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1
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- Bo.
- What?
2
00:00:02,962 --> 00:00:04,922
- I bet you can't do this.
3
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- ♪ Old MacDonald had a farm ♪
4
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♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
5
00:00:11,219 --> 00:00:15,891
♪ And on his farm,
he had a pig ♪
6
00:00:15,975 --> 00:00:18,978
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
7
00:00:19,060 --> 00:00:20,938
♪ With a [pig snort] here ♪
8
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♪ And a [pig snort] there ♪
9
00:00:23,315 --> 00:00:27,987
♪ And Old MacDonald
had a farm ♪
10
00:00:28,069 --> 00:00:31,657
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
11
00:00:31,740 --> 00:00:34,660
[cheers and applause]
12
00:00:38,163 --> 00:00:41,416
- This is Bo Burnham.
13
00:00:41,500 --> 00:00:44,503
He's 22 years old.
14
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He's a male.
15
00:00:46,964 --> 00:00:48,966
And he looks like
the genetic product
16
00:00:49,048 --> 00:00:53,846
of a giraffe having sex
with Ellen DeGeneres.
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00:00:53,929 --> 00:00:58,684
He has a gigantic head
and tiny nipples.
18
00:00:58,767 --> 00:01:02,145
He's isolated himself
over the last five years
19
00:01:02,229 --> 00:01:04,398
in pursuit of comedy
20
00:01:04,481 --> 00:01:08,819
and, in doing so,
has lost touch with reality.
21
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You're an asshole, Bo.
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You hear me?
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00:01:17,870 --> 00:01:20,831
You think you know better
than me.
24
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You think you know better
than everybody.
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You will die alone.
26
00:01:27,588 --> 00:01:30,465
And you will deserve it.
27
00:01:30,549 --> 00:01:32,467
But in the meantime,
you might as well
28
00:01:32,551 --> 00:01:36,638
tell those silly jokes of yours.
29
00:01:36,722 --> 00:01:39,433
See if that helps.
30
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[hip-hop music]
31
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[cheers and applause]
32
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♪ ♪
33
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- ♪ You used to do comedy ♪
34
00:01:54,073 --> 00:01:57,034
♪ When you felt
like being funny ♪
35
00:01:57,117 --> 00:01:59,954
♪ But now you're contractually
obligated ♪
36
00:02:00,037 --> 00:02:04,666
♪ So dance,
you fucking monkey ♪
37
00:02:04,750 --> 00:02:06,085
♪ Dance, monkey, dance ♪
38
00:02:06,167 --> 00:02:07,669
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
39
00:02:07,753 --> 00:02:09,463
♪ This is Bo,
this is his show ♪
40
00:02:09,546 --> 00:02:12,257
♪ And Bo wants
to dance like this ♪
41
00:02:12,340 --> 00:02:13,717
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
42
00:02:13,801 --> 00:02:15,302
♪ This is Bo,
this is his show ♪
43
00:02:15,385 --> 00:02:18,263
♪ And Bo takes off his pants
like this ♪
44
00:02:18,346 --> 00:02:20,975
♪ Play an invisible drum ♪
45
00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:24,352
♪ Play an invisible trumpet,
trumpet sound ♪
46
00:02:24,436 --> 00:02:26,772
♪ Drink some invisible water ♪
47
00:02:26,855 --> 00:02:30,191
♪ Oh, shit,
that water's real ♪
48
00:02:30,275 --> 00:02:33,487
♪ Bo wants to make
you feel comfortable ♪
49
00:02:33,570 --> 00:02:35,114
♪ Bo wants to make
you feel comfortable ♪
50
00:02:35,196 --> 00:02:36,698
♪ Random voice ♪
51
00:02:36,782 --> 00:02:38,993
♪ Bo wants to make
you feel comfortable ♪
52
00:02:39,076 --> 00:02:40,494
♪ So sit back, relax ♪
53
00:02:40,577 --> 00:02:42,245
♪ And enjoy a healthy dose ♪
54
00:02:42,329 --> 00:02:43,956
♪ Of prolonged eye contact ♪
55
00:02:44,039 --> 00:02:45,290
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
56
00:02:45,373 --> 00:02:47,084
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
57
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,335
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
58
00:02:48,418 --> 00:02:50,169
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
59
00:02:50,253 --> 00:02:51,630
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
60
00:02:51,713 --> 00:02:53,090
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
61
00:02:53,172 --> 00:02:54,341
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
62
00:02:54,424 --> 00:02:55,926
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
63
00:02:56,010 --> 00:02:57,385
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
64
00:02:57,469 --> 00:02:59,096
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
65
00:02:59,178 --> 00:03:00,347
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
66
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:01,890
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
67
00:03:01,974 --> 00:03:03,391
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
68
00:03:03,475 --> 00:03:06,478
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
69
00:03:06,561 --> 00:03:08,105
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
70
00:03:08,147 --> 00:03:09,397
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
71
00:03:09,481 --> 00:03:10,899
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
72
00:03:10,983 --> 00:03:12,609
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
73
00:03:12,693 --> 00:03:13,986
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
74
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,696
- ♪ Prolonged eye contact ♪
75
00:03:15,779 --> 00:03:18,032
- ♪ Lick your lips
to make it more comforting ♪
76
00:03:18,115 --> 00:03:20,117
♪ Do you want to see
a magic trick? ♪
77
00:03:20,199 --> 00:03:24,163
♪ Do you want to see
a magic trick? ♪
78
00:03:24,245 --> 00:03:26,957
♪ Do you want to see
a magic trick? ♪
79
00:03:27,041 --> 00:03:29,001
♪ Then pick a card, any card ♪
80
00:03:29,084 --> 00:03:30,209
Psych.
81
00:03:30,293 --> 00:03:32,337
♪ Magic isn't real, you idiot ♪
82
00:03:32,420 --> 00:03:33,839
- ♪ Read a book ♪
83
00:03:33,922 --> 00:03:35,340
- ♪ Magic isn't real,
you idiot ♪
84
00:03:35,423 --> 00:03:36,842
- ♪ Read a book ♪
85
00:03:36,925 --> 00:03:38,177
- ♪ Magic isn't real,
you idiot ♪
86
00:03:38,259 --> 00:03:39,678
- ♪ Read a book ♪
87
00:03:39,761 --> 00:03:40,679
- ♪ Magic isn't real ♪
88
00:03:40,762 --> 00:03:45,517
♪ Or is it? ♪
89
00:03:45,600 --> 00:03:47,561
And at that moment,
90
00:03:47,644 --> 00:03:49,813
Bo's 20-year-old cynicism
91
00:03:49,897 --> 00:03:53,901
melted into childlike wonder.
92
00:03:53,984 --> 00:03:58,780
He never knew there could be
so much magic in the world.
93
00:03:58,864 --> 00:04:02,409
It's a world
of possibilities, Bo.
94
00:04:02,492 --> 00:04:04,786
What do you want to do first?
95
00:04:04,870 --> 00:04:05,871
Run?
96
00:04:05,954 --> 00:04:07,998
Yeah, sure, you can run.
97
00:04:08,082 --> 00:04:09,083
Fly?
98
00:04:09,166 --> 00:04:12,377
Oh, yeah, you can fly.
99
00:04:12,460 --> 00:04:14,129
What?
What are you--
100
00:04:14,213 --> 00:04:15,214
What the fuck
are you do--
101
00:04:15,296 --> 00:04:16,339
what the fuck are you doing?
102
00:04:16,423 --> 00:04:18,217
Stop. Stop it.
103
00:04:18,299 --> 00:04:19,342
What the f--
104
00:04:19,426 --> 00:04:20,427
You fucking idiot.
105
00:04:20,510 --> 00:04:23,847
Stop. Stop. Stop.
106
00:04:23,931 --> 00:04:26,767
Anyways, in the distance,
107
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:30,562
Bo saw a beautiful fairy,
a fairy so beautiful
108
00:04:30,645 --> 00:04:34,066
that he felt proud about being
called one in high school.
109
00:04:34,149 --> 00:04:36,026
He then came
across an old bridge
110
00:04:36,110 --> 00:04:38,737
with a troll standing guard.
111
00:04:38,820 --> 00:04:42,282
Bo knew that he'd have to answer
a riddle to get by.
112
00:04:42,365 --> 00:04:45,786
The troll spoke thus:
113
00:04:45,869 --> 00:04:47,412
"All right, for the last time,
man, I'm not a troll.
114
00:04:47,495 --> 00:04:49,123
"I'm homeless.
115
00:04:49,206 --> 00:04:52,417
"Okay, do you have
any spare change?
116
00:04:52,500 --> 00:04:54,294
"Okay, that's a used napkin.
117
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:55,462
"I don't want that.
118
00:04:55,545 --> 00:04:56,671
"No, no, stop.
119
00:04:56,755 --> 00:04:57,798
Just--you know what? Leave.
120
00:04:57,881 --> 00:05:01,468
Just leave.
Please leave."
121
00:05:01,551 --> 00:05:03,511
And then...
122
00:05:03,595 --> 00:05:06,974
as Bo arrived on the other side
of the stage,
123
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:11,728
he saw a unicorn with five horns
right in front of him.
124
00:05:11,812 --> 00:05:16,191
And the pentacorn spoke thus:
125
00:05:16,275 --> 00:05:18,902
"Hello, Bo.
126
00:05:18,986 --> 00:05:20,737
I've been looking for you
for quite a long--"
127
00:05:20,821 --> 00:05:24,324
[gunshots]
128
00:05:24,407 --> 00:05:27,327
[gun clicks, cartridge thuds]
129
00:05:27,410 --> 00:05:30,747
[gun clicks, gunshots]
130
00:05:36,753 --> 00:05:40,423
He was safe for now.
131
00:05:40,507 --> 00:05:44,011
But the dark thoughts
would soon return.
132
00:05:46,345 --> 00:05:48,849
- It's Godzilla!
133
00:05:54,938 --> 00:05:56,690
[animal shrieking]
134
00:05:56,773 --> 00:06:01,236
Oh, my God!
[screaming]
135
00:06:11,621 --> 00:06:17,878
- ♪ It's so hard
to be a lizard ♪
136
00:06:17,961 --> 00:06:23,342
♪ It's hard to be a lizard ♪
137
00:06:23,424 --> 00:06:28,513
♪ Tiny arms, itchy gizzard ♪
138
00:06:28,596 --> 00:06:30,431
- Why is he singing?
He's a monster.
139
00:06:30,515 --> 00:06:34,811
- ♪ It's hard to be a lizard ♪
140
00:06:37,356 --> 00:06:39,316
♪ But it's harder to segue ♪
141
00:06:39,398 --> 00:06:40,692
♪ Is he skiing ♪
142
00:06:40,775 --> 00:06:42,110
♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪
143
00:06:42,194 --> 00:06:43,486
♪ Is he skiing ♪
144
00:06:43,570 --> 00:06:45,364
♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪
145
00:06:45,446 --> 00:06:46,698
♪ Is he skiing ♪
146
00:06:46,781 --> 00:06:48,325
♪ Or is he in a gay porn? ♪
147
00:06:48,407 --> 00:06:49,826
♪ Here's a hint ♪
148
00:06:49,910 --> 00:06:51,286
♪ He's in a gay porn ♪
149
00:06:51,370 --> 00:06:53,454
♪ Okay, Bo, this miming shit ♪
150
00:06:53,538 --> 00:06:55,582
♪ Is getting pretty annoying ♪
151
00:06:55,665 --> 00:06:57,542
♪ So give them the real thing ♪
152
00:06:57,625 --> 00:07:03,173
- ♪ My voice
is so fucking natural ♪
153
00:07:03,257 --> 00:07:04,383
♪ It's naturally good ♪
154
00:07:04,465 --> 00:07:07,677
♪ Naturally good ♪
155
00:07:07,761 --> 00:07:10,680
♪ Naturally good ♪
156
00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:12,557
- ♪ This is the end
of the song ♪
157
00:07:12,640 --> 00:07:14,434
♪ And the beginning
of the show ♪
158
00:07:14,517 --> 00:07:16,561
♪ Welcome to the show ♪
159
00:07:16,644 --> 00:07:19,564
[cheers and applause]
160
00:07:40,043 --> 00:07:41,711
- That lizard part
was pretty fucking stupid.
161
00:07:41,795 --> 00:07:44,631
Anyway...
162
00:07:44,714 --> 00:07:47,675
San Francisco, yeah.
Yeah.
163
00:07:47,759 --> 00:07:49,219
We are a place.
164
00:07:49,303 --> 00:07:52,013
We are a place in California.
165
00:07:52,097 --> 00:07:54,599
I'd like to--I'd like to start
166
00:07:54,682 --> 00:07:56,184
with a joke
for my male audience.
167
00:07:56,268 --> 00:07:57,311
This is a joke for the fellas.
168
00:07:57,394 --> 00:07:59,271
Where are my fellas at?
Fellas?
169
00:07:59,354 --> 00:08:01,273
men: Yeah.
170
00:08:01,356 --> 00:08:02,983
- Yo, fellas, don't you hate it
when you're blowing a guy
171
00:08:03,066 --> 00:08:04,234
and he ends up being a faggot?
172
00:08:04,318 --> 00:08:06,486
Am I right?
173
00:08:06,569 --> 00:08:09,906
I've been blowing a faggot
this whole time?
