Original subtitles

Ho, ho, ho-llo.

It's Christmas Eve at Saint Denis,

and even in a hospital, it's the best time of year.

Ooh, there's Santa!

Or, um, Mr. Holiday Man,

as we tell the non-denominational patients.

Are you here to spread some Christmas cheer?

No, I'm just waiting for a room.

Oh, are you--are you OK?

Maybe I could just tell a doctor.

Well, maybe I am a doctor.

I'd rather just tell a male doctor.

Are you OK, Santa?

Santa's fine. Ho, ho.

Just a little problem with, uh, the North Pole.

OK, everybody, let's go back to our seats.

Don't look back at Santa.

Don't look at him.

Don't look back at him.

Don't look back at Santa.

Oh, [bleep].

- All right. - Watch out.

I get it.

Wow, the whole family's here.

What have we got?

Well, Mr. Klein came in with some hip pain.

Ah, ah.

Sorry, Bob has hip pain.

We had a little back and forth about that earlier.

And I asked her if I could call her sweetheart,

but not in a gross way.

And weirdly, I was fine with that.

You are a braver man than I am, Bob.

How did you hurt the hip?

Pole vaulting.

No, come on, doc. I'm ancient.

The wind hit me weird and I tripped over myself.

Like--like this guy seeing a bikini at the beach.

He clocked you, buddy.

I've never been to the beach.

How's your health otherwise?

Strong as an ox.

Dad.

He's had leukemia for about 16 months.

Strong as an ox with blood cancer.

An ox will work right up until it dies.

OK, well, we are going to leave you guys to it,

and I'll be back to start some tests, all right?

Looking forward to it, sweetheart.

See, I don't mind that. Is that weird?

Well, we're not supposed to have favorite patients,

but we do.

I almost don't want him to get better.

The rest of my patients today are duds.

Oh, I love this one.

Pornography alert.

No, I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.

I know you're not watching pornography in a group setting.

I just couldn't think of anything else to say.

It's not pornography, is it?

It's just NurseTok, Joyce.

Videos from hospitals, nurses, doctors.

Portland General, bleh.

Oh, four million views. That's...

eight million eyeballs.

Some people don't have two eyes.

So more like 7 1/2 million eyeballs?

OK, that seems low, Holly. That seems really low.

Social media is here to stay.

I've always believed that.

That's why I run an Instagram account for Saint Denis.

"To those who celebrate, Happy Halloween."

But for Portland General to generate that level of traffic,

I mean, a bigger presence means more patients,

more clout, more dollars.

Right now, we only have 142 followers.

Oh, 141 followers.

Sanderson unfollowed.

I called his travel charcuterie board a Lunchable.

He'll be back.

So I was gonna propose to my girlfriend.

Aw.

And I decided

to take the engagement ring and put it around my penis.

Right.

OK.

But the ring is actually pretty big.

Yeah, it's much bigger than anything you're imagining.

My fingers are huge.

He calls me carrot fingers.

Yeah, anyway, so the ring is on my penis,

and I start thinking about our life together,

and I get aroused.

It's actually really romantic.

The blood is trapped, and the ring is very,

very tight, so just be prepared.

I've been here a while now,

so pretty much everything's routine to me.

OK, right.

I see the ring you're talking about,

right there in the middle.

Dr. Schweitz, could you jump in here really quick?

Sure.

All right, what seems to be the problem?

Oh, my God!

It looks like a penis.

Is that your penis? - Yeah.

Who did that to you?

Did you do this to him?

No, man!

Bob, you have such a loving family.

It must be so nice to have them all come together like that.

I'm a lucky guy.

No. It's work, you know.

You put in the work and it's paying off.

I admire you. - Thank you.

- Mm-hmm. - How about you guys?

You got any travel plans for the holidays?

Oh, no, I just have, you know,

dinner with the whole family.

Although I would like to put Tim's parents on a plane,

if you know what I mean.

Uh, because they have never been to the Caribbean,

and I would love to give that to them, so.

Uh, Ron's going to Texas.

Actually, I'm staying home.

Got a bottle of Laphroaig

and a box of Christmas Crunch cereal,

so me and the captain about to partake.

It's--

You're making it feel sad. It's not sad.

My kids are grown now.

It's not like they're gonna be running around

the Christmas tree screaming over presents.

Presents.

I gotta get on that.

Oh, OK.

Why don't we do that thing where everybody dances

and lip syncs to a song like, "So You Had a Bad Day,"

but we make it about a good day?

A little first thought, right?

Uh-huh. Yeah, that was dumb.

Just reads as 2016.

Maybe even earlier, 2015.

I asked Serena to help me pump up

Saint Denis's social media presence,

and she jumped at the chance.

She said she couldn't let me do it alone.

The best thing about our social media presence

is that it barely exists.

