Original subtitles

( screams of panic )

OH, ZIPPY WAS JUST SUPPOSED TO CLEAN THE TANK !

I GUESS I SHOULDN'T HAVE GIVEN HIM THE KEYS.

( chattering )

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO DESTROY THE TANK !

NOT IF I CAN HELP IT.

( babies crying )

OH, NO, MY SEPTUPLETS !

( grunting )

THANKS, STRIPPERELLA,

THAT WAS ONE HELL OF A BLOW JOB.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME,

I'M GONNA GO SPANK THE MONKEY.

YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING HE SAID WAS COMPLETELY RELEVANT

YET, SOMEHOW, IT JUST FELT INAPPROPRIATE.

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

OH, WOW, THESE WAX FIGURES LOOK SO LIFELIKE.

I WOULD SWEAR THIS IS REALLY STEVEN SEAGAL.

IT IS ME, I ACTUALLY WORK HERE.

JUST UNTIL I GET BACK ON MY FEET.

LADIES, GENTLEMEN AND CHILDREN OF ALL AGES,

FEAST YOUR EYES ON THE DAZZLING, ENCHANTING WONDER

THAT IS...

MAGIC !

OH, A FREE MAGIC SHOW !

( puppet voice ) NOW, YOU SEE THIS HANDSOME

VIRILE LIKENESS OF BRAD PITT...

NOW YOU DON'T !

OHHHH... !

FOR OUR NEXT TRICK,

WE NEED YOU ALL TO PLACE YOUR WALLETS, PURSES AND JEWELRY

IN THE CENTER OF THE ROOM.

( exciting chatter )

( puppet ) NOW YOU STUFF...

NOW YOU DON'T.

YOU'VE BEEN A MARVELOUS AUDIENCE.

I THINK WE WERE JUST ROBBED !

AND THOSE BASTARDS STOLE JUDY GARLAND !

( man ) LET'S HEAR IT FOR, CAT MEOW.

AND NOW, THE GIRL YOU'VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR,

SHE'S THE MOST ATTRACTIVE,

SEXIEST DANCER HERE AT THE TENDERLOINS--

UGH, I WISH HE WOULDN'T ALWAYS SAY THAT.

THE FIRST LADY OF FLESH...

EROTICA !

( rock music )

( wolf whistles )

OH, I LOVE YOU GUYS !

GIDDYUP, COWBOY !

CONGRATULATIONS, ICE HOLES,

ON WINNING THE STANLEY CUP !

AND NOW, HANDSOME, NAKED, RUGGED ATHLETES,

PREPARE YOURSELVES TO BE AMAZED,

BEWILDERED AND BEDAZZLED !

NOW YOU SEE THE PRICELESS,

ONE-OF-A-KIND STANLEY CUP TROPHY...

NOW YOU DON'T !

AND NOW, YOU SEXY JOCKS,

WE BID YOU FAREWELL.

WHOA, THAT SHORT GUY JUST CALLED US SEXY !

IS THAT GAY, OR WHAT ?

WHAT'S WITH THAT WEIRD GUY.

HE'S COMIN' OVER HERE.

I'M WITH THE, UH, NATIONAL ASSOCIATION OF EROTIC DANCERS.

EROTICA, I'M ELATED TO INFORM YOU THAT

I'M OFFICIALLY NOMINATING YOU

FOR THIS YEAR'S "STRIPPER OF THE YEAR" AWARD.

( gasp ) I'M NOMINATED FOR A "STRIPPIE" ?!

UH-HUH, SEE YA IN LAS VEGAS.

NO WAY !

THIS IS SO COOL !

THE TENDERLOINS IS FINALLY GONNA BE REPRESENTED

AT THE STRIPPIES !

YOU KNOW, I COULD REALLY USE SOME SUPPORT AT THE AWARDS SHOW.

( all together ) WE'RE GOING TO LAS VEGAS !

OH, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M REALLY HERE.

SOMEBODY PINCH ME.

HEY !

WHEN I SAID "PINCH ME" I DIDN'T MEAN IT LITERALLY.

BOY, AM I ITCHING TO DO SOME GAMBLING.

I HAVE A WHOLE SYSTEM WORKED OUT.

I BROUGHT $500.

BY THE TIME WE LEAVE HERE, I WILL HAVE DOUBLED MY MONEY.

I'M GONNA START WITH THIS $20.

I LOVE VEGAS.

THE DRINKING, THE GAMBLING, THE INDISCRIMINATE SEX...

BUT THAT'S THE SAME STUFF YOU DO AT HOME.

YEAH, BUT ALL THOSE THINGS ARE MORE FUN

WHEN YOU'RE ON VACATION.

