All language subtitles for lock_stock_s01e02_and_two_hundred_smoking_kalashnikovs

Hey, this is a kebab out.

No pizza, yeah?

Get out of here, man.

What's the name?

Ambulance.

Stop, Danny.

It was the usual Saturday night. Good
turnout, skirt, the sweepstakes up and

running. Jamie on one.

No reason to think it was all about to
go tipped up.

50 quid on Jamie. 50 quid on Jamie, I'll
have some of that, man. Nice one, baby.

Easy running.

No chance.

We're on.

Right.

Easy now.

Go on, my son.

Sharp, sharp.

He's on the home straight, look.

Come on, Jamie, get in there.

Look at that.

By her length.

Crash and burn.

Shit.

It's two words, three Fs.

She's got to be a Velcro.

Oh, that's it. Now, look, all bets are
off if she likes a bit of fucking fuzz

fuzz. Stand back, you amateurs.

My favourite is at the gate.

Not for any of us.

Of course, the bird in question was a
ringer. I fished her out the local

shop. Gave her the spiel, a cut and a
bottle of bubbly.

300 notes for chatting up a bit of
skirt.

I must say, she did scrub up well.

My checkout girl was going to do me
proud.

These boys was easy meat when they'd had
a few.

When all of a sudden, there's a whiff of
Paco Rabanne and disaster.

The shoes were Kenzo.

The suit was Armani.

The shirt was Tumbler Nasser.

Robbie Rossi. A donkey turned
thoroughbred.

Back in school, he used to pay girls for
a ten -second tongue job.

Now look at him.

Got dragged off to Scunthorpe with his
old man's firm.

Then fucks off to Kuala Lumpur. Comes
back five years later.

Loady. Now Leighton Stone's own
Casanova.

In short, a right flash bastard.

The penny dropped.

The favourite had been nobbled.

The little bloke, the greaseball, Kerry
O'Dowd.

Robbie always liked a posse. OK, you
sados.

London.

Saturday night.

We're all wedged up.

What are we going to do?

Sit around these prick teasers all
night.

Well, what have you got in mind?

Your guy, Lodper Darby. Him versus the
Sheepshakes.

Yes!

What the

fuck

is going on?

It's like Beirut out there.

Who's my community liaison officer right
now?

Trevor Trusco.

Well, get that tosher in here.

I haven't got a clue, Miami.

Well, that's not good enough, Trevor.

You're paid to know what's going on.

You fuck all use for anything else.

I've got all me feelers out.

Feelers? You're not an ant. I've got a
war on my manor. Why?

Word is, it's something to do with Eddie
the Diamond.

Who what?

The Diamond.

A spader runs the clubs down Woolworth.

Diamonds, clubs, spades. What, we
drifting anyone hand of poker here?

It's not his real name.

Oh, you amaze me.

So what's his kosher handle?

Eddie Bundon.

Eddie Bundon?

Eddie Bundon's opened a club on my
manor.

Why didn't you tell me five minutes ago?

It's just a top -notch place, Miami, for
a 12 -year -old smoking wacky -backy.

They don't even pull pocket money.

You mean to tell me that cockroach has
opened a maggot hole on my patch and

you've done fuck all about it?

I've got pizza delivery boys driving up
and down my high street shooting

colanders out of each other.

Now get round to that fucker's gaff and
tell him that as of tomorrow, he's out

of the club business.

We're not going to look too clever
leaning on a bunch of juveniles, boss.

I don't care if their fucking foetuses
get round there and slap a few arses.

Eddie the Diamond.

I'm going to have to have a little word
with you, my son.

Vodka derbies was Robbie's favourite.

Yeah, lad, it's lovely.

Right, are we ready?

Robbie was a champion in his youth.

But you know what they say, if you want
to box really smart, send some other

geezer into the ring.

No spitting.

No spilling, no barfing.

Three, two, one, go.

Now bacon is a sponge.

And if the dosh is right, we'll soak it
up by the barrel.

I'm not talking a suitcase here, Lou.

I'm talking quality schmutter.

What have you got?

Girl -powered T -shirts and a leather
flying jacket?

Yeah.

100 % silk, double -stitched, designer.

Original?

As good as.

What are you trying to tell me there?
That is Mickey Mouse.

We've got a Chinaman out there who can
imitate any cut.

We give him a pot of tea and a bowl of
speed. He turns it out the next day.

Okay.

I'm mildly impressed.

You're fucking interesting.

In a few days, I'll have a truckload of
this stuff.