But if Joyce is gonna start posting more

and then tagging me, asking me to repost,

I cannot let her do this alone.

Or what if we do that thing where everybody freezes?

We freeze,

and then the camera pans around us like we're mannequins.

No? Little first thought?

But where's Mrs. Claus in this twisted universe of yours?

We didn't really think

about-- - Oh, you didn't think?

She's only given thousands of years to this man,

but you didn't think. OK.

Our ring cutter's broken,

but the hospital has access to the fire department's.

Oh, thank God.

I was legitimately worried for you.

But that one's also broken.

But there is a fire department 80 miles away.

There you go.

But they're buried in a snowstorm.

- Oh, God. - Hey, it's OK.

I'm not worried.

- Hey. - Hey.

So I thought you were flying down to Texas.

Something happen?

No, what I said was my family is going,

which includes my ex-wife.

Now, we really can't be in the same county

at the same time.

Are you sure you're gonna be OK?

Are you serious?

I get time to relax, watch Christmas TV,

"Die Hard,"

and that channel with a burning log.

I can switch back and forth as many times as I want.

"Die Hard," log. "Die Hard," log.

Hang on. Ron, this can't be right.

Bob's lab results. - Let's see.

Look at the blood work.

- Bob? - Wait, I saw it first.

Let me tell him. - I'm the doctor.

I have good news-- - Your cancer's gone

I'm sorry. Whoo!

You're in shock,

but you have a clean bill of health.

It's a Christmas miracle. Yay!

What are the rules about doctor-patient confidentiality?

Like, are you allowed to tell my family about this?

No, not without your permission.

Great.

I don't give my permission.

And I've never had cancer.

Wait, you've never had cancer?

Not yet.

So you've just been lying to your family this entire time?

Look, when your kids grow up, they start to forget about you,

and that doesn't feel so good.

I mean, I didn't feel good about all of this,

but now my family visits me all the time,

and our relationship is better than it's ever been.

This is the worst thing I have ever seen on the job,

and I just helped a man

who had maggots coming out of sores on his feet, OK?

You're worse than that!

Well, listen,

I'm not gonna tell my family the truth, and you can't.

I'd hate to slap you with a HIPAA violation.

- Oh, my God. - My babies!

Hi, give Daddy a hug.

- I'm coming, Dad. - Get over here.

Great to see you.

The doctors you meet at Saint Denis.

Orthopedics.

What up, bro?

I like fixing knees

and carving tight lines in powder.

That's, uh, snowboarding, not drugs.

Cardiologist.

Hey, I don't know much about snowboarding.

Less about snowboarding.

OK, Serena, now you're just getting in my head.

Let me explore.

Uh, I'm a GI doctor.

And I think I'm God's gift to women.

I'm gonna take you out to dinner,

and I'm gonna tell you I had an amazing time

and then never call you back

and then be weird to you at work for the next 15 years.

And then one day I'm just gonna show up married.

What is that?

What is that?

Did you and Dr. Sullivan date?

Serena...

I'm talking about gastroenterologists in general.

OK?

This guy would rather lie to his family

than actually earn their love?

It's sick. - It is, but--

Oh, come on. There's a but?

Well, your kids are still in the magic years,

but eventually, they get older,

and they tend to lose interest in you.

And the way to get their attention is by faking cancer?

Come on. - Well, I'm not defending him.

I'm just saying there's two sides to every story.

I get that nurturing closeness with family is hard.

OK, it takes effort.

I work all day, I go home, I'm exhausted,

and I still find time to talk about "Minecraft," OK?

So maybe if your family isn't close, that's on you!

Or maybe your kids moved to Austin for the food scene

and it's no one's fault.

Ron, no I--

come--I didn't mean you.

I'm talking about-- like he, he's taking,

like, a sick shortcut to love.

I get it, but it doesn't matter.

We're not gonna tell the family.

It's not our job to cure being a jerk.

We're just gonna let it go.

Fine.

Medicine isn't just science.

Sometimes it's like jazz.

It's scary.

What? No, that's not--

I mean you gotta improvise, right?

So let's get creative now.

Drain it with a big needle.

Juice it like a raisin, maybe.

Oh, my God.

Or we flatten it with some kind of vice.

Stretch it out, roll it thin.

Yes.

Maybe you could

get the ring burning hot so the metal expands.

Honey! Jesus!

Hold on. Wait, wait, wait. I like it.

It could scorch the penis, though.

Can't we just wait for the ring cutter to get here?

Well, it might not come.

And if we wait, your penis could turn septic.

The infection could kill you.

Hey, don't worry.

We'd amputate before it came to that.

I definitely do not want that.

OK, I will note that on your chart.

Yeah, but Dad, we got Italian for you last night,

and David's gluten-free. - Oh.

David, you know, that diet is totally unnecessary.