WELL, I LOST IT.

YOU LOST YOUR WHOLE $20 ALREADY ?

NO, I LOST EVERYTHING.

WHOLE $500, IT'S GONE.

THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO LAST ME THE WHOLE WEEK.

I HAD A SYSTEM...

( man ) WELL, WELL, WHAT DO WE HAVE HERE ?

DID YOU GUYS COME TO WATCH THE STRIPPIES ?

F-Y-I, DIRK,

THE TENDERLOINS HAPPENS TO BE IN THE STRIPPIES THIS YEAR.

THAT'S RIGHT, EROTICA'S NOMINATED

FOR STRIPPER OF THE YEAR.

REALLY ?

WELL, SILICONES HAS THREE GIRLS NOMINATED.

( whistles )

THE ONLY HOPE YOU HAVE, IS COMING IN FOURTH.

HE'S JUST MEAN FOR NO REASON.

OH, LOOK !

THE AMAZING WALTER AND MOE !

THEY'RE THE WORLD'S MOST AMAZING MUSICIANS !

I LOVE PRESTIDIGITATION,

WE GOTTA GET TICKETS !

OHH, I LOVE PLAYING WITH MY JEWELS...

THIS NEXT HEIST IS GOING TO BE

THE MOST MAGNIFICENT, FANTASTIC ONE YET.

I'D APPRECIATE IT IF YOU'D STICK TO THE PLAN FOR ONCE.

ARE YOU CALLING ME A NON-PLAN-STICKER-TO-ER ?

HOW DARE YOU ?!

I ALWAYS STICK TO THE PLAN.

OH, REALLY ?

I MUST HAVE MISSED THE MEMO

THAT SAID WE WERE STEALING JUDY GARLAND !

BUT I LOVE JUDY GARLAND.

I KNOW YOU DO.

LOOK, WALLY, IS THERE SOMETHING YOU WANT TO TELL ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN ?

IT'S THE JUDY GARLAND,

THE LATE NIGHT TRIPS TO THE BATHHOUSES,

YOUR OBSESSION WITH SHOW TUNES...

I SAW THE WAY YOU WERE LOOKING AT THOSE HOCKEY PLAYERS.

SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING ? I'M GAY ?

I'M NOT GAY.

EVEN IF I WAS, WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING GAY ?

NOTHING !

I DIDN'T SAY THERE WAS ANYTHING WRONG WITH BEING GAY.

NOW YOU'RE PUTTING WORDS IN MY MOUTH.

I'LL PUT WHATEVER I WANT IN YOUR MOUTH !

DON'T YOU FORGET WHO'S RUNNING THIS SHOW.

BITCH !

UGH !

FIVE, SIX, SEVEN, EIGHT,

PIVOT TURN, STEP, HOLD, BEND AND SPLIT !

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA WIN THAT STRIPPIE.

HEY, GIRLS, LISTEN,

IS THERE ANY WAY ONE OF YOU COULD LOAN ME A LITTLE MONEY ?

I DON'T NEED A LOT, I, UH...

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE $100 I GAVE YOU ?

AND I GAVE YOU $200.

I HIT A BAD STREAK.

IT'S OKAY, IT'S PART OF THE PLAN.

I'LL WIN IT ALL BACK BECAUSE I HAVE A SYSTEM.

IT'S FOOLPROOF.

WE ALL LEFT OUR MONEY IN THE ROOM.

I'LL GET YOU SOME MONEY.

HEY, BOYS !

HERE YOU GO.

GOSH, EROTICA, AREN'T YOU NERVOUS ABOUT THE STRIPPIES ?

I COULD NEVER COMPETE IN A COMPETITION.

ONCE, I WAS IN A HOT DOG-EATING CONTEST

I WAS SO NERVOUS, I STARTED LAUGHING

AND A WEINER CAME OUT MY NOSE !

AAHHH...

OOH !

WAAAH !

THE COMPETITION'S GONNA BE TOUGH.

I'M THINKING ABOUT ADDING ONE MORE MOVE TO MY ROUTINE.

WHAT MOVE ?

SATAN'S PRETZEL.

( gasp ) SATAN'S PRETZEL ?

WELL, THAT'S HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE.

I SAW A GIRL TRY IT BACK IN MY HOMETOWN OF CAMELTOE, MISSOURI.

SHE BROKE HER LEG IN 37 PLACES,

AND SHE NEVER STRIPPED AGAIN.

COME ON, QUEENSTER, ROLL A NINE !

YOUR BABY NEEDS A NEW PAIR OF ROYAL SLIPPERS !

NINE... NINE !

YES !

HI, KEVIN.