Jamie, boy, how's it hanging?

The kiwi's a fucking fish.

Final fence.

Final fence.

A splash of paint thinner makes all the
difference.

Say goodnight, matey.

What do you want us to do?

There's a certain amount of interest in
gear of this quality from the church

boys. Church boys?

C of E.

Anyone speak English?

Customs and excise.

So cut to the chase.

What I need from you is a truck, a
driver, somewhere to load the gear to

me fire.

Doable.

Plus 20 up front to pay off the captain
of the boat. 20 large.

All refundable with interest.

How much interest?

150%. Well, you've got yourself a deal,
my son, haven't you?

I know it's a bit of an outlay, given
our present cash flow. What's this?

But the profit margins more than
compensate for the cost.

That is a bagel, and that is smoked
salmon.

Injecting much -needed funds into our
accounts.

Now... And that is eggs.

And they're from ends.

Yeah, cheers.

And what's this white shit on top of it?
That is Hollandaise sauce, you pedant.

Will you two put a dummy in? I'm trying
to explain business here. Yeah, you tell

him, Lee.

We're about to expend a considerable
outlay of folding.

I'd appreciate a little bit of
attention.

We're buying some threads from Robbie.

Where's the drama?

Oh, it's that simple, is it? First,
we've got to find someone to house the

Put them in my mum's back room.

Second, we need to find someone who's
got a truck.

Kerry the greaseball said he'd do us a
cheap rental.

And we've got to find a driver who can
handle a four -tonner.

I've driven four tons.

When in flying fuckland have you driven
a four -tonner? When I left school, I

had a job delivering taters.

Right.

Hey, I'll raise the capital.

What's this white shit?

Trouble is, Lee's idea of a money lender
ain't exactly the co -op.

You're a lifesaver, Barry.

We'll pay you back by the end of the
week.

Oh, can I make a profit?

Oh, yeah.

By the end of the week.

So you'll pay me back.

Because I need that money.

I've got big plans.

That's great, Barry.

Barry, that's beginning to hurt a little
bit.

You won't let me down.

Not like the others.

Who's been letting it down, Barry?

The pigeons.

I'm not talking a suitcase here, Mr.
Weiss. I'm talking quality schmutter.

100 % silk, double -stitched, designer.

Probably only a clothes rail that is in
the entire universe.

Cut the crap, son. What's the price?

100 grand.

The lot.

Now, listen, son.

There's one or two ground rules you need
to establish here.

Nobody, but nobody, operates on my
patch.

But you got bollocks, son.

And I like to give a lad a break.

Let's just call it charity, shall we?
I'll give you 50 and I'll sling you up

come back and you're done to drop.

Yeah.

I'm here to see Eddie the Diamond.

You want a drink?

I want to see Eddie the Diamond.

He ain't here.

What the hell did you do that for, man?
Why don't you get some extra?

I want to see Eddie the Diamond.

You're playing with fire.

I ain't fucking asking!

You have to ditch it. I reported Nick
last Thursday.

Keep the keys. There's bloody murder to
the place.

Oh, yeah, forget the time. Rip the radio
out. Always a nice touch.

Any problems?

Just trying to override the governor.

Give us a bit more poke.

For fuck's sake, Bacon, we don't want to
pull for speeding. It's a joke.

Checking the aisle, dipstick.

Oh, by the way, lads, I'll be driving.

Fuck off.

Watch me. Oi!

Oi, I'm not sitting in the fucking
bedroom!

Nice

one,

3 -3.

Ting it.

Dit.

It's my playground, ting.

And I, I am the troll.

What the fuck are you talking about?

You ain't got no sting in your tail
here, nigger.

You'll make my blood boil.

Trevor, have you any idea what he's
trying to say?

Rothman, you's like a blind dog pissing
up the wrong tree.

Look, do you even know why we're here,
Diamond?

We not know nothing about that.

All me know is what Jar Jar know.

Jar Jar say, you will be shit.

And they

knew you

was from me?

I think so, guv.

Yeah, I did say it.

I am here in the name of Miami Rice.

And a fuck is set about us with baseball
bats.

Right then.

They've had it.

What are we doing with this?

That fucking club is history.

Benito, cap hooked, fucked.

I don't care how you do it. Dynamite the
gap if you have to.

Here.

You like that look, Jack?

Yeah, I'm okay, boss.

Don't argue. Get it looked at.

You know who's really responsible?

Surprise me.

The Russians.

I'm talking about the emigres.

