Original subtitles

In tonight's Top Gear -

the Mick Jagger of super cars.

Our quest goes on to find Britain's fastest faith.

And the Stig sorts out TVR's new coupe.

Hello, and a big yuletide welcome to our festive edition of Top Gear.

You can see we spared every expense.

We've got a Christmas...twig.

And some oranges and some nuts,

and, er. Oh!

That was a bauble.

APPLAUSE

No, no, I tell you what, let's just forget about Christmas, shall we?

Let's talk about big shiny 4X4s.

Now, they tend to be bought by people who live in towns

so when they go to the countryside, they think they'll blend.

Really?!

This is the countryside.

It's a brown and gnarled place,

much like the people who live in it.

And these are the cars rural people drive - Wellingtons with wheels.

Muddy, broken things held together with straw and dead pheasants.

It's hard to blend here unless you live here.

This is my off-road car.

It's a Toyota Land Cruiser Amazon.

Built to take on Africa and Australia, it has no problem at all

taking my children to school in Oxfordshire. It has seven seats.

There's a sense of invincibility about it -

when you're on a narrow road, the other guy backs up.

You can use the Toyota for a day's shooting, but I don't recommend it.

It's not that it doesn't work off-road - it does.

It's brilliant. It doesn't fit in with the scene somehow.

Shooting's a sport where the winner gets supper and the loser is hungry.

There's just you and your piece and the stillness of the trees.

Smoke curls from an autumnal fire, a gentle rain softens the edges.

And in this traditional scene, the Land Cruiser's just too...

..chintzy, somehow.

I mean, look - that is green...

And that's Toyota's idea of green.

It just doesn't work.

The BMW X5 is also hopeless, but for a different reason.

Yes, it's big, and yes, it has four-wheel drive, but that's it.

It doesn't have off-road tyres.

That's like coming out here in Jimmy Choo pumps.

This car is Milli Vanilli -

looks good on paper, but actually it's just miming.

On even the gentlest of tracks,

it gets stuck, and the beezer will drive by in his old Land Rover

laughing at you.

Even if you are the Marquis of Blandford.

Was that not perfect?!

And how much is that Land Rover worth? 30 quid?

OK, no, I'll be fair - £200.

And that's £50,000, and it's stuck. That's right.

Which is yours? Trooper. Trooper come by? Might, yeah.

MUSIC: "Rhubarb And Custard" theme tune

Strangely, that Land Rover is the same age as me and is the only...

I couldn't get up this hill!

It's lasted better than I have!

It went further than the BMW anyway.

You've beaten the BMW by 30 feet.

Oh, well, that's 30 feet less to walk! Exactly.

What about the Jeep Grand Cheroke?

For an American car, it's quite restrained -

it DOES blend in to the Oxfordshire backdrop,

and it is good at dealing with the rough stuff.

But, good though it may be out here, it does have one or two problems.

It's quite agricultural-feeling.

I don't mind that - it IS an off-road car.

What I DO mind is the ruching on the leather seats

and this hideous fake plastic wood.

It's also nowhere near as big inside as you'd imagine from the outside.

But the worst thing is you've always got the sense

that you've bought second-best.

The new Range Rover is £20,000 more than a Jeep.

These days, it's more a luxury yacht than a car.

But don't worry.

It can still play rough.

Look at this. I flick this switch here

to engage the hill descent control.

Put it into neutral, engage low range.

Back into drive, and now...

..I just point it at this seemingly impossible slope here...

HE LAUGHS

I'm now going to do something you'll think is mad -

take my foot off the brake.

OK?

That's astonishing - I can feel the anti-lock brakes

grabbing each wheel, making sure we stay straight,

and that we continue to do a walking pace

all the way down the hill.

Of course, the X5 can do that as well.

The X5 has a hill descent control, too.

It's something BMW stole while they ran Rover.

But what the X5 can't do is turn round and go back up the slope.

See, it doesn't have a low-range gearbox.

It doesn't have this thing's ground clearance or wheel articulation.

It's not a proper off-road car, and this just is.

There's something else. A Range Rover looks good outside the Savoy,

but it looks even better out here.

There was a time when Range Rovers were king off-the-road.

And they still have an air of invincibility, but believe me,

you can still get these things stuck.

Really stuck.

See what I mean?

First to try and get it going was Lord Blandford.

BLEEP

Well, it was his garden.