174
00:08:09,990 --> 00:08:12,909
Third time this week.
Thank you so much.
175
00:08:12,993 --> 00:08:14,328
We're having fun.
176
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This show is called what.
177
00:08:21,376 --> 00:08:22,627
And I hope
there's some surprises
178
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for you or some--
Jesus. Sorry.
179
00:08:25,255 --> 00:08:26,923
That's a good start.
I hope there's some--
180
00:08:27,007 --> 00:08:28,425
- ♪ He meant to knock
the water over ♪
181
00:08:28,508 --> 00:08:30,010
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
182
00:08:30,093 --> 00:08:31,970
♪ But you all thought
it was an accident ♪
183
00:08:32,053 --> 00:08:33,763
♪ But he meant to knock
the water over ♪
184
00:08:33,847 --> 00:08:35,849
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
art is alive ♪
185
00:08:35,932 --> 00:08:36,933
♪ Nothing is real ♪
186
00:08:37,017 --> 00:08:38,893
- So we--
187
00:08:38,977 --> 00:08:39,978
Grow up.
188
00:08:40,061 --> 00:08:41,313
Grow up with your applause.
189
00:08:41,396 --> 00:08:42,730
Stick it.
190
00:08:42,814 --> 00:08:44,441
- ♪ He meant to knock
the water over ♪
191
00:08:44,524 --> 00:08:45,817
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
192
00:08:45,900 --> 00:08:47,568
♪ But you all thought
it was an a-- ♪
193
00:08:47,652 --> 00:08:51,823
- Just don't--if it's on repeat,
it will repeat.
194
00:08:51,906 --> 00:08:53,325
We can cut all this.
195
00:08:53,408 --> 00:08:54,575
- ♪ He meant to play
the track again ♪
196
00:08:54,659 --> 00:08:56,161
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
197
00:08:56,244 --> 00:08:57,996
♪ But you all thought
it was an accident ♪
198
00:08:58,079 --> 00:09:01,041
♪ But he meant to play the water
track again-gain-gain ♪
199
00:09:01,124 --> 00:09:03,460
♪ Art's still alive,
nothing's still real ♪
200
00:09:03,543 --> 00:09:05,628
- Food jokes.
Let's do some food jokes.
201
00:09:05,712 --> 00:09:08,215
Segues are weird.
202
00:09:14,221 --> 00:09:17,182
I had a hot dog
for breakfast today,
203
00:09:17,265 --> 00:09:19,142
and afterwards
I felt like this...
204
00:09:22,687 --> 00:09:24,105
'cause I couldn't control
my stools.
205
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:26,358
All right, Jesus.
206
00:09:30,695 --> 00:09:32,030
Glad you like poop-based puns.
207
00:09:32,113 --> 00:09:35,075
That'll be a majority
of the show.
208
00:09:35,158 --> 00:09:36,493
Never waste a moment.
209
00:09:36,576 --> 00:09:39,037
Every moment can become
a comedic moment.
210
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:44,292
See? So just a little lesson
for comedians.
211
00:09:44,376 --> 00:09:51,049
This first song is called
A World on Fire.
212
00:09:51,132 --> 00:09:52,967
[screaming]
213
00:09:53,051 --> 00:09:58,056
This next song, it's a little
bit longer than that one, and--
214
00:09:58,139 --> 00:10:00,975
Thank you.
215
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:02,436
It's about how sad I am,
and I'm really sad.
216
00:10:02,519 --> 00:10:04,479
And it's called Sad.
217
00:10:04,563 --> 00:10:08,442
[melancholy music]
218
00:10:08,525 --> 00:10:11,027
It's about all the sad stuff.
219
00:10:11,111 --> 00:10:14,239
Just picture a depressed onion
cutting itself.
220
00:10:14,322 --> 00:10:22,414
♪ ♪
221
00:10:22,497 --> 00:10:26,000
[whimpers]
222
00:10:26,084 --> 00:10:29,212
♪ I met a homeless man
named Rich ♪
223
00:10:29,296 --> 00:10:33,174
[laughter]
224
00:10:33,258 --> 00:10:34,717
♪ Isn't that terrible? ♪
225
00:10:34,801 --> 00:10:37,345
♪ I saw a flyer for a lost dog ♪
226
00:10:37,429 --> 00:10:39,556
♪ And the dog didn't have
any legs ♪
227
00:10:39,639 --> 00:10:42,559
♪ I saw a diabetic kid ♪
228
00:10:42,642 --> 00:10:44,269
♪ Trick-or-treating ♪
229
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,605
♪ I saw a giraffe
who had a short neck ♪
230
00:10:46,687 --> 00:10:48,940
♪ That was sad or a deer ♪
231
00:10:49,023 --> 00:10:55,029
♪ I saw an old man
get hit by a train ♪
232
00:10:55,113 --> 00:10:59,742
♪ He didn't see it
in the pouring rain ♪
233
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:05,081
♪ He didn't hear me shout,
"Look out for the train." ♪
234
00:11:06,666 --> 00:11:09,794
'Cause I didn't say anything.
235
00:11:09,877 --> 00:11:13,047
♪ ♪
236
00:11:13,131 --> 00:11:15,133
I just thought to myself,
237
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:19,387
"Ooh, this is gonna be sad."
238
00:11:19,471 --> 00:11:22,765
And it was.
239
00:11:22,849 --> 00:11:25,143
I'm a genius.
240
00:11:25,226 --> 00:11:29,439
[whimpers]
241
00:11:29,523 --> 00:11:33,652
♪ I saw a man
with only one eye ♪
242
00:11:33,734 --> 00:11:36,279
♪ ♪
243
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:37,947
♪ In a 3-D movie ♪
244
00:11:38,031 --> 00:11:40,450
♪ I saw a little boy
drop his ice cream cone ♪
245
00:11:40,534 --> 00:11:42,327
♪ Directly
on his mother's corpse ♪
246
00:11:42,410 --> 00:11:44,745
♪ I saw a kitten
stuck in a tree ♪
247
00:11:44,829 --> 00:11:46,789
♪ Then the kitten jumped off,
and he hung itself ♪
248
00:11:46,873 --> 00:11:49,876
♪ I saw a boy
who had red hair ♪
249
00:11:49,959 --> 00:11:52,212
♪ ♪
250
00:11:52,295 --> 00:11:57,425
♪ I went to a store
looking for something to buy ♪
251
00:11:57,509 --> 00:12:03,097
♪ But they only sold paintings
of the same sad guy ♪
252
00:12:03,181 --> 00:12:04,391
♪ No, wait ♪
253
00:12:04,474 --> 00:12:07,477
♪ This store sells mirrors ♪
254
00:12:07,561 --> 00:12:09,270
♪ See what I did there? ♪
255
00:12:09,354 --> 00:12:10,355
Let's rock!
256
00:12:10,438 --> 00:12:11,856
No.
257
00:12:11,939 --> 00:12:15,527
♪ ♪
258
00:12:15,610 --> 00:12:19,656
The world's so sad, bros.
259
00:12:19,738 --> 00:12:25,662
Pain, genocide, war,
sexism, racism.
260
00:12:25,744 --> 00:12:29,624
But I got to remember there's
good things about it too...
261
00:12:29,708 --> 00:12:31,626
like the fact that
none of that's happening to me.
262
00:12:31,710 --> 00:12:35,171
Score.
263
00:12:35,255 --> 00:12:39,008
Still, though, it's hard
not to be sad about it.
264
00:12:39,092 --> 00:12:41,052
How do y'all do it?
265
00:12:41,135 --> 00:12:42,303
I've been telling you guys
266
00:12:42,387 --> 00:12:43,762
terribly sad things
this whole song.
267
00:12:43,846 --> 00:12:45,306
You haven't been sad at all.
268
00:12:45,390 --> 00:12:47,100
You've been--
you've been happy.
269
00:12:47,183 --> 00:12:49,603
No, you've been laughing.
That's it.
270
00:12:49,686 --> 00:12:51,521
Laughter--it's the key
to everything.
271
00:12:51,605 --> 00:12:54,649
It's the way to solve
all the sadness in the world.
272
00:12:54,733 --> 00:12:56,109
I mean, not for the people
that are actually sad
273
00:12:56,192 --> 00:12:57,985
but the people like us
that got to fucking deal
274
00:12:58,069 --> 00:13:00,863
with them all the time.
275
00:13:00,947 --> 00:13:03,116
Being a comedian isn't being
an insensitive prick,
276
00:13:03,199 --> 00:13:05,076
capitalizing on the most
animalistic impulses
277
00:13:05,159 --> 00:13:06,160
of the public.
278
00:13:06,244 --> 00:13:08,913
It's being a hero.
279
00:13:08,996 --> 00:13:11,040
The world isn't sad.
280
00:13:11,124 --> 00:13:12,250
The world's funny.
281
00:13:12,333 --> 00:13:14,127
I'm a sociopath.
282
00:13:14,210 --> 00:13:16,588
♪ I saw an old man
slip and fall ♪
283
00:13:16,671 --> 00:13:18,673
♪ Hey, what a fucking idiot ♪
284
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:21,342
♪ I saw a woman
at her daughter's funeral ♪
285
00:13:21,426 --> 00:13:23,470
Ha ha ha.
Classic comedy.
286
00:13:23,553 --> 00:13:25,972
♪ Everything
that once was sad ♪
287
00:13:26,055 --> 00:13:27,682
♪ Is somehow funny now ♪
288
00:13:27,766 --> 00:13:29,850
♪ The Holocaust and 9/11 ♪
289
00:13:29,934 --> 00:13:32,019
♪ That shit's funny 24-7 ♪
290
00:13:32,103 --> 00:13:38,318
♪ 'Cause tragedy will be
exclusively joked about ♪
291
00:13:38,401 --> 00:13:45,032
♪ Because my empathy
is bumming me out ♪
292
00:13:45,116 --> 00:13:49,912
♪ Good-bye, sadness ♪
293
00:13:49,996 --> 00:13:52,999
♪ Hello, jokes ♪
294
00:13:53,082 --> 00:13:57,170
♪ ♪
295
00:13:57,253 --> 00:13:58,797
Thank you.
296
00:13:58,879 --> 00:14:02,258
[cheers and applause]
297
00:14:13,227 --> 00:14:14,937
I got a really good joke
about video editors.
298
00:14:15,021 --> 00:14:16,773
Video editors are so fucking--
299
00:14:16,815 --> 00:14:18,941
I think we should do a poem
right now, if that's okay.
300
00:14:19,025 --> 00:14:21,569
This poem is a little bit sappy,
a little bit romantic.
301
00:14:21,653 --> 00:14:23,237
So we'll get it
out of the way now.
302
00:14:23,321 --> 00:14:27,908
And we will go back to the--
whoops--the dirty stuff,
303
00:14:27,992 --> 00:14:31,663
you know, everyone loves
at a late show or whatever.
304
00:14:31,746 --> 00:14:32,872
Okay.
305
00:14:32,955 --> 00:14:35,291
It's called I Fuck Sluts.
306
00:14:38,419 --> 00:14:39,838
It's not a roll call,
but thank you.
307
00:14:39,920 --> 00:14:42,882
Sluts, sluts--
308
00:14:45,426 --> 00:14:47,846
Sluts, sluts, I fuck sluts.
309
00:14:47,928 --> 00:14:49,305
Sluts get fucked
when I fuck sluts.
310
00:14:49,389 --> 00:14:50,598
No if, ands, and/or buts.
311
00:14:50,682 --> 00:14:52,642
I fuck sluts.
I fuck sluts.
312
00:14:52,726 --> 00:14:54,769
Nice girls are nice
but no good for nut-sucking.
313
00:14:54,853 --> 00:14:56,771
They'll need a serene night
to green-light a butt-fucking.
314
00:14:56,855 --> 00:14:58,690
But that'd be easy with sleazy
old slut fucking.
315
00:14:58,773 --> 00:14:59,899
Boo to the nice girls.
316
00:14:59,982 --> 00:15:01,150
Praise be to slut-fucking.
317
00:15:01,234 --> 00:15:04,195
I have a list.
A list?
318
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:05,822
Yes, a list of all the sluts
I've missed.
319
00:15:05,905 --> 00:15:07,574
I've never fucked or sucked
these sluts,
320
00:15:07,657 --> 00:15:09,033
and thus my nuts
are fucking pissed.
321
00:15:09,116 --> 00:15:10,660
So, when I fuck
the lucky slut,
322
00:15:10,744 --> 00:15:12,370
my nut removes her
from the list.
323
00:15:12,453 --> 00:15:14,955
Another dumb cumbucket
struck from my nut-sucking,
324
00:15:15,039 --> 00:15:18,585
suck it, slut,
slut-fucking bucket list.
325
00:15:18,668 --> 00:15:23,923
Yes, you hear the influences--
Chaucer, Keats.
326
00:15:24,006 --> 00:15:25,341
The pages are blank.
I know it.
327
00:15:25,425 --> 00:15:29,303
Why am I lying to you?
328
00:15:29,387 --> 00:15:31,723
Sluts can be white, black,
brown, pink, or almond.
329
00:15:31,806 --> 00:15:34,559
They can be skinny with big tits
or be skinny with small ones.
330
00:15:34,642 --> 00:15:36,519
Sluts can be perky, preppy,
or posh,
331
00:15:36,603 --> 00:15:37,645
with their brains
and their clothes
332
00:15:37,729 --> 00:15:39,063
all shrunk from the wash.