The Russian mafia.

It's the Moscow white -black market.

They're flooding the streets with
shooters.

Since that wall come down, anyone with a
fiver can pick up all their army

surplus shit.

Why would the ex -commies be snuggling
up with a funny haircut's pill -popping

brigade? Well, so do anyone.

Anyone?

Trevor.

Give me a rat.

20 grand.

You lucky fuck. You're getting money for
jam.

What?

Send some fucking money.

You pull up at pier 17, give the captain
his whack and load the gear.

Now, I've got a fire, so you deliver to
this address.

Meet me back here in two hours. I'll
have the divvy. Oi.

Who's the buyer?

Bit of a nutter, but got a good price.

Movie motor.

Nefarious, you're confusing me with
someone who gives a shit.

Today's Wednesday.

Wednesday's your flag day.

I cough up.

All I'm asking is a couple of extra
days.

Does this go?

Bleeding tanks.

They're opening frigging business jobs
all over the open place.

Four on the high road this month.

Now they're leaning on me.

You've no idea how tired all this
bollocks is making you.

I have to see the manager down at the
bank.

The time and the amount is not, was not,
and

never will be negotiable.

Two days.

Free thing.

Miami, please.

No, no, Miami, please. I beg you.

Now, I'm just taking a look.

Did

I

ask you to come in?

I've been put out of frigging business
by the frigging Turkish.

Now my office is a frigging worse name.

Open house.

Okay, boss. I leave.

What's happening to you?

Sorry, boss.

Nefarious and stitchy little thing on
your personal... It's like having a dog

and having to shit in the park yourself.

Bobby!

What? I've got a note, don't give it
back, don't give it back.

I've got three feet!

The bastard's got three feet!

Miami, we don't have the teams hit all
these clubs on the same night.

That's not a hit.

It's a ground war.

So we draft men in.

We've done it before.

It's not exactly a skilled job, is it?

I can't send them in with baseball bats.

These kids are seriously tooled up.

You'll get your firepower.

He sent that get well card.

Of course, Miami.

What did you put in it?

Get well soon, regards Miami.

Well, that's hardly fucking Shakespeare,
is it?

Got him in Christmas 88.

Used to work for Greasy John.

He come to me and he says, give us a
start, Miami.

I won't let you down.

You know what?

He never is.

Shut the fuck up!

Can't you see I'm having a moment here?

What did he get for all that loyalty?

A bullet in the pancreas from Eddie the
fucking Diamond.

You there yet?

Yeah, been there, done it, bought the
fucking T -shirts. Yeah, we're going to

the captain's weight, all right? Oh,
yeah, he'll be in fish fingers for the

of his natural.

When do we pick up the tail?

What?

Yeah, the brown and white van with two
geezers in it. It's been with us for the

last five minutes.

What if it is a tell?

Chill out.

He's a paranoia.

We're meeting an international arms
smuggler. I think we can expect to come

across the odd fucking firearm.

Bye.

I can't see him anymore. It's okay, he
got smelled up. With some fucking towel,

you're a right fucking wind -up, man.

Sweet. Give him an hour to drop the
stuff, then put stage two into action.

right? All right. Cut.

So what sort of... Terrain you're
seeking to pacify?

Mostly interiors.

We have occasional street work.

Urban or rural?

Urban. Very urban.

There's noise factor.

Yeah, the noisier the better. Put the
wind up, the fuckers.

Who will be operating ordinance of the
trains?

As a matter of fact, most of the end
users are going to be thick as turnips,

we're looking for something you point,
pull trigger, and a manual.

Uh -huh.

Agreed.

Rapid fire atoll Kalashnikov, uploading
wide arc of fire.

Infantryman's weapon, requiring little
expertise or training.

Our Lord will be in action.

For sure.

I'll take four dozen.

Okay, boys.

I think I understand your offer.

You take my bitches and I freak off back
to Cyprus or you cut my shagging knob

off.

Limey, talk about a hostile takeover
bit, innit?

Very attractive haircut you've got
there.

I take it the buyer's not Faulkner and
Madison.

We were thinking we'd just drop off the
gear and fuck off, if that's all right

with you.

I should go. Right, I'll be there.

Everything's okay.

Yeah, okay.

At least that was the plan.

Except Robbie seems to have forgotten
our appointment.

He left his bloody small, you know, in
two months rent and no forwarding

address.

Dirty fucking toe rent. He always did
have the potential for being a slimy

little dick.

Where are you going?

Fine, fuck it.

What is that?