He, however, made things worse. A local tried next.

But his pick-up ended up in the lake.

I then decided to fetch my Land Cruiser, but in my haste,

I skidded off the track into a wood.

The thing is, if those saplings hadn't been there, I'd be very wet.

How do we get it out? Why are you laughing?

You said, "This truck goes anywhere."

It does - look, it's come here!

While we took a chainsaw to the trees holding the Toyota in place,

a tractor came to get the Range Rover out.

But even that was having problems.

The trouble with filming in the countryside is there's too much mud.

Eventually the cars were freed,

and we got back to explaining why the Range Rover is so good.

Look at this - great slabs of real, sturdy timber here and here,

hand-stitched leather, and this foundry finish.

It's the best interior on any car anywhere ever, easily.

It's like being in a field in a trendy restaurant in Notting Hill.

Except here the produce is fresher.

So, there we are. If you really want to get about off-road,

get something old and knackered with narrow, knobbly tyres.

If you want something for the weekend,

all the cars are equal, but one is more equal than the others.

The only car not stuck was the Jeep? No, it got stuck. We didn't see it.

The cameraman was driving it when it got stuck.

That would have done it.

So the Range Rover was the best despite being £20,000 more?

Yes, but the attention to detail on this thing is just amazing.

The steering wheel is heated. You push that button and it warms up.

And there's a paraffin heater in one of the front wheel arches,

and you can programme it on the computer here to come on

say at 6.00 if you're leaving at 7.00, so it's warm when you get in.

I fear this may be the most boring sentence ever said on British TV,

but it used to have a separate chassis, now it's a mono cog.

You know what that means, I presume? It's less wobbly.

All this clever stuff's great, assuming it works.

Range Rovers haven't got the best reputation.

I looked into this.

They did suffer a few problems with the paintwork, rattly interior trim.

Engines - they can be a problem.

Yeah, the 4lt. And the 4.6. And the diesel. All the engines.

Yeah. Gearboxes. Automatics.

And the manuals. Yep. Transfer boxes. The suspension.

And all of the electronics. Yeah.

All a bit...you know? Yeah.

I did have a word with Land Rover about reliability on this car.

They said that this one's built properly.

So I said, "OK, lend us one for six months," and they've agreed.

If anything falls off or melts or breaks in any way,

we can murder the managing director's dog.

Fair. In front of his children.

No, really - if this, for instance, gets a little bit loose, bit wobbly,

Frisky buys the farm.

It's time now to look back on 2002 and announce OUR car of the year.

The nominations are -

the Range Rover we've just seen, the king of off-roaders.

The Mazda 6 - the Japanese took on the Germans and succeeded.

It's a cracking car and good value.

The Mini Cooper S is the trendiest car in the world right now.

It's like driving a super-charged Parker.

And the Audi RS 6 -

it's fast in a straight line,

fast round corners, and fast even in the rain.

Have we missed anything?

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS OUT

The what? The Maybach 62. That's a stupid car. We'll get to that later.

The Vauxhall Vectra!

The Vauxhall Vectra?!

LAUGHTER

That wouldn't be the best car even if it was launched in 1984!

Jaguar XJ! Was that launched this year?

Well... Where are you from?

Which part of the country... Coventry. Coventry.

They make the damn things there, have you not noticed them?!

You're all way wide of the mark,

as are the official European Car Of The Year jury,

who voted in the Renault Megane!

Car Of The Year!

Only if you do that.

So, our car of the year is...

We've got some gold envelopes. Ready?

It's the Range Rover.

The judges - us - were impressed with its mono-thingy chassis,

its supplementary heater,

and its sheer Range Roveriness.

The next one is this year's most pointless car. The short list is -

the Mercedes Maybach - a private jet that can't take off.

The Ford Fusion.

Don't be fooled by the ads, it is a Ford Fiesta in a hat.

And the Rover 75, suitable only for the Mayor of Preston.

LAUGHTER

Have we missed anything there?

SL55 AMG. SL55 AMG you think is a pointless...? You..!

LAUGHTER

So, let's go to the actual winner,

which is...

It's the Ford Fusion, everybody! APPLAUSE

Now, erm...

..the judges were very impressed with Ford's idleness on this one.

They knew we all liked Mini MPVs, they knew they needed to make one,

and they couldn't be bothered.

Next, a popular category - the weirdest Renault.

