All language subtitles for Krapopolis.S03E02.1080p.x265-ELiTE

Shlub: First full day as king.

Now, what's on the docket,
some fun king stuff?

Scott: You've got a meeting
with Simon the Architect

about infrastructure.

Shlub: Well, tell him to do
a bunch more infrastructure.

Wait. Less.
That should keep him busy.

Mm. Ugh.

Whoever made these
sandwiches should be killed.

Scott: Kill the sandwich guy!

Shlub: Wait! Wait!

Don't actually kill
the sandwich guy.

Scott: But everything you say
is an order now.

Shlub: You're kidding me.

So if I say,

"That vegetable guy looks like
he could use a good spanking,"

you would take that seriously?

Scott: Yes. You're the king.

Shlub: Scott, you're going
to have to develop a sense

of when I mean something
and when I don't.

Use common sense.

Just don't act upon
the obviously funny

or whimsical things I say.

Scott: But is that one of the
orders I'm supposed to ignore?

Shlub: Of course not!

Don't ignore the order
to use common sense.

That is a legitimate order.

Just whenever I say something,

immediately decide
whether I'm joking or not.

Scott: Could you just
not joke around?

Shlub: Absolutely not, but--
and this is the tricky part--

sometimes as part of the joke,
I might say

I really mean something
but not really mean it,

like, "I could eat a horse,
and I mean it."

Scott: OK, so sometimes
you will say

you really mean something,
but you don't.

Shlub: Exactly,

but this, of course,
is not one of those times,

and I do mean that,
and I mean this.

Scott: OK, gang.

I've got our orders,
but listen closely

cuz this is a real mind-bender.

♪

Men: ♪ Uh! ♪

♪

♪ Uh! Uh! ♪

♪ Uh, uh, uh, whoo! ♪

Tyrannis: I'll admit, at first,
I was sad I'm not king anymore,

but that's all behind me.

I've moved out of the palace

and embraced the simple life
of a free man.

Hippocampus: That's the kind
of thing sad, divorced guys say.

Tyrannis: Well,
I am divorced in a way--

divorced from responsibility,

and like many a divorcé
before me--

Stupendous: Oh, no.
Are you living on a boat?

Tyrannis: I'm living on a boat.
Welcome to Ty's Folly.

I put the name
right here on the back.

Hippocampus: It's just
a picture of you

and a picture of a boat.

Tyrannis:
How would you spell "folly"?

So be honest. What do you think?

Stupendous: It's...nice.

Hippocampus: Yeah. Cozy.

Tyrannis: OK. Stop.

It's insulting
that you feel the need

to tiptoe around my feelings.

Hippocampus: Thank god.

Politeness was never
gonna work for me.

Tyrannis: Which is fine.
I'm New Ty now.

I have shed my unhealthy need
to win approval or feel special,

so insult my boat if you want.

I know it's a dump.

Stupendous: So, Dad,
now that you're king,

we gonna have some fun together,
maybe do some invading?

Shlub: What do you mean?

Stupendous: You and me,

Shlub and Stupe,

conquering territory,
kicking ass.

Could be fun, right?
Ty never let me do that.

Tyrannis: Dad, king to king,

I would advise you not
to let her do any conquering.

She goes too hard.

She'll get herself hurt,
and you need her on defense.

Stupendous: Ah, don't
listen to him. He's no fun.

Tyrannis: And, Stupe,
may I remind you,

this is Dad
we're talking about--

not someone you'd want
to follow into battle.

Dad, are you going
to do that all day?

Shlub: Just so we're clear,

you're the weirdos
for watching,

and, Stupendous,
to answer your question,

no pointless conquering.

Stupendous: Damn.

Shlub: You seem
to have forgotten,

I'm the fun-loving king.

I have no intention of invading
anything non-consensually,

including other kingdoms.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

as my first kingly act,
I'm going on a boba run.

Stupendous: What is boba?

Shlub: The sweetest, juiciest,
chewiest drink I've ever had.

