Original subtitles

Tonight, grannies doing doughnuts.

Is the new Mini any good?

Ultimate force in a reasonably-priced car.

And the bed spring with a bike engine takes on the Zonda.

Hello. We're talking tonight predominantly about style.

The problem is that everyone in the normal world thinks petrol heads like us are a bit geeky,

spending all day downloading stuff off the internet.

So I've ditched the jeans tonight and gone for a cargo-style pant,

teamed with a blazer. Nice.

And you've teamed a tablecloth with a shirt. Stitched in.

And you're wearing a tent. Tucked in. As usual.

It's not just our attire. We've rearranged the audience.

We've got the good-looking ones

here. Look at him. A male model.

You're staying there. Get us a good image. We've put the fat ugly ones... Over there. At the back.

Anyone with a spot. See this guy,

I can't make my mind up whether he is Robin Askwith out of the window cleaner films. Yeah.

Or Keith Emerson from Emerson, Lake and Palmer. A hybrid.

If the floor manager says, "Can you move," it's cos you're ugly.

Don't be hurt. You're ugly.

It happens. We've also got some car designers over there. Look, they're all shiny.

To be a car designer, you have to wear black and look like a Chechen rebel.

They're like an Oasis tribute band.

Of course, we're not being helped this week - the Motor Show - they ran a commercial to go there.

They used a semi-naked girl.

And there were all sorts of semi-naked girls in Birmingham.

The woman who complained - the new Labour minister of something or other, Patricia Hewitt.

She's quite fit, actually. She is.

Maybe it's a power thing. She's got something.

But using sex to sell cars is really very "last week" and uncool.

I can think of nothing more uncool.

Strangely, I can. News this week - Transport 2000 - campaigning group.

Mmm. Great name. Yeah. Two years ago, it would've been great.

Did they not see that coming in '99? "We could have a problem."

They're taking the Government to court because they want them to stop painting speed cameras yellow.

They want them to be grey and hidden to catch more motorists.

I've got this. Transport 2000, just so you know who they are.

I think this is their own website.

"Transport 2000's vision is where traffic no longer dominates our lives, where many journeys

"can be made on foot or cycle or public transport.

"You don't need a car to enjoy the countryside or city life."

What word can I use? I'm going to Newcastle. Do I walk?

Places are far apart. That's why we have cars.

Let's get on. Whenever I pull over for petrol, I guarantee someone will walk over and say,

"Have you driven the new Mini yet?"

Everybody has the same question. Do you mind if I perch here?

"What is it like?" Not me, though. My question is, "What on earth is an Aquadrome?"

We've all driven up the M1 and seen that brown sign that says Billing Aquadrome. Turn-off 16, is it?

Yeah. What is that? So I thought we could kill two birds with one stone.

Take the new Mini up there, find out what it's like and find out what an Aquadrome is.

There are three types of Mini.

There's the supercharged Cooper S,

the normal Cooper, and bottom of the range, this one - the Mini One.

£10,500 worth of simple, end-of-the-pier, no-nonsense fun.

A bit like Billing Aquadrome, then.

Turns out it's a caravan site.

Fun for all the family. Star turns every night, go-karts in the day

and peaceful swan pedalo rides in the evening.

You can stay here in a caravan.

£9 a night. £9!

£11 if you want electricity.

And there's a choice of three restaurants. All you can eat: £6.95.

Come here, eat chips, have a nice time. Fantastic.

'60s living then, to suit a '60s car.

I was a huge fan of the old Mini and I thought BMW would mess it up. But they've actually improved it.

The dash is brilliant. I don't have my knees by my ears.

And your spine doesn't shatter each time you run over a piece of grit.

It's a wonderful, comfortable car. Brilliant!

It now has some suspension, so won't tackle corners like a go-kart.

But you can still have fun with it.

Some cars costing much more than this are much less of a hoot.

You would love this car

and you'd love it when it was time to sell.

Minis fetch more on the second-hand market than they cost new.

Which model to buy? Let me give you a Top Gear top tip.

Buy the cheapest one.

It has the same overhead camshaft, 1.6-litre engine as the Cooper.

The only difference is a tiny chip in the on-board computer.

So, you buy the cheap car, you save £1,300,

and then you change the chip.

That will cost you £385.

I just saved you £1,000! But should you take me up on it?

Should you buy a Mini at all?

The wheel base on this car -

the distance between the back wheels and the front ones -

is exactly the same as on a Land Rover Discovery.

So where's all the space gone?

