Original subtitles

Ooh. A woman, right? Huh!

Fallen in love with somebody who's got the vote this time.

How old is she? 20?

No, she's about 30.

Do you like my tits?

Hello? Tits!

Yeah. I love your tits.

Do you wanna come on them?

Sure. Let me just get this off.

Actually, don't. I got a rash last time. Let's do it from behind.

Okay.

Mm!

I'm gonna come. Are you gonna come?

Mm!

Did you just fake it?

Don't be stupid.

- Why are you staring? - Show me the condom.

No way.

Where's the spunk, Adam?

Whoa, there.

This is not the bathroom.

Sorry, man. I'm very sorry. I'm, uh...

- Uh... - Sleeping with my mother?

Correct.

Awkward. I'm Dan.

- And you are... - Otis.

Ah...

Don't worry. Left-handed.

- First door on your left. - Cheers, dude.

- Morning, darling. - Morning.

- Coffee? - I've got some.

Toast?

Um... Maybe...

Uh, I've got clients in a few minutes.

Oh, Otis, this is, um...

We've met.

- Coffee? - Oh, yes, please.

How old are you, Dan?

How old am I... Uh, I'm 32.

You having some kind of preemptive midlife crisis?

- Otis... - Mum, he rides a motorbike.

I'll take you for a ride in it, if you like?

No, thanks.

Do you have an Oedipal complex?

As in, you mean do I wanna have sex with my mum?

- Mm. - Uh, not really.

- It's not really my thing, that. - Just ignore him. He's teasing you.

Otis, it's perfectly normal for a younger man

to be sexually attracted to a mature woman.

In fact, when you stigmatize his choice,

then you feed into an unhealthy narrative

on masculinity in middle age.

That's why I say you should never date a shrink, huh?

Sex and relationship therapist, thank you very much.

That's me.

Yeah, I should probably, uh, shoot off as well.

- Thanks. - Okay.

- Mm-hm. - Um...

Thanks for everything, Mum. Uh, Jean. Jean. Definitely Jean.

Okay.

- Hopefully see you again, then, dude. - Yeah.

Unlikely.

Your mum's new boyfriend is a big hot sticky wet dream.

Yeah.

Mum doesn't do boyfriends.

Ah-ah! Are those the ones that like to do it in animal costumes?

No, he wants her to wear a strap-on. She's not really into it.

It's a classic power dynamic issue.

Aww! I wish my mum was a sex guru.

Trust me, you don't.

Marjorie...

how are you getting on with your penis?

- I'm not hating it. - Fantastic.

Okay, let's proceed.

So, did you do it?

Don't tell me you choked again.

Ha-ha!

- You didn't even try. - I've given up.

It's too much. I don't... I don't wanna talk about it.

I mean, what exactly is the problem here? I mean, can you even get a hard-on?

Of course I can. I'm not a fucking eunuch, all right?

I just... I wait for them to go away.

I don't like how it feels. Can we drop it now, please?

No offense, but that is super weird.

Super weird.

Oh, my God, the Untouchables have a car.

Just when you thought they couldn't get any more elusive, now they have wheels!

You reckon Anwar's been workin' out? He's lookin' extra tight.

Just because he's the only other gay in our year,

- it doesn't mean you have to fancy him. - Yeah, correction.

Only other gay we know of.

Could be anywhere.

What are you lookin' at, El Pervo?

Did you hear that?

He spoke to me! With actual words!

- He called you a Spanish pervert. - Oh, this is gonna be such a good year!

I can feel it!

- Is that Tom Baker? - Yup.

Captain of the Warhammer Society. His balls finally dropped.

Yeah, I keep telling you, man, everyone has had sex over the summer.

- Everyone except you. - And you.

Excuse me, I gave two and a half hand jobs to that guy I met in Butlin's.

- Why the half? - We got interrupted.

Stupid surprise karaoke.

Still, not exactly a player.

Yeah, at least I can touch my own penis.

I'm worried about you, man.

Like, look around.

Everybody's either thinking about shagging,

about to shag,

or actually shagging,

and you can't even jack your beanstalk.