That is a UTIF Kini PP904.

Anti -tank surface -to -surface missile.

Look at that, Trev.

We'll have one of them.

Yeah.

Miami, what do we want with a missile?

I want the missile and I'm going to get
a fucking missile and I'm butting it.

I'll have one of them and whatever it
takes to fire the bomb.

Dumber.

I know you're upset about three feet.
Fuck three feet? Who do you think Eddie

the Dino was aiming at? Me.

So I'm going to put my rocket up to
cunts Jack and Danny.

Now put a bun in it.

Where's Robbie Rossi?

I should all know. Oh, he's cleaning for
days.

What the fuck?

Wrong answer. Now, there's an easy way
and there's an odd way.

Oh, no, lad.

Not my good order.

I just had it MOT'd.

I don't know what I'll tell you.

Fucking lunatics!

Yeah.

Personally, I'd have gone for the easy
way.

You're going to win.

I've always worked very hard for this
community, taking a pride, as you know,

in making sure that this is a safe place
where decent people can bring up their

kids in peace. As I was saying to the
Chief Constable just the other day, how

pleased I was that he decided to join me
in a more efficient drive for law and

order.

And now...

This fucking tow rag, Eddie the Diamond,
jumps out at all Burke -brandishing

shooters at all little ones in the
streets.

So I've had a word with the chief, who,
as you know, fully supports a policy of

zero tolerance for scum like that.

And we've decided on one big whack.

Large scale over a large area.

All his clubs simultaneous.

A one -night engagement.

Monday morning.

Business as usual.

Of course, there'll be adequate
compensation for the inevitable

bollocks you'll be getting in the media.

Fucking filth.

They don't say much, do they?

Sheer animal cunning.

One day I'll get the bastards on tape.

Well, we've done the Limehouse Lake.
Limehouse Lake? The

fuck is the Limehouse Lake?

You paid Robbie up front for that gear
you was buying, yeah? Yeah, 20

Well, I expect the buyer did and all.

You what?

Robbie gets you to pay his marks and
knock off schmatter.

Which we sell on at a nice little
profit.

You drop off the goods and wait for your
ready.

Only Robbie and his mates clear out the
warehouse of all the stuff posing as

customs and excise.

Leaving us and the buyer well out of
pocket.

And Robbie quids in.

Then he fucks off to Leeds or Newcastle
and finds another bunch of greedy, none

-too -clever wankers.

In a nutshell, it's the Limehouse Lake.

Bastards.

It says here that the PP -904 missile
had mixed success in

Afghanistan.

Imagine what it's going to do to any of
the Diamond's office.

What's up with you?

Miami, I know your mind's made up.

That is why you sit in the big chair.

Speak your mind.

The guilty parties have got to be got.
That's common sense.

But if we're seen to be knocking over a
substantial number of, say, less

guilty... Innocent.

Parties... What's your point?

It needs careful handling.

Which is why there's only one man I
trust to lead the... on any of the

Clubs.

Who?

You? Me?

When?

Tonight.

Don't go all flaky on me, Triff.

You won't be on your own.

Barry Brew and Toxic will be with you
right by your side.

I thought Barry was still in Broadmoor.

You've got to admit, it's got a touch of
gold about it. The guy rips the arse

out of our bank account, gets us taking
all the risks, then walks off with all

the soft centres.

We'll have done the fucking wiser.

Actually, I didn't get the money from
the bank on account of there being

in there.

I had to arrange a borrow to facilitate
our cash flow.

Borrow from who?

Barry Blue.

Excuse me.

Would that be the same Barry Blue who's
undergoing electroconvulsive therapy for

his inability to control his violent
emotions?

The same Barry Blue who strangled his
pet Rottweiler because he thought he

looked at him in a funny way?

He was desperate. That's not desperate!

That's suicidal!

Look, fuck this, fuck Robbie, and fuck
the buyer.

We're going round there now to nick the
van. Come on.

I need guns.

20 guns to each box, yeah?

What?

What's the plan?

Well, this is a sight better than
lending 20 grand to a formal Barry.

Now, use those.

Oh, shit.

Move, Jamie.

What the fuck are you two doing here?

You're supposed to be keeping watch.

Well, you better be quick.

We've got problems.

It's like Brick Lake Market round the
front. Actually, every place in the

district's piling in.

Well, keep an eye on them. When me and
Jamie have got the van, we'll give you

three flashes.

Now get your asses over there triple
quick.

What was that?

Probably a rat.

