Original subtitles

In the fire is where I'll stay

I believe in magic

The magic is that you believe in me

And it's all the love I need

All the love I need

Cathy Shields. Let me look at you. Have you grown up since last summer?

It's about time. I was beginning to think I'd never need a bra.

So, how many this year?

Well, it's 10. There's you, Bob, Wade, Jack,

and Susan from last year. And Elizabeth Randall.

So, what does Bob, Jack, and Susan think of me being supervisor of this summer staff?

Bob said he'd enjoy working under you, no matter what his position.

Doesn't he wish?

What about Jack?

Well, Jack said he feels it's a man's position rather than a woman's position.

According to him, a woman's position is on her back.

That's Jack.

Right.

And Susan, well, Susan...

Susan acted like a first-class bitch.

Mr. Parker wouldn't like to hear his niece referred to as a first-class bitch.

You're right. You're right.

There's nothing first-class about Susan.

All I need.

And it's all the love I need.

You?

Well, not exactly.

So, you know what I mean. Of course, I'm more

excited about starting college this fall.

There are over 12,000 boys at the University

of Missouri. You know what I mean?

Well, sort of.

Good, because, you know, the next four years are

probably the most important years of your life.

I mean, never again will we be around so many eligible boys.

Or, well, in your case, girls, that is, I assume.

You look like an undergrad.

Yeah, well, I'll be a freshman this year.

Turn in.

You, get my bags.

No.

Then they're your responsibility.

Look.

Why is it I can never meet a man who's that horny?

Why's your daddy so insistent that you take this job anyway?

You'll never make enough money to pay him back for the Ferrari.

Says he wants to teach me the value of money.

Fat chance.

That's the spirit.

Now, that's a ragtag group if I ever saw one.

You are going to have your work cut out for you.

Well, it's showtime.

Go get them.

Welcome to Parker's Racquet Club. I'm Kathy Shields, your boss.

I'm your mentor if you bust your butt, and your nightmare if you screw up.

This is my third summer here, and I want to tell you that

you're about to begin one of the all-time great summer jobs.

There are over 600 job applicants, and you are the lucky winners.

It'll be hard work, but it'll be fun.

That is, as long as you don't cross me.

Now, line up with your luggage in front of you.

It's not like you to travel without luggage, Susan.

It's in my car. I'll get it later.

I want everyone to introduce themselves so we can start getting to know each other.

For example, I'm a senior in business administration at UCLA, so

this is my last summer here, and I plan to make the most of it.

And the best way for me to do that is to run a tight ship.

Any questions?

Yeah. Any boyfriends?

Yes, and I'm faithful. Go.

Bob Wade, Northwestern.

Future movie star.

And an all-around nice guy.

Currently a junior in theater arts.

This is my second summer here.

Susan Cutts, Radcliffe, junior, marketing.

It's my second summer also.

Jack Farley from the glorious University of Texas.

I'm a junior, and I'm majoring in broads, booze, and business.

Year two.

Herman Rigsby. I'll be a freshman at Oregon State.

And I was thinking of majoring in politics. Maybe.

Ha! You look more suited towards animal husbandry than me.

You can find an animal that'll have him.

I'm Bruce Woods from Boulder.

Starting at Colorado University this fall.

And I haven't the slightest idea of what I'm majoring in.

How about home ec?

Bardo.

Hi, I'm Karen Boswick from St. Louis.

I'll be a freshman at Missouri, and I'm going for my MRS,

and maybe my master's in oncology.

I'm Barbara Goetz of the Baltimore Goetz.

I'm not sure if I'm going to college or not this fall.

With all of Daddy's money, I really don't need a college education.

But if I do go, it'll be to a very exclusive school.

And who are the Bobsy twins?

They weren't for me.

None anymore. Your Daddy called.

He said they are to be back in Baltimore tomorrow with the limo.

Or, to quote him, they'll have something new crammed up their asses.

I'm Donna McKay, University of Hawaii.

Sophomore in oceanography, as in water dog, beach bum, wave jockey.

If it's in the water, I got water in it. Well, I'm into it.

Hey, a hot tub, honey.

We seem to be short one.

Coming!

Tom Macklin, University of California, Berkeley.

The cradle of civilization, if you will, ma'am.

Sophomore in poli sci, with a minor in engineering.

If you will, ma'am.

Sophomore in poli sci, with a minor in anything radical.

Sorry I'm late, but my car broke down, and I had to hijack a bus.

I don't need a wise guy, Macklin.

Okay, boys dorm up there, girls dorm over there.

Dorm? How disgusting.

Stash your gear, slip into uniform, and let's do the indoctrination stroll.

Herman, would you do me a favor?

