Original subtitles

.

- Previously on "Grosse Pointe Garden Society"...

- My friends and I sort of murdered someone.

What are we gonna do about their car?

- Look, if you're trying to fix things with Doug,

hanging out with me so much isn't helping.

- He just doesn't get

that we're not into each other like that.

Come on, it would never happen. - Right. Right.

- Um...

- Want to buy me a cup of coffee?

- Why is she still here? You guys are friends now?

- Could get messy. - Yeah.

- I didn't say messy can't be fun.

- Is it over? - Yes, of course.

- I forgive you. - How can you do that?

- Because you're my ride-or-die.

- Is Gary here? - God, no. It's over.

I ended it.

- Whoa! Hey! [tires squeal]

- I'm worried something bad happened.

[high-pitched ringing] - Is Gary here?

I haven't heard from him in days.

I'm worried something bad happened.

- Remember that family in Royal Oak--

went to bed on Christmas and didn't wake up?

- Mm-hmm.

- Well, it wouldn't have happened

if Santa had brought them one of these.

- Mm-hmm.

- You okay?

- Yeah. [cell phone chimes]

- Still up for it?

- Yes.

[Maximum Balloon's "Young Love"]

* *

[music stops] - Ooh. Oops!

Um, sorry. Whitening strip.

- Oh. - [chuckles] Okay.

* *

- * Young love *

[music stops] - Oh, wait. Um...

[scoffs, sighs]

Too much red onion in the salad.

- Yeah.

* *

- * Just follow the beat *

* *

- Gary might be dead. - Boner killer.

- His wife hasn't heard from him in days.

- The guy's probably just laying low.

- [breathing heavily] [engine revving]

- What if he hurt himself?

- More like he bought

a first-class ticket to an island,

and he's laying on the beach pounding mai tais.

[tires screech]

- [groans, shouts]

- I just feel like this is all my fault.

- You know, the more you talk about this, the hotter it gets.

- Sorry.

- Look, I want to make this work,

but we got to get this guy out of our bed.

[tires squealing]

- [breathing heavily]

[suspenseful music]

[birds chirping]

- So, apparently, I can't just give Ford a bunch of money.

It has to go through this whole endowment thing

that my ex-husband set up. - Mm.

Who knew you needed a college degree

to understand a college scholarship?

- Don't look at me.

- Hey, I just played football at Kalamazoo.

- How'd you go from that to cop?

- Well, I blew out my shoulder and tried to get into the FBI.

But I lied on my polygraph.

- Oh.

About what? - [laughs]

Yeah, no, we are not good enough friends yet.

- Come on. Who'd you kill? - Nope.

- Arson. It's in your eyes.

You like to burn things. - [laughs]

[clears throat]

Only if you tell me about your ex.

- Fine. Which one?

- Well, how many are there? - Let's see.

First, there was Eddie in aerospace.

He liked to drive fast and fly high.

We had a pretty good time until his heart gave out.

- Oh. Too much excitement?

- And cocaine. - Hmm. Yeah.

Well, uh, who's up next?

- Mm, Marcel was a real bon vivant.

He owned a bunch of vineyards outside Calais.

Everybody loved him,

except the people he conned into buying hotels

that he didn't own.

- Yeah, all these guys, they sound really stable.

- Uh, maybe I'm...

meant to be alone.

- [sighing] Yeah.

Thing is, you know, even when you're with somebody,

you can still be alone.

[light pop music playing]

- I think I'm...

probably just a lot to come home to.

- Or you just haven't found the guy that can handle it.

* *

- Are we good enough friends to tell me

about that polygraph yet?

- [chuckles] Getting closer.

[thunder rumbling]

[Suki Waterhouse's "My Fun"]

[both laugh]

* *

- Pollination's an essential element

of any healthy garden.

- * Blood on the grass, blood on my knees *

- Bumblebees return to the same flower

again and again...

- [laughs]

- * Scream on the breeze *

* You make me laugh, you bless my sneeze *

- You want to get really crazy?

- * Feels good to find someone *

- While butterflies are easily distracted

by bright petals and long stems.

