Original subtitles

President Trump recently embarked on a historic trip to

the Middle East in search of trade deals and alliances.

He found both. But he also found something else.

Something more powerful. He found love.

My long dad, this is Crown Prince Mahabib bin Salman.

And we're together now, kidding of course. But we are vibing.

You are too kind.

Habibi.

Habibi. Habibi, what a word.

But we've been having a lot of fun in the Middle East. I've been having a great time.

We've been eating a lot of meals, sitting on the floor,

dipping our fingers straight into various goops and spreads

that I politely scrape under the rug and go eat at a

mobile McDonald's that you built for me, isn't that right?

To end of list. But it's been a fantastic week in the Middle East.

I also went to Qatar, the UAE.

And much like God did during Passover, I skipped Israel. Oh well.

I bet you were happy about that though. You liked that, right?

No comment.

No comment. You don't want to say anything. Cancer culture.

But I did make this trip. I didn't make this trip for myself.

I want to make that clear. I did this for the American people

and in many ways myself. My personal enrichment.

I did that too. I did very well on this trip. Got a lot of cool stuff.

The Qataris gave me a $400 million plate. Can you believe that?

And people said that was some sort of bribe. Not true.

Not true. Because they haven't asked for anything in return.

Well, not yet.

Alright, so it's a pre-bribe. It's a pre-bribe.

But now people are saying I should really be flying in an American plane.

No thanks, honey. Have you seen what's going on with our planes?

The radar is down and the screen is blank.

Newer!

Darling! Where are we going? Where are we flying for our vacation?

Honey, directly into the ground.

But we just made a big... Oh, shut up.

But we just made a big airplane deal with the Crown Prince. Tell them about it.

Saudi Arabia will buy $1 billion worth of aircraft from Boeing.

Your funeral.

I also met with the leader of the UAE in Abu Dhabi.

We like to say Abu Dhabi. Abu Dhabi do.

Like the late, great Frank Flintstone.

The UAE promised to invest over a trillion dollars in the U.S.

I love Dubai because they do buy a lot of weapons.

But I've had a great trip here in the Middle East.

It was very much a boy's trip. I don't think I saw a single woman.

What's up with that, huh?

All the time, just walking into a room full of boys.

Hi, boys. Boys again.

The women are all hiding. It's like a nation of Melania's.

Very funny. There it is.

I'm going to look that up. I'm cooking. I'm having a great time.

I'm just going to say it. I love the Arabs. I love the Arabs.

I don't want to go home. Let me stay. Get me to Allah's country.

Everyone loves me here. They're not allowed to not, right?

They have to love you. If not, bye-bye.

Inshallah. Oh, I love that. I love that.

Donald, please stay. Build a palace next to mine and stay.

Oh, I sadly can't. I have to get back home.

Luckily, we have our own little slice of Saudi Arabia in America.

A dry desert area filled with people who are way too into their religion.

We call ours Utah. And I do very well there.

So I can't stay here in the Middle East. In fact, you know what?

I can't even stay in this sketch much longer.

Can I have to leave? You know what? Because it's the SNL finale.

Season 50. Worst one yet.

Okay, get up. Go ahead, get up, get out of there.

Let me sit here, yeah? Go with him.

Go eat sun chips in the hallway.

I'm here to break the fourth wall.

Oh, it's nice here with all the young pretty people. Hello.

Look at her. Wow.

Sevens or more.

Sevens or more. Sit on the floor, six and below, to the bleachers you go.

That sounds...

It's like a gut felt joke, kind of rhymed, right?

But you know, since it's a finale, that means after tonight,

you won't be seeing me here for a while.

Well, not the fake fun version of me that makes you smile.

The real one will still be omnipresent. You can't escape me, right?

I'm everywhere. Even in your dreams.

Even in your dreams, like the late, great Freddy Krueger.

I don't suppose that will know.

So, see you again in the fall if we still have a country, right?

It's a coin toss.

Happy summer, everyone.

And live from New York, it's Saturday Night Live!

It's Saturday Night Live with...

Michael Che.

James Austin Johnson.

Devin Walker.

Featuring... Ashley Padilla.

And your host, Scarlett Johansson.

Ladies and gentlemen, Scarlett Johansson.

You guys, thank you very much.

I am so excited to be hosting the finale of season 50.

And I'm so proud to be a part of it.

You know, I first hosted the show when I was 21 years old,

so it's crazy to be back here, what, like three years later?

Man, time really flies.

Anyway, it is so great to be back,

because as many times as I've stood on the stage,

it never stops feeling special.

It's 11.30 on a Saturday finale of season 50.

It's chaotic and crazy.