Weirdest Renault of the year. The nominees are -

the Vel Satis - a businessman's car, but only if your business is Enron.

The Megane - a family car, but only if your family is the Osbournes.

LAUGHTER

And the Avantime - a sporty coupe,

but only if you don't want a car that's sporty.

Or a coupe.

And the winner, the weirdest Renault of the year is...

In true mad Renault style, it's the Nissan Micra.

LAUGHTER

The judges noted the designer had too much ink in his pen.

"Stop designing it, man! Step away from the cabcam unit.

"You've finished! That's enough details on one car!"

Now the big one. Our "surely you don't need the money" award.

The winner is...

..Eddie Irvine, for promoting this hose pipe here.

APPLAUSE

The man earned £6 million last year, but still thought it was a good idea

to put his fizzog on this box,

which is available in Woolworths for £79.99.

Now, we were going to make an award for the fastest car round our track

which is the Radical, with one minute 19 seconds.

But it seems the Germans have been monitoring our broadcast.

They said they've got a couple of cars

which they think could blitzkrieg our track.

This is the AS One.

It's powered by a bike engine,

the same Suzuki unit we saw in the Radical and the Westfield.

It's, erm...

Where is it?

It's gone. Um...

Well, wherever it is, they've made it 1.4 litres.

That doesn't sound like much, but the AS1 only weighs 600kg.

That's the same as my shoes.

So it should go like stink.

But I'm more interested in that.

It looks like a normal Audi TT, with a few stickers on it,

and it has a normal Audi TT engine - 1.8lt with a turbo charger.

But it's been tweaked a little so that it now develops 400bhp.

That's the same as a Ferrari 360.

In a normal TT, the engine drives all four wheels.

In this it drives the front wheels.

The rear wheels are driven by a little something in the boot.

Another 400hp engine! It has two engines!

800hp!

Obviously...I have to have a go!

Oh-ho! That hurts!

Let's see how it handles - ooh!

Corners are best taken with your eyes shut. That's my tip.

Two engines.

It's ridiculous.

Twice the fuel bills, but...

..it must be said, twice the fun.

Great!

But these cars must now face the acid test.

Bitte wilkommen Sie, das Stig!

It's the AS One first. It's got no stereo, so the Stig's in a bad mood.

It may not look fast, but it has hardly any body roll at all.

Just look how flat it stays through the hammerhead.

Right, we're coming up to the tyres. Boy, that is SO fast.

Bit of flame there on the over-run as it comes to the last two corners.

Bit twitchy, but he holds it, into the last one, and across the line.

Next, the mighty double-engined TT,

which is fast on the straights, but not so good on the corners.

Again no stereo. The Stig's going to be very cross

as he comes into the hammerhead.

A big, big burst of flame at the final corner,

and he's really earned his Christmas bone.

Well done the Germans, good effort.

Here is our power car lap time board.

At the top is the British Radical with 1.19.

Good car. Let's see how the Germans did.

First, the MTM Bimoto with its two engines.

Clever stuff from the Germans.

Time was 5-1. No. That's not it. That's the score.

The score. 19.45 was the time. 1966?

No, it's actually 1.28, which is very, very good.

It's faster than a Lambourghini,

and nine seconds slower than the British Radical.

What about the AS One? Clever car. That was an impressive 1.29.

Oh, dear.

Commendable effort. Oh, dear.

Not as quick as the British Radical,

still the fastest car of the series at 1.19. Great news.

A few weeks ago,

we had a race on our track to find Britain's fastest faith.

It was won by the Church of England.

But no Muslim took part because we filmed the item during Ramadan.

During Ramadan, Muslims can't eat

or take part in any form of motor sport.

However, I'm delighted to say that Ramadan is over,

so we have a Muslim in our base!

Not just a Muslim. We also have a Druid, a Rastafarian,

and a Seventh Day Adventist!

Welcome to you all.

Now...

You are...enormous...

..frankly.

What's your name? Pastor Gary Gordon.

And you live where? Oxford.

And what do you normally drive? A Peugeot 1.9 diesel.

Do you have any idea why you're here? Some idea.

You've not had practice in your diesel.

I'd guess you're a Rastafarian. Yes.

What's your name? Olivi.

What do you drive? Uh, work wise, a Mondeo diesel.

Another diesel. As interesting as the Peugeot! Do you do motor sports?

