Original subtitles

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

This place looks so fucking good.

Yeah, who cares if the frats won't let us in?

We'll just throw our own party. Yeah!

And now, we don't have to wait in some long lines

freezing our asses off,

hoping some power-hungry douchebags let us in.

Yes, Bela. Go off.

Now, we get to be the power-hungry douchebags.

Can't wait to reject people. Oh.

Oh, my God. This looks amazing.

Yeah, you guys killed this. We brought more booze.

- Oh! - I got high-end for the VIPs.

Seniors, populars, attractives.

And bargain bin for the gen pop.

Ugs, randos, people less cool than us.

Yeah.

This is gonna be amazing.

Okay, so now, all we have to do

is just sit back and let the people come.

I can't believe no one came.

Honestly, I'm having fun.

Should I put a podcast on?

I just head a great one about

the etymology of the word etymology.

Someone's here.

Quick, someone start the music.

- Yeah. - Dance, dance!

Come in!

Oh, it's Frude.

- Are you here for the party? - Sadly, no.

Girls, I know you attempted to throw a social event

this evening and it is clear no one came.

There's still time.

Mm, it is 1:30 in the morning

and a good party would be peaking right now.

Damn, Frude.

But just because you don't have friends

doesn't mean your life doesn't have value.

- Thanks? - Mm?

I would normally confiscate your alcohol,

but this situation is so sad, you can keep it.

And hey,

make as much noise as you like.

No one else is home.

Bye, Frude.

Guys, Frude just pitied us.

Oh, my God.

We need to fix things with the frats.

♪ Burning me up, burning me up ♪

♪ Burning me down ♪

♪ Turning me up, turning me up ♪

♪ Turning me out ♪

Good luck asking your mom about the loan.

Okay.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, Mom.

I love your new earrings. Thank you.

Someone left them in the Walgreens bathroom.

Finders keepers, right?

So look, there's something I need to talk to you about.

Oh, my gosh. There's something I need

to talk to you about and I just can't

keep it from you any longer.

What's going on?

Well, Biscuit almost died.

What? Whoa, what happened?

Well, he needed a new colon, didn't you?

Oh, my God, Biscuit. Is he okay?

Oh, yeah, he's fine. He got into your dad's

Metamucil and it just blew him right out.

Aren't surgeries like that expensive?

Oh, your dad and I will be paying it off till we're dead,

but we know how much Biscuit means to you,

so totally worth it.

Yeah, he's a great dog.

I mean, he's almost 12 though, so...

It's fine. No, dad took some extra shifts

on the weekend and I've decided

to sell leggings on Etsy.

But, sweetie, what did you want to tell me?

It's nothing. Don't worry about it.

You sure?

Okay, well, I'm gonna send the leggings to all of you,

but which one do you think Bela would like?

The surfing turtles or the cupcakes?

They're both so fun!

Damn.

That was, like, great.

How'd you get so good at sex?

One summer in high school,

I met this older woman who showed me the ways of love.

Shut up. Really?

No. I just watch a lot of porn.

Oh. Cool.

Wait, seriously, you're on a dating app already?

What do you mean?

I mean, I was inside you 30 seconds ago.

I thought we talked about this already.

Aren't we both allowed to hook up with other people?

Yeah, I just assumed

we'd kind of tactfully look for those hookups.

Like, not while we're lying naked together.

Hey, what are you up to? Want to hang out tonight?

You've come over, like, three nights in a row.

I just love spending time with you.

Oh, this is 'cause

you and your roommates are banned from parties.

Yes. It's horrible.

I had to do homework last night.

I don't know what to do with myself.

Look, guys love flattery

and I hesitate to tell you this

'cause you are pathologically overconfident,

but you're cute.

Thank you. I know.

So just beg them to let you back in.

Smart, like how I begged you

to keep your glasses on during sex.

I need to take them off when I go down on you.

They get foggy. I can't see what I'm doing.

I have got to get at least a B on this Spanish final

or my mom's gonna go no bueno on my ass.

See? This is why I take easy classes.

Next trimester, I'm taking a class

that's just called Textures.

Mm.

Hmm.

Sweet mother of Kristen Stewart,

that is a smoking hot woman. Mm!

Do you know who that girl is?

I know exactly who she is.

She's hot, she works as Sips,

and she just touched your man's arm.

I will be right back.

It's crazy how you can make that happen.

You are catching on fast.

Maybe you should be training me.

Oh, Whit, this is our new coworker, Zoe.

