All language subtitles for Superbad.2007.UNRATED.720p.BrRip.x265.HEVCBay.com

(THE BAR-KAYS' "TOO HOT TO STOP" PLAYS)

(MUSIC PLAYING ON CAR STEREO)

(CELL PHONE BUZZING)

Yo.

Hey, man, I was doing
some research for next year

and I think I figured out which
website I wanna subscribe to.

- The Vag-tastic Voyage.
- Which one is the Vag-tastic Voyage?

The Vag-tastic Voyage
is the one where

they find random girls on the street,
and they invite them into a van

and then they bang them
once they're on the van.

It's like 13 bucks a month,

and you get access
to a bunch of other sites.

Like one's Latina, one's Asian, um,
you know, there's one for fetishes

like feet and pee-pee and shit
and stuff like that.

That's disgusting.
You're like an animal.

I'm... What? I'm disgusting?
You're the weird one, man.

Don't make me feel weird
because I like porn.

You're weird for not liking porn.
I'm normal as shit.

Peeing on people. That's normal?

Evan, I'm not saying
I'm gonna look at it.

I'm just saying that it comes
with the site, okay?

I don't know what I'm gonna
be into 10 years from now.

I'm just sick of all
the amateur stuff, you know.

I mean, like, if I'm paying top dollar,
I want a little production value.

Like some editing, transition,
something. Some music.

You know, well, I'm sorry, Evan, that the Coen
brothers don't direct the porn that I watch.

They're hard to get a hold of, okay?

Plus your parents are gonna be
looking at the bill, dipshit.

Yeah, you're right. I probably should pick
the one with the least dirty-sounding name.

Uh...

What about, like, Perfect Ten?

Something like that, you know?

Like Perfect Ten?

Because that could be
any number of things.

They can't really get you for that.
That could be, like, a bowling website.

Yeah, but they don't really show dick
going in, which is a huge concern.

I didn't realize that.

Plus, have you ever seen
a vagina by itself?

Not for me.

Hi.

- Thanks for taking him, Seth.
- No... No problem, Jane.

- How are you?
- JANE: Good.

Beautiful.

- Hey! Don't touch that.
- What are you...?

- I'm not a piece of meat.
- JANE: You two are funny.

I can't imagine what you're gonna
do without each other next year.

Evan told me you didn't
get into Dartmouth.

I got into some schools, some
pretty good ones. So I'll be fine.

- You gonna miss each other?
- No. Miss each other? No, thank you.

I don't... I don't miss each other.

Yeah, I'm gonna cry myself
to sleep every night.

- Me too.
- When I'm out partying.

Go to school, boys.

- Bye, Mom.
- Bye, Jane.

I am truly jealous you got to suck
on those tits when you were a baby.

Yeah, well, at least you got
to suck on your dad's dick.

(THE BAR-KAYS' "SOUL FINGER" PLAYS)

EVAN: Hey, Seth, you can't
park in the faculty lot.

SETH: Don't be such a vagine, man.
I gotta get a Red Bull before Class.

EVAN: You know, you're being an idiot,
man. You shouldn't have parked there.

SETH: Fuck it. I'm about to graduate.

They should be sucking
on my ball sac.

It's the least they could do
for stealing three years of my life.

(WHISTLES)

SETH: Oh, fuck me.
EVAN: Look at those nipples.

They're like little baby toes.

EVAN: It's not fair that
they get to flaunt that stuff

and, like, I have to hide
every erection I get.

You know what I do?
I flip my boner up into my waistband.

It hides it and it feels awesome.

I almost blew a load
into my bellybutton.

I mean, just imagine if girls
weren't weirded out by our boners

and just, like, wanted to see them.

I mean, that's the world
I one day wanna live in.

It's been two years since I've
seen an actual human female nipple.

EVAN: Shauna?
Shauna was two years ago now?

SETH: Yeah.

Yeah, I guess so.
But she was insanely hot.

Exactly. She was too hot, okay?
That's what sucks.

How can that possibly suck?
I'd be psyched if I'd gotten with her.

You got, like, two dozen handjobs.

Yes, and three-quarters of a
blowjob, but who's counting, Evan?

Look, it was the peak
of my ass-getting career,

and it happened way, way too early.

- You're like Orson Welles.
- Exactly!

If I'd paced myself,
I'd be having at least steady sex

with a decent-looking girl.

I honestly see now why Orson
Welles ate his fat ass to death.

You'll have sex in college,
everyone does.

Yes, but the point is to be good at
sex by the time you get to college.

You don't want girls thinking
you suck dick at fucking pussy.

I still think you have a
chance with Jules, man. Really.

And she got incredibly hot
over last summer

and she obviously
hasn't realized it yet

because she's still always talking to
you and flirting with you and stuff.

Are you out of your mind?
Look at Jules' dating record, okay?

She dated Dan Remick, who's had a
six-pack since, like, kindergarten.

Jason Stone, who looks like
fucking Zack Morris. And Matt Muir.

Matt Muir.
He's the sweetest guy ever.

Have you ever stared into his eyes?

It was like the first time
I heard the Beatles.

Why would she end her high
school career with me?

You know, Becca dated Eric
Rosecrantz for like two years.

Yeah, but that guy's
a fucking idiot.

You're actually a step up
from that dick-load.

That's why you need to stop...
Will you get this for me?

That's why you need to stop
being a pussy and nail her, okay?

You could bang her for like
two months before you leave.

And I'm not gonna dance around
it, she looks like a good fucker.

All right, I'm tired of you talking
about her like that, man.

What, you can talk about her all day every day,
and the second I say one thing, it's blasphemy?

Yeah, well, I don't
constantly insult her.

I'm not trying to insult her.

I'm just saying that she looks
like a good fucker, okay?

She looks like she can take a dick.

Some women pride themselves
on their dick-taking abilities.

Dick-taking abilities? You think that's
a good thing to say about someone?

The fucked-up thing is,
I actually do, okay?

If some woman tried to compliment me on
my dick-giving abilities, I'd be psyched.

Hey, yo, Seth.

What?

Did you hear I'm having a
big grad party next Saturday?

- No.
- JESSE: Yeah.

MAN: Oh, Shit!
JESSE: You're not coming.

Tell your fucking faggot friend
he can't come either.

(JESSE HAWKING)

So Jesse wanted me to tell you

that you're a fucking faggot
and you can't come to his party.

You know, you really
bitched out back there, man.

I bitched out?

You bitched out, man,
you fucking Judas.

You fucking left me
hanging over there.

Did you want me to dive
in front of his spit?

♪♪♪

(BLOWS WHISTLE)

Come on, guys, let's go!

This is bullshit.

Pussy.

If I equals the square root
of negative one,

then I squared equals
negative one. Okay?

In other words,
if you consider I as a constant,

you can then define the square roots
of all the negative numbers.

So I is an imaginary number.
It doesn't really exist.

If I equals the square root
of negative one,

then I squared equals negative one.

(BELL RINGS)

Is this making s...? Okay.

- WOMAN: Okay, bye.
- Evan!

- Evan, hey.
- Hey, Becca.

- Hey, uh, thank you for your pen.
- EVAN: Hey. Hi.

No problem. No, no, don't worry.
No worries. You just keep it.

It'll be yours. You won't have to borrow
one again because you'll have that one.

- Thank you so much, that's...
- You're welcome. Don't worry about it.

So I was gonna ask you

did you hear about Jesse's
grad party next weekend?

- It should be fun.
- I heard. I... It's a maybe.

- Really?
- For me at the moment.

- Uh, my R.S.V.P.
- Just a maybe?

So far.

There's so much other fun shit
that's gonna be happening that night

that I can't really commit and,
you know, hurt someone's feelings.

Fun shit? But I never see you
at parties or anything.

That's because of all the
other fun shit I'm off doing.

I'd love to be
at all of them, but...

So why weren't you
at Dimitri's on Saturday?

There was just
so many things going on.

I couldn't find a minute to
make an appearance over there.

What did you do?

Um, Saturday was
a crazy night for me.

I had some friends over,
we had a few drinks.

PEOPLE ON VIDEO: That's Vag-tastic!

EVAN: I hung out in my basement,
the chill zone, Where we chill-lax.

Like "relax" and "chill"
all at once.

Seth's parents
were throwing this party.

We got to hang around adults,
which was a nice change of pace.

You converse, you talk to people
and they have interesting stories.

I talked to a man who claimed he had
climbed five mountains in his life.

- Wow.
- Then we went to a nightclub,

which was incredible.
This big, fancy one.

SETH: Gonna look at tits right now!
EVAN: "I'm feeling crazy." I said that.

BECCA: You got in?
EVAN: We got right in.

EVAN: Wanna do this, 'roid monkey?
FOGELL: Fuck you!

EVAN: Then we called it a night.
We were all just really exhausted.

Oh! What the fuck?!

You would've loved it.
It was an incredible, unbelievable night.

That sounds like a lot of fun.

You know, I'd love to go do
something like that sometime.

Oh, who wouldn't?
I mean, it was like

me and Seth are always
kind of cooking up these

fun sort of little,
you know, events.

So I guess you guys are really
gonna go crazy next year together.

Um, we were going to,
but we got into different schools.

Really? That sucks.

Yeah, I mean, it's not too bad.
I mean, it should be okay.

I'm not too worried
about it, really.

Don't worry about it.
I'm not worried at all.

- All right, well, thank you for the pen.
- Yeah. No problem.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Bye, Evan.

♪♪♪

Mrs. Hayworth, I joined this Class because
I thought I'd be cooking with a partner.

But she's never here, and I don't get
twice the grades for doing all the work.

I didn't invent odd numbers, Seth.

I know, but look at Evan, okay?
Just look at him.

Hey, don't keep me waiting much longer.
I'm getting impatient up here.

You know what I'm talking about.
Miroki, you're embarrassing me.

I'm over here in my unit, isolated and
alone, eating my terrible-tasting food,

and I gotta look over at that.

Looks like the most fun I've
ever seen in my entire life.

And it's B.S. Excuse my language.
I'm just saying that I wash and dry.

I'm like a single mother.

Look, we all know Home EC
is a joke, no offense.

Everyone takes this class to get an A.
It's bullshit, and I'm sorry.

I'm not putting down your profession,
but it's just the way I feel.

I don't wanna sit here all by
myself cooking this shitty food.

No offense. And I just think that
I don't ever need to cook tiramisu.

When am I gonna need
to cook tiramisu?

Am I gonna be a chef? No.

There's three weeks left in school.
Give me a fucking break.

I'm sorry for cursing.

All right, Jules' partner
isn't here today either.

Pair up with her. Station four.

Jules?

All right.
I'll give it another shot.

I'll give Home EC another shot.

Hey, Jules.
Your partner didn't come today?

- That's kind of a personal question.
- What?

Nothing. It's my attempt
at humor. I was just...

Oh, like coming.

Like "coming" coming.
Ahh.

Wow, that was a little too far
right there. The gesture.

Yeah. It's pretty far.
Shit, I do that...

No, don't worry.
I'm actually used to it.

My older brother says, like,
the nastiest shit.

Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.

- That's sick. That's not even clever.
- I know.

I know.

You know, I would've gone with something, you
know, at least, like, mildly entertaining.

You know, like... Like...
Like "family Jules."

Oh, like "nuts." Yeah, that's funny.
That's a fucking funny joke.

Fucking funny.

- I can't believe that.
- So all right. We gotta

mix it up.