WOW, LOOK AT ALL YOUR CHIPS.

YEAH ! THE QUEEN'S ON A ROLL !

THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND ?

SHE'S IN TOWN TO JUDGE THE STRIPPIES.

COME ON, YOUR MAJESTY, ROLL A FIVE !

FIVE, YES !

WOOP-WOOP...

( laughs )

MAYBE YOU SHOULD QUIT WHILE YOU'RE AHEAD.

ARE YOU KIDDING ?

THE SYSTEM'S WORKING, I'M UP $1,500 !

QUIT ?!

PUT EVERYTHING ON HARD EIGHT.

$1,500 HARD EIGHT.

I DON'T THINK THAT'S A VERY GOOD--

HARD EIGHT... HARD EIGHT, WHOO !

HARD EIGHT !

( Queen ) OOH, OOH, OOH...

IT'S A SYSTEM, THE SYSTEM WORKS !

I'M UP $15,000 !

PREPARED TO BE PERPLEXED AND ASTONISHED BY THE JOY OF...

MAGIC !

OOO, I LOVE MAGIC.

NOW YOU SEE US...

NOW YOU DON'T !

( gasp )

MY TIARA, MY PRICELESS TIARA !

IT'S BEEN STOLEN !

DON'T YOU TWITS REACT TO ANYTHING ?!

MY CHIPS !

ALL MY MONEY, IT'S GONE !

THIS IS NOT HOW THE SYSTEM IS SUPPOSED TO WORK !

( phone ringing )

CHIEF STROGANOFF ?

SORRY TO CALL YOU ON YOUR BRA PHONE,

BUT THIS IS URGENT.

TWO MASKED MAGICIANS HAVE JUST STOLEN THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND'S

PRICELESS TIARA.

I KNOW, I WAS THERE.

HOW DID YOU HEAR ABOUT IT SO FAST ?

LUCKY GUESS.

WE BELIEVE THESE ARE THE SAME MASKED MAGICIANS

WHO STOLE THE STANLEY CUP, ROBBED A WAX MUSEUM,

NUMEROUS SPERM BANKS AND MEN'S LOCKER ROOMS.

I'LL KEEP AN EYE OUT.

THAT'S GREAT, BUT THAT'S NOT THE REASON I CALLED.

I NEED YOU TO PLACE $1 MILLION ON THE METS

TO WIN THE SUPER BOWL.

CHIEF, THE SUPER BOWL IS FOOTBALL.

THE METS ARE A BASEBALL TEAM.

RIGHT.

THANK GOD I DON'T GAMBLE.

PERSEPHONE ?

EROTICA ?

OH, I MUST HAVE FELL ASLEEP.

YOU'VE BEEN OUT HERE ALL DAY ?

OH, I THINK I GOT A LITTLE SUNBURN.

A LITTLE ?

WOW !

THE AMAZING WALTER HAS BEEN HOLDING HIS BREATH UNDERWATER

FOR 15 LIFE-THREATENING MINUTES.

HOW DOES HE DO IT ?

IT'S MAGIC !

( audience gasps )

( cheers & applause )

WHAT A SPECTACULAR PRESENTATION !

THIS DOESN'T REMIND ME OF ANYTHING I'VE EVER SEEN BEFORE.

IT WAS GREAT THAT THE HOTEL

GAVE US FREE TICKETS FOR BEING ROBBED.

I'D RATHER THOSE MOBSTERS GIVE ME BACK MY $15,000.

PERSEPHONE, ARE YOU GONNA SIT DOWN ?

PEOPLE CAN'T SEE.

I CAN'T, IT HURT !

EVERYTHING HURT.

I CAN'T EVEN PUT ON CLOTHES.

FOR OUR NEXT TRICK,

WE ACTUALLY ARE GOING TO LEVITATE A BALDING EAGLE.

LEVITATE !

HOW DO WE DO IT ?

IT'S MAGIC.

OKAY, FOR OUR NEXT TRICK

WE'RE GOING TO NEED A VOLUNTEER.

WHO WANTS TO HELP UP SAW THE BALDING EAGLE IN HALF ?

HOW ABOUT... YOU !

I'M SORRY, BUT BALDING EAGLES ARE AN ENDANGERED SPECIES.

WE SHOULD FOCUS ON THEIR CONSERVATION,

NOT EXPLOIT THEM AS ENTERTAINMENT.

I DON'T CONDONE THE USE OF ANY ANIMAL

FOR THE AMUSEMENT OF AN AUDIENCE,

AND I CANNOT CONDONE THIS TRICK.

SO, NO, I WILL NOT VOLUNTEER.