[gunfire on TV]

- Can we--can--can we watch something else?

[explosions]

- It's so hot.

- Where are we? - You'll see.

- * You helped me back up and kiss my lips sore *

- Watch your step. Just-- - Okay.

Can I open them now?

- Now. - [gasps]

[screams] Oh, my gosh!

Hi! [dogs barking, whimpering]

Wait, what? How?

- My boss does their signs for free.

[both laugh]

- [exhales deeply]

[toilet flushing]

- Yo, do you have a plunger?

[chuckles] Asking for a friend.

[dogs barking, whimpering]

* *

- I know you're not ready, but when you are...

- But in the end,

it really doesn't matter who's pollinating who.

The secret to a great garden

is great sex.

- Mm. - Lower?

- Higher.

Uh-uh, lower.

- Why are we putting in bird traps anyway?

- They're feeders.

- Judges give extra points for a variety of wildlife.

So this is perfect for orioles and finches.

- Oh, that makes way more sense.

- Also, coyotes. - Ugh!

- Unless you want them to eat the birds.

[cell phone chimes] - Oh, so your phone does work.

- Oh, I know. I got your text. I forgot.

- I was just wondering

if we're gonna watch the Tigers game tomorrow.

[cell phone chimes] - [scoffs]

These apps are making me insane.

- Yeah, someone should really invent

a better way to have anonymous sex.

- Yeah. - Why are you even on them?

- What do you mean?

- I just mean you never really put yourself out there.

- [sighs]

Contrary to what you all may think, I'm still a dude.

- Yeah, you are. [snaps fingers]

All man. - [chuckles]

- I just meant since your divorce.

- Yeah, I'm overdue. - I love it.

Release the kraken.

- [laughs] I'll take anyone who's semi-normal

who can semi-appreciate me.

- Oh, that app definitely does not exist.

- So are we watching the game or what?

[cell phone chiming]

- Uh, yeah. Yeah, that'd be cool.

- O'Sullivan's is playing it in their beer garden.

- Yeah, I'll text you.

- So, uh, what height don't we want to feed the coyotes at?

[light music]

[grinder whirring]

- Kind of just want to talk about the whole college thing.

- So have you looked at any schools yet?

- Not really.

- Did you talk to that guidance counselor lady?

- Nope.

- So what are you thinking?

- I'm thinking I might not go.

- [sighs]

You don't get the money if you don't go.

- Can't you just give it to someone else?

- I'd rather give it to you.

- Yeah, well...

it's just a lot for my family to process right now.

- What are you talking about?

- I don't know.

Things are weird at home, okay?

- Okay.

- They just don't need the stress

of all the applications and the campus tours.

- Maybe I can make it easier on your parents.

- You've done enough.

[soft indie rock music playing]

* *

- If you change your mind--

- Just...

leave me alone.

- Hmm...

[dark pop music playing]

* *

[scoffs]

Gary?

Gary.

What happened to you?

Oh, my God.

- It looks worse than it is.

- Are you missing a tooth?

- Just stay away from me, okay?

- Wait!

- And don't tell your husband about this.

[soft dramatic music]

* *

- Guys, I know this is awful and no amount of therapy

is ever gonna make us normal again,

but right now, we gotta get this out of here.

- What have we done?

- That is not a useful question!

- Will you give her a break?

- Okay.

The question is, how do we get the body to the garden?

- What about your truck?

- I can't move this by myself. - We can all do it.

- You want me to touch a dead person?

- Okay, just pull around to the loading dock.

- No, we can't use the truck. The back's all open.

- Oh, perfect.

So, if anyone looks, they'll be like,

"Hey, murderers, this your corpse back here?"

- Then we'll use their car.

- Who's gonna drive a dead person's car

with the dead person in it?

- I will.

- No, no, no, no. Hell no!

- It should be me. - Guys...

- Why you? Why not her?

- I'm still drunk.

- Yeah, and she's on probation for drunk driving.

- Guys... - Right. She knows how.

- [sighs] - I can drive the body.

* *

All of this is my fault.

* *

- You can't go alone. - She won't be.

* *

- Why me?