There's tons in the front, but in the back,

there's absolutely no legroom at all.

And, while the new Mini has a hatchback,

look at the size of its boot.

In the old Mini, Blue Peter used to get 42 Boy Scouts in the back.

We can't even get one BBC sound recordist.

We can't even get his leg and he's not big!

That really is hopeless.

If a Martian came to Earth,

and you explained what you could normally get into a car this size -

four doors, space for the family and dog, he'd say, "What's a dog?"

Then when you'd explained, he'd say,

"That's hopeless. That's much more like it!"

It's the Toyota Yaris Verso.

Same sort of money as the Mini One.

Smaller on the outside, but look at the inside.

Three full seats at the back and look at that legroom.

What's more - these two outer seats actually fold into the floor. Let me show you.

Fold that down... No, that's not it.

Ah!

There's some floor there.

It just goes in there. Bugger! Jesus!

That's not going to go in. Why's that?

Um... Oh, hold on - I've found another lever, catch thing.

That slides more in. I don't think this was meant to happen!

I've no idea! Let's try on the other side.

That's what you trap your fingers on. Be careful.

The floor's still here. There we go.

That should just slide in smoothly.

There we go! It's in! Easy!

Completely flat floor...

Great!

So, as a practical proposition,

the Yaris Verso plainly knocks the Mini into a cocked hat.

This really is - once you've got the hang of it all - a very practical car.

Its 1.3-litre engine is more sophisticated than the Mini's motor

so you get the same power.

In here, you get a lot of toys.

It has air-conditioning as standard and look at that 3D digital dash!

That's Martian technology!

Aimed at the young kid-about-town who drinks lattes and wheat juice,

it crushes the Mini like a beetle.

And yet, something about it is not quite right. Could it be the name?

Yaris Verso - that sounds like it could be a full-back at Arsenal!

Or is it the styling?

Yes, that's it.

It's perfect except it looks like an ugly snake that's swallowed a wardrobe!

That's the thing - as a functional car, THIS is much better than THIS.

But when Madonna needed to buy a new car, she bought a Mini.

So did Zoe Ball, Kate Moss, Harry Enfield and Jo Whiley.

They all bought Minis. Style sells!

That's why engineers are made these days

to work in cellars with little food.

The superstars of the car world are the designers. I have one here.

Peter Horbury. He's the boss of everything now - Ford, Jaguar...

but you were best known for turning Volvo

from making pea-green half-bricks into...

Well, what? Blue half-bricks, I suppose!

I really like how this car looks.

I think the function of Volvo was very evident.

It was a safe, practical car.

It's good to add style to something functional.

Here, we asked the designers to make a car with the front of a sports car,

and the back of a Ford Transit. And that's what you've got.

In essence, yes, because the front is very curved and round and sporty.

The screen pillars are angled in, much more than the older Volvos.

And if you go down the car, you'll see how the side glass pivots out.

So when it gets to the luggage area,

where you need the box, it's still there.

Add the vertical tailgate, and you've got the boxy Volvo.

But only where you need it.

You're always saying you need national characteristics in a car.

So this has to look Swedish.

But to me, that sounds like gobbledegook. What is Swedish?

Well, it's a caring society, so everyone is looked after in a Volvo.

They're also practical, so we have the estate car.

But you can also put the visual character of a country into a car.

He'll do a Rolf Harris moment now! Let's see if you can still do this.

Think back to the forties. A typical British car was, from the front,

very curvaceous, very round. Lots of full, voluptuous shapes.

That was typical of a car anywhere in that era.

In Sweden they were different. They had simple verticals,

with a horizontal in between,

and with the same shapes on the grille.

This is the Volvo 544. You don't recognise it. No, I don't!

AS ROLF: Can you see what it is yet? Oh, the Volvo 544.

It's a very different form.

Look at other products of the time, like furniture.

The British 1940s armchair had the same form language as the car.

But in Sweden, it was different.

It had the same simple shapes and curves.

That's how wood bends, so that's how they built chairs. I'm spellbound!

That's like this one here. Yes.

See the simple flat wood, big radius... Swedish chair.

Same form language. That is how we designed the shoulders on the Volvo.

Where many cars would grow outwards and downwards,

the Volvo comes straight out, and there's a big radius, like the chair.

I thought that was to make it look solid.

Well, it is a visual representation of the side impact protection system.

I suppose you can still see the national characteristics a bit,

in Jaguars and so on, but then the Japanese have never had any...