(JEAN KNIGHT'S "DO ME" PLAYS)

(INAUDIBLE DIALOG)

Yeah, Hayworth won't notice this,
if we cover it with chocolate.

- The whole thing?
- Just dump it on. I'm serious.

Okay.

- And now it looks professional.
- That's really impressive.

- It's beautifully done.
- I think we're gonna get an A.

(LAUGHS)

So, what are you doing tonight?

- Probably nothing. Why?
- I don't know.

My parents are out of town so I
was thinking about having a party.

I don't really know how many
people are gonna be there,

but you could stop by
if you wanted to.

Yeah, I love parties.

Really?

I just don't really ever
see you at them.

You know, it's a love-hate thing.

So, like, you know, right now,
I really love them, though.

- Yeah.
- Good shit, right, Miroki?

Mm. Mm-hm.

Yeah.

Hey, Miroki, could we have
a minute alone? Just... Thanks.

Dude, Jules is having
a fucking party.

FOGELL: Hey!

- Don't tell Fogell about the party.
- Gangsters. What's up, guys?

I was just walking down the hall
and Nicola was right in front of me.

She's wearing these tight white
pants with this black G-string

and you could see right through the
pants, man. It was so sweet.

Uh...

It's 10:33.

(MUMBLING)

What?

I told her what time it was.

That's the coolest fucking stow I've ever
heard in my entire life. That's insane.

- Can I hear it again? You have time?
- Yeah, yeah, Seth.

I'm really gonna miss your knee-slappers
when me and Evan are at Dartmouth.

Well, while you guys are at
Dartmouth, I'll be over at State

where the girls are half as smart and
thus twice as likely to fellash me.

What are you guys
doing tonight? Asshole.

We got nothing.
Nothing tonight, Fogell.

No? Well, if nothing comes up,
we can get shitfaced again, yeah?

I mean, you're always calling me a pussy
and whatnot, but today you're wrong.

At lunch, I'm going to the
same place Mike Snider went

to pick up my brand-new fake ID.

Chica, chica. Yeah.
Fake ID. Fake ID. I'm tight.

That's insane. Because Evan was just
like, "I heard about this party."

We shouldn't tell Fogell about it." I
was like, "No, we should tell Fogell."

That way you could buy us booze now.
It's awesome.

Yeah, I'll... Sure, I'll buy the booze.
Yeah, man, we're gonna get our drinks on.

We're gonna party and get
crunk and rock out, dude.

HAYWORTH: If you're not in this
class, leave this Class.

Fogell! Hi.

Okay. Gotta go.

EVAN: Well done. Seriously.
See you after class.

You tell that idiot you're not
rooming with him next year?

Not yet. No.

All right, well, you better.
That guy's the fucking anti-poon.

Seth, it's dishes time.
What's the holdup?

We're getting a fake ID, so...

- It's not like a big deal.
- Wow. That's cool.

But you guys have, like,
four more years to cuddle,

so do you wanna get to work?

Well, we got into
different schools, so...

So you're cutting the cord?
What's gonna happen?

Nothing. Jeez, what does
everybody think is gonna happen?

The world's gonna explode if we
don't spend every second together?

I mean, we're not dependent
on each other, you know.

It's like, we met when we were eight.
We were fine before then.

I was. I mean, it's like,
we don't do everything together.

No. All right, I gotta take a piss. My dick's
not gonna shake itself. Come on, babe.

Oh, yeah.

- He's a crack-up.
- I'm just gonna go.

Well, at least we're
getting a graduation party.

Thank God, man.

Oh, I'm excited.

I would do terrible,
disgusting things to hook up with Jules.

- Unforgivable things.
- I hear you, man.

I'd give my middle nut
to start dating Becca.

Becca's a bitch.

You know what? I'm seriously
getting fucking sick of you

talking about her like that, frankly,
if we can be honest with each other.

- Me too.
- Why do you hate her so much?

You've never given me a reason.
I think you like her.

- Fuck no, man! I hate Becca.
- Why, man?

Fine, Evan. Here it comes.

When I was a little kid,
I kind of had this problem.

And it's not even
that big of a deal.

Something like 8 percent of kids do
it, but whatever. It's...

For some reason, I don't know why,
I would just kind of sit around all day...

and draw pictures of dicks.

What?

Draw pictures of dicks.

Dicks?

Like a man dick?

Yeah. Like a man dick.

♪♪♪

I'd just sit there for hours on end,
drawing dicks. I don't know What it was.

I couldn't touch the pen to a piece of paper
without it drawing the shape of a penis.

EVAN: That's fucked.
SETH: No shit, it's really fucked up.

Here I am, this little kid,

and I can't stop drawing dicks
to save my own life.

All right. I mean, I don't see
what this has to do with Becca.

Just listen. Okay?

Your precious little Becca
sat next to me for all of fourth grade.

And in the classroom is where
I did the majority of my illustrations.

I was very secretive about this
whole dick operation I had going on.

Even I thought I was fucking crazy.

Imagine what everyone else
would think.

So I would stash
all of my dick drawings

in this Ghostbusters
lunchbox that I had.

So one day I'm finishing up this
real big, veiny, triumphant bastard.

All of a sudden...

BOY: Pussy.

You hit Becca's foot
with your dick?

Yeah. I know.

♪♪♪

(SCREAMING)

Oh, my God!

SETH: She starts crying. She flips out.
And she rats me out to the principal.

He finds this Ghostbusters lunchbox
dick treasure chest

and he fucking flips out.

He calls in my parents. Turns out this
principal is some religious fanatic

and he thinks I'm possessed
by some sort of dick devil.

My parents make me go see some therapist, and
he's asking me all these dick questions.

They literally made me stop eating
foods that were shaped like dicks.

No hot dogs, no Popsicles.

You know how many foods are
shaped like dicks? The best kinds.

Yeah.

Well, I don't...
That's really messed up.

- Super gay.
- All right, let's stop this madness.

- Let's just go get some dessert.
- I can't, I gotta go meet my counselor.

I'm picking out my classes
for next year.

What, so I gotta sit here and eat dessert
alone, like I'm fucking Steven Glanzberg?

I gue... Yeah, I mean,
what do you want me to do?

I don't know. Nothing. It's fine.

- Just relax, man. I'll see you later.
- That's fine. I'll be fine.

MAN: Hey, pussy.

Fuck off.

Just the one. Just the one.
Not both.

NICOLA: So I'll call Andy and Greg.
JULES: Okay.

NICOLA: And I'll bring
the '80s dance music.

- Yeah, yeah.
- Right on.

Seth! Hi. There you are.
We were just talking about you.

- Here I am. Yeah.
- JULES: That's weird.

Um, so you're coming to my party tonight,
right? Because it's, like, fully on.

Yeah, why? Should I not come?
Because I could think of other shit...

Oh, no. No. I want you
to come, I just...

You said something earlier about,
like, a fake ID or something, right?

Yeah, I'm gonna get one.
For sure, for sure.

I'm getting that for sure.

(JULES LAUGHS)

Can you get us booze?

Yeah. I can.
I can get you guys alcohol.

- Really? Seriously?
- SETH: Yes, for sure.

That would be awesome.
Thank you.

Because we were worried
about that. That would be great.

Plus, you know, you scratch
our backs, we'll scratch yours.

Well, Jules, the funny thing
about my back

is that it's located on my cock.

(SETH AND JULES LAUGH)

So you do want alcohol?
You want some sort or no?

You do or you don't?
You do want alcohol.

- Um, yeah.
- Either way.

JULES: Well...
Either way. Either way's fine.

This is actually kind of
a big favor.

Because my parents left me like 100
bucks to feed myself for the week.

But the house is full of food,
so I just thought I'd spend it all

on, you know, extra drinks
for the party, so...

That's really nice. I don't think
I've ever done anything that nice.

- It's cool?
- Yeah.

- Okay. Thank you.
- Awesome.

I mean, seriously, that's really...
That's nice of you. Thank you.

So should I just get a shitload
of different shit?

Well, you gotta get me
some Kyle's Killer Lemonade.

Kyle's Killer Lemonade. That's kind
of gay, but I can get it for you.

So... Okay,
so then we will see you tonight.

GYM TEACHER: Go to the ball, guys.

Evan. Get into the game.

EVAN: Kick it over to me.

GYM TEACHER:
Seth! Get off the field!

Dude, get out of here.
They're gonna make me run laps again.

Just fucking listen, okay?

Jules and her stupid fucking friend came up
to me and they asked me to buy her alcohol.

But not just her, for her whole party.
You know what that means?

By some divine miracle, we were paired
up and she actually thought of me.

Thought of me enough to decide
that I was the guy she would trust

with the whole fun-ness of her party.
She wants to fuck me.

She wants my dick
in or around her mouth.

Did you ever think that maybe she's
just using you to get her alcohol?

She doesn't want your dick.

Yes, of course I thought of that.

That's like the first thing that
came to my mind. Just listen.

My older brother always says,
like, the nastiest shit.

Like he called me "hymen"
until I was 12.

Seth, I wanna blow you.

Man, she didn't say that.
Come on.

She didn't say the second part,
but the first part...

She's got an older brother.
She could've asked him,

but she asked me.
She looked me in the eyes and said:

"Seth, mama's making a pubie salad.
I need some Seth's Own dressing."

She's D.T.F. She's down
to fuck, man.

P in vagi.
She wants to fuck, man.

Tonight is the night that
fucking is an actual possibility.

You just sound like an idiot. You're not
gonna be able to sleep with her, man.

No. Dude, I know
I talk a lot of shit, okay?

But she's gonna be at the
party and she's gonna be drunk.

She likes me at least a little.
Enough to get with me.

At the very least,
I'll make out with her.

Two weeks, handjob.
Month, blowjob. Whatever.

And then I make her my girlfriend.

And I've got, like,
two solid months of sex.

By the time college rolls around,

I'll be like the Iron Chef
of pounding vag.

Can you get out of here and
we'll talk about this later?

What the fuck, Evan?
We're down two points.

Fucking calm down, Greg.
It's soccer.

- It's soccer.
- Fuck you, man.

Hey, Greg, why don't you
go piss your pants again?

- That was eight years ago, asshole.
- People don't forget.

Do you wanna hear
the best part? Becca.

You do the same thing with her.

When you guys are shitfaced at the
party, you get with her.

This is our last party
as high school people.

I've fully ignored my hatred for
Becca in coming up with this plan.

I'm flexing nuts. Just fucking
come with me on this voyage,

and just stop being
a pussy for once,

and we can fucking
fuck some girls already.

- I should buy Becca alcohol?
- Yeah, it'll be pimp.

That way you know she'll be drunk.
You know when you hear girls saying:

"Oh, I was so shitfaced last night.
I shouldn't have fucked that guy."

We could be that mistake!

Have you talked to Fogell?

All right, you talk to Becca.
I'll talk to that retard, Fogell.

Don't worry.

GYM TEACHER: Seth, get off the field!

SETH: Goal.

GYM TEACHER: You're getting that!
SETH: No, I'm not!

Hey, Becca. Hey, hold up.

- Oh, hey.
- Hey, um...

Hi. Did you hear
about the party tonight?

Yeah. Yeah, I just heard.
It sounds awesome.

Yeah. Yeah, I'm going.

- Really?
- Yeah, I'm gonna go to it.

That's actually why
I came looking for you.

Me and the guys are gonna go
to a liquor store after class.

And I just thought, you know,

if you needed someone to get you
yours, I could do that.