I have dabbled. I've been in the British Rally Championships. Really?

Only in a showroom-class Polo. It doesn't matter. Left hand drive.

You've had it. You've all had it.

The C of E guy did a bit on the side, albeit in an MG. Right.

What's your name? Arthur Pendragon.

King Arthur? Yes. He's fictional!

No, I'm not fictional, and nor's me sword. Right.

At the end, you are? Tariq Nasseem. And you live where?

West Sussex. You drive what? A Skoda RS.

A Skoda RS. Quick car!

But I have a note here that you once took it to Paris,

but you misread the speed signs? I did.

You thought 130km/h...

..was mph!

Yeah. Brilliant!

OK, we'll find out how you did.

You kept the car in one piece, which is more than the bishop we had on.

Never trust a bishop. And you - keep off the grass.

LAUGHTER

We'll, er, we'll see how you get on a little bit later.

In recent weeks, we've told you about some cracking new car deals.

Remember the VW Passat, £11,000?

The Fiat Stilo for £7,995? Or the best, a Ford Ka for £4,995.

It's so cheap and easy to buy a new car,

it's killing the value of second-hand cars.

At the bottom end of the market, they're almost giving them away.

First car of the day, a little Citroen AX.

Under 40,000 miles on the clock,

but because it's seven years old, I can buy it for £1,300.

This is an Elation, a limited edition.

It has a 1L engine, so is cheap to insure,

but you also get a sunroof and metallic paint.

You know the inside will be nice. Stereo, bits and pieces.

39,000 miles. It's not even halfway through its life.

A few years ago, a Citroen AX like this

would cost £2,000. It's a steal.

Next, I found this Nissan Primera for under £1,000.

You get power steering, electric windows, and a sunroof.

OK, it's done 98,000 miles, but it's good for another 40,000.

And you won't be investing in a weather-beaten banger.

The paintwork shows no telltale signs of accident damage repair.

The windows and sunroof are both fine.

When you rev the engine from cold, there's no knocks or rattles.

ENGINE REVS

All this for £1,000? Seems a good deal to me.

How low can you go and still get working wheels?

Martin Gurdon wouldn't even spend £200 on a car.

This Nissan 300C cost £100. It has 135,000 miles on the clock,

but, so far, it has given him a year's trouble-free motoring.

With such cars, you need a strong battery.

Decent plug leads. Decent plugs.

Electrical problems are the bugbear of old cars -

people have skimped on maintenance.

This car's reliable if you look after it.

You're a convert to this kind of motoring.

It's funny. Why get a car with hire purchase then watch it depreciate?

Sure. OK, it doesn't impress.

But with thought, it is as reliable as something ten years younger.

If someone stuffs it, or it gets nicked, I buy another one.

You need to know what you're doing if you go in for £100 motoring.

A bit more will get you a good car.

This Vauxhall Astra CDi has power steering, electric mirrors,

and even a factory sunroof.

Look at this!

£450, and that's from a dealer. It might be cheaper at auction.

But it's not an old nail.

90,000 miles, some service history, new MOT. Lots of life left.

You can pick up these cars cheap because they have time bombs -

repairs that may cost you more than the car's worth.

Modern cars have onboard computers, and if they crash, you've had it.

You'd be better off scrapping the car.

Some experts would say, "Avoid time bombs."

But think about it.

Go in with your eyes open, run it for a year - cheap motoring.

When it goes bang, don't cry - chuck it away and get another one!

But Jason, that Astra was horrible.

It's £450! True. £450.

I've got a 13-year-old Volvo, done 160,000 miles, I paid £900.

When it goes pop, I'll chuck it away.

You won't pull in these cars.

I don't care. £450! You pay that for a service on a new car. True.

You can get through Christmas without an Astra,

but you can't do it without Bond.

GUNSHOTS

Get the feeling they don't like me? Oh!

DOG WHIMPERS

MUSIC: "James Bond" theme

Did you see that? What?

That fish. Yes. How did it get in the car

without Barbara Bach and Roger Moore drowning?

Good point. I notice these things.

The hole's big enough for a fish...

Water. Water. Lots of it.

We showed that clip because we want to show how old the Lotus Esprit is.

27 years! It's a quarter as old as the motorcar itself.

Think about it. It was launched when kipper ties were popular.

I wondered. Kipper ties - it went through that,

through the '70s tie, through the Reckless Eric.