YEAH, THAT'S GREAT, LADY, BUT WE WEREN'T TALKING TO YOU.

WE WERE TALKING TO... HIM !

MY TIARA !

MY PRICELESS TIARA !

WHAT ? HMM...

I THINK I KNOW HOW THE MASKED MAGICIANS ARE.

IT'S WALTER AND MOE.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT THEM ?

I KNOW THEY PUT ON ONE HELL OF A SHOW.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD PAY THEM A LITTLE VISIT TOMORROW,

SEE WHAT YOU CAN FIND OUT.

BUT TOMORROW'S THE STRIPPIES !

DON'T WORRY,

I'M SURE YOU'LL FIND A WAY TO FELL THE VILLAINS

AND SHOW UP AT THE STRIPPIES

JUST IN TIME TO PERFORM AND WIN.

( sighs ) OH, THE LIFE OF AN EROTIC DANCING

SUPERHERO/SECRET AGENT.

NOW, BE CAREFUL.

WALTER AND MOE ARE MASTERS OF ILLUSION.

THEY'LL DAZZLE YOU.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE YOUR EYES.

"THE LAS VEGAS POST" SAYS THEY'RE A MUST-SEE,

AN AWESOME DISPLAY OF WONDERMENT AND WHIMSY."

OKAY, I GET IT.

IF YOU LOVE MAGIC,

THEN YOU'LL LOVE WALTER AND MOE.

IF YOU CAN ONLY SEE ONE MAGIC SHOW, THEN IT--

LOOK AT ME !

I'M A QUEEN, I'M A QUEEN !

PLEASE... I'M TRYING TO WATCH "TRADING SPACES".

VERN IS OVER-BUDGET

AND PAIGE IS GOING TO BE VERY, VERY UPSET.

( doorbell ringing )

YES ?

HI, I'M APRIL.

APRIL, UH... MAYJUNE.

I'M A REPORTER, I'M HERE TO INTERVIEW YOU.

WHAT ?

WE DON'T HAVE AN INTERVIEW SCHEDULED TODAY.

WHO DO YOU WORK FOR ?

OH, UH, THE... NEW DAILY...

JOURNAL OF MAGIC...

TIMES-- GAZETTE-- MONTHLY.

PLEASE, COME IN.

ENTRE VOUS.

OKAY, SO LET'S GET RIGHT TO THE QUESTIONS.

YOUR STAGE SHOW IS SPECTACULAR.

WHERE WERE YOU WHEN THE QUEEN OF ENGLAND'S TIARA WAS STOLEN ?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO RECORD THIS INTERVIEW OR TAKE NOTES ?

I-- I HAVE A GOOD MEMORY.

HEY, IS THAT JUDY GARLAND ?

WHERE DID YOU GUYS GET THAT ?

WE BOUGHT IT. WE MADE IT.

FOR AN INTERVIEWER, YOU SURE ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS.

WELL, SOMETIMES I FIND THAT ASKING QUESTIONS

IS THE BEST WAY TO GET ANSWERS.

OF COURSE...

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT,

I HAVE TO GO DO SOME FACT-CHECKING.

I MEAN, GO MAKE A DOODIE.

WALTER WILL KEEP YOU ENTERTAINED, I'M SURE.

HELLO, OPERATOR ?

DO YOU HAVE YOU THE NUMBER FOR THE NEW DAILY JOURNAL

OF MAGIC TIMES GAZETTE MONTHLY ?

NORMALLY I ABHOR THE OBJECTIFICATION OF WOMEN BUT--

( gasp ) GREAT ASS.

I CAN'T FIND EROTICA ANYWHERE.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ?

CALM DOWN, YOU CRAZY MEATBALL.

THERE'S STILL TIME.

EROTICA NOT GOING ON FOR AT LEAST HALF-HOUR.

YEAH, BEFORE HER THERE'S STILL THE GIRLS FROM SILICONES,

MUFFY'S, THE COCK PIT, THE GINA,

THE WHISKER BISCUIT AND TWATTY'S.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO ?!

WALTER, CAN I SEE YOU FOR A SECOND ?

I THOUGHT YOU'D BE INTERESTED TO KNOW

I JUST GOT OFF THE PHONE WITH THE NEW DAILY JOURNAL

OF MAGIC TIMES GAZETTE MONTHLY

AND THEY DON'T HAVE A REPORTER NAMED "APRIL MAYJUNE."

I THOUGHT SHE SEEMED A LITTLE SUSPICIOUS.

WELL, SHE'S ABOUT TO SEEM A LITTLE--

DEAD !

( evil laughter )

LOOKS LIKE EROTICA GOT COLD FEET.

