Original subtitles

Shit.

Shit!

Oh, yeah.

Ooh! Ow!

Whoa.

Game on.

You're both gone!

♪ No time to pretend ♪

♪ Innocence ♪

♪ Innocence ♪

♪ Innocence ♪

Yeah!

♪ Don't you try... ♪

Sonny, dinner. ♪ ... when I first met you ♪

Sonny! Dinner!

Sonny!

All right. Damn it.

It's getting cold, Sonny.

If you keep washing like that, there's not gonna be any skin left.

I, um, I spit-shined those myself, so...

Okay.

To my favorite son.

To my fucked-up stomach.

Nice. Cheers.

Mmm.

Ah, man.

You know, it...

It sucks, the bad stomach thing,

but I think this germ thing might suck more.

Yeah. Yeah. Um, I think they're connected.

But, you know, I'm trying to... I'm trying to deal with it.

Hmm. What did your therapist lady say?

Um, she said my phobia is related to what happened to Mom.

Look, I don't...

I don't want you thinking that what happened to your mother

could happen to you. Okay?

Because that was a one-in-a-million germ thing.

Okay?

Sonny, the germs... germs are everywhere.

Okay? They're on everything.

I mean, do you have any idea how many germs

you're touching and drinking and... and eating all day long?

Millions upon millions of germs.

And germs actually are there to make you stronger.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Okay, I... I get it.

I'm dealing with it.

All right?

You know, it was a tragedy what happened to your mother,

but these are the cards we're dealt,

and we're not in the business of feeling sorry for ourselves.

So what do we do?

Stay in bed all day? That's pretty good. I like doing that.

We're not gonna stay in bed all day.

What we're gonna do is keep busy. Okay?

We keep busy, because that's what keeps the grief at bay.

We stay busy by working together.

What? Wait, uh, together? Like, you want me to work with you

as a plumber?

Yes. I think it'll be good for you.

W... W... Well, what about my... my... my phobia? What about all the germs?

I... I... I could die.

You're not gonna die, Sonny. Okay? And...

I mean...

don't you, uh...

trust me?

Yeah.

Okay. So good.

Yeah.

I'm glad...

because you got your first gig with me tonight.

- Wait, what? Tonight? - Mm-hmm. Eat up.

Yeah, we got to get going soon.

Not now!

♪ Here they come ♪

♪ The boys in the bright white sports car ♪

♪ Waving their arms in the air ♪

♪ Who do they think they are? ♪

♪ And where did they get that car? ♪

♪ There they go ♪

♪ The boys in the bright white sports car ♪

♪ Honking at all the girls ♪

♪ It's jack... ♪

I don't think I can do this.

Oh, come on. Yeah, you can.

I'm gonna be sick.

Ah, come on. You got this, Sonny. You got this.

We should probably pick up some more of this stuff, eh?

I got you covered.

We got a whole case back there for you.

Phew!

Thank God.

Nah, don't thank God.

Thank Costco.

♪ Bad news don't ruin my appetite ♪

♪ Don't let the papers tell me If it's wrong or right ♪

♪ I just do what I do and I do... ♪

Whoa!

Hey, that was some classic Canadian rock.

Look, I get it, all right? I wouldn't want to work

with my old man either.

No, it's not that. I just haven't used a stranger's bathroom

since I can remember, let alone stick my hand in a toilet.

Okay, look at this... Maybe don't look at it like a nightmare.

Look at this as like an opportunity to, to face your fears. Okay?

- Whoa! - Jesus Christ!

Watch it, dumb-ass.

What is he yelling at me for?

It's cool. Don't...

Man, let's just relax. What is... What...

I should get out there and just boom! One punch, knock him out.

Boom, uppercut. You're lucky my son's in the car.

Okay. Just forget it.

I'm not gonna forget anything. You remember that time

you fought Philly Catapano in junior hockey?

He was picking on you, pushing you around.

And you fought, right? You fought him back.

Your mother and I were so proud of you that day.

Okay, first of all, I was crying the whole time.

Oh, watch out!

- Jesus! - Oh, my God, you guys.

- Again? - I almost just got hit by a car.

Okay, that's two people you've almost killed in 30 seconds.

Well, she... Her... Her face was buried in her phone, right?

I mean...

And that other big jackass, that bald guy.

What was he doing? Giving me the finger?

So are you gonna say something or...

You know, I could have said no to you tonight.

Yeah, you could have, but you didn't. So why?

Well, because...

Because I don't want this phobia to kick my ass anymore.

I wa... I want to be more like the old version of myself,

you know, back when I was, uh, you know, cool.

And I could touch stuff without being scared of it.

And I could go outside, and...