I could be that person.

Yeah.

Um, yeah, no, that would be great.

That would save me such a hassle,
because I was gonna beg my sister.

Could you get me, like,
a bottle of Goldslick Vodka?

Yeah. That's the one with the
little golden flakes in it?

- Yeah. The girly one.
- That's classy.

Well, I'll pay you back
at the party.

No, you won't.
No, it's my treat, miss.

- Really?
- Yep. That's that.

It's the first of many too,
so get used to it, sister.

Oh, well, thank you.

Yeah, no problem.

I'm sorry. That guy walked by.

- It was an accident.
- It's okay.

I was gonna give you a nudge...
A punch, the friend thing.

- It's okay.
- I didn't mean...

- GABY: Hey, Becca.
- Oh. Hey.

- Hey.
- Gaby.

- What's up, Evan?
- Hey, Gaby.

GABY: We should get to class.
BECCA: We're gonna go to class.

- So I will see you tonight.
- Okay.

- Really, don't worry.
- Okay. Sorry.

- GABY: Bye.
- Sorry.

Bye.

Sorry.

♪♪♪

Where's that sack of shit Fogell?
He said he'd be here after lunch.

I'm sitting here with
my thumb up my ass.

I did it, dude. I even
offered to pay for it.

It was pimp. I'm like,
I feel like a pimp right now.

- Like one of those pimps.
- Whoa. That is fucking pimp.

- That's what I was afraid of.
- Why didn't I think of that? Shit.

(BELL RINGS)

Sh... We're screwed.

- Okay? We're screwed.
- Okay.

This is what we get
for trusting Fogell, okay?

He pussied out.
I know he pussied out.

What are you making?

I'm just drilling holes.
The last two weeks. Fuck it.

What are we supposed to tell the girls,
that we couldn't do the one thing

that we promised because
we're dickless incompetents?

Now we're never gonna bone
because of that used tampon, Fogell.

How'd he get into Dartmouth? I don't
get it. He's got shit for brains.

All right, how else
can we get alcohol?

FOGELL: Yo, guys! What's up?

EVAN: Fogell,
where have you been, man?

You almost gave me
a goddamn heart attack.

- Let me see it. Did you pussy out?
- No, no, man. I got it.

It's flawless. Check it.

- Hawaii?
- Uh-huh.

EVAN: All right, that's good.
It's hard to trace, I guess.

Wait, you changed
your name to McLovin?

- Yeah.
- McLovin?

What kind of a stupid name is that?
You trying to be an Irish R & B singer?

No, they let you pick any name
you want when you get down there.

And you landed on McLovin?

Yeah, it was between that
or Mohammad.

Why the fuck would it be
between that or Mohammad?

Why don't you just pick a common
name like a normal person?

Mohammad is the most commonly used
name on earth. Read a fucking book.

Fogell, have you ever actually
met anyone named Mohammad?

Have you actually ever
met anyone named McLovin?

No, that's why you picked
a dumb fucking name.

- Fuck you.
- SETH: Give me that.

All right. You look like a future
pedophile in this picture, number one.

Number two, it doesn't even have
a first name. It just says McLovin!

EVAN: What? One name?

One name? Who are you, Seal?

Fogell, this ID says
you're 25 years old.

Why wouldn't you just put 21, man?

Seth, Seth, Seth.
Listen up, ass-face.

Every day, hundreds of kids go into
the liquor store with their fake IDS,

and every single one
says they're 21.

How many 21-year-olds do you
think there are in this town?

It's called fucking strategy.

Let's stay calm, okay?
Let's not lose our heads.

It's a fine ID. It'll... It's gonna work.
It's passable, okay?

This isn't terrible.
I mean, it's up to you, Fogell.

This guy's either gonna think,
"Here's another kid with a fake ID"

or, "Here's McLovin,
the 25-year-old Hawaiian organ donor."

Okay? So, what's it gonna be?

I am McLovin.

No, you're not. No one's McLovin.
McLovin's never existed

because that's a made-up, dumb,
fucking fairy-tale name, you fuck!

Jeez, man. It'll work.
Give it a chance.

Did you move my...?

Where is my car?

EVAN: Oh, my God, man.

Didn't I tell you? What did I say to you?
I told you not to park here.

Why would you park
in the staff parking lot?

Shut the fuck up, Fogell.

I mean, because you're not staff.

I know that, Fagell!
I know that!

Evan, let's go to your house.

Wait, are you guys
still picking me up from work?

Can you answer me?

SETH: Man, don't you have
any non-infant clothes?

- It'll be fine.
- EVAN: Yeah.

Why don't you just wear
what you wore to school?

No. I can't do that. I can't let Jules
see me in what I wore to school.

It's completely unbecoming.

No one's gotten a handjob
in cargo shorts since Nam.

You know why I have to kill these guys?
Because you don't negotiate with terrorists.

SETH: Oh, really? Yeah, that's what
we should be talking about right now.

Then why don't you go to your house
and get some of your own clothes?

No. That's the dumbest thing ever.

If I go home, my parents will see that
my car's been towed and I'll be grounded.

EVAN: These fucking terrorists
multiply like bunnies.

Where did I leave the M16?

Do you have any bigger clothes
or do you only shop at babyGap?

(MAN SCREAMING ON VIDEO GAME)

Fuck me. I can't...

That's fun.
Why do they make that?

If you can't even win,
then why am I fucking playing?

Do you wanna go see
what my dad has?

(RICK JAMES' "BUSTIN' OUT
(ON FUNK)" PLAYS)

(MOUTHING)
What the fuck?

SETH: What the hell is that?

It's a fucking vest, dumb-ass.

- I'm trying to look older.
- You look like Pinocchio.

- No, it's just a vest.
- They got a lot of booze in there.

If we get it now, we can get
to the party faster with Jules' shit.

No way, man. I work there.
They know I'm not 25.

Nobody said anything about you,
dick-mouth.

You really fucked me on this one.

So now I'm gonna steal the booze.

Don't do this. I promise you
I'll get the liquor later.

Mike Snider's ID always works.
So will mine, man.

Mike Snider's ID doesn't have
one fucking name on it! Okay?

I thought you Dartmouth guys would
be smart enough to understand that.

Now Seth's gotta
pick up all the pieces.

He won't do it.
Don't worry.

I forgot to tell you, my mom said we
can have the TV from the basement...

Shut the fuck up,
he's gonna hear you.

Just be quiet.
Wait until he goes away.

You still haven't told him
that we're rooming together?

Fogell, shut the fuck up.

And take off your vest.
You look like Aladdin.

Okay. You got it.

Hope piggy can run.

How old are you?

Twenty-two.

You certainly are.
That'll be 80 dollars.

Oh. Okay.

Thank you kindly.
Will that do?

Certainly will.
Thank you, Seth.

Hey, thank you.

SETH: Oh.

You dropped your purse, ma'am.

Would you like some help
with your groceries?

Well, that would be lovely,
young man.

Would you like me
to buy you alcohol?

That would be lovely.

- Enjoy your remaining years.
- I Will.

- Enjoy fucking Jules.
- I Will.

MAN: Don't do it, kid.

♪♪♪

I never had a choice.

(SCREAMS)

You fucking killed her!

No!

Where's all the stolen liquor?
Did you hide it up your butt?

Piss off! I was gonna do it,
but there was a security breach.

You never would've done it.

Let's go to a liquor store and
watch your stupid ID get rejected.

Wait, I'm gonna go put my vest
back in my locker.

(THE FOUR TOPS'
"ARE YOU MAN ENOUGH" PLAYS)

EVAN: All right. Here we are.
This is it. You ready?

FOGELL: Yeah.
EVAN: Yeah?

- Here's the money and the list.
- Change is yours. Keep the change.

- Thank you. What's the list for?
- The alcohol.

We're gonna get alcohol
for the whole party, okay?

We put a lot of time into this list,
so don't fuck it up and get sambuca again.

- It's perfect.
- Ouzo, bourbon,

spiced rum, Goldslick...

Goldslick Vodka. That's for Becca.
Don't forget that, okay?

Raspberry vodka, Scotch...

Oh, and Kyle's Killer
Lemonade. A six-pack.

This is a lot of stuff, man. I don't
know if I can get away with all this.

What difference does
it make how much it is?

I don't know, man.
I'm, like, really nervous.

- Are you okay?
- No, man. I should have wore the vest.

- Calm down.
- What the fuck are you doing?

What if I go in there
and they turn me down, man?

Then we're in the same exact
place we're in right now.

- Who cares?
- It's fucking humiliating!

Everybody in the store
sees them kicking me out.

What if they make me put the liquor
back on the shelf? I can't do that.

This whole thing
is bigger than you, Fogell!

So grow a pair of nuts and fucking
walk in there and buy the alcohol!

What if I don't feel like it
anymore, Seth? What?

Then I'll fucking kill you, okay?

I'll get a knife and stab you
through your fucking heart.

No, you can do this, man.
Come on.

Killing me won't get you alcohol,
jerk off. I'm the one with the fake ID.

Then I'll cut
your dumb fucking face off

throw it over mine and get your ID
and buy it my-fucking-self!

Oh, really? You don't have the
technology or the steady hands

to pull off a procedure
like that, so ha!

Peace.

EVAN: Fogell, just be cool, man.
Get in and get out.

You're the hero.

Sorry.

♪♪♪

(INAUDIBLE DIALOG)

Is there a problem here, sir?
Mm-mm.

No. Mm-mm.
No problem whatsoever.

Sir, did you do this?
On the floor?

No.

And you should really clean this up.

Someone could really
hurt themselves.

Fuck my life.

We're so fucked.
We're so fucked.

This plan's been fucked
since Jump Street, man.

Okay, just calm down.
Just calm down, all right?

Hey, so did you bring
a condom for tonight?

You brought a condom with you?

Yeah. I figured
I might as well, you know?

I brought a little bottle
of spermicidal lube too.

But you laughed in my face when
I said I'd be having sex tonight.

Yeah, that doesn't mean you
shouldn't always be prepared.

- You didn't even bring a condom?
- No.

No, Evan, that wasn't
part of the plan.

I can't believe you did this
without consulting with me about it.

Why are you talking about a plan? We've never discussed,
like, any plan, but you keep saying we have a plan.

I had, like, a general outline.
You know?

I was gonna go down on her
for, like, several hours, okay?

She would love that. She'd be smitten
by that. She'd go out with that.

Or I dry hump
the shit out of her leg.

Okay. Well, I just... I don't see the
harm in bringing one little condom.

And one little bottle
of spermicidal lube?

Yeah, one little bottle
of spermicidal lube.

- Evan, that's psycho shit, man.
- No, it's not.

That's, like, Charles Manson shit.

What, do you think Becca's gonna be
psyched that you brought a bottle of lube?

"Oh, Evan. Thank you for
bringing that lube for my pussy."

I never would've been able to
handle your fucking 4-inch dick

"inside my pussy without
that gigantic bottle of lube."

- Okay, that's... That's enough.
- Fuck.

These girls are 18 years old,
they're not dried-up old ladies.

- They're good to go.
- Then I won't bring the lube.

Don't make me feel like that.
I thought it was cool.

- This is a nice kind.
- Let me see that for a second.

- An impressive kind.
- It actually is kind of cool.

- That's cool.
- Fucking dumb-ass. Lube?

- That's fun.
- You brought lube?

So you owe me 6 bucks because I'm not walking
over there to get it and it exploded.