It did the Elvis Costello, and is now in today's Windsor knot!

Interesting analogy. Brilliant.

I can't think of anything else from 1975

that looks half as good as this.

# Hold me close Don't let me go

# Oh no

# I, yes, I love you and I think that you know... #

Just about the only thing that's '70s about a Lotus Esprit today

is the price.

At £50,000, it's half as much as a Ferrari 360.

But don't think it's half the car.

It's kept up with the game by constantly reinventing itself.

Today, instead of a 2.2-litre four-cylinder engine,

it's got a 3.5-litre V8, with a couple of turbos.

Old-timer it may be,

but it can still put its fingers in its belt buckles

and headbang like when it was a teenager.

And it's not like watching your father dance, either.

It's quite good at it.

The Esprit offers 266bhp per tonne,

and that's more than a Mercedes SL55,

or a Porsche 911, or even a Ferrari 456.

It's like North Korea - small but with a big punch.

What this means is it will do 0-60 in 4.8 seconds.

Flat out, it will hit 175mph.

It's still a very, very fast car.

And not just in a straight line, either.

Through the corners, it feels sublime.

There's a hint of understeer to tell you you're nearing the edge,

then a glorious adrenaline rush as the tail slides wide.

It is beautifully balanced.

The one area where they can't hide its age is in here.

This car is from a time when man was living in trees.

You get a simian driving position.

They've tried to improve it with different dashboards and seats,

but that's like rearranging the furniture in a small flat.

It's still a small flat.

A lack of space is nothing compared to the car's real Achilles heel -

its gearbox.

Changing gear in a car like this should be like

stroking a recently-washed dog, but it's like stroking a crocodile.

It's all notchy and scaly and eurghh.

Hopeless.

Almost ruins the whole car.

Almost, but not quite.

The fact is, I'm hugely fond of the Esprit.

Always have been, and I always will be.

TYRES SCREECH

So you love the Esprit.

Great. But for how long? That's the thing, because the gearbox

is likely to be the thing that kills it.

It's from a Renault 25, which is no longer made.

They're basically running out.

They can't make their own gearboxes,

because how many do they sell a year? Half. Exactly.

If that kills it, it's a real shame.

If you ask someone of our age to draw a super car,

that's what they'll draw.

It's the perfect super car shape, because it's got pop-up headlights.

I love them! As a kid, all I wanted was a car with pop...

Do you know how many cars today are made with pop-up headlamps?

This and one other. Anyone want to guess the other? RX7?

RX7's not made today, MX5 doesn't have them any more.

Porsches don't do them.

AUDIENCE MEMBER SHOUTS

What?

The Ferrari 456! Man from Coventry!

The Ferrari 456 is the other one. We should have more pop-up lamps.

Where have they gone? They say it affects the aerodynamics.

You shouldn't drive that fast at night anyway.

Exactly. Bring them back.

We've got one thing left to do with this car - unfurl the Stig.

When we asked the Stig to drive the Esprit,

he said he didn't like Lotuses very much. I asked him why,

but he just stomped about.

We got him inside by buying him a Moody Blues CD.

# Nights in white satin

# Never reaching the end... #

The Esprit isn't just fast in a straight line.

It's also balanced in the corners. Look!

What lets it down is the brakes.

Not that he's using them.

# ..Oh-h-h-h... #

For the first time in six weeks, the track is dry.

He's coming round the last corner, and ooh...across the line.

The time is... ready? Yep. One minute 32, which is...

That's quicker than my car! That's a very, very good time.

It's quicker than a whole load of serious stuff.

It was dry, but it was minus 426 degrees, so it was quite slippery.

Chilly. We should rejoice in that amazing time.

Aston, Ferrari, all of them. Bless it!

Bless it! When that thing goes out of production,

we are going to be properly sad.

CHOIR SINGS: "Adagio For Strings" by Samuel Barber

The news. We thought we'd look at what to look forward to next year.

There's a lot of super cars to get excited about.

That's an understatement! About half a million.

The best super car coming next year has to be the Porsche Carrera GT.

V10 engine, £250,000 but just look at it!

That's so beautiful.

That's the most beautiful car I've seen in a very, very,

very, very long time.

And the new Viper, the American equivalent of a sports car

in the same way George Bush is the equivalent of a president.

