Original subtitles

(DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING, CROWD CHEERING)

Now welcome, folks, I'm sure you'd like to know

We're at the start of one big circus show

There are acts that are cool and acts that amaze

Some acts are scary and some acts will daze

Acts of all kind and you can count on that

From folks that fly to disappearing acts

There are lots of surprises for the family

At the Greatest Show in the Galaxy!

So many strange surprises, I'm prepared to bet

Whatever you've seen before

You ain't seen nothing yet

- ACE: Professor? - Yes?

Have you seen my Nitro-9?

- Isn't it in your rucksack? - Yeah, but where's my rucksack?

Interesting question.

Things don't just vanish.

No.

(BEEPING)

What's that peculiar noise?

What peculiar noise? I don't hear any peculiar...

How extraordinary! It's materialised inside the TARDIS.

ACE: Is that unusual?

Almost without precedent.

Ah, back, back, back, back!

(ELECTRONIC TRILLING)

The radiation count's normal.

- Nice. - Ah, stay back!

There are a few other measurements I've got to make.

- Erm... - Hey, what's this one measure?

Hmm... Good question.

- And this one? - This one? Erm...

Ah, this one measures, er, this one.

There it is, look.

- What's that? - That? Er, nothing springs to mind.

Ah, but now this one, this one measures explosives.

- Explosives? - Well, yes, it might be a bomb.

- If it is, can I keep it? - No!

Well, it looks all right to me.

Just the kind of thing you'd expect to see in this part of the galaxy.

Is that just what you'd expect, too, Professor?

Mmm, not entirely, no.

MALE ANNOUNCER: Yes, it's festival time at the Psychic Circus,

the Greatest Show in the Galaxy!

So why not come along and have the time of your life

with the nonstop action of its glittering circus ring.

There's big prizes...

Oh, no, I don't believe it. Junk mail.

We used to get mounds of the stuff through the letterbox.

And now you're being bombarded with it inside the TARDIS.

Yes, junk mail gets everywhere.

...or whether you want to compete,

there's a great time for you on the planet Segonax.

The planet has easy access via our special poly-portable landing bays.

Oh, Ace,

I thought you'd have been interested in the circus.

No, kid's stuff.

I went once.

Didn't even have any tigers.

It was naff and it was boring.

- Apart from the clowns, of course. - What, you found them funny?

No, creepy.

I think you're being very unfair. A lot of the acts in the circus

require a great deal of skill and courage.

That's something you should appreciate.

Anyway, I rather fancy

entering the festival talent contest myself.

Oh, no, not the spoons again.

- SATELLITE: Scared? - What?

Scared to come to the Psychic Circus?

- No. - Scared to take part?

No, course not.

Well, if you are, then go ahead, ignore me.

I quite understand.

I don't believe it. Junk mail that talks back.

Well, shall we just fling it away and forget about it?

I mean, I'm sure the Psychic Circus isn't scary at all.

It's just a device to get us to go.

Okay, you win, junk box.

I'm not scared of anything.

ow!

Come on, we can't give up now.

They'll catch us, I know it. They'll drag us back to the circus.

Oh, Bellboy, please. You promised.

You know it's down to us now. We're the only ones left to fight!

Come on!

Flowerchild, look. Your kites, your beautiful kites.

(WHOOSHING)

So this is Segonax.

Oh!

Not quite the green and pleasant land we've been led to expect.

Still, I've had good reports of the friendliness of the natives.

I don't see this landing base, Professor.

Oh, I expect that's for those not fortunate enough to possess a TARDIS.

So now where?

I'll ask for directions over there.

Good afternoon.

I'm the Doctor, this is my friend Ace.

What sort of costume do you call that?

- I don't understand. - And hers is no better.

We don't want your type around here.

Ah, and um, what type might that be?

Weirdos. You can tell them at a glance, you know.

- Friendly natives, eh, Professor? - Let's not be hasty.

- First impressions can be misleading. - Yeah.

- Like with clowns. - Precisely.

(SIGHS)

There's no choice.

No. The kites will track us forever.

One of us must get there.

I want you to have this.

Thanks.

Look, I'll wait here a while and see if I can find a longer route round,

to draw them after me.

No silly risks, now.

(SOFTLY) Go on. Go on.

They can't have lost them.

I thought not.

Come on, kites. Find me!

Oh, yuck! Do we really have to eat this muck?

Elementary diplomacy, my dear Ace.

She apparently thinks we're a pair of undesirable intergalactic hippies.

We must try and convince her we're nice, clean-living people

who eat up all our fresh fruit and pay our way.

Paying good money for this muck is daylight robbery.

- Do I have to finish it? - Every last bite.

Besides, we want the charming lady

to tell us how to find the circus, don't we?

Delicious, madam. Quite delicious.

Come on, then!

It's me, Bellboy!

That's who you're looking for, isn't it?

(SHOUTING) What are you waiting for?

Come on!

More?

Er, no. Delicious but extremely filling.

I'm... I'm sure you will have gathered by now, dear lady,

we're not the kind of hobbledehoys and vagabonds

you take such exception to.

Indeed, as I said before, I'm known as the Doctor.

