All language subtitles for The.Sex.Lives.of.College.Girls.S02E02.WEBRip_EngCP

♪ Hey, yeah ♪

This place looks
so fucking good.

Yeah, who cares
if the frats won't let us in?

We'll just throw our own party.
Yeah!

And now, we don't have
to wait in some long lines

freezing our asses off,

hoping some power-hungry
douchebags let us in.

Yes, Bela.
Go off.

Now, we get to be
the power-hungry douchebags.

Can't wait to reject people.
Oh.

Oh, my God.
This looks amazing.

Yeah, you guys killed this.
We brought more booze.

- Oh!
- I got high-end for the VIPs.

Seniors, populars,
attractives.

And bargain bin
for the gen pop.

Ugs, randos,
people less cool than us.

Yeah.

This is gonna be amazing.

Okay, so now,
all we have to do

is just sit back
and let the people come.

I can't believe no one came.

Honestly, I'm having fun.

Should I put a podcast on?

I just head a great one about

the etymology
of the word etymology.

Someone's here.

Quick,
someone start the music.

- Yeah.
- Dance, dance!

Come in!

Oh, it's Frude.

- Are you here for the party?
- Sadly, no.

Girls, I know you attempted
to throw a social event

this evening and
it is clear no one came.

There's still time.

Mm, it is 1:30 in the morning

and a good party
would be peaking right now.

Damn, Frude.

But just because
you don't have friends

doesn't mean
your life doesn't have value.

- Thanks?
- Mm?

I would normally
confiscate your alcohol,

but this situation is so sad,
you can keep it.

And hey,

make as much noise as you like.

No one else is home.

Bye, Frude.

Guys, Frude just pitied us.

Oh, my God.

We need to fix things
with the frats.

♪ Burning me up,
burning me up ♪

♪ Burning me down ♪

♪ Turning me up,
turning me up ♪

♪ Turning me out ♪

Good luck asking your mom
about the loan.

Okay.

Oh, hi, honey.

Hi, Mom.

I love your new earrings.
Thank you.

Someone left them
in the Walgreens bathroom.

Finders keepers, right?

So look, there's something
I need to talk to you about.

Oh, my gosh.
There's something I need

to talk to you about
and I just can't

keep it from you any longer.

What's going on?

Well, Biscuit almost died.

What?
Whoa, what happened?

Well, he needed a new colon,
didn't you?

Oh, my God, Biscuit.
Is he okay?

Oh, yeah, he's fine.
He got into your dad's

Metamucil and it just
blew him right out.

Aren't surgeries
like that expensive?

Oh, your dad and I will be
paying it off till we're dead,

but we know how much Biscuit
means to you,

so totally worth it.

Yeah, he's a great dog.

I mean,
he's almost 12 though, so...

It's fine.
No, dad took some extra shifts

on the weekend and I've decided

to sell leggings on Etsy.

But, sweetie,
what did you want to tell me?

It's nothing.
Don't worry about it.

You sure?

Okay, well, I'm gonna send
the leggings to all of you,

but which one
do you think Bela would like?

The surfing turtles
or the cupcakes?

They're both so fun!

Damn.

That was, like, great.

How'd you get so good at sex?

One summer in high school,

I met this older woman
who showed me the ways of love.

Shut up. Really?

No. I just watch
a lot of porn.

Oh.
Cool.

Wait, seriously,
you're on a dating app already?

What do you mean?

I mean, I was
inside you 30 seconds ago.

I thought we talked
about this already.

Aren't we both allowed
to hook up with other people?

Yeah, I just assumed

we'd kind of tactfully look
for those hookups.

Like, not while
we're lying naked together.

Hey, what are you up to?
Want to hang out tonight?

You've come over,
like, three nights in a row.

I just love
spending time with you.

Oh, this is 'cause

you and your roommates
are banned from parties.

Yes. It's horrible.

I had to do homework last night.

I don't know what to do
with myself.

