Original subtitles

Good evening and welcome to the first annual

Impractical jokers awards.

That's right. Tonight, we're awarding iconic moments

In silly categories that represent the very heart

Of what "jokers" has been for the past nine years.

And the winner of each category was voted on

By the hollywood foreign press.

Totally not true.

The winner of every category was voted on by our beloved crew.

Thank you.

The hollywood foreign press doesn't even know we're on air.

Hey, so let's find out who gets to take home

The most of these bad boys.

And remember, if you refuse, you lose.

No, not tonight.

No? Oh. Force of habit.

♪♪

So what are we calling this? Like, the joker?

It doesn't have a ring to it, the impractical joker award.

No, I actually came up with something, boys.

You know how television has the emmys?

Yeah. We have the emmers, right, guys?

Named after beloved rob emmer.

Our friend who used to work on the show

That you've seen a million times.

Sal! I need my job!

Come on, sal, please!

Please, please give me my job back.

I got to be honest, I didn't care too much

If I won or lost until you named it the emmers.

Now I want to sweep every category.

Murr: It's the robert a. Emmer memorial award.

I'll tell you what I'm most excited about today --

The crew is actually the ones giving all the awards, right?

They're all dressed up, which you guys can't see.

But to us, it's stunning.

Yeah, you all look stunning.

Alright, well, let's bring out our first award, shall we?

[ cheering ]

Steven hopper and allison lane, everyone.

Hi. I'm alli lane, one of the show's execs

And overall keeper of the coin.

And I'm hopper, one of the big spenders of the coin.

[ laughter ]

And we're here today because we have the honor

Of presenting the award for best challenge.

We're starting off with best challenge?

That's the way the jokers awards goes, guys.

We start the top,

Just like our first season was our best

And we've been slowly going downhill.

It was really difficult to pick

Just five bits out of so many great ones.

So we selected a few of the best that we've done multiple times

And are guaranteed to split sides.

But they'll never split ends.

[ laughter ]

Yes! Well done.

The nominees for best challenge are...

♪♪

Cranjis mcbasketball, aka the name game.

Gal ga-donut.

[ laughter ]

Count ravioli?

Count ravioli? No, stefan.

Oh, stefan, alright.

Beef mcwhatnow?

Oh, my god.

[ laughter ]

How about a cleo dookieslide?

Cleo?

I don't know what this list is. This is not the list.

Alli: Fly me to balloon.

Sal: Oh, it's on!

Murr: How doesn't she know this?

It's on her hair.

Sal: Ohhhh.

Don't call it a comeback!

She looks like pippi longstocking.

Bad reception.

Walnuts?

No, I'm good.

[ laughter ]

♪♪

Two-way mirror, aka now you see me.

Yeah, the nets.

I am, yeah.

I got the nets, that you'd like to see them live.

Steven: And house sitters.

This is the bedroom.

This is -- I got to paint over it.

This is the old tenant. I mean, you know.

♪♪

Q: It's the girl from "the ring."

♪♪

Some powerhouses. Powerhouses.

And the emmer goes to...

Oh, my god.

Both: Two-way mirror.

Joe: What an upset. I didn't see that.

Q: That would not have been my choice.

Who accepts the award? Can I take it?

Yeah, yeah, except I'm gonna need it back

Because our budget only has two of those.

-Okay. [ laughter ]

I'm so excited to see the next award.

I really am. It's going to be exciting

To see who comes out and what they're wearing.

♪♪

-What a power couple. -Superstars.

Hi, I'm mike damiani. I'm the technical director.

No, you're big mike.

It's true. Run it back.

[ laughter ]

Hi, I'm big mike, and I'm the technical director.

I'm danny hollis. I'm the audio supervisor.

-Whoo! -Danny!

And we're here to present the best kiss award.

-Best kiss?! -Ooh.

Now, a kiss is like being told by the jokers

That the audio sounds great.

Or the shots look awesome.

But we don't get kisses from the jokers.

We get knuckle sandwiches.

"why didn't you get the shot?"

"why is it so loud?"

"why is it taking so long?"

So before we get a knuckle sandwich right in the kisser,

Here are the nominees.

♪♪

Murr in "murr marries sal's sister."

[ cheers and applause ]

I'm gonna break out of this.

Danny: Sal in "abs kisser."

For one second, can I kiss your abs?

[ laughter ]

That ends the story of you and I.

Q in "find the mouth."