They do now. I think they do. A Japanese car is full of detail.

Japanese people can single out a detail and appreciate it.

Japanese houses are all different. One is one size, the next isn't.

We see it as a visual mess, we Westerners.

But the Japanese look at each house individually. Really? Yeah.

The page of a Japanese magazine is mayhem to us. To them, it's simple.

You look at one detail at a time.

Your favourite car, I know, is this Porsche 928. Yes.

Why? I think it's a lovely-looking car, but not the best ever.

Why do you think this is so good? I think it's very, very significant.

Don't forget, this is 1976,

when other cars were folded-paper type designs, like the old Sirocco.

But this was new. Beautiful forms, all rounded, almost aircraft-like.

It had the first integrated bumpers. You could kick those.

It's a pure design. There's not a blemish on the surface.

It's just pure form, and that was very new then, and very unique.

And it lasted, didn't it? 20 years, this lasted. Not many cars would.

Now, the interesting thing about this car

is that when it came out, I believe you were working at Ford. Yes.

And you thought you'd take certain elements of this car

and put them onto a car you were designing at the time. Right.

Does anyone want to guess what car Peter, at the time,

thought he'd made look like a 928?

< Capri?

No. Let's just show everybody.

Ready? This, you think, looks like a 928.

Ahem, yes. That is a Ford Sierra XR4.

LAUGHTER

"God, that guy's got a Porsche! No, wait, it's a Ford Sierra."

Which bit were you thinking of when you did it?

The one detail in this particular XR4, which is identical to this,

is the side windows.

Here was one of the most exquisite forms in the automotive world, then.

There's that almost aircraft-like side window in that very clean door,

followed by this unique, wrapover second window.

Yeah... Well, here it is!

The front door window, plus the second window.

We just painted that black to create one shape... Yes...

..and then followed it with... If I stand back, will that help?

If you half close your eyes, or even fully close them, it helps a lot!

Oh, I've got it now. That's a 928, definitely.

For the moment, Peter, thanks very much. You're welcome.

No disrespect to Peter, but I can't agree.

Porsche 928 the best-looking car in the world? No!

If you ask me, this is. It's the Citroen DS. It's gorgeous!

But more importantly, it was launched in 1955.

Let me put that into perspective.

There you were in the '50s, doing your laundry.

Then suddenly, someone gives you one of these! It was mind-boggling!

Imagine having the creativity

to sit down at your drawing board in 1955,

when most cars still looked like sideboards,

and draw this as a car.

It's genius!

For me, and many others, this is one of the most beautiful cars ever.

It's so petite around the tail, but it's got a slightly angular look.

And towards the front, it widens out to the nose.

Those big, elegant eyes look feline. Then there's this expanse of glass.

Half the car is so rakish, but when you sit upright, it's so stately.

It's astonishing. On the first day the world saw this,

12,000 people said, "I like that. I'm going to buy one."

They sold 12,000 on the first day ever!

Now, we're not being strictly honest here,

because this is a 1972 Citroen DS. But let's get one thing clear.

The car they introduced in 1955, apart from a few cosmetic changes,

was built for 20 years, until 1975. So it must have got something right!

By the '70s, it was cleverer. Maybe too clever!

The headlamps swivelled with the steering wheel.

# Blue moon

# You knew just what I was there for

# You heard me saying a prayer... #

It wasn't just the looks that were futuristic, and boy, were they!

It was everything else. For example, those looks come from aerodynamics,

which then was considered by many to be akin to witchcraft.

Now, here's the really clever bit.

In the '50s, most of the world was still using mangles. This had disc brakes!

It had a hydraulic system

that controlled the suspension, the brakes, the steering,

and, in cars with a semi-automatic transmission, the gear changes, too!

All in 1955!

I hate it when I drive old cars. I really want one.

I think I'm getting the hang of this now.

The column shift is very slick, but it's just a bit different.

Once you have got the hang of it, it's great.

I'm in the wrong gear, but it's great.

Hmm. I'm not convinced. I quite like the car - quite,

but it's the people who drive DSs. That's the problem for me.

They wouldn't put a traffic cone on their head and reel down the street. That's the point.

You're missing the point. You're the man who has consistently won Britain's Worst-Dressed Man.

Even here! No, not now! I've been on a makeover programme now.

It's a car that you're just missing. Later on,

I'll show you what I think is the best-looking car.

I don't like it. You don't know what it is! I don't care!

Previously, we tried to prove that not all old people are bad drivers.