Look, guys love flattery

and I hesitate to tell you this

'cause you are
pathologically overconfident,

but you're cute.

Thank you.
I know.

So just beg them
to let you back in.

Smart, like how I begged you

to keep your glasses on
during sex.

I need to take them off
when I go down on you.

They get foggy.
I can't see what I'm doing.

I have got to get at least
a B on this Spanish final

or my mom's gonna go
no bueno on my ass.

See? This is why
I take easy classes.

Next trimester,
I'm taking a class

that's just called Textures.

Mm.

Hmm.

Sweet mother of Kristen Stewart,

that is a smoking hot woman.
Mm!

Do you know who that girl is?

I know exactly who she is.

She's hot, she works as Sips,

and she just
touched your man's arm.

I will be right back.

It's crazy how
you can make that happen.

You are catching on fast.

Maybe you should be training me.

Oh, Whit, this is
our new coworker, Zoe.

- Hi.
- Hi. I'm Whitney.

I live with Kimberly.

Kimberly, yes.
Oh, my God, I love her.

She reminds me
of my grandmother.

Zoe just
fixed our register system

so that it's all
automated to the iPad.

Oh.

Mostly so I could make
the minimum tip option 30%.

She's like some
mad coder genius.

How cool is that?
That's cool.

Oh, she also
jailbroke my iPhone.

It's like damn, Zoe.

Leave something for
the rest of us to be good at.

Right?

♪ Never seem to mind ♪

♪ Shine like a diamond
always ♪

I'm so glad you DM'd me.

♪ And nobody knows ♪

♪ I just want some real shit ♪

By the time I leave here,

you'll be glad
I did a lot of things.

♪ I guess
I should walk away ♪

♪ Baby girl, you're drippin' ♪

♪ Thought you had a vision ♪

♪ I think I'll be okay ♪

- That was fun.
- Yeah.

Yeah? Okay.

Leighton, why are you
all messy and happy-looking?

Wait, did you just hook up?

With her?

I did.

Oh. I'm Leighton's roommate.

I've seen her change
and you are one lucky lady.

Okay. All right.
Well, I'm gonna see you later.

Okay.

Later. Bye.

Bye.

Okay.
That was a lot even for me.

Right?

Oh, actually,
I'm so glad I ran into you.

I'm on my way to talk
to the Theta guys at the gym.

I have a plan to get us back
on their good side.

It's genius and it cannot fail.

- Did you come up with it?
- I did.

- Yeah, I'm gonna go with you.
- Okay.

♪ Always felt like
I could walk through fire ♪

So did you tell your mom
about your scholarship?

- It's not gonna happen.
- Oh.

But I'll figure it out.

I just signed up for 23andMe

to see if
I have any rich relatives

I don't know about yet.

Oh, I love that site.

It told me J Lo
was a distant great-aunt.

Can you see it?

- Mm-hmm.
- Me too.

- Kimberly.
- Professor Hennessey.

It's so good to see you.
What can I get you?

- I came to see you, actually.
- Oh.

I wanted to ask
if you could come

to a small dinner party
at my home tomorrow.

- Like, to cater it.
- No, as a guest.

Mm.

I'm inviting
a group of students

who I think would enjoy
a spirited exchange of ideas.

I love spirited exchanges.

What can I bring?
Like, dessert?

Or a clipping
from a feminist magazine?

No. Just you.
Arif will be there as well.

- Hi.
- Hi.

He's a student from Syria

staying in our guest room
until he finishes his studies.

So you like
helping students in need.

- Of course.
- Even the white ones?

I would love to come.

Great.
It'll be fun.

- See you tomorrow.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- Oh, and bring a friend.

Okay, we're going
to that dinner.

You're gonna get that lady
to cosign your loan for you.

What? No.
She's my professor.

Okay, yeah,
but if she can financially aid

that Syrian snack,
maybe she can help you too.

She does love me.

Absolutely.
This will work.