What?

Herman, when I packed these suitcases, I had no idea

that I would actually have to lift these heavy suitcases.

If you help me, I'll do something nice, something real nice for you, sometime.

Thanks, sweetie.

Herman, when we finish the tour, will you

do me a favor and grab my bags from the car?

They're far too heavy for little old me.

Yeah, but...

THE BEST PART OF THE TOUR

Which one of these uniforms are we supposed to wear?

Depends on which job you're assigned. They don't matter.

So, uh, what's the story on Kat?

She's hot. I always wanted a girlfriend like her.

The story is, don't waste your time.

She's mine.

She already has a boyfriend.

Hey, did you guys ever meet a beautiful girl that didn't have a boyfriend?

That's right. Them wide-eyed little fillies are just longing

for a new master to come along and climb in and settle.

Like that surfer chick I picked up hitching.

She told me she had an old man back home, and then she started coming on to me.

Really?

Really!

Well, I think all the guys are pretty cute.

There's nothing to write a dear John about.

Especially Jack. That jerk tried every old line and hustle he could think of.

Nothing new or creative or sincere.

Well, that's okay with me. I mean, a boy's a boy.

Well, I'm gonna keep my eye out for a wealthy guest.

I doubt that even the guests are up to my social standards.

So, how did Daddy Dearest make his money?

Well...

Oh, shit!

Get out of the way!

Oh, shit!

Idiot!

Oh, there goes!

I'm gonna throw something at her!

Get out!

On behalf of our regular staff, welcome.

You have a lot of work out there ahead of you. No one's ever died from it.

That is, not until now.

There is one tradition, though, I'd like to make you aware of.

And that is, this summer, you do a good job, you don't destroy the hotel.

We don't drive any customers away.

The staff will host any kind of farewell party you'd like.

Last year's was long on promise, and short on delivery.

Last year, those were the very same words the girls used to describe you.

I'm sorry.

This is our Tiki Bar, and this is our lovely pool.

Oh, yeah. What can you see those European women?

Topless.

Man, look at this beautiful spot.

This is the kitchen.

Ah, cookie!

And this is Mr. Jacobs, our social director.

How you doing today?

Yeah, beautiful.

Hey, look at that guy.

Nice.

What are you doing?

I'm working.

And this is one of our regular gorgeous sunsets.

Okay, everyone, listen up.

Get a good night's rest.

I'll post your starting assignment shortly.

Remember, if you don't give me any trouble,

you'll get the beach, the pool, or room service.

That's where the tips are.

Screw up, and you'll spend your summer in the kitchen.

See you in the morning.

Hey, where's she going?

The same place I'm going to be tonight.

Her room.

Slut.

Hey, guys.

Stick with me, and I will make your summer unforgettable.

Hell, I know all the ins and outs in this place.

But you can forget Kathy Shields.

She is mine.

I spent the entire school year planning on

how I'm going to get this broad in the sack.

And I am not.

I spent the entire school year planning on

how I'm going to get this broad in the sack.

And I am not going to have any interference from you.

Understand?

I think we have a serious problem, Mr. Wade.

I have no intentions of recognizing your

hands-off victim of the lovely Miss Shields.

Quite the contrary.

I'm tossing my rubber in the ring.

Hold on there.

Hold on there, Pards.

Hey, hey.

We need to pull together like a team here.

Now, you stick with Bob and me, and by the end of the summer,

we'll all be driving Cadillacs with gorgeous honeys at our side, all right?

Sounds good to me.

Just tell me what you want, and count on me doing it.

But now, I've got to go.

Hey, where are you going there, little partner?

Susan asked me to do something for her.

Oh, yeah.

Well, I've got to go.

I suppose we can count you in on the team, too.

You look like a reasonable guy.

Yep, I'm reasonable.

But I'm not a joiner.

Well, hey, all we're asking you to do is go along with the program.

I'm not into programs, whatever that is.

Hey, I am just trying to work for a little harmony.

If Fatso is not with us, then he's against us.

Look, a fat guy should not like enemies this fast.

But if you want it, you've got it!

I can't believe all the guys are after Kathy.

I mean, what are we supposed to do?

We'll do fine.

I thought Kathy was a little pushy with all her rules.

I don't understand why they chose her over me.

I'm more intelligent, more beautiful, and more charming.

And certainly more modest.

Rules don't mean a flying fuck to me.

I do what I want, when I want.

Yeah, I don't care who runs the show, as long as I get a boy.

I fully expect to be in charge of this circus by the end of the summer.

Kathy is not smart enough not to screw up somewhere.

I don't care which guy I get, as long as I get one.

Yeah, fuck the politics.

