Original subtitles

Hold on to your helmets. Zip up your gravity boots. Live from outer space in

Hollywood, it's time

for...

Hi, kids! Hey!

Zonk! Zonk! Waddle!

Zonk! Zonk! Waddle!

Whoa! I wonder who that could be!

You say shit.

times do i have to tell you no more orphans kids sit there with a chip on

shoulder glaring at me like it's my fault huh this is fun

have you ever done live tv before yeah you know something you were good out

there really yeah nothing brings a smile to a kid's face like a big loud ass hey

want to have dinner oh i don't know milo whenever i go out with living legends i

always get my heart broken

Took me three years to get over soupy sales.

Well, I'm the king, all right, you know.

Yeah, I outlasted them all.

Captain Kangaroo, Bozo.

Sherry Lewis is still going strong.

Nah, kids are stupid.

Excuse me. Milo, there's a little kid here from Make -A -Wish who'd love to

you. Yeah?

Well, tell him to make another wish.

Sorry, back up.

Hey, I know you.

Henry, right?

Ah, wait, Sybil?

Hey, I haven't seen you since that fish stick commercial.

You were the one who ate too much breading.

You were the married man with the big boom.

I'm divorced now.

My marriage failed, too.

Isn't this great?

And I'm still acting, and you're still booming, and here we are in outer space,

and life's so funny, and I'm done now you talk.

So Sybil, uh... You know what they say about a woman with big feet.

Everything you've ever heard is true.

No, Jeff. Zoe should come in first. Zoe, go back out and start again.

Don't run away, Dad.

I was trying to tell you, my therapist says that one of my problems is I don't

take responsibility for things.

I blame you for that.

It wasn't my fault. I was never around.

So, Sybil, now that you're left... Daughter is graduating high school. What

you going to do to celebrate?

With any luck, I'm going to nail the boom operator down at work.

One can't help but admire the selfishness of that.

Mary Ann, I have something to say to you.

Ira, I have something to say to you. Sybil, you have nothing to say to either

these people.

I've been trying to find a moment alone with you to say I'm sorry about what

happened on the plane the other night.

What do you say we try another date Saturday?

I'll make you dinner at my house.

Your house?

Dinner?

What can I bring?

Oh, I know, Wolfgang Puck.

No, no, I... I just want it to be the two of us.

Oh, Ira.

Mmm.

Feels delicious.

You know, Daddy always promised to take me to Major Milo, but he never did.

My therapist says I have low self -esteem because you never took me

He took you to all his weddings.

Yeah, except for the one in Vegas.

You should bring her to the show tomorrow. It's Kooky Comet Day.

What do you say, Dad?

Zonk, zonk, waddle.

Thanks, thanks, Sybil.

Oh, Mom, you went through the dumpster behind the bakery.

I told you not to make a fuss.

Marianne will be out as soon as she picks a coconut out from under her

fingernails. Coconut cream, my favorite.

I'm going to miss you when I'm in Europe, Mom.

Europe?

Oh, Nina and I decided to go this summer.

We got a really great deal. We're flying standby on a courier flight. We're just

going to, you know, bum around for a couple of months.

Then we're going to ride bikes, hitchhike, sleep in barns.

I thought I told you about this.

Hey, if you and Nina want to ride bikes, you can do it right here in the

neighborhood. And stay off Ventura Boulevard.

We can't let you run off to Europe with some half -baked dangerous plan.

You could get stranded.

You could get robbed. You could get... Dutch elm disease.

Dutch elm disease?

That happens to be a big problem over there, Missy.

I knew you'd go crazy like this. You know what?

I'm going to Europe. I'm 18 and you can't stop me.

You're not 18.

I hate you.

Hi, Henry.

How's that boom hanging?

Fine, thanks.

So, I was wondering if you'd like to go out sometime.

I could even take off this makeup.

Unless you're into that sort of thing.

I make it a rule never to date the boss's girlfriend.

What are you talking about? Who's the boss's girlfriend?

Well, Milo says you are.

What?

I am not.

I'm serious.

Why won't anybody take me seriously?

Hey! Cut that out!

Hold on to your helmets.

Zip up your...

Live from outer space in Hollywood, it's time for... Oh,

boy!

Hi, kids!

Hey! Zomp, zomp, waddle!

Zomp, zomp, waddle!

See,

Dad, isn't it therapeutic to act really, really childish?

Today, I have a big surprise for my special friend, Booty.

I suppose some of you kids out there wonder what Major Milo does in his free

time. Well, the truth is, he's a lonely, lonely man.

I take that back.

Lootie hates surprises.

Yes, Major Milo is tired of the single scene, kids. But now there'll be no more

blind dates, no more personal laughs, no more volleyball for Christian

unmarrieds. No.

has found his mate.

Sybil, will you marry me?

Gosh, I'd love to answer your question, Major Milo, but it's time for a

commercial.

Now. Well, we're clear.

I can hardly wait for my mother to meet you.

What, is she nuts too?

Don't you understand?

I love you.

What's more...

He's keeping me from getting it on with Boom Boom.

It's been two years, Marianne. Two long years, and I can't tell you how many D

fell.

You know, I got one you can plug into the cigarette lighter in your car.

So that explains all the static on your car phone.

Oh, look at what I bought for my date with Ira.

Tell me what you think.

Classy.

elegant, understated, crotchless.

No fair.

You get to wear that when I have to wear a strap -on musical butt.

La, la, la, la, la. Here I am backpacking around my own home.