The whole week is hazy,

but there's no place that I'd rather be.

Scarlett, that was beautiful.

You mind if I take the next verse?

Oh, well, it's sort of my monologue.

Of course, no problem.

Sometimes we play likable characters.

Other times we play J.D. Vance.

It's not always funny.

We don't do it for money, or else Sarah would buy better pants.

Hey, guys, what are you singing about?

Great pants, by the way.

Oh, thank you.

La, la,

la-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

La, la, la, da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da

Sing us a song tonight Because we've made 50 years of great memories

Ladies and gentlemen, Billy Joel.

Wrote this song. I thought Billy Joel was going to come out.

Mikey, so cute, so simple. Well, I have to

be honest, I love a singing monologue. Really?

I like the ones where they take questions from the audience.

Well, let's do both then.

Does anyone here have a question? Yes, over here, I have one or two.

Could you introduce me to a dinosaur?

I'm sorry that I called on you. It's weird, but this place is kind of like my home.

I've been in over 300 sketches. And by my count, I've been in four.

It's just our first year, but we're glad to be here. Let's hear it for Joanne and Beth.

My name isn't Beth. Classic. Andrew and James, I hold dear.

It's been a great season and Sarah is leaving.

We're all gonna miss you next year.

Wait, what? Did you guys hear something?

Sing us a song in your monologue. The 50th season is through.

If we did it together and we got to spend it with you. Channel four.

That was our weatherman Keith. He said he wanted a

shot to try something new for our intro and well,

shot taken Keith. Swing and a miss folks.

Good morning, New York. And thanks as always

for waking up with us. I'm Susan McGrath.

I'm Tommy Nolan, our usual third wheel.

Claire Connors is out today. I can't legally say why,

but let's just say she gave birth to something.

But filling in for her this morning, we have

another member of our channel four family, Denise Jones from the nightly news.

So happy you're here joining us, Denise. Thanks for having

me. All right, let's get to our top stories coming

up later this morning. It's a dog gone miracle.

A new layer of AstroTurf has been installed at

the Riverside dog park. And later we tip

our cap, a Chino to Little Bean coffee shop,

which donates all their leftover pastries to a local homeless shelter.

Well, cap a Chino and it's a dog gone miracle. I love those little puns.

Yeah, they make our morning stories a little extra fun for our early risers.

That's so creative. I mean, we don't usually do those on the nightly news.

All right, well, you want to take the next one, Denise? Sure thing.

Next stop, the hospital. Last night, a woman was assaulted on the train.

I know, I did a pun. Yay. Oh, well, Denise, I

just think that story was a little too intense for that.

Oh, I get it. You mean, the pun is only okay when it's something like this.

Later, we tip our cap, a Chino to the woman who was assaulted on the train.

Somehow worse. You know, why don't we just

focus on the lighter stories, okay? All right.

Life is like a box of chocolates and Elmhurst

candy store celebrates 100 years in business.

And I'll have what she's having, a queen's couple dies in an apparent murder-suicide.

Wrong again. Denise, you don't have to do the puns for the sad ones.

Oh, okay, got you. So like this. Take me to the river if you want to see the dead body

that washed up today. And coming up later this

hour, who took his dong out an Ohio teacher did?

Denise, no more puns. Oh, I like doing them. We don't get to do them at night.

Oh, he ate that woman. Stay tuned for the latest

update on the manhunt of the Englewood Cannibal.

You know what, why don't we throw it to weather so

we can take a little break from Denise over here.

Keith? Thanks, Susan. This week, it's going to be sunny. Back to you, Denise.

That was it. Thanks, Keith. And in national news,

hopefully we have a reporter in the field standing by.

Calvin, how's it going out there?

Oh, well, it's a grim scene here at Leventine

where I want my baby back, baby back, baby back.

Says this mother of a girl who was kidnapped from a Chili's.

Calvin, no. This is serious.

Sorry, I just got inspired by Denise. Thank you.

It's just so refreshing to finally see a strong,

intelligent woman behind a desk. I've worked here for five years.

Can I try a pun, too? You used to call me on my cell phone.

It's been 12 days since any contact with my daughter.

No. Every time I make love to my beautiful wife,

I think we have no choice but to finish early.

Sorry, that was weird. Why don't you take us home there, Keith?

Goodbye for now. Channel four is over. Yes, the news is done.

Hello.

Aww.

Hi.

You guys look so down. You sat the seasons over and you only did, like, two videos.

Did, like, three at least.

Doesn't matter. It's just with everything going on in the news right now.

It's just things feel kind of bleak.

Yeah, I just feel like the world is falling apart.