I didn't have to worry about everything that I...

interact with.

I'm glad to hear you say that.

I really am.

- What is that? - Oh, it's a present.

What are these? Ski gloves?

Are you kidding me? Ski gloves? No!

Those are Titan Fives.

Those are high flex, cut resistant. The best damn work gloves in the market.

Oh. Well, thanks, Dad.

Yeah, I mean me,

all the best plumbers in the world use them.

And, uh, now so do you.

- Okay. - Look at that. Fits like a glove.

Ooh.

Now, these things...

Not a germ in the world that can get through those.

Wow, that's really thoughtful of you.

Thank you for that.

You are most welcome.

So, what do you say?

Huh?

Yeah.

Hi. Welcome to Palmer Estate. How can I help you?

Thank you. We're here to fix Mrs. Applebaum's toilet.

Have you been here before?

Uh, yeah. Coming on and off here for years.

Right. I'm just gonna check the maintenance log.

Oh, okay. Sure.

It's a nice place.

Yeah. It's quiet.

I guess everyone's gone for the long weekend?

Yeah.

Uh, okay. Uh...

- Donahue Plumbing? - Yeah, that's us.

Well, Donahue and son.

Hey, I know you.

Uh, I don't think so.

No, no, I definitely do.

Um... Sonny.

Sonny. Right?

We had chemistry in first year.

- Hmm. - Right... Yeah.

What was your name again?

Patricia.

Yeah. You're pre-med, right?

Yeah. Good memory. Uh, I haven't had much time for school

since my dad got sick.

Ah! Sorry about that.

So you're a plumber?

Uh, just working with my dad.

Yeah. I don't want to interrupt all this,

but where's the guy who normally works here?

- Jeff. Jim. Jeff. - Um...

- Yeah, Jim. - Jim...

He passed away last month.

Yeah. Aneurysm.

We found him sitting in the lobby bathroom.

It was very uncomfortable for everybody.

Found him sitting on the toilet?

Yeah.

Hmm.

Well...

Shit happens.

Her colleague dies in the toilet and you bust out a "shit happens"?

How about a little sensitivity?

- I was being sensitive. - Well...

- Uh, where to? - Press two.

Two.

Work accident.

Well, I hear ya.

It looks...

No, it wasn't.

I changed my mind.

- It wasn't a work accident? - No.

Don't talk about it.

- Dude's creepy. - Yeah, really creepy.

What was that?

Nothing. Nothing.

I'm... I'm nervous.

You fart when you're nervous? Come on.

- Well... - You're a professional now.

We're on the job. Look, lesson number one tonight.

If you're gonna do something...

you do it right.

- Good evening. - Good evening.

Excuse us. Thank you.

Meatloaf.

I can't believe they tried to shut us down.

Destroying our work.

If only they understood the... the extent of your...

evolutionary magnificence that I created.

I'm a God.

And your father.

And together...

one day soon, we're gonna... we're gonna rule the world.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, baby.

Yeah. No...

I will never let anyone or anything harm you.

I will love you unconditionally.

And I will protect you and care for you and love you until...

Get off me!

Fuck it! We'll start from scratch.

Now Mrs. Applebaum calls me every couple of weeks.

She's just lonely. Loves to talk.

This should be an easy first gig for you.

Get in, get out.

Call it a night.

Maybe she fell down the toilet.

Plumbing humor, Son. I love it. I love it.

Isn't that the guy you almost ran over?

Now it all makes sense.

That's why he was such an asshole. Maintenance workers.

- Hm. - Those guys?

Huge rivalry. Goes back centuries.

- Really? - Yeah.

Started with the Romans back in... Now, there she is. Aah!

So good to see you, Mrs. Applebaum. You look beautiful.

Thank you.

- Come in. - Oh! Thank you.

- Hello. - All right.

Good to see you, too. Come in.

You are my knights in shining blue overalls tonight.

Would anyone like some coffee? Tea?

Uh, no. I'm good.

Oh, Daisy!

- Oh, my goodness! Daisy! - Oh! Oh!

Oh, Daisy! Off! Off! Oh, I'm so, so sorry.

- It's okay. - Honestly, it's okay.

Out! Out! I'm so sorry.

- Cool. - No, no, no.

She's just a puppy.

No, Mrs. Applebaum, don't be sorry.

Please. Where I come from, a little pee is good luck.

Yeah.

Okay, so, um, what's the problem?

Oh, it's the toilet.

It's acting really strange.

Okay. Did you try plunging?

Yeah, I tried plunging, but I'm no match for it.

Okay. Well, you do not worry about a thing, Mrs. A,

because that's why I get the big bucks.

Okay? So, what do you say we... we go check it out?