Kiss -- you know, just kiss a bunch of strangers.

You want to try it?

[ laughs ]

Danny: And joe in "bathrobe."

Sal: Just keep kissing her.

What was your name?

[ laughter ]

Alright, wow. Stiff competition all around.

And the emmer goes to...

Both: Murr in "murr marries sal's sister."

Murr: Yes! Yes!

Q: That's what I would have voted for.

Really it's sal's victory there.

[ laughter ]

Joe: Just leave now. Just go. Just get out.

Q: Get out of here. Take your stupid jacket.

Alright, guys, well, stay tuned

Because there's a lot more emmers to come.

Narrator: That's right, joe.

Coming up is the award for best contraption.

And stick around to see who wins the coveted

Best punishment trophy

When the impractical jokers awards continue.

♪♪

I can't wait to see the next award, guys.

Alright, bring them out.

[ cheers and applause ]

The art department.

Why does everybody who works on our show look better than us?

Doesn't get more hip than the art department.

That's right. It's insane. Look at these guys.

Thank you. Thank you. Well, should we get into it?

-Yes. -Please.

Alright. This is will thaxton, our production designer,

And this is lucy goldberg, our art director.

And we make a lot of crazy shit for this show.

[ laughter ] -you do.

We also make a lot of boring stuff

Like fake cabinets to hide cameras.

But this category is just about the cool stuff.

Because that other shit sucks.

[ laughter ] it does. It does.

And the nominees for best contraption are...

-Ooh. -Ooh, contraption.

♪♪

The chair in joe's "massage chair" punishment.

Murr: Joe, you're in a massage chair.

[ imitates buzzing ]

The car from hell

In q's "drive, drive, drive" punishment.

♪ it's one, two, three, four five ♪

Choke on it!

I think I fixed the squeaking, guys.

The bathroom in sal's "bathroom of horrors" punishment.

And the spaceship in murr's "astro-not" punishment.

-Here we go. -Drink it.

[ laughter ]

Let's give a round of applause.

You're the real winners here, guys.

You're the real winners.

And the emmer goes to...

The car from hell in q's "drive, drive, drive" punishment.

♪ drive, drive, drive, drive, drive ♪

♪ it feels so good to be alive ♪

No, oh, stop the song. We're losing him.

Anyone else as excited as me to see the next award?

[ laughter ] let's make it happen.

[ cheers and applause ]

Q: Look at this!

Wow, stella and chá, everybody.

Well, hi, everybody. I'm stella psomias.

I'm the production manager.

And chá. [ scoffs ] you know me.

[ laughter ]

That's right, and we're here to present best stunt

Because we're always...

Both: Stunting on the jokers.

[ cheers and applause ]

Yup, and if one of the jokers like, "get me an iced tea,"

I'm like, "get it yourself, bitch."

[ laughter ]

Now, here are the nominees for best stunt, bitch.

♪♪

Sal in "dizzy waiter."

[ laughter ]

Joe: Go!

[ laughter ]

Murr in "I know her from college."

♪♪

Oh [bleep]

-Oh! -Oh, my god!

[ laughter ]

Q in "tightrope."

Man: Keep going. Keep going.

[ cheers and applause ]

Joe in "I'm the manager."

Joe: I'm okay. I'm a manager.

This is happening.

Ohh!

I'm a manager.

No, no, it's good.

Oh, I fell. I fell.

-Nice work. -Thank you. I still hurt.

And the emmer goes to...

I'm nervous.

Joe in "I'm the manager."

I still don't walk right. I still don't walk right.

But now I have a thumb. -Suffer for your art.

-Thank you, ladies. -Thank you, ladies.

I broke a foot on mine. I broke a foot.

You're not good at stunts.

So that's why.

Guys, I can't wait to see the next award.

[ laughter ]

You're really into this, man.

[ cheers and applause ]

Joe: Well done. Look at this.

Hello. I'm don-ya'.

I'm the stylist and costume designer for the show.

And I'm lillybeth gonzalez, the jokers' makeup artist.

And depending on what the creative is,

We are in charge of making the jokers look fabulous.

Or as hideous...

As we possibly can, which is hard.

And here are the nominees for best costume.

Joe as "captain fatbelly."

Y'all can suck it!

[ laughter ]

Sal as "bog monster."

Murr: Go get it! Go get it, bog monster.

Get it, get it.

Q: Get it, bog monster. Get it.