Hey, know what you guys need? A vacation.

Vacation? We have work. It'll be expensive.

Shh. Tickets are on me. You ever flown first class before?

What do you say, boys? A little vacay?

Shh. Did you say Newark?

Yeah, boy. What's up?

No, I just... We're landing at Newark?

Yeah, Newark. In New Jersey.

Damn, it's kind of windy out there, huh?

Didn't we fly out of LaGuardia?

It's like a half an hour drive.

No, but this is awesome.

Come on. I mean, we're in first class.

Right?

Now I'm up in first class. I've been on the spritz fast.

I don't got time, so I'll wear a wrist wax.

Is something going on at Newark?

Like, are there planes crashing there or something?

No, I think they're just, like, losing them.

Losing the planes?

Yeah, like, losing track.

Yeah, right. They're losing the planes in Newark,

but the crashing is happening, like, everywhere all the time now.

Oh, yeah.

Right.

Yeah.

Are you not nervous?

Oh.

Bitch, I ain't scared of no plane.

Damn, I'm buckled up. Didn't like that at all.

Apologies for the turbulence, folks,

but good news, we've been cleared for landing at Newark.

At least I think so. Haven't heard anything yet.

Oh, no.

Hmm. That's not good.

Nah, that's scary. All the TVs just turned off.

Once we land, I should be good.

Once we land, I'll be all right.

I'm just gonna meditate, too.

God's got me. God's always got me.

I can't be alone with the thoughts in my dome.

Mark, do you have any shows in your phone?

The only show I have is Lost. I only have the pilot of Lost.

Why would you only have that one?

I didn't know I'd be here today.

Bad news, folks. We are what we call in the biz, flying blind.

Oh, God.

Okay, be honest. Do you think we'll make the article at least?

What?

Do you think the article will be like Scarlett Johansson and

Please Don't Destroy, Die in Plane Crash, or just you?

What's Please Don't Destroy?

Who did you think we were?

Uh, pardon me. Will I give a quick call to our air traffic controller?

Come on. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up.

Hello?

Hi. Are you having fun up there?

No, I'm not having fun. Sir, do you have our coordinates?

Uh, I don't know. It's my first day.

What? It's your first day?

Yeah. There's... there's like no one here.

Oh, fantastic.

Maybe you tell me, like, what... what call is your... is your plane?

It's a frickin' plane.

I'm gonna find the emergency exit and I'm gonna jump.

Do not open the emergency exit.

I've got... I want to.

Oh, God. That's a new one.

Oh, it looks like this is it, guys. Anything to get off your chest?

This might sound corny, but the only thing I regret is...

is that Avengers didn't make more money at the box office.

What? We are going down. If anybody can help us, please. Please!

I can't give up on them.

Yes. If I just...

locate their coordinates... I'm starting to get my signal back.

And calculate that wind resistance.

Dude, hang on. I see the runway. I see the runway.

I think I'm doing a good job. I think I'm saving them.

Oh, my God. It's working. It's working!

I can see you know you're...

Yes! I'm so happy.

Yes! Yes! Yes!

Don't you finally enjoy our vacation in Newark?

I can do anything you put your mind to.

Wow. I can't believe what was supposed to be a one-night stand

turned into three weeks together.

Yes. I'm also having trouble believing that.

So, I've been thinking. My lease is up. Your lease isn't.

So, I could either be homeless, or perhaps there's another arrangement.

Like you get another apartment?

Oh, I'm sorry. This is kind of awkward, but you're kind of sitting at our table.

Your table? The bar area is the first that got here, first that will be served.

Um, okay. Well, we've been coming here every Friday for the

past three weeks, and this is where we sit, right, baby?

Oh, right.

Oh, baby, they got you first.

Babe, this is our special table. They need to move.

Hi, Omeo, baby. Let's just go. Maybe I go to my apartment,

and you go to any place that's different than that.

No way, no way. We're not just going to leave because they told us to.

Say something. Defend my honor.

Okay, I got this, baby. I got this.

Hey!

That's right. He's about to beat your ass.

Do you hear that? He's going to go loca on me.

You hear that? He's going to go loca on me.

Oh, so now you're making my man cry?

Let me tell you something in a way you can understand.

What?

You heard me.

You are not making any sense.

You're not the only one who can speak Spanish, bitch.

I used to work at Chipotle.

Listen to me closely.

Damn, they're really going at it over there.

I feel like I'm watching and telling novella.

Y'all hope they do that thing where they slap each other and kiss.

Wait, what?

Yeah, you know, in every novella, there's a slap and kiss.

You see, in their culture, the line between passion and violence is paper thin.

