Original subtitles

Okay, okay.

Okay. Oh, my God!

Babe, it's cute. It's fine.

The ones that people mess up in are the ones that get the most likes.

Hmm...

My publicist does say I should portray myself

being in a loving relationship.

Oh. Oh.

Well, hi, I'm Andrew.

And I can confirm officially

that Nico is in a loving relationship.

Ever since I joined his show as a stuntman

on Hampton's Bay...

...this boy has been obsessed with me.

You got a text.

Kind of sexual. Andrew.

Very sexual. No, give me back my phone.

Explicitly sexual. Okay. Why are you reading my texts?

I was just... No, no, why are you getting sexts from random dudes?

I can't control who texts me. I'm a celebrity.

No, no, not this again. Besides, we're not even social media official.

Okay? Yet.

Nico, we agreed to be exclusive.

It's a dick pic, isn't it?

The man got a dick pic right there.

He tried to say it was nothing, just some random fan.

Liar! Did he do the thing? What thing?

Like when he lied about sleeping with Veronica's sister while she was homeless with amnesia.

I still can't believe that you watch Hampton's Bay. All five seasons.

What happened to your job? I thought you had that toilet paper ad.

I'm an award-winning graphic designer.

I'm not gonna waste my talent on bears who shit themselves.

I don't think that's... I'm selective about the jobs that I take.

Okay. Privilege.

No, I... just plateaued.

And to be honest, no one will hire me.

Here. Check that out.

This is when Nico lies.

His chin goes up and to the right.

And the reason I know that

is because we had chowder

in Amagansett.

Did he do it?

It's a dick pic, isn't it?

I swear. It's not a dick pic.

Where are you going?

I, uh, gotta go meet my trainer.

Did you just...

No.

I knew it. So, ¿no más?

No más. I've got ten minutes.

Catch me up. We are officially on breakup número nine.

Ooh! Well, let's hope it sticks this time.

Nico is like one of those Dementors.

You know, like from Harry Potter?

They suck the soul out of people through their faces.

Except Nico does it through your dick.

He is really good at that. Because he practices with other people.

Ow! Oh! Oh, so you do respect yourself. Okay.

Then don't let Nico disrespect you by going back again.

I'm not going back. Mmm.

Mm-hmm. You say that. But yet you keep going back.

You do realize that's the definition of insanity, right?

Wait. You already wrote number ten?

Because if you get to number ten,

I'm gonna have to unleash the nuclear option.

- What does that even mean? - Oh, it's top secret.

- He's been prepping for months. - All you need to know is,

ever since the second grade, I've only ever wanted the best for you.

Mm-hmm. Okay? You're smart. You're generous.

You literally kick ass at your kick-ass job.

Stuntman and sexy self-defense instructor.

You deserve someone real.

I don't want to have to save you from yourself.

But I will, because I'm your best friend.

But I need you to help me help you.

I want you to say it out loud.

Manifest it. "No more Nico." Mm-hmm.

"No more Nico." Say it, Drew.

I'm not going back.

No. The words.

Say it out loud. "No more Nico!"

Those words. "No more Nico!"

- I just... I'm not yelling it. - Don't make me do it.

He's gonna do it. Do what? Don't.

Okay. Don't...

Oh, my God. No more Nico!

No more Nico! No more Nico!

No more Nico! No more Nico!

Shut your mouth! Yeah!

Ooh, you in trouble!

- No more Nico. - Yeah.

No more Nico.

Cut.

Stunties, on your way.

Hey.

Go to the right. Yeah.

- Andrew. - Mm-mmm.

I know you've been avoiding me.

But listen, today is the anniversary of when we first met on set.

We always wanted to hit that one-year mark together.

And I was thinking, I don't know,

maybe we can still celebrate?

Ah!

Thought I was meeting you at your...

I figured you'd be getting weak around now.

Kelly worked a double shift, and I'm still unemployed,

so I'm all yours, all night.

I don't need a babysitter, Jake.

Oh, yeah? You weren't just getting ready to go out?

No. No, no, I was...

I'm so tired. I was just getting ready for bed.

Doubtful. I can smell the Old Spice from here.

I always smell like this.

You do not.

Riddle me this, Drew. If I were to look at your phone right now,

would I find a text from Nico, to Nico,

you stalking his Insta, Twitter, Pinterest?

What? No. Give me that!

What? This is...

Hey. You are fast.

Here, be my guest.

Checking my accounts, making sure my finances are all good,

'cause I'm an entrepreneur.

I may need you to pass me some of that cheddar soon.

Or you can go get a job. You can come work at the gym with me.

Funny.

So, what are we doing?

Your neighbor has a roof deck? Cool.

Mr. Jiang, my friend's really obsessed with your chess set. Could we use that?

Now, this is what I'm talking about.

Chess is a game for gentlemen.

A game for thinkers.

This is where I crush.

Yes. I think you will crush, bro.

Because you're the best. You absolutely cannot be beat by...

Oh! Mr. Jiang.

Um, my friend Jake and I were just gonna play a little game.

He's a self-proclaimed master. Not like you, an actual master.

Whoa, shit. What if y'all played?

I agree.

Happy anniversary, gorgeous.

I... It's nice, but I...

You know I missed you.

Please, be quiet.

I'm trying to concentrate.

Sorry.

Wait a minute. Have you been there the whole time?

Yeah. Where else would I be?

I saw Nico.

But before you judge, he's being way more considerate. Mmm.

Got me this watch for our anniversary.

That is a cast gift. All the leads got one.

This is a regift?

The exact same thing happened to me.

I used to be married to hot garbage.

Once, I walked in on him banging one of those Japanese sex robots

while my sister watched.

Oh. Oh, okay.

Different than my story.

Point is, you never heard me at work bitching about it.

- Did you? - No, never heard that one.

Exactly.

Because I dealt with it.

And I moved on.

You sure?

I turned my story into a script, and we start prepro in January.

My wife is producing it, my sweet Rhonda.

Whoa. And she might do the catering.

So my advice is, don't get lost in the bullshit.

You still wanna be lead fight choreographer, right?

More than anything.

Then focus on the job.

Oi, stunties. Cut the chitchat, all right?

Let's shoot this. I'm not getting any younger.

Quiet on the set! We're ready to roll!

Hampton Bay, scene 98-B, take 15.

Action!

Shit.

Are you kidding me, Nico? And Troy?

Yo.

Let's go out. I need to see what's out there. Like "out" out?

Yes! I have 18 hours off and I haven't worn sexy underwear in weeks.

Sexy underwear? Oh, hell yeah!

Let's go suck some dicks!

Really?

Just little... little... Little dicks.

No. I mean, just a little dick.

Specifically little? A little bit of dick.

Not like a tiny... Never mind.

Ooh! There's a bear!

Twink! Twink!

