Original subtitles

David. David?

-Have you eaten anything? -Did you come straight from work?

No, I've been to the gym.

I hardly slept anything, I took a Stilnoct from you.

Still knocked out, right?

All right, I'll shower and change, and then we can go grab something.

Come on now.

-Did someone say anything at work? -No.

They just wondered how you are, but...

-What did you say? -Just that you're not well.

But...

You know... Siri came by today.

-At work? -Yeah, she wanted to talk.

Are you kidding?

-She shouldn't come to work. -No, I know, it's a little...

Well...

-What did she say? -She said lots of stuff.

-She was kind of broken... -She shouldn't talk to you.

I don't want you to talk to her.

No, I know, but she came to work. I can't just tell her to get lost.

No...

-But, what's your plan? -I don't know.

Okay. How long are you going to call in sick?

What, did anyone say anything?

No, but going to work might be good for you.

That you have something to do, besides staying at home, and...

I'm so fucking tired all the time.

But you get even more tired when you don't do anything, so...

Why don't you come to work tomorrow and see how you feel?

It's Friday, and it's only one day.

After that, you can chill at home all weekend.

It's Shane's last day. He's going back to Ireland.

We were planning to go out and have some fun...

-I can't be bothered to go out. -No, but maybe a beer?

Have a taste?

Come on now... Listen to what Papa Bear says.

Drag your fat ass to work tomorrow...

We're going to have a fucking blast on Friday.

Oops.

Hey, how's it going? Are you feeling better?

-Yeah, a bit better, thanks. -Good.

Just a reminder, I'll need a doctor's note

since there's been more than a week.

-Okay. -Yeah?

There's another issue too.

Your girlfriend was here yesterday looking for you.

She was really upset.

As you know, this is a work environment

and it's not appropriate for her to turn up like that.

-Yeah, no, I understand. -So if you could let her know.

-Yeah. -Thank you.

Thanks.

-Hi. -Why did you come to my office?

Are you out of your mind?

-You didn't answer. I just want... -You can't come to my office!

But I can't reach you. I don't know if we're over, or what's happening,

I'm just trying, I don't know...

Can you stop stalking me. You're embarrassing me!

I just want to talk to you, it's...

Thank you for calling Plus Phone South London.

My name is David. How can I assist you today?

Mario: Are you coming?

I'm coming

I've got one small glass and one big glass.

-Oh, double fist! -Do you really need that?

Shane! Shane!

So I look down at his little head, and its claws and that...

and it's still sort of alive, but I'm just thinking,

"This little fucker's dying", right?

So I ran down,

there were some people sort of behind us there and I was like,

"Listen, have you got anything that I can but some water in?

Cause I have this crab here in my hand, right?"

Right there!

So I ran down the street towards the water, to try to let it free.

And for a moment I think we're in with a bit of a chance there.

And before I know it,

the little fucker is dead... in my hand.

-Calm down. -Shane...

I think the whole world should be a bit kinder to animals.

Preach. Preach.

-I would like to be an animal... -Animal rescuer.

Animal rescuer, I want to be one of those!

-Yeah. -I'm gonna miss you, Shane.

Shane!

Come here, you sexy Irish fuck! Come here.

What have I missed?

Hey!

-Next, next. -Shut the fuck up!

It was the fucking...

-Next! Next. -Seriously?

From the ground up, man.

Jacqueline, let's go. Jacqueline, vraiment.

I'm wearing heels, it's like, lots going on.

Shane!

No clue where you're going, you fucking prick!

You're all a bunch of dickheads.

Could I have one beer and three tequila shots?

Where's my tequila?

Excuse me.

No, no.

A good ballsack has a good balance between the balls and the sack.

A bad ballsack is like a bag with all this floppy skin

and two small nuts chilling way down.

Or when they've got like no balls at all, they're like, right up here.

No sack at all, and they ask you, "Can you lick my balls?"

"Yeah, sure, if I can find them."

And they have to press them down!

-"Send the elevator down!" -Exactly!

-How's your ballsack? -Very well balanced.

-You'd love it. -Can I feel it?

-No, you can't feel my balls out. -Come on! Why not?

It's my ballsack!

Oh, I'm sorry, is this a touchy subject for you?

Not at all, just reacting to you asking if you can feel my ballsack.

You can feel my ballsack.

Yeah, don't be shy, yeah, feel it.

-That's impressive. -Okay, so are you a feminist?

Am I what?

What if I asked you if I could feel your pussy?

Oh my god, are you seriously gonna lecture me about feminism now?

I'm asking if you're a feminist? -I'm a woman. What do you think?

-Are you a feminist? -Of course.

-Yeah, of course you are. -I love the sarcasm.

Honestly, personally I feel it's a gift to all men, feminism.

Really? Feminism is a gift to men?

Yes. And I strive to leverage my preassumed authority of being a man

to argue that the system that gave me that authority is fucked up.

Well I think any guy raving about being a feminist

is simply hi-jacking the label just to score points.

Making feminism all about them, like everything else.

I don't think guys should call themselves feminists.

Okay, so wait. No, so you are not pro equality of sexes then?

-That's not what I'm saying. -It is, you just did.

Men can be advocates for the movement, or male allies,

or pro feminism, but never feminists, they're not entitled.

-Well, I am a feminist, so... -Whatever.

I'm also a humanist.

I apologise for wanting to feel your ballsack.

-You don't have to apologise. -Can we stop this?

Honestly, it's about you being a human being.

When I look myself in the mirror, I don't see gender.

I see a human being.

Yeah? Because privilege is invisible to those who possess it.

-End of conversation! -Oh my God!

End of conversation!

Okay. Fun fact though, still on your favourite topic.

It's about balls, right.

Did you know that chimpanzee ballsacks grow for every orgasm?

-How sick is that? -Where the fuck does that come from?

YouTube!

They also have a clip with a chimp making out with a frog.

-You should try that. -I love that one, I have.

Works every time, like a charm.

-So, how are you? -Good.

Someone said that you broke up with your girlfriend.

What?

Someone said that you broke up with your girlfriend.

-Who said that? -I don't know, just someone.

Baby, look.

-No... -Yeah!

-What's he said? -Exactly...

No, I'm not gonna reply. Why should I? This is my night.

-I don't know! -Then who the hell is it?

-I don't fucking know. -Someone's talking shit, obviously.

But Siri came to the office, right?

We were in reception, she was upset, people walked by.

People get these things.

-I can't stand people talking shit. -No, I hear you.

-It's not their fucking business. -No, I hear you.

You wanna go home?

Fuck, David. Listen, straight up.

I don't want to make things worse, but what Siri did is so fucked up.

And I get that you are sad,

and you don't want people to talk, but fuck them, okay?

You need to have fun now. Screw them, fuck them.

Hey, do you want another line?

Huh, you want another line? Hey?

I'm sorry.

Do you wanna turn around for me?

Fuck, I'm sorry.

You wanna touch yourself? Is that okay? Yeah?

Fuck. Okay.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

-Lie down. -What?

Lie down.

I'm sorry. It's not gonna happen.

It's okay.

Do you wanna finish?

-Do you want me to help you? -No.

Okay.

Have you got my bra?

Hi.

Hi.

What are you doing?

Trying to sleep.

What are you doing?

I'm sitting on Mario's roof.

How are you?

So-so.

And you?

Not so great.

Can't we meet and try to talk? Please, David.

I don't know, Siri.

Subtitles: Annika Bidner