- Let's check out her toilet. Yeah. - Okay.

Please. Thank you.

Okay.

Well...

Ah. That's a simple clog.

Yeah.

Typical of old girls like this.

Toilet, Dad, not a boat.

Right.

Right. Okay.

Well, Mrs. A, my more than capable assistant Sonny here

will be able to clear this clog up in no time.

Oh, uh, I thought I was just shadowing you.

Hmm.

Right.

Well, it's just a clog, Sonny.

- Easy little fix, right? - Okay.

My boy's got it. All right, Mrs. A.

You got this, buddy. After you, ma'am.

Huh?

It won't budge. I think there's something big

stuck in the flange.

Dad! Maybe you should just come in here and take a look.

Oh, you got this, okay?

Lis... Are you listening to me?

No.

Perfect.

Okay. Put the plunger down

and now reach on in and find the obstruction.

Are you kidding me? No, I'm not doing that.

Sonny, you're wearing Titan Fives. In my day, didn't even wear gloves.

No, I'm not doing that. Just come in here.

Okay. Listen, Sonny. Lesson number two this evening, okay?

Sometimes, you wanna take responsibility in life,

you're gonna get your hands a little dirty.

And when you get your hands a little dirty,

sometimes your arm gets a little dirty.

The point is, it's all how we deal with the mess in our life.

Does that make sense to you?

Mmm!

Mmm.

Mrs. A, you make the best matzo balls I've ever had.

Thank you.

Dad?

- Dad, I need you. I can't do this. - Yeah. Hold your horses. I'm coming.

Please.

Yes. What is it?

Are you kidding me? Here, look.

It's not that difficult, okay?

Get in there...

And just find obstruction, like I said.

Yeah. Here we go.

- Yeah. - My goodness.

I'd wondered what had happened to those.

I had to go out and buy new ones.

- Yeah. - Well, Mrs. A, wonder no more.

You now got yourself a backup pair.

I'd just go and rinse those in the kitchen sink.

- Oh, thank you. - They'll be just like new.

All right, Mrs. A.

Losing your dentures down the toilet.

Oh.

What the fuck?

Hubert...

You know what tonight is, correct?

Our anniversary?

And what do we do on our anniversary?

Is it your turn, or is it mine?

How dare you ask me that, you little worm!

I'm sorry.

You go to your room,

take off your clothes and think about the trouble you're in.

Think about it long...

and hard.

This profession, you see a lot of shit, but not a lot of blood.

We'll go down to the boiler room to check this out.

Wait. What? What? No, no, no, no.

We did what we had to do. We came here. Let's just go home.

Look, sometimes when you fix one problem, two more bubble up, okay?

The job is over when I say it's over. - Are you kidding me?

Okay, I'm-I'm-I'm dying here. I'm freaking dying here,

and you're coming at me with this make work garbage?

Your mother did not like whining.

The bottom line is we see the job through to the end.

Now, put on your big boy pants and you're gonna become a man.

Some man.

Hey.

Is that blood?

Ah, it's nothing.

Uh... Well, we don't know exactly what it is,

but we just need to get down to that boiler room.

- Okay? Should I be worried? - Eh...

Uh, no. I mean, there's nothing really to worry about right now.

We just... It's precautionary. We saw something that was...

out of the ordinary, so we just want to make sure everything's okay,

Right. Okay. Yeah, sure.

Uh, can you just keep quiet about this, though?

I don't need any of the residents sticking their nose into it.

- They won't even know we're there. - For sure.

- Thank you. It's all good. - All good.

- Just want to check it out. - All good.

Remember me bringing you down to the boiler room?

It was one of my first jobs, actually.

Yeah. Fond memories.

Fond memories of that.

You know that the ancient Romans first used toilets 1st century BC?

Yeah, I know. Everyone knows that.

Oh, really? Everyone knows that? It's common knowledge?

Yeah, it is.

Oh. Didn't realize that.

- Ow! Jesus! That's hot. - What?

That is a really hot pipe.

Hang on. Hold on.

You're telling me that this hot water pipe is hot?

- Gosh, Sonny. Come on. - Is it supposed to be that hot?

Well...

'Cause it's really hot. It's freakin' hot.

Actually, no.

No, you're... No, that's... That's way too hot. That could be a...

probably blocked flue or ventilation or something.

Sonny, what are you... Come on. Safety first. Gloves on.

All right.

Might help with the old hot pipes too, right, if you're wearing a glove?

Yeah.

Crazy concept, huh?

Why does that sound very wrong?

Well, that's because it is.

Fuck.

Rawr!

What the freak!

Master, are you done in there?

I'll call for you when I'm ready, Worm.