Daddy. Twelve o'clock.

And an otter too!

I think, um... I think I need to go somewhere a little more low-key.

What?

Party people! Let's get this place bumping!

Perfect, right?

Okay.

Yeah, you go, girl! Baby. Baby.

Baby. Baby, let's go. What? Aw!

Thanks. Thank you.

Maybe I'm making too big of a deal out of this whole monogamous thing.

Cheers. Cheers.

He wants to be open. It's not that wrong.

No. But it's what he wants.

For you, monogamy's important.

It's kind of bullshit that he's forcing you

into a situation that you don't want to be in.

Yeah. He's the first person I've ever been in love with.

You know, it's really hard to just let him go.

It's not easy to find a boyfriend in New York. Mm-hmm.

Nico, he's handsome. He's got his life together.

He's driven and focused and successful.

And I, like, don't know why he chose me.

Okay. I'm lucky. You know?

Andrew, you need to get it in your head

that you are the catch, not him. Okay?

- Get ready. - Hey. For what?

I signed us up for a dating app... as a couple looking for a third.

- Why would you do that? - Yes, why?

Because we do everything together.

Oh...

So, when we find somebody cool,

I'm just gonna tell them we broke up

and pass the account along to you... bam!

And since I didn't want to limit our search results,

I signed us up for Scruff, Grindr, Bro, Bone, Jack'd,

Growlr, Grizzly and Farmers Only,

- since I know you like them grass-fed. - Ooh. Vegans.

Oh! We got a hit.

Oh. He's 15 feet away.

That's him.

Act natural. More natural. Right.

No, I don't care about your lottery winnings or your huge, smooth cock!

Can we go, please? Yes.

Hey.

Hi. Got the moves.

Yeah. I'm Leo.

Can I buy you a drink?

Are you trying to get me drunk? No, I...

I'm just kidding. Uh, ex squeeze me?

Vieux Carré, double lemon twist.

Thank you.

How's your night? It's going.

Ew. Carbs.

- Can I say something? - Yeah. Yeah, please.

You need to be more honest.

- About what? - Your profile pic.

Oh, my friend made that.

It's not a deal breaker. You're cute, so I'll stay.

But take the picture down before you trick somebody else, yeah?

I see what you mean now.

If you want to keep using Bone, Jack'd, Scruff,

and especially Grindr,

don't partner again with a bi guy.

It's a total turnoff. Ugh.

I will be deleting all my accounts.

Good idea.

Uh, can I say something?

If I said no, would that stop you?

That shirt's really inappropriate. Unicorns are fake.

God is real. Believe.

I believe.

How's your drink?

Why? Did you put something in it?

- No. God, no. - Leave God out of this.

- Did you roofie me? - No.

This guy tried to roofie me!

No, I did not roofie anyone. Coming through.

Then finish it yourself, asshole.

Yo. Whoa.

Oh! What is happening?

- Oh! - This creep just threw a drink at me

because I wouldn't let him drug me!

Come on, Leo. Time to go.

Come on. Here, right there and let's go.

No, he's lying, Clint! Yeah, you wish. See you next week.

Hey.

Whoa, he winked at me.

Right this way. Yeah.

Man, where'd that guy come from, right?

I'm from Winnipeg.

Thanks. So, how long you been in New York?

Winnipeg. In Canada.

Winnipeg. Winnipeg.

Winnipeg.

Clint wants it.

Yeah. All right.

Yeah? Where do you want it?

It.

I want it.

Okay. I think, um... I think I just need a minute.

Give me one second.

He saw Nico kiss a guy, and I was like,

"Why do you care? You two are broken up, right?"

Super shady.

Do you already think we're on strike ten?

No way of proving it.

Thank you, Doctor. Mm-hmm.

Maybe he just needs to bang Nico out of his system.

Yeah. Think they're having sex already?

Oh, no. He's doing a pep talk.

You can do this.

You can have sex with someone other than Nico.

He's doing it all the time. You can do it once.

You... Yeah.

You can do that. You can do it.

- Yo. - Hey, baby boy. You having sex?

No. Why would I answer the phone if I was having sex?

- Because it's me? - No. No, I'm in the bathroom.

I'm trying to motivate.

What's there to motivate? Just get in there and beat it up.

He talks like a caveman.

He's Canadian, Andrew. Just get in there and beat it up.

Why would I beat him up?

Beat it up, you dumb bastard.

His butt.

Maybe he's gonna beat up my butt, huh?

Maybe that's what I prefer.

Let him beat that ass, Drew. Batter up.

Yeah, I'm hanging up now. Hanging up. Bye.

Got it! Ooh!

Yummy!

This is fun. It's like a stakeout.

Uh, hello?

Whoa! Hey.

- Clint likes to tussle. - Oh!

Oh, no. No, no. You just misheard.

The walls are super thin.

That's not... Whoa! Shit!

- Canada going hard! - Yeah, he is.

Yeah, rough. That's what I'm talking about.

Oh, man...

We made love happen.

Damn right, we did.

No... Now we're gonna tussle.

We can relax, right?

I don't think so. Let's tussle.

Oh, my hammy.

I'm sorry. You wanted to tussle.

Around 8:00 in the morning Okay?

Yeah, you can pick me up in the morning, Charlie.

Wait, wait, wait, wait. No, no, no, baby. No, let's just...

No, no, baby. Baby, look.

What's going on? Are they having a threesome?

We should have a threesome! What? No!

Yeah! Look who it is.

Hey. Oh.

No, no, sweetheart.

Okay. That's it.

Andrew can no longer contain himself.

We have to step in. Mm-hmm.

This is DEFCON 1.

It's time.

It's time to release...

The kraken.

No.

The nuclear option. Ah.

Hey.

Is that my phone, babe?

I think the question is,

who the hell is this?

Jake, I think he saw it.

What the hell did you do?

What we should have done five breakups ago.

We staged an intervention.

We know about Nico coming over for sloppy seconds.

Did you spy on me?

We pull up outside of your house at 11:37 p.m.

At 11:39, your pre-coitus lamp turns on.

So, at 11:43 we give you the "beat it up" pep talk.

And then we wait to see what happens. What happened, baby?

Nico shows up.

Your Dementor arriving for his conjugal visit.

Okay. So, what, your whole big plan was just to post a photo of me with a random guy?

- No, no. We went nuclear. - Uh-huh.

Because the hamster wheel of your addiction to Nico has to be destroyed.

We would like you to meet someone. Come.

Without further ado, please say hello to your new boyfriend.

You are now dating across all social media platforms. What?

Jake posted photos of you two together, so it's official.

What? Nico saw these. He's pissed. He's furious.

Perfect! That's the plan, baby. Yeah!

Whoo! No, you don't understand Nico.

No. He's... He's gonna be... He's gonna, um...

Damn. Yeah.

You like that?