We invited grannies to come in and help us. We had lots of responses.

So we picked these five ladies to have a go.

Welcome to the Top Gear Granny Doughnut Challenge.

These are the grannies, and the car they'll drive

is the sporty rear-wheel drive Honda S2000.

Oh, it's gorgeous. So you like it? Yes, I do.

Are you going in the back? No!

LAUGHTER

Why would I go in the back?

'But before the doughnuts, it was cake time.'

You spread it over with lard,

and then put your layers of mixed fruit and cinnamon and sugar in.

You ought to get your food at the market, because it's home-made.

Can I get my bramble jelly there? You can.

The man who'll be teaching them is ace stunt driver Russ Swift.

Approach it slowly. It's not a fast manoeuvre.

Use first gear, then turn as if going in a circle,

then dip the clutch, build the revs up and spin the back wheels.

And what'll happen then...

Chalk is no substitute for burning rubber, as Russ demonstrates.

TYRES SCREECH

Ooh!

His front wheels are almost... ha-ha-ha!

Easy-peasy! Do it again!

Did you bring your incontinence pads?! No!

We've seen how you're meant to do it. We'll see how they got on, later.

I can't wait to see those grannies trying that. I can't wait.

But we'll have to, because each week we have a celebrity guest.

It's time to meet him - the star

of Ultimate Force and EastEnders.

Ladies and gentlemen, Ross Kemp!

APPLAUSE

How are you? All right? Very well. Have a seat.

Could your granny do that? Ha-ha-ha!

My granny's 86. She doesn't do doughnuts. She makes nice apple pies.

Have you tried one? Yes, but I'm not good at things like that.

You do your own stunt driving? I don't do it all - I do a lot.

Especially in EastEnders. The guys I worked with know I'm not telling porkies.

I did most of it. Who are they? Over there.

Wave, boys. Did he do his stunts?

Rob!

"He did". Thank you!

I said, stop the car!

Phil!

Did you crash it into the river? No, it was done on a catapult.

We drove it up to that point, then they put rubber dummies in.

Into the Thames. They got you out first? They did.

What do you drive? Actually, I can't guess.

I drive a 996 turbo. Oh, a 911? Yep.

Quite nice car. Very nice car. It is.

I hate to say it, cos I've always hated 911s. Why? The engine.

In the wrong place. Where should it be? At the back? No...

It's in the middle. It was at the back, but now it's in the middle, where the Formula One engine is.

It's a rear-engine car, still.

Am I right?

AUDIENCE: Yeah.

No.

They're all car bores here.

We had a thing last week where I said,

"Would people at home nominate someone you think is a car bore?"

We thought we'd get six or seven replies.

Do you know how many said they lived with one?

1,500. All women!

One of them wrote, "My boyfriend reads a Haynes manual in bed every night."

For a car he doesn't own!

We played a game with Jay Kay last week. He was scarily good.

We'll see if we can guess... audience, join in.

Let's have the first. Guess what it is.

That's a...

MAN SHOUTS

What?

Audi TT? Let's have a look. It is, it's a TT. As you can tell.

Pathetic!

APPLAUSE

We got blasted. Let's have the next.

I know what that is. Hazard a guess? Not a clue.

Only one firm puts its hinges outside. Don't know.

Solihull, I reckon.

I'll have a stab at this. Land Rover.

A Defender. Go out. You're right.

Feeling confident. You're right. Ooh, I've got one! The first one in two weeks.

What's the next one?

Calibra...? Calibra shape, but the headlamps are too modern for it.

Um.

Anyone? Come on, start. C'mon.

Alfa Romeo what?

↑ Punto. How do you know? You can't see!

They're studying car design!

If that's a Punto... it could be a Seat.

No, it's not. It's got to be a Punto.

Do you have a girlfriend?

LAUGHTER

Do you talk to her about this? You walk down the street going, "That's a..."

"It's a Hillman Hunter." Let's have another.

Here we go. That's a Boxster, isn't it?

Is it a Boxster? Or a turbo.

Let's have a look. Pull out. Let's see if Ross... Turbo.

Is it a... It's your car!

It IS my car. Just as well I got that one!

Your 911, you don't just potter about in it, either.

Tell us what you did on holiday last year.

I got in the car, which I wanted to enjoy, that's why you save for them.

I drove round the west coast of France,

through Spain, up into Italy, from Italy into Switzerland,

into Germany, from there into France, then home.

That's a pathetic holiday.

How long did it take?

Not long. Five days?