8.3-litre, 500 horsepower, and that isn't enough. There's a new Bugatti

coming out next year which has got 1,000 horsepower.

It's called the Veyron. How do you get 1,000 horsepower into a car?

There'll be 40 horses in the glove box, 36 in the ashtray,

a couple under... Neigh! Dobbin's under the seat!

An astonishing amount of power.

Nought to the grave in four seconds. Boof! I'm dead! I accelerated...

Straight up a tree! Dead.

Marginally closer to the real world i's the McLaren Mercedes SLR.

I know it does look a bit like an SL,

in fact a lot like an SL, but it's entirely different.

It's got a V8, so it will be quick.

It could be yours next year for £250,000.

It's a bit like... A bit like the SLR V8 supercharge,

but this one's got more power - it's got 665bhp.

They reckon it's the fastest car in the world.

0-60 in 3.5 seconds, 240mph top speed.

240? Where would you do that? It's Swedish? You won't do it in Sweden!

You could do it here, on the M1.

Or the M40. The M50's quite empty a lot of the time. M32's good. M27.

Any more ideas?

AUDIENCE MURMURS

M5? You can't go... Don't be stupid! You can't go 240 on the M5!

Don't be ridiculous! The A59, though...

Where are we going now? I know, Ascari. Another super car.

We've got it in the studio. This is the first one.

It's made in Banbury by a company called Ascari,

which stands for Anglo-Scottish Car Industries.

Didn't know Banbury was Anglo-Scottish.

It's got a 5-litre V8 engine, but I can't say where it's from.

It's a secret. OK. Fair enough.

BMW X5 we had in the studio earlier. Nice engines. Yeah, very nice.

LAUGHTER

What can we say about it? Many British companies set themselves up,

hoping to make these low-volume sports cars.

There was Lee Francis, Jensen, Marcos, Strathcarron...

And they've all gone out of business.

So we wish Ascari the best of British.

No, sorry! The best of luck, fingers crossed.

But if you can't afford one of the super cars, and there are lots,

there are lots of sports cars coming as well.

Chrysler is launching the £26,000 Crossfire.

Here it is.

Underneath, it's a Mercedes SLK, it's designed by a British person,

and it's been built in Germany. It's a car America can be proud of.

We've got the new Mazda RX8. £22,400, that's good value.

Wankel engine, suicide back doors.

The thing about those Wankel engines, there was a problem.

Something called the rotor tips used to wear out too quickly.

They've solved that. They're using the hardest substance known to man.

Diamond. No, harder than diamonds. I'll tell you what it is.

It's Weetabix, bear with me on this,

Weetabix that's been left in the bowl and put in the dishwasher.

Have you ever tried to get it off?

I've put 60 tonnes of TNT into the bowl to try and get it out,

blows the bowl to smithereens, still stuck to the pieces.

That would do it. It's the Mazda Weetabix.

Are there any sensible cars coming next year? I've got a list here.

Not really. Porsche, they've made a £50,000 150mph off-roader.

Not sensible. That's not sensible.

Volkswagen, which, as we know, means "people car,"

they've made a £60,000 Fiton. Sensible!

The German economy's better than we thought. There is one!

One sensible car - the Vauxhall Signum.

It's basically a Vectra... Oh, I'm nodding off!

I'm coming back.

We mustn't be put off by its Vectraness.

It's not like a Zafira which is the seven-seat Astra. It has five seats.

The ones in the back all move about and recline. They're really clever.

It will be the first car where people will fight to go in the back.

"No, no, you drive!

"I'll sit back here." Tinted windows, no-one will know I'm in it.

Here endeth the news. No, it doesn't,

because TVR, they launch a new car every three weeks,

and they're all pretty much the same. This is the T350C.

Without looking, I know what I'm going to get - a sexy, curvy body.

It'll have a glorious sounding engine, and there'll be two seats.

And there it is!

But it will be bought mainly by track day enthusiasts.

People who'll thrash the bottom off it on a Saturday

and commute in it on Monday.

It needs to be a Jekyll and Hyde car.

And that ain't easy.

The new car uses TVR's proven speed six engine.

It's good for 350bhp and will take the T350 to 60mph in 4.4 seconds.

It's a hard rather than a soft top, and that makes it stiffer.

And those curves were designed with aerodynamics as top priority.

All of which is good news, both on the road and on the track.

Where it gets tricky is the set-up, the suspense and the chassis,

dampers, springs, all of this kind of caper. Got to get it right.