Hot. Of course he is.

Cristiano Maradona. That's the name you gave him?

His parents are huge soccer fans.

And I know what you think about Ronaldo's body.

His face is a composite of Kelly, myself,

our old high school gym teacher and a young Antonio Banderas.

Your mom just followed him. Shit's getting real, homey.

Wait, what? No. No, undo all of this.

Shit. You made him a civil rights activist?

That's like catnip to her. I know.

- Mama Lucille! - Jakey!

- What's shaking? - I am so happy.

My brain just exploded.

I know! He's super handsome, right?

I mean, he is a civil rights activist.

Oh, my God. I must be dreaming.

- Mm-hmm. All real. - Ah!

Don't let the door hit you on the way out, Nico. Am I right?

Mm-hmm.

Why didn't Andrew tell me about him?

Hmm. I don't know. But he's right here.

You wanna ask him? I'm not picking up.

- Andrew, I can see you. Stop that. - I'm not... Come on, man.

Stop that. I can see you.

Hey, Mom.

Listen, listen. Is it serious? Have you two discussed parameters?

Are you open? Are you poly? You pan?

Mom! No. I'm hip to all of this.

There's no shame. There's no shame.

I'm still just regular gay.

Oh. Okay. Yeah.

You know I just want you to be happy.

Because I know how hard it is to find a good man.

Yup, yup. Once you find him, you hang on to him, honey.

Mom, this reception is crazy. And I think I gotta go.

But I'll call you back because I love you so much.

Oh, you're a monster.

And you're out your damn mind. Shut it down.

I have to go to work and I have to explain all this to Nico.

Melinda!

Hey. Hey.

Saw the new man on Insta.

That was fast.

A little out of your league, but good for you.

Have you seen Nico? I really don't know how you relate to that guy.

What? I mean, if you're trying to get back at Nico,

that is a swing and a...

That's my impression of a home run. Here he comes.

Hey. So, explain yourself.

Sorry, look. This is... You are such a hypocrite, okay?

You begged me for monogamy, and then you go and embarrass me on social like that?

He isn't even attractive.

That's funny. Because everybody else is saying how drop-dead gorgeous he is.

Have you read the comments?

My phone has been blowing up ever since we went official on social.

He only has 2,300 followers.

And that's just about the amount of followers that you lost this week.

Ah, Nico. Lovely shirt, mate. It's nice.

Yeah. Let's do this. All right?

Yo. Hey. Hey, um, you didn't shut him down, did you?

Hell no.

Good, good.

I'm in. What's next?

Hold me like you mean it.

Uh, should I ask?

Oh! Oh, my God. You've gotta see these. Yo.

What's happening? It worked. It fucking worked.

Nico was so angry. Hmm!

And I finally know what it's like to have a little bit of power.

Okay.

I posted this on the Gram.

Oh, I love it!

Ooh! He must be burning!

Yeah. We're working on the whole back story.

They met in Mykonos a month ago, conveniently during Andrew and Nico's seventh breakup.

Oh, that's good. Wait, we said that we were meeting in Fire Island.

We brought weights to the beach? In Greece?

Cristiano can't afford to take a day off. He's training for Iron man.

What? No. This was indoor. Indoor skydiving on the third date.

Why do something fake when you can do it for real?

- 2,700 likes on that one. - What, 2,700?

What happened to jogging in Central Park? I see bulls.

Ooh, why jog in the park when you can run with the bulls?

Exactly! Baby, you always get me. Oh!

Oh, yes, yes, yes, I support whatever works. We are keeping this.

You got it.

Mmm, I don't know. This is a little far-fetched.

Well, the man has to be larger than life

to deal with Nico's monstrous ego.

You know, this Cristiano thing might really work out.

'Cause I haven't checked Nico's accounts.

I haven't looked for his texts, like, that much today.

I'm feeling like I'm finally getting over him, you know?

Anyway, always good chatting with you, Mr. Jiang.

Enjoy your cooking class.

Hey, Bernie. I'll see you inside.

Welcome to "Cooking For Your Community."

And for those who don't know me, I'm Rafi Ha la bid a,

chef and co-owner of the Aberdeen, the restaurant right below us.

We're available for reservations.

And yes, that was a shameless plug.

- Hi. Welcome. - Thanks.

Today, we are going to make a meze platter,

a group of small dishes, meant to be shared.

Hey, I'm Andrew.

I don't care.

- Excuse me? - You heard me.

Sharing food is one of my favorite things.

You can share a meal with someone from a different country,

someone whose language you don't know, and still communicate.

Because food is a universal language.

When you make someone something delicious to eat,

you're communicating that you care.

You're sharing your love.

Okay. Enough of that. Let's make meze.

- Hey, Jessica. I like your hair. - Hi, Rafi.

Yeah. You look good. Thank you. Thanks.

This is all lovely.

You're Andrew, right? Uh, yeah.

You're Bernie's ride. He talks about you all the time.

Oh, does he? Yeah.

So, he finally convinced you to come to class.

N-No, I ju...

Yeah, he did. Because he knows how bad of a cook I am.

I actually tried to make him some breakfast one time,

and then we ended up at urgent care.

That was you. Yeah...

Well...

Here, let me help you. Thanks.

So you want to take your left hand

and make it a little bit like a claw, like your knuckles.

Okay. And then,

put your hand up a little higher on the knife.

A little higher. There you go.

Okay. And boom. Just like a seesaw.

Save-a the rhinos, the leopards,

the horses, the kittens,

the chickens.

Save-a the animals.

Hey, hey, that's my trailer.

- I've got it. I'll walk him out. - Walk me out?

I told you this whole "shitting where you work" thing was gonna blow up.

Nico got you pulled from the show.

What? He can't do that. Clearly, he can.

No. I'm gonna go talk to him.

Nico. Nico.

Oh! Hey, baby.

No. Don't "hey, baby" me.

Listen, um, I'm sorry you lost your job.

But it was kinda your choice, right?

Anyways, good luck finding another one without me.

And, um, security!

Please escort this unemployed stuntman off my set. Bye!

No. Don't touch me. Please. I'm good. Hey. Hey.

I know this isn't the best time.

But Rhonda is obsessed with Cristiano.

What? No, not the best time, Emily.

She even donated to his "Save the Rhino" campaign.

And now she's got it in her head that she wants a baby,

because she thinks that he would be the perfect donor.

She's willing to get it in there, au naturel.

Talking about in her vagina. It's cheaper. Right. Got it.

We just bought a house. Anyways, just putting it out there.

Something to noodle on. Yeah.

It's gonna be okay.

I'll call you. Just think about it.

Thanks. Thank you. Thanks.

I was a year away from getting my shot at being lead stunt coordinator.

Now I'm back at square one. I'm actually worse.

You getting fired is a blessing in disguise.