333
00:15:39,146 --> 00:15:41,649
Excuse me.
334
00:15:45,653 --> 00:15:50,241
But other sluts are pretty
and funny and smart.
335
00:15:50,324 --> 00:15:51,576
These sluts can lift
all your thoughts
336
00:15:51,659 --> 00:15:53,035
from your dick to your heart.
337
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:55,329
They can talk about science,
music, or art.
338
00:15:55,413 --> 00:15:57,916
They can put you together,
or they can pull you apart.
339
00:15:57,998 --> 00:16:00,543
But don't trust these sluts.
Don't. Don't you dare.
340
00:16:00,627 --> 00:16:02,837
They'll force you to trust them
and love them and care.
341
00:16:02,921 --> 00:16:04,756
And then they'll be gone,
and then you'll be aware
342
00:16:04,839 --> 00:16:07,258
of that hole in your heart
that that dumb slut left there.
343
00:16:07,341 --> 00:16:08,885
Thank you very much.
344
00:16:08,968 --> 00:16:12,096
"So he was lashing out
with sexist language
345
00:16:12,179 --> 00:16:13,681
"'cause he had
his heart broken.
346
00:16:13,765 --> 00:16:16,058
We all learned something."
347
00:16:20,647 --> 00:16:22,231
Thank you all for coming.
348
00:16:22,315 --> 00:16:24,400
I know some of my bits
are a little bit fast and dense,
349
00:16:24,484 --> 00:16:26,277
a little bit hard to follow,
particularly that one.
350
00:16:26,360 --> 00:16:27,862
So I want to do something
a little bit slower
351
00:16:27,946 --> 00:16:29,405
for the people,
maybe the older people
352
00:16:29,489 --> 00:16:32,366
in the crowd or something,
so this is for you.
353
00:16:32,450 --> 00:16:35,369
Here's a slow joke.
[slowed tone]
354
00:16:40,291 --> 00:16:44,086
[deep voice]
What did the ear of corn say
355
00:16:44,170 --> 00:16:49,342
when all of its clothes
fell off?
356
00:16:49,425 --> 00:16:53,304
"Aw, shucks."
357
00:16:53,387 --> 00:16:55,222
Get it?
358
00:16:57,391 --> 00:17:02,229
Like shucks,
as in shucking corn,
359
00:17:02,313 --> 00:17:07,944
and also "shucks"
the exclamation.
360
00:17:08,027 --> 00:17:11,030
Am I right?
361
00:17:13,783 --> 00:17:16,035
[normal voice]
Good, we're having fun.
362
00:17:18,454 --> 00:17:21,582
My father recently told me that
I act too flamboyant onstage.
363
00:17:21,666 --> 00:17:24,711
And I said, "Really, Dad?
Prove it."
364
00:17:28,255 --> 00:17:29,549
He said,
"What about that joke
365
00:17:29,632 --> 00:17:31,091
where you throw confetti
at the end of it?"
366
00:17:31,175 --> 00:17:32,760
I said, "I haven't written
that joke yet,
367
00:17:32,844 --> 00:17:34,261
"'cause it's based off
this conversation.
368
00:17:34,345 --> 00:17:35,763
Gotcha."
369
00:17:38,892 --> 00:17:40,935
Keep it.
Keep the struggle.
370
00:17:45,899 --> 00:17:47,734
We're having a lot of fun, guys.
Don't worry about--
371
00:17:47,817 --> 00:17:49,569
You don't have
to fill the silences
372
00:17:49,652 --> 00:17:51,237
with laughter or applause.
373
00:17:51,320 --> 00:17:53,197
I don't want you leaving
this show thinking,
374
00:17:53,280 --> 00:17:55,115
"My hands hurt from clapping.
My stomach hurts from laughing."
375
00:17:55,199 --> 00:17:57,284
I just want you leaving
this show thinking,
376
00:17:57,368 --> 00:17:59,286
"All right."
377
00:18:01,247 --> 00:18:03,583
And we're on our way.
378
00:18:03,666 --> 00:18:06,377
I moved to Hollywood recently
from Boston,
379
00:18:06,460 --> 00:18:08,922
where I grew up, and--
places.
380
00:18:09,005 --> 00:18:13,092
And I heard about these sort
of wild Hollywood party nights
381
00:18:13,175 --> 00:18:15,053
that people would have, and
I didn't think they were true
382
00:18:15,135 --> 00:18:17,013
until I moved to Hollywood
and I started having them.
383
00:18:17,096 --> 00:18:18,681
Anyway, this is a song
about a crazy night
384
00:18:18,765 --> 00:18:20,224
that happened
a couple weeks ago.
385
00:18:20,307 --> 00:18:22,476
It's called
What Did I Do Last Night?
386
00:18:22,560 --> 00:18:24,938
[dance music]
387
00:18:25,021 --> 00:18:28,190
Yeah.
Yeah.
388
00:18:28,274 --> 00:18:29,650
Hey, hey, hey.
389
00:18:29,734 --> 00:18:32,904
♪ What did I do last night? ♪
390
00:18:32,987 --> 00:18:39,911
♪ ♪
391
00:18:39,994 --> 00:18:42,038
♪ I cried myself to sleep ♪
392
00:18:42,121 --> 00:18:43,957
[laughter]
393
00:18:44,040 --> 00:18:46,960
[cheers and applause]
394
00:19:00,098 --> 00:19:01,599
It was a good one.
395
00:19:06,729 --> 00:19:08,689
When did my mother
first describe gay sex to me?
396
00:19:08,773 --> 00:19:11,567
Good question.
I was eight years old.
397
00:19:13,736 --> 00:19:14,988
I was eight years old.
398
00:19:15,071 --> 00:19:17,073
She brought me
into the dining room.
399
00:19:17,156 --> 00:19:19,075
She sat right across
the table from me.
400
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:22,036
She said, "Do you know how your
father and I love each other?"
401
00:19:22,120 --> 00:19:23,997
I said, "Of course.
You and Dad love each other
402
00:19:24,080 --> 00:19:25,790
"more than two people
in the world
403
00:19:25,873 --> 00:19:27,374
could possibly love
each other."
404
00:19:27,458 --> 00:19:29,836
She said, "Well, two men
can love each other
405
00:19:29,919 --> 00:19:34,632
in the exact same way that your
father and I love each other."
406
00:19:34,715 --> 00:19:38,302
She said, "What happens when two
men love each other like that,
407
00:19:38,385 --> 00:19:42,515
"what they do is they take off
all their clothes,
408
00:19:42,598 --> 00:19:44,308
"they get into bed,
409
00:19:44,391 --> 00:19:46,268
and they shit on the Bible!"
410
00:19:46,352 --> 00:19:49,271
[laughter]
411
00:19:57,404 --> 00:19:58,906
So I don't talk to her anymore.
412
00:19:58,990 --> 00:20:00,407
Okay.
413
00:20:03,369 --> 00:20:07,247
- Hello, patient 24602.
- Hi. I'm sorry.
414
00:20:07,331 --> 00:20:10,001
- How are you feeling?
- Not great.
415
00:20:10,084 --> 00:20:11,836
- Has the treatment
been working?
416
00:20:11,919 --> 00:20:13,253
- No, it hasn't been.
417
00:20:13,337 --> 00:20:15,048
- What are your remaining
symptoms?
418
00:20:15,131 --> 00:20:16,632
- I just--I internalize
my feelings.
419
00:20:16,716 --> 00:20:18,300
I just--I have trouble artic--
420
00:20:18,384 --> 00:20:20,594
Like, other people and
relating to them is just hard.
421
00:20:20,678 --> 00:20:22,429
- So basically you're still
a little bitch.
422
00:20:22,513 --> 00:20:24,682
- Real mature of you,
disembodied voice up there.
423
00:20:24,765 --> 00:20:27,434
- I was just joking, nigga.
424
00:20:27,518 --> 00:20:29,645
- We are right by Oakland.
Careful with that shit.
425
00:20:29,729 --> 00:20:31,731
- I'm not human.
I can say whatever I want.
426
00:20:31,814 --> 00:20:33,858
- All right, just get to the--
What's wrong with me?
427
00:20:33,941 --> 00:20:35,484
What is wrong with me, please?
428
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,778
- Your emotions and your logic
are at war.
429
00:20:37,862 --> 00:20:39,363
- Okay.
430
00:20:39,446 --> 00:20:42,241
- Your creativity
and your analysis are at war.
431
00:20:42,324 --> 00:20:45,327
And most simply your left
and right brain are at war.
432
00:20:45,411 --> 00:20:47,163
- My left and my right?
433
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:50,124
- To fix the problem, we must
separate them from each other.
434
00:20:50,208 --> 00:20:51,500
- Separ--
435
00:20:51,584 --> 00:20:53,293
- Splitting your
neurological functions
436
00:20:53,377 --> 00:20:55,462
in five, four, three...
437
00:20:55,546 --> 00:20:57,339
- Let's just--
will you book an appointment?
438
00:20:57,423 --> 00:20:58,632
You don't just start
counting down.
439
00:20:58,716 --> 00:21:00,551
- One.
This may hurt a bit.
440
00:21:00,634 --> 00:21:01,635
- I don't even know what it is.
441
00:21:01,719 --> 00:21:03,096
- Zero.
- Just--
442
00:21:03,179 --> 00:21:06,099
[dramatic music,
electronic whirring]
443
00:21:11,938 --> 00:21:16,109
- Isolation complete.
444
00:21:16,192 --> 00:21:17,985
This is Bo's left brain:
445
00:21:18,069 --> 00:21:21,488
objective, logical,
cold, analytical,
446
00:21:21,572 --> 00:21:24,408
aware of patterns,
aware of trends.
447
00:21:24,491 --> 00:21:28,454
He's efficient and a prick.
448
00:21:28,537 --> 00:21:30,330
This is Bo's right brain:
449
00:21:30,414 --> 00:21:33,209
subjective, creative, sensory,
450
00:21:33,292 --> 00:21:36,087
aware of feelings,
aware of people.
451
00:21:36,170 --> 00:21:37,171
He's emotional...
452
00:21:37,255 --> 00:21:40,091
- Yes.
- And an idiot.
453
00:21:40,174 --> 00:21:43,010
- That's your opinion, so just--
careful with opinions.
454
00:21:43,094 --> 00:21:46,180
- Okay, boys, play nice.
455
00:21:46,264 --> 00:21:48,599
- ♪ I am the left brain,
I am the left brain ♪
456
00:21:48,682 --> 00:21:51,477
♪ I work really hard till
my inevitable death brain ♪
457
00:21:51,560 --> 00:21:52,728
♪ You got a job to do ♪
458
00:21:52,812 --> 00:21:54,563
♪ You better do it right ♪
459
00:21:54,647 --> 00:21:57,775
♪ And the right way is with
the left brain's might ♪
460
00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:00,820
♪ I like Oreos and pussy ♪
461
00:22:00,903 --> 00:22:02,613
♪ Yeah, okay ♪
462
00:22:02,696 --> 00:22:04,490
♪ And I cried
for at least an hour ♪
463
00:22:04,573 --> 00:22:07,493
♪ After watching Toy Story 3 ♪
464
00:22:07,576 --> 00:22:10,246
♪ I am the right brain ♪
465
00:22:10,329 --> 00:22:12,832
♪ I have feelings ♪
466
00:22:12,915 --> 00:22:14,834
♪ I'm a little
all over the place ♪
467
00:22:14,917 --> 00:22:16,543
♪ But I'm lustful, trustful ♪
468
00:22:16,627 --> 00:22:18,171
♪ And I'm looking
for somebody to love ♪
469
00:22:18,254 --> 00:22:19,797
♪ And put my penis in ♪
470
00:22:19,880 --> 00:22:22,424
♪ Here comes a female,
here comes a female ♪
471
00:22:22,508 --> 00:22:24,010
♪ Puff your chest out ♪
472
00:22:24,093 --> 00:22:25,552
♪ Take your phone,
and check your email ♪
473
00:22:25,636 --> 00:22:28,181
♪ Our evolutionary purpose
is repopulate ♪
474
00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:31,433
♪ So gather data now and see
if she's a possible mate ♪
475
00:22:31,517 --> 00:22:35,562
♪ Holy fuck,
I think she might be the one ♪
476
00:22:35,646 --> 00:22:38,316
♪ There's something about her ♪
477
00:22:38,398 --> 00:22:41,235
♪ I just can't describe it ♪
478
00:22:41,319 --> 00:22:42,444
Tits.
479
00:22:42,528 --> 00:22:43,821
♪ I am the Earth ♪
480
00:22:43,904 --> 00:22:46,782
♪ She's the glorious sun ♪
481
00:22:46,866 --> 00:22:49,535
♪ I want her to trust me ♪
482
00:22:49,618 --> 00:22:51,495
♪ And I just want her
to sit on my face ♪
483
00:22:51,578 --> 00:22:53,998
Sit.