Hello, Mindy.

(FOGELL WHISTLING)

(CASH REGISTER BEEPING)

I love that stuff.
Been drinking it for years.

You know, I heard they recently
decided to add more hops to it.

Um, okay.

I'm gonna need to see
some identification.

Really?

Makes me feel young again.
Ha-ha. There you go.

Oh, shit, it's Cary Hutchins.

She had the biggest tits
I've ever seen, I think.

EVAN: I heard she got
breast-reduction surgery.

SETH: What? Making your tits smaller?

That's like slapping God across the
face for giving you a gorgeous gift.

She had back problems, man.

And it's not just making them smaller.
They completely reshape them.

They make them more
supple and symmetrical.

I gotta catch a glimpse
of these warlocks.

Let's make a move.

- She's going around the corner.
- Come on!

MINDY: Okay. Your total is 96.59.

(SCREAMING)

I don't believe it!

Are you okay, mister?

Ah! What the shit was that?

(SHRIEKING)

MINDY: I don't believe it.
I don't believe it.

I don't believe it.

I don't know, man. I think
she looked better before.

But now that she can jog comfortably,
she's in the best shape she's ever...

♪♪♪

What is this? What's that?

Oh, man.

Holy shit, they busted Fogell.

How did this happen, Evan?
Fuck, man!

His dad's gonna fucking kill him.

MINDY: Look, okay?

He assaulted the customer,
grabbed the cash and ran out.

So...

- How...?
- How...? How...? How...?

- Say when, height-wise.
- I'm gonna start up here, tell me when.

- I'll start on the bottom and...
- MINDY: When.

Whatever 5'10 " is, he was 5'10".

Ethnically, I mean, did...?
What...? Urn...

I mean, was he...?
Was he like us, or...?

A woman?

- Female?
- No.

- Is that what you're asking?
- No, no. Was he...?

- Like, uh...
- MINDY: What? What?

- African?
- Af... Af...

- MINDY: Was he African?
- African.

No. He was American,
and he was like you.

- He looked just like you.
- He was Jewish. Okay, Jew.

- It's an odd crime for a Jew.
- SLATER: They're pretty docile.

Okay, so we have an African
Jew wearing a hoodie.

No, you don't. No. That's not what I said.
Is that what you heard me say?

I said he looked like you.
Do you look like an African Jew?

- No, I look like a cop.
- Yeah.

He was Caucasian.

- Caucasian.
- Oh. All right.

- Okay.
- Well, touché.

Kind of looked like Eminem.
Does that help you?

- An M&M.
- An M&M.

- So he was circular...?
- Marshall Mathers. Eminem?

- The rapper, Eminem.
- Did he look like this?

I'm an amateur. I kind of...

Because that kind of
looks like an M&M.

Longer face? Bigger nose?
Would you say his mouth was wider?

Open? A gap?

Is there another squad car that's in the area
that could probably be of further assistance?

I don't seem to be getting any.

Okay, so just walk me through
again what this guy did.

He... He... He came in,
he's wielding...

He's wielding something. He hits
this small gentleman in the slacks.

And then he jumps over you,
he feels you up, violates you.

- MINDY: I did not say that.
- No, he doesn't.

Look, I can't do this. I told you
already, I have an exam tomorrow.

Can you understand that?
I have a goddamn veterinary exam!

(MINDY CRYING)

Goddamn it.
This is bullshit.

This is some bullshit.
I got an exam tomorrow. Forget this.

Well, apparently
someone has an exam.

MICHAELS: How'd you know?

You. You're the one
that got punched?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

First things first.
What is your name?

Uh...

My name?

It's M... McLov... McLovin.

McLovin?

Yeah. Mm-hm.

Now, what's your first name?

What?

- Your first name?
- My first name?

Technically I don't have a first name,
so don't worry about my first name.

But we're the police.

SLATER: We just wanna
get the story straight.

- Come on.
- Fuck, man.

- Come on!
- He must be so afraid.

I don't believe this bullshit.
I can't believe this is happening!

I didn't know you could get arrested
for this shit. We need that liquor.

- Are they gonna take him downtown?
- Fuck Fogell.

He got arrested, okay?
We're on our own.

We need a new way to get liq...

Fuck! The money, man! Fuck!
How much money can you get?

Why are you talking about money, man?
What about Fogell?

That doesn't matter anymore.
I lost a hundred dollars of Jules' money.

What am I gonna do, bust him out of jail'?
I'm gonna bake him a cake with a fucking file in it?

Fuck Fogell. We need a new way to get liquor, which is
fucking impossible because we don't have any money.

Fuck!
All right, you need to calm down.

We need to think for a second.

- We just need to think this out.
- Fuck thinking, we need to act!

(TIRES SCREECH)

EVAN: Whoa. Seth!

- SETH: What the fuck happened?
- Just... Just get up. Slowly.

You all right? You okay?

I am so sorry, man.
I am so sorry.

I didn't even effing see you at all, man.
Are you okay?

So it's just McLovin?

Yeah. Mm-hm.

- That's badass.
- That is badass.

MICHAELS: Really cool.
- A badass name.

Lot of people with
weird names nowadays.

Chingy. Shakira.

Rafe. Pax.

We arrested a man-lady
who was legally named "Fuck."

Think he was Vietnamese,
it was with a P-H.

But it's still pretty
shocking to see on a license.

- Okay, and how old are you, McLovin?
- Old enough.

Old enough for what?

To party.

Can I see your ID?

Yeah, I think I have it.

♪♪♪

(INAUDIBLE DIALOG)

- You're an organ donor.
- Bu-What?

I didn't wanna be one,
but my wife insisted.

I always give him shit
for it too. All the time.

I say, "It's just like a woman.
Even after you're dead",

- ...they wanna tear your heart out."
- They wanna tear your heart out.

- I say it weekly and it's still funny.
- It still makes me laugh.

- Really funny.
- There you go.

I'm sorry, guys.
I don't really have any information.

He just kind of hit me, and I didn't
really see what he looked like.

- I don't know if I can help you.
- You in a hurry or something?

Yeah, kind of had
to catch that bus.

- Where were you headed?
- Uh, near 13th and Granville.

- We can take you there.
- Get your information on the way.

- Why waste 2 bucks?
- We'll take you. No problem.

Please don't report me, man. We can figure this
out, right? We can figure this out, right?

Why the fuck wouldn't I report you?
You just hit me with your car.

Because I'll do anything.

Please, okay? Anything.
Like, literally,

fucking anything.

Name anything.
Name it. Name it.

All right, look.
Hey, man. All right.

Listen, you can trust me, okay?

I'm gonna be
totally honest with you.

I have a warrant out
for a totally nonviolent crime.

Okay? There.
Mercy street, guys.

Well, I'll be honest
with you for a second.

You better get us a shitload of
cash or a shitload of alcohol

or you're going to fucking prison.

What are you doing, man?
You don't need to...

No, let's not... Let's
hang on a second here.

- Cough it up.
- Fine.

I don't know if we should
be doing anything too official.

Let's work together. We're working together.
It's like Let's Make a Deal. Here we go.

Seven bucks?

Are you fucking serious? This isn't enough
for anything. What are you, a 6-year-old?

- It's all I have, man. It's all I have.
- You better think of something quickly.

- Ah! My back! My back. Cops, my back.
- No, no, no. Wait, don't do that.

All right, listen.
I can get you alcohol.

I'm going over to this party
right now, bro. Okay?

It's got booze, it's got girls.
Booze and girls equals...

I don't know. Do you?
I don't know. Do you?

- I think you do. Do you?
- Yes. That's a definite yes.

Definite yes, then.

- Give me one see to talk to him.
- Stay right here.

Yeah, yeah. Do what you gotta do. Mix it
over. I'll be over by the car. It's cool.

Just talk it out.
Hey, I'm a nice guy.

- Come on, it's great.
- What are you thinking, man?

- What are you doing?
- What?

I lost Jules' money,
Fogell's dead to us now,

we don't have any
other choices. Let's go.

I don't like this idea. This guy's
fucking creepy, man. Look at him.

What? He looks like a guy.
That's what guys look like.

- What is your problem?
- You guys know a guy named Jimmy?

You totally look like his brother.

You totally look
like his brother, man.

You do.

You promised Becca
you'd get her alcohol.

If you don't, she's gonna
have a shitty night.

That's all I'm saying.
Come on.

We bingo, bango, ready to go, go?

MICHAELS: Good luck on
your exam tomorrow.

SLATER: Good luck on your exam.

You don't wanna
ride the bus anyway.

MICHAELS: Buses smell like
piss, generally.

- You know why?
- FOGELL: Why?

MICHAELS: People piss on them.

(MICHAELS AND SLATER LAUGHING)

♪♪♪

You know, one of you bros could've
come up and sat up with me.

- We're fine back here.
- Back's fine.

Safe in the back seat.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Oh!

- Oh, my God.
- EVAN: What's up?

- Hey, Jules.
- Who is it? Who's on the phone?

Seth. Hey, where are you?

I'm in a cab right now,
on the way to a liquor store.

Okay, good. I can't wait
for you to get here.

Well, I hope your friends
are ready to get fucked up.

JULES: I'm sure they will be.

- Okay, I'll see you soon.
- SETH: Peace.

Oh, man! Dude, this is crazy.

She called, she said,
"I can't wait for you to get there."

That sounds like she fully wants
it, man. Oh, yeah.

Who's gonna give it to her, huh, my man?
You, that's who.

Man.

You guys on MySpace, or...?

(THE REMAINS' "WHY DO I CRY?"
PLAYS ON STEREO)

(HUMMING)

- Um, officers?
- Hm?

I can answer those questions
now if you want me to.

We get the gist of it. You were
buying beer, some guys punched you.

Don't worry about it.
We're not gonna find them.

- Case closed.
- Um, but it was only...

- SLATER: Uh-oh.
- Whoop.

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN STOPS)

(LAUGHING)

- But it was only one guy.
- Only one guy? Shit.

How am I supposed to find
one guy in the whole county?

This job really isn't how, you know,
shows like CSI make it out to be.

When I first joined the force,
I assumed there was semen on everything

and there was some, like,
huge semen database

that had every bad guy's semen in it.
There isn't. That doesn't exist.

I often go to sleep and dream of
waking up in a world where

- ...everything is covered in semen.
- I mean, who doesn't?

It'd be nice.
Like that crime scene today.

If the man had ejaculated and
then punched you in the face,

we'd have a real good shot
at catching him.

- No way.
- Just punched in the face, no semen.

No semen.

MICHAELS: Story of my life.
SLATER: Oh!

(SIREN WAILING)

(SIREN STOPS)

Michaels here, he's six months in.

He's young, but the Force
is strong with this one.

(IMITATING YODA) Learning you
are, young padawan.

Thank you very much.

- (IN NORMAL VOICE) That's Yoda.
- MICHAELS: You familiar with Yoda?

From Attack of the Clones?

WOMAN (OVER RADIO): We have a 245 at East
24 and Montgomery, Bailey's Bar and Grill.

Car 98 on it.

See, Michaels, you always
take a call at a bar because

better or worse, you get
a beer out of it.

- Wow.
- SLATER: Pretty sweet, huh?

- True that. Amazing thinking.
- SLATER: Hey, McLovin.

We got a situation at Bailey's,
so we'll drop you off after, all right?

Actually, I kind of
have to be somewhere...

Sweet. Sit tight.