This is a track, covered in smooth, flat tarmac

so you can set the suspension as hard as you like for a quick lap.

But this is a British road, real life, the Monday to Friday road.

Shoddy repairs, lumps, bumps, mud, and all garnished with ditches.

TVR brought the car and some mechanics.

We added the Stig and helped set it up to his liking.

MUSIC: Intro to "My Favourite Game" by The Cardigans

The car doesn't even sit down when it leaves the line.

And it corners dead flat, there's absolutely no body roll at all.

And it's very fast. It had a good lap time of one minute 28.

But in the process, he's made the car twitchy, edgy, and Stig-like.

Right on the limit.

TYRES SCREECH

And it gets worse when you leave the track to drive home.

The Stig should stick to driving cars, not messing about with them.

This is absolutely awful on the road!

It's so uncomfortable. And not just uncomfortable,

I can't steer! I have no idea which direction we're going in next.

It's just random.

So it's back to the pit, and Stig is told to get a grip on real life

and help TVR set the 350 up so that we can all use it.

Then it's back out onto the track with slightly softer settings.

Straightaway, you can see there's more movement from the body,

more body roll through the corners.

Yes, the time is actually a second slower, but it's still a good time.

And it's a lot more predictable.

Out on the road, it's much better. More usable and drivable.

If anything, it's faster in the real world.

We'll let TVR finish the job off,

but at least now they know where the limit is.

There's one thing I want to do with this car - think of a better name.

T350C sounds like an iron. Whatever it is, it has a plug on it.

Whatever we come up with, even if they call it T350C,

we'll call it what we come up with. That's fair.

Choosing the name is tricky. I've got a list

of some of the better ones and they're all genuine, I promise.

The Mazda Bongo Friendy. Very chic. How about this one?

The Mitsubishi Mini Active Urban Sandal.

A big badge! Or, this is the best of the lot.

The Isuzu Mysterious Utility Wizard.

What a superb name!

It's not just the Japanese, either.

In the '80s, Volkswagen launched a version of their Mark 1 Golf.

Pink, white leather, they called it The Fancy Boy. Genius!

We didn't get that one in the UK. No. UK importers said no thanks.

TVR have been good at names.

They had the Cerbera, a sort of dog thing.

They had Chimera, which is a she-goat.

The Tuscan, which is the supreme god of everything.

And now they've come up with the Microwave. We've got to do better.

I've got the perfect idea. Ready?

The Widow Maker.

You can't call a car Widow Maker!

I just have. It's the TVR Widow Maker.

The Star fighter jet in the '60s was called that. Pilots were killed,

and another one took their seat. I know where you're going.

A TVR Armageddon. Anyone else got any ideas?

AUDIENCE MEMBER: Poseidon. Poseidon, like that.

What's it the god of? The sea.

The sea? Pertinent.

Anyone else. Thor! Thor!

God of thunder. TVR Thor. AUDIENCE MEMBER: Harry Potter!

LAUGHTER

That's poor. He's a wizard. The wizard, now it's a wizard.

I like the TVR Harry Potter.

There's something about it. It's like the TVR Famous Five.

Or the TVR Beatrix Potter. Enid Blyton.

Peter the Rabbit. We could go on forever.

It's the Paddington Bear! But, if I can't call it Widow Maker,

how about the TVR Valhalla?

Yeah, wasn't that where the Vikings...? In fact, I've decided.

I've decided, we've heard some great names

but this is, whatever TVR call it, the Valhalla.

That's it. That's where the Vikings hung out when they were dead.

Yeah, dead Viking burial ground.

No point arguing. Fair enough. We've sorted it.

That's a relief. Now for the second coming of our fastest faiths.

We'll see if our chaps were quicker than the Church Of England.

As with our previous fastest faith shoot-out,

the race will be run in a 340bhp Subaru rally car.

So, will the Church Of England remain the kings of the track?

First to go, Tariq the Muslim.

Go!

Tariq was doing really well,

but then the druid summoned up the ancient gods of oversteer.

Do you score extra for doughnuts?

But Tariq overcame the wizardry to finish the lap.

Four tyres screeching.

You'd never know!

It is a difficult braking point over there.

There's no mark there for you. Exactly.

Next, Arthur Pendragon, member of the Ancient and Modern Druid Order,

priest of Merlin and the Horned God, battle chieftain,

and a Morris Oxford driver.

