Original subtitles

[rock instrumental playing]

Ohhh!

Whoa!

That's a nice motorcycle.

All right! [laughs]

Wow!

Beautiful motorcycle!

Yes! Yeah!

Motorcycle with no motor?

Okay!

[chuckles]

What the heck?

Two motorcycles with a little house in the middle?

Wow, dude!

Wow!

[rock instrumental continuing]

[music stops]

[heavenly music playing]

[triumphant music playing]

[electricity crackling]

Well?

Yeah, guys... there's motorcycles.

-Yeah! -[all cheering]

And there's a lot of other stuff, too.

[rock instrumental playing]

There it is.

[group exclaims]

[all laughing]

It's got a... It's got a little house in it.

Come on, it's got a little house in it.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Yes!

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

[woman] River Mountain High is sponsored by TC Topps TC Tuggers Shirts,

the only shirt with a tugging knob.

[school bell rings]

[indistinct chatter]

Hey. Am I seeing you tonight?

I don't know, Brandon. I shouldn't even be talking to you.

What's going on? You've been avoiding me all week.

You're hiding something.

What happened that night with Riley?

Look, I told you, we got in a fight, and she stormed off.

That was the last I saw of her.

Then why did Tyler see her in your car at 2:00 a.m.?

Oh, God, Tyler! Tyler's a freak. Everybody knows that.

He may be weird, but at least he didn't beat up Matt Simms

in the locker room in front of everyone.

Okay.

Look... you can't say anything, but--

All right, you two, get to class. The bell already rang.

You can't be in the hall when the bell rang. The bell already rang.

Sorry, Principal S.

That's okay.

That's a cool shirt.

Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers,

the only shirt that's got a little knob on the front

so you can just pull it out when it gets trapped on your belly.

It's very cool.

Yeah, I was doing this all the time,

and the wear and tear was wrecking my regular shirts.

But TC Tuggers has this little knob on the front

so you don't wreck your shirt, or hurt your hand.

Yeah, that makes sense.

Yeah, you know what I mean?

'Cause when you go through the day,

your shirt gets kind of bunched up,

so I was wrecking my shirts

'cause I was pulling them out subconsciously,

but this has that knob,

so you can just do it easily.

-Awesome. Well, we'll get to class. -But they're not a joke.

-What? -You don't make jokes about 'em,

TC Tuggers.

You don't wear 'em as a joke,

you don't give 'em as a joke gift, or wear them ironically,

or do pub crawls in 'em like the Snuggie.

They're not like the Snuggie.

Do they come in other styles?

Not really.

-[makes burbling noises] -[group laughing]

Hey, cool hair, Dave.

Thank you. I know.

[continues making burbling noises]

He's so comfortable in his skin.

[man] You've been wearing a toupee for years,

but you're tired of living a lie.

You're ready to accept the real you,

but you're in too deep.

You can't go from hair to bald in one day.

Hey, Dave.

[menacing music playing]

-Dave? -[man] Oh, my God, Dave.

You're all-the-way bald.

What happened to the head of hair you had yesterday?

Uh...

Was that a toupee, you piece of shit?

Dang it.

Well, now you can ween yourself off your toupee gently

with Wilson's natural hair-loss system.

It's easy. When you sign up, Wilson's will send 500 little wigs,

each one balder than the last.

Every 17 hours, replace your hairpiece with the next most bald one.

But what if you don't have 52 weeks? You need to be bald right now.

Wilson's has the solution for you.

For the same price, we can get you bald in one day

with Wilson's natural Fake Gorilla Attack hair-removal system.

Wilson's will send a fake gorilla to a public place of your choosing

to rip your entire hair clean off.

-[heavy metal music playing] -Oh, my God, a gorilla!

That chimp stole my hair!

Wilson's. Now you can be the life of the party.

[continues making comedic noises]

-Ow! -What the hell are you doing?

-You poked my wife in both eyes. -[door opens]

-[heavy metal music playing] -Oh, my God, a gorilla!

That's my real hair!

[gorilla roaring]

♪ Baby, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

♪ Mm, baby, baby, ba-ba-bay ♪

Here he comes.

Sorry I'm late, everyone. It's very rude of me. I apologize.

-[fart sound] -[group laughing]

-[whispering] Oh, my God, I farted. -[group stops laughing]

Um...

Sorry about that, everyone.

Could you excuse me for a second?

I have to figure out what's going on.

What the heck?

There's a pink bag on my chair?

Yeah, it's just a whoopee cushion. It's a prank.

-On me? -No, it...

-You know, it's just a joke. -What's the joke, exactly?

What do you mean?

My farts don't sound anything like that.

My farts are long...

and way louder.

And they reek.

So, what's the joke?

That I had a milder fart than I normally do?

That nobody's puking from my fart?

Is that the joke?

That I farted and no one barfed?

'Cause that's pretty funny, actually.

That'd be a great day for me.

That'd be a great day for me, if I farted and nobody barfed.

That's not the joke.

It was just like...

you know, what if you farted?

I think we covered what would happen if I farted, Jane.

You'd throw up your pretty little lunch.