- If we get pulled over,

you're the drunk friend who needs a ride home.

* *

.

- * Right before my very eyes *

- S-T-O-P.

- * I thought that you were only faking it *

* And like before *

- S-T-O-P.

[Chicago's "Baby, What a Big Surprise"]

- Why do you keep doing that?

- Fully spell out "stop," and it's a complete stop.

- Good tip. - Lots of practice.

[car beeping]

- Oh, no.

- What is that? - I don't know.

I don't know. - What is that?

- I'm telling you, I don't know.

- Well--S-T-O-P! - Oh!

[tires screech]

[beeping continues]

- [sighs]

We're out of gas.

- Like, "out of gas" out of gas?

Or, like, "there's still a few days left" out of gas?

- It's below empty.

- Who drives on empty?

- Someone who doesn't think they're gonna end up

in their own trunk.

- Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. - Okay, we just--

we gotta get gas.

- With a dead person in the trunk?

- Would you rather be stranded on the side of the road

with a dead person in the trunk?

- I'd rather go home and take a shower.

- Okay, we just gotta find a gas station...

- Oh, please.

- And act like a couple of prom queens

who just had the time of their lives.

- I can't do this. - Hey.

You can.

- How are you so calm?

* *

- I've learned people are capable

of way more than you think.

* *

- * Baby, what a big surprise *

[video game chiming]

- Hold still, Daddy. You're gonna smudge it.

- Oh, that's nice.

- The pinkies are the hardest part.

- Oh.

- Okay, both of you go upstairs and brush your teeth, please.

- But I'm not done with Daddy's manicure.

- But I'm gonna look so pretty for my 10:00 with sales.

- [chuckles] - All right, off you go.

There you go.

Mm.

By the way, poker night tonight.

I'm gonna miss dinner.

- Oh.

You'll also miss our appointment.

- Damn.

- But, uh...

you missed last night too.

The therapist says we gotta stick to the intimacy schedule.

- Sorry, babe, I've just been slammed at work.

- Sure you're not avoiding me?

- Come on, now.

- Ran into Gary at the mall.

- How was his vacation? - Not great.

- Oh? - He didn't get a tan.

He...

he got his ass kicked.

- Well, did he say who did it?

- Oh, clearly someone who thought he deserved it.

- Yeah, well, I bet there's a lot of husbands

who want to knock out that guy's teeth.

[high-pitched ringing]

All right, kiddos.

Daddy's train is about to leave the station.

Let's go!

- Say bye to Mommy. - Bye.

- Have a great day.

- All right, let's boogie.

- Hey, hey, hey. Um, wait a minute.

How did you know he had a tooth missing?

[mysterious music]

- You said he had been worked over.

- Right.

- Probably had a broken nose too.

* *

[door shuts]

- No, I can't ask that.

Because I'm at some dude's apartment right now.

Yes, I slept over.

Why can't you do it?

What? I gotta go.

- Last night was, uh...

was really fun.

- Got a little crazy. - Mm.

The good kind? - The best kind.

[both chuckle] [cell phone buzzes]

- Oh, it's cool if you have to go or--

- I don't want to. - Oh, then stay.

- I can't.

- Am I making it weird?

- Uh...

I kind of lied on my profile.

- Yeah.

There's someone else. - Oh, no.

I mean, there is someone else, but it's just--

it's not that kind of someone else.

- Oh, like, an open relationship?

- I have a kid. - Oh!

Why'd you lie about that?

- I mean, what guy wants to hear about the stripper's kid?

- Wait, wait, wait. You're a stripper?

- No, I just mean, like, single moms

aren't exactly killing it on the apps.

- [chuckles] [cell phone buzzes]

- Sorry, do you have anything for a second grader's lunch?

My ex forgot to pack one for her field trip.

- [exhales sharply]

You've come to the right kitchen, my friend.

Boom. - Oh!

- Mm-hmm. - Hello.

I was just hoping for popcorn and Gatorade.

- No, Lunchables, Uncrustables,

fake cheese, yogurt tubes.

- My knight in shining armor.

- Ooh, I'm gonna add that to my profile.