They only make it
in the Kingdom of Boba,

and I'm obsessed with it.

It's been on my mind
ever since someone here

said the word "boba."

Stupendous: That was you.
You said that word.

Shlub: Well, then it's been
on my mind since I said "boba."

I am allowed to put thoughts
in my own head.

[Waves lapping]

Broseidon: Whooooo!

Hell yeah! Never gets old!

Tyrannis: Broseidon,
did you just pop out of a whale?

Broseidon: It's called
"shooting the hole,"

and Broseidon invented it.

Heard you got a houseboat,
by the way.

Tyrannis: You like houseboats?

Broseidon: Psshhh. Like 'em?
I am the god of houseboats.

Where my boatheads at?

Man: Yeah! Heck yeah, man!

Woman: Yeah!

Broseidon: Changes in latitude,
changes in attitude.

You feel me?

Anyway, since I am
the god of houseboats,

gonna need a monthly offering.

Tyrannis: Offering?
What a racket.

Broseidon: Whoa!

Broseidon does not
appreciate that vibe!

Tyrannis: Well,
it needs to be said.

Broseidon: All right.

Well, you don't wanna pay,
you don't have to pay.

Tyrannis: Really?

Broseidon: Sure.

Oh, hey, I've been
meaning to ask you,

you know that you're
a demigod, right?

Tyrannis: Well, yes, in that
I'm the son of a goddess.

Broseidon: So what's
your demigod power?

Tyrannis: Excuse me?

Broseidon: Every demigod
gets a special power.

What, you didn't get one
at your demigod ceremony?

Tyrannis: My demigod ceremony?

Broseidon: Uh, yeah,

the ritual where gods bestow
special powers on demigods.

Wait, wait, wait.
Did your mom not get you one?

Tyrannis: No, my mother
did not get me one.

Broseidon: If you haven't
had the ceremony,

you're not a full demigod.

Tyrannis: When were you
going to tell me

about my demigod ceremony?

Deliria: Your what?

Tyrannis: My demigod ceremony,

where demigods are awarded
their special power.

Deliria: Who told you that?

Tyrannis: Broseidon,
and then he went back

into a whale's blowhole,
and it was sick!

Deliria: Why are you
suddenly concerned

with having a special power?

I thought you were happy
not being special.

Tyrannis: I am perfectly
happy not being special.

Hippocampus: Sounds like
you want to be special.

Tyrannis: I don't,
but if I'm destined

to have a special power,
I should damn well have it.

I demand you take me
to Mount Olympus

and get me my demigod ceremony!

Deliria: Oh, you demand it.

Well, I suppose
I have no choice.

Tyrannis: You don't.

Hippo, you're coming with me

to make sure
she doesn't change her mind.

Super cool demigod exit!

Ooh! Oh!

You need to wax those floors.

Shlub: ♪ I'm flying to my boba ♪

♪ To get my boba treat ♪

♪ I really love my boba ♪

♪ No need to be discreet ♪

♪ It's juicy, and it's chewy ♪

♪ Two different foods in one ♪

♪ The juice runs
down my throat ♪

♪ While the balls
dance on my tongue! ♪

I'll have one--

Sludge Monster:
No bobas for you!

Shlub: Oh, hello, Frankensludge.

Sludge Monster: Shlub.
How opposite of nice to see you.

You never thanked me
for your wedding gift!

Shlub: Oh, I didn't thank
anyone for wedding gifts.

I'm not a thankful person.
That's arguably my entire brand.

Sludge Monster:
Monster code number one--

"Monster get gift,
monster give thanks."

Shlub: I'm supposed to thank you
because of a rule?

That makes it
completely pointless.

Sludge Monster:
You always do this, Shlub.

You only care about yourself,
and no one calls you on it.

Well, it's payback time.

By my orders, no one
in this entire kingdom

will serve you a boba.

Shlub: What?

Sludge Monster: That's right,
I'm the king here,

and I became king
for one purpose--

to make sure you never taste
the sweet, chewy refreshment

of a boba
for as long as you live.