- I've got plenty of time. - Mm, I don't know, man.

Everything's changing round here, and it's changing fast.

Case in point, even Maeve Wiley's boobs have gotten bigger,

which I thought was technically impossible.

They look the same to me.

I heard she bit Simon Furthassle on the scrote,

and now, it's all wonky.

- Like a discount avocado. - I don't think that's true.

I heard she sucked off 12 guys in ten minutes for a dare.

- That's definitely not true. - What a slag.

Look at that greasy hair. Maybe she can't afford shampoo.

- Or deodorant. - Told you.

She's basically a nympho.

This is a new frontier, my sexually repressed friend.

Our chance to finally move up the social food chain.

We shall transform

from lowly caterpillars into... awesome killer whales.

Do we have to?

Prepare for the best two years of our lives.

I'm sorry.

Thank you, Eric, for that rendition of the school anthem.

It was...

adequate.

So, just a few things to get us started.

The toilet block behind the gymnasium is full of asbestos, so, please, keep out.

Running in the corridors is the scourge...

- Told you not to do it. - I wanted to impress Swing Band.

...the story of James Cairney and the pencil.

I have spoken to his mother. He, uh, has recovered.

However, the mental scars still remain.

A lesson for us all.

Calmly moving on.

It is my great pleasure to introduce to you

our brand-new head boy...

Jackson Marchetti.

Whoo!

We are taking over.

Hi, Adam.

- Good summer? - Shut the fuck up, Tromboner.

Give me what you've got.

- What's in the bag? - My lunch.

You know that, because you always eat it.

- I think you forgot something. - It's just a pencil case.

Don't give a fuck about your pencil case. Curly Wurly.

Come on, man. Not my Curly Wurly.

Give me that Curly Wurly...

or I will break your face.

Okay.

Aah!

Yeah, see you tomorrow.

Shit biscuit.

- Are you a complete moron? - No, I'm not.

That was a rhetorical question.

- Here. - Don't touch my shit.

- Just trying to help. - Don't.

Guys! You're not supposed to run in the hallway.

It was my fault. Fuck off, snowflake.

Nice rack, Wiley.

Are you going to write me up?

I'll let you off. This time.

I'm eternally grateful for your kindness.

Actually, on second thought...

Head Boys notoriously peak too early. I'd watch out, if I were you.

Oh, yeah?

I said, nice rack, Wiley.

- Say that again. - Nice... ra...

You did kind of deserve that, man.

Settle down, class.

Settle down. Thank you.

Ahh!

We're jumping straight in to the romantic world of the immortal Bard.

Shakespeare, obviously.

This year's first assignment will be on As You Like It.

Set in the fictional forest of Arden.

Uh, nice of you to join us, Adam.

Uh, you'll be doing presentations

on Shakespeare's relationship with love and disguise.

The person you are sat next to now will be your partner for the project.

So if you just look at your sheets,

you're gonna go through all the five points.

I want you to talk in pairs.

Please listen, right? Listening is key.

So, um, the assignment brief, um...

Examine the ways that Rosalind, uh, tests Orlando's love for her

- in act four... - And who are you?

- Um... I'm Otis. Yeah. - Act four, scene one. The impression...

- I guess we're partners for the project. - Are you new?

No. No, no, no. I've been here since first year.

- We had chemistry together... - Explore the ways

- Shakespeare uses witty wordplay... - ...last term.

- You set my desk on fire. - ...sport and wrestling analogies...

- Anyway. - ...to reveal his characters' views

- on the subject of love. - Maybe later on we can get together.

I know the library's open...

I don't do after hours, new kid.

- Uh, discuss the concepts of fortune... - Where do you live?

...and nature as they apply to Orlando and, um, and Oliver.

- 43 Ashford Street. - Compare and contrast the relationship...

I'll be there at 6:00.

...Orlando with Rosalind and Celia.

Um... If you have any questions, please, uh, do ask.

But what I'd like you to do is, really, first, just mind map.

Mind map together...

- Um... - Boring.

What? Excuse me, this is boring?

Okay, um...

You told Adam where you live?

He asked me.

Dude, your mum has a lot of weird sex shit in the house.