- [chuckles] Um...okay.

So I'm just going to hijack the rest of your coffee,

and I'll get myself out of here.

- Or you could come back later, and I'll take you to breakfast.

- I'd like that, Brian.

- Brett.

- Are you sure? - Ah...

[both chuckling]

- I'm stealing your shirt! - [laughs]

[light music]

* *

- Okay, so we have potato skins shaped like mitts,

chicken nuggets shaped like little home plates,

and taquitos--

- Shaped like penises?

- Those are baseball bats.

- You didn't have to go to all this trouble.

- Oh, don't be silly. I do this every game.

- You always make penis taquitos?

[announcer speaking indistinctly on TV]

- We felt bad for you, okay?

- Yeah, you know, just with Brett blowing you off.

- Oh, he didn't blow me off.

He just sent me the shrugging cat emoji.

- What does that even mean?

- That he got a better offer?

- Yeah, okay, that would drive me crazy.

- Well, he's allowed to have fun.

- Let's hope the fun he ends up with is down

with him having a girl bestie.

- Why wouldn't they be?

I'm married.

- You're also super bomb,

so they might have a slight problem.

- Well, I'm not worried. [chuckles]

- Okay, great.

Well, then how do you and Brett normally do all this?

- Oh, we usually do a shot

every time someone gets a double or more.

- I can't do shots.

I have to take the kids to school in the morning.

- I'll just do a shot every time

they pat each other's butts.

- Oh, you're gonna be wasted.

- Well, then I think I found my sport.

- [chuckles]

- * Come on, come on *

* Just make that Tootsee Roll *

* Here we go, here we go *

* Just make that Tootsee Roll *

* Yeah, come on *

- You could send it to voice mail.

- But then he'll know that I saw he called.

- * And make that Tootsee Roll *

- Who's "Hot Cop"?

- Something I'm trying to quit.

- No one patted a butt. - [sighs] They will.

- Hey, guys, can we please just watch the game?

- Yeah, sure. - Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm. - Okay.

[smoke alarm beeping] - Oh, my bacon-wrapped dates!

Oh, no, no, no, no, no! - Oh, it's for the best!

There's so much food. - Oh, no, no!

Oh, God! Oh!

- Do you want some help? - Oh, Jesus!

- Oh. - Can you get the broom?

- Yeah, where is it? - Just right over there.

Oh!

No, no, no, no, no.

[grunting] - Here, here, here.

- Oh, thank you. Jesus!

Come on. Stop.

Oh.

[smoke detector shatters] Oh!

Oh, Tucker just installed these.

He's gonna kill me.

[curious music]

* *

- Is that a camera?

- You might want to rethink doing that shot.

.

[tense music]

[door opens] - [sighs]

- How was poker night? - Oh, great. Won big.

- Enough to replace the smoke detector I broke?

- What happened?

- Burned some appetizers,

but you probably already knew that.

I don't want to be spied on.

- Well...

I didn't want you to bang Gary in our bed.

- Oh, my God. - But here we are.

- You said you forgave me. - You fell in love with him.

- So you pulverized his face?

- You know, it was my guys, actually.

- Your guys?

You put in office alarm systems.

- We also do response security.

- Well, they responded.

- Look, I'm just trying to protect my family.

- [scoffs]

You don't have to do all this.

- Neither did you!

- You have me now. - Do I?

[laughs] - Come on, Tucker.

- You only ended it because you got played.

- I'm yours.

- How am I supposed to ever believe that?

[somber music]

* *

- I mean...

how many times can you dock in Saint-Tropez

without feeling like it's Groundhog Day?

- Yachts-- can't live with them,

can't torch them for the insurance payout.

- [laughs]

God, I miss you sometimes.

- Well, you shouldn't have divorced me.

- You were sending me to an early grave.

- Well, that was the plan.

- [laughs]

- [chuckles]

How are your kids?

- Monica is enjoying a brief stint

back in her artists' colony.

- You mean rehab?

- Their therapeutic arts program is exceptional.

More importantly, how's your kid?

- Mm.

[pop music playing]

He wants nothing to do with me.