Shlub: You went to all
that trouble of becoming king

just to punish me?

Sludge Monster: Yeah.

Monster code number six
clearly states,

"Monster allowed to go
too far if monster want."

Shlub: Just give me that!

Sludge Monster:
If you want that boba,

you gotta go through
my whole army.

You'd have to conquer
this whole continent

to taste and chew one of these.

[Slurping]

[Slurping continues]

[Slurping continues]

Shlub: Stop that!
Stop slurping victoriously!

Stupendous,
I've changed my mind.

Get your army together.
We're invading Boba.

Stupendous: You decided you
wanted to spend time with me?

Shlub: Yes. I decided
I want to spend time with you,

and that's why
we're going to war.

Both: Invasion buddies!

Shlub: Look at this!
What an invasion force!

Stupendous: Right?
You wanna go rally the troops?

Shlub: Sure.
Uh, how does one do that?

Stupendous:
It's pretty standard.

You ride back and forth
in front of them

like your horse is raring to go,

and you just say
"freedom" a lot.

Shlub: Piece of cake.

My loyal subjects,

soon we will meet our enemies
on the field of battle,

but I prefer to call it
a field of freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: The fighting
will be brutal,

and many of you will die...
for freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: Freedom is what gives us
the freedom to be free,

and I don't know about you,
but I would rather die right now

than live another day
not freedoming!

[Cheering]

Stupendous: That was so moving.

Broseidon:
All right. Listen, Ty-bo.

You got a lot to learn
before the ceremony.

It is gonna be intense training,
starting tomorrow.

Tyrannis: What sort of training?

Broseidon: Lotta physical stuff,
some feats of strength,

and you gotta recite a whole
thing in the ancient tongue.

Tyrannis: The ancient tongue?

My mother never even told me
there was an ancient tongue.

Broseidon: Oh, yeah.
It is a super powerful language.

It's based on inflections.

Like--like, there's
this one word "ee-EE-ee"

which means horse,

but if you say it
like "EE-ee-EE,"

it could also mean eyebrows,

or if you say it
a different way,

it just blows up the Earth.

Tyrannis: So cool.

Broseidon: We'll be
working on all that stuff,

and you get to stay here
while Ty completes his training.

Deliria, you recognize
your old bedroom, right?

All right. Well, iyaaaaaaaam.

That means hello, good-bye,
and it dries up rivers.

Hippocampus:
Mom, you used to live here?

Deliria: Yes.
This was my apartment.

I do miss the amenities.

Hippocampus:
Is your bed a cloud?

Deliria: Best night of sleep
you'll ever have.

Hippocampus: Well, crap.

A fish could get used
to this place.

[Chime]

What just happened?

Deliria:
Oh, that chair transforms

into whatever kind of chair
best fits the moment.

Tyrannis: I want to do it!

[Chime]

I'm a toddler?
Is that the message here?

Hippocampus:
What the heck does this do?

Deliria: It dispenses ambrosia,
the food of the gods.

Hippocampus: Oh, my god, Ty.

Deliria: Yes. It causes
a feeling similar to sex,

but magnified by a thousand.

Tyrannis: [Shudders]

Hippocampus:
I'm never leaving here.

I'm dying here.

Mom, you had all this,
and then you lost it?

I'm seeing you
in a whole new light.

You're a tragic figure!

Deliria: Oh, shut up.

Tyrannis: You know,
demigods do sometimes

get elevated to full gods.

Maybe one day,
I'll be an Olympian,

and you could come visit.

Deliria: Oh, could I?
How magnanimous of you.

Tyrannis: I'm sorry if
the thought of us being equals

drives you crazy.

Deliria:
What drives me crazy is that

you would want
to hang out with these people

after all that I've told you
about them.

Tyrannis, "These people"
seem pretty decent to me.

Now, if you'll excuse me,

I have to go and learn
an ancient language.

Iyaaaaaaam.

Stupendous: Uhh...huh!

Ugh! Hwah! Hah!

Newsie: Extra, extra!