Five days? We hammered it. About six days. We didn't sleep, just drove.

Even... Two driving. It's not a holiday!

I loved every second. You can do things on autobahns you can't here. The car was designed for it.

Like? Going fast. How fast? HE MUTTERS: 200?

Up to 200. Over 200? Up to 200. It goes up to 200.

Talking of speed, you're not here to chat. Oh, no.

He's here, as with all our guests, to play Star In A Reasonably-Priced Car.

The idea is... It's a good car. Absolutely is.

Earlier, we put our celebrity into a Suzuki Liana, £10,000 of throbbing muscle...

Good car. We send you round the track, see how fast you go,

and name the fastest celebrity - we'll see it after it's edited.

For now, Ross Kemp!

APPLAUSE

On insider trading, we've got some real bargains.

Fancy an Alfa Romeo? Yeah. Gorgeous car.

166, the big one. Glamorous. Great looking.

The problem is it may depreciate,

and cost a lot to keep on the road.

But you can get one from Alfa Romeo, new, for £349 a month.

That's not that much - how does it work?

Contract hire. £1,000 deposit, then 35 months at £350 a month.

Drive that car for three years, have the servicing paid, then hand it back.

It's not a personal plan? It's contract hire. You've got to be VAT registered.

What would you pay for other cars?

I phoned up some leasing companies. For £350 a month, you could drive a Vectra(!)

Nice. Diesel! Glamorous.

Or a 406 - diesel!

This is the one that was a close-run thing for me - a Skoda Octavia!

It's the Alfa.

What about a Mercedes 5-series?

Two litre, a 2.2-litre 520 BMW? You're looking at about £100 a month more.

It's a big difference. £452 I got on a Merc E class.

Italian car on the cheap. Nice one. So cheap.

November's your month to do it. A bargain used car - Daewoo.

It went into liquidation. Yeah.

The administrator's getting rid of all the stock, and part of that deal is the cars.

All the company... 700 used Daewoos are just hitting the marketplace.

They're auctioned this week. Next week they'll be on forecourts.

Daewoo are cheap anyway - will they be cheap-cheap? Absolutely.

A Lanos is £10,500 new. It can be picked up 18 months old for £4,000.

Is 700 cars enough to affect the market? Will all Daewoos be cheap?

Yes. There's worry because GM have taken over.

They'll build a new network.

Next year there will be 100 new dealers so you'll get your service.

But before that, if you want a cheap car, it's not bad.

£4,000. That IS a cheap car. Yeah.

Finally, loads of people run a second car.

They look for a car cheap to run, a hatchback.

They spend anything from £9,000 to £15,000. A Clio?

Or a base Focus. Easy to drive, power steering, air conditioning.

Only problem - it depreciates badly.

In three years, two-thirds of its value will be lost.

Now here's an idea - you can buy a Ford Mondeo.

Good car. A 99 LS, something like three years old, 40,000 miles,

you'd pick one up for £4,500.

It's bigger. If it's a few years old, it's still fresh.

Buy from a dealer, get a warranty, service history, air con, power steering, air bags.

You'll lose £1,000 a year depreciation. Run it, throw it away.

We can have bigger cars for less? Fantastic.

More advice on how to save money. You'll make us millionaires! Thanks!

Richard argued that the Citroen DS is the best-looking car ever.

Well, this is the Lamborghini Miura,

the first mid-engine road car, 0-60 in 5.5 seconds.

In 1966... Look at the slats there, on the back window.

Look at the way it kicks up at the back.

I love those rear wheel arches, how they've pulled the metal over the tyres.

Some say this is the best-looking car.

But it isn't. This is.

MUSIC: "Rule Britannia" by Thomas Arne

Aston Martin launched the DB7.

# Britons never, never, never will be slaves. #

That's a lovely noise. To be honest, I could pull this car apart.

The early models were badly made, and it wasn't one thing, either.

Some caught fire, or just stopped.

The one I had had been built like Mr Potato Head.

It fell apart.

And more - it's based on the Jaguar XJS.

Its underpinnings are 25 years old now.

In dog years, that makes it 438.

Where's the climate control? Where's the radar-guided cruise control and the voice activation?

Radio Two. CD track three.

Nothing.

You get that stuff these days on a Jag costing half the price. Not in this.

ENGINE REVS

See what I mean about the noise?

But where's the get-up-and-go?

Even with a six-litre V12, it's got no more power than a parish council.

I might also ask, where's the headroom?

The computer is underneath the driver's seat.