At Hampton's Bay, you were always going to be under Nico's thumb.

This is an opportunity for you.

I'm single and I'm unemployed. Where's that opportunity, Jake?

Let Cristiano help. He has a plan.

You do know that Cristiano is not real, right?

He's not actually out there saving albino rhinos.

He's absolutely saving the rhinos.

He's raised enough money to open a rhino conservatory.

So, you tell me, Drew, what is "real"?

If enough people believe in him, then he becomes real.

Give Cristiano 48 hours. He'll fix this.

Do you love stunts? I know that I do.

Check out my man @andrewthatstuntguy. He's the best stuntman ever.

Peyton, hey, thanks for letting me pick up some extra hours.

No worries. There's a situation in the bathroom.

For you. Thank you.

Off you go.

You couldn't do it? Absolutely not. Not my job.

Ooh, Andrew. Yeah?

Those aren't your good shoes, are they?

Yeah. Yeah, they are. Of course.

You're walking into the eye of the storm, bud. So, Godspeed, take care.

- Ooh! - Yeah, it's, uh... it's a scent.

It wafts. Wow.

Oh! That's not how you use that. Nope, absolutely not. Get down.

I was with Raphael that night.

How could I possibly be in Amagansett and Sagaponack at the same time?

I'm an award-winning director.

I'm an award-winning director. I'm an award-winning director.

Helena, Helena, Helena.

Uh, cut. Cut!

What the hell? You were good. I was great.

Hello?

Oh, come to beg me for your job back?

Actually, he's my guest, Nico.

Andrew, let's chat. Shall we?

Uh, excuse me. We're in the middle of a scene?

Take it easy, muscles. We shan't be but a moment.

It's awesome to officially meet with you, I must say.

I imagine it would be. Right?

Tell me about yourself, kid.

Ooh, uh, I'm... Fantastic, fantastic.

Listen, I'm prepping this film, all right?

It's gonna be way bigger and way better than this trash heap.

All right?

It's called Kung Blue.

Lots of kung-fu fighting and stuff. Yeah, yeah.

And get this.

It takes place on a planet where everyone is blue.

Blue? Yeah.

That's kick-ass! Yeah.

Yeah, it is kick-ass. All right.

And I want you to be my fight choreographer and stunt lead.

That's incredible. Sign me up, please.

Cristiano sent me your stunt reel.

And let me tell you...

it was poetry.

Thank you. Thank you, I...

I can't believe he sent you my reel. Shh!

Now, listen. All right?

I need you to do something for me.

I need your boyfriend's autograph.

My kid's a massive fan.

Make it out to Emilia, all right?

Lovely chat. Yes, yes.

All right, who are we waiting on? Oh, Nico.

Nico, Nico, Nico, Nico.

Someone's happy. So I guess you're not mad at me anymore?

Mm-mmm. How could I be mad when I just got my dream job?

You guys came through for me. I'm gonna take you to dinner.

And I know the perfect place.

You've been secretly taking cooking classes?

I went to one. And he's dreamy?

Very. Yeah. Okay.

And you don't know if he's gay or, uh, like, anything, right?

So this is a reconnaissance mission? Correct.

Wait, no.

No. This is just to get your opinions, nothing else.

Mmm. Copy.

Um, but he does know that you have a boyfriend, right?

No. Because I don't have a boyfriend.

Uh... Yes. You do.

No, I don't. But you do.

No, I don't. We're done.

Yes, you do!

Well... Can we drop this? I do not.

After you. Oh, thank you.

You do. You do. I don't.

Hello. We have a reservation for three.

Uh-huh. And what name is on the reservation?

Ew! It's my dirty, creepy stalker.

Hasn't your episode of Dateline aired yet?

Can you just please show us to our table?

Why? So you can freak out on me? I don't think so.

Seat us now.

- Hmph! - I love it when you dominate people.

Mmm! You want me to dominate you?

- Ugh. - We are in public.

Okay.

Okay. Do a button.

Mmm. I do mine.

Button? Okay. No, you're good. You got it.

There we go. Want one, baby?

What's happening? No, I'm good.

Oh, well, we are conducting a scientific experiment

to find out Rafi's sexual preference.

We're looking for physiological signs of attraction.

So, you know, like, do his pupils dilate?

Does he mirror body language or try to enhance his appearance?

- Does he pop a bone? - It's science.

I'm begging you. Please don't embarrass me.

Well, this is a nice surprise.

Hey.

Hi. Hey.

Hi, there. It's nice to meet you.

Yeah, you too. Oh. I'm Rafi.

Come in here, big guy. Okay, all right. Oh.

Oh. Okay, okay.

- Sorry, I got lost. - That's okay. That's okay. Good to meet you, man.

- Better to meet you. - Yeah, I like your shirt.

Hi. How are you?

Oh. One more.

- Bonjour. Je m'appelle Kelly. - Je suis Rafi.

- -Tu parles français? - No.

Okay.

- Oh, my earring! - Uh-oh.

- Oh, I should get that. - Want me to...

Okay. Okay, yup.

Here's that one. There... Yeah.

It's good to see you, Andrew.

Hi. Um...

We thought that we would come by and try your food for real.

Oh, nice. Yeah.

So you're testing me, huh? Maybe.

Well, then, I better get cracking.

I'll send Leo to get your drink order.

- No! - No, don't. You don't...

Oh, please. No.

Well, confirming he is dreamy.

But let's get back to the experiment and the data.

Jake. When Jake hugged Rafi, he almost seemed to have an adverse reaction.

You know, basically the opposite of attraction.

Told you. He's straight.

- That just means he's not attracted to you. - I'm getting a one on my gaydar.

- It's registering a nine on mine. - Your gaydar sucks.

- I disagree. - Who told you you were gay in fifth grade

when you were still dating Lauren Gladberg.

He wouldn't touch her boobies. Big honkers.

Also, he gave you a dap, which is the most hetero of man hugs.

Let's focus. What about me? Did he respond?

Jake, you didn't take any notes! Baby, I'm sorry.

I got a notification that Cristiano just hit 1.6 million followers.

Wait, what? How is that even possible?

Yeah, that's crazy. Dude's a rock star.

Okay, well, experiment. Andrew, what about you?

I got nothing. My hands were sweaty. My heartbeat was rapid.

It's just... Nothing.

Are you telling me that I got out the deep cleave for nothing?

- No, no, no. - No, no. Not for nothing, baby.

- Deep cleave. - Everyone's rooting for it.

Let me guess. You're getting drunk.

Not a bad idea.

Champagne, weirdo. Your finest.

- What? No. - No.

- Feels right. - Ugh.

What are you doing? Don't worry. Cristiano's paying for it.

He's just signed a deal with Absolut Vodka.

They're huge supporters - of the LGBTQIA2 - S+ communities.

- Here is our finest bottle. - Wow. Oh.