[ shouts ]

Don-ya': Q as "barnyard spider."

Man: Spider kick!

Spider punch!

Spider uppercut!

Murr as "gospel vampire."

♪ hallelujah ♪

♪ hallelujah ♪

What is the audience thinking?

All: Ohhh.

These are good.

Wait, they basically just picked our action figures.

And the emmer goes to...

Both: Sal as "bog monster."

Wow, that was a long day in the swamps of new orleans.

Not for us.

How's that concussion when I hit you with the oar?

The concussion hurt.

Also a lot of parasites in the pee hole that day.

The future looks bright for the jokers awards.

[ laughs ]

Narrator: Which joker whipped himself into shape

To win best workout?

Find out when the impractical jokers awards continue.

I know I've said it before,

But I'm most excited for the next award.

[ laughter ]

Let's see what we got.

[ cheers and applause ]

-Look at you guys. -Rock stars.

Hi, I'm geoff celis, director of photography.

And I'm jay miller, director of -- producer.

[ laughter ]

And we're here to present the best live performance.

You know something? I wish we were presenting best challenge

Because my favorite is quit fantastically.

Hmm. Was that in season six?

Oh, no, in season six, I was fired fantastically.

[ laughter ]

And the nominees for best live performance are...

Sal in "butterfly crime scene."

♪ dead butterflies, dead butterflies ♪

♪ butterfly crime scene ♪

Murr in "thunder from down under."

Joe: Yeah, that's sexy. There you go.

Own it, murr. You're sexy.

You're sexy, bitch!

Q: Yee-haw, yee-haw!

Q in "q-sical."

♪ can you climb up a ladder? ♪

♪ I can't do that ♪

♪ could you get any fatter? ♪

♪ I can do that ♪

Geoff: Joe and sal in "shut your face, grandma.

Both: ♪ shut your face, grandma ♪

♪ shut your [bleep] damn face ♪

♪ shut your face, grandma ♪

[ laughter ]

Alright. All great choices.

And the emmer goes to...

Both: Murr in "thunder from down under."

Thanks, guys.

You really earned it.

My allergies were good for something.

So thrilled for the next one. Let's just do it.

-Let's do it. -Show murray the next one.

-Leo dicaprio! -Finally, celebrities.

Q: Wow.

I'm bargain-basement, matt damon.

And I'm deep discount leonardo dicaprio.

Hey, weren't we in "the departed" together?

That was more like "the de-farted."

[ laughter ]

I'm matt damon.

[ laughter ]

And the nominees for best supporting animal are...

Biscotti in "watch my dog."

Her name is quinoa

Because I use her to hit on foreign white girls.

Pepe the came in "q in the zoo."

No, no, no, don't eat the toilet paper.

Ah!

Hey, is pepe allowed to eat my air conditioning?

Pepe, I don't eat my pool.

The sharks in "shark bait."

[ muffled screaming ]

And mama and her calf in "sal has a cow."

[ indistinct shouting ]

Wow!

Please help me.

Wow.

Heated animal race.

And the emmer goes to...

Pepe the camel in "q in the zoo."

He deserves it.

That's a cute little baby camel.

Over the moon excited for the next category.

[ cheers and applause ]

Oh, my goodness.

-Hey, guys. -The god and goddess themselves.

That's right. I'm dan "the man" cast,

But you already knew that.

And I'm nicole salamak,

Reigning champ of "joker for a day."

Nice pants, nicole.

Are you kissing the jokers' ass today?

No, they're actually kissing mine today.

[ laughter ]

Actually, they're kissing everybody's ass today.

[ laughter ]

Yes!

And he nailed it in one take!

Oh, my god, today's one of the best days of my life.

Well played, dan.

And while the jokers may look overweight on your thighs...

What? ...They do work out in real life.

And the nominees for best workout are...

-Ooh. -Ooh.

Joe in "gymnastics."

[ laughter ]

Sal in "krav maga."

[ laughter ]

Q in "breakdancing."

[ laughter ]

[bleep]

[bleep] [bleep] [bleep]

Murr: Oh, my god.

Murr in the "murr-athon."

[ laughter ]

I'm hydrated!

And the emmer goes to...

Joe in "gymnastics."

-Yeah! [ cheers and applause ]

Q: Oh, no.

Remember that day you started to have, like, a blackout?

Convulsions, yeah. 'cause your body seized.

I didn't have convulsions, first of all.

I went to the bathroom.