I'm cool with it, obviously,

but if that guy even sees a Kama Sutra, he will destroy your life.

- She won't be home. - Oh. She better not be.

He still calls me Tromboner. It's been four years.

Four years.

You did get an erection on the stage, in front of the entire school.

It was a semi!

The nickname doesn't even make sense.

I play the French horn.

Such a philistine.

Look, he'll be in my house for an hour, tops. It will be fine.

Do you reckon his brain is so small 'cause his dick is so big?

- That's a myth. - Well, it's not.

A friend of a friend saw it once.

She said it was the size of two Coke cans. One on top of the other.

Length and width.

- You don't have any friends. Except me. - Not for long.

Because Adam is going to kill you in your own home.

Do you really think this place has asbestos in it?

I don't know. There's worse ways to go, I suppose.

God, yeah. My auntie got eaten by wasps.

What? Was she stung to death?

No.

She was eaten.

Scabby Queen. I win! I win!

No, you don't. You have to get rid of the queen.

- You lost, sorry. - I still don't get this game.

Hand them over.

Thank you.

- How’s it going with Knobzilla? - He can't come.

So, the other night, we're, like, goin' and goin'.

- And I'm losin' my shit. - And I, you know...

- Reached the summit. - Yeah.

But he, like...

- Slipped and dropped the yogurt? - No, I wish.

He faked it.

You sure?

I don't know what I'm doin' wrong.

Maybe he was nervous or something.

Ruby and Olivia think I should dump him.

They say he's bringin' down my social status, but...

The thing is, he can be really sweet when nobody's watchin'.

Don't know why you listen to those dickheads.

If you like him, do what you want.

Tits.

They're looking for me.

- Thanks for the game. - No worries.

And the chat.

- Oh, and... - Don't worry, you were never here.

- Ta-ra, lad. - See you later, pet.

Hiya!

- Where have you been? - Nowhere.

Biology went over.

We thought you were doin' it with your whale dick boyfriend.

You know he's a delinquent, right?

Yuck. Is that ham? We're vegan now, remember?

Oh, right, yeah, I forgot.

Have you been smokin' again?

- No, I haven't. - Good.

Because smoking is definitely not vegan.

My ham.

Have you got the money?

You taking the piss?

Take it or leave it.

- Tell anyone and I'll maim you. - This better be an A.

- You're on time. - How long is this gonna take, new kid?

Well, um...

I'm already bored.

Have you got any Nesquik?

On... Only Mana.

Do you wanna get monged?

Um...

No, thank you.

- Why is there a minge on your wall? - What? Where? That's...

Uh...

That's just an orchid.

It's... My mum's super into...

flora and fauna.

Ooh, uh...

Maybe not inside, sorry.

I mean, Adam, we've only been working for half an hour, so...

Yeah.

You should keep goin'.

That's it, just rolling the testicle...

- There's a ball bag on the TV. - Good.

Sorry. Sorry, I, uh...

I forgot to take my... my DVD out. It's my...

- It's my porn. - A bit old school.

You should get on Pornhub. There's loads of stuff on there.

You could watch a CGI demon fuck a horse.

- Hm. - I need to piss.

Upstairs, on your right.

New kid!

Adam?

Get in here!

Oh!

Adam!

Oh...

- You've got a sex dungeon. - No.

No, this is not. I...

I can explain. This is my mum's office and she's a therapist.

- Sex therapist. - I don't know what that is.

She helps people with sex problems.

- She's a prostitute. - No.

- Like a pimp. - No, no, she's like a... a shrink.

But instead of talking about mental health stuff, she talks about sex.

People's sex lives.

She... She helps people bone better.

Yes, in essence.

Look, um...

Could you not tell anyone about this, please?

Otis, darling?

I'm home!

Mm! Mmm...

God, that's strong stuff.

It is chronic shit.

I'm already hungry.

It's snack time.

Your mum's cool.

Why aren't you cool?

And she's hot. Why didn't you say she was hot?

Because she's my mum.

- I mean, seriously, are you adopted? - No.

- Then why are you so shit? - Adam.

Yeah?