Now, let me see if hot-rif and
I have any mutuals in common,

and oh, my God.
We both follow Malala.

I can work with that.

♪ We are wild
and wonderful ♪

- Go, go, go, go!
- I got it!

Got it, got it!

Yeah, nice, nice!

What are you two doing here?

Yeah, what part of us
actively hating you

did you not understand?

Look, I hear you.

On behalf of all our roommates,
we are here to apologize.

What we did was wrong

and we are
stupid fucking bitches.

Hmm.

You and your brother
should've been allowed to cheat

as much as you want and
use those grades to get into

grad schools you could've
never gotten into otherwise.

Okay, what the hell?

You're making us
sound even worse.

Yeah, you kind of are.

That apology sucked
and your hand was clammy.

Well, you got to forgive us.
This is killing me.

Without an active social life,
I'm having regular,

monogamous sex with someone

I only intended
to be a casual hookup.

It's hell.

Yeah, this isn't compelling

and we've got bigger
things to worry about.

Theta might lose their charter

because of the stunt you pulled.

Look, if you want to get
Theta out of trouble,

prove to the administration
that you're good guys.

You know, throw a fundraiser
for something Essex cares about

like climate change
or something.

How? We can't throw parties
in the house anymore.

They won't even let
my book club meet.

I guess I'll just read
"The Secret History"

and talk about it with no one.

Well, why don't you let us
figure out where to throw it?

Yeah, and if this works,
and I'm not sure it will

because I have
no experience doing this,

you let us back into parties.

Okay, but I don't get
why anyone

would go to a Theta fundraiser.

It's a good point.

Damn, I am so money!

♪ Shake that thing ♪

Do you know what
"Magic Mike Live" is?

- A strip show?
- It's not a strip show.

It's a sex-positive,
female-forward,

entertainment strip-tacular.

It's also a fundraiser
for climate change.

Yeah, those two things
don't mix.

People aren't gonna pay
to watch

these Theta guys
take their shirts off?

They're already
never wearing shirts.

This is different.
This is spectacle.

I'm talking tear away pants,
body oil,

happy trails,
both front and back.

There won't be a dry, pardon
my French, panty in the house.

I can't believe
I'm saying this,

but I think Bela might be right.

I agree. I do think
people will pay for this.

I know they will
and when this works,

you all will be thanking me.

Hopefully, while holding my hair

while I puke
into a frat's urinal.

Why are you
fantasizing about that?

Oh, who knows
where fantasies come from?

I'm gonna go work
on a playlist of songs

that's good to hump a floor to.

Text me if you have any ideas.

I'll be trying some out
in my room.

Hey, so I met
your new coworker.

Zoe?

She is so smart and so funny.

She saw how much
apple juice I drank

and she started calling it
my usual.

Like, that's your usual.
That's good.

So everyone likes her.

Like, Lila, your boss, Canaan.

Yeah. I mean, she's amazing.

AOC even follows her on Twitter.

I mean, is that special?
AOC follows my mom too.

Yeah, but your mom's
a senator.

Zoe's just a student
and a former model.

It's different.

Wait. Are you... are you, like,
jealous of this girl?

- No.
- Oh.

No, no, I'm not jealous.

She should be jealous
of how not jealous I am.

You guys should join
Bela's comedy magazine thing

'cause that is hilarious.

Bela, why are there a bunch
of male thongs on your bed?

Because I am jazzing up
some booty shorts

for the Theta boys to dance in.

They are sexy and biodegradable.

- Oh.
- Only if someone asks.

They're not actually
biodegradable.

- Oh.
- Oh, fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck!
What happened?

Oh, God. Did your mom
get assassinated?

- What? No.
- Oh.

No, I was on
that girl Zoe's Insta

and I accidentally liked a pic.
Like, a super deep one.

- How deep?
- June.

- That's not bad.
- Of 2014.

- Okay, that's bad.
- Whitney!

This doesn't have to be weird.