484
00:22:54,081 --> 00:22:56,458
♪ All right, now, right brain,
you're being insane ♪
485
00:22:56,542 --> 00:23:00,171
♪ No, left brain,
I'm just being alive ♪
486
00:23:00,254 --> 00:23:02,506
♪ You should try it ♪
487
00:23:02,589 --> 00:23:04,925
♪ You might like it ♪
488
00:23:05,009 --> 00:23:08,012
♪ I worked hard to give him
everything he cared about ♪
489
00:23:08,095 --> 00:23:09,180
♪ You were worried
about the things
490
00:23:09,263 --> 00:23:10,806
♪ That he was scared about ♪
491
00:23:10,890 --> 00:23:14,060
♪ I'm calm and collected
when you act wild ♪
492
00:23:14,143 --> 00:23:15,269
♪ I am the adult ♪
493
00:23:15,353 --> 00:23:16,979
♪ You are the child ♪
494
00:23:17,063 --> 00:23:20,607
♪ You think you're the right one
every time ♪
495
00:23:20,691 --> 00:23:23,819
♪ You think
you know everything ♪
496
00:23:23,903 --> 00:23:27,907
♪ You don't know
anything at all ♪
497
00:23:27,990 --> 00:23:32,203
♪ Half of his problems
were supposed to be mine ♪
498
00:23:32,286 --> 00:23:34,997
♪ But you wanted everything ♪
499
00:23:35,081 --> 00:23:40,418
♪ I hope that you're happy,
'cause he's sure not ♪
500
00:23:40,502 --> 00:23:44,340
Well, according to my
calculations, you're a pussy.
501
00:23:44,422 --> 00:23:46,050
Name-calling, really?
We're gonna do name-calling?
502
00:23:46,133 --> 00:23:47,634
I'm not calling names,
all right?
503
00:23:47,718 --> 00:23:49,095
I'm just stating facts.
504
00:23:49,178 --> 00:23:51,097
And the fact is,
you're a quivering pussy.
505
00:23:51,180 --> 00:23:52,848
I'm the pussy? Well, at least
I don't play with toys still.
506
00:23:52,932 --> 00:23:54,350
Okay, Rubik's Cubes
are not toys.
507
00:23:54,432 --> 00:23:56,352
They keep my spatial reasoning
skills sharp.
508
00:23:56,434 --> 00:23:57,770
Left brain plays with toys.
509
00:23:57,853 --> 00:24:01,523
Look at you,
Johnny fucking toy-player.
510
00:24:01,607 --> 00:24:04,235
Well, at least I did
my fucking job.
511
00:24:04,318 --> 00:24:05,861
I kept him working.
I kept him productive.
512
00:24:05,945 --> 00:24:07,280
You were supposed
to look after him.
513
00:24:07,363 --> 00:24:08,655
You were supposed to keep him
514
00:24:08,739 --> 00:24:10,490
emotionally stable
through all this.
515
00:24:10,574 --> 00:24:12,201
Now you're trying to blame me
for how he's feeling.
516
00:24:12,285 --> 00:24:13,994
How he's feeling.
517
00:24:14,078 --> 00:24:15,996
If he's feeling unhappy,
it's because you failed him.
518
00:24:16,080 --> 00:24:18,791
You did this to him.
He hates you. I know he does.
519
00:24:18,874 --> 00:24:20,626
He fucking hates you!
520
00:24:22,420 --> 00:24:25,339
[sobbing]
521
00:24:28,801 --> 00:24:32,221
Right brain, look, I'm sorry.
522
00:24:32,305 --> 00:24:34,307
No, you're not.
523
00:24:43,232 --> 00:24:47,653
♪ Look, maybe there's something
that we could do together ♪
524
00:24:50,323 --> 00:24:52,366
Together?
525
00:24:52,450 --> 00:24:55,286
♪ Take the best parts
of both of us ♪
526
00:24:55,369 --> 00:24:59,706
♪ Put them together ♪
527
00:24:59,790 --> 00:25:01,708
I'm listening.
528
00:25:01,792 --> 00:25:04,670
♪ It would let you
let your feelings out ♪
529
00:25:04,753 --> 00:25:07,256
♪ It would let me analyze ♪
530
00:25:07,340 --> 00:25:09,091
♪ So you could man the themes ♪
531
00:25:09,175 --> 00:25:12,261
♪ I'll man the form ♪
532
00:25:12,345 --> 00:25:14,930
♪ It's something
that George Carlin did ♪
533
00:25:15,014 --> 00:25:17,475
♪ It's something
that Steve Martin did ♪
534
00:25:17,557 --> 00:25:21,145
♪ It's something special
that we could both perform ♪
535
00:25:21,228 --> 00:25:23,022
Do you know what it is?
536
00:25:23,105 --> 00:25:25,941
Juggling? We could juggle
and juggle our cares away.
537
00:25:32,990 --> 00:25:34,450
It was comedy.
We could do comedy together.
538
00:25:34,532 --> 00:25:35,784
- Initiate reassembly.
539
00:25:35,868 --> 00:25:37,286
- All right, all right,
right brain,
540
00:25:37,370 --> 00:25:38,578
we're gonna do comedy together,
all right?
541
00:25:38,662 --> 00:25:39,663
All right, all right,
left brain,
542
00:25:39,746 --> 00:25:40,706
I'll do comedy with you.
543
00:25:40,789 --> 00:25:42,208
Look, we can fix him like this.
544
00:25:42,291 --> 00:25:43,876
We can make him happy again,
I promise.
545
00:25:43,959 --> 00:25:47,087
Left brain, left brain,
I love you.
546
00:25:47,171 --> 00:25:49,589
- Three, two...
547
00:25:49,673 --> 00:25:52,259
- I know.
- One.
548
00:25:52,343 --> 00:25:54,220
Experimentation complete.
549
00:25:54,303 --> 00:25:55,762
- Thank you very much.
550
00:25:55,846 --> 00:25:58,765
[cheers and applause]
551
00:26:06,148 --> 00:26:07,441
At this point of the show,
552
00:26:07,525 --> 00:26:10,319
I'd like to talk
about how deep I am.
553
00:26:12,405 --> 00:26:17,243
And I'm pretty fucking deep,
deep, deep, deep.
554
00:26:17,326 --> 00:26:20,246
[gentle music]
555
00:26:20,329 --> 00:26:22,622
♪ ♪
556
00:26:22,706 --> 00:26:25,459
So deep...
557
00:26:28,962 --> 00:26:31,507
that I called this song...
558
00:26:35,802 --> 00:26:38,556
#deep.
559
00:26:49,024 --> 00:26:51,693
♪ Have you ever stopped
to watch a bluebird ♪
560
00:26:51,777 --> 00:26:55,781
♪ Drop from a tree
and take to the air? ♪
561
00:26:55,864 --> 00:26:57,283
♪ Me neither ♪
562
00:26:57,366 --> 00:27:02,246
[laughter]
563
00:27:02,329 --> 00:27:05,499
♪ Have you ever took time out
to finish a rhyme ♪
564
00:27:05,583 --> 00:27:08,710
♪ But the right words
just weren't there? ♪
565
00:27:08,794 --> 00:27:10,212
♪ Meat cleaver ♪
566
00:27:10,296 --> 00:27:13,215
[laughter]
567
00:27:15,509 --> 00:27:22,141
♪ The people in my life
are like grains of sand ♪
568
00:27:22,224 --> 00:27:25,769
♪ 'Cause they stick together ♪
569
00:27:25,852 --> 00:27:27,854
♪ Often near my butthole ♪
570
00:27:27,938 --> 00:27:31,191
♪ If life is an ocean ♪
571
00:27:31,275 --> 00:27:36,863
♪ I am
a deep and handsome fish ♪
572
00:27:36,947 --> 00:27:40,409
♪ A fish that's drowning ♪
573
00:27:40,493 --> 00:27:43,579
♪ If the artistic process
is a birth canal ♪
574
00:27:43,661 --> 00:27:49,793
♪ Then I am
a freshly jellied kid ♪
575
00:27:49,876 --> 00:27:54,632
♪ Come witness my crowning ♪
576
00:27:54,714 --> 00:27:57,426
♪ These thoughts of mine ♪
577
00:27:57,510 --> 00:28:01,013
♪ Must be a sign
that I'm ♪
578
00:28:01,096 --> 00:28:05,100
♪ #deep ♪
579
00:28:05,184 --> 00:28:07,561
If Jesus can walk on water,
580
00:28:07,645 --> 00:28:10,105
can He swim on land?
581
00:28:12,191 --> 00:28:17,321
♪ Have you ever accidentally
peed on the toilet seat ♪
582
00:28:17,404 --> 00:28:20,324
♪ Instead of
on your girlfriend's face? ♪
583
00:28:20,407 --> 00:28:22,326
♪ Me neither ♪
584
00:28:24,244 --> 00:28:26,455
Me neither!
585
00:28:26,539 --> 00:28:29,791
♪ Have you ever wrote a song
note for note ♪
586
00:28:29,875 --> 00:28:32,461
♪ And not a single note
was out of place? ♪
587
00:28:32,545 --> 00:28:36,923
Duh.
Hold on.
588
00:28:37,007 --> 00:28:42,137
♪ The people in my life
are like blades of grass ♪
589
00:28:42,221 --> 00:28:45,765
♪ How?
'Cause they're all so grounded ♪
590
00:28:45,849 --> 00:28:49,228
♪ But at least grass
stays away from my butthole ♪
591
00:28:49,311 --> 00:28:52,147
♪ Art is a harlot ♪
592
00:28:52,231 --> 00:28:56,485
♪ And I am
her sassy urban friend ♪
593
00:28:56,569 --> 00:29:01,823
♪ Oh, bitch, why you being
so selfish? ♪
594
00:29:01,907 --> 00:29:08,330
♪ If Mama is right
and the world is my oyster ♪
595
00:29:08,414 --> 00:29:10,874
♪ Then I must have ♪
596
00:29:10,957 --> 00:29:15,795
♪ An allergy to shellfish ♪
597
00:29:15,879 --> 00:29:18,882
♪ You don't know ♪
598
00:29:18,965 --> 00:29:22,428
♪ How could you know? ♪
599
00:29:22,511 --> 00:29:28,601
♪ If life makes you wish
you were dead ♪
600
00:29:28,684 --> 00:29:31,353
♪ Just put on a good movie ♪
601
00:29:31,437 --> 00:29:35,733
♪ Then promptly put a bullet
in your head ♪
602
00:29:35,815 --> 00:29:41,071
♪ Spend forever asleep ♪
603
00:29:41,154 --> 00:29:46,243
♪ 'Cause life pales in
comparison to living the dream ♪
604
00:29:46,326 --> 00:29:48,828
♪ #deep ♪
605
00:29:48,912 --> 00:29:56,836
♪ ♪
606
00:30:00,466 --> 00:30:01,675
Thank you.
607
00:30:01,759 --> 00:30:05,887
[cheers and applause]
608
00:30:05,971 --> 00:30:08,890
[cute music]
609
00:30:08,974 --> 00:30:17,441
♪ ♪
610
00:32:04,840 --> 00:32:06,466
Don't you hate it
when that happens?
611
00:32:06,550 --> 00:32:08,176
Yeah.
612
00:32:08,260 --> 00:32:10,846
Thank you. That's called
Beating Off in "A" Minor.
613
00:32:10,929 --> 00:32:13,181
Yes, yes.
614
00:32:17,686 --> 00:32:22,148
"A" minor, the key,
not the felony.
615
00:32:22,232 --> 00:32:25,151
So...
616
00:32:25,235 --> 00:32:28,739
I believe...
[chuckles]
617
00:32:28,822 --> 00:32:31,491
I believe there's nothing
more manly one can do
618
00:32:31,575 --> 00:32:33,702
than take a shower
with five other guys.
619
00:32:33,786 --> 00:32:35,662
It's true.
620
00:32:35,746 --> 00:32:38,081
It's early cavemen, Cro-Magnon,
wandering through the fog,
621
00:32:38,164 --> 00:32:39,875
you know, scrubbing
five other sapiens.
622
00:32:39,958 --> 00:32:41,376
No homo.
623
00:32:41,460 --> 00:32:44,254
We--oh.
624
00:32:44,337 --> 00:32:48,967
I'd like to do some poems
right now, if that's okay.
625
00:32:49,050 --> 00:32:52,262
We're in this point
of the show.
626
00:32:52,345 --> 00:32:54,389
These poems
are actually from--
627
00:32:54,473 --> 00:32:55,891
I'm releasing this special
for free.
628
00:32:55,974 --> 00:32:58,143
So I'm gonna plug
my poetry book.
629
00:32:58,226 --> 00:33:00,228
These are my new poems from
my poetry book called Egghead
630
00:33:00,312 --> 00:33:02,021
that will be out by the time
this is airing
631
00:33:02,105 --> 00:33:06,944
but not by the time you guys
are seated here right now, so...
632
00:33:07,026 --> 00:33:09,613
But it's good.
They're pretty serious.
633
00:33:09,696 --> 00:33:11,030
And it's all just sort of--
634
00:33:11,114 --> 00:33:12,908
This is sort of the lull
of the show usually.
635
00:33:12,991 --> 00:33:14,451
So I'd like to, at this point,
636
00:33:14,534 --> 00:33:16,578
sort of take the pressure
off the audience
637
00:33:16,662 --> 00:33:18,037
and just read some poems.
638
00:33:18,121 --> 00:33:19,873
And then we'll go back
to the giggles.
639
00:33:19,957 --> 00:33:22,960
So this is a poem by a dog.
640
00:33:23,042 --> 00:33:24,377
"Roses are gray.
641
00:33:24,461 --> 00:33:25,629
"Violets are a different shade
of gray.