Okay, everyone, I think it's time to start the meeting.

The whoopee cushion thing was stupid.

Uh, Dana, you wanna bring us up to speed

on what's happening in the Midwest division?

[man] Can I just ask...

what's next?

-Just so I know, what's next? -Sorry?

Cake batter in my pants, and make it look like I cum in my pants?

What are you talking about?

What's the next joke?

Meatball down my leg, make it look like my ball sack ripped open?

Brown pie in my undies, make it look like I shit my pants?

Brown pudding in my shoes,

make it look like I shooted diarrhea down my leg?

Make me think I'm mighty sick?

I'm rushed to the hospital, and there for hours,

and I miss my family photo tonight.

Is that the joke?

That I miss my family photo tonight?

Nobody wants you to miss your family photos.

Then what's the joke?

That while I'm on the operating table,

a man is rushed in 'cause he was in a car accident,

and he has a metal bolt through his head,

but he bleeds out in the waiting room

because the doctors are too busy

trying to shove two meatballs in my scrotum

and cake batter back in my penis?

Is that the joke...

on the man's widow?

You got her, Jane. [chuckles]

You really got her.

This is a betrayal on levels that no one's ever seen!

Permission to go home, lie down and watch some TV,

and rest up so my face isn't beet red for my family photo tonight?

Yes, yes.

Thank you.

["Big Flame (Is Gonna Break My Heart In Two)" by Doris Wilson playing]

-Previously on River Mountain High... -You're hiding something.

What happened that night with Riley?

-That's a cool shirt. -Yeah, it's a TC Topp from TC Tuggers.

-Do they come in other styles? -Not really.

No, yeah, the style is just... Is just basically this.

Well, thanks, Principal S.

Yeah. Yeah, thank you for asking about the shirt

and thinking it's cool, TC Tuggers.

Yeah, I gotta go.

Bye, Brandon.

Think about what I said about TC Tuggers.

Bye, Claire.

So, what happened with Riley?

["Are You Ready For This" by Clear Blue Fire playing]

♪ One, two, three Now we're playing with the big boys ♪

♪ Gonna take it to the street now We're gonna make a big noise ♪

♪ Are you ready for this? ♪

♪ Are you ready for this? ♪

♪ Are you ready for this now? ♪

♪ Are you ready for this? ♪

♪ Are you ready for this? ♪

[funky music playing]

Coach is so much nicer on international flights.

I hope they have good movies.

Not me, I'm going right to sleep.

-Going on a big vacation? -[sinister music playing]

Uh, yeah, it's actually our honeymoon.

Ah!

Planning on relaxing? [chuckling]

Mm-hm.

Yeah. You want everything to be perfect.

Yeah, we've actually been looking forward to this for a really long time, so...

Sure you have, yeah.

Yeah.

[inhales]

Is there anything you're looking forward to doing?

Just all of it, pretty much.

[laughs] Lots to do, yeah.

You're gonna need your energy.

Yeah. Yeah, I guess we are.

You know, you want to make it your dream vacation.

Yep.

Are you going on a vacation, too?

Oh, no, no, not me.

Oh, business then, huh?

[laughs]

In a way.

Well, we should probably get some shut-eye, so...

Good. That sounds like a good idea, yeah.

[sniffs]

-[eerie xylophone playing] -♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word ♪

♪ Mama's gonna buy you a mockingbird ♪

I'm... I'm sorry, do I know you?

No...

[in sing-song voice] but I know you.

[chuckles wickedly]

It was 1982.

I was 48, you were nine months.

We were on a flight from JFK to London.

Saw you immediately.

A baby on a seven-hour flight.

The first hour was bliss...

then the crying started.

-[menacing music playing] -Small whimpers at first,

then came the shrieking.

Louder.

Louder.

Louder.

Till it filled the whole cabin.

When I arrived in London, I was a shell of a man.

Broken.

You see, I had spent my entire life savings to go to London

to see my beloved Buckingham Palace,

so I could see if I could make those soldiers laugh.

Because of you, I was too tired to do anything funny!

And I vowed from that day forward that I would devote the rest of my life

to getting my revenge on you, little baby.

What are you saying?

[chuckles]

Airline seats?

Seems like a crapshoot.

Well, not if you go through someone's trash.

You went through my trash?

[chuckles wickedly]

How do you think I got this?

Oh, my God, what is that?

-A rat bit me. -Jesus!

It's not that gross.

And now, here we are...

the stars aligned.

And now, I will exact my revenge.

I'm gonna cry...

the whole flight.

[wailing]

[continuing to wail]

[woman] Sir?

Sir?

-What?! -You're in this man's seat.

[man] No, I'm in my own seat.

I'll show you my ticket right here.

That's way back there.

-But can't I stay here? -You can't just sit wherever.

You can at some concerts.

Sir, you're back there.

Shit! Shit!

Excuse me.

Oh, that's a good idea,

move in the direction of where I'm heading.

Dumb piece of shit!

-Hey. -Hey.

[upbeat guitar band playing on earphones]

[muffled wailing]

[upbeat music continuing]