My Peugeot 1.9D doesn't sound like that. Let's hope not.

It's 0-60 in ten minutes.

LAUGHTER

With the Celtic spirits rooting for him, the druid had a tidy lap.

How did he get round there so quick? That's magic.

Gary the Seventh Day Adventist was next,

but yet again the druid had struck.

He cast a spell that shrunk the car.

# Coming for to carry me home... #

I can do it!

It's not going to happen.

Any suggestions?

Why don't you come round with me and we'll do it together?

Like a co-driver?

I'm too, er, let me put it this way, I'm too manly, thank you.

I'm too big for the car.

That left Olivi the Rastafarian, who called on the spirit of Jah.

Yes, Jah, almighty, bless the carriage.

And by now, the druid was out of spells.

And at last, a proper rival to the current champion

from the Church Of England.

Like him, Olivi's an amateur weekend racer.

And it showed.

Superstars, one and all. What a complete tragedy.

Yeah, the car was too small. I know the feeling, all cars are too small.

I don't know that feeling. It's not one I suffer from.

Why do I have to stand here? Let's do the results. In reverse order,

in fourth place is Gary because you couldn't get in the car. OK.

You scored a time of, so far, four hours. All right.

Third place, King Arthur,

kind of predictably, really, with a time of one minute 48.

Second place, Tariq, with one minute 41.

The big question is, we know at this point the Rastafarian has won,

but the big question is, have you beaten the Church Of England?

They did it in one minute, 37 seconds, faster than all of you.

You went round in one minute, 31 seconds.

CHEERING AND WHISTLING

That is fantastic!

That's only...

That is only...

Well, it's less than two seconds off the pace set by the Stig.

An unbelievable performance.

Jason, bring in the trophy. There you are, the fastest faith.

Thank you.

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well, it's the fastest faith

unless we can find a smaller Seventh Day Adventist

or a bigger car! Yep.

Every week, we put a star in a reasonably priced car.

We've done that throughout the series.

And they've been a mixed bag.

Harry Enfield!

Don't die. Ready, steady, go.

Trying to skid. I've got to 30mph.

Aahhh!

I lost control.

Jamiroquai frontman Jay Kay!

Don't be punished, don't be tempted to put too much power on.

That's beautiful.

Ross Kemp!

Rubbish!

I hate you so much, Clarkson, I'll get you back at some point.

Jonathan Ross!

Oh, look at that magnificent turn!

I think I need to go round the end.

You look ridiculous!

I look like a Star Trek fan.

You're lucky I'm still alive.

Do you think I care? No, but you're lucky.

Who'd like to see some of the practices he had?

I thought it might be faster.

Steve Coogan!

I'm glad I cleaned my teeth.

There's a gradual build-up of terror.

That's quite neat.

I drive a Lexus. 53! Ross Kemp will be so angry. I beat Ross Kemp!

Tara Palmer-Tompkinson.

I'm coming up to Harvey Nichols and it's about to close.

The last thing you want...

Sexy man on the street, wave to him.

When I park, I think the bumpers are there so you go,

"Bump, bump, bump, in."

From Status Quo, Rick Parfitt!

Oh, no!

Beautiful, oh, there's more.

Probably broke wind. Back on.

Across the line sideways.

Sir Michael Gambon!

You do look quite scared.

Tyres, stop!

You were very close to the tyres there.

You're supposed to be.

You're off the...

Woo-hoo-hoo-hoo!

Gordon Ramsey.

I think I saw a traffic warden.

That tastes of petrol.

That was done on the Subaru Forrester engine, a good base.

Now, a mixture of poise, precision, and Harry Enfield there.

Now it's time to award the prize to the fastest celebrity of the series.

It was, if we look on the board,

Jay Kay with 1.48, and he's here, everybody!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

Well done!

God. And there it is. God.

What can I say? I apologise for the broken end.

The BBC's really pushed the boat out.

Would you like to make a speech? A Tom Hanks acceptance style speech.

I'd just like to say it's one of the greatest days of my life

to get this award. No Brit award or Grammy could come close to that.

I want to thank Jeremy, the BBC, God, Mum. Thank you very much.

Fantastic!

That's all we've got time for. We'll be back in the spring.

In the meantime, have a happy holiday. Goodbye!

Wave, Stig, wave!