You are so powerful.

Oh, what in heaven!

Me and my doobie are getting lonely.

Uh-oh.

My doobie is standing up.

It's being a bad little doobie.

Can't you...

I know you want to spice things up. I'm trying to stay in character.

- I love your character. - I'm playing ball here,

but I need a frickin' second.

Mmm.

Oh!

Oh!

On all fours.

Like the obedient dog you are.

You've been a naughty boy, haven't you?

Yes. Very, very naughty.

You know what happens to naughty boys?

Tell me, Master, what happens?

They get punished.

Oh!

Punish me! Punish me!

You see that?

Looks like hair.

No. That's all you can see is hair? I mean, look at that. It's a whole...

No. Are you kidding me?

No, no.

That's no rat.

Oh, what the fuck?

Ugh.

I mean, something shredded this huge sack.

What the fuck is that? Is that an animal?

Sounds big.

I don't know.

I don't know what that...

Just hang on.

These tanks...

All right? These tanks. Look...

Most of the people in the building are gone, right?

So, we could run this entire system off these two tanks.

No way. Let's get out of here.

- We did our job. Let's just leave. - No.

We can shut down the main building sewer line, all right,

and find out what the hell is going on with these things.

- Look at this. - We gotta call the cops,

or an exterminator or something.

- That thing sounds fucking dangerous. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- An exterminator? - Yeah.

You just said call a goddamn exterminator?

Pipes are my jurisdiction, Sonny. You know that. Okay?

Now, come on. Let's figure this out.

We're gonna get to the bottom of it.

Find out what's going on. I mean, look at this.

For fuck's sake, there's blood coming out of the toilet.

There's a mutilated human body part. I'm calling the fucking cops.

No, no, no. That's not how we...

Sonny, come on. We're in this together now, all right?

We figure out what's...

what's going on.

Whoa! What happened? Are you okay?

- We need to call the cops. - What... What? Why?

'Cause there's something swimming around in the pipes,

and you're gonna need a lot more than just a plumber.

- Okay. Slow down. What do you mean? - You're gonna need a priest,

or that big game Aussie hunter park warden guy from Jurassic Park.

Can you just keep your voice down?

Look, whatever it is, can't you guys just kill it?

- What is that, anyways? - No, I don't know,

but I think it might've hurt someone.

We need to call the cops.

And tell them what? - Oh, I don't know.

How about there's something in the building

that's biting off people's cocks?

We can't call the cops. - Why?

Because there is a sale pending on the building,

and if any cop reports come out, then the whole deal is blown.

Fuck the deal. Who gives a shit about the deal?

I do. Okay? I do.

Look, this is my building, my family's building,

and I need to make sure that that sale closes.

My dad's life depends on it.

Look, all of my family's money is tied up in this place. Okay?

My parents even leveraged money against it to pay my dad's medical bills

and to put me through college.

And if this deal doesn't go through,

then all of my family's money goes to the bank and...

my dad doesn't get his treatment.

Okay, but what if somebody else gets hurt?

Look, I'll make it worth your while.

How much worth my while?

I didn't know my son had such a mind for business.

She's got a problem. We need the money.

Huh. You don't hate it as much as you thought, do you?

No, I still hate it.

Hang on. I think we hit something.

Yeah? Let me see.

What is that?

- I don't know. - No, I can't... I can't see what that is.

Here, take this out. I'm gonna get the snake.

Okay? Here, pull that out.

- Okay. - Snake time.

Yeah.

Just put it on the floor. I'll clean it.

- You okay? - Nope.

Okay. Good. This thing...

This is incredible.

You just got to...

find its pretty little hole.

- Okay? - Uh, no.

Okay.

Hang in there, bud, we're good.

There, that should do it.

Okay.

It is conf... There we go.

It's like... like catching a fish.

- Yeah. - Got it. I got something.

Okay. Get that pail.

Get that pail. Get it open. Okay?

- Bucket open? - Yeah.

God!

What the hell did Mrs. Applebaum eat?

I don't know.

Whatever it is, it didn't come out of her.

I mean, I hope.

Yeah. It's not clogged or anything.

It just literally won't flush at all. - Right. Okay.

I don't know if I should call somebody. - No, no, no, no.

Hey, Patricia. The problem in Mrs. Applebaum's toilet

is kind of bigger than we thought.

Yes. Thank you so much.

Yes, this is Lauren. She's one of our residents.

So if you give us a moment, then we can just...

Wait. No, this is actually perfect.

- Now I won't have to call a plumber. - Right.

Uh, yes. 'Cause Lauren is actually having some trouble with her toilet.

So maybe one of you could go and check?