642
00:33:25,712 --> 00:33:27,088
Let's go chase cars."
643
00:33:27,172 --> 00:33:29,800
[laughter]
644
00:33:34,262 --> 00:33:38,558
"Me with my strange choice
of adjectives.
645
00:33:38,642 --> 00:33:42,270
You with your muscular teeth
and clockwise vagina."
646
00:33:42,354 --> 00:33:46,399
[laughter]
647
00:33:50,487 --> 00:33:54,282
"I put a chameleon
on a red dildo."
648
00:34:00,873 --> 00:34:02,833
"He blushed."
There we go.
649
00:34:02,916 --> 00:34:06,586
[laughter]
650
00:34:08,547 --> 00:34:11,174
This is a poem about beauty,
about self-image,
651
00:34:11,257 --> 00:34:14,553
and about the ability
to transform.
652
00:34:14,636 --> 00:34:16,763
"Martha was ugly,
like a shaven baboon,
653
00:34:16,847 --> 00:34:19,349
"so she wrapped herself up
in a curtain cocoon.
654
00:34:19,432 --> 00:34:21,309
"And after a week,
she finally emerged.
655
00:34:21,393 --> 00:34:24,062
She smelled like shit.
What a psycho."
656
00:34:24,145 --> 00:34:25,939
[laughter]
657
00:34:33,613 --> 00:34:36,324
"You're incomparable,
658
00:34:36,408 --> 00:34:40,119
like a..."
659
00:34:40,203 --> 00:34:43,122
[laughter]
660
00:34:50,047 --> 00:34:53,341
"I want to beat you to death
with a blunt object.
661
00:34:53,425 --> 00:34:55,343
"I want to grab one of those
high-end fashion mannequins
662
00:34:55,427 --> 00:34:58,013
"by the ankles
and bash your rib cage in.
663
00:34:58,096 --> 00:35:00,473
"I want to sharpen 50 pencils,
bind them with a rubber band,
664
00:35:00,557 --> 00:35:03,435
"stick the lead in your mouth,
and punch the erasers.
665
00:35:03,518 --> 00:35:05,228
"I want to strap you
to a bed of nails,
666
00:35:05,311 --> 00:35:06,980
"then strap that bed of nails
to the hood of my car
667
00:35:07,064 --> 00:35:09,024
"so I can watch you suffer
as we drive over speed bumps
668
00:35:09,066 --> 00:35:12,151
"in a mall parking lot
during an earthquake.
669
00:35:12,235 --> 00:35:14,029
"I want you to somehow survive
a terrible car crash,
670
00:35:14,112 --> 00:35:15,655
"then somehow not survive
a small fender bender
671
00:35:15,739 --> 00:35:18,742
on the way back
from the hospital."
672
00:35:18,825 --> 00:35:20,994
Thank you.
That's called Dad.
673
00:35:21,078 --> 00:35:23,997
[laughter]
674
00:35:28,251 --> 00:35:29,962
This is a poem.
675
00:35:30,045 --> 00:35:31,755
It's really a story that's meant
primarily for children,
676
00:35:31,838 --> 00:35:34,549
but I think it's got a lesson
we could all learn.
677
00:35:36,885 --> 00:35:41,139
"The squares lived happily
in their square houses,
678
00:35:41,222 --> 00:35:44,267
"in their square yard,
in their square town.
679
00:35:44,350 --> 00:35:46,812
"But then one day,
a family of circles
680
00:35:46,895 --> 00:35:50,690
"moved in from the West.
681
00:35:50,774 --> 00:35:54,486
"'Get out of here, roundies,'
682
00:35:54,569 --> 00:35:57,030
"shouted one of the squares.
683
00:35:57,114 --> 00:36:00,241
"'Why?'
said one of the circles.
684
00:36:00,325 --> 00:36:02,077
''Cause this is a metaphor
for racism.'"
685
00:36:02,160 --> 00:36:05,538
[laughter]
686
00:36:08,458 --> 00:36:10,418
"When I walk into a party,
you'd think I was one
687
00:36:10,502 --> 00:36:12,587
"of those long, straight
Tetris pieces,
688
00:36:12,671 --> 00:36:14,840
"'cause everyone's just like,
'Oh, yeah, this guy's here.
689
00:36:14,923 --> 00:36:16,883
Finally. We've been waiting
for him to show up.'"
690
00:36:16,967 --> 00:36:18,844
Like, you wait in the game--
Forget it.
691
00:36:18,927 --> 00:36:21,138
[cheers and applause]
692
00:36:21,220 --> 00:36:23,807
No. You had your chance.
693
00:36:26,476 --> 00:36:28,145
"If I had a million dollars,
694
00:36:28,227 --> 00:36:30,147
"I'd pay your mother
to have sex with me.
695
00:36:30,229 --> 00:36:34,359
Afterwards, I'd probably invest
the remaining $999,990."
696
00:36:34,442 --> 00:36:35,777
$10 for sex with your mother.
697
00:36:35,861 --> 00:36:38,697
Comedy.
698
00:36:38,780 --> 00:36:40,406
I smell comedy.
699
00:36:40,490 --> 00:36:43,409
Well, it was comedy
giving off that scent.
700
00:36:46,412 --> 00:36:48,707
And finally...
701
00:36:48,790 --> 00:36:50,709
"Mid-October,
702
00:36:50,792 --> 00:36:54,253
"with leaves spilled
like colored-pencil shavings,
703
00:36:54,337 --> 00:36:59,300
"the streets dicing our town
into neat, unfair portions.
704
00:36:59,384 --> 00:37:02,554
And me,
eating that pussy, baby."
705
00:37:02,637 --> 00:37:04,056
Thank you so much.
706
00:37:04,139 --> 00:37:07,059
[cheers and applause]
707
00:37:17,069 --> 00:37:20,238
There's things that I don't want
to come across in my show
708
00:37:20,321 --> 00:37:22,323
that I worry often come across
about me,
709
00:37:22,407 --> 00:37:24,659
'cause people don't realize
that it's an act up here.
710
00:37:24,743 --> 00:37:26,036
I don't want you to ever think
711
00:37:26,119 --> 00:37:27,871
that I think
I'm better than people
712
00:37:27,954 --> 00:37:29,664
or that I think
I know better than people.
713
00:37:29,748 --> 00:37:31,499
Anyway, sorry.
Okay.
714
00:37:31,583 --> 00:37:34,753
This is a song
from the perspective of God.
715
00:37:34,836 --> 00:37:39,632
[laughter]
716
00:37:39,716 --> 00:37:46,347
♪ ♪
717
00:37:46,431 --> 00:37:51,728
♪ The books you think I wrote
are way too thick ♪
718
00:37:51,811 --> 00:37:54,397
♪ Who needs 1,000 metaphors ♪
719
00:37:54,480 --> 00:37:58,068
♪ To figure out
you shouldn't be a dick? ♪
720
00:37:58,151 --> 00:38:02,363
♪ And I don't watch you
when you sleep ♪
721
00:38:02,447 --> 00:38:06,118
♪ Surprisingly,
I don't use my omnipotence ♪
722
00:38:06,201 --> 00:38:08,870
♪ To be a fucking creep ♪
723
00:38:08,954 --> 00:38:13,250
♪ You're not going to heaven ♪
724
00:38:13,332 --> 00:38:17,963
♪ Why the fuck would you think
I'd ever kick it with you? ♪
725
00:38:18,046 --> 00:38:22,968
♪ None of you
are going to heaven ♪
726
00:38:23,051 --> 00:38:28,306
♪ There's a trillion aliens
cooler than you ♪
727
00:38:28,389 --> 00:38:31,768
♪ ♪
728
00:38:31,851 --> 00:38:33,937
♪ You shouldn't abstain
from rape ♪
729
00:38:34,020 --> 00:38:36,856
♪ Just 'cause you think
that I want you to ♪
730
00:38:39,985 --> 00:38:45,031
♪ You shouldn't rape 'cause rape
is a fucked-up thing to do ♪
731
00:38:45,115 --> 00:38:49,368
Pretty obvious--
just don't fucking rape people.
732
00:38:49,452 --> 00:38:51,871
Didn't think I had to write
that one down for you.
733
00:38:55,917 --> 00:39:00,755
♪ I don't think masturbation
is obscene ♪
734
00:39:00,839 --> 00:39:02,882
♪ It's absolutely natural ♪
735
00:39:02,966 --> 00:39:06,719
♪ And the weirdest fucking thing
I've ever seen ♪
736
00:39:06,803 --> 00:39:09,639
♪ You make my job
a living hell ♪
737
00:39:09,722 --> 00:39:14,644
♪ I sent gays
to fix overpopulation ♪
738
00:39:14,727 --> 00:39:17,063
♪ Boy, did that go well ♪
739
00:39:17,147 --> 00:39:21,359
♪ You're not going to heaven ♪
740
00:39:21,442 --> 00:39:26,281
♪ Eat a thousand crackers,
sing a million hymns ♪
741
00:39:26,364 --> 00:39:31,494
♪ None of you
are going to heaven ♪
742
00:39:31,577 --> 00:39:33,746
♪ You're not my children ♪
743
00:39:33,830 --> 00:39:37,334
♪ You're a bad game of Sim ♪
744
00:39:40,086 --> 00:39:42,172
♪ You shouldn't abstain
from pork ♪
745
00:39:42,255 --> 00:39:45,800
♪ Just 'cause you think
that I want you to ♪
746
00:39:48,594 --> 00:39:50,305
♪ You can eat pork ♪
747
00:39:50,388 --> 00:39:54,017
'Cause why the fuck
would I give a shit?
748
00:39:54,100 --> 00:39:55,768
I created the universe.
749
00:39:55,852 --> 00:39:59,939
Think I'm drawing the line
at the fucking deli aisle?
750
00:40:00,023 --> 00:40:02,942
[cheers and applause]
751
00:40:06,779 --> 00:40:11,868
♪ You argue, and you bicker,
and you fight ♪
752
00:40:11,951 --> 00:40:15,663
♪ Atheists and Catholics,
Jews and Hindus ♪
753
00:40:15,747 --> 00:40:17,832
♪ Argue day and night ♪
754
00:40:17,916 --> 00:40:22,003
♪ Over what they think
is true ♪
755
00:40:22,087 --> 00:40:24,505
♪ But no one entertains
the thought ♪
756
00:40:24,589 --> 00:40:27,592
♪ That maybe God
does not believe in you ♪
757
00:40:27,675 --> 00:40:31,804
♪ You pray so badly
for heaven ♪
758
00:40:31,888 --> 00:40:36,726
♪ Knowing any day
might be the day that you die ♪
759
00:40:36,809 --> 00:40:41,940
♪ But maybe life on Earth
could be heaven ♪
760
00:40:42,023 --> 00:40:46,903
♪ Doesn't just the thought of it
make it worth a try? ♪
761
00:40:46,986 --> 00:40:50,365
♪ ♪
762
00:40:50,448 --> 00:40:54,702
♪ My love's the type of thing
that you have to earn ♪
763
00:40:54,786 --> 00:40:59,082
♪ And when you earn it,
you won't need it ♪
764
00:40:59,165 --> 00:41:04,212
♪ Oh, my love's the type
of thing that you have to earn ♪
765
00:41:04,296 --> 00:41:09,759
♪ And when you earn it,
you won't need it ♪
766
00:41:09,842 --> 00:41:11,428
♪ I'm not gonna give you love ♪
767
00:41:11,510 --> 00:41:15,390
♪ Just 'cause I know
that you want me to ♪
768
00:41:15,473 --> 00:41:18,476
♪ ♪
769
00:41:18,559 --> 00:41:21,438
♪ If you want love, then the
love has got to come from you ♪
770
00:41:21,520 --> 00:41:30,238
♪ ♪
771
00:41:30,322 --> 00:41:35,076
[cheers and applause]
772
00:41:35,160 --> 00:41:38,455
- ♪ Walking between
the microphones ♪
773
00:41:38,537 --> 00:41:39,831
♪ Is really awkward ♪
774
00:41:39,914 --> 00:41:42,208
- Tell me about it.
775
00:41:46,629 --> 00:41:48,381
Women are stupid.
776
00:41:51,050 --> 00:41:53,345
Yeah, I fucking said it.
777
00:41:53,428 --> 00:41:56,931
They're the weaker, dumber sex.
I can prove it to you.
778
00:41:57,015 --> 00:41:58,933
I like to practice safe sex.
Why?
779
00:41:59,017 --> 00:42:01,060
'Cause I'm a guy,
and I'm smarter.
780
00:42:01,144 --> 00:42:02,895
What do women say every time?
781
00:42:02,979 --> 00:42:04,897
Every time I put on a condom,
what do they say?
782
00:42:04,981 --> 00:42:06,399
"Why are you wearing a condom
783
00:42:06,483 --> 00:42:07,775
if I'm fucking you
with a strap-on?"
784
00:42:07,859 --> 00:42:09,319
"To be safe, bitch."
785
00:42:09,402 --> 00:42:11,570
Women, right?
They're the dumb ones.
786
00:42:19,120 --> 00:42:20,330
It's time for a story.
787
00:42:20,413 --> 00:42:21,789
Let's do a story.
