just want to thank you guys for your time today.

Yes, thank you so much.

[ laughter ]

We got a little excited by this, but...

You -- you --

It goes without saying.

It goes without saying.

Yeah. Please.

Tell no one about it.

Just don't tell anybody what you've seen here today.

Those are trade secrets. So please don't give them out.

Okay, guys, recap the nicknames.

I am sorry I called you dead eyes.

I meant it as a compliment.

[ laughter ]

And you do realize if you take the hat off,

You look like -- you look like pitbull's cousin. You just do.

[ laughter ]

Who was paddington bear, in case it's not clear? Was it...

If it wasn't clear, you're paddington.

Q: It's the hat.

[ laughter ] you know.

You guys were our favorite group of the day, so...

"they sucked." "they sucked."

Sal: They sucked, bro. Q: Dude, they sucked.

[ laughter ]