It's so much more stimulating than, say,

she's trying to make a point, but for the life of me, I can't figure out what

is.

Oh, look.

Native peasants.

Now it's off to the laundry room.

Don't want to miss the changing of the lint.

Lily, I know you're angry, but we can't let you go to Europe with no plan.

Fine. I don't need to see the cradle of democracy or the city of lights or the

birthplace of Shakespeare.

I'll just stay here in L .A. where everything reminds me of Sean.

I thought the City of Lights was Vegas.

You also thought that you could serve hot Bloody Marys as soup.

Sybil!

I can't find Milo.

I'm just going to have to wing it until he gets here.

Wing the show?

All right, fellas, let's bring in the audience.

Wing the show?

This could be my big break.

There'll be booty lunchboxes, booty board games, booty on ice.

I wonder if Lloyd's of London would ensure a hiney.

Hey, Rakes, what do you say we watch Major Milo? It's robots are people

Too little and too late.

You know, when I was a kid, Dad, you missed everything.

My dance recitals, the spelling bee, the Hanukkah festival the year I would

maybe go to Hebrew school.

You never paid attention. You didn't know anything about me.

Gee, Rach, I think you're being a little hard on the old man.

Operation? This is my favorite game!

How did you know?

Hey, I was there.

You drove me crazy playing my Sharona.

You practically lived on Count Chocula, and you loved this game because you

wanted to be a doctor.

Gee, Dad, I guess you paid more attention than I thought.

I guess so.

Does this mean we get to be grown -ups again?

Sure. All right.

But only after we play one game of Operation.

Hey, this doesn't work. It's supposed to make a noise.

Well, that's funny.

I put two details in there this morning.

Hold for now, sir.

Read kids.

Official salute.

Oh, no.

What is it?

Hong Kong yettle.

Ting -tong -tuttle.

Zonk, zonk, waddle.

Oh, it's you.

I don't care if I jeopardize my job. I'd love to go out with you sometime.

Oh, so now Mr. Boom Boom wants to go out with a clown chick.

She's a little busy getting ready to wing it on live TV. Thank you very much,

Mr. Too -Damn -Late.

Hold on to your helmet.

Zip up your gravity boots.

Live from outer space.

Hollywood, it's time for...

All of this could have been yours, you know. Yeah, the council, the hatch.

I'm incorporated, you know.

Hey, what are all these kids doing in my living room? Get out of here, you fly.

Houston,

we have a problem.

This would be a lot easier if I didn't have to be doing this big butt, which is

all padding, by the way. Well, must I?

I suppose this is another bad time to ask you out. Why? Because I'm in bed

another man?

I'd love to go out with you.

How about Saturday?

Busy. Tomorrow?

Can't. How about now?

I'll check my book.

Oh, excuse me.

I hope it brought your appetite.

Oh, yes.

I haven't eaten since last spring.

I hope you enjoy a nice sizzling pork.

Who doesn't?

But an hour later, I always want more.

Maybe I should heat up your dumplings.

Ira,

you already have.

Oh, Henry.

Oh, Sybil.

Oh, Milo.

But hurry. No, I meant him.

Fortune cookie.

I can't believe how you're...

Water

chestnuts. Stay so firm.

You really know your way around a

chopstick.

And you make me feel so...

egg -foo young.

I quit.

Take me now, or I'm going home. Oh, thank you, Mary. I've been waiting all

for some kind of sign.

You know, you were my first clown.

Technically, I was your first, second and third clown.

I think you broke it.

Ira, what happened to your nose?

Don't ask.

That's okay. I don't want to know. Well, I do want to know, but Marianne will

tell it better.

So we could.

Your mother and I have been talking some more about Europe.

Something's different, Dad.

Haircut?

What would you say if we decided to let you go on your trip?

I'd say...

And then I'd think a minute and say, who cares?

Eight cities, three weeks, reservations in nice, safe hotels, and Nina's parents

are doing the same for her.

Is this a trick?

Yes, Zoe. We're tricking you into exploring Europe on our dime.

Well, thank you, whoever you people are.

Oh, my God, this flight leaves in three weeks. I better start packing.

Marianne, I haven't stopped thinking about you.

Every dull throb reminds me of last night.

Listen, Ira, we never really did get to talk, what with the screaming and

hemorrhaging.

Not to mention the passing out.

You look pretty healthy now.

I don't know.

I'm feeling kind of feverish.

Would you like me to take your temperature?

Wait, wait. Let's stop this before someone gets hurt again.

And, Ira, can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Are you my boyfriend now?

Yeah.

I guess I am.

What was I thinking? The attic's not down here.

It's okay. I was just leaving.

Bye, Sid.

Bye, Marianne.

Bye, Ira.

What exactly did happen between you and Ira's nose?

Well, let's just say I broke it before the lingerie became relevant.

So I guess I'm the only clown who worked the big top last night.

You didn't.

It was a three -ring circus.

Yes! So you went for the hunky crew guy when you could have married a TV star?

Former TV star.

canceled milo's show after he got drunk rumor has it he's on his way to vegas to

open for sherry lewis lamb chop works topless there you know if you sit close

enough you can see bare knuckle you know marianne once i think we both got what

we wanted true i got ira and you got lucky so he's graduated

i see good times ahead

Finally give our lives some structure, focus, and real meaning.

Hear, hear.

So how should we usher in this new phase?

I know.

Let's go down to Kinko's and fax our breaths to Al Gore.