788
00:42:21,873 --> 00:42:23,333
♪ It's time for a story ♪
789
00:42:23,416 --> 00:42:25,043
♪ It's time for a story ♪
790
00:42:25,126 --> 00:42:28,171
♪ A very special story
especially for you ♪
791
00:42:28,254 --> 00:42:29,755
♪ It's time for a story ♪
792
00:42:29,839 --> 00:42:31,716
♪ It's time for a story ♪
793
00:42:31,799 --> 00:42:33,051
♪ Sit down and listen now ♪
794
00:42:33,134 --> 00:42:34,386
♪ Don't be a Jew ♪
795
00:42:34,469 --> 00:42:35,803
This story is called Andy--
796
00:42:35,887 --> 00:42:37,722
That's a glitch.
You can be Jewish.
797
00:42:37,805 --> 00:42:40,892
This story...
798
00:42:40,975 --> 00:42:42,560
this story is called
Andy the Frog,
799
00:42:42,643 --> 00:42:45,063
featuring long
and convoluted similes.
800
00:42:45,146 --> 00:42:47,982
And I'll warn you when one of
those long, convoluted similes
801
00:42:48,066 --> 00:42:50,693
rears its old head.
So here we go.
802
00:42:50,776 --> 00:42:53,863
Once upon a time,
there was a frog named Andy.
803
00:42:53,946 --> 00:42:55,948
Andy lived
at the Patton Park pond
804
00:42:56,032 --> 00:42:58,910
and had never hopped anywhere
else in his entire frog life.
805
00:42:58,993 --> 00:43:00,328
He had three best friends:
806
00:43:00,412 --> 00:43:03,622
Millie, who never left
her lily pad,
807
00:43:03,706 --> 00:43:06,501
Billy, who was always
hopping mad,
808
00:43:06,584 --> 00:43:09,712
and Roger, who was arrested
for possession of tadpole porn.
809
00:43:09,795 --> 00:43:11,672
So one day--
810
00:43:11,756 --> 00:43:14,050
one day,
Andy saw something
811
00:43:14,133 --> 00:43:15,801
hop across the grass
on the other side of the pond.
812
00:43:15,885 --> 00:43:18,721
"Millie, Billy, Roger, look,"
said Andy.
813
00:43:18,804 --> 00:43:20,265
Across the pond stood
814
00:43:20,348 --> 00:43:22,808
the most beautiful frog
Andy had ever seen.
815
00:43:22,892 --> 00:43:24,685
"She's gorgeous,"
said Millie.
816
00:43:24,769 --> 00:43:27,105
"She's beautiful,"
said Billy.
817
00:43:27,188 --> 00:43:28,689
"Bit old for my taste,"
said Roger.
818
00:43:28,773 --> 00:43:31,901
Classic Roger.
819
00:43:31,984 --> 00:43:33,194
And then she was gone.
820
00:43:33,278 --> 00:43:34,612
"I need to go find her,"
said Andy.
821
00:43:34,695 --> 00:43:36,406
"I need to follow
my little frog heart."
822
00:43:36,489 --> 00:43:38,241
So Andy followed
the beautiful frog's footsteps
823
00:43:38,324 --> 00:43:39,325
into the forest.
824
00:43:39,409 --> 00:43:40,993
He then came across a turtle.
825
00:43:41,077 --> 00:43:43,204
"You can't pass,"
said the turtle.
826
00:43:43,288 --> 00:43:44,705
"Please?" said Andy.
827
00:43:44,789 --> 00:43:46,165
"No," said the turtle.
828
00:43:46,249 --> 00:43:48,501
And this is the first
long, convoluted simile.
829
00:43:48,585 --> 00:43:50,795
Then there was a rustling
in the bushes.
830
00:43:50,878 --> 00:43:53,965
And like a man who had been shot
in the chest with a rifle,
831
00:43:54,048 --> 00:43:57,051
the turtle was shot in the chest
with a rifle.
832
00:44:00,930 --> 00:44:02,807
Andy kept moving,
but at this point,
833
00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,767
like the doctor
of the Kenyan track team,
834
00:44:04,850 --> 00:44:06,936
his patience ran thin.
835
00:44:07,019 --> 00:44:09,063
Andy kept moving.
836
00:44:11,023 --> 00:44:12,733
He then came across
a giant crocodile.
837
00:44:12,817 --> 00:44:14,402
And the crocodile
began to chant,
838
00:44:14,486 --> 00:44:16,571
"I woke up this morning,
and I sat on a log.
839
00:44:16,654 --> 00:44:19,365
I opened up the menu.
The menu said frog."
840
00:44:19,449 --> 00:44:20,992
Andy said,
"No, no.
841
00:44:21,075 --> 00:44:22,452
"Please let go of me.
I can feel myself dying.
842
00:44:22,535 --> 00:44:23,578
"You're ripping out my insides.
843
00:44:23,661 --> 00:44:24,745
"I'm never gonna find her, am I?
844
00:44:24,829 --> 00:44:25,788
"There's no God, is there?
845
00:44:25,871 --> 00:44:27,165
Fuck! Fuck!"
846
00:44:27,248 --> 00:44:28,500
The end.
The end.
847
00:44:28,583 --> 00:44:30,876
So that's the end
of that story.
848
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:33,879
[cheers and applause]
849
00:44:40,052 --> 00:44:42,221
Yeah, if you're curious,
the moral of that story
850
00:44:42,305 --> 00:44:44,349
is irrelevant,
'cause we're humans.
851
00:44:44,432 --> 00:44:47,310
Why would it apply to us?
852
00:44:47,393 --> 00:44:50,229
[laughter]
853
00:44:50,313 --> 00:44:52,064
You know, my father is so hard
to get along with
854
00:44:52,148 --> 00:44:54,108
'cause he's such a man's man,
you know?
855
00:44:54,192 --> 00:44:55,568
He believes, like, for example,
856
00:44:55,652 --> 00:44:57,778
you should always fight fire
with fire,
857
00:44:57,862 --> 00:44:59,656
which is a horrible way
to live your life,
858
00:44:59,738 --> 00:45:01,533
especially for him,
'cause he's a firefighter.
859
00:45:01,616 --> 00:45:04,076
So he was fired.
860
00:45:04,160 --> 00:45:05,786
That was as stupid as we get.
861
00:45:05,870 --> 00:45:08,747
But let's get
a little stupider, huh?
862
00:45:08,831 --> 00:45:10,833
♪ There's a creepy old man
fishing in the park ♪
863
00:45:10,916 --> 00:45:12,418
♪ And the only problem is ♪
864
00:45:12,502 --> 00:45:14,711
♪ He tied a candy bar
to the end of his line ♪
865
00:45:14,795 --> 00:45:17,674
♪ He's trying to catch a kid ♪
866
00:45:17,756 --> 00:45:19,676
You know, that stuff.
867
00:45:19,758 --> 00:45:23,012
Trying to get
a little more mainstream.
868
00:45:23,095 --> 00:45:27,183
[chuckles]
869
00:45:27,266 --> 00:45:29,935
People complain about the way
I act onstage very often.
870
00:45:30,019 --> 00:45:31,896
You know, they say, like,
I repeat jokes.
871
00:45:31,979 --> 00:45:35,024
Or they also say that...
872
00:45:35,107 --> 00:45:37,985
they say--they don't get, again,
that this is an act onstage.
873
00:45:38,069 --> 00:45:40,779
And they think, onstage, I act
too arrogant, too self-obsessed,
874
00:45:40,863 --> 00:45:43,491
solipsistic,
self-contained, synonyms.
875
00:45:43,575 --> 00:45:45,201
And they want me to be--
876
00:45:45,284 --> 00:45:46,743
they want me to be
a comic of the people,
877
00:45:46,827 --> 00:45:48,204
you know, relate to the people
878
00:45:48,287 --> 00:45:50,665
with the overarching glue
of comedy.
879
00:45:50,747 --> 00:45:53,125
So I want to do a little bit of
relatable comedy for you guys.
880
00:45:53,209 --> 00:45:54,460
I'm like you guys.
881
00:45:54,544 --> 00:45:55,752
You know, once a week,
I like to slip
882
00:45:55,836 --> 00:45:57,422
into a deep
existential depression
883
00:45:57,505 --> 00:45:59,131
where I lose all my sense
of oneness and self-worth.
884
00:45:59,215 --> 00:46:00,966
[chuckles] And what I like to do
in order to assure myself
885
00:46:01,050 --> 00:46:02,843
that I am unique
and I'm not just one of many
886
00:46:02,927 --> 00:46:04,136
small, white, indistinguishable,
887
00:46:04,220 --> 00:46:05,930
perfectly cylindric
checker pieces
888
00:46:06,013 --> 00:46:09,601
in Jesus and Satan's
backgammon game is, I will--
889
00:46:09,684 --> 00:46:12,019
I'll say a group of words
that I think no one
890
00:46:12,103 --> 00:46:14,146
has ever said in that order
891
00:46:14,230 --> 00:46:16,649
so that when I say it,
I feel like,
892
00:46:16,733 --> 00:46:18,359
"Look at me, participating
in this new moment
893
00:46:18,443 --> 00:46:20,236
that no one's
ever been a part of."
894
00:46:20,319 --> 00:46:23,822
So I'll say something random,
like, "Peanut butter tribadism."
895
00:46:23,906 --> 00:46:26,618
Or, "I'm your father,
and I loved your comedy show."
896
00:46:26,701 --> 00:46:29,203
[laughter]
897
00:46:32,206 --> 00:46:33,790
Or, "At first,
I wasn't comfortable
898
00:46:33,874 --> 00:46:35,376
"leaving him alone
with my children,
899
00:46:35,460 --> 00:46:36,961
"but then I saw his mustache.
900
00:46:37,044 --> 00:46:39,922
Phew."
901
00:46:40,005 --> 00:46:42,799
Or, "Yo, check out
this Amish Website."
902
00:46:46,053 --> 00:46:47,388
Or, "I work at a tollbooth,
903
00:46:47,472 --> 00:46:48,973
and I don't want
to kill myself."
904
00:46:49,056 --> 00:46:51,350
Or--
that's too real.
905
00:46:54,145 --> 00:46:56,021
Or, "Yo, man, my life's
about three things, man,
906
00:46:56,105 --> 00:46:57,148
"three things:
907
00:46:57,231 --> 00:46:59,024
"getting money, getting pussy,
908
00:46:59,108 --> 00:47:01,860
and the Dewey decimal system."
Or...
909
00:47:08,075 --> 00:47:09,786
Or, "Hey, can you hold
my fanny pack?
910
00:47:09,868 --> 00:47:11,954
I'm gonna go fuck a woman."
911
00:47:12,037 --> 00:47:14,957
[cheers and applause]
912
00:47:23,675 --> 00:47:26,010
If I could break--
913
00:47:26,093 --> 00:47:27,637
I want to thank you all
for being here,
914
00:47:27,720 --> 00:47:30,598
because I'm so grateful
that you'd all come here
915
00:47:30,682 --> 00:47:32,684
and spend an hour
of your time with me.
916
00:47:32,767 --> 00:47:34,644
And if you're watching at home
or whatever
917
00:47:34,727 --> 00:47:37,188
on a computer or something,
if you've made it this far,
918
00:47:37,271 --> 00:47:38,648
thank you very much
for watching.
919
00:47:38,731 --> 00:47:40,566
Genuinely, this is my favorite
thing to do.
920
00:47:40,650 --> 00:47:44,821
And I'm so grateful for people
watching it and enjoying it.
921
00:47:44,903 --> 00:47:48,783
Okay, I will now recede back
into my stage persona.
922
00:47:51,619 --> 00:47:56,081
I just blacked out
for 20 seconds.
923
00:47:56,165 --> 00:47:59,669
Thank you for coming.
924
00:47:59,752 --> 00:48:03,005
Love songs used to be
so beautiful.
925
00:48:03,088 --> 00:48:05,383
You know, "Let us go, then,
you and I,
926
00:48:05,466 --> 00:48:07,468
"when the evening has spread out
against the sky
927
00:48:07,552 --> 00:48:09,220
like a patient etherized
upon a table."
928
00:48:09,303 --> 00:48:11,389
T.S. Eliot, beautiful.
929
00:48:11,472 --> 00:48:14,767
Love songs nowadays,
just as beautiful, guys.
930
00:48:14,851 --> 00:48:19,104
Usher, Justin Bieber,
1D, you know them.
931
00:48:19,188 --> 00:48:20,606
But these new artists--
they've done something
932
00:48:20,690 --> 00:48:22,358
very strange to the format
of the love song.
933
00:48:22,441 --> 00:48:23,942
They've changed it a bit.
934
00:48:24,026 --> 00:48:26,320
And I tried to capture
how they've changed
935
00:48:26,404 --> 00:48:29,365
the format of the love song
with this love song.
936
00:48:29,448 --> 00:48:32,034
I hope you enjoy it
and mark the differences.