What is the post?

It says, "Miss you, Gam Gam,
today and every day."

Oh, fuck me.

I liked a picture
of her dead grandmother.

What am I supposed to do?

Just start liking
all her pics.

It'll confuse her.

No, no. That'll make it
so much worse.

Can one of you help me please?

Okay, report her account
for terrorism

and then maybe
they'll take it down.

She's like a hot
Black Mark Zuckerberg.

She's gonna figure that out.

Okay, everybody, calm down.
I know what to do.

Zoe will see that notification
and she will know that

it's from you because your face
is on your profile pic

and Whitney's
in your Insta name,

but she won't know it's you
if you change those things.

So make your account private,

change your profile picture
to a stock image of a burrito,

and make your account name
@ChipotleAbluqeurque.

She'll think
you're a random like

from a Chipotle promo account
in New Mexico.

Holy shit.
That is wildly brilliant.

It really is.

That's like Zoe level smart.

Could you not?

Professor Hennessey,
this dinner has been so fun.

Can I help you
with those dishes?

Oh, don't worry about it.

I have a dishwasher.

His name is Craig.

So I probably should say this
as I haven't posted

the final trimester grades yet,
but you got an A.

- I did?
- Yes.

- Oh.
- One of two in the class.

Professor Hennessey,
can I ask you something?

Yes, of course.
Anything.

- I lost my scholarship.
- Mm-hmm.

And I need someone
to cosign a loan for me

so I can stay here.

I hate to ask you, but my
parents can't know about this

and I don't know
what else to do.

All I need...
Let me stop you...

- Okay.
- For a second.

Yeah.

I see a lot of myself
in you, Kimberly,

and I would never want to lose
a student like you.

Just give me a minute
to think on it, okay?

Okay.

Yes! This dining hall
was born to be a strip club.

Looking good, guys.

Time to get fluffed and stuffed.

Let's make our climate
daddy proud.

Okay, DJ, keep it peppy.
I want 80 humps per minute.

Okay, Cody, work it.

Get that chair pregnant.

Bela, we've sold
so many tickets

that my Venmo just froze.
God, this is incredible!

I know. You know, I think
this might be my calling.

It combines my two loves.

Sexy, greasy men
and bossing people around.

Okay, I got
to give you credit.

I think this fundraiser could
really get our frat reinstated.

It's my pleasure
and if you take any pictures

in the dressing room,
my AirDrop's always on.

Excuse me?
What on Earth is going on?

Dean Miller?
Are you here to buy a ticket?

To a strip show?

Essex is a respected,
feminist institution,

a cornerstone
of Vermont herstory.

Whatever this is, it's over.

Dean Miller,
if you let me explain,

this is a legitimate
and tasteful event.

Okay, I didn't spend
three decades marching

in support of women's rights
to support that.

Yo, he's making
his dick bounce!

Okay, ma'am, we at Theta,
we're trying to prove

that our bodies
aren't just for pleasure.

They are also for service.

I promise, if you could just
stay and watch my performance

of "Thot Shit" by Megan
Thee Stallion, you'll agree.

Yeah, that's not happening.

The Vermont constitution
was ratified in this room.

It's not where we gyrate
to "Thot Shit."

Keep her here till I get back.

Dean Miller, can I tell you
a long story about

why the environment
is so important to me?

♪ I wanna feel like
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I-I wanna feel like ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah
I-I wanna ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Feel like that
yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

Hi. I'm Bela.

I live next door to you
and I really need your help.

Okay.

Also, can I have some water?
I ran all the way here.

How are you liking Essex,
Arif?

It's very nice.

The professor and her husband
have been very generous.

Arif, forget about college.

You can make a killing modeling.

Your bone structure is sick.

Aw, thanks, Lila.

You're very sick too.

- Kimberly.
- Yeah.

I thought about
what you asked me.

Uh-huh.

And if it means keeping
a student like you at Essex,

I would be happy
to cosign for you.