Some people will call themselves anything.

Yes, well, be that as it may, um, we would appreciate your help.

- (BIKE APPROACHING) - You see, we're looking for...

Here comes another one of your lot.

Look at that ace bike, Professor!

(BIKE BACKFIRING)

Need a hand? I reckon it could be a stuck valve.

- Get lost. - It's a great bike.

Go on, hop it, before I get angry.

Well, if you don't want to save yourself some time, then it's up to you.

- Course, it could be a valve... - I've told you, girl, get lost!

Or I'll do something 'orrible to your ears.

Suit yourself. And I hope your big end goes.

He'll be going there. They all go there, you know.

Go where?

The Psychic Circus. All the riff-raff go there.

All the infernal extraterrestrials like him.

Monopods from Lelex, Doctors.

I don't understand. What, you're saying that he's going to the circus?

Of course. Every one of them's up to no good goes there.

We locals wouldn't touch it with a barge pole.

- Is it far, this appalling spectacle? - Miles and miles.

Why do you suppose he's got that noisy monstrosity polluting the countryside?

Here, you're not thinking of going there, are you?

Oh! Oh, the very idea...

Um, just a moment. Would you excuse me?

Ace, any chance of a lift, do you think?

Worth a try, I suppose.

He doesn't look after that bike, you know. If only he'd let me...

Yes, yes, never mind, Ace.

Let's concentrate on getting a lift to the circus.

Excuse me. If you're going to the circus,

I wonder if could possibly give...

Do you want me to do something unpleasant to your face?

- No, not really, no, but I... - No one rides with me!

For I am Nord, Vandal of the Roads.

If you say so.

Now listen here, pug face!

This here's the Doctor, right,

and you don't go round telling him to go away.

- (ENGINE RUMBLES) - Give us a lift to the circus, right,

or I'll do something very nasty to your ears, okay?

Oh...

We don't seem to be getting very far.

Literally.

I bet he still hasn't fixed that valve.

(ENGINE BACKFIRES)

Hmm.

- Ah! - Hold tight, please.

There's something not quite right about all this.

You're telling me.

Arriving in a machine that can travel through all of time and space,

then having to foot it across miles of countryside

to get to where we want to go.

I was talking about the atmosphere.

As I told you before,

Segonax was known for it's remarkably tolerant and easygoing ways.

Now they'd bite your head off as soon as look at you.

Precisely.

Well, I wouldn't be so chuffed if I kept getting visitors

- like Nord the Vandal, I suppose. - That's true.

But then, you hardly expect a hard case like him

to be going to the circus, anyway.

Maybe he got conned, like I was.

Something evil's happened here, I can feel it.

- To do with the circus? - Who knows?

Doctor, look!

Well, on certain planets, Treops, for example.

there are sites like this every day. You'll take them for granted.

I remember on one of my trips to Neogorgon,

I came across a whole valley full of electronic dog heads

submerged in mud. (CHUCKLES)

Some sort of primitive alarm system, fallen into disuse, I presume.

I was probably the first person to visit the valley for several millennia,

at the very least.

So something like this, which for the ordinary,

dull, old stop-at-home might seem quite extraordinary

is just run-of-the-mill, as far as I'm concerned. (LAUGHING)

Well, of course, since you've never been...

Captain.

Greetings. I'm the Doctor and this is my friend Ace.

And I am Captain Cook, the eminent intergalactic explorer.

You happen to have heard of me, old boy?

And I am Mags.

Oi, white-face. White-face!

Where do I park for the gig at the Psychic Circus?

(ACCELERATING)

Mmm, delicious.

My own special blend, of course. I take it everywhere.

Bet you can't guess the blend, hey, Doctor?

Well, I could be wrong, of course, but isn't it from

- the Groz Valley of Melagophon? - Good. Very good, Doctor...

- I'll give you a hand. - Oh, Ace, wait a minute.

- Were you ever on Melagophon, Doctor? - Well, as a matter of fact, I was.

The frozen pits of Overod are worth seeing, of course,

though much overrated, I feel. All right for the trainee explorer.

Old hands like myself need something a bit more exotic.

Why come here, then?

- Sorry, old boy? - I said, why bother to come here?

Well, I'm told the Psychic Circus is quite an interesting little show,

particularly at this time,

when everybody turns up to compete in the festival.

Yes. Besides, she wanted to come.

- Do you often travel together? - Of late, yes.

I found her on the planet Vulpana.

Just between you and me, old boy, she's rather an unusual little specimen.

- Of what? - Ah, that would be telling, old boy.

What about yours?

I never think of Ace as a specimen of anything.

Keep your shirt on, Doctor.

Everything's a specimen of something.

Take that robot over there, for example.

What do you reckon, Professor?

Well, I suppose it was buried for some good reason.

Well, maybe we'll find out what that reason was, eh, Professor?

(SCREAMING)

- Gordon Bennett! - Ow!

Quick! Out of its reach.

Help, Captain!

Remarkable. You don't often see one like that, do you?

I've seen ones like this quite often enough, thank you very much!

Do something!

I've got it.

- (LASER FIRES) - (THUDS)

Well, well. More tea, perhaps?