It feels like a highchair.

It's worse in the convertible. The roof's about here.

I could go on all day, listing things that are wrong with this car.

But if you had one, and were going out,

you could say, "Shall we take the Aston?"

That sounds pretty good, doesn't it?

Pretty good.

Shall we take the Aston?

Aston.

As you cruise round Mayfair, past Purdy, Tiffany and Claridges,

you feel at home in a car like this.

It's not just the name that sends a shiver down the spine.

It's the looks.

And I don't think the DB7 is good-looking just for a car, either.

For me, the three best-looking things made by man are,

at number three, the Humber Suspension Bridge,

at number two, the SR71 spy plane, and at number one, this,

the Aston Martin DB7.

When Parkinson has a cricketer on,

and you get that... AS PARKINSON: My next guest in remarkable man,

and if I had ovaries, I'd bear his children.

NORMAL: That's how I feel right now.

I'm joined by the man who designed the DB7, Ian Callum.

You know Ivan the Terrible?

When his people had built the Basilica in St Petersburg,

he had their eyes gouged out so

they'd never do anything better.

Did anyone at Aston Martin say, "Ian, we've got to have your eyes?

"You'll never top this." Where are you now?

Jaguar. Yeah. Yes.

They wanted the Vanquish first.

That's another beauty. It's not bad.

You know the scary thing?

I've heard we'll never see the like of this ever again, because of legislation.

Legislation. From Brussels?

It's also from the car industry itself. It's self-policing. Is it?

It's pedestrian legislation.

What wouldn't be allowed if you

did the DB7 in a few years' time?

You have to have a lot of air between the bonnet and the engine.

So if you run someone over, their head... Can deform into the bonnet.

How much air? About three inches.

You have to... Yes. You can't smooth it over. You have to lift it.

Technology might help us there.

We may be able to deploy the bonnet. Deploy it? Yes.

What do you mean? It lifts up. When you hit someone? Yes.

Fantastic! It's very difficult.

I'm gonna run that person over. Look at my bonnet!

Is that possible? It may be, but it's not the immediate answer.

There's also other legislation coming in,

from the US, looking after unbelted occupants.

That's people who drive who do not wear seatbelts. We must look after them.

American law? Absolutely. If they don't... Many Americans...

AMERICAN ACCENT:

I'm too fat. ..don't wear them.

Really? Absolutely. And you have to protect them? Absolutely.

How will this change the shape?

We calculate the trajectory of the head,

and that sets up a package which comes in through here.

This point here has to go up and forwards,

which means the screen gets deeper.

You'll have to move that out. Yes. That's Postman Pat's van!

If you've got it to here and straight along...

We do call it the ice cream van, at work.

I'll tell you what I'd like to do now, OK?

Car designers can draw beautifully when you give them paper. Some of them can.

Don't!

If you did that, you can draw.

Let's get Peter in. This is your easel.

We have to think of something to draw. Any suggestions?

Impreza. Something we want to see in the future.

A modern-day E-Type. You're at Jaguar. This shouldn't be difficult.

You're at Jaguar as well, but higher up.

You can both get cracking, now.

I tell you what.

I'll have a go as well.

How hard can it be to be a car designer?

Peter, is this OK, because having worked at Volvo,

they had Etch-A-Sketches.

True. We don't use computers.

I'm gonna start with the wheels. Anyone got a coin I can draw around?

Are you doing it with current legislation in mind, or what you'd like to do?

IAN: What we'd like to do. Good idea.

How big should it be with wheels that big? Why are you laughing?

AUDIENCE MUTTER

It's not a Hummer! It's an E-Type.

I've finished. Fantastic. Let's have a look at yours.

Where's the engine? In the front. It's a front engine? Yes.

It could be rear. You've got no overhang at all. None at all. Beautiful.

Let's see what the former Volvo man's done.

Early days, but... It's exactly the same!

LAUGHTER

How did you do that?

That's exactly the same! Look at that!

Can we get the two together?

I'd definitely put your name on it. He's nicked it.

Look at that. OK.

They're exactly the same!

PETER: That's why we designed Jags.

Know what I think? I suspect there's an E-Type Jag coming,

and that you both know what it looks like.

If you want to vote for what you think is the best-looking car ever,

do so by internet, sending us a letter, or call on a cellular phone.

Thank you Ian Callum and Peter Horbury. Lovely to have you.

Thank you.

Well,

the tape has been edited.

Put me out of my misery.