Baby, please, come over here. Do not listen to this woman. I'm going to protect you.

Oh, yeah, you better protect her because I'm about to esparago, not on us.

Baby, baby, baby, you're talking about asparagus.

Let me handle this, okay?

I said, there's no reason to fight. And they make a great couple and he never.

.. he should never let her go.

Oh, that's sweet.

Baby, let's get out of here and go back to your place.

Because tonight, I'm going to give you...

Okay, baby, let's go.

Okay, well, maybe we can learn a little something from them.

So tonight, I'm going to give you...

You have me a tetas.

You look at that. It's like they always say, amor.

So, I just found out there's a second Kansas City.

Hey, you guys know I love Colin, right?

Of course. He's your boo thing for life.

Yeah, and we're like totally happy.

But like, it's normal to have little crushes here and there.

Especially on someone from the cast.

Oh, who is it?

Creepy, creepy log fellow.

No, it's Bowen.

He's just so sweet.

And I mean, nothing's obviously going to happen.

I'm married. He's gay.

Um, yeah, no. Bowen is not gay.

Bowen is straight as hell.

Really?

But at the 50th, I saw him sobbing over Cher.

It's all fake, girl. He just dials up the gay for clout.

Trust me, that man's a pee hound through and through.

Seriously?

Hello, hello.

Have you missed you?

Of course, he's with Gina Gershon.

I just had a scene.

Slower.

Okay.

So, how's the week been going? You getting along with the cast?

Yeah, fine.

Why? You heard something?

Bowen, hi.

What's up, Colin?

Hey, good work this season. Keep it up. Excited to watch you grow.

Thanks, man.

Do you mind, uh...

Leaving?

Yeah.

Yeah, no problem. I'll just take the stairs.

It's only 30 flights.

Scarlet, Scarlet. My Jurassic.

Harlot.

Bowen, you shouldn't be talking to me that way. I'm married.

Probably shouldn't be doing a lot of things.

That's better.

Watch it, Mr. Mudang.

What's that in your... you know, Colin's my SNL brother and

would never do anything to hurt him, but I would f*** his wife.

There is something I wanted to ask you.

What?

I guess I was wondering...

what that yang do.

Oh, Scarj.

Wait, wait. Do we need protection?

No, it's fine. I can bottom.

I need to see you again.

Tonight.

I'll cook for you.

You want to come by mine? You like ceviche?

Yeah.

You want to come by at, like, 2 a.m.?

Okay.

Oh, no. We're something pretty, okay?

Hey.

Wait, were we not hanging out tonight?

Right. Shoot. Come on in.

Oh, nice place.

So, are we cooking?

Uh, oh, yeah. I think there's some tendies in the air fryer.

Bye, King.

See you at rehearsal.

You slept with Eggo?

What do you want me to say?

I don't know. That we had a connection?

Oh, so now we're dating?

I just found out who you were this morning.

Oh, so I meant nothing to you.

God, you're suffocating me.

Screw it. I'm going to Tokyo.

Thanks for inventing AI, by the way.

Hey, Mama.

Hey. You too.

Did you keep asking yourself why?

You'll drive yourself crazy.

I got gaslipped by bony.

Hey, bro.

Domo arigato, Radikovsky son.

Let's go to Disneyland Tokyo.

Is that Emily Radikovsky?

Hurry up!

Okay!

Listen, Orange. Never get your back blown out by a gay guy.

Amen, sister.

Can you press 147, please?

Uh, sure.

Thank you.

God. Oh, you're Mike Myers.

I am, yes. Thank you.

Damn, this is my stop. Good to meet you, though.

Look, nice to meet you. Nice to meet you.

Hi. I'm sorry to bother you. I just have to say this.

I'm a huge fan of yours, Mr. Myers.

Oh, thank you. That's very, very kind. Thank you. What's your name?

I'm Janice, and I just love all your movies.

My girlfriends and I quote Shrek like all the time.

Oh, thank you. That's a little weird, but thank you. Thank you. That's very nice.

It's my first time in New York. You just never

know what celebrity you're going to run into here.

It's true.

Oh, my God. Is that Kanye West?

Yeah, what you talking about?

Remove my song, fam. Come on, give me one good reason.

Besides that.

Besides that. How is it not relatable? Everybody got a cousin.

Oh, I guess it's my stop. Again, so nice to meet you, Mr. Myers.

No, no, it's not. It is not your stop.

What are you doing?

You can't leave me alone in here with him.

And I heard he's a delight.

Oh, hey, you're Mike Myers, right?

Kanye, what's up, man?

It's just yay now.

Sorry, yay. I guess it's been a while.