Yeah, I'd love to. I'm just really busy right now.

Maybe your boyfriend could just take a look.

No, I live alone.

What? Really? You're not... you're not married?

- Oh, my God. - No, I'm actually happy being on my own.

Okay. Great conversation. Dad, how about you help this young lady with her problem,

- and I'll catch up Patricia on this thing? - Sure. Okay. Sorry. Yeah.

- Thank you. - Okay, you've got that.

Okay. Well, let's take a look at her.

Okay.

Okay...

No, it won't flush.

You don't say.

So, uh...

Number one or number two.

Is that really relevant?

Well, it's too early to tell, but yeah, it just might be.

A number one.

Okay. Hey, look, honesty is very important between the plumber and the client. Okay?

I mean, next to discretion, obviously. So...

Uh... May I?

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay. - Yeah.

Oh, come on. You said that was a number one.

It's a number one where I come from.

Oh, lady, then you and I come from very different places

if that's what you call a number one.

I mean, how much fiber are you getting in your diet?

That is none of your business. Can you just fix my toilet?

Yeah. Okay. Yes. Yeah, right. I'm just...

Okay. Of course.

Of course. Yeah.

Wait... Wait, that was not me.

What is this?

That is what we found in Applebaum's toilet.

Ugh.

Wait. What are those?

- Are those eggs? - Yeah, that's what it looks like.

Eggs.

Great.

Hmm.

Okay,

Hmm.

Hmm.

What?

It's got... He's got my...

Oh, my. Your face.

What is wrong with you?!

I'm just messing around with you.

It's actually just the, the flapper here on the flush valve.

Two minutes. I got one in my bag here.

What do you think? Ostrich egg or...

Do you really think there's ostriches in the pipes?

I don't know.

Like a lizard, or...

a toad, or a possum, or something?

Mmm. Possums don't lay eggs. They're marsupials.

- So it wouldn't be that. - Ugh.

Ugh. God! How do you touch that stuff?

Oh, come on.

Stop being such a baby.

Come on. Come here.

Oh. Oh.

Okay. Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, she's good. Yeah, she's good.

- She? Seriously? - What's with everyone today?

I've been calling them "she" for 30 years.

Okay, you know what? I actually have some work to do.

- So, thank you. - Okay, yeah. No, you're welcome.

I'll invoice Patricia downstairs. Yeah?

Yeah. That would be great. Thank you.

You're welcome.

Hey, guys.

Okay, so the plumber just left.

I know what you're thinking, but no, this had nothing to do with his pipes.

Anyways, now that it's all fixed, let's start the show.

Oh. Okay. Okay. Yeah.

No, no, It's okay. It's okay. It's gone. It's gone.

- It's gone. It's gone. - I can't breathe.

- I can't breathe. - Okay. Okay.

Just inhale. No? Okay. Okay. That's okay. It's okay.

Just... Just take my hand.

Here. Here, here. Ready?

Okay. Breathe in. Breathe with me.

Hold. Breathe out.

Breathe in.

Hold. Breathe out.

Breathe in, hold.

Breathe out.

Okay. One, two, breathe out.

Nice. Yeah.

Okay. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You know, I'll let myself out.

Gooby fingers and all.

Thank you.

Okay.

Hello?

Hello?

Hey, it's Donahue Plumbing.

Hello?

Hello?

Donahue Plumbing. Is anyone...

Oh, no, no, no.

Jesus.

Oh, Jesus.

Hey.

Buddy?

Oh, buddy, you...

Hey...

Jeez!

- Oh, fuck! What... - Where is she?

Where... who?

- Where is she? - Who?

- Project X. - What?

The most cunning killing machine mankind has ever known.

I created her.

Then I tried to destroy her.

But, alas, she got the best of me.

She's gonna get the best of you, too.

All of you.

Doomed.

Wha...

Hey, what... Wait, what?

Doomed? Who's... Who's... Who's gonna get us?

What?

What do you mean?

Oh, you motherfucker.

- Oh, okay. - Yeah?

Yeah.

Thanks.

Wow.

That hasn't happened to me in a long time.

Yeah, um, I used to get them all the time as a kid, so I get it.

Sorry, I have a thing with germs.

Right. So plumbing is a good line of work for you, then?

Yeah, well, my dad thinks it'll be good for me to...

kind of get over it.

Right. Right.

Yeah, I guess. Like exposure therapy.

Sure.

- Yeah. - Sonny, do you copy?

- I repeat. Do you... - Yeah. Yeah.

Dad, I'm here. What's going on?

Thank God. Are you okay? Are you safe?

Yeah. Yeah, I'm safe. I'm with Patricia. What's the deal?