I kicked a little kid out of the bathroom.

I shut the door. I threw up. I passed out in the --

I woke up in a full sweat

Wedged between the sink and the door.

He was six years younger then.

[ laughter ]

But I was 20 pounds heavier.

Narrator: Coming up, who will take the big prize

For best punishment?

Find out after the break.

♪♪

Raise your hands at home if you're as excited as me

For the next one.

[ cheers and applause ]

It's "weekend at bernie's."

Hi, I'm marina catala,

Showrunner of "impractical jokers."

And I'm andrew hood, the show's director.

And we've been here to present the best punishment.

First, I got to say, hood, you are taking

Your punishment like a champ.

What -- what do you mean?

I mean, to think that the jokers would punish you,

The director,

A professional,

Forcing you to dress like that in front of national television.

This is how I normally dress.

It is hysterical to think that you --

Your job as the director

Is to make everyone look good in front of the camera.

And here you are looking like straight-up ass.

It's genius. Genius.

Thank you. Thank you.

And the nominees for best punishments are...

♪♪

Q and sal in "turquoise ring."

You want to -- you want to sell a ring here?

Andrew: Murr in "crydiving."

Together: Geronimo!

[ screaming ]

Q in "x marks the spot."

There's no words to describe how much I don't like you right now.

I don't like -- I don't like me right now.

Andrew: Sal in "bingo."

Bingo!

[ laughter ]

This is the worst punishment I've ever had.

Marina: Joe in "genie."

I wish for a palace.

Genie does as you wish.

[ laughter ]

Q: Look at the audience.

Murr: He has destroyed the whole set.

Andrew: Sal, murr, and q in "tattoos."

Oh, man, what a nightmare.

Three, two, one.

[ laughter ]

Murr: Oh, my god, is that jaden smith?

That's not real. That's not real. It's a joke.

What the [bleep] does that have to do with me?

Coming back, here we come from the closer.

-Ohh. -Directing from the podium.

And the emmer goes to...

-Ooh. -Ooh.

Both: Sal, murr, and q in "tattoos."

[ cheers and applause ]

-Congratulations. -Thank you, guys.

Wow.

Wow. So I guess I'm the winner, right?

Because I'm the only one without the tattoo.

[ laughter ]

Jaden, would you like to say a few words?

[ cheers and applause ]

-Simmy can't stand your bits. -In a tuxedo.

Can't stand your bits, everyone.

The man that signs your checks.

Quiet, guys. I'm trying to do a bit.

[ laughter ]

Good evening.

My name is simmy kustanowitz,

And I have the distinct honor

Of presenting tonight's simmy r. Kustanowitz award

For excellence in comedy.

[ laughter ]

As the network executive for "impractical jokers,"

I have had the privilege of watching four talented,

Rapidly aging men find their comedic voices.

I can still remember the day I told joe gatto,

"why don't you call those potatoes

Scoopski potatoes?"

He did. And it was funny.

[ laughter ]

I fondly recall the moment I said to murr,

"hey, when you jump out of that plane,

Why don't you scream like crazy?"

He did. And it was good.

His idea. His idea.

Q found his comedic voice early on

When he referred to that one guy as "mustache."

Sorry, mustache.

Pretty sure that one was mine too.

[ laughter ]

And sal, well...

Remember that pile of elephant shit he had to dig through?

Breaking news -- it didn't come out of an elephant.

It came out of me.

[ laughter ]

Four brilliant comedic minds molded by another.

So without further ado,

I am enormously proud to present tonight's

Simmy r. Kustanowitz award for excellence in comedy to...

[ laughs ]

Oh, my god, it's me.

[ laughter ]

I-I -- I'm in shock.

This is the -- hold on.

[ laughter ]

I'm in shock.

The culmination of a lifelong dream.

Just being in the same category with these four,

I mean, wow.

So many people to thank -- my agent.

If I still have time, I'd like to take my wife

And three kids.

Julio and suzy, go to bed.

And to the four of you, thank you

For validating my parking.

Thank you so much.

Goodnight, everybody.

[ cheers and applause ]

Q: Wow.

♪♪

That was really fun. Thank you so much, guys, for joining us.

Let's hear it for the crew.

We love you guys.

-Give yourselves a hand. -Round of applause.

And a big thanks to rob emmer, everybody.

Rob emmer!

Rob emmer of the emmers.

So excited for the next award.

It's over. Show's over. Oh.