Set course for Bailey's Bar and Grill,
warp 10. Engage.

(SIREN WAILING)

FRANCIS: Yeah.
Welcome to the Thunderdome.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING)

EVAN: Hey, man, are you sure it's
cool that we're here with you?

FRANCIS: Oh, definitely, man.

I'm essentially
best friends with the guy,

so a bunch of my buds are coming.

Don't worry. We're gonna rock out
with our cocks out. Just kidding.

- We are gonna rock out.
- Just go, just go.

FRANCIS: What's up?
What's up? What's up?

Hello, hello. Hey, guys.

This is something
a smart person wouldn't do.

Look, just act cool and act
casual, and try and look old.

We'll get the booze and get
the fuck out of here, okay?

Hey, where the party at? Right.

MAN 1: You got those shots, bro?
MAN 2: It's coming.

Come on, let's party.

Come on. Do it up.

We should just grab one of these
buckets and get out of here.

Are you out of your mind? How are
we gonna get a fucking bucket out?

Hey, man.

What the fuck do you
think you're doing?

- What are you...? What? Nothing.
- You using my phone?

- What do you think you're doing?
- Hang on. Nothing.

What...? What...?
What's wrong, Mark?

You weren't invited.
Get the fuck out of here.

- Come on, Mark. It's cool, man.
- You using my fucking phone?

You calling your fucking
friends again? Huh?

You calling your friends,
your fantastic friends?

No. I mean, yes.
But I mean I'll...

Come on, man, just relax.
Mark, please.

Get the fuck out of here.
The fuck out of my house.

Get the fuck out of my house.

- This is my house.
- Don't be such a dick, man!

What the fuck?

Mark! You really wanna
do this, man?

Here we 90.
We're really gonna do this?

(PEOPLE CHEERING)

That's right, motherfucker.

MAN 1: Come on, pussy.
Get up, dude.

CROWD: Ooh!

FRANCIS: Oh, shit. I'm sorry, bro.
I'm sorry, bro. I'm sorry, bro.

Tiger got out of the cage, man.
All right? I'm sorry. Come on, Mark.

Let's just chill.
Everyone just chill out.

Truce, man.

(GROANING)

MAN 2: Right in the nads!

MARK: This is for your friends.
Here, have another one.

EVAN: Shit. Oh, shit, oh, shit, oh, shit.
Oh, my God. What do we do?

SETH: Come on. come on.
EVAN: Choose one.

- We can slip out the back, man.
- Wait, wait. Come on.

We're here. Let's
hurry up and do this.

Are you crazy, man?
Wanna end up like that guy?

Not me. I need my nuts,
man, for a lot of things.

- We need this liquor.
- No. You need it. I don't.

I'm just gonna tell Becca how I feel.
And then maybe she'll get with me.

I'm not gonna get her
drunk out of her mind.

Oh, really? Then how come you
never made a move, you pussy?

Because I respect her, Seth. I'm not gonna
put that kind of unfair pressure on her.

Come on, I don't see a problem.
Let's just do it.

We're leaving, okay? These guys could kill
us, man. You wanna get killed for liquor?

No, but I would get killed for
pussy, no questions asked.

- Fuck this, man.
- You're just gonna bail on me?

- EVAN: I'm going.
- Fucking bitch.

MICHAELS (OVER LOUDSPEAKER):
Move, people.

- Thank you.
- SLATER: Oh, I love this place.

(MEN ARGUING IN DISTANCE)

What the hell is going on in there?

If the bullets start flying,
hit the deck.

MAN 1: You pissed everywhere,
you son of a bitch!

MAN 2: Everywhere?
You didn't see me pissing anywhere.

Sir, I don't know what
you're talking about.

Take your nuts out of your shells!

All right, Michaels,
I got your back.

Why don't you show
this rummy how we roll?

10-4.

Excuse me, sir.
Stop what you are doing at once.

- Ah! Blue guys!
- Resisting. Resisting!

- Slater!
- Michaels!

Everybody stay calm.

- Everybody stay calm.
- Get the fuck out of my way!

Stay calm! Fuck!

- Should I shoot him?
- SLATER: No, no, no!

- No!
- Stop him, McLovin!

SLATER: McLovin, stop him!
Do it, do it, do it, do it!

(SCREAMING)

Please stop it, you fucking bum.
What the fuck?

(SCREAMS)

McLovin! Nice!

He just came at me.
I took him down.

SLATER: I'm buying you a beer, McLovin.

I'm buying you one too.
All you guys,

take note. That's how
you take down a motherfucker.

SLATER: That's right.

McLovin in the fucking house!

(THE RAPTURE'S "ECHOES"
PLAYING ON STEREO)

Hey.
You dance hot.

Thank you.

(PHONE BUZZING)

Okay, okay.
Here we... Here we go.

- Hello?
- Evan, it's Becca.

Oh, Becca. Hi. Hey.

(STATIC OVER PHONE)

Hello?
Hello. Hey. Becca.

- Becca...
- Evan, can you hear me?

- Hello? What?
- Can you hear...? Piece of shit!

Guy sells me
a piece of shit fucking phone.

- Becca?
- It's Becca.

I get one bar
everywhere I fucking go.

- What is he saying?
- Fucking asshole.

- I think...
- What happened?

Son-of-a-fucking-bitch phone company.

- That's rude. Hello?
- Fuck. You suck.

Bullshit phone. Piece of shit.
Hello?

I swear I'll bitchslap you
so fucking hard.

- What?
- Bec...?

(PHONE BEEPS)

(NOTORIOUS B.I.G.'S "BIG POPPA"
PLAYING ON STEREO)

Thanks.

This is fucking crazy.

(ROCK MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

Hey. Look what
fell out of the truck!

(CHEERING)

MAN: You're full of shit.

Yeah, I know.

Dude. Dude.
We're so gonna get fucked up.

- All right.
- Hey.

What is that? Uh...

I don't know. What?

That fucking stain on your pants, idiot.
What is that?

- What are you talking about, man?
- Dude.

- Is that blood?
- SETH: What the fuck is that?

- Are you bleeding?
- I'm not cut or anything.

- Why would I be bleeding?
- It's fucking blood, man.

Were you dancing
with some chick in there?

- Yeah, so?
- It's blood.

- Dude, that's not funny.
- It's blood, dude.

But Why would I be bleeding?
Why the fuck would I be bl...?

Dude, Why would there be bl...?

(MAN LAUGHING)

Oh, fuck. Oh, my God.

Oh, shit.
I'm gonna fucking throw up.

Someone perioded on my fucking leg?

- Oh, shit.
- What the fuck do I do?

I've never before
seen that in my life!

This is so disgusting.

- Yes, it is.
- I'm gonna go get Bill.

- He's gotta Check this shit out.
- Fuck, yeah.

No. Who's Bill? Don't tell Bill!
Bill has nothing to do with this!

Hey, calm down, calm down.
Let me get a picture of that real quick.

No, you can't have a picture!

- Dude, stop!
- Bill, Bill! Check it out!

This kid's got period blood
on his slacks.

It's merlot.
That's what you don't get.

Hey, Pat! This jerk-off's
got period blood on his pants!

- Please stop.
- PAT: God, man, let me see.

Oh, my God,
that's a fucking man-gina, man.

- Do you need a tampon? I could...
- Wait, wait. I have one! I have one!

Yeah, right? I don't know.

- I gotta wash this merlot off.
- Is this the line?

What does it look like?

Fuck me, right?

MICHAELS: Uh, yeah, I'm McLovin.
I'd like to buy some...

Oh!

(LAUGHING)

Shit.

MICHAELS: Rewind, rewind.
FOGELL: Rewind it. Yeah!

So hot. Let's see it again.
MICHAELS: Oh!

- Your legs lifted off the ground.
- Oh, my God.

That is bona fide badass, man.

You gotta keep that tape, McLovin.
It is badass.

- It really is.
- Really?

Well, don't you guys, like,
need it for, like, evidence or...?

The only thing that's evidence of
is you can take a hit like a champ.

Seriously. Take that.

Are there any ladies we'd
like to show this tape to?

No. You don't wanna meet a chick
in a bar, man. Seriously.

That was a major turning point
in my life, when I realized that.

You gotta go to other places. You gotta
go to a spin class, a farmers' market,

pumpkin patch,
given the time of year.

Just somewhere social,
non-threatening.

- You know, something like that.
- Yeah, I met the missus at paintball.

Yeah, I shot her in the neck.
And we just...

And we just hit it off, you know.

My first wife... Who is a
whore, by the way.

...Where do you think I met her?

A bar. A bar.

- It was this bar.
- It was this bar.

Yeah, it was this bar.

Bought her a Binion's,
complimented her on her tote bag,

and next thing I know, she's putting
her mouth around the tip of my penis.

You don't have to tell me that.

- Right in there.
- She opened up my world, sexually.

On our wedding night,
we had group sex.

I wasn't involved in it.

- But I could hear it through the wall.
- I was.

She was amazing.
And then it was exactly 23 months later

that I found out that
she was an actual whore.

- We discovered her on the street.
- Yeah.

I'm sorry.

SLATER: She was bad.
Fucking whoring bitch.

- But you got a new wife now, so...
- Yeah. Yeah.

And she is wonderful.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- You'll meet her.

You know what?
I bet I know your trick, McLovin.

You play the whole myst...

WOMAN (ON RADIO): Calling all units.

Just turn that off.

MAN (ON RADIO): Send backup!
There '3 so much blood...!

(RADIO CLICKS OFF)

I bet you play the whole
mysterious-guy thing, right?

Yeah, seriously.
How's it going with the ladies?

It's not the going with the ladies
I care about,

it's the coming.

- I get it.
- What is it? What is it?

Like:

Like coming.

- That's funny. That is really funny.
- Oh, my God.

Whoo!

(IMITATES RADIO STATIC)

All right, looks like we got a call.
We can't pay for these.

MICHAELS: 10-4. We'll be right there.

- Speedy Gonzales, let's go.
- We should get road beers, huh?

Hell, yeah, we should
get some road beers.

Can I have 13 beers to go, please?

Please. God, my fucking leg.

♪♪♪

Fuck.

(PHONE RINGING)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

- BECCA: I think it's him. Shh.
- Oh, is it him?

- Hello?
- EVAN: Hey, Becca.

Hi, I had a bad reception.
So, um, about your Goldslick...

- Guys, shut up.
- Hey, what's going on over there?

Oh, it's nothing. It's just...

Um, I was just calling, you know,
to see if you were coming

because I thought maybe you were stuck
at, like, a nightclub

or a cocktail party or something.

No, no, I'm gonna be there for sure.
Full throttle.

- Charlie's Angels 2.
- BECCA: Awesome.

- I can't wait to see you. Evan?
- Okay, bye.

MAN 1: That was the first time I ever did
coke. Off that bitch's nipple. That was so...

MAN 2: A little White sniff.
MAN 1: That was awesome.

That was gorgeous.

MAN 3: Hey, hey, hey.
You guys, stay in this room, man.

They're gonna kill that guy tonight.
That Chick's boyfriend is pissed.

Yeah. He's a beast.

I've been praying for a fight. I'm literally
waking up every morning and praying...

...to see a fucking fight.
BILLY: Hey, hey, hey.

Who's that guy?

- BENJI: Who is that guy?
- Hi.

- Who's this guy?
- Pleasure to see you fellas.

Hi, everyone.

- Who are you?
- I'm nobody.

No, no, no. I know you.
I know you.