- Hi. - Hi. I'm Whitney.

I live with Kimberly.

Kimberly, yes. Oh, my God, I love her.

She reminds me of my grandmother.

Zoe just fixed our register system

so that it's all automated to the iPad.

Oh.

Mostly so I could make the minimum tip option 30%.

She's like some mad coder genius.

How cool is that? That's cool.

Oh, she also jailbroke my iPhone.

It's like damn, Zoe.

Leave something for the rest of us to be good at.

Right?

♪ Never seem to mind ♪

♪ Shine like a diamond always ♪

I'm so glad you DM'd me.

♪ And nobody knows ♪

♪ I just want some real shit ♪

By the time I leave here,

you'll be glad I did a lot of things.

♪ I guess I should walk away ♪

♪ Baby girl, you're drippin' ♪

♪ Thought you had a vision ♪

♪ I think I'll be okay ♪

- That was fun. - Yeah.

Yeah? Okay.

Leighton, why are you all messy and happy-looking?

Wait, did you just hook up?

With her?

I did.

Oh. I'm Leighton's roommate.

I've seen her change and you are one lucky lady.

Okay. All right. Well, I'm gonna see you later.

Okay.

Later. Bye.

Bye.

Okay. That was a lot even for me.

Right?

Oh, actually, I'm so glad I ran into you.

I'm on my way to talk to the Theta guys at the gym.

I have a plan to get us back on their good side.

It's genius and it cannot fail.

- Did you come up with it? - I did.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go with you. - Okay.

♪ Always felt like I could walk through fire ♪

So did you tell your mom about your scholarship?

- It's not gonna happen. - Oh.

But I'll figure it out.

I just signed up for 23andMe

to see if I have any rich relatives

I don't know about yet.

Oh, I love that site.

It told me J Lo was a distant great-aunt.

Can you see it?

- Mm-hmm. - Me too.

- Kimberly. - Professor Hennessey.

It's so good to see you. What can I get you?

- I came to see you, actually. - Oh.

I wanted to ask if you could come

to a small dinner party at my home tomorrow.

- Like, to cater it. - No, as a guest.

Mm.

I'm inviting a group of students

who I think would enjoy a spirited exchange of ideas.

I love spirited exchanges.

What can I bring? Like, dessert?

Or a clipping from a feminist magazine?

No. Just you. Arif will be there as well.

- Hi. - Hi.

He's a student from Syria

staying in our guest room until he finishes his studies.

So you like helping students in need.

- Of course. - Even the white ones?

I would love to come.

Great. It'll be fun.

- See you tomorrow. - Bye.

- Bye. - Oh, and bring a friend.

Okay, we're going to that dinner.

You're gonna get that lady to cosign your loan for you.

What? No. She's my professor.

Okay, yeah, but if she can financially aid

that Syrian snack, maybe she can help you too.

She does love me.

Absolutely. This will work.

Now, let me see if hot-rif and I have any mutuals in common,

and oh, my God. We both follow Malala.

I can work with that.

♪ We are wild and wonderful ♪

- Go, go, go, go! - I got it!

Got it, got it!

Yeah, nice, nice!

What are you two doing here?

Yeah, what part of us actively hating you

did you not understand?

Look, I hear you.

On behalf of all our roommates, we are here to apologize.

What we did was wrong

and we are stupid fucking bitches.

Hmm.

You and your brother should've been allowed to cheat

as much as you want and use those grades to get into

grad schools you could've never gotten into otherwise.

Okay, what the hell?

You're making us sound even worse.

Yeah, you kind of are.

That apology sucked and your hand was clammy.

Well, you got to forgive us. This is killing me.

Without an active social life, I'm having regular,

monogamous sex with someone

I only intended to be a casual hookup.

It's hell.

Yeah, this isn't compelling

and we've got bigger things to worry about.

Theta might lose their charter

because of the stunt you pulled.

Look, if you want to get Theta out of trouble,

prove to the administration that you're good guys.

You know, throw a fundraiser for something Essex cares about

like climate change or something.

How? We can't throw parties in the house anymore.

They won't even let my book club meet.

I guess I'll just read "The Secret History"

and talk about it with no one.

Well, why don't you let us figure out where to throw it?

Yeah, and if this works, and I'm not sure it will

because I have no experience doing this,

you let us back into parties.

Okay, but I don't get why anyone

would go to a Theta fundraiser.

It's a good point.

Damn, I am so money!