- Neither do mine.

- At least they want your money.

- So write him a check. - I tried.

- Write a bigger one. - [scoffs]

Maybe I'm not cut out for, you know, motherhood.

- Liam would disagree.

- Liam is ten years older than me.

- He still calls you Mom.

- He only started that

when I wouldn't have sex with him.

- Really?

- Christmas trip, Aspen.

- My boy's always had good taste.

[both laugh]

- Well, I think my boy might be better off without me.

- It's not that easy.

- It was for the first 16 years of his life.

Why not now?

- Because if you really want to be his mom...

it's not a choice.

- Why didn't we work out?

- I'm an old bore.

- I could use some more boring in my life.

- You fell in love with him.

- I'm yours.

- How am I supposed to ever believe that?

[Coralie Clément's "Indécise"]

* *

- [singing in French]

* *

.

- Okay, this is a good one. Okay.

This is a guy in finance. - Mm.

- But his real passion is doing dance TikToks.

- [laughs]

- And he prefers baths over showers.

And he loves using the word "rizz."

- Ooh! Uh... - [laughing]

- Hang on, hang on. - You only get one guess.

- Him.

But he's more "YOLO" than "rizz."

- [laughs] Okay, yes. Now you're getting it.

- Okay, okay, okay, okay. My turn.

- Okay. - Um...

all right. [clears throat]

She's a little kooky.

- Mm...

okay, there's a lot of cray-cray in here tonight.

- But the good kind, like, uh--

like somebody who wants to ride the biggest roller coaster

or, uh, streak a Denny's

or crash somebody's bat mitzvah.

- Mm...give me more.

- Okay.

She smells good, like vacation.

- Ooh, I like that.

- And she's the kind of person

who's just really easy to be with,

especially for a guy who hasn't been on an actual date

in a very long time.

- [chuckles]

Is it her?

- [giggling]

[both laugh]

Um, okay, okay, my turn.

- Alice.

Alice.

- Hey.

- Hey. Hey. This is--this is Cricket.

- Oh.

- Cricket, this is, uh-- this is my, um...

garden buddy.

- Yeah.

Well, nice to meet you. - Hi.

- Doug. Not a gardener. [laughter]

- Did you see the Tigers won? - Oh, yeah.

That bottom-of-the-seventh home run was unreal.

[both laugh]

- You watched it? - He almost caught it.

- Yeah, and if this kid in front of us

didn't bring his stupid mitt, like--

- Wait, you were there? - Yeah.

Well, uh, someone in Cricket's class

gave her these insane tickets, you know.

- Huh.

- It's just one of the many amazing perks

of being a teacher.

- Huh.

Well, hey, Alice used to teach.

- Oh. Why'd you stop?

- Um, I--

- I can seat you when you're ready.

- Thanks. - Yeah, yeah. We're ready.

Enjoy. - Bye.

- Nice to meet you. - Have a good night.

Oh.

- Can I get you anything to drink?

- Absolutely.

- Yeah, that'd be great. Thanks.

[soft piano music playing]

* *

- How was your day?

- Uneventful.

- They come fix the AC?

- Mm-hmm.

Uh...

said we need a new compressor.

- They leave an estimate?

- Over there.

* *

- Hmm.

Was it the supervisor

or the short guy they always send?

- [scoffs]

Weren't you watching?

* *

- Would it upset you if I was?

- No.

- Still have on those green undies?

[upbeat electronic music]

* *

- They're from France. - Oh.

* *

- [chuckles] It's not 9:00.

- I don't care.

* *

- [giggles]

[truck horn blares]

[suspenseful music]

* *

Hi there.

How you holding up? - Better.

- Okay.

Good.

I'm gonna ask you something, and, uh...

I need you to stay calm.

- Okay.

- Do you have any cash on you?

- Brett made us leave all our phones and purses

at the garden center so they couldn't track us!

- I just, uh--I meant, like...

tucked away in your bra or something.

- What? Like, someone gave me a tip?

- Okay.

Okay, check the glove compartment.

- [scoffs]

- All right. Uh, what about under the seat?

- [sighs, whimpers]

[sighing] Oh...