Michael?

Oh, I miss you too.

No, none of the boys are cute here.

What about you? Any new girls in town?

Yeah, I'm thinking about you too.

Yeah?

I'll do you double.

Oh, I love you too.

Okay, goodbye.

Fuck off.

You're back, Mrs. Susan. One more to go.

Get out of here.

No way.

Oh, damn.

We're the cuckoos.

Can you be a good boy?

We don't want to have a problem.

Come on.

We've got to go.

We're back.

You know what?

All right.

Okay.

Hey.

We've got to go.

Get him out of here.

Hey.

Give me something.

Get him out.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

What happened to you?

The girls raped me.

We can't let the girls get away with this.

I didn't mind.

I hope so.

I just got this week's assignments.

You've been demoted to the kitchen.

It was worth it.

Well, Mr. Maplin.

Round one goes to me.

It seems I got to pick the lifeguard

while you, on the other hand,

will be waiting tables poolside.

What about me?

Prime duty.

Get the pool along with Lana and a bomb.

Susan.

And me?

Cass Shetty, room service.

I wanted to be a lifeguard.

Fat chance.

But it is better than kitchen duty.

How can you be so happy

about drawing kitchen duty?

Have you ever had five gorgeous,

nearly nude women strip off your clothes?

Hey, do you want me to put some sunblock on for you?

No, I'm fine.

But your back's looking a little red.

Would you?

Sure.

Sorry.

Listen.

Why don't we go back to my place

and do this with baby oil?

You're just an old-fashioned romantic, aren't you?

I try to make every girl feel like

she is the only girl in the world.

Uh-huh.

Back to work.

Yes, ma'am.

Think so, folks.

Must be the chicken guts or the pig brains.

Fix it.

What's the matter?

You got a delicate stomach or something?

Tell you what.

Give me a big kiss,

and I'll have somebody else fix it.

Some choice.

Oh, my God. I work here.

Nothing, all right.

What's the matter with those waiters?

I've never seen a thing like it.

We got to figure out a system to back each other up.

Good idea.

I'm going to get switched to a cooler outfit during my break.

It's hot out here.

Hot? You don't know hot.

It's 200 degrees in that kitchen.

The plastic forks have melted down.

How's it going with Cookie?

Well, it's not so bad once you realize

she's, like, senile, demented, and psychotic.

Maybe we haven't got so bad after all, you know?

Those orders are for room service, sweetie.

I'll take this one.

What's she up to?

She tries to take all the big-tip orders.

God, what happened to you?

Sexual harassment in the kitchen.

Room service.

Ugh!

I never get any good tips.

I wonder what's going on.

That's the second ambulance today.

Who cares as long as they ain't coming to our pool.

Yeah, no action is the best action.

Besides, I'd hate to ruin my hair.

Yeah, I suppose, since...

I should have put some charge in the pool.

Aw, shit.

Hold this.

Oh, my God!

Okay, listen up for next week's assignments.

Tom and Bob will switch positions.

It didn't last too long, old buddy.

Ah, until Bob gets over his sunburn.

Donna will replace Susan...

until she's over her dizzy spells.

Let's see.

Susan will move to room service, replacing Barbara, who...

Wait a minute. I'm not working poolside.

That's too hard for me. I like room service.

And you did get a lot of compliments and reorders requesting you.

By men, of course.

Then I should be rewarded, not punished.

Hmm. Okay.

Report to the social director.

There's a group of wealthy young men going on a boat tour.

You'll be their guide.

Everybody else keeps the same jobs.

Well, who wants to celebrate our first paychecks?

Oh, gee.

Oh, Michael, I miss you, too.

I wish you were here with me right now.

I'm in the tub, all foamy and squeaky clean.

Oh, I wish you'd climb in with me.

Just imagine. Close your eyes.

Yeah, we could do that.

I like that, too.

And I could nibble on you.

Whoa!

Where'd you come up with that one?

Oh, well, keep reading.

Oh, is there someone there with you?

Hey, just because your parents walk in doesn't

mean you have to stop talking dirty to me.

So tell me what you'd like to do.

Come on, chicken. Tell me.

Oh, I love you, too.

Want to hear how I'd do it?

Okay, tomorrow.

Bye.

Did I catch you...

at a bad time?

That's all right. Sit down.

I wanted to talk to you about my job.

Yes?

It ain't the tips on good in-room service.

I want to be a lifeguard.

I gotta be straight with you, okay?

That's why I'm here.

Two reasons.

First, you don't have your lifeguard certificate.

I can work on that. What's number two?

The resort likes their lifeguards to be...

attractive.

To be...

fit...

and trim.