Yeah, since that Hurricane Katrina benefit.

Yes.

You know, when I told the world that George

Bush don't care about black people on live TV.

Yes.

And you just had to stand there looking stupid.

Yes. So, uh, uh, what do you been up to?

Oh, me? I'm in the KKK now.

Of course you are. Yes, yes.

How's your kids?

My kids? My kids are safe.

That's good. Family stability is important.

Isn't it, though? Yes. Yeah.

This Diddy stuff is crazy, right?

What?

Diddy. He's on trial right now for like a bunch of stuff.

Oh, yeah, yeah. I heard about that. Yeah.

It's so crazy, man.

You think you know a guy turns out to be a full crazy monster, man.

Yeah, right. So, what happened to you?

What do you mean?

Nothing. Not one thing.

Let's wait for the next one.

Yeah, yeah.

No, come back. There's plenty of room in there.

There's plenty of room in this elevator.

So, Mayas, that Jewish... Protestant, actually. Protestant, yeah.

Nice.

Yeah.

Hey, you know what? We should take a selfie together.

Come on.

Hold on. Hold on.

The elevators are so slow sometimes. What was that?

You must have hit stop or something.

I think we stuck, man. We gonna be here for a while now.

Oh, no. Should we jump up and down until something happens?

Nah, man. I don't like doing crazy stuff.

You don't understand. I get really claustrophobic.

Oh, trust me. I understand. I'm a few phobics myself.

But right now, we just need to relax.

You want some knots?

No, I'm good. I just got to get out of here.

Calm down, Mike. You sounded like a lunatic.

Why don't I play you my next single, man? It's a love song.

Okay.

Yeah, it's called Squeezing on My Grandpa Booty.

Wait. We're moving again.

Okay. Thank you, God.

You're welcome.

This is me. Take care of yourself, yeah.

Yeah, you too, Shrek.

You think you know God.

Ladies and gentlemen, Bad Bunny.

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

Well, President Trump traveled to the Middle East this week,

and if I were him, I would have just stayed there because it looked awesome.

Trump arrived in Saudi Arabia where he was greeted

with a lavender carpet which matched the color of his tie

and also the length.

They also rolled out a mobile McDonald's truck

for President Trump's visit featuring Saudi

Arabia's most popular new burger, the McJournalist.

President Trump, while on his trip, said that Iran

has sort of agreed to terms for a nuclear deal

in the same way Trump has sort of agreed to uphold the Constitution.

Many people in Saudi Arabia were very happy

with President Trump's visit to the country

because rich Saudis love to fly out thick blondes.

The Democratic National Committee protested

President Trump's plans to accept a $400 million luxury jet from Qatar

by flying a banner over Mar-a-Lago reading Qatar-a-Lago.

It's the kind of hilarious stunt that makes you

realize why the Democrats will never win again.

Ethical experts are also warning that Trump may owe

political favors to countries who give him lavish gifts.

But based on the way he left the Middle East,

I think I know how Trump is gonna pay them back.

President Trump has signed an executive order

giving refugee status to white people from South Africa.

You know, I could have sworn that white people

had it good in South Africa. Must be the Mandela effect.

The Trump administration announced that after face-to-face talks

with China, it is lowering tariffs from 145% to 30%,

which is a little like O.J. bragging about taking the knife out.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., whose shirt collar traps

all the blood in his head, was criticized for posting

pictures of himself swimming in a Washington, D.C.

creek despite signs warning it was contaminated with raw sewage.

Can you imagine how many parasites are in there, said the creek?

The Department of Homeland Security said they may

participate in a new reality show in which

immigrants would go through a series of challenges

for a chance to become a citizen.

It's called the Real Housekeepers of Orange County.

According to a new tell-all book,

Biden's inner circle revealed that they were worried

the president would need a wheelchair in his second term,

especially after they were all done stabbing him in the back.

The White House also announced that Vice President J.D.

Vance will travel to the Vatican for Pope Leo's inaugural mass.

And I'm not a huge fan of his outfit.

Train engineers went on strike yesterday,

completely shutting down New Jersey transit lines into New York,

in case you were wondering why the city smelled so nice.

In what counts as good news in 2025,

the Menendez brothers have been resentenced for the 1989 murder of their parents

after the judge said he did not believe the brothers posed a risk if released,

unless someone adopts them.

Oh, that's a good point.

Some of them are just points, not jokes.

After several troubling incidents at Newark Liberty International Airport,

many people are worried about airplane safety,

but one person is more worried about airplane food.

Here to comment, you know her, you love her,

you got her fined by the FCC.

Show some love for Miss Eggie.

I'm sorry, Eggo, what is this?