Seriously?
Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much.
Oh!

My pleasure.

All right, gang, I'm gonna
call it a night for myself,

but please stay and enjoy.

Okay.
Thank you.

- You having a good time?
- Yeah, great.

Dinner was awesome
and your wife is the best.

She's so smart and impressive.
Yeah, she really is.

Although, she would kill me
if I told you

stories about her from college.

Maybe after one more drink.

I love the life you two have.

Two smart, cool, academics
in this cute house

with all your books
and worldly knickknacks.

It's like a dream.

I can see why
Elizabeth likes you so much.

We should fuck sometime.

As a climate refugee,
the fact that these students

would work so hard to raise
money for the environment,

it almost makes me forget
the day that I lost

two close friends in
a "Wizard of Oz" -style tornado.

You should be proud
of the campus community

that you've created here.

Also, Theta raised
$11,000 tonight.

You know, I don't care...
Oh, my God, what?

$11,000?
Yup.

Okay.
You can do your show.

But lights out by midnight
and no full nudity.

Don't worry, Dean.

All penises will remain
safely stowed.

Okay.

Holy shit.
That actually worked.

- Thanks, new hot friend.
- Yeah, I got you.

Hey, I'm gonna go back
to my room because

I'm expecting a girl in,
like, five minutes,

but have fun with this.

All right, everyone.
It's go time.

Line up for
your good luck butt slap.

♪ Yo,
the level has risen again ♪

Hello, Essex.
How is everyone doing tonight?

It's about to get real heated
up in this room

and it's not because
of carbon emissions.

Give it up for
the boys of Theta.

♪ Pop it like a wheelie ♪

♪ Hop on top
and I go silly ♪

♪ Pretty, tight, and sticky ♪

♪ Fuck him once,
he won't forget me ♪

♪ Wet, wet ♪

♪ Bust it like the blicky ♪

♪ If I fuck around and
leak the tape, I win an Emmy ♪

Yeah?

- Come here.
- You got it?

Damn. You blinked in this one

and somehow you still look fine.

- Thank you.
- It's going on the main.

Oh, okay.

Wait. What's up?
I can't find your profile.

Oh, yeah. Something weird
must've happened.

Oh, here. Let me see.
I can fix it.

No, no. It's good.
I can...

- Wait. What the...
- Don't...

Whit, did you
rename your account

to @ChipotleAlbuquerque?

There's wraps and burritos
and shit.

Why would you do that?

Okay, listen.

It's so stupid.

So I was, you know,
lightly perusing

your coworker Zoe's profile
and I accidentally liked

a picture of her dead grandma,

so Bela changed my profile
to a Chipotle.

I understood, like,
half of that sentence.

I guess I was jealous of
how impressed you are with Zoe

and how smart she is.

And it made me feel...
I don't know, unimpressive.

You have nothing
to be jealous about.

You're a dream girl.

And I'm not even
into Zoe like that.

Like... like at all.

Also, I was right behind you

at Omega Pi
when you told your friend

I'm a loser
who doesn't have a thing.

Well, I definitely
didn't say you were a loser.

But I'm sorry for saying
anything behind your back.

That was wrong.
Thanks.

But do I think you have
too much time on your hands?

I mean, seems like it, right?
Okay, okay, sure.

Maybe I could find
more constructive ways

to use my time, yes.
Maybe, maybe.

But for now,
I'm just gonna focus

on the dream girl part
of all of this.

- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- That was cute. That was good.

As you should.

Was I nuts to dump her?

She's, like, one of
the hottest girls on campus.

Sure, but given all the texts

I've gotten about you this week,

I'm pretty sure
you're one of the hottest

queer girls on campus now too.

What? Really?

Uh, to be clear,
you're not my type.

I'm into gingers.
I'd die for Shiv Roy.

But you don't notice the way
they all look at you?

Shit,
they used to do that for me.

Look, sis is
practically drooling.

Hmm.