And...

to be perfectly honest with you, Bruce...

you look more like a...

a Pillsbury Doughboy.

Maybe I can change over.

I see they've sent their best to shepherd this goose.

Nothing but the best for the young wealth of America.

You can prove that by me.

Could you get that from your back, Zack? I'm a big old...

Old man's way.

Hard sack, man. Let's see.

I got the guest list over here on the clipboard.

I want to point out a couple of things to you.

Oh, look, you have a customer.

Why don't you have Mr. Jacob show you the cove? It's so romantic this time of day.

How'd you know that?

May I help you, ma'am?

This is more like it. Directing a cruise with wealthy young men.

Well, man, is that a rocking horse?

I bet you the chick out of everything...

I want to go. I want to go.

Cookie, I just need that yellow...

Yellow, I'll get it.

Don't fight it. It's bigger than both of us.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait.

Wait a minute. We didn't even order this.

What's this?

Oh, no, no, no.

No.

Oh, it's time for you to get out of here.

Get out of here.

No.

Leave me.

Come here.

We met a woman. Wish you'd heard it sooner.

Somebody seen her. Obviously it was more than a handyman did.

But you can tell that you knew this man very well.

So then you waited, waited such a long time.

Anticipating every second, hoping that the moment would come.

Anytime. Not a thing. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, um, I can come see you later. Why not?

So, uh, what is it I can do for you?

Uh, I'll be back in a minute. I'll see you guys in a little while.

So who's the date with?

Three broads that showed their boobs today.

Three? Well, maybe we'd better come along and help.

I don't need any help. When it comes to women, I am the old pro.

So you're really gonna hog all three of them, aren't you?

Excess is, uh, best.

So where are you gonna meet them tonight?

Tiki Bar.

Well, uh, what do you reckon they'll have on

tonight, considering the way you first saw them?

I don't know what they're coming in. I sure as hell know what they're gonna leave in.

You're, uh, pretty confident, aren't you?

Years of practice.

Stop it!

Well, uh, Tom, you're gonna be just a little late.

I'm gonna keep an eye on Tom, old buddy.

You should have known those girls would stand up, Bob.

You're such a dick, man.

Let's go to the bar and see what's going on.

It ain't a pretty sight.

Yeah, but it is a big improvement over the past couple weeks.

Yeah, I reckon so.

Hand me another beer.

Mind if I join you?

I just want to be alone.

I was just trying to be friendly. I wanted to get to know you a little.

I'm sorry.

Why so blue?

You may not understand this, but sometimes it's lonely being in love.

Yeah, that's something us fat kids don't know much about.

Probably because we don't have any feelings.

Hey, I'm sorry. Can we start again?

Sure. Mind if I join you?

I'd like that.

Hey, if it isn't the surf queen.

What you doing?

Oh, just chilling.

What are you doing?

Oh, just thinking about the big waves back home.

Must be one of those nights.

For all of us.

There you are.

That was a pretty dirty trick, sticking me

with all those little farm fat kids all week.

I suppose you'd rather have a job that better fits your station in life.

Right. And don't forget, I can pull some strings if things don't go the way I want.

Okay.

Oh, hello Mrs. Underwood.

Well if you want a sight.

My Jenny said that you said you were going to Europe for the summer.

I decided this would be more broadening.

Well, I can't wait to tell her of your decision.

Tell her I said hello.

She is working!

Guess who?

Well, I can tell you're a man and a friendly one at that.

Or there's a pickle in your pocket.

Jack!

No.

No?

Tom?

Guess again.

Bob?

Surprise!

Oh, yeah!

You're brave, you're gorgeous, and I'm in love.

I'll save you.

Wait.

Man, you sure pack a punch.

Well, I wouldn't have done that to you because I think you're cute.

Well, uh, thanks.

Hey, after work, you want to go down to the beach and watch the sunset?

Well, uh, sure.

Tom, I got a problem.

Shoot!

Okay, Karen, she invited me down to the beach to watch the sunset.

I don't see a problem.

Well, she's not my type.

Hey, aggressive women are everybody's type.

But she's too aggressive.

Are you afraid of her?

Of course not.

I just don't want to hurt her feelings.

Just invite some other people to the beach

party tonight and don't let her catch you alone.

Pretty simple.

Hey, Barbara, beach party tonight.

Pass the word.

Gee, I didn't know we were allowed to have fun.

Herman, who's your little friend?

Hey, we can party tonight, right?

Hey, Jack, uh, party on the beach after work.

Pass the word.

Hell, yeah.

Miss O.

Hi, handsome daddy.

We're having a little Texas beach barbecue after work.

I'd like to know if you'd like to accompany me in the chow line,

maybe even ride off into the sunset.