Stay clear of any open pipes or toilets,

you hear? And meet me at room 504 right away.

All right. Sure.

Copy.

There we go. H... Hold on. It's... It's... It's...

It's not pretty.

- Oh, my God! - Oh! Jesus Christ.

Oh, my God. Is he dead?

No, no, no, no. He's just... He's napping.

Yeah. Jesus, he's dead.

What the hell could have done this to him?

I don't know. He was... He was babbling about some creature...

wasn't human.

Some experiment gone wrong.

Project X.

- I think I'm gonna be sick. - Oh, my God.

What are we gonna do with the body?

- Oh, my God. - I'm sorry.

- No! I mean, I guess we can... - Sorry.

Take turns throwing up on him, if that's what we want to.

You know, let's... You guys, there's bigger fish to fry.

Let's... Let's leave him.

Come on, Sonny, let's wipe that mouth, buddy.

- Wipe that mouth. - Sorry about that.

That's okay. Don't... Just don't get it on me.

Okay, guys. So I know that you're expecting the usual tonight,

but today I thought I'd try something a little bit different.

Something a bit more titillating.

Okay, that was weird.

I'm just gonna ignore that.

♪ I said a lot of things that you never should say ♪

♪ Told the... one thing ♪

♪ Start drinking lemonade ♪

♪ I put that juice in my cup ♪

♪ Sauce on everything ♪

♪ You know what's up ♪

♪ Same thing ♪

♪ Slip and slide waterfalls ♪

♪ You and me, uh-huh ♪

♪ It's a ride I'm saving it's a ride... ♪

Let me know if you have any requests in the comments.

Sure. It looks like we're still having some problems with the pipes.

Maybe one of you guys can help me.

Okay.

Oh, you guys like that, huh?

I thought you might.

Christmas party...

- You knew the guy. How could this... - God.

I don't know. Look at this.

How the heck am I supposed to figure this out?

Toilet is safe and secure,

but unfortunately, you're gonna have to hold it

until we catch or kill whatever this creature is.

Oh, that's fine. Uh, at worst, we can all just pee in the sink.

Yeah. Yeah, it's... It's an option. Um...

You might want to get rid of these things here first.

Oh, what have we got here?

- Now, what are you? - There we are.

Oh, that's all right.

Thank you so much, Mrs. Applebaum.

Anything you need, honey.

Oh. What exactly are you doing in there, huh?

I just want to say how special it is to have all of you here.

Oh, hi there!

It just means so much to me.

You're just a harmless...

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God!

All right. Okay. No, it's okay. It's okay.

- We can fix this. We can... - How are you gonna fix this?

Here, here. Here. Put this on it. Apply pressure. Pressure to it.

Put some... put some pressure on it.

Oh, my God.

We have the same blood. So it's not that gross. It's not gross.

It's not that gross.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Motherfucker!

Here! Here, here, here. Take it.

- Sonny? - I'm sorry, Sonny.

- Sonny. - What?!

They're hatching.

They're hatching. They're hatching.

Sonny.

- They're hatching. - Sonny, come on. Do something.

Sonny, come on. Sonny, come on. Do something.

What the fuck! They're fucking melting.

- That's a good thing. - Quiet, girl. For once.

You know how in a horror movie all the idiot character has to do

- is just call the cops? - Yeah.

Yeah, we're just gonna call the cops.

That is the smartest thing you have said all night.

Well, among the other smart things that you have said.

Mrs. Applebaum, will you be okay if we go and call the cops?

Yes.

Yes, you go.

I'll keep busy with this mess.

Hey, Mrs. Applebaum...

can we borrow a few things?

Uh-huh. Yes.

911. What's your emergency?

Hi. Hi. Yes. Hi.

Okay. Um, so I know this is gonna sound ridiculous, so just please hear me out.

There is a creature in my plumbing, and it is attacking out of the toilets.

It's killing everyone in my building.

It's laid a bunch of eggs, and it keeps growing bigger and bigger,

and it's gonna start killing even more.-Okay, ma'am.

I'm gonna stop you right there.

Do you know what the penalty is for a fake emergency?

No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't understand.

This is not a fake emergency.

A toilet creature? Please, we have enough problems tonight

with a three alarm lab fire.

No, look, I know that it sounds ridiculous, okay?

No, ma'am. You're ridiculous.

Oh!

Fuck!

You really think it's gonna work?

I sure hope so. Unless you have a better idea.

Other than hightailing it out of here? No, I do not.

I mean, does this stuff actually work?

Uh, I don't know. It doesn't matter. I'm going cold turkey from now on.

Really? What about that wonky stomach of yours, huh?

I don't know. I'll figure it out.