This will be mistaken for rodent.

Malcolm Pryor.

You won't be three feet on a Canada
Square job.

You'll be with Barry Blue.

Dave Cousins.

One of Danny Carter's boys.

Yeah.

You'll be with me in Toxic.

That's the Euphoria Club.

Larry the Lip.

You'll be with Barry.

All right, Barry.

That geezer with the gold tooth.

He keeps looking at me.

Toxic.

Barry's on a turn again.

You take over, Ria.

We're going for a drive.

I'm going to get him some air.

Come on, Barry.

See that?

Go on.

Easy.

Come on now.

We can get rid of this shit as quickly
as possible.

Where's the van?

Oh, shit.

Oh, shit.

Gentlemen.

Go on these stripes, Doctor.

Yeah.

So?

You want a fag?

No.

You made me look like a prize wanker,
you know that, don't you, Trev?

You filled this warehouse with some of
the hardest bastards this side of Bodney

and still let some fucker run off with
my shooters.

Anybody you want to blame?

Good lad.

Take as many men as you need.

Money, no objects.

Find out who did it or what that fucking
thing is.

You got it, boss.

Nothing else.

What, you've got another horse?

No. We have got some top gear in here.
Quality schmucker.

Ferris, just listen. Get that thing out
of here. I'm telling you, boys, I'm not

interested. Two minutes between you and
me. I'm packing in the whole stuff.

Going back home.

For one thing, I can't afford the
dentist bill. Some country you boys got

Ferris, we are practically giving that
stuff away. It's a once in a lifetime.

It's 30 grand.

30 grand?

I ain't got 30 pence to give away.

The fucking Turks is squeezing me pips.
I ain't got money for buying clothes.

Come on, listen, listen.

Have we ever steered you wrong?

I promise you that with the gear in the
back of that van, you, my little Zorba,

are going to make a real killing.

Just have a look.

That ain't going to hurt you, huh?

Come into my office. We do business.

And no smoking.

We have just recovered our entire

outlay, plus a little healthy profit.

Your time has come, Perseverant.

Okay,

let's go.

You what?

You little Greek toe rag!

You're in the berries.

What did you say, soldier? My sugars?

The boy's... The boy's thrown the rock!

of human nature.

I am just a little bit curious as to why
you broke into my warehouse and

nicked a truck full of assault rifles.

Assault rifles?

Oh, my God. Fucking up in the process a
carefully orchestrated plan which now,

thanks to you dicks, lies in tatters.

I mean, what is it with you lot?

Got a death wish or something? You
thought I wouldn't notice?

A hundred grand's worth of weaponry,
gone walkies.

I am not accustomed to this kind of
disrespect.

Customs.

Customs.

Well, it was only following orders.

What are you fucking talking about?

We heard that your warehouse was about
to be raided by anti -terrorist squad

posing as customs officers.

So Trevor told us to go and get your
gear out of the spill.

Didn't you, Trevor?

Why the fuck didn't you tell me?

How could he?

He didn't want to alert the geezer who
shopped you to them.

The mole in your organisation.

We got a mole, Trevor.

Who is it?

What's the name of the mole, Trevor?

It was Barry.

Barry Blue.

Not a bad result that.

Yeah.

Mind you, I just wish you would have
mentioned all the other fuckers we owed

money to and all.

Apparently the Turks have been moving in
trying to get Stranglehold on the

Greek's cake rib business.

They were taking out contract killings
using pizza boys.

So they was having a pop at Nefarious,
not me, when Free Free copped it.

You have handled yourself like the Duke
of fucking Wellington in this business,

Trev.

I take my hat off to you.

Just doing a job, Miami.

So strictly speaking, Eddie the Diamond
is totally innocent of all that, Bolly.

Pretty much.

A toxic left, yeah?

Nah, never mind.

Minor fucking detail.

I've been thinking.

You know them anti -terrorist boys who
claim to be customs and excise?

They impounded a lot of designer gear
from my warehouse.

Why the fuck would they do a thing like
that?

It's been puzzling me for days.

You know what it put me in mind of?

What's that then, Mimey?

The Limehouse Lag.

Ha!

Fifth -rate loser scam from the 80s, run
by this tosser called Tommy Rossi.

I had to run him off the manor.

He fucked up the scumful, I believe.

Like father, like son.

Now, I don't know what the fuck you lot
were up to, but then...

Maybe to you, probably.

So all right, giving dogs kip, eh?

For now.

What a bummer.

That was a beautifully cut Jackie.