Sorry, cowboy, that's when I go to work.

But I wouldn't mind doing a little steer wrestling with you when I'm older.

You're on.

I know we don't know each other,

but we're having a beach party later on tonight,

and I was wondering if, uh,

if maybe, well, maybe you two would like another drink.

You know, okay.

Come on, guys, search up.

Time to party.

Hey, you guys, I'm a little bit drunk.

I'm sorry.

Time to party.

It's time to consume much beer.

Yeah.

This won't be as, you know, as private as we thought,

but it still should be, like, a lot of fun, right?

Oh, not to worry. I'll find us a private spot, okay?

Oh, please. In the name of God, you haven't seen me.

Where is he?

You went that way, little partner.

No.

You.

Rick.

You.

What kind of party do we want the staff to give us at the end of the summer?

Pool party.

Yeah.

That sounds good.

A toga party.

Yeah, yeah, that's it.

How about a romantic dinner on a yacht?

I'm open to that.

I don't care where, as long as we don't have to eat Cookie's food.

Yeah, yeah.

Big roast.

Good idea.

How about a corn-oil party?

My girl, my girl right there.

When confusion makes your head spin round and round and round and round.

Don't stop until you've had it.

You're starting to lose control.

Don't stop until you've had it.

You're starting to lose control.

What a lovely hand.

What a lovely hand.

Madame, Monsieur.

Si.

Tonight on the special we have...

douzaines de suites, des fratés de foie gras, de cuisses de grenouille...

Très bien.

Et on va commencer à faire plafonder au one way d'un...

le steak au poivre et le coupe de melon, de canard.

Très bien.

Et pour des suers, on a même des thons au glaçon,

des jambons séparés, des couilles en cuillée...

et puis encore la merde de chanteau au marron.

Honey, I want the crabs.

I can arrange that.

Duck, it's here.

Hey, let's go, let's go.

Je vais le goûter pour vous.

C'est épouvantable.

C'est trop bien.

C'est tout.

Qu'est-ce que c'est?

Regarde, il a des bébés.

C'est trop bien.

Dis-moi ce que tu m'as dit quand on s'est rencontrés.

Tu es courageuse, tu es magnifique et je suis amoureux.

Oh, prends-moi, je suis ta mère.

Tu veux finir ton vin?

Cut it! Cut it!

I'm glad I caught you guys.

Listen, I want to tell you that even though things got a bit out of hand last night.

Out of hand? In hand's more like it.

I want to tell you that it's not going to happen

again and you'll just be wasting your time on me.

I don't consider it a waste of time.

Look, you're both cute guys. Why not pursue the girls who are looking for guys?

You're really serious about this, aren't you?

Married.

Friends?

Good friends.

Deal?

I don't give up as easily as he does.

Especially when the prize is so beautiful.

Barbara, wait!

Cute shorts.

Look, I'm moving you to housekeeping this week.

Housekeeping? I've never even made my own bed, let alone a stranger's.

It's a step up from kitchen, but if you prefer the kitchen, okay.

I was just telling someone the other day that I

was really hoping to get moved up to housekeeping.

Wasn't me.

Me neither. I never discuss lowly topics like that.

Maybe I was just thinking of it.

But it's a deal. I love housekeeping.

And it can't be as embarrassing as kitchen duty.

Herman, buddy, what's up?

Hey, what's up?

Herman, look!

Let's get a video!

Yes!

Herman, buddy!

This is my room!

There's only one of me!

Jesus Christ!

Come here!

Okay, everyone, take it easy on Herman.

Definitely impressed.

The legendary Golden Bozos.

I'm a fan of Herman.

Maid service!

No, forget it!

Hey, Kathy, you've embarrassed me for the last time.

Hey guy, it's time for your break.

I understand he owns Detroit.

Man, ain't she beautiful?

Yeah.

Would you check, check, check, my goodness.

Break time.

Thanks.

Well, if it isn't the no-show cowboy.

Oh my God, I forgot.

Forgot me?

You'll pay for that.

Nobody forgets me.

Cowboy fucks up royally.

What do you say?

Who, me?

You want me?

God, what kind of dog?

Hey, what? Wait.

Get out of the way.

Would you two bimbettes get down the road?

Come on.

Okay, get...

Now she's gone.

It's always my luck.

I must say,

I've been very impressed with your mind.

Such poise.

That's because you're so much more mature than those other girls.

Mature enough to realize that an all the more experienced man like myself

can have far greater sexual pleasures than some mindless lifeguard.

Here, honey.

Thank you, dear.

Is he messing with you?

No, no.

Yes, he is.

No, I didn't.

Fixing the chair.