IF I WAS HER, I'D BE AFRAID TO DANCE AGAINST MY GIRLS, TOO.

GUESS YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO FORFEIT.

NOT TRUE.

ACCORDING TO THE STRIPPIE RULEBOOK,

SECTION 12, ORDINANCE 72-B,

"IN THE EVENT THAT A STRIPPER OF THE YEAR NOMINEE CANNOT PERFORM,

"A REPRESENTATIVE FROM THE NOMINEE'S CLUB OF ORIGIN

"IS ENTITLED TO BE SUBSTITUTED IF SAID NOMINEE

IS INCAPACITATED FOR REASONS OF UNKNOWN ORIGINS."

SO, IF EROTICA DOESN'T SHOW UP,

WE CAN HAVE SOMEONE ELSE FROM THE TENDERLOINS

DANCE IN HER PLACE !

THAT'S RIGHT.

DON'T LOOK AT ME, I'M TOO SUNBURNED.

SO, MISS MAYJUNE,

SEEING THAT YOU'RE A REPORTER,

WE THOUGHT YOU'D LIKE A TOUR OF OUR PRIVATE MAGIC ROOM.

WOW, THAT SOUNDS GREAT !

I DECORATED THIS ROOM.

WELL, ACTUALLY, MOE PICKED THE SCONCES.

WOW, LOOK AT ALL THIS STUFF !

CAN YOU TELL ME HOW YOU DO THAT TRICK

WHERE YOU MAKE THE THOUSAND POUNDS OF CHEESE DISAPPEAR ?

A GOOD MAGICIAN NEVER TELLS HIS SECRETS !

BUT WE WILL TELL YOU HOW TO MAKE YOU DISAPPEAR !

OH, WHAT ARE YOU--

( muffled screams )

THIS IS GOING TO BE THE WORST TRICK EVER...

ON PURPOSE !

WE ARE GONNA TURN YOU INTO A ABRA-CADAVER !

GAZELLE, YOU GOTTA GO ON !

NO, I CAN'T, I'M TERRIFIED OF COMPETITION.

I HAVE ABOUT AS MUCH CHANCE OF WINNING

AS A FISH IN A NOODLE FACTORY.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN ?

I DON'T KNOW, I'M FROM THE SOUTH,

WE SAY THINGS LIKE THAT.

AHH... UGH !

( muffled talking )

HUH ?! WHAT ?!

NEVERMIND.

THE GIST WAS THAT I'M ABOUT TO BEAT YOU SENSELESS,

AND TURN YOU IN TO THE AUTHORITIES.

GET HER !

AAAH... UGH !

WALTER !

HAH, HAH...

( grunting )

HAH, HAH...

OH, ENOUGH OF MAGIC-RELATED WEAPONS

I'M GOING TO KILL YOU THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY !

AAH...

WALTER !

NOOOO... !

( whimpering )

MY LITTLE WOODEN BABY...

OH, WALTER, I'M SO SORRY !

MOE, IS THAT YOU, MOE ?

YES, LITTLE BUDDY.

HANG IN THERE, YOU'LL BE OKAY.

I DON'T FEEL SO HOT.

EVERYTHING'S DARK...

THE AUTHORITIES SHOULD BE HERE SHORTLY.

I GUESS I'LL MAKE SURE THEY SEND AN... AMBULANCE.

TELL ME, STRIPPERELLA,

HOW DID YOU GET IN THAT BOX ?

( coughing )

AND WHAT HAPPENED TO THAT WOMAN WHO CLAIMED TO BE A REPORTER ?

A GOOD MAGICIAN NEVER TELLS HER SECRETS.

( gasp ) OH, NO...

THE STRIPPIES !

YOU GOTTA DO THIS, WE'RE OUTTA TIME !

EROTICA IS SUPPOSED TO GO ON NEXT !

I CAN'T, I JUST CAN'T !

IT DOESN'T MATTER IF SHE DANCES OR NOT,

SHE'S JUST GOING TO LOSE.

SHE'S A BIG LOSER.

LIKE ALL OF YOU AT THE TENDERLOINS.

THAT'S IT !

I'M DOING IT !

TELL 'EM EROTICA'S REPLACEMENT IS READY TO GO !

( panting )

( cheering )

EROTICA ?

WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ?

AM I TOO LATE ?

THE SATAN'S PRETZEL ?!

A ONE AND TWO...

AND, AHH...

THE WINNER.

I WON, I WON !

EROTICA, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU ?

I WASN'T FEELING WELL, BUT I SUDDENLY GOT BETTER.

I GUESS YOU COULD SAY IT WAS... MAGIC.

( laughter )

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪

♪ STRIPPERELLA ♪