Krapoplian army
wins huge battle!

Takes Plopopolis!

Krapopolis
defeats Blibbity City!

Cackletown! Littleopolis!

"Some city names
totally made up," study says.

Father, daughter
really bond on killing spree!

Stupendous: Haagh...ooh!

Uh! Ooh! Ooh!

Hey, Dad, Dad! Look! Dad!

Watch the light
in this guy's eyes go out!

Shlub: I saw it, yes!
Sweetheart! Yes!

Look at you! That's my girl!

Newsie: Uh-oh, Shlub and Stupe

find it's harder
than they thought.

Krapoplian army paying
real price for this dumb idea!

"Battle not so fun anymore,"
says source close to king!

Medic: OK. Um, you're
gonna feel a little sting

because I'm placing your arm
in this log full of fire ants.

Stupendous: Aah! Uh!
And this heals it?

Medic: Well, that's
what we're finding out.

Shlub: Scott, I need
your advice on something,

and I need you
to tell me the truth,

and before you ask, this is one
of those things I really mean,

and so is what I'm saying right
now about really meaning it.

Scott: OK.

Shlub: Was it irresponsible
of me to drag this army

into a protracted land war
just for a drink?

Scott: It was maybe a little--

Shlub: Keep in mind that
if you say it's irresponsible,

that means
you're siding with Ty.

Scott: It was
a little irresponsible.

Shlub: So I should come clean
about the boba thing?

Scott: I think you gotta.

Shlub: Damn you.
Kill yourself. No. Don't.

That was a joke, and me
saying that is not a joke,

and neither is this.

Stupendous, I think we
have to call off the invasion.

Stupendous: What?
Scott: Great idea.

Shlub: Can I confess something?

I only started this invasion
to get a boba.

Stupendous:
Can I confess something?

I don't care.

I'm having the time
of my life out here.

Shlub: Really?

Stupendous: Yeah. I mean,
you never come to my fights,

and now look at us.

I don't even care
that we're in a quagmire

as long as we're together,
unless you think that's dumb.

Shlub: No, it's not dumb.
It's the noblest reason of all.

Do you know the ancient song
"Cat's in the Cradle"?

Stupendous: No.

Shlub: I don't either,
but I can only assume

it's about a cat
who jumps into a cradle

and steals a man's baby

before he even gets a chance
to know her

and the cat raises
the baby as her own

and when the baby girl grows up,
she doesn't even recognize

her own dad because she thinks
she's a cat now

and when he goes to hug her,

she instinctively
tears his face off.

Stupendous:
That would be my guess, too.

Shlub: It's a cautionary tale,

and I'm not gonna let that
happen to us.

Stupendous: You mean it?

Shlub: Of course I mean it.

This war is completely worth
doing because you deserve it.

Scott: Couldn't you have
father-daughter time

some other way?

I mean, people are really
getting hurt out there.

[Stupendous and Shlub laugh]

Stupendous:
What is he talking about?

Aphrodite: Anidi.

Tyrannis: Anidi...

Broseidon: Iyaaaaam.

Tyrannis: Iyaaaaam...

Broseidon: Oh, there you go,
bro. Now you're getting it.

Apollo: Ha ha!

Oh, Broseidon, don't forget to
teach him the choreography, too.

Aphrodite: Oh, yeah. I wanna
see full choreo with this thing.

Hippocampus: Mom,
this doesn't seem right.

Did they just bring him here
to humiliate him?

Deliria: Absolutely.
They don't give away god powers.

He's here
for their entertainment.

Hippocampus: That's cruel.
You gotta tell him.

Deliria: Absolutely not.

He needs to learn
this lesson for himself.

Hippocampus: If you're
not gonna tell him, I will.

Deliria: You will do
no such thing.

Hippocampus: Yes, I will...

Hippocampus:
right after this passes.

[Lute music playing]

Singer:
♪ The cat's in the cradle ♪

♪ He's stealing the girl ♪

♪ Raising her up
like a cat in the world ♪

♪ She never knew Daddy ♪

♪ But she knows him now ♪

♪ And she's going to tear
his face off ♪

Stupendous: Victory!