Do you smoke every day?

Yeah. Yeah, most days, Mrs., um...

Oh, just call me Jean.

You know, they've been doing some interesting studies with cannabis.

They're just starting to wake up to its health benefits.

Yeah? Like, um...

How it makes everything funny?

- You know, like your face. - Hm?

Ever so serious,

like a... atlas.

However, it has been linked to early onset impotence.

Nothing conclusive yet.

But be careful with how much you smoke.

Mum...

I only bring it up because I have a number of clients

who were heavy drug users at your age,

and now they have trouble with sexual performance.

- Sexual performance? - They have trouble finishing.

- Ejaculation. - Hm.

Jizz, spunk.

Man milk!

- Mum, Jesus Christ! - Don't have a problem with that.

What makes you think I've got a problem with that?

I didn't say you had a problem with that.

- But if you want to talk about it... - I... Uh, okay, I'm gonna go.

I'm gonna go.

Okay, Adam!

- Nice to meet you! - Mum!

Come and hang out again.

Adam! Adam, wait. Wait.

You and your mum are freaks.

I hope I didn't touch a nerve.

Your friend is very sensitive.

Ooh, my mouth is immensely dry.

Mum, how many times have I said

you can't go around therapizing people you don't know?

Your generation is so touchy.

- Information is empowering. - No, it's fucked up!

Okay, calm down, take a breath.

Let's...

Let the negative energy dissipate.

Okay.

Two...

Sorry I yelled.

And I'm sorry... if I upset your friend.

Come on.

Sweetheart...

I've noticed you're pretending to masturbate

and I was wondering if you wanted to talk about it.

It was the hand cream that gave it away.

And, well, the magazine was a bit overkill.

Anyway, I want you to know that you can talk to me about anything.

No judgment.

This is a safe place.

This is not a safe place, Mum.

You... need to stop analyzing everything I do.

I will when you stop creating performative situations

that you clearly want me to observe.

Okay.

I'm going to my room, because I'm angry and I need some space.

Okay.

We'll talk about it when you're ready.

Darling! It's too loud!

Otis!

Turn it down!

Eric, come help your mother.

Down in a minute!

Oh-ho-ho!

Did you... you know?

Yeah. I'd tell you if I didn't.

- Do you want me to drive you home? - Nope.

Where do you live?

- Honestly, I'm fine. - Come on, let me drive you home.

We're just fucking, Jackson.

We don’t need to know each other's postcodes.

See you at school.

Shh!

Adam?

You're five minutes past curfew.

Sorry, Dad.

- Lost track of time. - Don't let it happen again.

You know the rules.

You can have it back in the morning.

- Hello, lover. - Ooh! Fuck.

How did you get in? You've gotta go.

Your hand's a bit dry.

Can you not even get hard now?

- Am I that bad? - Yes.

No! No, I meant no. I got confused.

I don't know why I bother.

Well... Leave out the window.

Good night, Mrs. Groff.

Good night, Headmaster Groff.

What is wrong with you?

Adam, get down here now!

Your mum talked to Adam about ejaculation?

- She used the words "man milk." - Oh, my...

It's worse than I thought.

No, I mean... I mean... It's fine.

He was baked, he's probably forgotten all about it.

Shit.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit...

Don't look.

Watch where you’re going, fag.

Hey, Adam, you know homophobia is so 2008, right?

Totes passé.

Thanks, Anwar.

- Not your friends. - Okay.

See? I told you he'd forget.

Yeah...

Yeah!

I'm only saying.

Great, it's you.

I get it. You're mean.

Okay, so...

what was gonna be biology

is now an emergency SRE class.

Apparently, there's been an outbreak of pubic lice.

Mr. Groff felt you needed a refresher.

Lucky me, huh?

I'm joking. This is actually gonna be incredibly awkward.

You'll be working in pairs.

You'll need worksheets,

two prophylactics,

and a plastic cock and balls.

Um...

Jesus Christ!

What's next?

Uh... That's not the hymen.

I think I know where the hymen is, but thanks.

Okay, well, I mean, you're... quite wrong.

What is it, then?

They are the paraurethral glands.