He was at that party with me.
The one I was telling you about.

- No, no.
- Who is it?

Remember? He's Jimmy's brother.
The guy. The singer.

- No shit.
- MAN 3: He's the guy

with the beautiful voice
I was telling you about.

- The fucking singer, Jimmy's brother!
- That's not me, man.

- Oh, my God.
- Sing for us! Sing.

Oh, "It's not me"?
You fucking lying?

No, I don't mean to accuse you
guys of being ill-informed, but...

My brother came from Scottsdale,
Arizona to be here tonight.

And you're not gonna sing for him?

- Fucking bullshit.
- MAN 1: Sing.

- You're a fucking singer.
- You sing. And you sing good.

- BENJI: Sing it again.
- Like a bird.

- No, I know, I just... I want to.
- You want a line of cocaine?

- EVAN: No way, man.
- Yeah.

Don't make this weird. Sing.

MAN 3: Sing it again.
BENJI: Turbo.

(TED NUGENT'S "JOURNEY TO THE CENTER
OF YOUR MIND" PLAYING ON RADIO)

SLATER: Fuck! Over!
MICHAELS: Okay, watch this.

I'll get it right on the nose.

SLATER: You're gonna fuck it up.
You're gonna fuck it up.

Under!

(LAUGHING)

I feel hammered.
That doesn't make any sense.

- You're a fucking pussy.
- Okay, okay. Great, great.

- Okay, McLovin, see if you can do it.
- The kid's gonna nail it.

Come on, McLovin.
Do it, buddy. Come on, buddy!

- Bring it!
- 0.08, motherfuckers!

- Man!
- SLATER: That's my boy!

- FOGELL: Yes!
- Beginner's luck. Beginner's luck.

So, What's it like to have guns?

It is awesome, McLovin.

- I mean, it's mindbl...
- It's great.

I haven't had one for long,
only a few months, but I'll tell you

- it's like having two cocks.
- Yup.

If one of your cocks
could kill someone.

(LAUGHING)

- Can I hold one?
- What?

Can I hold one of your guns?

- Yeah, sure.
- Fine with me. Why not?

Everyone should hold a gun
at least a couple times.

Yeah, there you go.

- Have a blast.
- "Have a blast."

- That's funny.
- I've never held one of these before.

- Are they hard to shoot?
- Uh, if you're Michaels, they are.

- He can't shoot worth dick.
- What?

I can shoot. What are you...? Wait.

You honestly saying
I can't shoot worth dick?

- SLATER: You cannot shoot.
- I shot that cat last week.

It was already dead, man.

- I still shot it.
- That cat was dead.

There's only one way
to settle this, guys.

- MICHAELS: Shoot-off.
- Shoot-off.

- Shoot-off!
- SLATER: Shoot-off!

(CHEERING)

Dude, there's a lot of
reasons why I like you.

I mean, you're handsome
and you're a good friend.

Dude, there he is. That's the guy.
Hey, Mark, right there.

Oh, you got a stain too.

- We're blood brothers.
- Shut the fuck up.

You're in my house,
you answer my questions.

What were you doing
dancing with Jacinda?

I don't even dance. I just...

I don't even dance ever, so...
I've never even tried it.

Then where the hell did this
come from, asshole?

Maybe you and I rubbed up against
each other at some point in time.

I don't remember. Or maybe it was some
sort of ricochet scenario. I don't know.

- How am I supposed to know?
- Kick his ass, Mark.

Shut the fuck up, Scarlett.

Where do you get off
dancing with my fiancee?

(SINGING "TH ESE EYES")

To some girl.

BILLY: Talk about the hurting.

MAN 1: AW, Shit.
BILLY: All right.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

- Yo! Fight!
- Move it!

- Go, check this out!
- Oh, fuck!

And what the hell is this?

- I don't fucking... It's detergent.
- Yeah, what are you doing with it?

I got fucking blood on my pants.

Get down.

(SCREAMING)

What the fuck is this all about,
man? Are you...?

- Well, fuck me.
- Fellas.

Oh, shit,
I've been tackled by little girls!

You die! You're next!

(YELLING)

I should fucking kill you,
you motherfucker!

MAN: Hold him, Jimmy's brother!

- Hold him!
- What do you mean? No. No way!

- You humiliated me!
- SETH: I'm sorry!

- You used my leg as a tampon!
- I'm calling the cops.

Evan! Come on! Move!

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.

Yeah. Fifth and Paysview.
Hurry.

Mark, I called the cops.
You should hide your gun.

SLATER: You're a fucking pussy.

FOGELL: Don't listen to him, officer.

SLATER: If you make this,
we're no longer friends, Michaels.

FOGELL: Shh. Cheating.

- You're a fucking pussy.
- You're cheating.

- Fuck me.
- Oh, suck on my nuts, Slater!

SLATER: All right,
you... That was a lucky shot.

- That was a lucky shot.
- I rule.

I got jizzed on.
All right.

- Can I shoot one?
- Yeah, go nuts. Go nuts.

Have a good time, man.

Empty the clip.
Empty the clip on it, man.

(SIREN WAILING)

Shit!
The cops!

Bail! Bail! Bail!
Shotgun, shotgun! Damn it!

Shotgun.

(SCREAMING)

- What a rush.
- What do you guys wanna do?

- Man, let's get drunk!
- Let's get more fucked up!

SLATER: You're fucking
living the dream, Michaels!

MICHAELS: Oh, man.

This is gonna be
the best night ever.

WOMAN (ON RADIO):
Got a 257 at Fifth and Paysview.

AW, Shit.

All units in the area report
to Fifth and Paysview.

- Car 98, that's you. Do it.
- Fuck.

- Shit.
- Shit.

Car 98 on it.
You dumb fucking whore.

Hey, did she say we're gonna get
to shoot somebody or something?

SLATER: Oh, God, I Wish.

It's probably some lame house party.
We'll drop you off after. Cool?

Yeah, man. Let's show
these fuckers how we roll!

(LAUGHING)

- You fucking prick.
- What?

- You bailed on me.
- I didn't bail on you.

Yeah, you did.

You said you were gonna do
something and you didn't do it.

That's bailing.

You're the one that dragged me to that
fucking party with those lunatics.

- I didn't bail on you.
- You bailed on me, okay?

You bailed on me this morning
when Jesse spat on me,

and you're bailing on me next year.

What the fuck? It finally comes out.
That's good, man.

We were supposed to go
to college together, Evan.

Since we were little kids,
since elementary school,

that's all we've ever talked about,
was us going to college together.

And you got into fucking Dartmouth.

You're making me feel
like I'm a bad guy.

What...? I didn't do anything wrong.
I got into a good school.

How the fuck am I supposed to get
into Dartmouth? You knew I couldn't.

How fucking selfish are you?

You had no problem letting
Fogell take the fall back there.

You obviously don't want me
going to a good school.

- Fuck, man!
- So what the fuck do you want?

I'm not gonna let you slow
me down anymore, Seth.

What are you saying?

I've wasted the last three years of my life
sitting around talking bullshit with you.

Instead of chasing girls
and making friends,

I've just sat around wasting
all my time with you.

And now because of you I'm going to
college a fucking friendless virgin.

Is this about Becca?
This is about some girl, man?

- I like her!
- Who gives a fuck?

She's some fucking girl!
You gonna go out with her for two years?

- What about after that?
- Fuck you, you're a piece of shit.

Fuck you! And next time you're
pissed off about something,

don't keep it inside for 10
years, say it like a fucking man!

- Don't touch me.
- Fuck you!

(THE GUESS WHO'S "THESE EYES"
PLAYING ON RADIO)

SLATER: Hey, McLovin, are the
numbers on your side odd or even?

- I don't know. It's too dark to see.
- We got flashlights.

Oh, that's true.

Bing.

Where the fuck are we?

- Hey, Slater.
- What's that?

(IMITATES ELECTRONIC HUMMING)

Slater.

(BOTH IMITATING ELECTRONIC HUMMING)

(LAUGHING)

Now, young Michaels, you will die.

All right. Come on, stop it.
I can't fucking see.

You can't see?
No, I can't see. Fuck it.

- How do you like it?
- Hey, fuck off, that hurts.

- You stop first.
- Not until you stop.

- Stop it, asshole.
- Hey, you stop.

- SETH: Fuck you, Evan!
- Don't fucking touch me.

(SCREAMING)

Why did you do that?

- You shined a light in my face.
- You shined a light in my face.

- I'm driving.
- We were playing Lightsabers.

- Excuse me.
- FOGELL: Oh, my God.

Are you guys gonna
make sure he's okay?

- Go out there and check on him.
- MICHAELS: You Check.

- You go out there and check on him.
- Fuck that. You go.

Balls. Okay, we'll both go
out there and check on him.

I can't believe this is happening again.
What are the odds?

SETH: Fuck.

- Is everyone okay?
- Yeah, we're great, thanks.

Hey, hey, where's the love?

- He's okay. He's fine.
- Stand right next to your friend.

- Get over there.
- I got them.

You got these guys?

You boys doing
a bit of drinking tonight?

- No, officer. Not at all. Not... We...
- We found those.

SLATER: I don't believe you.

Freeze. Stand right there.

- We're telling the truth.
- SLATER: Yeah. Keep it going.

- Don't be a hero tonight, guys.
- MICHAELS: Wrong night for that.

This is your fault.
You gotta fucking take care of this.

No. Look, I am not fixing your
mistakes again, okay? Fuck that shit.

I don't wanna get shitcanned.
I happen to like this job.

I like this job too. I get free haircuts.
I'm not taking the fall.

Okay, okay!

We're gonna arrest
these two little dipshits, okay?

And we're gonna pin it on them.

Yeah, do what you have to do.

Spread your shit!

Get on the ground!
Loaded gun, ready to go!

Spread your shit!
Pussies on the pavement, fellas.

- Come on!
- Please don't shoot, sir.

"Please don't shoot."
Shut up and spread your shit!

I am the law! Okay?

Now hold hands.

- What?
- Why?

Because you don't want an asshole where
your face used to be, Whaling Jennings.

- Hold his fucking hand!
- Fucking hold my hand.

SLATER: There.
That's not so hard, is it?

MICHAELS: Here, McLovin,
have a Cigarette.

Smoke up.
Life's short, you know.

Suck it in, my friend.

Suck it long and deep.

Enjoy it.

McLovin, McLovin, McLovin.

- You like Officer Slater and myself?
- Yeah, you guys are awesome.

Thanks. We really
like you too, McLovin.

So here's what's about to happen.

We're gonna arrest these two guys,

you're gonna write a witness report saying
they leapt out in front of our car like madmen

and there was nothing we could do
to avoid hitting them. Sound cool?

- Yeah, that's fine.
- MICHAELS: Good.

SLATER: That's good.
Pretend he's your little sister.

Your little sister with the...

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

What the fuck?

♪♪♪

Page"?

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

MICHAELS: Shit!
SLATER: Shit!

♪♪♪

SETH: Run! Run!

FOGELL: Wait.

Hold on, I gotta get all the booze.
Seth, wait up!

McLovin bailed!

Chase the kid!

Stop!

Ah!

(MAN GROANING)

(SCREAMS)

(PANTING)

That was a fast kid.

MAN: I want a ride! You hear me?
You can't unarrest me!

Stop!

- SLATER: McLovin!
- Come on.

McLovin!

McLovin! Why?

McLovin, come back!