Shall we see the lap? Oh, go on, please. Play the lap.

Oh! That's good.

I'm doing this in the pouring rain.

TYRES SCREECH

That was rubbish.

Floor, floor, floor, floor, floor. Second.

Ooh! Ross!

That was too steep. It looks slower on TV!

Second. You brake...

And he taps it.

Full power, full power.

Brake. Oh, you're too early!

Bring it in. You've got to put power on. You lost all your power, son.

Messed up the last bend.

You messed up the last bend. There you go.

It was raining. It was. Rain slows you down.

What we thought we'd do... After you did that, we sent Stig the racing driver out.

He did, on a dry track, 1.46.

We sent him out in the wet and he did a 1.50.

He was four seconds slower.

Would you like to know what your wet time was? Camera in tight.

Why did I do this? Do you think it's slower than Harry Enfield? I hate you!

We take four seconds off for a dry time.

Your time... This is the wet time.

Your wet time was one minute, 54 seconds.

I think a round of applause for that.

Well, I'm surprised.

Because actually...

I'll put you there. I'm gonna double it for wet, OK?

Actually, you and I are the same. We like that.

I like that. Well done. Ross Kemp. Thank you. Thanks, mate.

Right. Grannies going doughnuts. It's time.

They've seen what to do. All they have to do now is have a go.

First up, Joy had a bash.

Joy is 73. You don't mind me saying that.

She's proud to say she once won an essay-writing competition.

Here's what happened.

I can't reach the pedals. Let's go forward.

Try the clutch. Can you get full travel?

I never take my clutch off like that.

I'm very careful with my clutch.

ENGINE REVS

Good luck to Joy. She's quite nervous.

TYRES SCREECH

Yes!

< Get it going. LAUGHTER

Dip the clutch. Build the revs. Let the clutch out now.

That's it. Keep it there. Don't do anything.

Keep going! Keep going! Good girl.

Go, go! Less throttle. Not quite so much throttle. That's it!

Ah! We... We didn't know what to say.

Joy, that was... What a star! Fantastic!

Now the next three have a go.

OK. This is Gwyneth.

Build the revs up. Clutch out.

Power! More power. Good. Keep it going.

Keep it going.

< Yeeay!

Whoa! In the rough!

LAUGHTER

And now it's Beryl.

Get the revs up! Keep your foot on the floor, that's good, keep it up!

Keep going on the throttle! Harder on the throttle! Keep it there!

Keep it there! Hard on the throttle!

And back now to Gwyneth. Keep going, keep going, keep going, keep going!

HYSTERICAL LAUGHTER

That's good. Let it out now, hard! And finally, Ann.

Keep it going, just the same. Keep it going, keep it going!

You're going round and round!

APPLAUSE

Can you hear the applause? Don't stop, you're doing the best one!

OK, stop now. Go straight ahead.

Oh, fantastic! How was that? Brilliant! Thank you.

I can't tell you how exciting that

was to be there - you were all stars.

But we've proven then that, you know,

older people can drive properly.

But we want to know how far you can go with this, you know, seventies.

This is Sadie. Hello. Hello. How old are you, Sadie? I'm not telling you.

She's 80. No! Richard! She IS 80. Watch this.

ENGINE REVS

Imagine doing that round Piccadilly Circus!

TYRES SCREECH

Ooh, my word! Ooh, hello!

Hang on in there, Sadie!

Power, hard power, go on, power it! Harder!

More power, more power! Keep it going!

Keep it going! Go, go, go, go, go!

Good girl! Brilliant! Absolutely

brilliant, fantastic! Keep it going!

Back off a bit on the throttle! Keep it going, keep it going!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

What a star! Wha-wha-wha! Once she'd started, she wouldn't stop until her tyres were gone!

Yours was better than Russ the instructor! Without Russ, what would we have done?

They liked Russ. Oh yes!

You are all stars, old people can drive, grannies can drive, fantastic!

CHEERING AND APPLAUSE

I've never seen anything like that! It's amongst the most inspiring sights I've ever seen.

When Sadie's white head disappears in smoke!

Another challenge - if you're a man of the cloth - we're not being... we can be multi-denominational.

Yeah. Any religious denomination - we can have mullahs,

or rabbis...or priests... Yeah.

I'm struggling to remember..!

If you're someone who goes to work, collar on back to front, dress, whatever,

and think you can drive quicker than someone from another religion, get in touch.

LAUGHTER

No, that's a good idea.

I'd quite like to see Hector the rector up against a mullah.