Damn, this place stunk.

And they ain't even served the food yet.

Black attendant came around asking me if I want some butternut squash ravioli.

More like butternut offered me that mess till you put some meat in it.

Scratch that sucker.

Can't even give me a whole can of soda stingy ass.

For want to hand me a dry ass Biscoff.

More like you about to piss a Biscoff.

The hell?

I'm sorry, is all of your stand-up about food?

Good God damn, I am starving.

Flight attendants saying the only sandwich

they got on this plane is a turkey pesto on ciabatta.

All I know is this bitch, ciabatta, lose her life.

Show.

That bread was harder than my man when I get out the tub.

His name's Maurice, but I call him Trey

cause he stay in the upright and locked position.

Cause Miss Eggie done what?

Yeah, I'm sorry, I really don't think this is helpful.

Colin, please, I'm eating.

Then she asking, do I want some

apple cranberry compote?

Uh, I'm gonna need a compote or the Google, what the hell that is?

And y'all went and took peanuts off the plane

cause everybody want to have an allergy.

If you don't take a Benadryl and shut your gay ass up.

The hell?

But Eggo, this newer story is serious.

And how about that TSA, huh?

Putting on that pop of smurf gloves thinking

they can fill me up just cause I got a gun.

Cause Miss Eggie stay what?

That's right.

No stretch, y'all.

You were supposed to be talking about Newark airport.

Colin, I literally am.

Listen here.

Menopause been making me horny.

Menopause?

And let's just say

Miss Eggie don't need no hollandaise sauce cause I already know how to Benodryl.

Okay, Eggo, please, Eggo wrap this up.

Please wrap this up.

In conclusion, thank you JetBlue for having a bitch.

And if we hit turbulence, Colin,

just take a Benadryl and what?

Shut your gay ass up.

Enjoy the flight.

Miss Eggie everyone.

New research shows that too much sitting

could damage your brain,

which explains why Stephen Hawking was such a dumbass.

Dick's 40 Goods announced that it is buying

Footlocker for more than $2 billion

and will combine to form Dick Fockers.

A new survey found that the worst literors

in New York City are men from the Bronx and Queens

while women from the Bronx and Queens

safely keep all their junk in the trunk.

A driver for Amazon was fired after she was

caught on a ring camera defecating on a porch.

Said the homeowner, but that's what I ordered.

A new study suggests that people who feel tired

all the time could have suffered a mini stroke,

which makes sense because I always get sleepy after a stroke, you know?

I feel like all my jokes take time.

It was a heartwarming one to end on.

You know, tonight is our season finale

and we, uh, I'm not sure.

Your last joke took my breath away.

We have a tradition here where Che and I

give each other jokes to read at the end of the season.

Read jokes live on air that the other person has never seen before.

But before we start,

it's F&L's fiftieth season,

so I want to take a moment to say something to our boss, Lorne Michaels.

Lorne, retire, bitch.

Let me run the show.

Wow, out the gate calling, well,

maybe you should just tell your first joke.

How about that?

Oh, I get to do another.

Yeah, yeah, it's all a joke, man.

CBS has premiered the first hour-long daytime soap opera

with a predominantly black cast.

It'll air when black people are home from work 24 hours a day.

Since you liked that, here's another.

CBS has premiered the first half-hour-long

daytime soap opera with a predominantly black cast.

It's called All My Children.

Don't know who they're dating.

The movie theaters are trying to stop teenagers from

screaming and throwing popcorn during the Minecraft scene

with the chicken jockey,

because some of us are trying to masturbate.

But seriously, Minecraft was a great movie.

I haven't been that excited

since I saw a white woman drink unattended.

That must have been so exciting for you.

Oh, man, why?

Couldn't be any.

A new... yeah, it could be nice, yeah.

A new study finds that the hoots and grunts of bonobos

show signs of complex thoughts similar to human language.

Oh, so like that awful halftime show?

You know, before I tell another joke,

I wanted to take this opportunity to apologize to someone I hurt.

Scarlett, can you come out here?

I don't like this.

You know, last time we did Jokeswap,

I made Colin do some tasteless jokes,

comparing your vagina to Costco roast beef.

Yes, I remember that.

Well, the fact is, I was just lashing out because I'm jealous.

I've never even seen a human vagina.

And notice I said human.

Because I once spent the summer on a farm.

You feel me?

Maybe I'm just embarrassed about my own body.

I can't even take my hoodie off during sex

because I have more nipples than a pregnant dog.

Yes, I have heard that about you.

And Colin, I'm sorry, too,

because I owe you everything.

When Colin discovered me, I was selling crack outside the Bronx.