The female prostate.

Where's the hymen, then?

Hymen.

Hm.

See me after.

Okay, yeah... Phones away, please!

Phones away!

People!

What is it?

Nothing.

The head of the penis is incredibly sensitive.

Feel free to stimulate it with your fingers in a circular motion.

As he gets closer to orgasm, you can speed up.

You'll feel him throbbing in your hand like a volcano about to erupt.

Look at that!

Huh. Here we go.

- I can feel it. Look, it's throbbing. - Can we turn this off, please?

Throbbing...

Look...

Oh, fantastic!

And then he comes.

Can you go and see if he's all right?

Oh, fuck it.

Okay, thank you everyone. That's enough drama for today.

Oh, my God.

Do you want one?

Was that really your mum?

Mm. Could have been a lot worse.

She could have been stroking an actual penis.

Oh, God. Yeah, I just think I'm gonna die now.

Don't worry about it.

Speaking as a long-term member of the Moordale Social Pariah Club,

you'll survive.

Oh, ow!

Shit!

Oh, my God.

- Get out! - Okay.

- Fine. - No, wait!

Don't go.

Help me.

I know it was you who sent that video around.

- So? - So I'm not gonna help you.

Please, new kid. It feels... like it's gonna explode.

- And not in a good way. - Well, that's not my problem.

No, wait!

Please, don't go.

- Should we get the nurse? - No! No, you can't tell anyone.

- What if he dies or something? - Dies?

Adam...

what did you take?

Viagra.

How much Viagra?

Hey, look, um...

Think of this room as being four walls of trust.

Anything you say is fine. There's no judgment.

- Three Viagras. - Jesus Christ.

- You said there'd be no judgment. - Sorry.

Is three Viagras bad? Her reaction made it seem like it was bad.

I feel lightheaded and I can taste scampi.

- No wonder. You could besiege a castle. - I said stop staring at it!

Sorry! It's like a third leg.

What now?

We wait.

- How is it looking? - Still large, still...

angry.

- Where did you even get the Viagra from? - None of your business.

Please don't tell me you got it from your dad.

I didn't.

Why did you take it?

I don't know. Heard it gives you a good buzz.

You should try it instead of being such a joy fucker.

He's having dick problems.

- Yeah? What would you know, Wiley? - Girls talk, clodpole.

Aimee said you can't come.

It's too much pressure.

- What is? - Everyone knows I've got a giant penis.

- So you wanted to make it bigger? - No.

I just wanted it to get hard.

- Well, why do you think it couldn't? - I don't know.

I can't stop thinkin' about stuff when we shag.

"What if I'm not good at this? Maybe I'm doin' it wrong.

Maybe she knows I'm doin' it wrong. What if my dad walks in?

What if my dad walks in and it's right when I'm blowing my load

and I can't stop, and he sees my jizz face?

- What if..." - Okay. Um... Yeah, no, we get it.

Okay.

Well...

Sounds to me like you're experiencing some performance anxiety.

Perhaps the mythology surrounding the size of your penis doesn't help things.

It is interesting you mention your father.

How does being the headmaster's son affect you?

Well, it's shit, obviously.

Go on.

Everyone's watching me all the time. Everyone's like,

"There goes Adam Groff, headmaster's son.

He's got a big massive elephant's cock." I've got feelings.

I guess that...

I wish I could be a normal kid.

With a normal dick.

And a normal dad.

I think...

that you need to own your narrative,

not let it control you.

Yes, you have a large appendage.

Yes, you're very visible in the school due to your father's position.

But neither is likely to change.

But your outlook can.

Does that make sense?

Not really.

It shouldn't matter what anyone in the school thinks.

You are who you are.

Don't let anyone take that away from you.

So everyone's wrong, and I'm basically...

awesome.

Be proud of your penis and your heritage.

'Cause neither are going anywhere.

You should work with what you've got.

It's going down, new kid.

Thank God.

Uh, you won't tell anyone about this, will you?

You said that thing about the four walls of trust.

We won't tell anyone.

If you leave my friend Eric alone.

- For good. - Tromboner?

It's your choice.

Fine.