He fondled my leg.

No.

And, and he said very nasty things to me.

Wrong answer.

No, no, man, no.

Wrong answer.

You know women, man.

Hey.

Oh, my leg.

Need somebody to talk to?

Nobody likes me anymore.

The guys, they think I'm afraid of girls.

The girls, they make fun of me if they talk to me at all.

Are you afraid of girls?

No.

Well, a little.

Is that why you ran from Karen?

No.

Well, why then?

Well, I was afraid of catching a sexually transmitted disease.

Only a fool isn't.

Do you know how you catch one?

Well, yeah.

The doc said that it was from sexual contact.

And I mean if bare boobs pressed against your body isn't sexual contact,

then I don't know what is.

We need to have a talk.

Man, you look hot today.

Not every day.

You bet, every day.

Good.

For a minute there I thought you were losing

your appreciation for life's finer beauty.

Oh, no, ma'am.

That's why I'd like to take you out to dinner.

That's sweet, Jack, but I can't.

For two reasons.

First, I don't date my underlings.

Second, you don't have enough money.

Oh, she's gonna die.

I love that.

That's Cathy Shields.

Cathy!

Hey.

What are you two doing here?

We were just in the area and we thought,

hey, what are friends for?

So we dropped by to see how you were taking it.

And if we could be of any help.

Taking what?

About Michael.

What about Michael?

I told you we shouldn't come.

Cathy.

Don't go away.

Cathy, there have been some complaints about the summer staff.

From who?

Well, some of the guests feel that they aren't getting

the proper service or the service they deserve.

Miss O claims that Mr. Jack is constantly annoying her.

Mr. Jacob says that...

Anything that happens to that handsy son of a bitch is well deserved.

Cathy.

Things must change, do you understand?

Yes, sir.

Okay.

Hi.

Hey, aren't you looking great.

What?

You can't back out on me on this one, buddy.

Come on.

Oh, girls looking good.

I've been waiting so long for you.

This is it. This is it, man.

Three weeks.

Big time. It's yours.

I'm not your doggy.

No, this is yours.

I get to my diving thing.

Just one little stop.

One little stop.

I get to my real economy.

Don't stop.

Herman.

Come on, let's get to the rice.

You guys.

Yeah

Look, there's some English rock group coming to the resort.

Oh, cool.

Do you think the staff will be able to go?

I don't know.

Great, we can go dancing.

God, I hope I don't sweat.

Sure isn't much action around here tonight.

Have you been able to reach Michael lately?

No answer when I called.

Then my phone rang and just as I reached for it, it stopped.

Gosh, what happened to your hand?

I thought you might know.

A new fashion statement?

Yeah, right up to here.

Your whole body?

Somebody put dye in my bubble bath.

It wasn't me.

My God, what happened to you?

Purple people either.

Or the purple pumpernickel.

I'll pumpernickel any time.

Do you jerks know anything about this?

Excuse me, I gotta go.

So who do you think did it?

I know who.

And she's in for a surprise.

I'm working on it now.

Oh, great.

Can I have my order?

Thanks.

What the hell?

Never in the history of this resort has any guest been treated so contemptuously.

I've had more complaints about you than any summer staff I can remember.

You're all a bunch of fuck-ups.

And you can forget the party the staff was

going to host for you at the end of the month.

And you.

You're fired.

You can't do that.

Daddy will never...

To hell with Daddy.

You're out of here.

You're gone.

You're history.

And you, Miss Purple Pumpernickel, as I've heard you referred to.

You're no longer supervisor.

You're kitchen until your skin is normal.

Susan, you take up place on the beach.

Does this mean that I'm the new supervisor?

Okay.

But no more fuck-ups.

Got it?

Only one change.

Donna, you take my place at the pool.

Sorry, Kathy, but it was bound to happen.

Cream rises, class shows, and pie splatters.

Oh, Donna.

I understand you guys were put on notice last week, huh?

You told the chief you needed a little more respect.

So, uh, what do you say we wander over to Bush's

and you give me a little respect, you know?

Wait here.

I won't have to turn to report that you're uncooperative.

Yeah, that's right.

It's me again, amigo.

Hey, boys, just moving along.

Now take a hike.

Thanks, Jack.

I appreciate the help.

Oh, it was nothing.

Assholes always turn tail and run, so to speak.

What makes you so hot for her?

Break time.

Answer your question.

Because he can't have her.

I got the same problem right over there.

She's beautiful.

And so damn popular I can't even get close.

I love lice as shit.

Yeah, so's mine.

What are you doing tonight?

Taking out a gorgeous lady, I hope.

Get out.

A stroll on the beach?

Yeah, good.