Just take the stairs or something.

I have celiac disease.

Oh, I keep forgetting, you know,

maybe because it's not as dire as, you know, what I have.

He called me sweetheart.

And I liked it.

OK, rapid fire.

Wildest stories from the ER.

I drained an abscess that smelled so bad I threw up.

Uh-oh, yuck alert.

Joyce, don't comment on things.

Then we'll put in a siren sound effect.

Dance floor, not cop car.

When a leg breaks completely backwards,

like a busted-up crab, we call them crabbies.

What? These are human beings.

Joyce, stop commenting.

Dr. Andrews, come dish on some wild stuff.

Oh, uh, a couple coming back from their honeymoon...

Mm, uh-oh.

They got T-boned by a transport truck,

rushed in, both circling the drain.

OK, that's enough.

They're both begging me to save the other one's life.

My wife asked me why I've got such a short fuse at home.

Well, I'll tell you why.

Bill, you know we're trying to have fun here.

I know you can see that.

Not cool.

Oh.

Oh, I'm--I'm sorry.

I should have offered to share half of that with you.

Do you want to split the chocolate?

First, I'm more of a vanilla guy.

And second...

why are you doing this?

You have to realize how messed up this is.

Listen, I know.

It's--it's crazy.

Did you say you were divorced?

We're talking about you.

Well, my wife was the glue of my family.

I mean, she planned all the family trips,

she made all the holidays special for us.

And when she passed away, my--

my kids and I, we just--

we didn't know how to be around each other.

And the kids just kind of drifted away.

You have any idea what that's like?

I guess my kids are a little distant.

Now that they've moved away,

it's easier to let the days get away from you.

The glue does fade.

So I get it.

Oh, and I do like the chocolate side of the cookie.

I don't know why I lied about that.

Oh, my God.

It's fine, it's fine. I'm a pro.

Thank you.

Jesus.

Oh, I'm sorry, just a little bigger than I was expecting,

but not a problem.

OK, let's do this.

It's OK, it's OK.

- Be gentle. - Obviously, yeah.

OK, here's a day in the life of the ER.

Oh, my God! What is that?

Jesus, Joyce, I almost cut this guy's [bleep] off!

God damn it.

Hey, Serena.

Yeah, it's pretty good for a first try.

This was our 12th.

It'd be way easier if I was doing this with you.

I could just boss you around.

What?

I mean, I would support you, obviously.

Want to trade?

You film with Joyce, and I'll take the penis thing.

Nope. I'm emotionally invested.

It's all of our penis now.

Yeah.

Oh, what? Now you're on his side?

No. His wife died.

And sometimes when you feel your family drifting apart,

people do crazy things to keep them together.

- OK. - Trust me.

I wouldn't fake cancer, though.

Well, maybe you don't love your family

as much as other people do.

And dad's mad that I forgot his tiramisu.

Solid priorities.

Your dad's lucky to have you.

You're a good daughter.

I'm glad to make him comfortable.

Still, can't be easy, though, right?

No. Kind of have to put your whole life on hold.

Mm.

But the time you spend together is a gift.

Yeah, a gift that comes with work,

like a mop with a bow on it.

Still, I'm sure your mom would be happy

knowing that you're all together on Christmas.

She hates that we're here.

No, how do you know that?

She's texted me all day about it.

Not from heaven, I'm assuming.

Uh, no, from San Diego,

where she lives with a new husband

who doesn't cheat on her with my golf coach.

But what can I do? He's sick. - Mm.

Yes, he is a very sick man.

- Mm-hmm. - OK, thanks.

Bob's a liar.

We knew that all along.

Yeah, well, this time he lied to me.

It's one thing you do that with your family,

but I'm an innocent bystander here.

So rigged a little mock-up here.

Fake patient, hot dog, washer.

Sometimes you gotta practice,

rehearse the thing until you got it down cold.

- Like jazz. - What? No. God.

Just hold the light on it, all right?

This would be a lot better with a cadaver,

but the morgue guy was pretty huffy about it.

Yeah, really shaken up by the request.

All right, here we go.

Come on. Come on. Come on.

Yeah, all right!

Should we go for two in a row?

Hmm.

Yeah, not a great ratio.

Welcome to our pediatrics department,

where beautiful, heartwarming things are always happening.

Joyce, we need something punchy, viral.

This is too soft.

He has a widdle bear.

Oh, come on.

Hi, there.

Who's this little friend?

I ate the pebbles in my fish tank.

Oh. But does your bear have a name?

I can't leave until all the pebbles come out.

You're killing me, kid. This is so boring.

What happened?

We turned on his cochlear implant.

He just heard my voice for the first time.

.

Damn it!

Sorry, sorry. That pebble kid just--

Little boy hearing his mama's voice for the first time.

Would have been nice to capture that, but did we?