GIRL 1: Ow! My hand! Monster!
Nicole! Nicole, get Daddy.

GIRL 2: Get Daddy.
GIRL 1: Get Daddy!

- FOGELL: Oh, Shit.
- Get away from my kids!

You sick sons of bitches!

(GRUNTS)

SETH: Ow! What the fuck?

(GROANS)

SLATER: Michaels, are you okay?

- It's just beer.
- SLATER: Oh, give me a break.

- It's just beer.
- Man up.

What happened?
What, did you lose him?

He's a freak.
He's the fastest kid alive.

- This is not good.
- He's the fastest kid alive.

Fastest kid alive, my ass.
Come on. What are we gonna do?

I'll shoot my gun in the air.

(GUNSHOT)

Give me a fucking warning
before you do it.

MICHAELS: I'll scare him
out of wherever he's hiding.

This isn't gonna do shit.

Shh. Shh.
Get in the car. Get in the car.

This is your fault, you piece of...

(GUNSHOT)

Oh, fuck. Oh, fuck.
They shot Seth.

They fucking shot Seth, I know it.

Holy shit.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING)

Holy shit.
Ah!

- Should I run?
- Yes.

FOGELL: Fuck. Stop!
SETH: Stop the bus!

FOGELL: Stop it!
EVAN: It's stopping.

- It's stopping.
- FOGELL: Oh, thank God.

Hey, Evan, pay for me, please.

EVAN: That's me and him.

Hey, hey. It's you.

McMuffin.

- You know this guy?
- It's...

Ain't got no cop people to help
you keep your booze now, do you?

Hey! Back the fuck up, man,
or I'll beat the shit out of you.

- Give me the booze.
- SETH: Hey! Back the fuck up.

Back the fuck up. Back the fuck up.

EVAN: Please, please,
calm down, sir.

Goldslick.

DRIVER: Get off the bus
or I'm calling the cops.

Eat shit, bum.

Oh, shit, guys.
We're three blocks away, man. We made it.

We made it with the
booze and everything.

We made it.

Hold this.

I can't believe
you still have the liquor.

That's awesome.

FOGELL: Yeah, I told you the idea
would work. I fooled those cops.

I'm McLovin. Whoo!
I am McLovin.

Why do you guys have detergent?

I don't understand why you were
smoking cigarettes with those cops.

Because I fucking rule.

- We are so gonna get laid tonight.
- SETH: I am. I'm gonna get laid.

FOGELL: We're finally gonna get
our drinks on. Chica, chica, yeah.

EVAN: I can't believe
Becca's bottle broke.

- I'm sure it'll be fine.
- Yeah.

SETH: I thought you didn't need it anyway.
You were gonna tell her how you feel.

Good luck getting Jules drunk
enough to have sex with you.

- What's wrong with you guys?
- Nothing.

You two femmes can talk about it next
year at your little slumber party.

Oh, you told him.

- Told me what?
- Yeah. You're an idiot, Fogell.

- Well, we gotta tell him now.
- No, we...

Well, he knows something's up.

What are you guys talking about?
Tell me now.

Seth, me and Evan are rooming
together next year at college.

What's the big deal?

"Oh, my God,
Fogell's rooming with Evan."

Jeez, why don't you
go cry about it?

- I didn't tell you because...
- SETH: Because you're a backstabber

and you lied to your best friend and only want to
hang out with Fogell and you just don't care anymore?

I didn't expect this
from you, Evan.

Not from you.

Give me that booze, Fagell.

We never should have had
to hide our arrangement.

(MUSIC PLAYING ON STEREO)

- Seth's here.
- Seth, you're here.

Hi. Everybody, Seth has got it.

(CHEERING)

- GABY: Evan.
- Gaby, hey.

Where have you been?
You almost blew it.

- What are you talking about?
- Becca. She's been waiting for you.

She's over there.

She's way smashed.

And she's been yammering
about you all night.

Really? What was she saying?

She told you that she thinks
I'm a good guy?

No, no. She said
something more like:

"I willfully blow him tonight."

- What?
- I know.

- Yeah.
- EVAN: But she's totally hammered,

and if I get with her and I'm not
drunk, isn't that unethical?

Oh. Not if you're drunk too.

I guess not.

To Seth.

- ALL: To Seth!
- All right.

Who the fuck is Seth?

I'm Seth!

(CHEERING)

Let's do another one to me.

Oh, boy.

Calm down.
Calm down, man.

Calm down.
She likes you.

She wants to suck on your penis.

It's a good thing.

It's the best thing.

Just down the hatch.

Fogell. What's up?

(SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY)

(GROANS)

(WOMEN LAUGHING)

Evan, hey. Evie, come here.

Can you please help me up?

I fell down and none of these
assholes will help me up.

- Shit.
- Becca.

I have been waiting for you
for, like, ever.

- What took you so long?
- I know, it...

- No, I can't even...
- Do you have my Goldslick?

It's such a crazy stow, okay?

- I swear I was try...
- It doesn't even matter.

Look. Look what we...
We can just drink this.

- Here. You could have a drink.
- Oh, no.

- I'm already pretty wasted.
- Take a drink.

Okay, here's to you.
This is to Becca.

To Becca.

- To the respecting...
- Guys.

...Women. To people
respecting women.

Okay. Yeah.

You're a lightweight.

Hey.

You and me,
we should go upstairs, because...

Because I need to
tell you something. Okay?

You could just tell me
here, I mean...

I can't tell you, because
it's a secret for you from me.

- All right.
- So come. Come on. Okay.

- Bye, guys.
- Bye.

- Bye-bye.
- Bye.

You changed your name
to McLovin? Wow.

- That's so cool.
- Thanks.

Hm?
So, like, what's Hawaii like?

JULES: All right. I am back.

I had to thank the peeps
for coming out, you know.

Jules. I want you
to have a drink with me.

Just drink some of this.
You're gonna love it.

You're to...
I know you're gonna love it.

You know, I...
It's green beer. For your information.

You know, I'm actually good
right now. But thank you.

And thank you very much for
bringing everything, again.

Seriously, it really
made the night.

No, that's how I roll.
That's the thing.

It's no problems.
You'll learn that.

I love talking
and conversing with you.

But I can't hear you, though,
because the music is so loud.

So do you wanna go outside
and talk more?

Um...

Yeah. Sorry, sure.
You know, why not?

Let's do it.
I haven't conversed in ages.

- Okay. Ladies... Ladies first.
- Okay.

- Thank you very much.
- No problem.

- Watch your step. I fell earlier today.
- JULES: Are you serious?

SETH: Well, I was hit by a car.
It's a long story.

- BECCA: Oh, shit. Careful.
- Okay, well...

So loud. Don't let
the parents hear.

You look so pretty.

- Are you okay?
- I so flirt with you in math.

Tell me about it. I... Samesies.

I've wanted to tell you for so
long that you're the best girl.

I know. I've wanted to get with
you, like, so hard.

Like so hard.

You're the best.

We'll take this sweater off.
I think so.

Just be careful, because it's a
meaningful sweater to me. It's vintage.

Okay.

- Bought it at that vintage market.
- Just hurry.

- And this one.
- It's off.

Hey, wait, careful.

- Oh, shit.
- Oh, my.

Put that there.

- Now, looky, looky...
- Oh, my gosh.

What I got for you under here.

You are the prettiest girl

this side of the Mississippi.
I have a little something

for you under here.

You look so pretty.

- Look so pretty.
- Under there.

Hello.

For you.

(HUMMING)

You're the best. You're so unique.

Come here.

Evan, kiss me.

I like you so much.

Come on, McLovin.

I've never been
with an older guy before.

Well, it's way better.

I know, we made some
kick-ass tiramisu earlier.

It was deli... It looked weird.
But it was delicious.

Whoa.

What...? What's wrong?

I... I would prefer
if we would just do that

at some other time.

No. There is no other time.
School is up.

- What's wrong with right now?
- Well, I mean, you're... You're drunk.

- You're, like, really, really drunk.
- So? You're drunk. You're drunk, Jules.

Yeah, I'm actually...
I'm not drunk at all.

I don't even drink, so it's...
I mean...

Jules, you drink. You drink.

Everybody... You... You had me
get liquor, so you drink.

It's like...

Well, yeah, because
I'm throwing a party, remember?

Other people drink and so I just...

You...?

You don't wanna, you know?

Not, uh, right now.

You know, not while you're drunk.

But, you know, thank you.

- Evan. Evan, I'm so wet.
- Oh, yeah.

They said that would happen in
health, when I learned about it.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- They taught me about... Oh!
- Who's down there?

Yeah, it's your hand.

Ah-ha-ha.

- Thank you, that's good.
- You have such a smooth cock.

Thank you.
You would too if you were a man.

But you got such a smooth chest.

I am gonna give you

the best blow-J ever

with my mouth.

Why don't we...?
Why don't we just kiss a while?

Why don't we keep kissing for a
bit, instead of...?

How badly do you wanna fuck me?

Jesus Christ.

Jesus, fuck.

- Hang on, one second.
- What?

Becca, I don't think
you wanna do this.

- You're really drunk.
- No, I'm not. I am not drunk.

- I see that you are. I think you are.
- And I really... I want you inside me.

I want you to be my first.
I want you inside me.

So just... Just go with it.

- Let it happen.
- I know, but...

Becca, this is kind of intense.

And I just... I'm so drunk.
I can't even, like, process this.

And, um, you're really pretty.

And I just think
this isn't how I pictured it.

I don't understand why you have to
be such a little bitch about it.

- Did you just call me a bitch?
- Yes, a scared...

See, I, like, I think
we're not thinking clear...

Holy shit. Oh, my God.

- Go get Gaby.
- I'll go get her.

Oh, God. Oh, God.
Go get Gaby, please.

- I got a boner.
- Good.

- Do you have a condom?
- Yes.

And lube.

Seth?

Are...? Are you crying?

No, I just have something
in both my eyes.

I don't cry. That's funny.

You look... You look...
It looks like you're owing.

So...

It was my last chance
and I fucked it up, and...

Your last chance to do what?

To make you my girlfriend
for the summer.

You're, like, the coolest
person that's ever talked to me.

I thought we'd both be drunk.

What does me being drunk
have anything to do with it?

You'd never get with me
if you were sober.

Look at you.

- Look at me.
- Seth, come on, you didn't blow it.

I think maybe...

What the fuck?!

OW!
Help me.

Shirley.

I'm sorry.

MICHAELS: Someone forgot
to call pest control.

SLATER: Yep.

MICHAELS: Where you going?
Hey, party's still on.

- Where are you going?
- Oh, no.

MICHAELS: If you're back there, get out.
Everyone, come on.

SLATER: We will shoot you.
MICHAELS: Party's over.

- Evan.
- MICHAELS: Get the hell out of here.

Keep your hands up.

Life's bullshit, Miroki.

Ev, wake the fuck up, man.

We gotta 90.
Those fucking cops are here, man.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

"Oh, no, it's the cops."
We have a complaint.

SETH: Evan, come on.

MICHAELS: Get the hell
out of here right now.

Get out of here, pal.
She's not interested.

MICHAELS: Drop the crantini
and move it, sister.

See you, sugar tits.
Guys, come on, move.

MICHAELS: Everybody out.
Leave the booze and go.

What the fuck, man?

What the fuck, Seth?

He's my best friend. Oh, shit.

Oh, shit. Come on.

I assume you all have guns
and crack.

♪♪♪

Oh, my God, come on. Don't stop.