Can I say something? My eyes are up here.

Ew.

Unbelievable.

I don't trust him.

- Okay. - Oh. That is very...

It's okay. It's okay. I do this all the time.

- No, I don't think you do. - Oh, oh!

Oh, no! Okay. It's really in there.

I can... Just... Oh.

I got it. Okay?

You know what? Fine.

I'm sure you're dying to demonstrate your toxic masculinity anyway.

I'm... I'm so sorry. Owie! Ow! Ow!

I barely touched that. Oh, bullshit! You did that on purpose.

- Ow! - Are you okay?

This predator tried to blind me

because I don't want to go out with him.

Hey, what's going on? What happened? Leo got hit with a cork.

Leo was assaulted with a projectile, actually.

Okay. Hey, Leo. Why don't you take off early?

Yeah? Okay. Go home. Relax. Put some ice on that.

- I might need to take the rest of the week off too. - All right, buddy.

You take care. Okay?

Something tells me I owe you dinner.

Oh, no. No.

Oh, no. If you insist.

I'll start you with some appetizers.

Get out of here. You're a stuntman?

- I'm trying. - He just booked a huge gig.

He also teaches self-defense. You should check out one of his classes.

I will. Has Rafi fed you well enough?

Yes, delicious. Yeah. Stuffed.

Mm-hmm. He is a culinary magician.

- Oh, I don't know. I wouldn't go that far. - It's okay. I got you.

I'm sure Mr. Jiang has told you all about Andrew's new boyfriend.

He's a philanthropist...

...and renowned human rights activist.

Wow. That's super impressive.

Yes. Yes, but it's really nothing compared to all this.

I mean, this is amazing that you have a restaurant in New York at your age.

- Like, come on. - Yeah, thanks.

Uh, it can be tough.

- You know, New York and a restaurant. - Yeah, I bet.

The thing about Andrew's boyfriend is that even with his globe-trotting schedule,

he still finds time to make sweet love to little Andrew for hours on end.

Uh, wow.

Okay, I should start closing up. Um, you guys hang out as long as you want.

- Thanks. - Thank you again.

Thanks, guys. Good night. Thanks for coming.

Good night.

Good night.

Dude, why are you so angry? The man is clearly straight.

You don't know that.

Open your eyes. He was gonna find out anyway.

That I have a fake boyfriend?

That you have a boyfriend real enough to land you your dream job.

Because he got me fired from the one I had.

- I should never have gone along with all this shit. - You guys...

You always think you're saving me, but you just make my life worse.

Stop it!

We'll live, bruh. Uh...

I hear our mother crying.

Do you? Help our mother. Save a deer.

Babe, just come to bed. You'll feel better tomorrow.

All I wanted to do was help.

I know.

I think I have to delete Cristiano.

It might be time.

I'm sorry, I...

I know you put a lot of work into this.

But you know that everything he can do, you can do too.

It's Nico.

Well, aren't you going to open it? No.

Okay, then fine, I will.

"Apologies in advance.

Your boyfriend's about to cheat on you with me.

Oops."

He's probably on his way over to Drew's right now. Come on!

Nah, I'm not going.

He thinks I'm messing up his life.

Okay.

He's wrong. You're great.

Let's go save Drew.

Come on. Up and at 'em.

- Hey! - Ah, so thirsty.

Ah! Screw you. Did Andrew change his entry code or what?

Hmm. Did he? Oh, I don't know.

Listen, frat boy. You don't know who you're messing with.

Mmm. Have a terrible night!

You better watch your back.

Ooh! Scary penis trap.

I'm so scared! I'm not a penis trap, okay?

You're penis traps. You're penis... I'm not...

Such a loser! So stupid!

Loser!

Good one. Yeah.

Wash. Tone.

Drink. Love.

Your biggest organ.

Congratulations on your big movie!

Thanks, Mom. Mm-hmm.

What are you doing here?

Oh, there was an HRC members meeting.

What's with the shirt?

- You like? - No.

I got it on Etsy. They're talking about him for 2028.

Ooh! You could be First Husband.

Wouldn't that be fantastic? I could visit you at the White House.

Mom, um... Huh?

The whole thing about Cristiano...

I know. I get too excited.

Okay, let me just take a breath.

Ooh! Slow my roll.

He... I'm just so happy

that you found a partner who deserves you.

Speaking of which, why are you fighting with Jake?

- Oh, that's why you're here. - No! Well, may... Not 100%.

Look, why are you fighting with Jakey?

We're not fighting. He's just way too deep in my life.

Boy needs to chill.

Listen to me. Jake is your best friend.

No matter what happens with all these other loves in your life,

he is always gonna be there.

You need to fix it.

I will.

Okay.

Wait. Are you cooking now?

I'm trying. Um...

I'm actually taking his cooking class.

You're cooking with your man?

Yeah. I guess I am.

Oh. Whoa.

- Is it good? - It's edible.

I wouldn't stop going to classes just yet.

But, oh, my baby's cooking!

Oh!

Look at you! I'm so proud...

I'm gonna fix it.

What? Yeah.

All right, squad, how we doing? Looking good.

Yo. Hey, Liz. Uh...

- Hi. - Hey.

- What are you doing here? - Kelly invited me, remember?

You've done my class. Now it's my turn to do yours.

Yeah, welcome. We should get started.

So, partners in protection.

I want to go through a kind of drill, basic defense drill,

that you might encounter on a common night out.

All right? So let me grab a volunteer.

Anyone else?

Rafi. Yeah.

Yes, well...

come on in.

So, you're out at a bar, you're having a good time with your friends,

and maybe some drinks, but maybe someone else has had way too much to drink.

They pull you in like this. What are you gonna do?

You want to take control. Okay.

Uh, you're gonna grab this left wrist.

And then you're gonna slide your arm across my neck.

This arm. Yeah. Like...

Like that? Uh, yeah.

- Hey, guys. - Oh, sorry.

I need to steal Andrew. I need you to hop in and spar.

Oh, okay. Yeah. Spar with who?

He has a title fight coming up.

Not the Aussie.

You reading my mind, bud? Yeah, it's the Aussie.

Actually, we were just getting started, so I should probably stay with the class.

I'm for sure as hell not gonna jump in there. No, no, no. No, no.

I'm too little. Look at me. Fragile, even.

Uh, he'll snap me in two, for sure.

- It's gotta be all you. - Gotta be me.

I will take over. Yeah. That's a nice shirt.

Yeah, thanks.

But I got you. We're all good?

Everybody's good here. Okay.

Who's the Aussie? Oh, you don't want to know. He's huge.

Mate! Aww!

I really appreciate you doing this.

I need to get the training in before my big fight.

I'm happy to help you.

All right, let's fight.

Things all good with that new bloke you've been hanging out with? Carleto?

Cristiano? Hmm, it's good.