♪ Shake that thing ♪

Do you know what "Magic Mike Live" is?

- A strip show? - It's not a strip show.

It's a sex-positive, female-forward,

entertainment strip-tacular.

It's also a fundraiser for climate change.

Yeah, those two things don't mix.

People aren't gonna pay to watch

these Theta guys take their shirts off?

They're already never wearing shirts.

This is different. This is spectacle.

I'm talking tear away pants, body oil,

happy trails, both front and back.

There won't be a dry, pardon my French, panty in the house.

I can't believe I'm saying this,

but I think Bela might be right.

I agree. I do think people will pay for this.

I know they will and when this works,

you all will be thanking me.

Hopefully, while holding my hair

while I puke into a frat's urinal.

Why are you fantasizing about that?

Oh, who knows where fantasies come from?

I'm gonna go work on a playlist of songs

that's good to hump a floor to.

Text me if you have any ideas.

I'll be trying some out in my room.

Hey, so I met your new coworker.

Zoe?

She is so smart and so funny.

She saw how much apple juice I drank

and she started calling it my usual.

Like, that's your usual. That's good.

So everyone likes her.

Like, Lila, your boss, Canaan.

Yeah. I mean, she's amazing.

AOC even follows her on Twitter.

I mean, is that special? AOC follows my mom too.

Yeah, but your mom's a senator.

Zoe's just a student and a former model.

It's different.

Wait. Are you... are you, like, jealous of this girl?

- No. - Oh.

No, no, I'm not jealous.

She should be jealous of how not jealous I am.

You guys should join Bela's comedy magazine thing

'cause that is hilarious.

Bela, why are there a bunch of male thongs on your bed?

Because I am jazzing up some booty shorts

for the Theta boys to dance in.

They are sexy and biodegradable.

- Oh. - Only if someone asks.

They're not actually biodegradable.

- Oh. - Oh, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck! What happened?

Oh, God. Did your mom get assassinated?

- What? No. - Oh.

No, I was on that girl Zoe's Insta

and I accidentally liked a pic. Like, a super deep one.

- How deep? - June.

- That's not bad. - Of 2014.

- Okay, that's bad. - Whitney!

This doesn't have to be weird.

What is the post?

It says, "Miss you, Gam Gam, today and every day."

Oh, fuck me.

I liked a picture of her dead grandmother.

What am I supposed to do?

Just start liking all her pics.

It'll confuse her.

No, no. That'll make it so much worse.

Can one of you help me please?

Okay, report her account for terrorism

and then maybe they'll take it down.

She's like a hot Black Mark Zuckerberg.

She's gonna figure that out.

Okay, everybody, calm down. I know what to do.

Zoe will see that notification and she will know that

it's from you because your face is on your profile pic

and Whitney's in your Insta name,

but she won't know it's you if you change those things.

So make your account private,

change your profile picture to a stock image of a burrito,

and make your account name @ChipotleAbluqeurque.

She'll think you're a random like

from a Chipotle promo account in New Mexico.

Holy shit. That is wildly brilliant.

It really is.

That's like Zoe level smart.

Could you not?

Professor Hennessey, this dinner has been so fun.

Can I help you with those dishes?

Oh, don't worry about it.

I have a dishwasher.

His name is Craig.

So I probably should say this as I haven't posted

the final trimester grades yet, but you got an A.

- I did? - Yes.

- Oh. - One of two in the class.

Professor Hennessey, can I ask you something?

Yes, of course. Anything.

- I lost my scholarship. - Mm-hmm.

And I need someone to cosign a loan for me

so I can stay here.

I hate to ask you, but my parents can't know about this

and I don't know what else to do.

All I need... Let me stop you...

- Okay. - For a second.

Yeah.

I see a lot of myself in you, Kimberly,

and I would never want to lose a student like you.

Just give me a minute to think on it, okay?

Okay.

Yes! This dining hall was born to be a strip club.

Looking good, guys.

Time to get fluffed and stuffed.

Let's make our climate daddy proud.

Okay, DJ, keep it peppy. I want 80 humps per minute.

Okay, Cody, work it.

Get that chair pregnant.

Bela, we've sold so many tickets

that my Venmo just froze. God, this is incredible!

I know. You know, I think this might be my calling.

It combines my two loves.

Sexy, greasy men and bossing people around.

Okay, I got to give you credit.

I think this fundraiser could really get our frat reinstated.

It's my pleasure and if you take any pictures

in the dressing room, my AirDrop's always on.