No.

You were supposed to support me today.

And all you've done is roll the eyes.

- Ugh. - Ah! Just like that.

I mean, every instinct you have

is, like, impressively the opposite

of what the internet likes.

I got it! I've got the solution.

Thinks he has a solution.

Hmm?

Yes, it seems crazy.

But you know who else looked crazy?

A lot of famous people who did some good stuff.

I'm at the forefront of my field, obviously.

I'm a master with the scalpel,

but I'm also the master of another blade.

Katana, or katana,

is a weapon and a practice

that has captured the imagination of the world,

mostly guys, for centuries.

I'm also pretty handy with a crossbow,

but that wouldn't help here.

Unless--

ooh.

No.

A sword? Are you insane?

You're thinking chop. Mm-mm.

It'll be more of a delicate slice.

No, you're crazy!

Oh, come on.

Do you know how many famous people did crazy things?

I bet deep down inside, he feels guilty.

Well, hopefully that guilt

will at least lead to a painful ulcer or something.

Hey, do you guys know where I can talk

to someone about billing?

Yeah, down the hall, left-hand side.

You're not paying for him, right?

No, dad's insurance should cover most of it.

And then we'll use the GoFundMe on the rest.

He's got a GoFundMe?

This guy.

Hey, Bob?

Quick chat before we send you dancing out of here.

We need to talk other options.

What options?

Well, you're not gonna love them.

Dr. Bruce, wait!

We have a ring cutter. You can stop the amputation.

Oh, my God.

Wait, that was on the table?

Yeah.

I mean, I said you weren't gonna love the options.

It's a Christmas miracle.

Actually, while Bruce was sharpening his sword--

Honing his blade.

I checked in again with the fire department

and convinced one of the firefighters

to brave the storm by himself.

The guy's a hero.

Yeah, Christmas miracle.

And it just goes to show

that most guys will go above and beyond

when their penis or another man's penis

is on the line. - Yeah.

Can we get Bob's family in here, please?

So Bob has something he wants to tell you,

and it's something he really needs

to get off of his chest, so...

Yeah, we threatened to report him for GoFundMe fraud.

I don't have cancer.

Wait, are-- are you saying that--

- I'm cancer-free. - No.

- Daddy's cured. - Come on. No.

- I can't believe it! - It's a miracle.

Bob? Bob? Bob?

No. No, Bob.

Oh. Dr. Ron is right.

There's more.

I want to return the GoFundMe money.

I already spent a little bit of it,

but I think I can make a few bets and make that part back.

OK, everyone, here is what's going on.

And--and no more special treatment.

I want you all to live your own lives.

And I'm gonna put in the effort on my part.

Because the truth is-- the truth is that

I kind of like being around you guys.

Dad, I'm so relieved.

Oh, Dad!

No, no. I'm sorry.

No, they--

I'm--I'm sorry. We--we have to leave.

Oh, no, you gotta celebrate with us.

Yeah.

Well, this is kind of a busy time

around here for us.

Listen, take care of each other.

And, Bob, do not waste this gift.

I won't.

Let's go.

- Everybody hug your grandpa. - Bring it in, everybody.

Grandpa's OK. - Oh, my God.

Music!

♪ Your love

♪ Lifting me higher

♪ Than I've ever been lifted before ♪

Things were tense.

We were creatively blocked.

But then Serena said that a lip sync

could have kind of an ironic, normie cringe kind of vibe.

What do words even mean anymore?

♪ You know your love

♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪

♪ Keep on lifting

I realized I was fighting with my boss,

so I thought it might be smart just to go with Joyce's idea.

♪ I said your love

♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪

♪ Keep on

♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪

♪ Lifting me higher and higher ♪

- ♪ Higher - ♪ You know your love

♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪

♪ Keep on lifting me

That was kind of fun.

It's Christmas, so...

Merry Christmas, Joyce.

♪ Higher and higher

- ♪ Higher - ♪ I said your love

♪ Keep on

♪ Your love keep lifting me ♪

- ♪ Lifting me - ♪ Lifting me

♪ Higher and higher

♪ I said your love

♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪

♪ Keep on

♪ Your love keeps lifting me ♪

♪ Lifting me higher and higher ♪

♪ Higher

♪ All right

Yes, I should have flown there.

Well, maybe I can visit soon.

What's that?

No, I'm not dying.

Funny you should ask, but--

OK, look, I gotta go.

Love you, bud.

Hey, how's Michael?

Good.

Glad I called.

Good.

All right, I'll see you tomorrow.

Oh. You mean Thursday.

No, tomorrow.

Christmas dinner, my place.

Bring something expensive.

OK, twist my arm.

Don't be late.

OK.

Oh, God.

That's--OK, yeah.

That wasn't--yeah.

Glad we didn't do that. All right.