Singer: ♪ She's gonna
tear his whole damn face! ♪

Shlub: Hmm!

Victory!

I drink your boba.

[Slurping]

Stupendous: Dad! Look out!

Ohhhhh...

Uh!

Shlub: Stu...pen...dous!

Did you always
have that arrow there?

Sludge Monster:
Well, well, well.

Looks like your daughter's
not gonna make it.

Shlub: Shut up,
you smelly balloon.

Stupendous: Yeah, shut up!

Sludge Monster: You wanna know
what brought your father

all this way?

It was for a drink.

Stupendous: I already know that.
I'm fine with it.

I had fun. We bonded.

Sludge Monster: Is everyone
catching the tragedy here?

Guy who never thinks
of anyone else

gives up his own daughter
for a drink,

a daughter so blinded
by this sociopath

she dies for him.

Stupendous: I did what I did,
and I'd do it again.

Shlub: Stupendous,
that's lovely of you to say,

but I can't let it
end like this.

Wait! I've heard monster blood
can save cyclopses.

Mm-nngh!

[Stupendous sucking]

Shlub: Scott,
why are you looking away?

Scott: I don't know.
It seems weird.

Shlub: There's nothing weird
about it.

Is anything happening?

Stupendous: No.

Shlub: Right, so the monster
blood thing was a myth.

Sludge Monster:
Our doctors could save her.

Shlub: They could?

Ours haven't progressed
past fire ants.

Medic: Wow.
Say it to my face, dude.

Sludge Monster:
We're an advanced civilization.

We made a smoothie chewable!

We could save her life
right now.

All you have to do
is say, "Thank you."

Shlub: Well, that's easy.
Thank--

Stupendous: Wait! Dad, don't!

Shlub: What?

Stupendous:
This guy's an absolute turd!

You know what?

People like you are the reason
people love my dad.

He lives for the moment,
and he doesn't like rules.

That's why everyone
wants to hang out with him,

and that's why I wanted to
invade your country with him.

Dad, never apologize
for being you.

Just let me die.

Don't give this guy
the satisfaction.

Huh! No! That's dumb!
Say, "Thank you"!

Shlub: Thank you! Thank you!
For the love of god, thank you!

♪

Tyrannis: Iyaaam...

anidi...

otloo...

zer.

[Stifled laughter]

Tyrannis: Iyaam...

anidi...

otloo...

zer.

[Laughter]

Broseidon: Uh, keep going.
Keep going. They're excited.

Aphrodite: Bigger choreo!

Tyrannis: Iyaam anidiot loser.

Oh. This is a setup, isn't it?

Broseidon: What? Nah, bro.
It's just a little hazing.

Tyrannis: So I am getting
my special power?

Broseidon: Absolutely!

But first, you gotta drink
from this chalice!

Gods: Chalice! Chalice!

Chalice! Chalice!

Chalice!
Chalice!

Hippocampus: We gotta
get him outta here...

[Gulp]

at--at some point.

Tyrannis: I know this is a joke.
There's no super power.

Broseidon: You don't know that!
Drink it! Drink the wine!

Tyrannis: This is dumb.
I'm really being played here.

Maybe not, though?

[Slurp]

OK. That's spit.

Broseidon: Who's to say god spit
isn't the magic ingredient?

Tyrannis: Is it?

Broseidon: Well, you tell me,

because I now grant you
the demigod power of...

flight!

Go ahead. Try it out.

Tyrannis: Yah! Oh!

Broseidon: I present
to you Tyrannis--

an idiot loser who thought he
didn't have to pay me a tribute.

[Booing]

Deliria: Ty, it's me.

Tyrannis: Mom, you knew
this was a setup,

and you still let it happen?

Deliria: I thought
about warning you,

but you were being
such a pain,

I decided to let you learn
the lesson for yourself.

Tyrannis: What lesson?

Deliria: Never trust gods.