Right. He seems a mate. You deserve a good guy.

Thank you. That's very sweet.

- Whoa! Whoa! - Maybe after this,

we can celebrate your new boyfriend and grab a pint, yeah?

Whoa! Maybe.

Oh, shit. Okay.

You all right?

Get back here, little buddy. No, no...

You almost had him a few times in there.

Yeah, yeah, my fetal position is real strong.

I'm very glad that you got to watch all that.

- How was class with Peyton? - Oh, it was good.

Yeah? Yeah, they were really nice. Very hands on.

Even invited me out for a drink.

Oh. Really?

Are you, um... Are you interested in them?

I just thought I might have something I might need to do

or someplace I might need to go.

Right. Right.

Because you wouldn't want to have to be somewhere

when you need to be someplace else.

Hey, um, I'll catch you later, buddy.

Yeah. Okay, buddy.

Great class. Yeah.

It was good. Okay.

Okay.

What's wrong with me?

You, um, want to get in the shower with me?

Mm-hmm. I do.

Um... Yeah. Hmm?

I really want to, but, babe,

I'm currently figuring out how to deep fake a TikTok

and I'm on eight tutorials, and I wanna make sure that...

Jake, um, do you think that this might be getting out of hand?

Nico just messaged Cristiano.

Hmm. Yeah. What a bastard.

Bastard.

All right, pendejo. You wanna dance? Bailamos.

"You don't love him

like I do."

I don't love him like you do?

Whatever, bitch. I own that man.

Do you want me to text that back for you?

Jesus Christ, Troy. Stay out of my business.

All right.

Troy, Troy, you get that butt back here right now.

Troy, pick this up. Troy, that's a rental!

Are you excited Cristiano's back?

I saw he posted from Times Square.

He's having some kind of Twitter war with this soap opera guy.

Nico?

Yeah, I think that's his name.

Yeah, it's pretty cutthroat.

Like, I wanted to look away, but...

Sometimes I forget that our lives are out there for everyone to see.

Not that you were doing that.

I'm being weird. Okay. I'm sorry.

I'm not a social media guy, to be honest.

Ah, don't apologize. I get it.

I only have profiles for the restaurant.

You don't really post that much of your personal stuff online.

Yeah. Okay. I see what I did there.

Hey, listen, um, I was wondering if you and Cristiano

would like to come by the restaurant for an eight-course tasting.

No. I mean, why?

Eight courses, that's... that's a lot.

- I just wanna thank you both. - Thank us for what?

Cristiano posted about the Aberdeen,

and now we're booked solid for months.

- Wow. - I can't thank him, or you, enough.

For the first time, I feel like the restaurant might be a hit.

It's kind of overwhelming, huh?

I think about all the things I thought I wanted

and now I want.

I want you.

To come to dinner... with us.

You want me to have dinner with you and your boyfriend?

Yeah. Absolutely.

So let me get this straight. He's coming here right now?

I tried to get out of it. I texted him that Cristiano was sick.

Then he was like, "I'll bring over some homemade soup."

And then I was like, "Okay, that sounds lovely!"

Oh, wow! He sounds really great. I like him.

Right? You can't blame me for falling for a potentially straight guy.

Um, I can. Last time, disaster.

Terence Mullen. Eighth-grade sleep away camp.

Drew popped a boner in arts and crafts

and had to jump in the lake. Oh, poor baby.

Well, Jake popped one over Myrna the lunch lady.

Aw, that just makes me love you more.

No! Guys, he's gonna be here any minute. What do we do?

He's here. What do we do?

- Maybe just tell him the truth. - What, and look like an absolute psychopath? No!

No, I got it. I got it. Come with me. Oh.

Jake to the rescue. You go get the door. Mm-hmm.

- Hey. - Hey.

You're here.

What do I do? Okay, we're gonna throw a bunch of stuff

inside the toilet... Just wet stuff, big stuff.

Wet stuff. Make it sound like... Big, small...

Big, small, wet, juicy.

Uh, I brought you the soup.

Thank you. Thanks. That's very sweet.

Thank you. Yeah.

Um... please, come in.

Thank you. Come on in.

How's he feeling?

Owie!

Uh, babe, you okay?

Ah, it's coming out of both ends!

Do not listen!

Well, Rafi brought you some chicken noodle soup.

Grazie.

Hey, Cristiano. Uh, I'm so sorry you aren't feeling well.

Oh, no, it's okay. I mean, it's so terrible in here.

Um, I... It's so moist. I do not remember eating this!

Okay. There it is.

Wow!

It's right...

Does he need help in there? No. No, he doesn't.

Ah, it's so painful. It's like spaghetti.

Oh, my God! Babe!

Baby, are you okay?

Uh, Rafi wants to know if we should come in there and help you.

Is that a good idea?

No! No, do not open the door.

I do not want you to see or smell me like this.

You two go and have fun.

Maybe I can get some sleep without you poking me with your little penis.

Owie, owie.

It's decently sized.

That's just a stupid, stupid joke that we play.

Okay, baby. We're gonna go out now.

Ow, ow, ow.

Nice to finally meet you, Cristiano.

Yes. Ciao.

Good job.

Hey, did he mean it when he said go out?

Yes. Yes, he is a man of his word.

He would want me to go.

He doesn't want me to see him sick.

Okay, well, I have an idea.

This side?

Uh, I'll go around. Okay.

Hey. How you doing?

Okay, so what's in Queens?

It is a surprise.

It ain't running with the bulls, but it'll do.

This is taking me all the way back.

I have not been skating since I was a kid.

I pretty much grew up here.

When I was a kid, I'd tell my parents I was going to the library to study,

and I'd come here instead.

It's where I found my tribe.

Right. Yeah.

Oh! Here comes trouble.

Hey, baby.

Hey, baby.

Hey, Tasha. Nice to see you again.

You too. Before you get any ideas, he's taken.

By a very impressive man, so hands off.

I need you to start introducing me to guys who are hands on.

Okay, next time.

You two aren't together?

- No, we're not. - She's my best friend.

And business partner. Yeah, she's the other half of the Aberdeen.

I got you. I got you. Yeah.

Let's get out there. Come on. Yes.

See you out there. Yes.

Okay. Here, I got you.

[The Disco"]

Ready? Right, left. Right, left.

Yeah, you got it.

Okay, swerve. On the beat.

Whoa! Whoa!

Sorry, sorry! Shit!

Not yet. Was that one of your stunts?

Oh, funny.

Yes. Yes, it was.

Very smooth. Very smooth. Carry on.

Thanks. So, I'm wondering,

here you are, this badass stuntman.

But you said Jake saved your life?

That was Halloween, okay? We were Batman and Robin. I was Batman.

We were crossing the street. This car came at like three miles per hour.

And he pushed me out of the way.

Cute.