♪ Blow the whistle
on a bitch ♪

♪ I dismiss a bitch ♪

♪ Blow the whistle
on a bitch ♪

♪ I dismiss a bitch ♪

♪ Blow the whistle
on a bitch ♪

- Hey!
- Hey.

This is amazing.

It somehow manages to be both
erotic and thought-provoking.

Yeah, who said
you can't save polar bears

and admire a dude's V muscles
at the same time?

Hey, how was the dinner party?

Good, I guess.

My professor said
she'd cosign my loan.

- Yes!
- Oh, my God, that's so great.

Yeah, but then
I was talking to her husband

and he said,
"We should fuck sometime."

- What?
- Huh?

Oh, that's so gross.

What did you tell him?

Oh, don't worry.
I shut it down.

Okay, but what did
you say exactly?

I think I said cool,
but in a way

that clearly communicated
that meant not cool.

Like, not cool, man.
Not cool.

But did you say the not part
or just the cool part?

- Just cool.
- Mm.

Kimberly, cool means cool.

You told him yes.
No, I didn't.

Okay, say it to me
like you said it in the moment.

We should fuck sometime.

Cool.

Yeah, so you just
told this man

that you want
to have sex with him.

Yeah, I hear that now.

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

Uh... uh-oh.
I think you're being summoned.

♪ Ah, get it ♪

I think we all are.

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

Okay, but I have to go
to church twice tomorrow.

- Yeah, you do.
- Okay.

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

♪ Yeah, ah, get it ♪

♪ You ain't nothing but a ♪
♪ Dog ♪

♪ Player, ah, get it ♪

♪ Fraud, player, ah, get it ♪

♪ I understand, I understand ♪
Oh, my God!

♪ You ain't the man ♪

Weirdly, I'm into this.

♪ Hound dog, hound dog ♪

♪ Hound dog ♪

♪ You ain't nothin' but a ♪

♪ Yeah,
you ain't nothing but a ♪

Kimberly,
I'm glad you're here.

I brought this to say
thanks for the lovely dinner

and you know, the other thing.

That's what I wanted
to talk to you about.

I'm so sorry, Kimberly,

but I cannot
cosign your loan for you.

Oh, my God.

Professor Hennessey,
I am so sorry.

I never would've done anything
sexual with your husband.

I should've said no
in the moment,

but I was confused.
It was just an...

What are you talking about?

What were you talking about?

My accountant was worried
that cosigning a loan

would affect my credit score
too much.

Did my husband
make a pass at you?

You know, I think

I just might've misunderstood
what he said.

What did he say?

I think he said
something like,

"We should fuck sometime."

I am so sorry, Professor.

No.
You've done nothing wrong.

You are not
my unemployed husband

who is trying to fuck a coed
for not the first time.

Excuse me.

Craig, hi.

It's your wife,
you piece of shit.

Have you seen yourself
in the mirror?

I'm just gonna
leave the plant.

Seriously?

You hit on another student?
That's it.

I'm calling your sister
to pick you up.

Pack your stuff.
You're Nancy's problem now.

No, you can't
get your guitars later.

Take them now!

Shit!

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit!

♪ We can do better ♪

♪ We can do better
than before ♪

♪ Better than before again and
better than before again and ♪

♪ We could keep loving ♪

♪ We could keep loving
some more ♪

♪ Love a little more again ♪

♪ And love a little more
again and ♪

♪ A body, body so different
from your own ♪

♪ Not to know it,
not to feel it ♪

♪ But sit beside it slow ♪

♪ What you got, who you with,
where you going? ♪

♪ What you got, who you with,
where you going? ♪

♪ We can do better ♪

♪ We can do better
than before ♪

♪ Better than before again and
better than before again and ♪

♪ We could keep loving ♪

♪ We could keep loving
some more ♪

♪ Love a little more again and
love a little more again and ♪

♪ We're gonna treat you
so much better ♪

Go to bed.