Don't be late.

I won't.

You know, you should really wear gloves with your hands like that.

The guests would probably refuse to touch the food.

I know I would.

Boy, some people don't wear authority very well.

It's not just my problem.

Not at all.

Somehow that helps.

Say, look at you.

You've lost a lot of weight.

What caused that?

I wanted to be your lifeguard, remember?

I'm impressed.

There go the guys.

Ladies, go jog.

Ladies, I got a present.

She's never coming back again.

I promise you.

I don't want to go.

Come on, let's go.

I know you can do it.

Stop!

We're going to the beach.

God, they sure look excited.

Not Tom, too.

No, he's coming over here.

He's here.

Looks good to me.

Ready?

You know, that jerk Jacobs tried to make Donna put out today.

It's time we busted his nuts.

I agree.

Oh, God, what's wrong?

That asshole.

Your true love, wealthy hunk.

Yeah, he left without saying goodbye.

Could have been worse.

It is, he gave me the crap.

Oh, ew.

Ew.

So nasty.

Hello?

Hi, Michael, I've been trying to call you for weeks, but...

What?

And you mean the whole time you...

Dick!

I think it is about time we made some men pay for their brothers.

Yeah!

Oh, my God.

This is a cat house.

I think I can go up there.

Well, maybe I can't go up there.

Second thought.

Who's that woman?

All right, all right.

Don't push me.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God.

Don't do that.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

Don't do it.

She's the lady of the night

Oh, if I touch her hair

She will make it all right

Dive into the depths of her cold, dark hair

She smells funny, she used to be a young woman

Be with her all the way

Let's see you play in your life

I'm ready

See the rain falling

All around me

Saw the clouds forming

Now they've found me

No more sunshine

Since you turned away

I could see it coming

From the distance

But who can stop nature's

Slow persistence

Wish you could see why

I've been through today

Don't turn away

I need you to stay

Don't turn away

Just wait

Hello ladies, daddy's home

How'd the mama do though?

Help! Help! Help!

I think I deserve more than free!

Come here, I'll show you love and light you've never had

Was this worth it?

Yes, honey, yes

♪ She's the lady of the night

♪ But let this end

♪ Oh, if I touch her hair

♪ She will make it all right

Oh, wow

I am going to like being a guest

♪ I'll be looking for you morning and evening

♪ I'll be late every morning

♪ And standing in the rain

I want to commend you on your work.

We haven't had a single complaint since the last time we talked.

And that's pretty good.

Now, if you keep up the good work, from now on to your last two weeks,

we'll reinstate that farewell party that I promised you.

Okay?

Good luck.

Hell, we can't go two weeks without fucking up.

We all can, and we'd better.

So, what kind of party do you want to have?

It should be an elegant, formal party.

Well, I kinda like the idea that Jack suggested about the pig roast.

Me too! We should have it on the beach like a luau.

Ok, let's vote.

Wait a minute, I'm the supervisor

Let's vote

All in favor of a wondrously formal evening

Elegant dining and dancing

Instead of a grubby cookout with sand in your pork

Raise your hand

Party!

All right!

All right, all right, all right!

These eggs are cold, take them back

All right!

Take this back

The champagne's black, and it's not brewed

Barbara?

That will do nicely

Surprise!

I got it for you to take back to Berkeley

Hawaii

Barbara is trying to screw things up

Then we'll just have to fix her first

Oh, no

How about a drink?

And two daiquiris for you?

How about some lime in your slime?

What's eating you?

Oh, nothing much

Just that I lost my job as supervisor

And I lost the guy that I was going to marry

And I screwed up my last free summer

And...

I can't even get drunk

Can I get you two anything?

Yeah, bring us three beers

Can I get you something?

Listen, for 50 bucks, I can introduce this broad to you

No, I've been trying all summer long to meet this woman

And I don't have the pay to say

I'm Tom Macklin

160 pounds, a twist of steel, and sex appeal

You don't get it, does ya?

The 50s for him make me want to join

You mean you're...

Yeah, a winking girl

I'm 300 foot 9

Which I can make seem like a fucking lifetime of pleasure

Especially with the few tricks I've mastered

One of which will make you dick bigger for life

Yes, you made me three inches longer

Say, how's about it, sexy?

Don't you want a bigger dick?

Uh, no, no, it's too big already

I'm down to here

Son, you keep this face up

And you're gonna wear it out

What a way to go

Now, who's giving the next lesson?

Drive faster, just like mine

Can't even get to the bottom line

Head on in, heart of sorrow

Can't see what's more than fighting back tomorrow

But I know what I gotta do

Get in my car and jump to you

Tell the guy, see you later

Oh, you gotta do it

Mom

I'm open for love

I'm open for love

I'm open for love

Looks like we're too late to break the good news to her

Susan's been demoted

Your supervisor again

What happened?