He's always had my back.

Even through all the breakups.

Have there been a lot of them?

Uh, just one, over and over...

Yeah, I can relate.

Thanks.

Ladies and gentlemen, if you can please take your seats,

our keynote speaker will start momentarily.

Babe? What are you doing?

Go to bed.

No time. Cristiano's got a conference in Singapore.

Welcome to the stage, Mr. Cristiano Maradona. Oh, okay.

Please, please.

Please, no clapping. I'm only a man.

Thank you so much for joining us here today.

What if I told you tickling

can not only just be fun, but it can be...

...beneficial for your long-term health?

Tickling, particularly in my own experience...

Unbelievable. ...has proven to help my partner and I...

Nice cheap suit, penis trap. ...connect on a deeper, more emotional,

even spiritual level.

Hey, you guys heading out?

- Yeah, yeah. - Yeah.

And it was cool to get to hang out with you.

Yeah, you too. Hey, Andrew.

You seem like a really cool guy

and Rafi seems like he's having a lot of fun with you.

But be careful with him.

He hasn't had a lot of good luck with guys.

And his last boyfriend was...

You have a man, right? So maybe don't mess around.

- I'm... I... - I'll see you soon!

Yeah. Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

You ready? Let's go.

Let me see...

Oh, come on. Can we mute this?

Come on!

Did you have a nice time?

No, it was terrible. Oh, shut up.

Yeah, I did. I had a great time.

It was magic.

Um...

You mentioned, um...

I was talking earlier about breakups,

and you said that you could relate.

I kept going back to my ex. He was pretty terrible to me.

Now I can relate. That's... Yeah.

Basically, I hung in there until I walked in on him hooking up with another guy.

I love New York.

But it is hard to find a guy who's not gonna lie,

who just wants to be honest and committed and,

shit, I don't know,

just wants to be in love.

It should be simple, right?

Why am I telling you all this?

You hit the jackpot.

Be an Absolut activist.

You're really lucky. You got one of the good ones.

Yeah.

Yeah. Super lucky.

Hello?

Oh! Shit.

Hello, gorgeous.

Nico, what are you doing here?

Isn't this what you always wanted?

Me, waiting for you, in your bed,

surrounded by all your weird kung-fu posters.

Get out.

It's over. It's been over.

Why?

Because of your new boyfriend?

I mean, he never seems to be around.

That must keep you warm at night.

Actually, it has nothing to do with him.

Don't be so mean to me, baby.

Okay?

You know you don't know how to quit me.

Get out.

You know what, Andrew?

I don't lose.

Yeah? Well, you lost me.

Yes!

Yes!

No. No, unfortunately, Cristiano can't make the photo shoot.

No, he's in Bhutan. But we can send photos.

Okay. Yeah, that works.

All right. Well, fantastic. Yes, we accept yen.

Okay.

What's up, baby? We can get rid of Cristiano.

I don't need him anymore. And thank you so much for making him. It worked.

You're my best friend and I love you.

But we're good. I am officially done with Nico forever.

I am free and I am ready to tell Rafi how I feel.

Okay, we love to hear that. But we can't delete Cristiano just yet.

Not until at least Q4.

- I just signed a major sponsorship for him. It's crazy. - What?

What the hell is Q4? What the... What?

What's with this suit? Are you...

Oh. Oh, my God. You're literally turning into him.

Well, I have the integrity to wear whatever product Cristiano endorses.

Speaking of which, I tweeted that Cristiano loved the Surface tablet.

And bang. Look at that.

It's here. Can you believe that? Here, it's yours.

Oh, hey, Drew. What's going on?

Drew wants to put down Cristiano.

Yes! Thank you. What a great idea. Awesome.

Traitors. Think about all that he's done for us.

You with your job, and Kelly, don't tell me you don't like the money and the perks.

I don't want the money or the perks. I just want our life back.

Are you sure you just don't want loser Jake back?

What? What are you talking about?

I love you.

This... This thing is only driving us apart.

You made Cristiano to help Andrew, and you did.

There's no reason to keep him anymore.

I... I can't just delete him.

He's part of me. I...

Oh, my God. Jake, he's not real.

He's real to me, Kelly.

And millions of other people.

Drew, you have Rafi.

Kelly, you have medicine. What do I have? I have nothing.

Cristiano was the best thing that's ever happened to me.

Okay. What do you...

Kelly, what are you gonna do? Kelly!

There's something not right here.

Kelly!

Scary penis trap!

You're penis traps. You're penis...

It's done. Oh, you're done.

No.

No.

Kung Blue, scene 43, take 1.

Everybody to one!

Psst!

Psst!

I'm so sorry.

Action.

Damn it. Shit. Cut, cut, cut.

- Hey! - Can we get this man some water, please?

Cristiano would want you to be strong and keep pushing forward. Oh!

I-I'm fine. I just have something in my eye. That's...

Hey, hey. I can't imagine how you're coping with this massive loss.

I mean, we've all suffered a massive loss today.

No, I... None more so than you.

There's no shame in emotion, lad.

But there's no room for emotion on a film set.

When your heart is healed,

perhaps then you can work on the sequel,

Kung Bluer.

Maybe then, that's when we'll reunite.

But for now, it's you time.

No. No. Not me time. I'm good. Yeah. Yeah.

Come on, son. All right? It's you time.

Say it with me. "You time."

You time. Sitting on the couch, eating Jammie Dodgers.

Call Jake. Calling Jake.

Are you No'vi from Pandora? No.

Not No'vi. Na'vi.

No, No'vi. I'm gonna look it up.

I'm not the woman from Avatar, you moron.

Technically, she's not a woman, speaking from mythical accuracy.

Stop with the Avatar shit, bro. I just got fired from my dream job.

I finally booked a real movie,

and then they sent me home so that I could grieve.

Cristiano giveth, Cristiano taketh away.

Are you in my room?

Kelly and I need space.

What? No. Jake, no. You guys can't do that.

It's over. I don't know how I'm gonna make it through the funeral.

- There's a funeral, Jake? - BuzzFeed's gonna host it.

We both have to wear white, by the way.

So let's try not to be too matchy-matchy.

Oh, God.

There we go.

Thank you.

Okay, right there. Perfect. Right here, honey.

We have mugs, onesies and tees.

How are there so many people?

Cristiano had close to three million Insta followers.

Plus, the little Maradonites, his Twitter army,

and all the followers of his medical blog.

- Medical blog? - Kelly's contribution.

Before she turned on me.

Not that you would know. You never really followed or appreciated him.

You talking about him or you talking about you?

You never thanked either of us.

Thank you, Jake. Thank you for creating my fake boyfriend

so that we could fake murder him and then we could have

this ridiculous, all-white fake funeral.

First, I find your sincerity a little lacking.

Second, Kelly killed him, with your help.

Third, do not use the word "murder."