"He's been mullah-ed."

So write to us at, er... What address shall we have this week?

I never know this - London W12

7TS or F - put both.

LAUGHTER

Or use your ecclesiastical internet or a quill and a carrier pigeon.

In the first programme of the series,

we saw the Zonda go round our test track at an amazing 1.23.

We all thought we'd never see quicker than that.

But we said, "If you've got a car that can beat that, get in touch."

We had thousands of responses, most of which we threw away.

But we heard from one that - listen - it caught my eye... It took out mine.

A small company, Westfield.

This is their car, it is the Westfield XTR.

This programme is about style - I'm in my special trousers, you've turned up with this.

It's form following function, it looks good.

We said you can only take a car on the track if it's road-legal. Look!

So, that'll be it on the road, then.

So you can take it on the road, but it won't beat Zonda on the track.

The Zonda has a 7.3-litre engine and this has a... 1.3-litre engine.

1.3? But it's very light.

Have you driven one?

I'm 42, you don't get in orange cars at 42! I HAVE driven it, look.

The Westfield XTR.

It only has a 1300CC engine - it doesn't have a leather, chrome,

aluminium and carbon fibre interior. It doesn't really have an interior.

You don't get a pair of the Pope's shoes with it like with the Zonda.

You don't actually get a windscreen, in fact.

And you can build one yourself in your garage for under £20,000.

But this only weighs 410kg.

A Mini weighs almost three times that.

So just maybe we could have a proper David and Goliath thing going on here.

Now that engine - yeah, it's only a 1300, but it's a bike engine.

A Suzuki Hayabusa to be precise, meaning it develops 170bhp.

In a car this light,

that equates to a power to weight ratio of 460bhp per tonne. A lot.

It's a heck of a lot! Ha-ha!

The mighty Zonda only manages 440bhp per tonne.

So, maybe a budget DIY job could embarrass a mega-money supercar.

The best thing about a bike engine is it means revs and more revs!

And then MORE revs! It's incredible!

Every control is absolutely rigid!

The steering is like reaching down and turning the wheels with my hand!

Because it's a bike engine, we get a bike clutch -

designed to be used with your fingers not your foot.

So you have to be very careful with it.

Once again, that grip just...

Rrrr! This car is so much better than I am! It's laughing at me.

Ho, ho, ho! Do you know, I've just sorted my Christmas present list!

"Dear Father Christmas, Don't come down the chimney. I'll leave the garage door open. Drop it off."

What a machine! It's a proper Jack Russell.

Will it go round our test track faster than the mighty Zonda? No.

Right, we'll see.

That's the Stig, there's the telemetry, look.

That is not a slow car, is it?

A 1.3-litre car could not reach the first corner as fast as the Zonda.

Look how he goes through that first corner, that's an interesting line.

Power to weight, you see, guys.

You can see the 'G' as he comes up to the steady state corner -

Chicago Corner, we call this.

There's the map - the little red dot.

Look at those numbers! The Zonda was doing 184,000 at this stage.

But look at this thing corner. This is the Hammerhead -

it'll unsettle nearly anything.

But not that, look, if you could...

Want to know something terrifying? Yes.

That's two seconds faster than the Zonda. Thank you!

If you could see the Stig's face,

it'd be smiling, I mean look at this!

He's losing now.

THEY TALK OVER EACH OTHER

You're talking rubbish, you're nowhere tall enough to know.

I'll mention power to weight again!

Here comes the time, 1.21, 1.22.

1.22. Shh...

Fantastic! How good was that?

A £20,000 car you can build in your shed, that's in your shed, guys!

So I'm going to put that on here.

XTR... X...T... What was it?

It was 1.22.6 - I'm going to round it up to 1.23.

The Zonda did it in 1.23. That goes on the top.

That is the quickest car, the Westfield did it.

On that bombshell, we... Ooh no! Before you do that, Jeremy.

Remember the designers, Jeremy did his drawing? I'd forgotten.

Bear in mind how many cars this man's driven over the centuries.

Let's have a look... Excellent!

LAUGHTER

It's good. My wheels went wrong. Pathetic. We'll send it to Hyundai.

That's their next new model. They'd bite your arm off. Probably.

I won't tell you what's on next week, we always change our mind,

but there'll be some of this:

That's the Aston Martin Vanquish

versus the Ferrari 575 with the Fiorano handling pack on it.

Night!

Subtitles by BBC Broadcast, 2002.

E-mail us at subtitling@bbc.co.uk