I think you owe Otis an apology.

Sorry for sending the video around, but your mum...

really got in my head, new kid.

She's like some kind of...

sexy witch.

Well, that was unusual.

See you around, Otis.

Do you think Headmaster Groff is well hung too?

Yogurt's vegan, right?

Hey!

Can I have everyone's attention, please?

I have something to say.

My name is Adam Groff. Headmaster Groff is my dad.

Which is weird, 'cause I'm quite shit at school.

And this...

This is my dick.

No.

Yes, it is large.

- Oh, my God. - But I've done some googling.

- Oh, my God. - And it's actually just above average

in terms of worldwide adult statistics.

So, yeah.

That's me.

And that's my dick.

You have to break up with him.

Yeah, I do.

I have to tell you something.

I'm owning my narrative.

I'm owning my narrative!

I owned it!

Welcome back, old friend. How I've missed you.

Uh, what did you wanna talk about?

We have to break up.

- We just had sex. - Yeah.

I wanted to do it one last time.

For, like, memories.

But I don't understand.

I thought it was me.

But it's definitely you.

- What is? - Everything.

Just everything about us is wrong.

Sorry.

But it's over.

Adam Groff to the headmaster's office, please.

Adam Groff to the headmaster's office, please.

And thank you for coming.

Do you have any idea what you have done?

I've had multiple parents threatening to take their children out of school.

They were going to charge you with public indecency if I hadn't intervened.

Detention for the rest of term.

- What? Dad... - You heard me.

Now get out.

I can't even bear to look at you.

I broke up with Adam.

- Still couldn't come? - No, he did.

We had goodbye sex.

Thing is, school's hard enough without having to date an actual flasher.

I need to find someone a bit more socially acceptable...

- Rewind, he came? - Yeah.

It was like something clicked in his brain. Boom!

No!

Faster! Faster!

Faster! Oh, oh, oh!

Don't stop! Don't stop! Don't stop!

- Okay! Good! Keep going! - Yes! Yes!

Don't... don't...

Don't stop! Don't stop!

Oh!

Very sorry.

This isn't the bathroom.

No, this is not the bathroom.

I'm Harry, by the way.

- Mum. - Yes, darling?

I can't masturbate.

Sweetheart, I'm glad you...

I can't masturbate. But I don't wanna talk about it.

I'm dealing with it on my own.

Thank you for telling me.

Yeah, I think I'd better leave too.

I think that's probably best.

Well, only 376 days of sixth form left.

Yeah!

I thought this was supposed to be the best two years of our lives.

At least you got Adam to leave me alone.

Thank you very much for that, man.

- We had a deal. - Yeah, your advice was shit.

My girlfriend's broken up with me.

Everyone's got a picture of my lovely big dick.

Deal's off.

See you later...

Tromboner.

See? That's why you always wear a helmet.

Um, Maeve Wiley's coming straight over here.

She's literally walking straight towards us with purpose.

Uh, Otis. Otis! Otis.

- Okay, she's here. - Nice helmet.

It's just, safety first.

Can I talk to you for a sec?

Oh, do you want me... Do you want me to go?

- Yeah. - Oh, good.

I'll just, um...

leave, then, shall I?

What did you wanna talk about?

See those two over there?

The one on the right has never been in a lesbian relationship before.

She's terrified of her new girlfriend's vagina.

See her?

She believes that flicking the bean might make her clit drop off.

She hates herself. But she just can't stop wanking.

Do you see them?

Yeah, he's definitely giving everyone pubic lice.

What's your point?

The students at this school need your help, Otis.

And we need their money.

I haven't really worked out the details yet, but I'm good with numbers, so,

I'll deal with the business end of things and you can do the therapy.

We'll charge for every appointment and split the cash.

- Therapy? - Yeah, sex therapy.

You have a gift. It would be irresponsible to waste it.

- Look how you helped Adam. - But I didn't. He hates me now.

He came, Otis.

Your words made him come.

Sort of.

Look, I haven't got all day. Are you in or out?

- Uh... - Okay, fine. Don't worry about it.

Uh... Okay. Maeve!

Wait! Wait!

I'm in!