(WINDS HOWLING)

Wow!

Well, there's nothing like a nice walk in the countryside.

And this is nothing like a nice walk in the countryside.

Ho, ho, ho. Well, it could be worse.

You could be carrying that heavy rucksack of yours.

Yeah, what about my rucksack, Professor?

- What did you do with it? - Look out!

(HORN BLARING)

They seem to be in rather a hurry. Looking for customers.

Oh, no, I don't believe it.

COOK: ...as many trips as I have,

you get to know that these vehicular shrines...

Well, at least the bus looks interesting.

Excuse me.

You can't lie down there, you know.

At last.

Where's the girl?

She'll have reached there by now.

If she has, she'll regret it.

Is there no end to you weirdos?

It's obviously some sort of shrine.

I saw one much like this on Dioscuros.

Shrine or not, I can't help feeling something sinister happened here.

I wonder you manage to explore anything.

Everything seems to alarm you so. (CHUCKLING)

Not everything. I trust my instincts,

and you may recall they're not always wrong.

Well, come on, Professor. Let's go and explore.

I agree with your young friend. Let's explore.

- Here, look at this. - I say.

Well, well, well, this is quite something.

- Wonder if it still goes? - Yes.

- Now, the one I saw on Dioscuros... - Ace, I wouldn't.

(BEEPS)

Any more fares, please? Any more fares?

No standing inside.

Hold tight, please.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I say. Steady on, old chap.

Fares, please. Hold on tight.

- Ding, ding. - No, no, no,

you've got it wrong, old boy.

He's paying the fares, not me.

Any more fares?

I would like a ticket, actually.

I'd like a there-and-back off-peak weekend break

supersaver, senior citizen bimonthly season

with optional luggage facilities, a free cup of coffee in a plastic glass,

a crocodile sandwich and make it snappy, you mechanic moron!

(EXHALES)

If I might take a look at that ticket machine of yours?

Ah, yes.

(ZAPS)

Any more fares? Any more... (DISTORTING)

(EXPLOSION)

Just the ticket.

- What have you done? - Not nearly enough.

- We need him. - He'll have to be punished, Morgana.

- Flowerchild? - No.

- Flowerchild! - Where is she?

He still thinks she may have escaped.

- Listen, Bellboy, I... - Save your breath!

Take him back in the ring. He knows what's waiting there.

No. No.

No! No! No!

- What if a visitor arrives now? - If they come, they come.

Some people can't bear to be proved wrong.

He'd have let tinhead do you in.

Oh, let's not bear a grudge.

He can't help being a pompous, selfish, self-satisfied meddler.

Hmm. Mags might be okay if he wasn't around.

If a little odd.

Doctor, look.

- Do you like it? - Yeah.

Well, if the keeper's not here, the finder has it.

Ace.

What do you reckon happened here, Professor?

Were the people in this bus attacked on their way to the circus?

Presumably. Whoever attacked them

destroyed them and wrecked the bus.

And the evil you felt, was that the bus conductor?

Yes, I think so.

Anyway, whoever left him here on guard has gone now,

perhaps millennia ago.

Nothing to do with the circus being scary?

I'm afraid I think not. No, that was all just good publicity.

Pity. It might have made it more interesting.

Are we still going there, then?

Yes! I feel just in the right mood.

And after two brushes with death in one day, I hope you might be.

- If you say so, Doctor. - Ah, so, Doctor. You can remember.

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi!

Hello, young man.

- Just arrived from the landing port? - That's right.

Oh, you've no idea

what a relief for me it is to see such a nice,

clean, respectable young man

after the riff-raff I usually have to deal with.

- Can I help you at all? - Yes, please.

Could you tell me the way to the Psychic Circus?

- The show is about to start. - I've seen enough already.

Greetings, my good woman.

This is the Psychic Circus, isn't it?

- Why, yes, that's right. - Ah!

Sounds like things are going well. Come along, Mags.

- But, uh... - But what?

You can't go in just now.

There is a speciality act being rehearsed.

All the better, my dear.

- No, you don't understand. - (GIGGLING)

Thank you, my good fellow. Thank you.

(WHIP CRACKS)

Now welcome, folks, I'm so glad you came

To one big circus with one big name

There are lots of surprises, you can take it from me

It's the greatest show in the galaxy!

(WHIP CRACKS)

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Not as far as we feared, look.

I still think clowns are creepy.

(CHUCKLES) Nonsense.

(WHIP CRACKS)

(CIRCUS MUSIC PLAYING)

(CROWD CHEERS)

BELLBOY: Ah!

(DISTORTED WARBLING)

(BELLBOY MOANING)

(SCREAMS)

Listen, they're all having a good time in there.

Don't you hear it?

- Hear what? - That screaming.

- (ELECTRONIC BUZZING) - (SCREAMING)

(SCREAMING SILENCES)

- I can't hear anything. - I was sure I heard...

Oh, you're just making excuses 'cause you don't like circuses.

No. No, it's not that.

(ELECTRONIC BUZZING, SILENT SCREAMING)

Well, are we going in or aren't we?

(DOCTOR WHO THEME PLAYING)