937
00:48:32,117 --> 00:48:35,037
[gentle music]
938
00:48:35,120 --> 00:48:37,373
♪ ♪
939
00:48:37,456 --> 00:48:39,709
♪ Jason Derulo ♪
940
00:48:39,792 --> 00:48:41,836
[laughter]
941
00:48:41,918 --> 00:48:46,965
♪ ♪
942
00:48:47,049 --> 00:48:48,467
♪ I love your hair,
I love your name ♪
943
00:48:48,551 --> 00:48:49,594
♪ I love the way you say it ♪
944
00:48:49,677 --> 00:48:51,512
♪ I love your heart ♪
945
00:48:51,596 --> 00:48:52,971
♪ And you're so smart,
'cause you gave away it ♪
946
00:48:53,055 --> 00:48:54,640
♪ I love your sis,
I love your dad ♪
947
00:48:54,724 --> 00:48:56,267
♪ I love your mom,
but more than all of that ♪
948
00:48:56,350 --> 00:48:58,394
♪ I love the fact
that you are dumb enough ♪
949
00:48:58,477 --> 00:49:01,439
♪ To not realize
everything I've said ♪
950
00:49:01,522 --> 00:49:04,066
♪ Has been said before
in 1,000 ways ♪
951
00:49:04,149 --> 00:49:07,695
♪ In 1,000 songs
sung with the same four chords ♪
952
00:49:07,779 --> 00:49:10,406
♪ But you'll still love it
and let me finger you ♪
953
00:49:10,489 --> 00:49:12,825
♪ Yeah, finger you,
finger you ♪
954
00:49:12,909 --> 00:49:16,078
♪ Oh, girl, I hope you
don't think that I'm rude ♪
955
00:49:16,161 --> 00:49:18,664
♪ When I tell you
that I love you, boo ♪
956
00:49:18,748 --> 00:49:21,709
♪ I also hope
that you don't see through ♪
957
00:49:21,793 --> 00:49:24,420
♪ This cleverly
constructed ruse ♪
958
00:49:24,503 --> 00:49:26,380
♪ Designed
by a marketing team ♪
959
00:49:26,464 --> 00:49:29,592
♪ Cashing in on puberty
and low self-esteem ♪
960
00:49:29,675 --> 00:49:34,096
♪ And girls' desperate need
to feel loved ♪
961
00:49:34,179 --> 00:49:37,182
♪ America says
we love a chorus ♪
962
00:49:37,266 --> 00:49:39,894
♪ But don't get complicated
and bore us ♪
963
00:49:39,976 --> 00:49:41,813
♪ Though meaning
might be missing ♪
964
00:49:41,896 --> 00:49:44,774
♪ We need to know the words
after just one listen ♪
965
00:49:44,857 --> 00:49:46,400
♪ So repeat stuff,
repeat stuff ♪
966
00:49:46,484 --> 00:49:49,069
♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff ♪
967
00:49:49,153 --> 00:49:51,614
♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff ♪
968
00:49:51,697 --> 00:49:53,491
♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪
969
00:49:53,574 --> 00:49:55,242
♪ Yeah,
oh, you know it ♪
970
00:49:55,326 --> 00:49:58,913
♪ ♪
971
00:49:58,995 --> 00:50:00,581
♪ I love my baby,
and you know ♪
972
00:50:00,665 --> 00:50:02,082
♪ I couldn't live
without her ♪
973
00:50:02,166 --> 00:50:03,334
♪ But now I need
to make every girl ♪
974
00:50:03,417 --> 00:50:05,210
♪ Think this song's about her ♪
975
00:50:05,294 --> 00:50:07,045
♪ Just to make sure that they
spread it like the plague ♪
976
00:50:07,129 --> 00:50:09,507
♪ So I describe my dream girl
as really, really vague ♪
977
00:50:09,590 --> 00:50:11,258
♪ Like, I love your hands ♪
978
00:50:11,342 --> 00:50:13,009
♪ 'Cause your fingerprints
are like no other ♪
979
00:50:13,093 --> 00:50:14,386
♪ I love your eyes and their ♪
980
00:50:14,470 --> 00:50:16,096
♪ Bluish, brownish,
greenish color ♪
981
00:50:16,180 --> 00:50:18,056
♪ I love it when you smile
that you smile wide ♪
982
00:50:18,140 --> 00:50:20,893
♪ And I love how your torso
has an arm on either side ♪
983
00:50:20,977 --> 00:50:24,271
♪ Now, if you're my agent,
you might be thinking ♪
984
00:50:24,355 --> 00:50:26,983
♪ "Oh, no, sound the alarms ♪
985
00:50:27,107 --> 00:50:29,527
♪ "You're not appealing
to little girls ♪
986
00:50:29,610 --> 00:50:31,278
♪ "Who don't have arms ♪
987
00:50:31,362 --> 00:50:34,323
♪ "But they can't use iTunes,
so fuck them ♪
988
00:50:34,406 --> 00:50:36,158
♪ Who needs them?" ♪
989
00:50:36,241 --> 00:50:37,409
♪ Oh, girl, I-- ♪
990
00:50:37,493 --> 00:50:40,412
Oh, hello, Satan.
991
00:50:42,748 --> 00:50:45,125
Satan, you taste so good.
992
00:50:45,209 --> 00:50:46,752
♪ Repeat stuff,
repeat stuff ♪
993
00:50:46,836 --> 00:50:49,338
♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff,
repeat stuff ♪
994
00:50:49,421 --> 00:50:51,047
Everybody.
995
00:50:51,131 --> 00:50:52,508
all:
♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪
996
00:50:52,591 --> 00:50:54,259
♪ Repeat stuff ♪
- Come on, louder.
997
00:50:54,343 --> 00:50:56,094
I can't hear you.
998
00:50:56,178 --> 00:50:58,430
all: ♪ Repeat stuff,
repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪
999
00:50:58,514 --> 00:51:00,056
♪ Repeat stuff ♪
1000
00:51:00,140 --> 00:51:03,059
[cheers and applause]
1001
00:51:03,143 --> 00:51:11,067
♪ ♪
1002
00:51:13,362 --> 00:51:14,864
Young ones, listen up.
1003
00:51:14,947 --> 00:51:17,867
♪ I'm in magazines ♪
1004
00:51:17,950 --> 00:51:20,452
♪ Full of model teens ♪
1005
00:51:20,536 --> 00:51:23,915
♪ So far above you ♪
1006
00:51:26,417 --> 00:51:30,838
♪ So read them
and hate yourself ♪
1007
00:51:30,922 --> 00:51:35,760
♪ Then pay me to tell you
I love you ♪
1008
00:51:35,843 --> 00:51:38,470
[hoarsely]
I love you.
1009
00:51:38,554 --> 00:51:41,933
♪ And your parents
will always come along ♪
1010
00:51:43,851 --> 00:51:47,229
♪ Because their little girl
is in love ♪
1011
00:51:47,312 --> 00:51:52,317
♪ And how could love
be wrong? ♪
1012
00:51:52,401 --> 00:51:58,198
♪ How could love be wrong? ♪
1013
00:51:58,282 --> 00:52:00,284
♪ When you repeat stuff,
repeat stuff ♪
1014
00:52:00,367 --> 00:52:03,119
♪ Repeat stuff, repeat stuff ♪
[blathers]
1015
00:52:03,203 --> 00:52:06,206
I am a vessel.
666.
1016
00:52:06,290 --> 00:52:08,709
Illuminati.
1017
00:52:08,793 --> 00:52:10,962
♪ We know it's not right ♪
1018
00:52:11,045 --> 00:52:12,838
♪ We know it's not funny ♪
1019
00:52:12,922 --> 00:52:15,382
♪ But we'll stop beating
this dead horse ♪
1020
00:52:15,466 --> 00:52:19,344
♪ When it stops
spitting out money ♪
1021
00:52:19,428 --> 00:52:21,722
♪ But until then ♪
1022
00:52:21,806 --> 00:52:24,767
♪ We will repeat stuff ♪
1023
00:52:24,850 --> 00:52:27,853
[cheers and applause]
1024
00:52:40,365 --> 00:52:41,784
Thank you so much.
1025
00:52:41,867 --> 00:52:45,788
You guys have been
absolutely amazing.
1026
00:52:45,871 --> 00:52:47,205
You've been
absolutely amazing.
1027
00:52:47,289 --> 00:52:49,165
That's the end of the show.
1028
00:52:49,249 --> 00:52:51,794
I probably should've ended it
on a sort of higher note there.
1029
00:52:51,877 --> 00:52:53,420
But, yeah,
that's the end of what.
1030
00:52:53,504 --> 00:52:54,630
I hope you liked it.
1031
00:52:54,713 --> 00:52:57,508
- Bo, oh, my God.
How are you?
1032
00:52:57,591 --> 00:52:59,760
I haven't seen you
since, like, freshman year.
1033
00:52:59,844 --> 00:53:01,428
Oh, my God.
1034
00:53:01,512 --> 00:53:04,098
You were so, like, skinny
and weird back then.
1035
00:53:04,180 --> 00:53:06,391
But now you're--
1036
00:53:06,475 --> 00:53:09,979
Anyway, you should totally come
to this party I'm having tonight
1037
00:53:10,062 --> 00:53:12,106
with a bunch
of my college friends.
1038
00:53:12,188 --> 00:53:14,316
It's gonna be
off the chain hook.
1039
00:53:14,399 --> 00:53:15,901
It's gonna be so good.
1040
00:53:15,985 --> 00:53:18,654
You can play some songs for us
or something.
1041
00:53:18,737 --> 00:53:20,114
I've been telling everybody
1042
00:53:20,196 --> 00:53:24,451
how good of friends we were
back in the day.
1043
00:53:24,535 --> 00:53:27,163
I know we never talked
or hung out ever.
1044
00:53:27,245 --> 00:53:30,290
But I think that's what made
our friendship so special,
1045
00:53:30,374 --> 00:53:31,458
you know?
1046
00:53:31,542 --> 00:53:32,543
Anyway, text me.
1047
00:53:32,626 --> 00:53:34,170
Okay, bye.
1048
00:53:34,252 --> 00:53:35,504
- Mr. Burnham.
1049
00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:37,715
How you doing?
Good? Good.
1050
00:53:37,798 --> 00:53:40,634
I'm an agent
from out in Los Angeles.
1051
00:53:40,718 --> 00:53:42,344
Really dig your stuff, man.
1052
00:53:42,427 --> 00:53:44,847
It's out there, you know.
I totally get it.
1053
00:53:44,930 --> 00:53:48,059
And the best part about it, man,
you got all these young fans,
1054
00:53:48,142 --> 00:53:51,145
which is great, because young
people--they're very passionate,
1055
00:53:51,227 --> 00:53:53,689
and they're
very reliable consumers.
1056
00:53:53,772 --> 00:53:55,231
But what you got to do
1057
00:53:55,315 --> 00:53:56,984
in order to take your career
to the next level,
1058
00:53:57,068 --> 00:53:58,819
you got to cater
more heavily to them.
1059
00:53:58,903 --> 00:54:00,112
All right, we've done studies.
1060
00:54:00,196 --> 00:54:02,238
Young people do not respond
to this,
1061
00:54:02,322 --> 00:54:04,075
you know,
introspective material
1062
00:54:04,158 --> 00:54:06,869
or these challenges
to the form, you know.
1063
00:54:06,952 --> 00:54:09,580
Young people want jokes
they can relate to, okay?
1064
00:54:09,663 --> 00:54:13,000
So write a silly song
about Facebook, you know?
1065
00:54:13,084 --> 00:54:15,753
Write some jokes about Twitter
1066
00:54:15,836 --> 00:54:19,590
or sugary cereals
or Razor scooters.
1067
00:54:19,673 --> 00:54:20,883
Relate to them.
1068
00:54:20,966 --> 00:54:22,467
You know, also,
you got to reestablish
1069
00:54:22,551 --> 00:54:24,386
your presence on the Internet,
buddy, all right?
1070
00:54:24,469 --> 00:54:26,346
It's not important whether
the material's good or not.
1071
00:54:26,430 --> 00:54:27,681
What's important
is that you keep
1072
00:54:27,765 --> 00:54:30,184
the Bo Burnham brand
alive and well.
1073
00:54:30,266 --> 00:54:31,852
You get it?
Cool.
1074
00:54:31,936 --> 00:54:33,478
We'll discuss more later.
I know it's a lot.
1075
00:54:33,562 --> 00:54:36,690
My number
is 310-555...
1076
00:54:36,774 --> 00:54:39,359
[mumbles]
1077
00:54:39,443 --> 00:54:40,652
- Fag.
1078
00:54:40,736 --> 00:54:41,820
What up, dude?
What's up?
1079
00:54:41,904 --> 00:54:43,321
How are you, man?
1080
00:54:43,405 --> 00:54:45,407
You've changed, bro.
1081
00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:48,244
You've changed.
I never knew you.
1082
00:54:48,326 --> 00:54:50,037
But my friend's
old roommate's friend
1083
00:54:50,121 --> 00:54:52,706
said he knew you in high school,
and you became a real asshole
1084
00:54:52,790 --> 00:54:54,583
once all this comedy stuff
started happening.
1085
00:54:54,666 --> 00:54:57,044
What is it, man?
You think you're better than us?
1086
00:54:57,128 --> 00:54:59,130
You think you're better than us
just 'cause you're tall?
1087
00:54:59,213 --> 00:55:01,757
Well, congrats, man.
You're tall.
1088
00:55:01,840 --> 00:55:03,842
Wow.
It's incredible.
1089
00:55:03,926 --> 00:55:06,095
You want a trophy
for being tall?
1090
00:55:06,178 --> 00:55:08,597
We should just give trophies
to tall things.
1091
00:55:08,680 --> 00:55:11,600
Then every tree and building
will have a trophy.
1092
00:55:11,683 --> 00:55:14,519
Does that make sense?
1093
00:55:14,603 --> 00:55:17,397
Yo, why are you acting all quiet
and weird right now?