- Okay. - What do we do?

- Nothing you're gonna like.

* *

You take left pocket. I'll take right.

* *

- Oh, God, this is all kinds of wrong.

- Pretty much the theme of the night.

- [groans]

Oh!

Ugh, it's used. - Oh, God.

- Oh, God, gross.

- Oh, oh, oh. - What?

- That's at least half a tank of gas.

- Oh, great. Now we're drug dealers too.

[both sigh]

* *

Wait!

The name's on the bottle.

* *

.

- I kind of like her.

- What do you like about her?

- I mean, what's not to like?

She's hot, funny, down-to-earth.

- Yeah, I guess.

- Mm. She's even a teacher.

- Yoga teacher.

- Whatever. [chuckles]

Brett's definitely getting pregnant tonight.

[Oracle Sisters' "Asc. Scorpio"]

- So what exactly is a garden buddy?

- Wait, are you weirded out that my best friend is a girl?

- Oh! - Ah.

- I'm sorry, I thought she was just your garden buddy.

- Why can't you just be happy for the guy?

- I just feel like my friend can do better.

- Really?

Feels like you're a little jealous.

- Seriously?

- I mean, we've spent enough time talking about it.

- * You got it wrong, it's not as it seems *

- So let's stop. - Ah.

- * You're Ascendant Scorpio *

- Oh!

- I mean, when you spend a lot of time with someone,

obviously, it crosses your mind.

- I'm not saying you're into her.

- Well, good, 'cause I'm not.

- I'm saying she wants you to be.

- What do you mean?

- I don't know, I just get the vibe

that she's one of those girls, you know?

- Alice is married. - [chuckles] So?

- So she doesn't want to be with me.

- Mm, maybe not.

But she definitely doesn't want you

to be with anyone else either.

- Hmm.

- * Nowadays *

* Ooh *

[siren wailing] - Oh, come on.

[sighs]

[exhales sharply]

[clears throat]

- License, please.

- Are you kidding me?

- You rolled through the stop sign.

- No, I didn't.

Because now I do this new trick--

S-T-O-P.

- You had anything to drink?

- It's, like, noon.

- Please step out of the car. [clears throat]

- What, you gonna have me walk the line,

touch my nose, do the chicken dance?

- I want to know what you told my son.

- Excuse me?

- Well, he's not going to college now because of you.

- [scoffs] - That's what he said.

- Hmm.

Well, he told me it was because your marriage

is a dumpster fire.

- What's that got to do with you?

- Let's be honest.

I'm not helping your situation.

- Nothing's happened. - Not yet.

- We're just friends. - Joel.

- That's the deal.

- Yeah, it's also called an excuse.

- Okay, speak for yourself.

- [scoffs]

Oh, so I'm the lunatic

who's just imagined we've been dying

to get into each other's pants?

- Hey, I'm sorry if I've given you the wrong idea.

- No wonder you failed that polygraph.

You're a terrible liar.

- Yeah, well, I guess you'll never know.

- Unless there's a better test.

[Niki & The Dove's "Play It on My Radio"]

- * Play it on my radio *

* *

* Play it on my radio *

* Play it on my radio *

* *

* Play it on my radio *

* Play it on my radio *

* *

* Play it on my radio *

* Play it on my radio *

- Another fail.

- Hold on.

- You know the tragedy in all this?

That kid is smarter than both of us.

* *

- Have a nice day.

- [sighs]

- * Work, show me what you workin' with *

* Uh, show me now *

* Baby, you are chosen now *

* Might put a hole to ground *

* 'Cause I could see you hold it down *

* Ride with it *

* Feeling your beat, ready to ride with it *

* We could kick it, bring the night with it *

* Get worthy, step 'em outside with it *

* Work, work, we can work *

* Show me what you workin' with *

* Got a vision in the mind of a marksman *

* Like the eye of the bull on target *

* And you shine like a diamond, flawless *

* I see you flirtin' *

* Do a little twerkin' *

* Wanna know for certain * [whip cracks]

* If I see beyond the surface *

* Work, work it *

* Work, work it *

* Gotta make it worth it *

* Or you're not as perfect *

* Hey, yeah *

* Hey, work it *

* Hey, yeah *

* Hey, work it *

* Yeah, yeah *

- [clears throat] Mrs. Crosby?