And now look at me, selling crack outside the American Girl Dolls.

I've told thousands of jokes on update and gotten dozens of laughs.

But I've never said the three most important words of all.

I love you.

Oh, that's pretty sweet, buddy.

Love you, too.

Oh, well, um, yeah.

Okay, but before I continue,

Golden State Warriors head coach Steve Kerr is here with his family.

I got to meet his son, Nick,

and I love Steve.

I like Nick.

But I wouldn't say I'm a Nick Kerr lover.

Some psychologists say adults can reduce stress by returning to a childhood hobby,

which is why I returned to my favorite childhood hobby,

topping off priests with my pretty little mouth.

Speaking of which...

Lorne, I'll do anything to run this show.

All right, everyone.

Welcome to day one of shooting, Penelope's secret.

Yes, it's a romance about two women in the 50s who fall deeply in love.

And yes, I'm the director.

And yes, I am a man.

Sawe.

Why don't I throw to our assistant director,

who, and this will make you all feel better, is a woman.

Yay, women!

Thanks, Greg. Actually, I'm non-binary.

Ooh, Sawe.

Okay, so our first scene up today will be the one

where Penelope and Madame Wilcox first become intimate

and to make sure everyone feels safe and comfortable,

we've brought in two intimacy coordinators.

Guys, want to introduce yourselves?

Yep. Hi, everyone. I'm Trish.

And this is an insane coincidence,

but my name is also Madame Wilcox.

Well, thanks for being here, you guys.

Thanks for having us. Now where's our cast?

Right over here, this is Annabelle and this is Rachel.

Great to meet you. So, where's the dude?

Oh, there's no dude, just the two women.

Oh, okay, so it's just a kissing scene.

Okay, fine.

Great, that's great.

No, guys, it's a full love scene between two women.

But... how would that even work?

What do you mean?

Oh, no, he's just confused because he doesn't get how two buns make a hot dog.

I get it, I love it.

But wait, like, two donuts isn't exactly a balanced breakfast.

It's simply too much tunnel, not enough train.

Okay, uh, I'm sorry, have you guys never worked on a queer set before?

Or as us allies like to call it, an overdue set, am I right?

Yeah!

Okay, just get it together.

Whoops, I'm sorry.

Yeah, of course, we've worked on queer sets. I mean, I myself am ally passing.

But it's different for girls, right?

Like, gay guys I get, a butt is basically a bejouge.

I'm sorry, do you think lesbians don't have sex?

Oh, well, I hope this isn't offensive, but real sex? No, no, I don't.

You know what, he's just having trouble understanding

how you'd pay without putting a credit card in a reader.

Oh, is it like Apple Pay where you just tap the googoos?

Um, sorry, dude, the googoos?

Seriously, my guy, this is highly offensive to lesbian folks.

Actually, that's not totally wrong.

Ugh, she's so annoying.

Dude!

Sorry, they are so annoying.

You know what, maybe just try to picture it, madam.

Guess I could give it a shot.

Oh.

Uh-huh.

Well, that is nice.

Um, you know, perhaps there's some online videos

of two ladies that I can watch as further research.

Yeah, I think I'm gonna go watch some videos of two ladies right now.

Wow, okay, he was in a hurry.

Wait, what's the wifi?

What's the wifi?

What's the wifi?

What's the wifi?

What's the wifi?

What's the wifi?

It's the PA!

Guys, we gotta get going here.

Can we move on with the scene?

Yep, you know what?

Let's just do it.

What's up, fans?

This is TV Tapes, and we talked to your favorite cast from your favorite show.

Yep, and we're so excited.

This was our most requested show this year.

Joining us today is the cast of the hit romance, Summer Lake.

Hey!

Thanks for being here, guys.

We've got a ton of questions for the whole cast.

There's so much that the fans are dying to know.

But we gotta start with the internet's boyfriend, Danny Cheeks.

Aw, hey, guys, it's me.

So, Danny, first question is for you.

Your character is always wearing his signature hoodies.

Were those from your real closet?

Nah, I wish, but the wardrobe department knew it was up.

They really did.

And next question, Danny, how did you get into acting?

Well, I love watching TV, so I wanted to try it.

And our next question is for you, Rochelle.

What's harder, being a woman or being black?

Oh, wow, that's my question.

Yep, so let's go back to Danny.

Was it fun shooting at the lake?

Oh, it was fun, but it was hot.

Yeah, low-talk.

And Jade, when's the last time you took Plan B?

Whoa, don't ask that.

Okay, so, Danny, do you have a favorite onset snack?

Oh, man, that's hard. Maybe pretzels?

Nice, salty.