Tyrannis: I just wanted
a special power so badly.

I admit it,
I want to feel special.

Deliria: I'm going to give you
your special power right now.

Stand up and look at them calmly
like you don't care.

Broseidon: Hey, wait.
I just humiliated you.

Look more hurt!

Aphrodite: Come on! You lost!

Apollo: What the hell is this?
What are you doing?

Aphrodite: It's like
he doesn't care about us.

Broseidon: Stop not caring!
You're ruining it!

Deliria: Feels good, doesn't it?

Tyrannis: Would feel a little
better if I had an actual power.

Deliria: All right, but I'm
only going to do this once.

Point at something.

Apollo: What?

Deliria: Come on.
Let's get out of here.

Hippocampus: Yah!

Sludge Monster: I'm glad you
finally learned your lesson.

Shlub:
You're a strange, sad man,

but to thank you
for saving my daughter's life,

I give you all your land back.

Sludge Monster: I'm afraid
it's not that simple.

Shlub: Why not?

Sludge Monster:
Because you beat me.

Monster code number four
clearly states,

"Monster beat monster,
monster stay win."

Shlub: So I literally cannot
give you your land back?

Sludge Monster:
The code says no.

Shlub: What if you win it back?

Sludge Monster: That I'll allow.

Stupendous: Dad, I'm not
so sure we're gonna be able

to convince my army
to lose on purpose.

Shlub: Shouldn't be that hard.
It's the same basic formula.

We gather on this field

to lose every bit of ground
we just won.

Man: Uh...
Different man: Wait. Lose?

Shlub: But I'm not asking you
to lose for me.

I'm asking you
to lose for freedom!

[Cheering]

Shlub: Our enemies
don't want us to lose.

They think we can't lose.

[Booing]

Shlub: But I believe in you,
and I know

that when we freedom together,

we freedom for the freedom
of freedom!

[Cheering]

Man: Let's do it!
Freedom, love you!

Newsie: Extra, extra!

Krapopolis army
getting ass kicked.

Krapopolis conquers Boba,
then loses it!

Stupendous
almost dies in battle!

Has to get saved
by enemy doctor.

Father-daughter outing
kills thousands for nothing.

Stupendous: Aw, crap, Dad.

How do we keep Ty
from finding out about this?

It's on all the vases!

Shlub: Oh, he can't find out.
He'll lord it over us forever.

Stupendous: We need something
to knock this story

off the vases
before he gets back.

It's gotta be a huge news story.

Shlub: Scott, I have
an order for you,

and it's going to sound
a lot like a joke,

but I swear to you, it's not.

Newsie: Extra, extra!
Read all about it!

King's assistant
dresses up as gorilla

and starts throwing his feces
everywhere, shouting,

"I am gorilla boy!
Gorilla boy need wife!"

and then insists on getting
married to another gorilla!

Tyrannis: Sounds like
I've missed some news.

Shlub: It was a crazy week.

Tyrannis: It's harder to run
a city than you think, isn't it?

Shlub: So true.
And what have you been up to?

Tyrannis: I had
my demigod ceremony.

Shlub: I'm sorry I missed it.

Tyrannis: Yes.
You would have loved it.

Oh, hey, Scott. Congratulations.

Scott: Hey.

[Slurping]

Stupendous: I don't know.
The bubble things are annoying.

Shlub: The bubble things
are the whole point!

Stupendous: Can I get one
without bubbles?

Shlub: That's just a smoothie.

Stupendous: I love smoothies.

Shlub: So does everyone,
but this takes them up a notch.

Stupendous: I think it takes
them down, several notches.

[Slurp]

I just keep worrying it's
gonna get caught in my throat.

Shlub: What a stupid thing to--

Haagh!

[Coughs]

Haagh! Hwagh!

[Gagging]

Stupendous: Hup! Hup! Hup!

Shlub: Ohh...uhh...

Stupendous: I call that
the Stupe Maneuver.

At half-strength,
it saves lives!

Dan Harmon:
Did you get any of that?

Voice: Bento.