- Oh!

I, um--I was just getting a jump on the dishes for you.

Thank you.

.

[door slides open, bell chimes]

- [clears throat]

20 on pump 3.

- Okay.

[soft music playing]

* *

20 bucks.

- Have you...

you ever have that kind of night

where one bad decision just...

leads to another...

and another and another?

- Nobody chooses to work here.

- So then you get it. - [scoffs]

You don't have any cash, do you?

- Or a card or a phone.

* *

- You can use mine. - [chuckles awkwardly]

The people I would call don't have their phones either.

- Okay.

- It's just...

you and me, DJ.

You're all I got.

[suspenseful music]

* *

[thud on windshield] - [gasps]

[sighs]

What?

- Hey, clean your windshield for 10 bucks.

- I'll clean your windshield for 5.

- I don't have a car. - [clicks tongue]

- Oh, come on.

Eh, that's rude.

* *

- 2 bucks apiece.

You won't find a deal like that on the street, my friend.

[country music playing]

* *

- All right.

- Thank you so much.

- But I'm also gonna need that bracelet.

- For 20 bucks of gas?

- Well, how bad do you need it? - [scoffs]

What about my earrings?

- Yeah, what about them? - They're worth more.

- Mm, my mom doesn't have pierced ears.

* *

Bracelet.

[suspenseful music]

- [laughing]

- [scoffs] It's not funny!

- How much did they see? - Like, half my vagina.

- [laughing] Oh, my God.

Ah.

Well...

better them than another man.

- [sighs]

- I'm sorry.

- We have to get past what I did.

- I know.

- This isn't who we are. - I know.

- You're not a Mob boss, and I'm not a French maid.

[light music]

* *

- Well...

where do we start?

* *

- Uh...

* *

[cell phone chimes]

[both laugh]

- Oh, God.

* *

[door opens, bells jingle]

[soft pop music playing]

- Um--hey, what's up?

- We need to talk.

- Alice, I'm working. - [scoffs]

* *

Now I'm a customer.

* *

- Uh, how can I help you, ma'am?

- Um, I was just wondering

why you're being such a dick.

- For real? - Yeah.

Yeah, it's like my best friend's trying to dump me.

- Well, uh, if this person really is your best friend,

maybe you should realize he has his own life

and it can't always revolve around yours.

- It doesn't. - [scoffs]

Who do you expect to just drop everything

when you have a bad day?

- That's how you see it?

- Or when you have an argument with your husband

or your in-laws are all up in your business?

- Well, you give good advice.

- You treat me like an emotional support animal.

- Are you kidding me?

Who was there for you when your wife walked out?

- Six years ago.

- This is so unfair, and you know it.

- Well, then maybe I'm--

I'm just tired of being your shoulder to cry on.

- It's called friendship.

- But what do I get out of it?

[tense music]

- What are you saying?

- I think...

* *

This just isn't working right now.

- What?

* *

You have no idea what you're doing to me.

- [sighs] Well... [clears throat]

Maybe you should talk to your husband about it.

* *

- [sighs]

[The Radio Dept.'s "Let Me Have This"]

[door opens, bells jingle]

- When pollination fails,

it can be devastating for a garden.

Two flowers competing for the same ladybug

means one will die.

- I know you don't like me very much.

- Why does that matter?

- Because your son is about to throw his life away.

And we're gonna have to do something about it.

* *

- * I've reached a point where *

* I think I have it all *

* No more notes *

* So take me now *

* *

- A pesticide meant to protect a bloom

does the opposite when it poisons the milk beetle.

* *

- * 'Cause I don't want to know *

* If everything must go *

* Please let me have this *

* Or take me now *

- What happened to you guys?

- We took a detour.

- Are you guys okay?

- I had to do something that might not be good for us.

- Like everything in nature,

the balance of pollination is delicate.

* *

- And you never know which way it's gonna go

till it's too late.