Excuse me? What on Earth is going on?

Dean Miller? Are you here to buy a ticket?

To a strip show?

Essex is a respected, feminist institution,

a cornerstone of Vermont herstory.

Whatever this is, it's over.

Dean Miller, if you let me explain,

this is a legitimate and tasteful event.

Okay, I didn't spend three decades marching

in support of women's rights to support that.

Yo, he's making his dick bounce!

Okay, ma'am, we at Theta, we're trying to prove

that our bodies aren't just for pleasure.

They are also for service.

I promise, if you could just stay and watch my performance

of "Thot Shit" by Megan Thee Stallion, you'll agree.

Yeah, that's not happening.

The Vermont constitution was ratified in this room.

It's not where we gyrate to "Thot Shit."

Keep her here till I get back.

Dean Miller, can I tell you a long story about

why the environment is so important to me?

♪ I wanna feel like yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I-I wanna feel like ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah I-I wanna ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Feel like that yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Hi. I'm Bela.

I live next door to you and I really need your help.

Okay.

Also, can I have some water? I ran all the way here.

How are you liking Essex, Arif?

It's very nice.

The professor and her husband have been very generous.

Arif, forget about college.

You can make a killing modeling.

Your bone structure is sick.

Aw, thanks, Lila.

You're very sick too.

- Kimberly. - Yeah.

I thought about what you asked me.

Uh-huh.

And if it means keeping a student like you at Essex,

I would be happy to cosign for you.

Seriously? Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much. Oh!

My pleasure.

All right, gang, I'm gonna call it a night for myself,

but please stay and enjoy.

Okay. Thank you.

- You having a good time? - Yeah, great.

Dinner was awesome and your wife is the best.

She's so smart and impressive. Yeah, she really is.

Although, she would kill me if I told you

stories about her from college.

Maybe after one more drink.

I love the life you two have.

Two smart, cool, academics in this cute house

with all your books and worldly knickknacks.

It's like a dream.

I can see why Elizabeth likes you so much.

We should fuck sometime.

As a climate refugee, the fact that these students

would work so hard to raise money for the environment,

it almost makes me forget the day that I lost

two close friends in a "Wizard of Oz" -style tornado.

You should be proud of the campus community

that you've created here.

Also, Theta raised $11,000 tonight.

You know, I don't care... Oh, my God, what?

$11,000? Yup.

Okay. You can do your show.

But lights out by midnight and no full nudity.

Don't worry, Dean.

All penises will remain safely stowed.

Okay.

Holy shit. That actually worked.

- Thanks, new hot friend. - Yeah, I got you.

Hey, I'm gonna go back to my room because

I'm expecting a girl in, like, five minutes,

but have fun with this.

All right, everyone. It's go time.

Line up for your good luck butt slap.

♪ Yo, the level has risen again ♪

Hello, Essex. How is everyone doing tonight?

It's about to get real heated up in this room

and it's not because of carbon emissions.

Give it up for the boys of Theta.

♪ Pop it like a wheelie ♪

♪ Hop on top and I go silly ♪

♪ Pretty, tight, and sticky ♪

♪ Fuck him once, he won't forget me ♪

♪ Wet, wet ♪

♪ Bust it like the blicky ♪

♪ If I fuck around and leak the tape, I win an Emmy ♪

Yeah?

- Come here. - You got it?

Damn. You blinked in this one

and somehow you still look fine.

- Thank you. - It's going on the main.

Oh, okay.

Wait. What's up? I can't find your profile.

Oh, yeah. Something weird must've happened.

Oh, here. Let me see. I can fix it.

No, no. It's good. I can...

- Wait. What the... - Don't...

Whit, did you rename your account

to @ChipotleAlbuquerque?

There's wraps and burritos and shit.

Why would you do that?

Okay, listen.

It's so stupid.

So I was, you know, lightly perusing

your coworker Zoe's profile and I accidentally liked

a picture of her dead grandma,

so Bela changed my profile to a Chipotle.

I understood, like, half of that sentence.

I guess I was jealous of how impressed you are with Zoe

and how smart she is.

And it made me feel... I don't know, unimpressive.

You have nothing to be jealous about.

You're a dream girl.

And I'm not even into Zoe like that.

Like... like at all.

Also, I was right behind you

at Omega Pi when you told your friend

I'm a loser who doesn't have a thing.

Well, I definitely didn't say you were a loser.

But I'm sorry for saying anything behind your back.