The guest almost drowned

While Susan was strutting around

Acting like a big deal being a jerk to you

I thought you had the hots for her

That's before you met a real woman

Come on, little doggie

Before this night's over, you're gonna look like you rode hard and split a wing wet

Room service

It better be hot

Mmm, good

Give me the phone.

Keep it away, keep it away.

What's wrong? I heard a scream.

There's a rat in the dish.

A rat?

Mr. Burns, for the past two weeks she's been giving all of us a

very hard time and well, it's making it hard for us to do our jobs.

Thank you, Karen. You're doing a fine job.

Okay, Miss Social Elite. You're on the verge of being one

of the first guests ever to be thrown out of this resort.

I don't think you're bothering me. I appreciate your interest.

Yes, yes.

So why don't you do yourself a favor and stop acting like a spoiled rat?

What do you want?

I gotta talk to you.

You know, when I got here, I was kinda shy and wishy-washy.

And I didn't know anything about girls.

But now, I know a lot about girls.

I had some very experienced ladies teach me.

And when a professional pays you compliments, well...

Really?

You on the other hand,

although you're one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen,

you have an attitude problem.

And because of it, you haven't had a good time.

You haven't learned anything.

That's not fair to you.

You deserve better.

You mean you actually like me?

Yes, I do.

Well, maybe it's not too late to start learning.

Let's start with what the professionals taught you about

pleasing a woman.

I love you so much.

I'm coming to visit you.

I'm sorry you're Michael, you're such an asshole.

Yeah, better to find out now than later.

Are you over it yet?

What do you expect in a week?

Well, I'm here if you need any comfort...

or support.

I'll show you support.

And with Tom and Bob competing for your attention,

I knew I didn't stand a chance.

Well, in your case, hard work pays off.

Seems Bob had an accident and he could hardly walk.

You'll be joining me on the beach.

Was that my cherry?

I'm afraid so.

Listen, I'll go back and get you another one in a minute.

Are those crushed nuts?

I'm afraid so.

Five more hours to the pig last.

Yeah, it'll be just my luck.

No one will screw up and I'll have to go through with it.

Hawaii.

What was that all about?

Don is trying to get Tom to transfer to Hawaii

and he's trying to get her to transfer to Berkeley.

Thanks for getting me back on staff,

even if it is just for the last day.

Well, I wanted you to be able to go to the luau tonight.

I like the Primrose polar bear position the best.

But wait until you experience the Polynesian polar bear.

Only two minutes to go.

What could go wrong now?

Oh, my God!

Watch out, Mr. Burns!

Oh, my God!

Beautiful save, Herman.

Thank you, sir.

You guys all right?

Fine.

Thank you.

Oh, I'm awfully sorry, Mr. Parker.

Not Mr. Parker, the owner.

I knew we'd never make it to 3 o'clock.

Waiter, that's super my fly.

You mean you're not mad?

No, I'm not mad.

I always wanted to use that line.

Get it?

Looks like the party's back on.

Hell, yeah.

Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one.

It's free!

You're going to come back and you'll see me again.

Yeah, I know.

You're a smart guy.

I can't wait for you to come back.

Yeah, that's so important.

Thank you.

You were so great.

I hope so.

You're a young man.

Yeah.

Thank you.

All right!

It must be some kind of magic

Can you show me the way

I don't believe it

It must be some kind of magic

It must be some kind of magic

Oh, you do it so well

I don't believe it

I'm under some kind of spell

Wherever you go

I will follow

Into the night

Into tomorrow

There is no one else

To use the power

You've got the power to do anything you want to

What the fuck you is holding me, you crazy bitch

You've got the power to do anything you want to

You've got the power to do anything you want to

It must be some kind of magic

I don't know you so well

But now you've got me

I'm under some kind of spell

I can see your eyes, you're no angel

Through your disguise, you're no angel

Where in the world did you come from?

You've got the power to do anything you want to

What the fuck you is holding me, you crazy bitch

You've got the power to do anything you want to

You've got the power to do anything you want to

What the fuck you is holding me, you crazy bitch

You've got the power to do anything you want to

You've got the power to

I wanted to know if you're accepting applications.

And we need two coconuts, a pound of prawns.

If it was done in the water, you could do it best.

We should find that out together.

I can't describe the amount

In his kiss, not a single spot missed

On and on and on

Can he be, I don't know but we

I don't care, I want to stay in his loving arms

Cause

He's the king of Santa's farm

We all are, we all are

You can kiss my ass