1094
00:55:17,481 --> 00:55:19,357
Yo, I know why you are.
1095
00:55:19,441 --> 00:55:21,317
It's 'cause you're an arrogant
prick, that's why,
1096
00:55:21,401 --> 00:55:23,154
an arrogant fucking prick.
1097
00:55:23,237 --> 00:55:24,947
I once heard
that you actually act quiet
1098
00:55:25,030 --> 00:55:27,532
because you're shy
and introverted in real life
1099
00:55:27,616 --> 00:55:29,160
and that people
shouldn't expect you
1100
00:55:29,243 --> 00:55:31,327
to act the same way offstage
as you do onstage.
1101
00:55:31,411 --> 00:55:33,289
[laughs]
Yeah.
1102
00:55:33,371 --> 00:55:35,331
Yeah, that makes no sense.
1103
00:55:35,415 --> 00:55:37,835
Anyway, you want to buy
some weed?
1104
00:55:37,918 --> 00:55:41,797
- Bo, oh, my God.
1105
00:55:41,880 --> 00:55:45,383
Bo, oh, my God.
1106
00:55:45,467 --> 00:55:48,929
Bo.
Bo.
1107
00:55:49,013 --> 00:55:53,475
Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo, Bo.
1108
00:55:53,558 --> 00:55:55,769
Oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
1109
00:55:55,853 --> 00:55:57,104
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
1110
00:55:57,188 --> 00:55:59,148
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
1111
00:55:59,231 --> 00:56:00,440
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
1112
00:56:00,524 --> 00:56:02,818
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
1113
00:56:02,901 --> 00:56:04,195
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
1114
00:56:04,278 --> 00:56:06,238
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mr. Burnham.
1115
00:56:06,322 --> 00:56:07,739
- Bo, Bo.
- Fag.
1116
00:56:07,823 --> 00:56:08,949
- Bo, oh, my God.
1117
00:56:09,033 --> 00:56:10,075
- Mister--
- Fag.
1118
00:56:10,159 --> 00:56:11,327
- Mister--Mister--
- Fag.
1119
00:56:11,409 --> 00:56:13,245
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Mister--
1120
00:56:13,329 --> 00:56:14,330
- Fag.
- Mister--Mister--
1121
00:56:14,412 --> 00:56:15,371
- Fag.
- Bo.
1122
00:56:15,455 --> 00:56:16,498
- Fag.
- Oh, my God.
1123
00:56:16,581 --> 00:56:17,499
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
1124
00:56:17,582 --> 00:56:18,625
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
1125
00:56:18,709 --> 00:56:19,960
Mr. Burnham.
- Fag. Fag.
1126
00:56:20,044 --> 00:56:20,961
- Oh, my God.
- Fag.
1127
00:56:21,045 --> 00:56:22,087
Fag.
- Mi--mi--
1128
00:56:22,171 --> 00:56:23,339
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
1129
00:56:23,421 --> 00:56:24,380
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
1130
00:56:24,464 --> 00:56:25,841
- Fag.
- Mi--mi--
1131
00:56:25,924 --> 00:56:27,926
- Fag.
- I am Satan, lord of darkness.
1132
00:56:28,010 --> 00:56:29,427
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Fag.
1133
00:56:29,511 --> 00:56:30,595
- Mr. Burnham.
- Fag.
1134
00:56:30,679 --> 00:56:32,388
- Bo.
- Fag.
1135
00:56:32,472 --> 00:56:34,058
- Oh, my God.
1136
00:56:34,141 --> 00:56:36,476
[insects chirping]
1137
00:56:36,560 --> 00:56:37,769
- Fag.
- Bo.
1138
00:56:37,853 --> 00:56:38,854
- Fag.
- Oh, my God.
1139
00:56:38,937 --> 00:56:39,980
- Mr. Burnham.
- Fag.
1140
00:56:40,064 --> 00:56:41,273
- Bo.
- Fag.
1141
00:56:41,357 --> 00:56:42,398
- Bo, oh, my God.
- Fag.
1142
00:56:42,482 --> 00:56:43,817
- Mr. Burnham.
- Fag.
1143
00:56:43,901 --> 00:56:44,818
- Bo.
[impact sounds]
1144
00:56:44,902 --> 00:56:45,944
- Hey.
1145
00:56:46,028 --> 00:56:47,779
- Hey.
- What the hell?
1146
00:56:47,863 --> 00:56:49,489
- Hey.
- Hey.
1147
00:56:49,573 --> 00:56:51,449
- You're not gonna hit the girl?
1148
00:56:51,533 --> 00:56:53,369
That's sexist.
- F-f-f-fag.
1149
00:56:53,451 --> 00:56:55,120
- Mister--Mi--Mi--Mister--
- Bo, Bo.
1150
00:56:55,204 --> 00:56:56,705
- We think you've changed, bro.
1151
00:56:56,788 --> 00:56:57,831
- We know best.
1152
00:56:57,915 --> 00:56:59,166
- You suck.
1153
00:56:59,250 --> 00:57:00,458
- We think you've changed, bro.
1154
00:57:00,542 --> 00:57:01,543
- We know best.
1155
00:57:01,626 --> 00:57:03,254
- You suck.
- We think--
1156
00:57:03,337 --> 00:57:04,755
- We know--
- You.
1157
00:57:04,838 --> 00:57:05,881
- We think--
- We know--
1158
00:57:05,964 --> 00:57:06,882
- You.
- We think--
1159
00:57:06,965 --> 00:57:08,175
- We know--
- You.
1160
00:57:08,259 --> 00:57:09,176
- We think--
- We know--
1161
00:57:09,260 --> 00:57:10,594
- You.
- We think--
1162
00:57:10,677 --> 00:57:11,845
- We know--
- You.
1163
00:57:11,929 --> 00:57:12,971
- We think--
- We know--
1164
00:57:13,055 --> 00:57:14,098
- You.
- We think--
1165
00:57:14,181 --> 00:57:15,431
- We know--
- You.
1166
00:57:15,515 --> 00:57:16,641
- We think--
- We know--
1167
00:57:16,725 --> 00:57:18,143
- You.
- We think--
1168
00:57:18,227 --> 00:57:19,270
- We know--
- You.
1169
00:57:19,353 --> 00:57:20,312
- We think--
- We know--
1170
00:57:20,396 --> 00:57:21,730
- You.
- We think--
1171
00:57:21,813 --> 00:57:23,023
- We know--
- You.
1172
00:57:23,107 --> 00:57:24,066
- We think--
- We know--
1173
00:57:24,149 --> 00:57:25,234
- You.
- We think--
1174
00:57:25,317 --> 00:57:26,693
- We know--
- You.
1175
00:57:26,777 --> 00:57:27,903
- We think--
- We know--
1176
00:57:27,986 --> 00:57:29,029
- You.
- We think--
1177
00:57:29,113 --> 00:57:30,281
- We know--
- You.
1178
00:57:30,364 --> 00:57:31,365
- We think--
- We know--
1179
00:57:31,448 --> 00:57:32,866
- You.
- We think--
1180
00:57:32,950 --> 00:57:33,992
- We know--
- You.
1181
00:57:34,076 --> 00:57:35,035
- We think-
- We know--
1182
00:57:35,119 --> 00:57:36,412
- You.
- We think--
1183
00:57:36,494 --> 00:57:37,537
- We know--
- You.
1184
00:57:37,621 --> 00:57:38,705
- We think--
- We know--
1185
00:57:38,789 --> 00:57:40,040
- You.
- We think--
1186
00:57:40,124 --> 00:57:41,292
- We know--
- You.
1187
00:57:41,375 --> 00:57:42,459
- We think--
- We know--
1188
00:57:42,542 --> 00:57:43,794
- You.
- We think--
1189
00:57:43,877 --> 00:57:45,254
- We know--
- You.
1190
00:57:45,337 --> 00:57:46,380
- We think--
- We know--
1191
00:57:46,463 --> 00:57:47,423
- You.
- We think--
1192
00:57:47,505 --> 00:57:48,840
- We know--
- You.
1193
00:57:48,924 --> 00:57:50,926
[electronic music]
1194
00:57:51,009 --> 00:57:52,010
- We think--
- We know--
1195
00:57:52,094 --> 00:57:53,137
- You.
- We think--
1196
00:57:53,220 --> 00:57:54,930
- We know--
- You.
1197
00:57:55,013 --> 00:57:56,307
all:
♪ We think we know you ♪
1198
00:57:56,390 --> 00:57:57,891
♪ We think we know you ♪
1199
00:57:57,975 --> 00:57:59,684
♪ We think we know you ♪
1200
00:57:59,768 --> 00:58:02,313
♪ We think we know you ♪
1201
00:58:02,396 --> 00:58:03,688
♪ We think we know you ♪
1202
00:58:03,772 --> 00:58:05,316
♪ We think we know you ♪
1203
00:58:05,399 --> 00:58:06,900
♪ We think we know you ♪
1204
00:58:06,984 --> 00:58:08,693
- Mister--Mister--
Mister--
1205
00:58:08,777 --> 00:58:11,238
Mister.
1206
00:58:11,322 --> 00:58:12,739
- Bo, oh, my God.
1207
00:58:12,823 --> 00:58:15,492
Bo, oh, my God.
Bo.
1208
00:58:15,575 --> 00:58:18,620
♪ Oh, my God ♪
1209
00:58:18,703 --> 00:58:22,374
♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪
1210
00:58:22,458 --> 00:58:24,335
♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪
1211
00:58:24,418 --> 00:58:25,836
- ♪ Fag, fag ♪
1212
00:58:25,919 --> 00:58:27,545
- ♪ Bo ♪
- ♪ Fag, fag ♪
1213
00:58:27,629 --> 00:58:29,714
- ♪ Oh, my God ♪
- ♪ Fag, fag ♪
1214
00:58:29,798 --> 00:58:31,883
- ♪ Bo, oh, my God ♪
- ♪ Fag, fag, fag ♪
1215
00:58:31,967 --> 00:58:33,718
♪ Fag, fag ♪
- ♪ Bo, Bo ♪
1216
00:58:33,802 --> 00:58:36,805
- ♪ Fag, fag ♪
- ♪ Bo, Bo ♪
1217
00:58:36,888 --> 00:58:39,141
♪ ♪
1218
00:58:39,224 --> 00:58:42,436
♪ Oh, my God ♪
1219
00:58:42,519 --> 00:58:45,522
♪ Oh, my God ♪
1220
00:58:45,605 --> 00:58:49,943
♪ Oh, my God ♪
1221
00:58:50,027 --> 00:58:52,737
♪ Oh, my God ♪
1222
00:58:52,821 --> 00:58:55,740
♪ Oh, my God ♪
- ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪
1223
00:58:55,824 --> 00:58:57,742
♪ Mr. Burnham ♪
1224
00:58:57,826 --> 00:59:01,205
- ♪ Oh, my God ♪
- ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪
1225
00:59:01,288 --> 00:59:04,749
- ♪ Oh, my God ♪
- ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪
1226
00:59:04,833 --> 00:59:08,962
- ♪ Oh, my God ♪
- ♪ Mr. Burnham ♪
1227
00:59:09,046 --> 00:59:10,630
Mr. Burnham.
1228
00:59:10,714 --> 00:59:12,007
[cheers and applause]
1229
00:59:12,090 --> 00:59:14,551
- Bo, you going to school
in the fall?
1230
00:59:14,634 --> 00:59:17,388
- What?
- You going to school this year?
1231
00:59:17,471 --> 00:59:20,432
- No.
You leave, and I'll go--
1232
00:59:20,516 --> 00:59:23,185
and I'll stay at my school.
1233
00:59:23,268 --> 00:59:24,269
- Yeah, right.
1234
00:59:24,353 --> 00:59:25,937
Who's your teacher gonna be?
1235
00:59:26,021 --> 00:59:27,439
- Mrs. Blanket.
1236
00:59:27,523 --> 00:59:28,524
- Who?
1237
00:59:28,606 --> 00:59:30,317
- Mrs. Blanket.
1238
00:59:30,401 --> 00:59:31,860
- Mrs. Boynton?
1239
00:59:31,943 --> 00:59:36,490
- No, Mrs. Boynton
is gonna be Mrs. Blanket.
1240
00:59:36,573 --> 00:59:37,991
- Oh.
1241
00:59:38,075 --> 00:59:40,244
- That's my friend, Mrs.--
1242
00:59:40,327 --> 00:59:42,704
That's my teacher,
Mrs. Blanket.
1243
00:59:42,787 --> 00:59:46,666
And that's my teacher,
Mrs. Blanket.
1244
00:59:46,750 --> 00:59:50,421
- Bosy, what do you think
you're gonna do at school?
1245
00:59:50,504 --> 00:59:52,130
- Oh...
1246
00:59:52,214 --> 00:59:53,715
I'm gonna bring Jell-O
1247
00:59:53,798 --> 00:59:55,884
and a fruit snack
1248
00:59:55,967 --> 00:59:59,221
and Tinker Bell
1249
00:59:59,304 --> 01:00:03,350
and all my stuff
1250
01:00:03,434 --> 01:00:06,103
and all my stuff
and banana and apple--
1251
01:00:06,186 --> 01:00:07,812
- Yeah, I know.
You're gonna eat some snacks.
1252
01:00:07,896 --> 01:00:09,523
But what else
are you gonna do there?
91304
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