Hey, we gotta take out whatever laid those eggs.

That dead guy up there? He said that thing was pretty big, right?

You for real?

Yeah.

Fuck, yeah.

That's my boy, huh?

- That's my boy. That's my boy. - Yeah. Yeah.

- All right? - Yeah.

Let's get that fucker. Okay?

- Yeah. - Let's do this.

- Yeah. - All right.

Yeah.

Ah... yeah.

Uh...

You gotta do something about that finger.

Agreed.

What are you doing? Oh, my God!

Oh, no! No, no, no!

Oh, why?

- You okay? - It worked.

Hey, you're either the dumbest person on earth or the toughest, Dad.

Yeah.

I think a bit of both. Right?

Like father, like son?

Yeah.

Man.

You fucking ready?

Fucking right.

Fuck, yeah.

Somebody call a plumber?

No. Guys, focus.

Look, this creature stuff, it's way worse than we thought.

- Yeah, we know. - No, no, you don't. Okay? Look.

It'll continue to self-replicate

and embed itself in our ecosystem until it's eliminated

everything off of the face of the earth.

Daisy?

Daisy!

Oh, God.

Daisy?

Daisy!

People, animals, plants, bugs... everything will be gone.

That asshole up there, he created the ultimate apex predator.

Well, that's bullshit, because you've got the ultimate apex predator right here.

He's mean, tall, and we've got enough pink bismuth

to blow this motherfucker to kingdom come. So forget your research.

- We've got work to do. - Yeah.

Daisy.

Fuck! Mrs. Applebaum.

Oh, my God.

- Is that her shoe? - Yeah.

Guys... Guys...

Sure she's got the bag?

Go, go, hit it!

- What do we do? - Keep hitting.

Ow!

Go get help. Go get the cavalry!

What? No! Fuck that! I'm not leaving you.

I lost your mother,

and I'm not gonna lose you too, okay?

I miss her every goddamn day.

Dad, I'm not gonna leave you.

- Go! - No.

Sonny. Come on. Sonny, we have to go.

I love you, too.

- Go! Just go. - Sonny.

- Sonny, come on. - Go.

Sonny, come on. Let's go.

Come on. Come on, Sonny.

We gotta go, Sonny.

Daisy...

Get ready for this.

One, two...

three. Ow!

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry, Sonny.

No.

It's not your fault.

It's not your fault.

Sometimes...

shit happens.

You know, I'm not really sure I want this building anymore.

I'm long screwed.

- You guys have insurance, right? - Yeah. Of course.

My dad told me this story once

about this building kind of like this that blew up.

Wait, what? How?

- You see this septic tank? - Yeah.

That's an old system.

If we can shut off that ventilation and trap the methane, it'll start to build up,

and that tank becomes a bomb.

Wait, like blow up the building?

Yeah. Then you can collect your insurance.

You're good with your creditors.

See?

Every problem has a solution.

We just need to find some way to lure that fucker down here and trap it.

Wait. Does all the building's sewage

have to filter in through this room?

Yeah.

Well, what if we just

fill the pipes upstairs with your pink stuff?

I mean, that'll force it down here, right?

Yeah.

Yeah, that could work.

Then we just have to get some nasty-ass bait out of that tank.

Somehow.

By "we" you mean... you mean me, don't you?

Yeah.

Yeah.

You're gonna do great.

- You're a hero, Patricia. - Oh, shut up!

You're a real hero.

Oh, God.

Ugh!

Oh, God.

Ugh!

No. No, no, no, no.

Ugh!

Okay. Okay. Wait, I think I got something big.

I think you're gonna have to help me, though.

It's really heavy. I can't get it out on my own.

- You're great. You're doing good. - No, Sonny, get up here.

I need your help. It's really heavy.

Sonny!

Come on.

All right, all right. Goddamn it. Yes. Fine.

Okay. You got this, okay?

Yeah. Yeah.

Do you want the gloves?

Fuck it. I'll do it barehanded.

You got it. You got it.

Come on.

Yeah. Okay. Okay. Oh, fuck.

- Do you have it? - I think I got something.

- Yeah. Ready? On three? - Oh, God. It's big.

Okay. Oh, God!

- One, two, three! - Two, three!

Oh, God!

Oh, my God, it's Mrs. Applebaum!

Oh, my God! Mrs. Applebaum! Oh, my God!

Oh, God. Oh, God.

Hey. Hey, I didn't puke.

- That's good. Good job. - That's good.

Phew! Oh, fuck.

You know, in terms of, like, all of the germy stuff,

this is literally the worst thing you could have ever done.

- That's true. - You nailed it.

- Yeah, I did. I did. - Good job.

Thanks. Yeah.