That was wrong. Thanks.

But do I think you have too much time on your hands?

I mean, seems like it, right? Okay, okay, sure.

Maybe I could find more constructive ways

to use my time, yes. Maybe, maybe.

But for now, I'm just gonna focus

on the dream girl part of all of this.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah. - That was cute. That was good.

As you should.

Was I nuts to dump her?

She's, like, one of the hottest girls on campus.

Sure, but given all the texts

I've gotten about you this week,

I'm pretty sure you're one of the hottest

queer girls on campus now too.

What? Really?

Uh, to be clear, you're not my type.

I'm into gingers. I'd die for Shiv Roy.

But you don't notice the way they all look at you?

Shit, they used to do that for me.

Look, sis is practically drooling.

Hmm.

♪ Blow the whistle on a bitch ♪

♪ I dismiss a bitch ♪

♪ Blow the whistle on a bitch ♪

♪ I dismiss a bitch ♪

♪ Blow the whistle on a bitch ♪

- Hey! - Hey.

This is amazing.

It somehow manages to be both erotic and thought-provoking.

Yeah, who said you can't save polar bears

and admire a dude's V muscles at the same time?

Hey, how was the dinner party?

Good, I guess.

My professor said she'd cosign my loan.

- Yes! - Oh, my God, that's so great.

Yeah, but then I was talking to her husband

and he said, "We should fuck sometime."

- What? - Huh?

Oh, that's so gross.

What did you tell him?

Oh, don't worry. I shut it down.

Okay, but what did you say exactly?

I think I said cool, but in a way

that clearly communicated that meant not cool.

Like, not cool, man. Not cool.

But did you say the not part or just the cool part?

- Just cool. - Mm.

Kimberly, cool means cool.

You told him yes. No, I didn't.

Okay, say it to me like you said it in the moment.

We should fuck sometime.

Cool.

Yeah, so you just told this man

that you want to have sex with him.

Yeah, I hear that now.

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

Uh... uh-oh. I think you're being summoned.

♪ Ah, get it ♪

I think we all are.

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

Okay, but I have to go to church twice tomorrow.

- Yeah, you do. - Okay.

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

♪ You ain't nothing but a ♪ ♪ Dog ♪

♪ Player, ah, get it ♪

♪ Fraud, player, ah, get it ♪

♪ I understand, I understand ♪ Oh, my God!

♪ You ain't the man ♪

Weirdly, I'm into this.

♪ Hound dog, hound dog ♪

♪ Hound dog ♪

♪ You ain't nothin' but a ♪

♪ Yeah, you ain't nothing but a ♪

Kimberly, I'm glad you're here.

I brought this to say thanks for the lovely dinner

and you know, the other thing.

That's what I wanted to talk to you about.

I'm so sorry, Kimberly,

but I cannot cosign your loan for you.

Oh, my God.

Professor Hennessey, I am so sorry.

I never would've done anything sexual with your husband.

I should've said no in the moment,

but I was confused. It was just an...

What are you talking about?

What were you talking about?

My accountant was worried that cosigning a loan

would affect my credit score too much.

Did my husband make a pass at you?

You know, I think

I just might've misunderstood what he said.

What did he say?

I think he said something like,

"We should fuck sometime."

I am so sorry, Professor.

No. You've done nothing wrong.

You are not my unemployed husband

who is trying to fuck a coed for not the first time.

Excuse me.

Craig, hi.

It's your wife, you piece of shit.

Have you seen yourself in the mirror?

I'm just gonna leave the plant.

Seriously?

You hit on another student? That's it.

I'm calling your sister to pick you up.

Pack your stuff. You're Nancy's problem now.

No, you can't get your guitars later.

Take them now!

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

♪ We can do better ♪

♪ We can do better than before ♪

♪ Better than before again and better than before again and ♪

♪ We could keep loving ♪

♪ We could keep loving some more ♪

♪ Love a little more again ♪

♪ And love a little more again and ♪

♪ A body, body so different from your own ♪

♪ Not to know it, not to feel it ♪

♪ But sit beside it slow ♪

♪ What you got, who you with, where you going? ♪

♪ What you got, who you with, where you going? ♪

♪ We can do better ♪

♪ We can do better than before ♪

♪ Better than before again and better than before again and ♪

♪ We could keep loving ♪

♪ We could keep loving some more ♪

♪ Love a little more again and love a little more again and ♪

♪ We're gonna treat you so much better ♪

Go to bed.