MICHAELS: Okay, everyone,

prepare to be fucked
by the long dick of the law.

Get out.

Come on, go.

Fuck off, Seth.

MAN: Get a room.

SETH: I'm gonna save you.
I'm gonna save you, Evan.

Fuck.

Fuck. Fuck, man, so heavy.

(THE COUP'S "PORK AND BEEF"
PLAYING ON STEREO)

It's in. Oh, my God, it's in.

All right, everybody out.
Come on, let's go.

McLovin! What the fuck?

- Officer Slater, is that you?
- You ran away from us.

Why did you run away?
Michaels, get up here.

- No. I didn't run away.
- What the fuck?

Why would you do that?

- I was disoriented from...
- Were you violating that girl?

You just violated her with your penis?
Michaels, look.

- McLovin?
- No, no, no.

Whoa.
No.

Holy shit. Were you
just getting laid?

No. Yeah, I was, but...

- Yes, yes, he was.
- FOGELL: It's not what you think, guys.

- I'm not even...
- Sit the fuck down. Stay down.

- Calm down.
- I thought we were friends,

and then you go running away.

MICHAELS: Contain yourself.

SLATER: We're friends.
MICHAELS: Shut up.

- Calm down. Calm down, man.
- Why? What?

You just cock-blocked
McLovin. Okay?

He's our friend.
We don't do that.

We should be guiding
his cock, not blocking it.

Just relax, okay?
Let's make this right.

Wait, what are you...?
What are you guys doing?

No, please, I can't... I can't go to jail.
Please, I can't go to jail.

No, look. We're really
sorry, McLovin.

This has... This has gone on...
This has gone way too far.

What? What are you talking about?

We know you're not 25, man.
We're not idiots, McLovin.

- Yeah.
- Did you know the whole time?

Look, when we were your
age, we hated cops.

When we saw you in the liquor
store today, we just...

I guess we saw a bit of
ourselves, you know,

and we just wanted
to show you that,

you know, cops can have
a fun time too, you know?

Yeah.

You know, in a way,
I think we wanted to show ourselves.

Also, I'm...

I'm really sorry that
I blocked your cock.

- Apology accepted.
- Seriously, man.

MICHAELS: That feels good.

- It feels so good.
- I missed you guys.

I just wish we could make
it up to you somehow, man.

Well, do you think you can
do me a really big favor?

- What is it? Anything.
- Name it.

SLATER: This kid's fucking crazy.

MICHAELS: Stay back
for your own safety.

Get off me, you fucking cops.
Get your hands off me.

Do you know who I am?
I'm Fogell.

- The joint can't hold me.
- Holy shit, Fogell's a badass.

I'm gonna break your glasses,
you fucking cop. You can't hold me.

JESSE: Fucking pigs.

CROWD: Oh!

Oh, shit.

(GRUNTS)

SLATER: Nice mullet, asshole.

- You crazy.
- This kid's crazy.

He's nuts.
Well, we caught the infamous Fogell.

FOGELL: Get your hands...
Wait for me, Nicola.

Wait for me on the outside.

We were gonna go to Hawaii.

Man, that's gonna
get you so much ass.

Seriously?

- I know what to do about the car.
- Sweet.

SETH: Fucking go. Fucking throw up.

Are you carrying me?

No, I'm saving you from the cops.

You saved me?

Well, I don't know what you're
talking about, but thanks.

Can I...?
Should I just walk?

- Should I walk?
- Yeah, sure.

- Okay.
- Where do you wanna go?

Sleepover at my house?
You wanna come sleep...?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Does your mom still
have pizza bagels?

Yeah. Lots.

Pizza bagels.

(SIREN WAILING)

So by signing this,
you are officially saying

that as we stopped you
from being mugged,

a crackhead stole our cruiser
and did God knows what with it.

You cool to sign that?
Of course. I owe you guys my life.

We owe you, MC-Wait,
what's your real name again?

- FOGELL: Fogell.
- Fuck that.

- We're calling you McLovin.
- McLovin.

Let's do this dance, boys.

(VAN HALEN'S "PANAMA" PLAYS)

(SCREAMING)

FOGELL: Oh, my God.

MICHAELS: What did I tell
you guys, right?

FOGELL: That was crazy.

(SINGING "PANAMA")

All right.

All right, now, guys,
check this out.

It's probably the greatest move
in doughnut-spinning history.

You paying attention?

Behold, the upward-spiraling pigtail.

- MICHAELS: Why is it called that?
- I don't know!

Make the badge proud, Slater.

He's not usually this drunk
when he does this,

but I think
that could make it more cool.

McLovin!

(SCREAMING)

Oh, no.

Fuck.

(SCREAMING)

- Slater!
- FOGELL: Officer Slater.

All right. Fucking crazy.

Let's do this.

Hurry, hurry, hurry.
Let's go. Go, go.

FOGELL: I'm going,
I'm going, I'm going.

- I'm out, I'm out.
- Good, here we go, here we go.

Yeah? Yeah, okay. Back up.

Don't blow yourself up, asshole.

SLATER: Oh!

(ALL LAUGHING)

Yes. Oh, my God.

It worked. It worked.

We won. We won.

Can we shoot at it?

I don't know. Can you?

Break yourself, fool.

(YELLS)

Tight.

EVAN: Listen, and then she said
she was gonna give me a blow-J.

SETH: I can't believe
she said that to you.

Man, you have no idea.

- What was she thinking?
- You don't even know.

I gotta tell you.
I gotta tell you something, Evan.

What?

I was in your room, like,
three weeks ago

while you were taking a shit.

And I saw your housing,
like, forms.

So I knew you and Fogell were
gonna live together, you know.

I'm sorry, man, I don't know.

I should've told you.
I don't know why I didn't.

Don't... No, don't be sorry.
I should be sorry.

I was being a dick.
I was being a big dick to you.

No, I...

Listen, Seth, I want you to know,
I don't wanna live with Fogell.

I never wanted to live with him.
I just don't... I ha...

I'm afraid to live with strangers.

I can't.

I can't do it.

I know, I know.

I can't believe you saved me.

You saved me.

I can't believe.
I owe you so...

You carried me. I love you.

I love you, man.

I love you.

I love you. I'm not even
embarrassed to say it. I just...

I Io... I love you.

- I'm not embarrassed.
- I love you.

I love you.

Why don't we say that every day?
Why can't we say it more often?

I just love you. I just wanna
go to the rooftops and scream:

"I love my best friend, Evan."

- We should go up on my roof.
- For sure.

Like, when you went away for Easter,
on your vacation, I missed you.

- I missed you too.
- I want the world to know.

It's... It's the most beautiful
thing in the world.

Boop. Boop, boop.

Come here. Come here, man.

- I love you.
- I love you.

What the fuck?

- What up?
- Morning. Morning.

I should get moving.
I should get moving.

I should be getting
a move on, for sure.

Yeah, you don't... I mean,
you don't have to, you know.

I don't really have
anything going on.

You don't have to
rush off like that.

You wanna hang out?

I was gonna go to the mall.

I have to get a new comforter.

For college. The mall,
they would sell that.

Cool. So, uh,

your mom's got huge tits.

What do you think?

I don't know, man.
Don't ask me.

Because I don't give a shit
how pants look.

Yeah, I need someone's opinion.

Those are too tight.
Those are way too tight.

- Yeah, but, like...
- Way too tight. You need to upgrade.

There's not enough pants where
there should be more pant in there.

Yeah, but... I mean,
does it look weird?

Looks like you're standing funny. You
wouldn't be standing like that. Like a duck.

Yeah, but I'm doing like...

- I'm doing a college poses, it's like...
- I don't know if you are.

- You might just be doing...
- Hey, prof.

- Okay.
- That test was... Whoo!

Hey, Susan. Are you gonna
party tonight or no?

Yeah, but that's just... It's like I
wish there were more pants where...

You know, where there aren't.

But when I was wearing
your dad's pants last night,

I realized that if I wear pants
that are a little too small,

it might encourage me
to lose a little weight.

And also, chicks can
kind of see, like,

you know, the borders and
outline of my dick a little.

Yeah, man, they go nuts for that.
The male camel toe.

Yeah, the camel tail.
It's right...

I know where it is,
where it happens.

Like, right there.

It's like they're so tight that one
ball is, like, above my dick, even.

- Yeah, exactly.
- It's like three.

It's like a three thing.
It's like ball, dick, ball.

It's like a division sign.

Like a bunch of people
crammed into a van.

Like, does my ass look weird?

It makes a lot of stuff look weird.

No, those are way too tight.

You're right, these look stupid.
Let's get the fuck out of here.

I'm really sorry about that.
I can't believe I actually did that.

I feel bad that I'm making you
buy me a new one.

It's seems, like, ridiculous.

- No. I have to, it's puke. It's gross.
- Oh, my God.

Do alcoholics get hangovers?

Holy shit, holy shit,
holy shit. It's them.

- What the fuck do we do, man?
- Don't stop. I don't know.

- Hey.
- Hey.

How's it going?

It's so good to...
How are you feeling?

I've felt better. But I'll be fine.
How about you?

I'm okay, you know, yeah.
Did you have fun last night?

Uh...

You know, I actually
don't remember much.

I don't remember anything.

- So weird.
- Nothing.

Um, I didn't puke on you, did I?

You didn't. I remember
that you... I avoided it.

It whizzed right by me, and I said,
"Stay away from me," you know.

I'm really sorry about everything
last night, and I just...

Thank you for being
such a nice guy about it all.

That's okay, you know.

At least you don't have
a black eye from it.

- That looks terrible.
- Yeah.

You look great. You don't look terrible.
It's just, like, a bad bruise.

Everything's great, just from he...
This, just like right there.

- Your eye.
- Yeah, your eye.

Everything else is great.

But seriously, I acted like
a fucking idiot last night.

You don't deserve that.
So I'm sorry.

On the upside,
I think you look cool with a black eye.

I'm just gonna throw that out there.
I don't... I don't know.

Well, thank you, smart guy. Thanks.
That's actually, uh, why I'm here.

Because I have to get a ton of
cover-up for the grad photo.

Oh, man. Fuck.

And I'm gonna get Jules
a new comforter.

I have to get a comforter too.
For college.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah, I just figured I would need one.

So, Seth...

So do you wanna come buy
me cover-up or something?

I mean, you kind of owe me.

Yeah, definitely.
I would love to do that.

I had such bad acne last year

that I pretty much became,
like, an expert on the stuff.

Well, you drove.
Evan drove me here, though, so...

Well, 30... Well, I mean,
I have my dad's car.

So I could just give you a lift,

and then Evan
could take Becca home.

If that works.
I don't know if it's in your route.

It'd be fine with me.

Fine, yeah.
Maybe we can get some food.

Yeah, I'd like that.

So I guess I'll call you, then.

Yeah, give me a call.
Yeah, you have my number.

I have your information.
So put her there.

Perfect. Good.
All right, man.

- Okay.
- Okay, guys.

- Becca.
- Bye, guys.

- Bye, have fun.
- See you, Jules.

EVAN: Yeah, that's funny.
Too funny.

BECCA: Where do you
wanna go to eat?

(MOUTHING)
I'm gonna fuck her.

JULES: So can you honestly help me
figure out what kind of cover-up to get?

(CURTIS MAYFIELD'S
"P.S. I LOVE YOU" PLAYS)

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

♪♪♪

SETH (WHISPERING): I love you.