I've had to fight hard to squash those rumors.

Mechanical difficulties brought the plane down.

So i-if anyone asks,

just mumble something about Inner Mongolia, old planes and start crying.

I'll handle the rest.

Andrew.

Jake told me not to call, but I wanted to be here.

How are you holding up? I'm fine. I'm...

Yeah, um, thank you for... Thanks for coming. Of course.

All right. You've had enough time.

Keep it moving. Big line, guys.

Look, anything you need, you just let me know, okay? Yeah.

You guys too, on that side.

Did you... No. Did you guys touch him?

He's completely dirty.

I said no touching.

Did you put up the sign?

Hey, it's Kelly. Leave me a message.

It's okay to cry, baby. Go on.

That's it. Let it out.

Before we get started, I'd like to thank our sponsor,

Absolut Vodka.

Why is Absolut Vodka sponsoring this?

- How else were we gonna pay for all this? - Shh! Quiet.

So what can be said about Cristiano Maradona?

It's safe to say he was loved.

Sadly, I never knew him.

But our friend Jake has given me a rather extensive personal history

that he'd like me to share with you.

Cristiano Maradona was born in a small fishing village on the isle of Sardinia.

He was a wee baby... Three pounds, three ounces.

Thank you. The medical profession,

his mother, his father

never believed he'd survive.

He was a miracle...

But that wasn't the last time that the pope recruited him

for a sacred and dangerous mission.

Make it stop.

Yeah.

Thank you, sweet Jesus.

Now I'd like to open up the floor.

Would anyone like to share a memory of Cristiano? No!

No, Mom. No...

It's okay. It's okay.

Mom.

Hi, I'm Lucille. I'm Andrew's mother.

Andrew's coming out wasn't always smooth for me.

It's not that I loved him any less.

It's... Well, it's just that I feared that

his happiness would be harder to come by.

But in the short time Andrew and Cristiano were together,

I witnessed my son happier than he's ever been.

I know that most of you know Cristiano for his activism,

but there was another side to him that Andrew actually shared with me.

He actually taught cooking classes

for seniors and teens...

...and other people in the community.

And that's where Andrew and Cristiano met.

Before these classes,

my son couldn't cook an egg if you cracked it for him.

I think that Cristiano taught Andrew that

food is a way of expressing love.

And since those classes, I have witnessed my son

grow in beautiful ways.

So, Cristiano, thank you for loving my baby,

and for making him into an even better man.

You are an absolute angel.

Would you like to say something?

Oh, no. Sorry, Father. I just need to go.

Why? Things are just about to get interesting.

Ladies and gentlemen,

you have all... been lied to.

I'm sorry. Are you a friend of the deceased?

Oh, the deceased? Oh, Father.

You can't be deceased

if you were never alive in the first place!

Don't worry. I thought of everything.

There's a reason it's a closed casket!

What the... No!

Okay. No, no, no. Jake and Andrew

wanted this to look like a real funeral...

Have some respect for the dead! Back off, you bleached asshole.

Yes!

- Jesus. - I told you! Cristiano is fake!

Oh, my God...

Oh, my God.

These... These are lies!

Rafi, I'm sorry, please. I can explain. Wait. I can explain.

I don't know what this is, but I need to remove myself from this situation.

This is a lie!

Also, there's a fire.

Fire!

Fire!

These... These are lies. Lies!

Melinda! This is the best bloody funeral I've ever been to.

Thank you, Andrew.

I just got 400,000 new followers.

Who's winning now?

Fire's out. You're all safe. For now.

But when you die, I'm pretty sure you'll both burn in hell.

Take care now. Jesus loves you.

All out. Oh.

Have a good class.

She just needs a minute. May... Maybe she needs a couple minutes.

You know we weren't supposed to meet, right? What are you talking about?

Have I not told you this story? It was an accident.

She actually meant to swipe left on me,

but she was out with her girlfriends, karaoke,

had a lot of spritzers, accidentally swiped right,

and then dropped her phone in the toilet. Yeah.

So, I met the love of my life because of a mistake.

Mr. Jiang. Hey.

I really need your help.

I screwed up. You know that.

But I've gotta help my friends.

I've gotta show Rafi the real me.

And I don't know if he's gonna forgive me.

I don't know if I can fix Jake and Kelly,

but I at least gotta try.

That's the most sensible thing you've ever said.

Mr. Jiang, you're talking to me.

Well, you finally stopped going on with your ex-boyfriend

and the fake one you and your idiot friend made up.

- That's a little harsh. - I like you, though. You're a nice kid.

Although, you're a little bit dense up here.

That's still harsh, but I'll... I'll take that.

There's a saying in Chinese.

What does that mean?

Don't fuck with love.

You see, love is the best thing in life.

And you have to stay open to it for it to find you,

and if it does, you do everything in your power

to hold onto it for as long as you can.

So what's the plan?

["Work It"]

I am so proud of you both for fighting.

Come here.

Mmm! Go get 'em back.

Kelly, what are you doing here?

Mr. Jiang said he wasn't feeling well and asked me to check in on him.

That's weird. He asked me to take him grocery shopping.

Ah! There you are. Welcome.

Thank you for joining us this evening.

Come on.

Hmm.

Jake and Andrew would like to talk to you.

Hey, come on. Come on. You too.

Hi.

Hi.

So, I... I made this meal

to show you how I feel about you.

And you can stay or go,

but I hope you can eat first,

and I can maybe talk.

Kelly, I suck.

You were right. I got in way too deep.

I love you, and I should have been more honest

about what was going on inside me, so...

Also, you're here now, so might as well eat.

Is there wine? Wine helps me listen.

Yes, we have it.

Kelly really needs this.

That'll do.

["Favorite Song"]

Wow, you guys made all of this.

I'm impressed. And you made me baklava?

I tried. I tried to make you baklava.

Do you like it?

I love it.

Can I have this dance?

I'm sorry too.

I just... I want you to believe in yourself as much as I do.

I love you.

Thank you.

Thank you.

So, what did you want to tell me?

I wanted to apologize for lying to you.

This whole fake boyfriend thing, you know, it started

because I thought I knew what love was.

But I was wrong.

And that had me stay with a man

that I just should have never been with.

And then, as silly as it is, Cristiano helped me...

He helped me stay away from that.

Helped me at my job. Helped me with confidence.

And then I met you.

And that showed me what real love could look like.

Rafi, I don't know...

I don't know what you want to do with this. I don't know how you feel about me, but...

If I'm honest...

I'd have to admit that I hated that you had a boyfriend.

I think I'm the only one who was happy he wasn't real.

It maybe sounds like you wanna be my real boyfriend.

I think a man who would do this for me and his friends

is a man I'd love to be my real boyfriend.

Finally.

Oh, I love!

Yeah, baby, you're good. And tango and switch.