And now, Cassie, you're not as attractive as the other cast members.

That's not a question.

That's what the fans are saying.

So, Danny, who are you dating these days?

Oh, I don't kiss and tell.

Of course, that's private.

So, Taylor, you just had a really bad divorce.

Whose fault was it? You or your husband's?

It was a girl, and it was my fault.

Wait, Danny, is it fun having abs?

Yeah, I love it.

Sir, why can't we get questions like that?

Okay, Cassie, here's a fun one.

You recently got married, congrats.

So, why isn't your husband a Ukrainian refugee?

That wasn't a fun one.

I had fun.

Danny, when's the last time you laughed really hard?

Watching TikTok breaks.

Rochelle, we go to you.

Deadline reported that you're being written out of the show next season.

Is it because someone leaked your news?

Um, I'm just learning about all parts of that right now.

Really? It's everywhere.

Now, Danny, what's your favorite?

Everything.

Oh, Danny, hold up.

Am I being written out of the show?

Rochelle, drop it.

Next question.

Jade, who's your favorite Cass member to party with?

Uh, that actually is fun.

I love going out with Taylor.

Oh, same.

And Jade, if you could vote one religion

off the face of the Earth, which one would you pick?

No, pass.

Okay, here's another. How come all of your exes are white?

Pass.

And Cassie, you good face but bad hair.

You have mental problem?

Excuse me? Pass.

Yes. And Rochelle, what are you gonna do now that you're unemployed?

Is that confirmed?

Yes, and Danny, music or pictures?

Music.

And finally, to all the women and gun to your head, why do lesbians dress like that?

What do you mean?

Now, let me rephrase. If a lesbian was raised in a lab and never saw another person,

would she still dress like that?

You know what's crazy? This is the best interview we've done so far.

We're out of time. This was awesome. I wish we had more time.

Oh, me too. Yeah, me too.

This was really, really interesting. Hey, that's what I thought.

My gosh, same. Thanks for watching, everyone.

And make sure to join our Discord. We're gonna post

Danny's baby pics and everyone else's old tweets.

Why are you doing that?

I was cute and I still am.

Once again, Bad Bunny.

And now, Victorian ladies at lunch.

Oh, it is so wonderful to see you all again.

I do so treasure our lunches together.

And your chef is magnificent.

Look at this incredible feast.

Oh, I do say I'm as hungry as the horse that brought me over here.

And it's a new horse I've heard. How fast is he again?

About one horsepower.

Hello, ladies. Is everything to your liking?

Well, I see blood pudding and pickles cow's feet, so I'm in heaven.

Excellent.

And how are the jellied eels today?

Oh, exquisite. We take the whole eel and just smother it in jelly.

I can't wait to taste that texture.

And the cashewed clams, are they fresh?

Oh, absolutely. They arrived last Wednesday and we've kept them in an open wooden box.

And the boiled calf said... Yes?

Was that of change in the humane fashion?

Not at all.

What type of bird were they eating today?

Oh, the most upsetting ones, my lady.

Eagles, hummingbirds, penguins.

And I believe we still have a few baby puffins.

Oh, no, not anymore, you go.

Yummy, yummy in my tummy.

And the BLT, are what's in that again?

Bunnies and little turtles.

And the turkey clam, or what was it called, twill?

Why, the Bible, of course.

And what was that special on the menu, Panda Express?

Ah, yes, it's a panda that we pushed in front of a train.

That's how I want to go.

Delicious.

M.G.

M.G.

The best part of a pasta sashimi.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Now, before I go, anything to drink?

I need four brimming glasses of donkey's milk, will do.

Right, lady?

Ah, indeed.

Yeah, indeed.

And that's donkey's milk, Gerald.

Don't make that mistake again.

Well, you understand why it took so long last time.

Ladies, bon appétit.

What did everyone do after lunch?

I went to the bathroom.

I went to the bathroom as well.

I went numbers two through seven.

And how was it for everyone?

Mine was bad.

Mine was the worst it could be.

I was wearing so many layers, and I did not get any of them all.

I think the jellied eel came out whole and jumped back into the sea.

Yum, yum, yum. Are the ladies ready to order dinner?

I mean, I guess we could spit something small.

Perhaps a hot dog?

Wonderful. I'll get the poodle into the jacuzzi right away.

Pepto-Bismol.

Settle down your stomach with the only medicine that's made with...

Oh, God! Flamingos!

Right now, I want to say a huge congratulations to the incredible cast and crew

for these 50 years.

So amazing.

Lorne Michaels, wherever you are, you're not going

to want me to single you out, but congratulations.

You are a singular man.

We love you.