Hang on.

Call me crazy,

I think we just found our bait.

But, Sonny. No!

Oh, my God. Leave the poor woman alone. She's been through enough.

I think that Mrs. Applebaum would be okay with us using her dead body

to take out the thing that did this to her.

And Daisy.

We take the rest of the bismuth,

we stick it in this rotten corpse, seal the deal.

Spraying it might not kill that thing.

But if it swallows one huge, gigantic load,

that'll put a bomb in its belly.

Yeah, an "apple bomb."

In terms of Dad puns, that's... that's bottom of the barrel.

Yeah, total bottom of the tank.

Wow. Wow.

Ugh. You know, we're gonna need a lot more bismuth

if we're gonna make this work.

Yeah, we got a ton in the truck.

Enough to kill a whole army of these fuckers.

♪ Making it work ♪

♪ Making it work ♪

♪ Late night boozing ♪

♪ Oh, I'm out of control ♪

♪ Red lights cruising ♪

♪ I got no sense of soul ♪

♪ I knew you knew ♪

♪ Hey, we both knew the crime ♪

♪ Blacker, bluer ♪

♪ Oh, I'm back in the line ♪

♪ Making it work ♪

♪ Takes a little longer ♪

♪ Making it work ♪

♪ Takes a little time ♪

♪ Making it work ♪

♪ Takes a little longer ♪

♪ Making it work ♪

This controls the ventilation shaft. I'm gonna close that.

Now on my call, you pull that lever. That controls the methane.

Once the methane is sealed, there's no going back.

And when this gauge hits red, this whole place is gonna blow.

Okay. Why am I the one that's pulling the lever?

Because I'm gonna super size our bait combo.

What? No! No, Sonny, you're gonna get yourself killed.

I'm gonna make sure that thing dies down here once and for all.

Sonny, get back here.

Ready?

Pull the lever now!

Shit!

All right.

Oh, fuck.

Come on.

Oh, shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit.

Come on.

Oh, fuck!

Shit, shit. Uh...

Yeah!

Patricia, help! Hurry up!

No!!

Get out of my fucking building!

Die, you fucking worm!

We got to go.

Go, go, go, go! Go, go, go, go!

Oh, God.

Holy shit.

- I can't believe that actually worked. - Me neither.

Oh, fuck, uh, shit. Do you want hand sanitizer or something?

Oh.

Uh...

Yeah.

No, I think I'm good.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're good.

- Can I ask you a question? - Yeah.

Why did you take the rake?

Because... just 'cause... the axe was right there.

And I feel like that's a... you know, just a...

The rake had, like, so many more tongs and teeth,

and I feel like it was maximum damage, you know.

- More damage? - So much more.

Did you not see? I like, fully destroyed that thing.

Yeah. No, that makes a lot of sense.

- Hey. - Yeah...

It's all right.

♪ Well, I'm on my way ♪

We got a live one here.

♪ To the city lights ♪

Hang on.

Is that Dad?

♪ Shines her light on the city nights ♪

♪ And I gotta catch a noon train ♪

♪ I gotta be there on time ♪

♪ Oh, it feels so good to know she waits at the end of the line ♪

- Oh, my God! - Dad!

- Dad! Dad, you're alive! - Oh, my God. Don!

- Ow. - Sorry, Sorry, Sorry.

I'm just so happy to see you.

Oh, my God! Oh.

- Sorry. - Sonny, stop touching him.

I'm happy to see you, too.

Oh, man. That was a great first day for you, huh?

- Try to relax. - We got another live one.

Oh, my God. It's... It's Daisy.

Dad... Dad, Daisy is alive.

She's alive.

Oh, Daisy.

Daisy's good. Helped me a lot.

Okay, Dad, just breathe. Just breathe.

Oh, yeah. Okay.

Everyone, I shit you not.

We got another live one here.

Uh...

Sorry. Never mind. False alarm.

It's, uh...

Get that out of here.

Yeah. Fucking asshole.

You look terrible.

Right.

You said I was the toughest guy on earth, right?

Yeah. Yeah.

I also said the dumbest.

Don't make me laugh.

I'm sorry about your building, Patricia.

Don, it's okay, honestly.

You know, shit happens.

Are you sure you're okay?

How do I look?

- You look pretty good. - Well, bad.

You're coughing up a lot of blood.

When I was wrestling with that thing in the toilet...

- What? - When you guys left.

It was...

Fuck!

Just stop... You just need to stop talking.

- I think it's time to rest. - I think you should stop talking.

♪ Whoa, she's my ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet city woman ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Oh, my ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Everybody ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪

♪ Sweet, sweet, sweet Sweet city woman ♪